Big Fat Maybe

Today was the big day: Beta day. Oh how I dread beta day! The agony of waiting for that damn phone to ring after my blood has been drawn is one of the big reasons I kept putting of this FET. The day started out hopeful-ish. I went in for my blood draw early and was assured of a call before lunch. I have always waited for that call with my past cycles. I never poas (pee on a stick). Ever. I used to do pregnancy tests at home all the time back in my temping, charting, clomid days. I would squint and tilt and take photos so I could change the light & tint until I maybe saw a ghost of a second line. In reality, those sticks were always pure, stark white minus that one cruel line. And because it "could still be early", I would never truly lose hope until AF arrived and left me crying on my bathroom floor. It was a hell of a roller coaster and I have been terrified of it ever since I moved on to IVF so I always waited for beta. Until today. 

Chad and I have both been so pessimistic, so afraid to even entertain the idea that this FET might really work that we agreed we wanted to find out together and on our terms. If it was negative, fine, but at least we'd be expecting it when the phone rang. So we left the RE's office & rushed to buy tests. I was too scared to look, so at first I just glanced out of the corner of my eye. One line. There was one line. But it had only been 30 seconds. So we both looked again and slowly a 2nd line was coming into view. It wasn't dark but it was clearly visible. No squinting, tilting or altering required! A second line! It was really happening! We were relieved and ready for the phone to ring. We didn't want to get too ahead of ourselves before we heard the numbers. But the call never came. Lunch came & went and the phone didn't ring. I've learned that clinic staff delays making "bad news" calls. They call their good news patients early. It only took 2 hours from blood draw to phone call when I got pregnant with Eliana. 1st beta- 737. Today, six hours had passed so finally I got sick of waiting and called them. The nurse did not sound cheerful or excited. She started with "congrats" but in a way that sounded like it had a question mark at the end of it. Then she told me my beta was 17. One freaking seven. My hope has plummeted to nearly zero. Either this is a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage or the hCG booster I did last Monday still hasn't totally left my system. I have another beta on Thursday to see if my beta changes at all and yeah there is that small sliver of a chance that by some miracle it will shoot up but I'm not counting on it. 

Honestly, it sounds awful, but I'm mostly hoping for a big drop. If this FET isn't the one, I just want to know. I don't want to ride the beta roller coaster again. Back in 2010 when I did my fresh IVF, my emotions were yanked in every possible direction with betas that rose but didn't double, then slightly rose again, then tripled. It was hell never knowing if that pregnancy was going to last. When I finally made it to ultrasound and there was no heartbeat, I was devastated and angry. If the cycle was not going to end in a baby, why did I have to endure that torture? A BFN would have hurt but it would have been easier to mourn. No ups and downs, no D&C, no miscarriage. That loss was painful and the merry-go-round that preceded it was hell. I do not want to do that again. I just want to know. Bad news hurts, it's awful, but it is better than maybes and we'll sees. Limbo sucks and I don't want any part of it. 

I am so mad myself for peeing on that dumb stick and letting it get my hopes up! For those few, short hours, despite my attempts not to, I started to get attached. I began imagining whether Eliana would have a baby brother or sister in the spring. I started thinking about how it would feel to have a big round belly. I contemplated the number of weeks I would wait before telling my friends. I wasn't jumping up and down but I was truly hopeful. And I'm pissed at myself for that. I should have known better. It hurts more this way. It feels like someone offered me what I want most in the world and as soon as I reached to pick it up, they snatched it away and shouted, "Nope! Not this time!". The no sucks but not as much as hearing yes first and having it taken away. 

My heart is slowly breaking. Nothing chips away at that crack quite as much as Eliana's sweet face and her requests for a baby brother or sister. Yesterday, totally out of the blue, she asked me if she could please have a baby brother or sister to hold. She wants it so badly. She tells me she will help with the baby and push the stroller. The hope and love in her eyes when she talks about it is indescribable. It kills me that I almost believed I would be able to fulfill that request nine months from now and now I am not sure when it might happen. I don't know for sure how quickly I will be ready to try again. My emotions just can't handle it. But no matter how sad or hurt I am about this cycle, I am nowhere near the point I was before Eliana was here. These are the same hurts, the same wounds, but they have scar tissue now. I will cry but I will have her to make me smile. I want another baby one day, I want her to have the sibling she craves, but she is enough. This is painful, yes, but it is nothing compared to the hurt of not yet being a mother. So, I will push through the next two days and hope that I have real, solid answers by then. I may cry, I may worry or panic, I may get pissed and hate most of the world, but in the end I will be OK. I just hope that end comes sooner rather than later.

The Language of Infertility

I have been thinking a lot recently about how amazingly fortunate I am to be a mother. I often think about what I went through to get here and so many other hopeful women and men facing their own struggles with being involuntarily childless. I hate that any of us have to live that term but I love how accurately it represents what the experience is truly like and I am so grateful to the sociologists I referenced in my literary review for coining it. Language is a crucial part of any cause and using the right language can make a world of difference in reaching those in need and enacting change. With that said, I truly think the term "involuntarily childlessness" is an important and deeply relevant term that needs to be used more within our community. 

Yes, infertility is still a very important and powerful term. It gives us a medical diagnoses, a definable issue to understand to dissect and try to cope with. But for me and I think for so many others who struggle with "infertility", the term itself leaves us feeling incomplete. It doesn't quite encompass what our struggle is really about. It is the word that isn't quite the word you were looking for, but settle on when the right one never makes it off the tip of your tongue. It's good but not good enough. It acknowledges that those of us unable to easily have children are facing something real and big and difficult but it leaves so much more out. It isolates those of us that can conceive but suffer from tragic losses. It discounts entire groups of women and men who find themselves ready, willing and wanting children but not in a socially acceptable position to have them and therefore afraid to or unable to actually try. It fails to include those feeling a new surge of pain at a disrupted adoption, a failed cycle, a canceled donor or a lost pregnancy. It leaves out the millions of people struggling month after month who have yet to pay a visit to a doctor and receive an official infertility diagnoses. Most importantly, it fails to adequately name what matters most to those who are facing it. Specifically, people with infertility, often don't care about being infertile as much as they care about not having children despite wanting them more than anything. Infertile is second to being involuntarily childless.

At least, that's how it was for me. When I did the research for my paper and found that term, it really spoke to me because that is how I identified myself over just about everything else. I have an official diagnoses. I know exactly why I can't get pregnant on my own. I am medically infertile and it definitely matters to me. I have gone through my fair share of feeling betrayed by my body, being angry at myself, feeling like less of a woman, less of person for being unable to conceive. But conception was always the smallest aspects of the mountain of emotions I felt when struggling with infertility. What mattered to me more was that I wanted to be a mom. I wanted a child to care for, to raise, to clean up after, to spit up in my hair, to kiss, to set curfews for, to cuddle, to love. What broke my heart on every holiday, every weekend outing, every quiet morning wasn't a medical term but the deep feeling of sadness at wanting more than anything a child with whom to celebrate and experience all the wonderful and all of the every day joys of life, but having empty arms anyway.

I know there are so many women and men out there who have felt that pain who might not consider themselves "infertile". Who don't know about RESOLVE, don't attend support groups or seek medical care. Maybe they just aren't there yet or don't want to face something so daunting or scary. I will never forget opening up to a friend about how emotional and difficult it was trying to conceive and how broken-hearted I was about being infertile. At the time I hadn't been officially diagnosed or started treatment yet. Because of this, she tried to comfort me that I wasn't really infertile. I didn't have to do anything crazy like IVF (gasp!). But despite my lack of diagnoses, I still clung to the term because I knew what I was going through was more than just "TTC". I had been on that road for far too long and been through far too much pain. I was involuntarily childless. I wonder if we integrated that term into the discussion on infertility and loss more often if we might be able to reach more people in need of support. I also wonder if we might be able to better reach those who have never had to experience a life of involuntary childlessness and allow them to more easily empathize and understand our experiences. Yes, some infertile people adopt, some have babies through ART and some never have children but what we all have in common is that none of us chose to be faced with those decisions. We all grow up presumptively believing that one day, when we are ready, we will be able to be parents. It's just a given. But for 1 in 6 of us having children doesn't turn out to be something automatic and instantaneous and I think this term helps convey that. 

Of course, I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. The term "infertility" is still very real and very needed. Just as infertility does not encompass the entire experience, neither does the term involuntary childless. Secondary infertility is very real, very prevalent and very important. I in no way wish to discount the very emotional struggle of parents facing difficulty conceiving for the 2nd, 3rd or even 4th time. Infertility still matters. I am still faced with it nearly every day and will be swimming in it again when I go back for another FET to hopefully have a second child one day.  While I still am and always be infertile, I am enormously blessed to no longer be involuntarily childless. These two terms, while incredibly similar aren't exactly the same and I pledge to do my part to acknowledge and provide support and advocacy for both experiences.

Second Time Around?

It's official: my sweet little Snow Pea isn't a baby anymore. She is 14 months old as of a few days ago and she is walking and talking a little more each day. Despite my all of my attempts to savor every second and slow down time, she has become a toddler. 

It is an amazing stage really. I love the sound of curiosity in her voice asking "What's that?" and I do my best to answer as enthusiastically the 400th time she asks as I do the 1st. Even better is when she asks, I answer and she responds, "ooo cool". I love watching her toddle into the kitchen every morning- step, step, fall, crawl- to pull open every cabinet until she finds the small saucepan the is just the perfect size for carrying around and banging on the floor. I love hear her exclaim "woof, woof!" anytime she hears or sees a dog. I love how absolutely nuts she goes when a playground is in eyesight, begging to go play by signing "more, please, more, please, please". Speaking of signing, I am blown away by all of the signs she does! She knows about 40 now and the other day, Chad and I spied on her pulling all the books from her shelves and "reading" them to herself by flipping through the pages and doing the signs for every picture she knew the word for. It was amazing! 


Toddlerhood is not without its challenges though. As she gets older she is learning more about what she likes and does not like and can get pretty demanding and whiny. Our new nickname for her is "Yelly Ellie" because she is quite vocal with her opinions. She also has no problem physically pushing someone away if they get too close and she doesn't want them to. She has done it to both myself and Chad, as well as a few of her baby friends and even a stranger who wanted to say hi but made the mistake of penetrating Eliana's "bubble". She throws food on the floor, arches and wiggles out of our arms anytime we try to hold her and gets into EVERYTHING. Anyone with a toddler and a clean house must be a superhero. 


All this toddler stuff really is great, but I feel like it snuck up on me. I knew it would go fast but I really can't get over how quickly her baby days flew by. It's like I blinked and they were over!  And now that she is no longer a "baby", the inevitable questions about when we will try for number two have started. I am now very outspoken about my infertility and the nature of Eliana's conception, so thankfully most people know and try to be respectful when they ask. I make sure they know I am completely ok with answering anything they want to know. I do find it interesting though that almost everyone's first question is whether a FET means we get to choose the sex of our baby. (The answer is no, in case you are wondering. The embryos do have a genetic make-up that is male or female but there is no way of finding that out without costly and risky genetic testing, which is typically reserved for cases of medical need).

Every time I'm asked I have to really stop and think about my answer. Chad and I have had a plan for a while now that we would revisit Dr Jedi for another FET sometime in the first half of 2013. But as my Snow Pea continues to grow, I find myself daydreaming of another tiny baby in the house. I begin romanticizing late night feedings and newborn cries. I even caught myself researching baby names & texting Chad for his input, just like I did when I was pregnant. More and more I can see a sibling for Eliana. I almost feel ready to have that baby. But when I think about what it would take to make that happen, I realize I am nowhere near ready to go through that process again. 

The sleepless nights, the aching back, the swollen feet, the leaky boobs. None of it was easy, but none of it compared to the anxious hopes, the empty arms, the broken heart. I try to relive what another treatment cycle would be like, and it emotionally overwhelms me. I don't think I always realize just how much having Eliana in my arms has healed me. Taken away the pain, anxiety and fear that I lived with daily. A day without tears was a rarity in my life not too long ago, now the opposite is true. It's unbelievable how much happiness she has brought into my life. But I remember those emotions, that pain. I know how easily they could come back as I anxiously hope and pray myself through another two week wait or a BFN. 

I admit though, the next time around won't be nearly as emotional as the last. If we attempt a FET without success, I will be disappointed and emotional, but it won't be as devastating now that we have our sweet girl to hold on to for comfort. The stakes will never be as high as they were before I became a mom. Even if we aren't fortunate enough to ever have another child, we will always be parents to this amazing little girl. I know all of that, but I am still not ready. I want another child, I do. I want a sibling for Eliana. And if it was as simple as just that, who knows what our choice would be, but the fact is that it's not that simple and I am not yet ready to leave my happy bubble to dive back into treatment and the anxiety that comes with it. Thankfully, we have no reason to rush. I can focus on parenting our toddler and my educational goals and cross the FET bridge when we get to it. And I know that I will get through that future cycle no matter what happens. I have learned so much on this journey and connected with so many incredible, supportive people, and I know those things will help see me through any difficulty I may face. We'll get there. In the meantime, I am going to keep working on my "slow down time" machine

NIAW: Don't Ignore The Baby Steps

April 22- 28, 2012, is National Infertility Awareness Week. It is a time to speak up, to share our journeys and educate others about infertility. A time to increase our advocacy on the issues facing those with infertility. A time to raise the volume on the voice of the infertility community and ensure that we are not forgotten or ignored. 

All over the country so many of us have participated in NIAW by organizing and participating in fundraisers, sharing infertility information online and writing blog posts dedicated to raising awareness. For many, NIAW also marks their "coming out" as many of us choose this week to open up about our private struggles and share with our friends and family what we have been up against. I myself, shared my journey publicly for the first time during NIAW just two years ago. It is an inspirational week and the advocacy and awareness that takes place is incredible. There are so many big things happening this week and it's important to talk about them, to share them and cheer for them. But in doing so we must be sure not to ignore the smaller steps being taken as well.

You may not know this from reading my blog, which is focused on my personal journey rather than the broad scope of infertility, but I am passionate about advocacy and I very often feel guilty for not doing enough. I feel guilty for not fundraising, for not blogging enough, for not writing enough letters to my politicians, for not networking and supporting the community as much as I want to. Maybe you feel this way too. Maybe you haven't donated or written a blog post this week. Maybe you don't feel ready to publicly share your journey on Facebook or open yourself up to family and friends. Maybe you had never even heard of NIAW until now. But that doesn't mean you can't get involved in whatever way you are comfortable with, no matter how big or small. Don't ignore that even the smallest of actions can have a big impact. 

Advocacy can often feel like embarking on a perilous climb up a steep mountain. The goal often feels insurmountably high and the steps to get there immeasurably large. It is often intimidating to even think about facing that huge hurdle, but don't ignore the baby steps. Don't ignore that donating just one dollar to an organization like RESOLVE can provide vital funding to a program that supports the 7.3 million women and men in this country dealing with infertility. Don't ignore that sharing just one simple fact about infertility can open someone's eyes to the reality of the disease. Don't ignore that just one phone call to your local representative can impact public policy that affects family building options. Don't ignore that even an anonymous blog post can comfort someone who thought they were alone with their struggle and can also provide you with an emotional outlet in the process. Don't ignore the possibility that someone close to you is suffering in silence and by sharing your journey, you may both find solace. Don't ignore that even just one kind word to someone who feels alone, one virtual hug to someone who is hurting, one supportive comment to someone who feels lost can make all the difference for them.And don't ignore that the end of NIAW today, doesn't mean the end of opportunities to raise awareness or show your support. Advocacy can be big or small and it can happen every day of the year.

Don't ignore infertility. Don't ignore its effects. And most importantly don't ignore yourself or the positive impact you can have on the infertility community every little step at a time.

For more information about infertility, National Infertility Awareness Week, and ways you can get involved visit:

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

I'm Not A Failure, Just Infertile

This is a post that has been a long time coming. I have been crafting it in my head and with little notes I've jotted to myself since July. I don't know why it took me so long to actually sit down to write it or why I decided that now was the time to do it, but now that I have the thoughts in my head have exploded and I think I might need to break this up into a few different posts. So here's part one.

I am infertile. I always will be. As such, I have heard a seemingly never ending list of cliches and supposed words of wisdom that I am sure almost every other woman and man in the IF community has rolled their eyes at a million times as well. You know what I'm talking about. The nausea inducing questions about whether you've tried this or that old wives tale, the insistence that you should "just" adopt, and the ever popular, make you want to punch someone "just relax". We've all written or read some amazing posts and articles about just how crushing these words can be, along with some incredible "what to say, what not say" guides. I've been blown away by how perfectly some of my fellow IF bloggers have opined on these well intentioned but ignorant statements and attitudes so I won't re-hash too much of what you have all read or written yourselves but now that I am an IF mom, I've realized I have a few new things to add too.

When Eliana was about 3 months old, a friend of ours gave birth to her naturally, effortlessly conceived healthy baby boy. Chad and I were excited to meet up with another couple, mutual friends, to visit the new parents and meet the little guy. I of course, carried my infertility PTSD with me through it all and felt twinges of IF emotions but mostly, we were all happy for them. Chad and I were also reaching out to the other friends we met up with, who we knew had recently been TTC without success. After oohing and ahhing over the sweet little guy, the four of us went to dinner and talked more in depth about their situation: what they had done so far and what was on the horizon. Mostly, they had just been do what married people do without protection for a little under a year. They hadn't yet reached the point of temping, charting or OPKs and still had to make an appointment to discuss these things as well as fertility testing with their doctor. So we gladly served as their information resource. Explaining how the ovulation cycle works, when to time BDing (wow it's been forever since I called it that! Thanks, IVF!) as well as what to expect as far as testing and the treatment options.

I felt good during this conversation. It was nice to have all those years of reading, googling, tweeting, researching and of course living it first hand benefit someone else. They were very appreciative of how open and willing we were to answer all of their questions. But then they said something I would've never expected to feel a reaction to, especially not the one I had. As I was explaining the treatments and the typical progression that takes place if one doesn't work, they stopped and said that they hope it never comes to IVF because they don't think they could go through all that. If it got "that bad" they don't know what they would do. I said I understood and hoped they'd have success without it as well, and I meant it. But inside I also felt incredibly defensive. I wanted to stand up and defend IVF, tell them it really isn't as bad as they think it is. That in some ways it's actually pretty great. That I couldn't imagine my life without that experience and even if I could go back and change it, I wouldn't. That I wouldn't have it any other way. After all it's thanks to IVF/FET that I am a mother today.

If I try really hard I can remember what it was like to be in their shoes, before the reality of infertility changed my life. I remember when I still believed that getting pregnant was just going to take a little longer than I thought and require just a little bit better timing. I never believed it would come to something as big and real as IVF. In my mind I wasn't truly infertile, just having a more challenging time than some people. One day I would realize I was "late" and poas and plan some sneaky cute way to surprise my husband with the good news that he was going to be a daddy. The "how I found out" story among new moms is a lot like the "how he proposed" story among new brides, and I always feel a little stab of sadness and jealousy when those stories are being swapped, especially when it's my turn and my story is met with with obvious discomfort from people who were expecting cute, light romantic stories. I have a great proposal story and I just expected that I'd have a fairy tale "finding out" story too, but the months came and went and no good news ever come with them. Things slowly got more serious. We read more, took temperatures, changed our diets, saw doctors, did tests, timed, took pills and hoped. Then finally after years of slowly turning up the heat and our stress levels we were faced with the reality and the news that IVF was our only hope.

That day was devastating. We cried and mourned the loss of conceiving a child the way we always dreamed we would. It's often hard for most people to understand but there is a such loss there and I still feel it with every "naturally" conceived pregnancy announcement. (something I thankfully know from other IF parents, is totally normal). It was crushing to know that my body couldn't do something I had always just assumed it would. I felt betrayed by body, like less of woman for being unable to do what it was designed to do. And I couldn't believe I was really here, really in this place. The end of line in options to have a biological child.

But the next day, we dried our tears and went about making our decisions about what to do next, and as you know, we decided that IVF was the right choice for us. And as soon as the decision was made and the process began, there was surprisingly a great deal of stress lifted off our shoulders. We had been timing and monitoring everything ourselves, every month for ages. Everything was timed and we often did things we felt too tired for because it was the OPK smiley face day and we thought we "had" to. Now, we had someone else doing all of that monitoring for us and we could do what we wanted, when we wanted, or not at all if we chose Sure, there were blood draws, and wandy visits and needles, lots and lots of needles. It certainly wasn't easy. But it felt like we were finally doing something other than wandering blindly through TTC hoping for success. There were tangible progressions, follicle counts and hormone levels to hold on to. And although I was terrified it wouldn't work, I knew that if it didn't and we reached the end of that road too, we would take the time to mourn the loss and then pursue adoption. We had already been certified for the foster to adopt program in our county and knew who to contact when we felt ready. I still had a long journey of head of me either way but I finally felt that I knew where I was going, and all roads led to motherhood.

I was one of the lucky ones it worked for. Although my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I am still blessed to have my precious daughter here through the wonders of frozen embryo transfer. It wasn't an easy road but it was a worthwhile one. And not only did the technology of IVF & FET make my dream of motherhood come true, it forced me to grow, to expand. I know so much more about the way my body works, about how conception and pregnancy really happen. And needless to say, I have met some of the most incredible people along the way. I will still always be a little wistful that I ever had to go through that growth, to learn everything I did. Ignorance is bliss in so many ways, and I am still a bit jealous of women who don't even know what a luteal phase is let alone how long theirs is. But now that I do know these things, I couldn't dream of turning back. As challenging as this road has been and although it will always be more demanding and more emotional I am forever grateful for how it has changed me and what it has given me.

There is an unspoken implication that IVF is a last resort to becoming a parent, as if you have failed if this where you end up. I have seen it on people's faces and heard it in their voices over and over again. It is evident in their carefully chosen words about how they imagine having to do something "like that". And every time I quietly speak up on the side of IVF and all ART as well as the choices to adopt or live child free. There is too much negativity, too much stigma attached to each of these choices and too much assumption about what leads people to them. There is too much fear and shame. Of course, I'd love to make infertility vanish so that no one ever has to know the pain and anguish of not being able to have a child, so that these choices never have to be faced by anyone who wants to be a parent. But as much as I wish it, I can't change mine or anyone's infertility but I can speak up. I am proud of my experiences, I am grateful for what I endured. I am not ashamed of how my daughter was conceived and I will always make sure that she and the rest of the world knows it.

Just The Beginning

Happy 2012! I can't believe it's a new year already, and not only that but almost 2 weeks into the year! Just a couple of days ago, Snow Pea reached 9 months. And what a month full of excitement this past one was! She got her first two teeth and while I am sad to say goodbye to her gummy, toothless smile, I love the joy on her face as she munches on new finger foods. She learned to play "So Big!" and will frequently start raising her arms and giggling, patiently waiting for me to fill in the words. She also started blowing kisses and loves the sound of her own voice saying "muah, muah, muah". As for me, I am cherishing every single second and marveling that she has already been out almost as long as she was in. The 9 months of pregnancy feel more and more like a dream that I only believe happened sometimes because I have the pictures and the baby that were created in those 41 weeks. These past 9 months raising Snow Pea on the other hand, feel simultaneously as if they've flown by and as if they have no beginning, like life without her never really existed in the first place.

On the night before she officially turned 9 months, I was thinking about these things, about how much she has grown and changed in this time and about how much I grew and changed during the 9 months before she was born. And then I thought about the 3 years before that, the three years full of hurt and tears, charts and pee sticks, wands and needles, pain and hope. And in that moment a huge realization crashed over me: Snow Pea was about to be 9 months old and soon she will have been alive longer than she was growing in my tummy. But even bigger than that, one day, not today but one day God willing, she will be alive longer than the time we spent getting her here. One day I will be a mother for more time than I spent trying to be one. Even typing it now blows me away.

For some, this may not seem terribly exciting or emotional or noteworthy, but for me it's all of those things. It's the realization that while I will always be infertile and will never have a child without either the assistance of a medical team or the process of an adoption, I have nonetheless survived infertility. It's the realization that although the struggle of infertility nearly consumed three years of my life and has left wounds that will never fully heal, scars that will never disappear, my life is now consumed instead by my amazing daughter and one day soon that time will far surpass the time that came before it. Despite the pain that felt like it might strangle me at times, despite the moments that shook my hope & faith, despite the things I lost and will never get back, I survived. And although I am not exactly the same person I was before going in, I am happy with who I have become. Those three years are some of the biggest in my life and they will forever have an effect on me, but now I have also experienced 9 months of motherhood that have already changed me and effected even more.

Am I Doing This Right?

Why is it that I can never stop thinking there is a right and wrong way to do everything? Really when I stop and think about it, there really are very few things in this world that have only one "correct" method but somehow I always find myself worrying that my methods and choices are somehow incorrect. . Two plus two equals four is correct and two plus two equals five is obviously incorrect, math is like that. But just about everything dealing with how to live our lives really doesn't have a right or a wrong, just a my way and your way.

Back when I was TTC naturally the fear I was doing it "wrong" was huge. You start out thinking there is no way you could do this wrong. I mean, you just do, you know "it", and nine months later you become a parent. When that didn't happen I worried about what I was doing wrong. Maybe the days weren't right, or the times of day or the amount or what I was eating. As I fell further down the TTC rabbit hole, I worried that I was charting incorrectly or not interpreting my CM the right way, Then during IVF and FET I obsessed over the "correct" amount of time to be on bed rest and whether to eat pineapple or not.

Pregnancy wasn't too much better when it came to the "Am I doing this wrong?" game. OB or midwife? Birthing Center or hospital? Which one was the "correct" choice. And if that was bad, it is nothing compared to the everyday decisions of parenting and feeling like somehow there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way. I know I shouldn't, but I continually worry I am not doing it right. I love my daughter and I shower with her love every single day and I know that's the most important thing, but when should I be introducing solids? She's 5 months old tomorrow and I have moms insisting to me I should have started a month ago and that she'll be behind and yet others who swear that you have to wait until 6 months. And naps! She naps multiple times a day, sometimes 2, usually 3 and sometimes for 45 mintutes, sometimes 2 hours. She sleeps through the night but sometimes wakes up in the middle to eat and sometimes doesn't. And I keep hearing about what a baby my age should be doing as far as sleep and routine. We have a routine but it's a very flexible one, and sometimes I feel like that in itself is somehow viewed as wrong.

Intellectually, I know that none of that is true. Yes, there are some very basic guidelines about providing for my daughter's needs but so much of what people tout as the "correct" way to do things are really just their opinions. I know this but I still have to stop and remind myself constantly that what we do in our household works for our family and that's what really matters. Yes, Eliana might be taking a 30 minute nap today at 9am and then a hour long nap the next at 9:30. Some nights she wakes me up at 1am to eat, others she sleeps right through. No two days are alike, but that that works for us. If I am happy, Chad is happy and our daughter is healthy and happy, we aren't doing it wrong no matter what the moms on the playground or the parenting magazines say.

It is easy however to fall prey to doubt and fear of getting it wrong when so much is on the line. During TTC and IVF the obvious fear was that if I missed a crucial day of BDing or took myself off of bed rest too soon, I would never become a mom. Now that I finally am one, the fear is that if I go in to comfort my Snow Pea too often when she is going to sleep or start her on rice cereal too early, I will be starting a chain reaction of problems and issues for her as an adult. And of course you can find a scientific study or firsthand experience to back up the claims of every side of an issue. For every mom who swears her baby slept through the night as soon as she started solids, there's another that insists her child became so constipated that he was awake all night crying in discomfort. Just further proving that in so many situations there is no right or wrong, just what works for you and what doesn't.

It isn't even the world around me that tells me I am doing it wrong so much as it is me. I have crazy standards and expectations for myself sometimes, and if you know me, you know I can be insanely hard on myself. I sometimes try so hard to get everything right and beat myself up when I don't, that I can miss seeing how great everything is, in spite of or even because of, its "wrongness". So I plan to keep doing what's working, what makes me and my family happy. Because that in itself means I'm doing something right.

A Whole New 2ww...

As far as the dates go, I have reached the "baby could be here at any moment" stage of my pregnancy. I am 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant with only 10 days left until my official due date. I am due April 2, and since the beginning I have been hoping Snow Pea would have a late March birthday. With only a little over a week left in the month, we will just have to wait and see if that happens or not. Of course, I will be thrilled to meet her whatever day she decides to introduce herself, but after learning at today's OB appointment that she is measuring at about 8 pounds, I am hoping now more than ever that decides to come into the world sooner rather than later.

In addition to estimating my baby girl's weight, which has remained consistent since our first size check, Dr. Casual was also happy to tell me that she has also begun dropping although she still has some room to go and she is still sitting "sunny side-up" facing my front instead of my back, which can make labor harder and more painful. As always, he wasn't at all concerned about her position and said most babies turn around a lot right up until they start moving through the birth canal.

We were also all very curious about whether there had been any progress in my body that would indicate labor might be coming and thankfully I have begun to dilate, but only a centimeter or so. Luckily, that centimeter is all we needed to be able to strip the membranes. When I asked about whether we should do it, Dr. Casual got a bit excited and bragged that not only could we give it a shot, but that when he does it, it almost always works and usually rather quickly. He said he even has a reputation for being effective among the hospital nurses. I figured it was worth a shot so he went ahead and preformed the procedure, which was really more uncomfortable than painful. If it works in starting labor, it should be within the next couple of days, which is insanely exciting, but I also know that it doesn't work for everyone so I am trying not to get my hopes too high.

The big conversation throughout my appointment, was about whether I had been having any labor symptoms. And have I? Well, I sure have been analyzing the hell out of every twinge, twitch and cramp that has graced my body for the past week. With less than two weeks to go and nothing to do but wait, I am having flashbacks to the 2ww of TTCing. It started with the cramps. "Could that be a sign?" "Don't people say contractions feel like cramps in the beginning?" " Let's see what Dr Google has to say." Then came the increasing Braxton Hicks contractions, which I stop everything for so that I can try to note just how strong they are and whether they are happening at regular intervals or not. Last night and this morning I was very nauseous and found myself yet again googling pre-labor signs. Now that I have had my membranes stripped the cramps have gone into overdrive which has my hopes higher than ever. But just like the 2ww when TTC, nothing is conclusive and all I can really do is wait and try to make my brain stop obsessing about when labor will happen. The difference however, and it's a huge one, is that with this 2ww I actually know how it will end and the ending is a great one. The best one in the world actually, the one I have been waiting years for! Even if it takes another 2 weeks instead of another 2 days, in the end I WILL be a mom and there is nothing more amazing or wonderful than that!



Oh! I should also mention I have added a few pics to Snow Pea's baby website. If you want a glimpse of the nursery, check it out http://SnowPea.OurBabyChannel.com

Getting Back In the Flow

I need to get back in the flow, in more ways than one. I have been away from my blog and others blogs a lot in the past 2 months, mostly because I have also been out of the TTC game and haven't had too much to say. I really want to get back into the flow of writing and reading and commenting and being a part of the blogosphere that has been so wonderful to me. Also, today is 8 weeks to the day since my D&C and still no AF so that is another flow I really need to get back in to.

My RE said that after the procedure my period should return in about 4 to 6 weeks. Somewhere in the 5th week I started having tiny little hints of symptoms- a uterine twinge here, a tiny spot there- but no AF. I waited patiently and called my RE once the 6 week mark passed without AF. Dr Jedi spoke to me directly and we discussed options, finally agreeing to go through with a 5 day dose of Provera to bring on my period. I felt huge mix of emotions at this decision. I was relieved to be doing something more proactive than just idly waiting, but I also felt fear and anxiety about taking a new drug, as well as sadness that I needed it.

I have never taken Provera until now and I have heard many horror stories about the mood swings and other side effects of this super dose of progesterone, so I was very nervous that my already high level emotions would shoot off the charts. I finished the pills last night and the good news is I haven't had any symptoms or side effects, but the bad news is I haven't had any symptoms or side effects. I feel like AF is no closer than she was a few weeks ago. Hopefully I'm wrong though and she makes her grand and much anticipated entrance this week. It's so ironic to me that every TTCer I know is always praying for AF to stay away and bring a pregnancy but when situations arise that we really need her to come so that we can TTC again, she stays away. I know in reality AF is not a living thing but sometimes I start to believe my period really is a "she", some sort of mischievous faerie or sprite playing tricks on me for her own amusement. I hope she's getting a good laugh because I certainly don't find her jokes funny.

In addition to being nervous about taking a new drug for the first time, the decision to start Provera made me very sad. I started taking it just as I started what would have been my 16th week of pregnancy. Instead of getting ready to find out if my little Sprout was a boy or a girl, I was popping pills to force my period to come back. It just seemed so incredibly cruel and unfair. But I also knew that this would get me one step closer to being back on track with my FET and bring my baby that much closer to me.

Although it is sad that I am no longer pregnant (and haven't been for 2 months) I am so ready to get back in the flow and back to TTC. I am ready for the evil, tricky AF faerie to make her appearance so that I can start my FET. I feel like a car that has stalled. I keep turning the key but all I get are whirring, sputtering sounds. Hopefully, the Provera will get the car started again. The really good news is that once she finally shows it wont be more than a few weeks until my transfer. As much as I dread another 2ww, I can't wait for it either.

NIAW: Coming Out Of The Infertility Closet

As many of you know April 24 - May 1 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). If this is news to you or you would like to find out more about NIAW please visit resolve.org for more information. As this week's movement to increase awareness draws to a close, I wanted to take a moment to share the big step I took this week for NIAW.

For a long time I have been a "closet infertile". When Chad and I first decide to chuck our birth control methods we didn't tell many people because we assumed that a pregnancy would come and we could just tell friends and family about that once it happened. As time went on and it didn't happen, I began sharing with a few very close friends and family that we were going to be getting serious about trying. No one else ever even knew we were trying, let alone having trouble.

The more involved the process got, the more I found myself needing an outlet to deal with all of the testing, procedures and emotions. I created a new twitter account just for TTC purposes. And then came this blog. Some of the close family members I mentioned are followers but most other people in my real life don't even know it exists. Since the official "infertility" diagnoses last year and the subsequent IVF treatments, my quest for motherhood has played a HUGE part in my life, and hardly anyone knew. I feel like I have been living a double life. When we see or talk to friends I constantly feel like I am lying when I tell them I'm fine or talk about my week while carefully editing out my shots and doctor's appointments. It has been exhausting, especially now that my miscarriage has significantly upped the emotional stakes. So Chad and I both talked and agreed to take the plunge and "come out" together. We chose Facebook as the forum to do so since it was the most direct and surefire way to reach the majority of the important people in our lives.

This is what we posted:
Never even considered the possibility that we could be affected by infertility. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I want to honor our 3 year struggle...and S.G. I miss you even though I never met you

Tears and Hope [HQ]

Never forget how truly blessed you are, and never underestimate the pain that some people suffer, to have what you take for granted... For a better understanding of our journey through Infertility please watch this video. http://www.tearsandhope.com/

Length:7:47

If you haven't seen this video yet, be sure to watch with a tissue or two handy, I can never get through it without shedding a few (hundred) tears.

I was so incredibly scared to post, to expose myself and be so vulnerable. I had no idea what to expect and feared I would get negative or insensitive comments. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have received nothing but love and support, and lots of it. People thanked me for having the courage to post and spread awareness and wished us both nothing but good things on our journey to parenthood. I was moved to tears more than once by the comments people left and by some of the unexpected people that left them. We posted the day before my D&C, which I realized was a gamble, but one that paid off. I took all of the wonderful messages of hope and encouragement with me to bed and into surgery the next day and it gave me a little extra strength when I really needed it.

I got a few private messages as well, including one from an old acquaintance that has been struggling with her own loss lately and had not had anyone to talk to. It was amazing to be able to be there for her and have her support in return. If I helped just that one person, it is so worth it.

The greatest part though is that I feel like a more complete me again. I am not usually one to keep my mouth shut about anything I care about so compartmentalizing myself like this has been beyond draining. I feel so liberated to not be keeping this secret anymore. For so long I have felt consumed by all of this, but now that I have truly opened up about it, it feels like it rules my life a little less. I've realized that I was putting almost as much energy into my double life as I have into my fertility treatments. I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Coming out has also made me feel proud. I am proud that I had the courage to be honest. I'm proud of the amazing community of men and women that I have come to know through my blog and twitter. I am proud of the many other others that have also come out this week, you all have been such an amazing inspiration. I'm proud that despite the obstacles in my way, I haven't given up, and that I never will. I am so glad that made this decision, it is definitely one of the most rewarding things I have done in a long time and I look forward to continuing the conversation and raising awareness.

ICLW: My Story So Far

Well ICLW is here again and so much has happened since the last one I can't believe it. If you are visiting me for the first time I will give you the short version of my story so far. If you are unfamiliar with ICLW, which stands for International Comment Leaving Week, you can find information here.

My husband Chad and I married in March of 2007 and threw out all forms of birth control shortly after, fully expecting that simply "not preventing" would bring us a baby in no time. By the beginning of 2009, we had accepted that was not the case and began seeking medical help and got more serious about "trying" using charts, OPKs, and other tricks of the trade. Finally in the fall of 2009, we had a full work-up completed and learned that I had at least one blocked fallopian tube. My OB put me on Clomid to increase chances of ovulating on my "good side". I responded well each month but never got pregnant. After three months we abandoned the OB in search of an RE who quickly realized that my blocked tubes were worse than originally thought and recommended IVF.

In February of 2010 I began medications for my first IVF cycle and on March 12th I had 21 mature eggs retrieved. 15 of them fertilized naturally and all grew for 5 days to the blastocyst stage. On March 17th I had two blasts transferred and the other 13 were frozen. Then after what felt like the longest and scariest 2ww of my life, I went in for my beta on March 27th. The nurse called within hours to inform me that I was in fact pregnant with an hCG level of 235. It was the one of the most wonderful moments in my life, but the joy was short lived.

My beta rose but did not double for two of the following tests. Finally after an agonizing week of worry, it rose to well above where it should be and my first ultrasound was scheduled. At the appointment I should have been about 6 weeks along, but when my RE looked he could only find small bits of debris in an otherwise empty gestational sac. Another beta, another rise, so another ultrasound just to check again with the hope that there was a late implantation. Another week of worry and waiting. The next ultrasound on April 16th revealed a bigger, but still mostly empty sac and it was officially declared to be an early pregnancy failure and an impending miscarriage. I was told to stop all medications and come back for another beta to see if the numbers began dropping.

I went for the beta yesterday, April 20th, and being back in that office was a hell I could not wait to escape. Everything about being there reminded me of the pain of learning that the pregnancy I had finally achieved after 3 years of struggle was gone. As soon as I got outside I burst into sobs. When the office called me in the afternoon it was to inform me that my beta is still rising. So although we all know it is over, I have to go back this Friday, the 23rd for one more ultrasound. I dread that appointment and the pain of seeing the empty black hole inside my uterus again. This loss is a pain worse than anything I have ever known. I still can't believe that I had finally realized my dream only to have it all taken away. If infertility is unfair and painful, miscarriage in the midst of infertility can be pure torture.

I apologize for not having more messages of hope or optimism. It is just not a place that I have reached yet, the pain is still far too fresh. I promise I am usually a much more upbeat and optimistic person, and as such I find myself feeling guilty for not being more hopeful right now. I think once I get through the physical pregnancy and begin moving toward trying again, that the naturally happy me will begin to return. I do plan to go forward with a frozen embryo transfer once my body is ready so if you stick around there will be signs of hope and life again soon. My story is not over yet and I am not ready to give up on becoming a mom.

Thank you for stopping by, please feel free to poke around at my past posts and leave comments letting me know more about yourself. I hope to get to know even more wonderful bloggers this week and hear more about your stories.

ICLW: The Long Week Ahead

I want to start by saying welcome to all visitors from ICLW! This is my first ever ICLW, because I am a slacker and missed the sign up deadline for 2 months in a row, but I am very excited to be involved this month and honestly my first ICLW couldn't be during a more crucial week. You see at the end of this week I will learn whether another of my firsts has succeeded: my first IVF cycle. I need all the distractions I can get this week so I am very much looking forward to reading and discovering your blogs and stories.

Of course you can always read through my past blog entries to catch up on my infertility and subsequent IVF journey, but I will give you the short(ish) version here. My husband, Chad, and I married in March 2007(I am actually in the car on the way back from our anniversary trip as I write this) and threw out the birth control shortly after. Like most couples we assumed pregnancy would just happen on it's own and didn't really "try" for quite sometime. It eventually became apparent though that even though we were just "not preventing" something should have happened by now so off we went to the OB/GYN in early 2009. I was given some very basic blood work and instructions to start charting BBT and OPKs. We were in full swing with the "sperm meets egg" plan until a few months later when my husband received a promotion that included a move across the country from Orlando, FL to Orange County, CA, where we live now.

After taking some time to get settled and entertain visiting friends and family, we got serious and had the full fertility work-up including a semen analysis, all the important blood work and an HSG. My blood work and Chad's SA came back great, no problems to speak of, it was my HSG that caused concern. My left tube showed no spillage. So my OB put me on Clomid to hopefully increase chances of ovulation on my right side and sent me on my way to continue trying. We were diligent for three months and never missed my fertile window. Progesterone draws each month confirmed I was ovulating but never getting pregnant. Which meant it was time to seek out an RE.

My RE (unlike the OB) actually reviewed the films from the HSG with us and quickly ascertained that my tubes were much more blocked than originally believed. He broke the news that our only real option for a pregnancy was IVF. We talked about it for a few days and decided to jump right in. For the past month I have dealt with the injections, the dates with the ultrasound wand (wandy), and the anxiety that come with this process and somehow managed to stay sane and even smile the entire time.

A little over a week ago I went in for my egg retrieval, where 21 eggs were collected. Of those, 15 fertilized to become embryos and continued to grow right into the day 5 blastocyst stage. On St Patrick's day, I had 2 blastocysts transferred (which you can see here) and the other 13 were frozen. And now after all that activity there is nothing left to do but wait. I have always dreaded the 2ww but this one definitely feels like it has much higher stakes. My beta blood test to determine pregnancy will be scheduled for sometime this upcoming weekend, so if you come back next week hopefully you will get to hear the good news! Or you can give me some comfort and support at a time when I will definitely need it.

I am planning to stay as busy as possible during this week and hopefully stay sane in the process, which means more blog posts to come and lots of time reading and commenting your blogs! So welcome again ICLWers and thank you in advance for your comments. And thank you so much to my current followers for all of the love and support you have given me and continue to provide. The blog community has been such an amazing source of encouragement and friendship and I am so grateful to be a part of it.

We Have A Winner!

Let me first say that I am so excited about this giveaway and I really wish I had even more of this stuff lying around so that I could send you all an OPK or two!

I just couldn't bring myself to use a random number generator so I put one slip of paper for each of the eligible entries into a literal hat and drew out THE BIG WINNER! (So if you entered 5 times, you had 5 slips of paper in there, it just seemed the most fair to me this way) So without further ado the winner of my first ever giveaway who will receive a fabulous TTC Kit full of OPKs, HPTs and other goodies is.....

Hopeful Mama Hack

Congratulations to our winner, who blogs about her TTC journey over at Creating HackSpawn! I hope these goodies help you in your quest to motherhood. Thank you so very much to everyone that entered and a very big thank you for supporting me and my blog!

Going Out of Business Giveaway!

LOW-TECH TTC GOING OUT OF BUSINESS GIVEAWAY!
EVERYTHING MUST GO!!

As most of you know I am officially out of the low-tech TTC business and moving on to the high-tech: IVF. When I 1st realized that my stash of OPKs, HPTs, Pre-Seed, and various OTC pills and supplements were now completely useless to me, I was a bit bummed. I had not only spent a decent amount of time and money amassing these things, I had also mastered their use and knew when to poas, how to read those confusing pink lines and what days to take baby aspirin and what days to take mucinex. But then I remembered that I have so many wonderful TTC buddies out there who have been reading my blog and have been so supportive and I realized that this was the perfect opportunity for me to say thank you and pay it forward with some great fertility products!

Just a few short days ago I officially received and began using my new high-tech TTC kit. Full of lots and lots of drugs, and needles.

So now that I have this kit:
I am giving away this kit:

If you are TTC, my loss can be your gain! I am officially out of the low-tech TTC business and everything seen here must go!

Included in this giveaway:

• 12 Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com OPK test strips +instructions
• 4 Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com HPT test strips + instructions
  
• 4 ClearBlue Easy Digital OPK tests & reader + instructions
• 1 First Response Early Result HPT + instructions
  
• 1 sample pack of Pre-Seed fertility-friendly intimate moisturizer
• 1 sample pack of Pre' sperm-friendly lubricant
• A coupon for 10% off purchase of FertilAid fertility supplements
• Special surprise good luck charms, just for fun
  

So how can this amazing TTC kit be yours? Simple!

You must be a follower of this blog, if you're not already just click "follow" on the right hand side, and you must also leave me a comment on any of my other blog posts that you have not already commented on (posts made after this giveaway are included so it's ok to wait until I put up some new posts this week) and then leave a comment here letting me know which post you commented on.

See, easy peasy lemon squeezy!

And if you really, really want to win here are a few extra ways you can enter: (leave an extra comment for each extra entry)

• Follow me on twitter
• Tweet: "I am ready to win a fantastic TTC kit from @ready2bmom and you can get ready too at http://bit.ly/cl6rrx"
• Add my button to your blog
  
• Blog about this giveaway (make sure to leave a link in your comment)

Last day to enter is March 3rd and the winner will be selected randomly and announced March 4th. Good luck!

**Disclaimer: I have not been paid or in any other way compensated for any portion of this giveaway. All of these products were purchased by me and my opinions on their effectiveness are completely subjective. Many of these products have been removed from their original boxes but all products remain individually sealed in their original protective packaging. I will do my best to ensure their safety in shipping but cannot be held responsible for possible damage that may occur during shipping process.

Pressing Pause

My temps dropped. Late. And then AF came. Late. I cried my heart out and mourned this lost cycle and lamented about the tricks my body played on me. And then I realized that I need a break from the insanity. I am sick of being on a schedule. I am tired of being so hyper aware of everything my body is doing. I miss the days when Chad and I were just "not preventing", blissfully naive about my blocked tube and believing that if we just behaved like a normal married couple we would surely have a child nine months later. I am emotionally and mentally drained and consumed with the ttc process. It's time to hit pause.

Since this was my last cycle on clomid we have decided to press pause on the whole TTC routine. No temping, no OPKs, no clomid, no crazy BD rituals or requirements. Just a month for Chad and me to just be us. Of course, thanks to many months of charts, I have a vague idea of when I will ovulate so there is a good chance we will still BD during that time, but only if we want to. I know it will be a challenge for my controlling side to let go like this but I am also very relieved to give up some of the stress.

We are in no way giving up the fight, but we realize that it's time to take a break from the battle to rest and regroup. And this is also a perfect opportunity to meet with the experts and re-strategize. Our first appointment with the RE is this Friday. I have mixed feelings about this stage of our TTC journey but I ultimately feel like it's the direction for us right now.

Of course, there is the chance that our plan to take a break will change once we meet with the RE if he wants to do monitoring this cycle, but that's the great thing about a pause button, you can hit play and start right where you left off.

Signs, Signs Everywhere Signs

So it's official, I am entering the dreaded 2ww. That lovely time every month after ovulation but before you can take an HPT where you try not obsess over every little tummy twinge or bout of fatigue: "Is that implantation cramping or just gas pains? Am I exhausted because my body is furiously dividing cells or is it because I was up until after midnight chatting on twitter?"

As the months have gone on I have gotten much better about not reading into every "symptom" and have even been known to stop temping so that I can avoid the tendency to over-analyze every tiny dip or rise in my BBT. But one thing I can't seem to stop analyzing is the signs!

I am not really a very superstitious or religious person but I still have faith that there is more to the world than what I can see and sometimes it feels like the universe really is talking directly to me! Only 1dpo and the signs are already starting.

First, when I got my new OPKs in the mail this month the company included a temporary tattoo of a lucky shamrock. Chad (DH) and I got married the day after St Patty's so I always associate this imagery with the two of us and the start of our family- another shamrock could mean good things for the growth of our family!

More wedding related imagery- the last song at our wedding was "The Best is Yet to Come". I didn't shed a single tear the entire wedding day (I was just too busy smiling!), until this song played. The lyrics just hit me as I was looking into Chad's eyes dancing and then the waterworks started. Ever since, anytime this song plays it just happens to be when I am wondering about the what's next and I always take it to literally mean the next great thing is about to come. For instance, when I was unpacking after our move to California from Florida I was naturally thinking a lot about whether this would turn out to be the best for us and whether I could handle being 3500 miles away from ALL of our friends and family. Well, I decided to put on some music while I unpacked and what do you think the very 1st song that played was? Yep! "The Best is Yet to Come"! And as it played I unpacked the box that just happened to have our wedding photo on top! It was the 1st thing to hang in our new home. And it really turned out to be true. We are loving life here and can't wait to raise a child in California. And then last night, the day I O'd, Chad put on Pandora and the VERY 1st song on was again "The Best Is Yet to Come"!

Oh and this Wednesday marks 7 years of Chad and I as a couple, which means our 8th year together starts this week. 8 is my lucky number, not really a sign but still adds to my overall good vibes!

I am sure I will find plenty more signs as the 2ww goes on. I just can't help it!

Yes of course I know logically that anyone can take any mundane moment and make it all about them or make it fit their needs if they want to, but that doesn't mean I can't see these moments as reasons to hope. I am a dreamer by nature and my childlike belief in magic, wishing on stars, and gold at the end of the rainbow is something I could never give up. Sure I have no proof that the universe is giving me messages, but I also have no proof that it isn't.

So what about you? What good signs has the universe given you? I am really interested in hearing about your moments of serendipity. The song the radio played just for you or the fortune cookie that was surely destined to wind up in your take-out. There are signs everywhere! Share yours!

Frankie says "Relax"

They say when something is keeping you up at night, making you cranky, and generally NEVER off your mind that the best way to improve the situation is to "relax". And these same mysterious "they" say that journaling or blogging is an ideal way to get things off your chest and therefore relax. Kind of like personal therapy with a pen, or in this case a laptop.

So here I am writing my 1st ever blog, derived from what feels like my millionth handwritten (unfinished) journal in order to cope with the stress of infertility and trying to conceive. I have great friends and family, and of course a wonderful husband to talk to, but I still think about this stuff way more than any of these people probably want to hear about. So I have decided to share all of my happy, sad, ridiculous, disgusting, funny and hopeful thoughts on my journey to motherhood with the blogosphere instead.

Here is a quick rundown of my journey so far:

• December 6, 1982: born to the most wonderful mother in the world
  
• August 1999: wrote paper on what I will be doing in 10 years- motherhood was #1
  
• January 13, 2003: started dating my future husband, Chad
• March 18, 2007: married him
  
• April 2007: stopped "preventing".
  
• July 2007: 1st preconception Dr visit.
  
• March 2008: shifted from "not preventing" to "trying".
  
• January 2009: 1st "WTF IS WRONG?!?" appt. Told I'm still young, just start charting.
• January 2009: kept first chart of basal body temperatures.
  
• March 2009: found out we were moving to California from Florida. Whole world is flipped upside down. Stopped charting.
• April 2009: made the move.
• May 2009: found previously mentioned paper at mom's house. Almost 10 years later and not a mom as predicted. Started to doubt my talents as a fortune teller.
  
• July 22, 2009: started seriously charting again.
  
• August 9, 2009: got my 1st positive OPK. Did a happy dance and thought for sure the problem had just been timing and we would get pregnant very soon.
• September 23, 2009: found a new Dr in Cali- officially told we are dealing w/ infertility and given a huge packet of tests to complete.
• October 2009: completed tons of bloodwork, ultrasounds, a semen analysis for the hubby and a very painful HSG for me.
  
• October 7, 2009: informed I had "no spillage" in my left tube-it's completely blocked. All other tests came back "normal".
  
• October 27, 2009: started 50mg of Clomid to increase ovarian function & odds of ovulating on my "good" side.
• November 28, 2009: started 2nd round of Clomid
• December 28, 2009: started 3rd round of Clomid

Which brings me to now and back to the whole point of this. I'm supposed to "relax". Whoever decided this was sage advice is in serious need of a good thrashing by the way. I started this journey pretty relaxed but nearly three years later I feel that furiously fighting for what I want is completely reasonable. Whether I ever actually relax again or not, I will be a mom, I'm ready!