Two Years of Love & Laughter

To my precious Snow Pea on her 2nd Birthday: 

I can't believe that we just celebrated your 2nd birthday. It seems like such a short time ago that you came into my life and made it brighter with your laugh. You have grown so much and developed so many wonderful new abilities in these two years, but it is your ability to laugh easily, effortlessly and with sheer joy that is the most heart-warming, infectious and beautiful. Not a single day has passed this year in which I have not had the honor and privilege of hearing the music of your laughter. Even on those days you behave like a "terrible" toddler- tantruming, whining, pouting or crying uncontrollably for no other reason than you want to cry- you still find reasons to laugh, loudly and with utter abandon. 

In your second year of life you have become less of a baby and more of a child, and what a truly happy and loving child you are. You show concern when anyone around you expresses sadness or pain. You are always quick to ask if I am ok when I cough and to bless me when I sneeze. And once you are sure there is nothing serious to worry about, you are right back to laughing and doing your best to spread that laughter with a silly dance, a tickle fight or just a plain old squeal of delight. You do that squeal a lot actually, it's kind of your trademark, you're very well known for it. You don't even need a big reason- your friend is in the stroller next to yours, you successfully put your plate into the dishwasher, you are in the middle of singing a song you really like, Daddy is lying in the middle of the living room floor- any little happy moment is cause for BIG celebration. 

As you turn two, it is clear that you have many emerging talents and I know you will continue to acquire new skills, interests and abilities as you grow. I will be there to encourage that growth and help you develop your talents but it is your effortless ability to find daily joy, to laugh loudly and often, that I hope with all of my heart never changes as you age. I hope that each day continues to bring you reasons to laugh, to smile and to squeal with delight and if the day does not give them to you, I hope you continue to find them yourself as you do right now. 

There was a time that I feared I may have lost my ability to be joyful the way you are now. I was hurting and broken and I felt that I may have lost a part of me that I might never get back. In many ways, I think I was right. I have lost, I have changed. But thanks to you, your presence in my life, my life as your mommy, I have found parts of me that I thought were gone and even created some new ones too. The very thought of you is enough to bring a smile to my face and your daddy and I have yet to have a night pass after you're asleep when we don't recount the amazing, charming and hilarious things you said and did that day. You are our joy baby girl, just as the entire world is yours. Thank you for two incredible years of loving and laughing. I look forward to countless more giggles, squeals and smiles with you in the years to come. Happy Birthday. 

Love, Mommy

What I'm Thankful For

The holiday season is upon once again and again I have so very much to be thankful for. Really just so much and of course the top of a list that includes incredible friends, loving family, an amazing husband and the light of my life, my precious daughter. I can't even tell you how much my heart swelled last holiday season or many tears of joy and disbelief I shed at spending my first holidays as a mommy. There truly was nothing more wonderful or magical. 

This year, however, I have realized I have something completely unexpected to be thankful for. For the first time since infertility took over my life, I have begun to feel, well almost normal. I don't think I really understood just how much infertility influenced everything in my life until it didn't anymore. I mean there were the years of trying, temping, injecting, wanding and waiting that have dominated nearly all of my energy, both mental and physical. Then came the complex layers of joy & anxiety that came with finally getting pregnant. And finally the surreal and joyous experience of actually having my child here in the world. Yes, it's been challenging, anyone who says parenting isn't, is lying, but everyday has also been another chance for me to reiterate just how incredible it is to be here, to celebrate the things that most parents may not even notice, to express to the world just how grateful and blessed I feel. More and more each day though, I find myself just living each day as it comes without all of the fanfare. Yes, of course I still feel blessed and grateful but it is not necessarily my every waking thought and that it a good thing. 

Before infertility, I had interests, I had passions and thoughts that absolutely nothing to do with children or babies or motherhood. But once we began down the road to parenthood, it quickly became the only thing that existed in my life. For 3 years everything has been about being a mom. Trying to be one, hoping to be one, hurting when I wasn't, celebrating when I was. I almost completely forgot who I was. Lately however, I have been finding a lot more of me in my life. I have let myself spend time with friends without feeling guilty that I'm away from Snow Pea. I have taken two trips now without her and I have very much enjoyed the time away. I didn't even talk incessantly about her while I was gone. My husband and I haven't had enough time alone unfortunately, due to busy schedules, but when we do we have found ourselves interested in having conversations that don't revolve around parenting. We've talked about politics, life, friendship, daydreamed about future travel, all of those things that used to matter before the big IF. 

I am loving rediscovering myself and remembering all of those things that used to be me. I am especially excited to be that person again as my daughter grows up so that I can give her a well-rounded childhood. It's easy as a parent after IF for me to be too protective or too focused on how "miraculous" parenthood is but I know in the big picture that isn't fair to her. She shouldn't have me worrying her whole life or putting her on an impossible pedestal. That is just too much pressure and childhood is hard enough without having to live up to your parents' dreaminess about your existence. Of course, I want her to know how loved she is, how much she was wanted, how hard we fought but I never want her to think that means she isn't allowed to make mistakes or have bad days. She doesn't owe us anything. She gets to be a normal kid just like all of her friends. She doesn't need the burden of forever being a "miracle baby".  

So while I will most definitely be expressing my gratitude this holiday that IVF was a success for me and that I am finally a mom, I will also be taking the time to do express thanks that the things that make me who I am, things I once worried I might have lost forever to the black hole of infertility, are slowly but surely becoming part of my life again. 

Welcome Home

If you have read any of my posts in the past few months, you may have noticed my schedule is just a teensy bit full lately. Between entertaining out of town guests, travels of our own, moving into our new home and the daily in and outs of everyday life I feel like I have barely been able to take a breath lately, let alone think about how I feel about all of the things that have been happening. I have however been trying my absolute best to live in and enjoy every moment of all of these events both big and small. 

For starters, we had an amazing time on our first trip without Eliana. I was so nervous that I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself but in the end all three of us benefited from the trip. Chad and I were able to spend quality time with each other and our friends and Eliana had an amazing time with her grandparents. And absolutely nothing compared with the moment we came home to her excited smiles and endless hugs. She spent the entire afternoon after we got home running back and forth between the two of us giggling and throwing herself into full body hugs and kisses. I melt all over again just thinking about it. 

We didn't have long to stop and reflect on the fun we had though because the next day we threw ourselves straight into moving and it's been non-stop since. It has been so busy that I haven't had time to really reflect on leaving the home we inhabited for the past three years. Yeah, it's just an apartment, but so much happened there. This was where we lived when we came to California from Florida without a friend or family member within 1000 miles, when it was literally just the two of us against the world. This was where we held each other and cried after so many BFNs, where we hoped things would "just fall into place". We were in that apartment when we decided to pursue IVF. We where there for both of the phone calls that gave us the news that I was pregnant. We holed up together in that living room crying and mourning the loss of my first pregnancy. I will never forget the days I spent in that bedroom on bedrest after my FET, hoping that Snow Pea was snuggling in as I watched "Gone With the Wind" and relaxed to the hum of our new window a/c as the 115 heat wave roared outside nor will I forget any moment of the pregnancy that followed and all of the excited hopeful moments that it contained. Taking apart the desk and guest bed to make room for a crib and changing table, hanging vinyl star decals on the freshly painted nursery walls, baking spicy labor cookies in the tiny kitchen, saying goodbye to our life as a couple as we left for the hospital and hello to our life as a family when we returned home with Snow Pea in our arms. 

That apartment is where Eliana laughed for the first time, spoke her first words and took her first steps. There are so many amazing and important memories there and it is bittersweet leaving the place where so many important moments in my life took place. But it's not just the past I am sad to say goodbye to. In the past few months we have become close with the neighbors that live next door to us. They have a son just a bit older than Eliana and the two of them have a blast playing together. And the four of us adults have a great time just hanging out, talking and laughing together. The first time we sat on the patio together chatting, we were there until 3am, not realizing just how late it was. Becoming parents isn't exactly easy on your social life and having friends we genuinely liked and clicked with right next door was pretty incredible. We got to feel like our Saturday nights were fun again while still having the comfort of being just a few steps away from our baby girl. Of course, we are maintaining our friendship with them but we are definitely sad to give them up as neighbors. I know it's just a place, just four walls and a roof but I can't help but feel a connection to that place. I probably always will. It is after all where I lived for what has turned out to be the most significant three years of my life.

We are officially living in our new house (yes that is a picture of it- LOVE!) and we really do love it here. This house has more space, heaps more character and a great yard complete with white picket fence. We are just two blocks from the park and five blocks from downtown and all kinds of fantastic cafes, coffee shops and antique stores. But there is still plenty left to do until we are "settled". Luckily, Snow Pea loves the new house and only really lost sleep our first night here. Since then, she has become pretty comfortable and happy in her new digs. Speaking of happy, that is her new favorite word. She started saying it last week and hasn't stopped. It is absolutely, unbelievably heart melting to hear! I ask her if she is a happy baby girl then she responds with a giant smile and giggle before exclaiming "happy! happy! happy!" over and over again. It's the best. She has a few other new words too. She loves saying apple, up, baby, book, ball and her two best friends names Avery and JoJo. All of which she has learned since our move. She even said her very first sentence the other day! I asked her what she wanted to do and she said "go outside walk!" It was astounding! It is incredible to witness and experience every new day with her. She is developing such a fun, goofy and lovable personality and after only a week in the new house she has already created so many wonderful memories here. I can't wait to experience and create even more, maybe one day as a family of four.

To Snow Pea, With Love

Forgive me for posting this a week late, but it has been a non-stop whirlwind of activity lately! None so important or as emotional for me as my baby girl's first birthday on April 9, 2012.

To Eliana On Your First Birthday,
You will never know what this year has meant to me, how much joy and love you have brought into my life. I will remember the moment I first heard your cry for the rest of my life. It is a beautiful sound that echoes in my head and my heart constantly and I will be happy to replay it forever. I can't believe how quickly that sweet sound has gone and been replace by the glorious noise of your giggles and first words. Watching you grow and change throughout the first year of your life has been nothing short of amazing. Each day you give me and your Daddy new reasons to smile, new reasons to shed happy tears and new reminders of how unbelievably grateful and lucky we are to be your parents. I thought I knew love in the first moment I held your tiny body close to mine, just moments after you were born, but this year has shown me that I will never know just how deep and big my love can grow because each day I fall even more in love with you and and the amazing person you are already becoming.

You have such a unique personality and I love getting to know the things that make you, you. You adore books and kitties, always squealing with excitement for both. You like to share and to pretend to feed me and your baby, scooping invisible food from an empty cup onto a spoon. You love to giggle and dance and clap. You really are a very happy baby and people you meet in the store or on the street are always very excited to tell you that. You are dying to be even more mobile than you are already are and you get very frustrated if you're stuck in my arms or your carseat for too long. You love to communicate and have started picking up new signs within minutes and excitedly adding them to your vocabulary, as well as attempting to verbally repeat a lot of what Mommy and Daddy say. You're also a bit of a daredevil and you seem to enjoy the adrenaline rush of a slight scare. You have a toy monster that sings and dances and every time you see him, you squeal and beg to see him sing. But he also freaks you out and you always whine a little and reach for Mommy if he gets too close. We can't put him away though because you instantly cry and sign "more" to see him again and again, even though you're still a little scared. Only a year old and already standing up to your fears. Such a brave girl.

I have to admit I am a little sad to say goodbye to your first year of babyhood and all of those precious infant behaviors that you'll never get back, like the sweet "ooo" face you made as you stretched your arms and legs during your first few weeks home, and the sweet coos of contentment you made before you learned to make more distinct sounds and the adorable way you slept all wrapped up like a burrito in your swaddle. Those days were far shorter and flew by far faster than I could have dreamed. I would keep them forever if it didn't mean missing out on the joy and excitement of watching you grow up. As amazing as your infancy was, watching you venture into toddler-hood has been an incredible adventure. There nothing quite like seeing you figure out a new skill for the first time. The look of curiosity, determination and pride on your face is breathtaking. I hope and pray that these attitudes will stay with you for life. For my part, I will do my absolute best to nurture and encourage you to continue to be exactly who you are. I will do everything I can to ensure that you grow to remain the amazing person you already are at a year old: curious and playful, determined and daring, friendly and giving and most of all happy and excited about life. I will do everything in my power to make sure you always have a truly happy life full of love and joy, because that is what you have given me just by being here and you deserve nothing less. I love you, Snow Pea. You are the light of my life and my world is forever brighter with you in it. Thank you for giving me the best year of my life so far. Happy 1st Birthday, Eliana.

Love,
Mommy

ElliePalooza!

Although I still have a few days until my little Snow Pea is officially a year old, we held her big 1st birthday bash a few days ago. It was a musical themed Birthday Palooza and we had an absolute blast putting it together and even more fun enjoying it! Hope you enjoy the photos from Ellie Belly's fun day!

Dessert Table- This was one of my favorite aspects to plan and execute. We ordered simple but delicious cupcakes from a local bakery and had them dusted with sanding sugar in our party colors (bright pink, orange, turquoise, lime & yellow) and they included a free smash cake decorated like a drum. I made cupcake picks with scalloped circles and personalized confetti purchased on Etsy. Chad and I also handmade cake stand from old vinyl records by using gorilla glue to attach them to upside down margarita glasses. I also had fun making pretzel "drumsticks" with white chocolate and sprinkles. Chad used a free pennant printable I found to create the birthday banner. Add in the amazing re-purposed guitar plaque made by a friend, my hand-drawn music not confetti and rock candy and I am pretty much in love with this spread!

The Party- Eliana has been a music lover since day one. She dances and bounces to the beat of almost any song, can do the motions to "Wheels On the Bus" and "Itsy Bitsy Spider", loves to cheer and sing along and claps enthusiastically for an encore every time she hears music. Having a music themed party seemed like an obvious choice once I gave it some thought. We set up a play area with all of our musical instrument toys and nursery song board books. I really lucked out though, when an online deal site hosted a 75% off bargain for an hour-long music party from a truly fantastic local children's musician. The second Eliana saw the guitar in his hands she was transfixed and no interest in anything else but hearing the music he was about to play. Most of his stuff is original and I gotta say the songs were fun for the babies and the grown ups as he acted like pirates and shook the maracas he brought to play with. He also did some classics, including of course "Happy Birthday" and presented Eliana with his CD as her special gift. After baby music time, there was plenty of yummy food to eat at our sandwich bar and Rock Band gave the adults a chance to jam out too!

Special Touches- Photo timelines are getting really popular at first birthdays and as soon as I saw this cute idea, I knew I had to do it, so I hand-painted wooden clothespins in party colors with musical confetti to accent it and pinned up my favorite monthly photos on black & white along with her "Peas Out" newborn shot and of course her very first picture, as a recently thawed embryo. It was so cool to see how much she's grown in one line like that. I also snagged another cute idea I've seen done for 1st birthdays lately and had everyone fill out a card for her birthday time-capsule to be opened when she turns 18. Being a music party though, I added the twist of a song dedication for her to listen to when she turns 18. She had some really funny recommendations for that and I can't wait to see what she thinks of those songs when she turns 18. I ordered the super cute high chair banner on Etsy and then discovered that it wouldn't fit onto her high chair. I was bummed, but it still looked cute as part of the decor.

Party Favors- No party is complete with a little something to thank your guests for coming! We made VIP badges for all the babies as they arrived, personalized with their name & photo. This was one of my absolute favorite touches and all of the parents seemed excited about it too. We of course made one for Eliana as well, to put into her time capsule. I also put together favor bags for each baby with a toy maraca, tambourine and bubbles in a guitar shaped bottle all tied with ribbon and handmade favor tags that thanked Eliana's guests for rocking out with her.

The Dress- I wanted her to wear something a little special, she is the guest of honor after all, but I also wanted to keep it simple and comfortable. I found this adorable cotton and chiffon gray dress on clearance and ironed on the hot pink guitar patch. Pair it with some leggings and a bow to match and to match and you have one rocking birthday girl!

Cake Smash! She was so flabbergasted during the birthday song before we blew out her candle together. she loves to hear people sing, but she's never seen an entire room full of people singing the same song to her! Once she had her cake in front of her, it took her a bit to realize she could dig in and eat this this thing. We gave her hand by literally smashing her hand into it to get it started. then she wanted to share and feed bites to Mommy & Daddy. Once she saw that we like it she was ready for a few little nibbles. She loved poking the red and yellow buttons around the top and spent some time going round and round poking each one. Finally, she dug her hand in and got a good taste and then it was all smiles as she gobbled up her first real serving of sugar.

As with all good things, the party had to come to an end, but not before we created a lot of new and wonderful memories together. It was so amazing to celebrate the greatest year of our lives and to honor our precious daughter in such a fun way. I can't say that we'll go this big every year, but I am so glad we did it for this one.

Due For a Party

Is it just me or did March zoom by at warp speed? I guess that's how it goes when you're busy, busy, busy! Between travel, anniversary celebrations, party planning, and keeping up with increasingly mobile baby, busy is definitely what I have been. And since I am so behind I am dying to talk about mine and Chad's 5 year wedding anniversary and a zillion other exciting things that have happened the past few weeks, but none are more exciting than Eliana's 1st birthday celebration yesterday.

I debated for ages over whether or not to give into my craving for a great big first birthday party. I know it's over the top. My parents had my grandparents over for a home-cooked dinner and birthday cake with a couple of gifts when I turned one, because really what more do you need? I never gave it much thought really, but as this amazing first year of motherhood as gone on, I kept daydreaming about celebrating it in a really big way. It has been after all the absolute, hands-down best year of my life so it felt appropriate to celebrate the amazing little person that gave that gift. So I finally decided to go for it, and I am so glad I did.

Not only was the party a ton of fun for all three of us, it gave me a place to channel all of my energy and emotion about her upcoming first birthday. Each month on the 9th as Snow Pea reached a new monthly milestone, I have felt a bittersweet burst of emotion about how much she's grown and how amazing it is to be a part of it. I won't lie, both happy and sad tears are shed almost monthly as I realize that while a stage of her babyhood has passed, there is still a lifetime of love to look forward to. So if I get weepy just celebrating her monthly "birthday" you can only imagine how much pent up emotion I'm containing with her turning one just one week from today! Having my party to-do list this month has taken the edge off of the emotions of my baby growing into a toddler. I had so much fun planning, crafting and preparing every little detail and it did a lot to keep my mind in the present as well. Although it hasn't stopped me from reminiscing entirely.

I have been playing lots of "this time last year" remembering the excitement and anticipation of the last weeks of my pregnancy. In fact, this day last year, was my original due date and I remember talking to Snow Pea all day, telling her I love her and that I was ready when she was. She didn't come for another week, but April 2 is one of those dates that will always stick in my head. Of course, I can't play "this time last year" without expanding into "this time 2 years ago" and remembering all of the challenges we were facing wondering if parenthood would really ever happen for us. A friend recently helped me realize just how incredible it is that I am talking about the best year of my life, when the years directly preceding this one were without a doubt the most heartbreaking and most challenging. It really is incredible how much my world has changed and all of it for the better.

And nothing was better than than celebrating all of that joy, those bittersweet milestones, the amazing love that is my daughter at her "birthday palooza" yesterday. There was music, laughter, friends and plenty of cake. Eliana enjoyed every one of those things and I am just grateful to have experienced it with her. I know she won't remember any of it, but I certainly will and I look forward to sharing my memories with her. We are even putting together a first birthday time capsule to be opened when she turns 18, full of mementos of her party and her first year so that she can see just how special and precious she is.

I promise I have lots more pictures and fun stories to share from our incredible day, but unfortunately my laptop is outdated and is not letting me access the server properly so that I can post them (yes, we have a tiny computer network in our 1200 sq ft apartment and yes my husband is a total tech-head). I promise to have them up very, very soon! And in the meantime I am going to cuddle up my sweet girl, reminisce about those wonderful last belly kicks and enjoy this last week of my daughter's amazing first year.

11 Months In A Flash

My brain has been in full force party planning mode for Eliana's first birthday a lot lately, so I knew intellectually that she has been getting closer and closer to being a one-year old. But it still took me by surprise when she reached 11 months old a few days ago. Every other month, as fast as it went, I always knew it was coming at least a few days in advance and reminded myself to have her onesie sticker out and to be sure to get her weight and length at the Mommy-Baby clinic where we go to Mommy & Me classes. This month came out of nowhere though. I got used to her being ten months old as if she was just going to slow down and stay there for a while.

But instead she just keeps growing up. Something that is so amazing and rewarding to witness and be a part of that I will forgive her for leaving her oh so precious infant stage. Because each day she really is less and less an infant and more and more a toddler. Every day she learns something new or improves a skill. Seeing her discover or share these new things is just about the most exciting thing in the universe. She now has a vocabulary of about 17 signs and can not only perform the sign when we ask her how to say "monkey" but she can also open and close her hands to specifically ask for a book before bed. It is amazing to see that comprehension and to communicate about her world. I think the most amazing of signing moment of the month happened when we were feeding ducks for the first time at the park. I showed her the sign for duck, which she was excited to repeat and then told her to say hi to the ducks. She then proceeded to look at each individual duck, wave to it and then sign the word "duck". She was literally saying "hi, duck!" I was and still am amazed.

And it doesn't stop at sign communication. I am officially calling her first words this month. Yes, she has been babbling for a while and making all of the requisite "muh muh muhs" and da da das" but it hasn't seemed like she truly had these sounds tied to anyone or anything specific. She hasn't really said them in a way that seemed intended to communicate. But then came a new game that she couldn't help but cheer for. I was teaching her to put her colored balls "into" the toy they come with. She had loved taking things out for a while but hadn't discovered the opposite action yet. She paid close attention to my instruction and guidance and then finally when I asked if she could put the green ball into the bucket she did it completely unassisted. She was so proud that she immediately burst into applause and yelled "Yay!" Not as a repetition or random sound but as the word itself, on her own, unprompted and to let me know she was happy. And she has kept saying it as well as noises for milk, Mommy, Daddy, hi, bye, and all done. She never stops amazing me though and I have a feeling she is trying to say more words that we just aren't catching on to yet.

She is also becoming much more mobile and as her tenth month came to an end she learned to sit herself up from laying on her back or tummy and it has become a favorite new skill to use, especially when she should be sleeping but would rather not. And sitting alone usually isn't exciting enough. Whenever possible she pulls herself up onto her knees and puts a foot out like she's trying to figure out how to get to her feet. She hasn't gotten farther than that yet, but her new found abilities have nevertheless finally forced us to lower her crib. Yes believe it or not, it was on the newborn height until the day she reached 11 months. Mobility has just never been her greatest interest but now with these new skills and her always improving inchworm crawl, the days of having my baby stay in one place are gone forever. The inchworm crawl is crazy adorable by the way. She doesn't get her knees under her but she still gets to where she wants to go by slithering and shimmying through the room, and she gets there pretty fast.

And that's the theme of this month, of this whole year really: fast. My Snow Pea is growing up so fast! This time last year Chad and I were anxiously wondering when our baby girl would make her debut, wondering what she would look like, whose eyes she'd have, what would make her smile, how her laugh would sound. The past eleven months have been an amazing journey of discovering all of those answers and getting to know her personality is so much fun that I am almost ready to accept that that she really is a toddler and not a baby. But with only one month left until she is officially a year old, I am not quite ready yet. So I am going to take each day slowly and savor every second I have with her as my sweet baby.

Wordless Wednesday: You're Invited

It's official, I have mailed the invitations for Snow Pea's 1st birthday party. How is my baby already turning one?!?

Somewhat Wordless Wednesday: Party Planner

Planning for Snow Pea's 1st birthday is officially underway! Eek!

Double Digits Make Me Sappy

To My Precious Ellie Belly,

I can't believe that you're 10 months old already and the 1st anniversary of your birth is so quickly approaching. In so many ways it feels like only a moment ago that your daddy and I were still clinging to hope and each other in the midst of the pain and challenges in our journey to become parents. That time in my life is always still right there, reminding me of just how amazing and blessed my life is now that you're in it. As real as the pain of life before you will always be, the reality of life with you is something I can't imagine I ever existed without.

It's only been 10 months but you have grown and changed so much since you were born and I am already so proud of the person you are. You are so sweet and loving, always happy to share a smile with a stranger or giggle with a new friend, and you seem to make new friends everywhere you go. I've never seen such a happy, friendly baby. The world really is your play place and your squeals of excitement are music to me.

And speaking of music, you are quite the music lover and have been since day one. You dance and bounce to any rhythm you hear, finding music in the everyday sounds of crinkling paper or a trash can being dragged over a bumpy walkway. And the more you learn to do with your voice, the more I've heard you sing. In your crib after a nap, in your car seat running errands or anytime you're in need of entertainment, you love nothing more than to sing to yourself and even when I can't see you, I can hear the smile in your voice.

Of course, being the vocal baby you are, happiness isn't the only reason you like to raise your voice. Yes, you may scream to get what you want but you know what you want and you are very quickly learning to sign to get your way. I love seeing your face light up with excitement and pride when you perform the sign for "more" and realize that a fresh serving of kiwi is front of you.

You're also developing a love of books and reading that I am quite proud of and hope stays with you for life. You will drop everything to sit in my lap for ages when you hear or see the word "book". You are a great page turner and flap lifter. Your favorite book is still "Goodnight Moon" and you demand the switch to that one if I read anything else at bedtime. You know it so well that when playing with a copy, a friend caught you turning the upside down book right side up before flipping through the pages all on your own.

Each day brings new challenges, new joys and even more love than the day before. Not long ago someone said they would never do what I did to become a parent, that they would never go through the challenges and rigors of IVF in order to have a child. I fully respect that opinion and I know that the path your dad and I chose is not for everyone, but I would do it again and again if it means I get to be your mom. You are my miracle and these past 10 months have been the happiest of my life. Although I am in no hurry for you to grow up, I look forward to enjoying each new day, month and year of life with you. I love you, Snow Pea.

Love, Mommy

Just The Beginning

Happy 2012! I can't believe it's a new year already, and not only that but almost 2 weeks into the year! Just a couple of days ago, Snow Pea reached 9 months. And what a month full of excitement this past one was! She got her first two teeth and while I am sad to say goodbye to her gummy, toothless smile, I love the joy on her face as she munches on new finger foods. She learned to play "So Big!" and will frequently start raising her arms and giggling, patiently waiting for me to fill in the words. She also started blowing kisses and loves the sound of her own voice saying "muah, muah, muah". As for me, I am cherishing every single second and marveling that she has already been out almost as long as she was in. The 9 months of pregnancy feel more and more like a dream that I only believe happened sometimes because I have the pictures and the baby that were created in those 41 weeks. These past 9 months raising Snow Pea on the other hand, feel simultaneously as if they've flown by and as if they have no beginning, like life without her never really existed in the first place.

On the night before she officially turned 9 months, I was thinking about these things, about how much she has grown and changed in this time and about how much I grew and changed during the 9 months before she was born. And then I thought about the 3 years before that, the three years full of hurt and tears, charts and pee sticks, wands and needles, pain and hope. And in that moment a huge realization crashed over me: Snow Pea was about to be 9 months old and soon she will have been alive longer than she was growing in my tummy. But even bigger than that, one day, not today but one day God willing, she will be alive longer than the time we spent getting her here. One day I will be a mother for more time than I spent trying to be one. Even typing it now blows me away.

For some, this may not seem terribly exciting or emotional or noteworthy, but for me it's all of those things. It's the realization that while I will always be infertile and will never have a child without either the assistance of a medical team or the process of an adoption, I have nonetheless survived infertility. It's the realization that although the struggle of infertility nearly consumed three years of my life and has left wounds that will never fully heal, scars that will never disappear, my life is now consumed instead by my amazing daughter and one day soon that time will far surpass the time that came before it. Despite the pain that felt like it might strangle me at times, despite the moments that shook my hope & faith, despite the things I lost and will never get back, I survived. And although I am not exactly the same person I was before going in, I am happy with who I have become. Those three years are some of the biggest in my life and they will forever have an effect on me, but now I have also experienced 9 months of motherhood that have already changed me and effected even more.

8 Month Attitude

December 15 and my 1st post all month? Not to mention 6 days after the actual event I am blogging about. Wow, I think this is my worst case of blog procrastination yet! In my defense though I also haven't been brushing my hair or wearing make-up quite as often these days. You see I am now the mother of an 8 month old. And what I didn't fully realize, is that a baby this age is almost nothing like the one that came before it.

When you're embarking on parenthood you brace yourself for all the typical new baby stuff everyone is obsessed with warning you about: sleepless nights, spit up, colic, and I felt ready. I knew what to expect and I lucked out with a baby that slept relatively well, didn't scream or cry too often and virtually never regurgitated her meals. And as she grew she just got more fun, more sweet. My absolute favorite thing in the world has been her covering my cheek in slobbery kisses right before she goes to bed and sleeps for an uninterrupted 12 hours. Or at least it used to be. Because that is not my baby anymore. Now she has attitude, and plenty of it!

I have always been a teeny bit anxious about what parenting will be like as my kids grow up. There are so many obstacles to face and guide them through. Raising kids isn't easy and there are bound to be moments when my kids don't like me, when they don't want to give me a kiss goodbye or eat the dinner I spent all night making them. I knew it would come one day but I had years until I really had to worry about that, right? WRONG. The only thing my once sweet, happy baby seems to have done for the past week is whine, scream and yell.

Now that she is 8 months old and more aware of the world around and all that it has to offer, she is constantly bored. The things that used to make her laugh for an hour, are now old news after 2 minutes. I used to get a ok amount of items crossed off my to-do list each day, but now I feel like a circus performer frantically attempting to entertain my daughter before she has yet another nuclear meltdown. And boredom isn't the only thing that invokes her wrath. If she's hungry, she will yell and whine until food is produced and if it's not food she likes, she doesn't stop at spitting it out, she screams and blows 'raspberries', spraying the broccoli and carrots I spent an afternoon steaming and pureeing for her all over my face. She does have exceptionally good fine motor skills which she has further honed by eating cheerios, picking them up one at a time with her fingers. But you can't give her one unless you're prepared to give her an entire box, because if they're gone, it's DEFCON 1 and screams are imminent.

And it's not just daytime that's reserved for hysterical screaming. Oh no, now 2am has become a popular time for all-out, scream at the top you lungs cry-fests. The night before last our entire household probably slept 3 hours in between all the tears. I got better night's sleep when she was just a few weeks old and waking to nurse all night. At least then she could eat and drift back off for another solid 3 hours until it was time to eat again. She hasn't been nursing in the middle of the night for a while now, but it's not surprising that she's suddenly waking up hungry again, considering she sprays more of her dinner on to my shirt than ever makes it into her mouth the past few days.

Before you ask, yes we have thought about teething. We're keeping an eye on her gums and I think that it does have some part to play since she has yet to sprout any teeth, but it doesn't seem to be the only reason for her personality changes. Some of it, I think, is just her growing up. And that is so much more difficult for me than being able to blame it on teeth. I'm just not ready for this! She gets annoyed at me now. My sweet, easygoing baby gets mad and whines if she doesn't get her way. And most heartbreaking of all, she stopped giving me kisses. She used to get so excited to plant her mouth on my cheek, she'd smile and giggle and reach for my face over and over again. Now she not only refuses to give me even a single non-smiley kiss, she shrieks and turns her head if my face gets too near hers. It's killing me! I thought this wasn't supposed to happen until they were older and didn't want to look un-cool in front of their friends. It takes all of my strength not to take it personally and cry when I ask for a kiss and she growls and pushes me away. I know it's part of her development and that these things will ebb and flow, but still, it stings.

To be fair, attitude, opinions and independence aren't the only milestones she's achieving at 8 months. She has also mastered the art of clapping! When she started waving just before turning 7 months, I predicted that clapping would soon follow and sure enough it did! Her first real clap was during the 20 minute snippet of The Muppet Movie she saw with us. She was absolutely enthralled by it dancing and bouncing in my lap and then all of the sudden clapping out loud to express her joy. Now she does it to show her appreciation for good book, a nice rendition of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" or the hilarity that is Mommy putting anything on her head that shouldn't be there (Silly Mommy! Blocks don't go on your head but I applaud the effort you're making to keep me entertained.) It isn't kisses but it is incredibly cute and I have to admit love the sound of her tiny hands smacking together. It is one of my greatest joys lately.

And speaking of greatest joys, even at her whiniest, Eliana is still mine. Earlier this week, Chad and I were out to dinner with his colleagues. They were nice enough to move the reservation early in the evening so that we could bring the baby before her bedtime. Eating out with an 8 month old is no easy feat. As we took her turns trying to feed her, change her diaper in tiny bathroom stalls and digging through her diaper bag for any object that might somehow appease her for more than a second, I thought to myself how much easier this dinner would be if it were just me and Chad and how happier I am eating cold food so that I can take care of my amazing daughter than I ever could have dreamed. Yes, I get annoyed at her screams but my very next thought is always how incredibly grateful I am to be hearing them. After years of hearing people complain about their cranky babies and thinking to myself how incredibly thrilled I'd be to have a cranky baby of my own, I'm lucky enough to finally be proving myself right. I seriously love her more than I could ever express. And it doesn't make sense considering everything I just said but I love her crankiness too. I love that it gives me an opportunity to get to know new parts of her personality, I love that mid-cry, I can still trick her into a smile if I time my peekaboo just right. At least once a day I get overwhelmed with love and have to scoop her up and smother her in hugs and cuddles, telling I love her over and over again and lately it's when she's in a whiny mood that my love comes gushing out. She doesn't want to kiss me, that's ok. It breaks my heart a little but it's ok, because she can't stop me from kissing her double to make up for it!

Waving Hello to 7 Months!

My Sweet Snow Pea, a few days ago you turned 7 months old and you enthusiastically waved the new month in! This past month you grew and learned so much but by far your most adorable new skill is waving! And it's not just any wave, you slowly roll your wrist side to side like the Queen of England in a parade. It is priceless!

It started while we were in Orlando visiting many of your friends and family, your first trip to Mommy and Daddy's "home". You were so cute waving as you first laid eyes on many special people who had been waiting anxiously to meet you for so long. No wave was more precious though then when you said goodnight to your Great-Grandparents (mommy's Grammy & Grampy) after meeting them. They were so in awe of your chubby cheeks and happy smile and you were equally fascinated by them. You sat in their laps curiously watching their faces and soaking in their voices until your eyes got heavy and as Daddy walked you back to your room, you smiled only for them and waved at them all the way down the hall. It is a moment you may be too young to recall, but it is one I will cherish for many years to come.

It took me a while to figure out where this wave came from. It is after all, a little bit early for you to be doing such a thing and I can't remember many times in your short life that you have had people waving to you. But as we were smiling and waving at the baby in the mirror the next day, it clicked. I taught you to wave! Me! Not intentionally but I taught you just the same. You have a mirrored closet in your room and since you were born, I have held you in front of it at some point in the day and we waved "Hi" to the mirror baby. Like all babies, you have been awed by your reflection but I never realized you were watching me too! Of course, I know you are and that you learn from me and Daddy everyday but this was the first real, big thing that I know for sure that I taught you. It is an incredible feeling to say the least, second to the heart melting feeling of actually watching wave hello to the world.

Your 6th month held lots of other fun milestones. You started really eating solids and wow do you eat! You are definitely not a picky eater and happily gobble up just about any food and any texture Mommy makes for you, which is great since I blend it myself and it's not always super smooth. And you started sitting up unsupported overnight, and now it's like you could always do it. And you have finally decided it is worth the effort to regularly roll over from back to tummy. You could do it earlier, you just didn't seem to want to until now.

But nothing is as amazing as that wave. And the undeniable fact that I taught it to you has a big impact on me. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I forget that I am your mom. Not that I literally forget and stop acting like your mom- loving you and taking care of you, just that there are moments when I am so busy doing and then I get a moment to let it all hit me and I am overwhelmed by the amazing awareness that I am your mother. I, along with your Daddy, am your number one teacher and influence in life. Every single thing I do matters to you and will influence the person you become. If I teach you to tie your shoes using bunny ears instead of the around the loop method, that's probably how you'll do it your entire life. If I get frustrated or annoyed in traffic you will learn that impatience. If your Daddy and I show our love to you and each other every day, you will develop similar relationships as you grow up. And if I wave hello every time we see a smiling face in the mirror, you will mirror me and wave hello too. As we wave hello to your 7 month milestones, I am also happily waving in the awareness that I am not just a lucky mom with a baby to love, I am also a grateful parent with a child to raise. And you have no idea how just how amazingly, wonderful that is.

A Very Merry Half Birthday!

Half a year old! My Snow Pea has been here half a year already! I can't believe how quickly 6 months has gone but at the same time, when I think about how long 6 months is I can't believe that's all it's been, because it honestly feels like she has always been here.

This past month has been an exciting one. Eliana went on her second plane trip and her first excursion out of the U.S. when we went for a long weekend to Washington State and Vancouver. It was also the first trip that was just the three of us and I gotta say, I could used to that! I don't know how we wound up with such an easy-going baby but she did great!She kept her sleeping and feeding routine while we were on the go and even slept in her car seat so we could go to dinner every night. And of course she was little miss social as usual on the plane, making friends with all of the older couples around us who continually warned that before we knew we'd be on a plane to visit her at college just like them. I promised them and myself that I will never take a single moment for granted because if these 6 months are any indication, I know it's going to fly by.

As easy-going as she was during our travels though, I know it's all going to change the next time around since Snow Pea is now officially eating solids! She had her first ever non-liquid meal about a week before she turned 6 months. I had debated on making my own rice cereals, but in the end opted for store bought brown rice cereal because it is not only convenient, but also iron fortified and I know she needs the extra boost at this age. I have heard that a lot of babies don't care for rice cereal, but not my little one! She scarfed it down while kicking and smiling with excitement.

For most of the month, she had been sitting with us in her highchair during dinner time playing with a cup, spoon and rattle I had given her, so when I introduced a spoon with food on it her first impulse was to grab for it. But once realized it had food on it, she promptly stopped reaching and has since been demanding food anytime she is in her chair by kicking and babbling excitedly. What can I say? My girl loves to eat! After rice cereal, I introduced her to bananas and avocado, both of which I made myself using a cheap food processor I got on clearance for $7. So far I love making her food and can't wait to introduce her to more new things, especially since she enjoys it so much!

With new food though comes new tummy behaviors. At her 6 month check-up she measured 26.5 inches and weighed in at 18 pounds 12 ounces! My doctor had a teeny hint of concern in her voice when comparing this weight to her 4 month weigh in, but since she has always been in the 90-95th percentile she wasn't too concerned. And when I told her that Ellie Belly hadn't emptied her belly in almost a week, she laughed and said she would probably be a bit lighter after she finally pooped! Then of course came the tough part- shots. These were harder on me than the last two times because she was so much more aware of what was happening and it killed me to see her hurting like that. After the first one she calmed down right away when I leaned in to comfort her but then came two more and then it took lots of cuddles to make her feel better. She kept turning to make pouty faces at the nurse, letting her know she wasn't happy with what she had just done to her. It would've made me giggle if I hadn't been so busy kissing her squishy cheeks.

So now that she has passed the 6 month mark, I feel like Eliana is officially over the baby hill. I worked with children for years, and I know from experience that all of the really big changes usually happen in the second half of the first year: teething, talking and mobility! Of course I want her to accomplish these things, but there is something to be said for being able to put her on her play mat to play with out worrying where she'll go if I need to run to the bathroom. As excited as I am for that first tooth, those first words and seeing my baby crawl and toddle, I know that's once it's here I will never get this precious time back, so I am keeping that promise I made on the plane and savoring every single toothless smile and movement- free moment.

Let's Do Lunch

Eliana's half birthday is fast approaching. In a couple of weeks she will be 6 months old and it will be time for my Snow Pea to begin actually eating peas! That's right it's almost solid food time! I had debated when to start solid foods for a while and after consulting my pediatrician and a few wise mommies, I chose to continue exclusive breastfeeding as long as I could. I have really just gotten the hang of the routine we're in now, so it made sense to keep it going as long as possible before adding a new element. But now that routine is about to change and really I know she's ready. She has been sitting in her high chair with us during dinner and everyday she sits up a bit better and gets a little more interested in watching us eat. Her eyes get so big as she stares at the forks and spoons in our hands and I just know she is going to love experiencing the new tastes and feelings of her first foods.

So with this big event coming up so quickly I have more decisions to make. What should her first food be? The conventional choice seems to be rice cereal, especially for babies that begin foods at 4 months since it is easy on little tummies and virtually no one is allergic to it, but since we are starting a little later we do have the option to start with almost any stage one food. If you have little eaters in your house, what food did you start with? I have some brown rice cereal ready to go and am leaning toward staying with the status quo and starting there, but I am so excited to see how she reacts to carrots and bananas and I get tempted to skip straight ahead to a fruit or veggie.

What food to give her is not the only decision I have been mulling over lately. I have also been contemplating it's preparation, specifically whether to buy or make my own baby food. Having worked with other people's children as a nanny for many years while I was in college, I have plenty of experience with those little jars of strained beans and pureed peaches and I have always just kind of assumed they would line my pantry when it came time for me to feed a child of my own. But now that she is here the idea of smashing her food myself has become really appealing to me. Not only will I know exactly what she is eating and that it is free from any crazy additives, the more I learn about it the more making baby food myself seems easy and fun!

Since I am not really much of a chef and I don't already own one, I ran out and bought a small, cheap food processor so that I'm ready to cream and puree. I don't know how good of a job my clearance appliance will do, but I figure it will give me taste of what it's like and I can always buy a better one later. Even better than buying one though would be winning one! And even better than winning a food processor would be winning an entire baby food system complete with food storage. Lee Ann at "The Life Of Rylie and Bryce Too!" is giving away a Baby Bullet system. I have watched the infomercial a few dozen times as well as some real life youtube demonstrations, and I gotta say, it is a really cool system not to adorable with that baby friendly smiley face on everything. I know I don't need to have an appliance with "baby" in the name, but I would still love to have this one! If you want to learn more about it and the giveaway you can find Lee Ann's post here. Does anyone out there have any experience with the Baby Bullet? What do you think?

So now the countdown is on. I have spoons, bowls & bibs ready to go, baby food recipe websites bookmarked and am on the hunt for freezer trays to store my creations. If you have any advice or words of wisdom for me before we get started, please feel free to share! Any recommendations on processors or storage systems are also very appreciated. And if you know anything about those hand held netting feeders please share that as well. When is a good time to introduce those and what is a good food to use with them? I have always assumed bananas were the best start with those but again, any advice is welcome! I am a little sad that my tiny little baby has grown up so much and will be eating real food soon, it is a big milestone and a big reminder that she won't be a baby forever. But I am also very excited to witness and take part in this exciting new stage. I can't wait to see her face covered in smiles and applesauce.

Cause You've Got Personality

(Am I the only one singing the song from this post's title?)

It's hard to believe but yet another month since beloved Snow Pea was born has passed and she is now 5 months old! In just a few short weeks she will be half a year old! I can't believe how time has flown!

So much has happened in Eliana's 5th month of life. She traveled on a plane and a boat for the first time, learned to blow raspberries, began babbling in consonant noises, discovered her feet and met lots of new baby friends. She even had her first "date" with fellow miracle baby, Jackson, son of fellow blogger, Amy at Miracle Made. But perhaps the most exciting thing of all of these milestones is simply seeing her personality emerge. With each new event and discovery a little more of who she is comes out and I can't even begin to tell you what an amazing joy that is.

She loves to entertain herself on her play mat- first laying on her tummy and manipulating a toy until she decides she would rather be on her back, which is when she pushes herself over with one arm and continues about what she was doing as if nothing exciting took place. I often try to quietly spy on her while she babbles all of those cute "buh, buh, buh's" to her toy rings and sings little squeals to the giraffe dangling above her head. She will play alone like this for a while, but once she realizes Chad or I are there watching her, she smiles and squeals with delight at our presence. And then once she knows we're there she demands our attention, yelling more directly "hey! come play with me" and rewarding us with tons of giggles when we send a smile or goofy face her way.

And the raspberries! Oh those adorable spitty noises that she loves to make! Se has been fascinated by the motion and sound of them since birth and finally one day she puckered her lips and did it herself! It was so exciting. At first, she just did them while playing. I could actually see the learning process as she attempted them over an over, learning just what she needed to do to make that silly noise. Then she did it for attention and entertainment. She knew we'd oooh and ah so she played with us and we all shared smiles. Now it has become a noise that demands attention and she will often fuss and yell between pttbbbllltthhh's. Which I can't help but smile at even though I know she's frustrated, because not only is it cute it's also really funny.

My favorite thing about watching her personality bloom this past month has been watching her interact with other people. She got to see her Aunt Pammy and Grammy for the first time since was a newborn and meet her Pop-Pop for the first time and it was amazing to watch her smile and giggle and delight at their faces and the new songs, stories and rhymes they shared with her. She also loves to interact with other babies. I know that technically at this age, babies just play "next" to each other, but she really is fascinated with them and anytime one is near she reaches out to touch her new friend and begins babbling to them.

Faces are probably her favorite thing in the world right now. Ever since she could focus on them, she loved to watch faces of people she knew and people she didn't. She stared fascinated at strangers in the store and smiled with her whole body when they made eye contact back. Now that she is gaining motor skills, she has decided that looking isn't enough and she wants to touch the face of every person she interacts with. It's like she wants to figure out how that particular noise or facial expression works as she reaches out to feel her daddy's cheek or another baby's nose, always with a thoughtful smile on her face. She hasn't taken to reaching out to strangers though, she still gives them huge happy smiles, but the touching so far has been reserved for family she has had a chance to warm up to. People that she watches me and Chad interact with before deciding she can trust them as much as we do. Unless of course the strangers are other babies, then all bets are off as she dives right in, determined to see and feel every other little person in her reach.

After 5 months of getting to know this precious little girl, I really feel like this past month has given me such a big glimpse into what her personality will be like in the months and years to come. Watching her learn to hold her head up and roll over in the early months was exciting but now seeing this sweet, happy personality of hers come alive I can imagine even more clearly how incredibly amazing the rest of my life is going to be now that she is in it.

Looking Both Ways

4 months! My baby girl is 4 months old today. I know I have said it before but I will say it again, I am just in awe of her very existence and I can't believe how fortunate I am to have her in my life. All day I couldn't help but think about where I was and where she was, one year ago today.

As many of you know, my pregnancy with Snow Pea was the result of a frozen embryo transfer that took place after the miscarriage of my first pregnancy with Sprout from a fresh cycle of IVF. During that pregnancy I rode an emotional roller coaster of beta tests followed by a round of ultrasounds that revealed no heartbeat. It was devastating and heartbreaking. Which is why I didn't exactly shout from the rooftops when I learned I was pregnant the second time. I was hopeful and still very happy of course, but I was also very cautious. In the weeks following my BFP, I went in for the normal beta tests, which were much less rocky and emotional than the previous tests, but still neither Chad or I allowed ourselves to fall in love with this pregnancy as we did with the first one. We didn't coin a nickname or do anything else that make us feel "too attached".

I barely even remember those early days in the pregnancy. I remember the phone call telling me I was pregnant and the initial joy I felt, but all of the betas and phone calls after that have faded. It wasn't until the 1st ultrasound, one year ago today, that my pregnancy really felt real. I remember that day vividly and always will. It was the day we saw our sweet baby's heartbeat for the very first time and we knew she was there, really there, living and growing. It was the day our frozen blastie officially became our "Snow Pea". I will never forget Chad's insistence that he would still feel disconnected from the pregnancy even if the u/s went well and his quick retraction as we held each other in the parking lot crying tears of joy. Of course I could reminiscence all day about the amazing moment I first saw my daughter's flickering heartbeat, but I have more to get to so if you want to read the original post from last year, you can find it here.

Today it has been precisely one year since I saw that gorgeous flicker on the ultrasound screen. On that day she was the size of a lentil bean, barely visible but for the flash of white that was her heartbeat. Now it has been exactly 4 months since she was born and Eliana is far from a lentil bean, weighing in at 15lbs 6oz and measuring 24.75 inches, she's my cuddly baby girl. And size isn't the only growth she's done this month. She has also been mastering her grabbing and holding skills and has gotten very good at picking things up as well as transferring them between hands. She can stay on her tummy much longer now too, holding up her head and chest and has even rolled from tummy to back a few times!

She is discovering new sounds she can make and she likes to make them often. She coos, she squeals, she shrieks and she screams almost only when she is happy but occasionally when she's not. And she laughs! Oh those baby giggles are one of the sweetest sounds I have ever heard, right on par with the sound of her miraculous in utero heartbeat. Chad and I love to make total fools out of ourselves for her amusement with silly faces and goofy noises. We will do just about anything to hear Ellie Bellie's delighted laughter. At four months she is accomplishing so much and is on the brink of so many more new things. Soon she will be eating new foods, babbling new baby noises and as I watch her squirm and inch toward toys while she's on her tummy, I know she will also be moving even more in the month ahead. Today, I can't help but look at back and see how far she has come, from teeny frozen blastie to chubby giggling baby, and I also can't stop from looking forward and excitedly waiting for all of the amazing milestones to come!

Adventures in Babysitting

This past Saturday was a milestone day for not only Snow Pea, but for Chad and myself as well. After 3 months and 3 weeks of parenthood we left our daughter with someone other than one of us for the very first time. Up until this Saturday, I had had some alone time, as had Chad and we have had family dates, which have been nice. Eliana is an easy going baby for the most part and we have been able to take her with us to visit with friends, enjoy restaurant dinners and even see drive-in movies. But as great as that is (and it really is really great) Chad and I have not really been alone together at all since she was born.

For most first time parents, the first sitter is usually a family member. Grandparents or aunts and uncles are always begging for the chance for some baby alone time and offer to give mom and dad a break in the process. Unfortunately for us though, the closest family members either Chad or I have right now are 1500 miles away and most are even further away, so that hasn't been an option for us. Of course, both sets of parents and all of our siblings have come to visit, but we get such a short amount of time with them and we want to soak up every second we do get.

That's not to say no one wants to spend time with our precious girl for an hour or two, it's just a little harder to leave her for the first time with someone other than those immediate family members. It also doesn't help that the majority of those babysitting offers are for us to bring her to them, which is not only overwhelming for us with having to pack up all her stuff to drop her off, but also for her because she not only has to spend 3 hours with a new person, she is also forced into a whole new environment. I have been really nervous about how the first babysitter experience would affect both Eliana and me so even though I have been dying for some alone time with Chad, I've kept pushing it back.

But this past weekend it was finally time. A co-worker/friend of Chad's has been pleading to be surrogate grandma/babysitter since she found out we were TTC as she knows we don't have family here. She has been a supportive person in our lives and on our journey. As an IF & IVF survivor and an adoptive parent, she has provided us with a lot of guidance and support and is incredibly trustworthy. And now that her two kids are too grown up to be considered children anymore but not grown up enough yet to have their own children, she is dying to spoil our little one. So Saturday night we packed up the diaper bag, rolled up the play mat and headed out the door.

We are both huge Harry Potter fans and have read the books multiple times. The movies aren't quite as big of a deal to either of us but that doesn't mean I didn't want to see the very last one in theaters if I could, and of course I wanted to see it with my favorite fellow fan. We researched the times, mapped out Eliana's routine for the day and made it to D's house just as she was waking up from a nap and in the best possible mood. Once we got there, we got her changed and fed and gave some simple instructions on what to expect over the next 3 hours, then set off for the theater.

My stomach was fluttering with nerves as we walked out. It felt so weird to be in the car without her. You know that feeling when something that should be with you isn't and you feel naked? Well this was like that except I felt more like I was missing an arm. I didn't cry or freak out about leaving her. But I missed her the second we were gone. We both did.

We still enjoyed the movie and our alone time though. We had popcorn, we sat through the previews and the credits (something I always do-yes, I'm odd) we laughed, we held hands, and enjoyed being on a real date. I did make Chad keep his phone out the entire movie and kept insisting he check it every so often, just in case, but no calls ever came and for the most part we relaxed and had fun. I am proud to say we didn't even panic and call as soon as the movie ended. Chad checked in by text then we sat down to talk over a quick dinner and some coffee. It was a lot like our pre-baby date nights. Except that it didn't feel anything like it did pre-baby because although we were having fun, we were both excited to get back to our little girl.

As we walked up to the house we could hear everyone inside chatting happily and we smiled as it seemed that things had gone well. But the instant she saw our faces, Eliana lost it. She was crying hysterically, and it was not a cry we had ever heard before. It was not "I'm hungry" "I'm bored" or her personal favorite "I'm tired". This cry was an emotional one. She missed us. She was sad that we were gone. It broke my heart to hear her sob like that I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her close the whole way home. Of course common sense and car seat laws kept me from doing that, but I sat in the backseat with her the whole ride home as she hugged tightly onto my hand refused to let go, even as she drifted off into a fitful sleep. Once we got her home and into her comfort zone, we could visibly see the relief and contentment on her face as we cuddled her. She relaxed right back into her familiar surroundings and smiled and cooed at us a few times before getting a good night's sleep.

D said Eliana did pretty well while we were gone that night. She played, had a bottle and enjoyed all the attention she was getting, but she did have a hard time napping, I think largely because she was in a new environment. I felt so guilty seeing my poor girl so tired and emotional. So Chad and I have agreed that the next time we have anyone babysit, we will try to have it be at our house, that way even though the faces will be new at least the rest of her world will be the same. And even though I am still a little nervous, we are going for it again this weekend!

Two good friends of ours, a married couple that doesn't have kids yet, offered to come to our place to spend time with Snow Pea while we go out. So thanks to their kindness and generosity, we are trying again, this time to see Bill Cosby perform at the county fair. I am both nervous and excited. Since they are coming here I feel like I will better be able to prepare them and keep Snow Pea in her routine, not to mention I think I will be better able to prepare myself and calm my nerves. And if the nerves do happen to creep in while we're out, hopefully Bill can keep me laughing. Wish us luck!

My Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

I have about 4 blog drafts on various topics and events sitting waiting to be written and I have every hope that I will actually sit down and write out at least one of them this week, but right now I can't stop staring at my sweet girl. And when I can't stare directly at her, I love to watch the millions of videos we've taken of her so far. Especially this latest one. She is discovering so many new things as she approaches the 4 month mark, the most heart melting of which is documented in this video.



I love watching her drift off into dreamland, and her new thumb discovery is not only cute, it's been a great help in getting her to sleep. She still wants her pacifier most nights when we lay her down, but now when it falls out she has discovered that her thumb makes a great substitute. That it's absolutely adorable entertainment for me is just a bonus. Every time I watch her sleep I can't help but wonder about the dreams that are filling her head. Whatever they are, I hope they are nothing but sweet.