Hit Me With Your Best Shot

This past weekend was the last before my transfer and as such, Chad and I thought a little fun was in order. So when we were invited to a party Friday night, it seemed like a great idea. And it was, we had a great time laughing with friends, playing cards and doing shots, just not the shots you typically would do at a party. No, while going through fertility treatments there are a whole different set of shots to worry about and party night was no exception.

After the cancellation scare Friday morning, my nurse called and instructed me to do my first hCG shot that night. Since we are supposed to time these pretty consistently it was quickly obvious that the injection schedule and the party would conflict. We discussed skipping it, after all our FET is the most important thing in the world right now and I would rather have quiet Fridays at home with my family anyway. But we also really did want to go, have some fun and enjoy the chance to just be us for the night. So I turned to to twitter. Do we go? And if so, do I inject 4 hours early or try to stealthily do the shot at the party?

I was so grateful for the response I got and after hearing a few great tales of secret injections in similar circumstances, (including one loving DH that sneaked into a bachelorette party, administered the injection and crept back out) we decided to pack up our supplies and go for it. Secretly mixing medication in the bathroom of a friend's house was definitley a unique and memorable experience. Unfortunately, being in this unique situation was not without flaws and our numbing efforts were unsuccessful, resulting in the most painful injection yet. It hurt for quite a while afterward and I had to avoid sitting for most of the night, but overall it worked. We did the shot, the meds made it back home safely and we had a good time.

I thought the shot excitement for this FET would end there but alas, before the weekend ended we had one more mishap. After all the concern and subsequent relief surrounding Friday night's hCG injection, we both completely forgot about Saturday night's estrogen injection. Sunday morning, almost exactly 12 hours after we should have done the shot, Chad realized that something was missing. We checked the schedule and sure enough, we had missed a shot. I admit I was slightly nervous but knowing that this injection was supplemental I felt mostly confident that if we did the injection immediately it would be fine, a call to my nurse confirmed it. So that's what we did, and while this one hurt less it cause the most bleeding of any injection yet. That coupled with the bruise I acquired Friday night did not make for a pretty sight, good thing this is an area of my body no one else has to look at.

All of this made for a funny and interesting shot filled weekend. These are definitley different than the shots we were doing together before we got married and while I would have never imagined being in this situation or having to go through so much to create our family, I have to honestly say I like these shots a little bit better. Yes, they are inconvenient, painful and expensive but the results of doing them are definitely much more desirable. I would choose a well prepared body, ready for a growing baby over a hangover any day. "Bottoms up!" suddenly has a totally different meaning!

Lucky Lefty

As I mentioned in a previous post (which you can find here), FET has been much less involved than the fresh IVF cycle, to the point that I was almost wishing for something important to be happening just so I could feel a little more a part of it all. Well, you know what they say about being careful what you wish for...

Yesterday, I had a date with wandy to check my uterine lining and determine whether I would be ready for transfer on schedule. Dr. Jedi explained that I needed to have a triple layer lining measuring at least 6mm, and if it was not ready that we would have to push back the transfer by a week. I was slightly nervous about this but received quick relief when he immediately informed me that my lining was triple layered and measuring 10mm.

Then it was time for a quick check of my ovaries to be sure they were still cooperating. Dr. Jedi explained that the estrogen I have been injecting every 3 days is meant to not only develop a perfect lining, but to also suppress ovulation. He found Righty with no problem and pleasantly reported that it was completely dormant as it should be. Then the hunt for Lefty began. As you may remember from my fresh cycle, Lefty likes to hide behind my uterus, and in addition it to almost forcing me to sacrifice half of my eggs (read more here), it is always difficult to find on ultrasound. After much prodding Dr. Jedi finally manged to get it on screen and issued a slightly worried sound. I had a possible ovulation cyst. If I did indeed ovulate, my progesterone levels would be ruined and the cycle would be canceled. Well, here is the drama I thought I wanted.

Of course, I was freaking out just a bit, nervous that after the long wait to start this FET, it would all be lost and we would have to wait yet another month. I couldn't believe that Lefty was giving us trouble yet again! Dr. Jedi reassured me that the chances were still good that the cycle would be fine and ordered blood work to check my progesterone levels and determine which way it would go. I gave blood and held my breath.

After what felt like an incredibly long 3 hours, the nurse called with the great news, the cycle is still on! My P4 was very low and perfect for me to begin my hCG shots that evening. My transfer is scheduled for this upcoming Thursday the 15th. I can't even begin to tell you the relief I felt. It almost felt as though mischievous Lefty was chuckling and saying "Gotcha!". That left ovary really does love messing with me. If we end up having a child that loves to psych us out and play hide and seek, I will definitely know which side of my body that lucky little egg sprang from.

Childhood Memories

I have spent so much time in the past few years thinking about my future children. Imagining what they will look like, what their favorite things will be and how they will experience childhood. I have so many wonderful memories of growing up and I always think about the ways in which I can share with my kids all of the amazing things about childhood. For me, growing up was truly magical and I was so incredibly devastated the day I was finally forced to realize that certain things were more alive in my imagination than in reality. It was on that day, when I was about 10 years old, that my mom told me about the magic of parenting. She said that once you have children you get to live all of that wonder and adventure all over again through their eyes and it is even better than the first time. Since then, I have known that being a mom was the most important thing I could do and the thing I have most wanted.

But since I do not yet have children of my own to share and create memories with, I thought I would do a survey I have seen around, and take the time to share some of my childhood with all of you. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to help my children in creating their own wonderful memories.

• Where/when you born? I was born in December 1982 in Key West, FL but grew up in and around Orlando.
• Were you born first, second, etc.? I am the oldest, I have a sister that is 2 years younger than me. We were very close growing up. We played together all the time and used to sing each other to sleep.
• What was your first pet? As a child we only had fish. I remember specifically my favorite fish, Tyson. Then when I was in high school I got Angel, my bunny. He was the most amazing house rabbit ever, litter trained and everything!
• What were you for your first Halloween? I think I was a witch but the first Halloween I really remember was when I was Minnie Mouse. I had a Minnie doll in a green dress that I used to sleep with and I wanted to be her.
• Was there a gift you really wanted for Christmas that you never received? I used to ask Santa for a white kitten with blue eyes, a pink nose and pink ears every year but I all I ever got was a stuffed kitty with the same description.
• Did you have any imaginary friends? According to my mom I had a few, the ones she remembers best are Punky Brewster and Pinocchio. I used to play with them all the time.
• What were your favorite books? I loved all the Golden Books, I had tons of them. I also loved "Goodnight Moon" and "Caps For Sale". The first chapter book I remember reading was "Freckle Juice", I really liked that one.
• What did you wanna be when you grew up? I had a list but mom and actress were always at the top of it. I did a lot of acting in high school and college but now that has faded, motherhood obviously has not.
• Favorite after-school, never-missed shows? I loved Disney afternoon- Ducktales, Darkwing Duck, Gummy Bears, Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers. I also really liked Animaniacs and Tiny Toons. I still know all the songs for those shows!
• What was your favorite toy? hmmm I don't know that I had one. I remember more the made up toys. Specifically, my bathroom sink. I used to use it as a cauldron or science lab, depending on the day, and I would make potions and science experiments. I really wanted a chemistry set as a child but I got a microscope instead. Oh I also loved my bike! I enjoyed being able to roam the neighborhood and search for adventure.
• What was your first best friend's name? My kindergarten best friend was named Stephanie. When I was 10 I met my best friend Coco, and we are still best friends today. It is so amazing to have someone in your life that knew you way back when.
• Broken any bones or had any freaky accidents as a kid? I have never broken a bone but when I was about 12 my friend accidentally hit me in the head with a baseball bat. Luckily, it was a small cut that didn't need stitches.
• Did you play house or pretend to be a super hero? A little of both. I also liked to play office, school, witches and wizards, and cops & robbers. I also used to do plays quoting lines from my favorite movies and things I had picked up from Romeo & Juliet, always forcing my sister to play the supporting roles.
• Were you romantically involved with someone as a pre-teen? I had a couple of "boyfriends" when I was that age but I would always get nervous and avoid them. I had one huge puppy love crush in middle school though and I still have the stuffed bear I named after him.
• Did you get along with your parents growing up? My parents got divorced when I was 13 so it was mostly me, my mom and my sister. My mom and I definitely had some tough moments during my teen years but we got along for the most part and now we are best friends.
• Were you involved in any extra-curricular activities? If so, what? I was in drama club all through high school and I was the morning announcement anchor during a lot of high school as well.
• What was the first record, tape or CD you remember buying? I had a lot of records of kids music and the ones that came inside a book so that you could read along. But the first tape I bought was The New Kids on the Block- yes I still know a lot of those songs too lol
• Did you ever fall in love with someone in high school? Yes, I had a crush on a boy that I never thought would notice me but then one day he did. We dated during my senior year. It was my idea of the quintessential high school relationship.
• Did you enjoy your childhood? I absolutely loved it.

Watching Ice Melt

It's one week into FET and the only big news is that there is no big news. MY RE's office proved to be awesome, yet again, by getting me in for a date with wandy the very same day that AF came and starting me on meds. The list of which is somewhat short. There are still plenty of needles and pill bottles this time around, but nothing compared to arsenal I faced during the fresh cycle. My evening prenatal vitamins were already habit, so other than an injection every 3 days, I am barely even aware that I am doing a cycle right now. It almost feels like I am not.

It is very strange. I almost miss the high level of involvement that came with the fresh IVF. There was a lo to deal witht, but at least with the constant shots and changes in my body I had some physical proof that big things were happening. With the FET there is nothing. My ovaries don't need to be doing anything special, they are barely even a factor this time around, so there is no tummy swelling, no hot flashes, no mood swings. This is great in so many ways. I honestly don't think my fragile heart and mind could handle the ups and downs of a fresh cycle after the miscarriage, so for that reason I am grateful for just how much easier FET is, but I also almost miss these symptoms because they gave me indicators of progress. Yes, hot flashes are miserable, but when they happened I knew the drugs, and my body, were doing what they were supposed to do. This time, I am assuming the drugs are priming my lining for implantation as they should, but until my ultrasound, which is a week away, I have no way to gauge if it's working well.

Adding to the feeling of inactivity is just how short my FET cycle is compared to the fresh one. Last time I had to start with a month of BCP, followed by a few weeks of lupron and then stims and then retrieval before finally reaching transfer day. There was constant activity and there were many milestones along the way. This time I have one, maybe two more ultrasounds and then it's transfer time! How crazy is that? In 2 weeks I will be PUPO! I waited for AF and this cycle for so long that now it feels so crazy to me how quick it is going to be. There are some great things to be said about this short cycle though, for one that I will be starting and finishing it within the same month. I will have an answer, positive or negative, before July is over.

Even though I miss some of that constant activity of IVF, and the productive feeling it gave me, it also made me that much more aware of the 2ww. Going from constant appointments, wandings, injections, and blood draws to absolutely nothing but waiting for 2 weeks was maddening. This time around I am doing virtually nothing before the transfer, so I'm thinking that now doing virtually nothing after won't feel like quite such a shock to the system. Although, I know that no matter how ready I am for the 2ww, it will still be long and agonizing, hopefully this, along with a weekend away right before beta, will keep me at least mostly sane.

Mostly though FET so far really does feel unproductive. I know I am doing everything I can and should be doing, but it feels a lot like I am doing nothing. Last time, I was growing eggs. My body was an engine, revved up to it's full potential in creation. It was actively doing something. I feel like it is more out of my hands this time, since it is all out of my body now. It felt like I could visualize and meditate to encourage the growth of strong, healthy eggs. This time I just sit around waiting, watching the ice melt. I have no control over whether the melt will be successful (not that I really had any control last time but the illusion was nice). I just have to hope and pray that my little embies survive the thaw and snuggle in for nine happy, healthy months.

Wordless Wednesday: So True

The 4 C's: Cramps, Crankiness, Cravings & Crazies

I wish I had an update that AF had arrived, but no such luck. And it seems that all of this waiting has made me a little crazy, envisioning AF as less of an "aunt" and more of an evil trickster faerie that enjoys toying with me.

Today it seems that she has doused me with her infamous mood swing dust. I have gone from almost smiling to all out ugly cry face in 30 seconds flat this afternoon, and not for any significant reason. I was also irrationally annoyed and snappy with Chad yesterday. This could be a good sign, right? I'll be honest, it has been easy to push me to the emotional edge these past two months, I mean it's not like you have to push far- I live pretty close to that edge lately, but still I do feel a bit more hormonally moody today. I also have had some intense junk and chocolate cravings. A fudge brownie sundae sounds like a great dinner option right now. And maybe I am just imagining symptoms but I swear I am starting to feel some tummy cramps too, unless it is just all those crunches I did this morning...

Once a paranoid symptom checker... Even when the symptoms I am hunting and hoping for are AF and not pregnancy symptoms I can't help but over-analyze every mood, every twinge, every craving. Old habits really do die hard I guess. But it does seem as if I am starting to see all 4 C's in the symptom checklist, cramps, cravings, crankiness and crazies. If these really are pre-AF symptoms, then in just a few short weeks I will be back to paranoid symptom checking for pregnancy.

Wow, that really just hit me for the first time. Yes, I am still annoyed and slightly bitter that it's been taking so long for the evil AF faerie to pay me a visit, but I am so excited that once she does finally show, this FET is on! No cycle of BCP beforehand, no egg retrieval just a few quick checks of my uterine lining, a couple weeks of meds then BAM! transfer time. Wow that really is exciting! And I am so ready to do it.

Now I need the evil AF faerie to show! But how to get her here? The tooth fairy is after teeth, so maybe if I leave a negative HPT under my pillow tonight she'll send her "monthly gift" to me by morning? It does seem like she has already started sending her favorite gags my way. I just need to be sure she knows that even though her presence is welcome and wished for now, I have no desire to see her heartbreaking glare or any of her tricks after this transfer. I am ready to put this crazy silliness of mine to use having fun with my kids, and I will gladly put the other 3 C's to use during the 9 month process of bringing my child into the world.


***UPDATE*** As I hoped the AF faerie came last night! I don't feel like quite like a kid on Christmas, or even one that just had a visit from the tooth fairy since is a mixed blessing of sorts what with the cramps and all, but I am pretty excited. I have my first appointment for this cycle this afternoon! That's TODAY! YAY I'M STARTING FET!!!!!

Getting Back In the Flow

I need to get back in the flow, in more ways than one. I have been away from my blog and others blogs a lot in the past 2 months, mostly because I have also been out of the TTC game and haven't had too much to say. I really want to get back into the flow of writing and reading and commenting and being a part of the blogosphere that has been so wonderful to me. Also, today is 8 weeks to the day since my D&C and still no AF so that is another flow I really need to get back in to.

My RE said that after the procedure my period should return in about 4 to 6 weeks. Somewhere in the 5th week I started having tiny little hints of symptoms- a uterine twinge here, a tiny spot there- but no AF. I waited patiently and called my RE once the 6 week mark passed without AF. Dr Jedi spoke to me directly and we discussed options, finally agreeing to go through with a 5 day dose of Provera to bring on my period. I felt huge mix of emotions at this decision. I was relieved to be doing something more proactive than just idly waiting, but I also felt fear and anxiety about taking a new drug, as well as sadness that I needed it.

I have never taken Provera until now and I have heard many horror stories about the mood swings and other side effects of this super dose of progesterone, so I was very nervous that my already high level emotions would shoot off the charts. I finished the pills last night and the good news is I haven't had any symptoms or side effects, but the bad news is I haven't had any symptoms or side effects. I feel like AF is no closer than she was a few weeks ago. Hopefully I'm wrong though and she makes her grand and much anticipated entrance this week. It's so ironic to me that every TTCer I know is always praying for AF to stay away and bring a pregnancy but when situations arise that we really need her to come so that we can TTC again, she stays away. I know in reality AF is not a living thing but sometimes I start to believe my period really is a "she", some sort of mischievous faerie or sprite playing tricks on me for her own amusement. I hope she's getting a good laugh because I certainly don't find her jokes funny.

In addition to being nervous about taking a new drug for the first time, the decision to start Provera made me very sad. I started taking it just as I started what would have been my 16th week of pregnancy. Instead of getting ready to find out if my little Sprout was a boy or a girl, I was popping pills to force my period to come back. It just seemed so incredibly cruel and unfair. But I also knew that this would get me one step closer to being back on track with my FET and bring my baby that much closer to me.

Although it is sad that I am no longer pregnant (and haven't been for 2 months) I am so ready to get back in the flow and back to TTC. I am ready for the evil, tricky AF faerie to make her appearance so that I can start my FET. I feel like a car that has stalled. I keep turning the key but all I get are whirring, sputtering sounds. Hopefully, the Provera will get the car started again. The really good news is that once she finally shows it wont be more than a few weeks until my transfer. As much as I dread another 2ww, I can't wait for it either.