Carrots & Closure

Some time ago, my 2 year old daughter threw an unexpected temper tantrum over dinner at Disneyland. This may not sound like an unexpected thing to you, after all this is a a 2 year old we are talking about, a 2 year old being forced to interact with actual food at the happiest, tantrum capital on Earth. So you're right, the fit itself was absolutely to be expected, it was the impact it had and what it taught me that was so surprising. 

It all started with a carrot. Snow Pea was dining on peas and baby carrots quite happily during dinner, carefully chewing each bite in hopes of scoring dessert at the end of her meal. Then, just as she was opening her mouth and about to tip the last carrot in, it fell to floor. She lost it. Completely melted down. "My carrot! I need my carrot!" Doing what any well-meaning but absent minded parent would do, I explained that the carrot was gone but it would be ok. Look! You can have dessert now! You didn't finish the last carrot but you get chocolate pie! But she didn't want chocolate pie. She only wanted that carrot. That last bite she was so ready for, but that had been taken away by an unfortunate combination of gravity and unrefined motor skills, was all that mattered. It was the first time I saw my daughter truly sob. Big, fat tears rolled down her face as she bawled, "my carrot! my carrot!"

I did not know what to do. I kept trying to comfort her, calm her down, but nothing helped. Until finally, I picked up the poor, lost carrot and let her hold it in her hand. I explained that she couldn't eat it and she just looked at it, took a big sigh and then put it on her plate. She stopped crying and asked quietly for a bite of the pie. And then I realized, it wasn't the carrot itself she needed, it was closure! My 2 year old reminded me, in what may seem like the silliest way, just how crucial of a need that is to all of us when our heart is set on something that we no longer get to have. 

Since our third failed FET at the end of last year, I have struggled with my emotions and the unrest at not being able to decide what our next move will be. Chad and I had originally agreed that if December failed, that we would be done with trying and just live as a family of 3. But when I met with my RE we discovered that I had a uterine polyp that was a very likely culprit for the previous failures. After that I was very quickly scheduled for surgery to remove it and have my also potentially damaging tubes removed. 

That was in January and my brain has been a yo-yo ever since. To cycle again or not? To be focus solely on my one, wonderful child or to do this just one more time? That last failure left me feeling so broken, so defeated, I really haven't wanted to go through it again. But then there was the surgery and with it that possibility that my body actually is capable of doing this again. I have gone back and forth a million times. More than anything, I want to be done with this phase of my life. I want to be out of the limbo that infertility creates and move forward to something else, whether that is with one child in my arms or two. But what I learned from the carrot is that I need closure to do that. And I know deep down that with the surgery success and embryos still in the freezer, that closure will never come unless I take the plunge again. I will always wonder "what if?" and I can't truly move forward with that in my head & heart. I have no doubt that I will be crushed if this still doesn't work. I will cry, I will hurt, I will mourn but I will find peace knowing that I can allow myself to let go. I can pick up that carrot that is my dysfunctional body, heave a big sigh and grab a bite of chocolate pie instead.

Two Years of Love & Laughter

To my precious Snow Pea on her 2nd Birthday: 

I can't believe that we just celebrated your 2nd birthday. It seems like such a short time ago that you came into my life and made it brighter with your laugh. You have grown so much and developed so many wonderful new abilities in these two years, but it is your ability to laugh easily, effortlessly and with sheer joy that is the most heart-warming, infectious and beautiful. Not a single day has passed this year in which I have not had the honor and privilege of hearing the music of your laughter. Even on those days you behave like a "terrible" toddler- tantruming, whining, pouting or crying uncontrollably for no other reason than you want to cry- you still find reasons to laugh, loudly and with utter abandon. 

In your second year of life you have become less of a baby and more of a child, and what a truly happy and loving child you are. You show concern when anyone around you expresses sadness or pain. You are always quick to ask if I am ok when I cough and to bless me when I sneeze. And once you are sure there is nothing serious to worry about, you are right back to laughing and doing your best to spread that laughter with a silly dance, a tickle fight or just a plain old squeal of delight. You do that squeal a lot actually, it's kind of your trademark, you're very well known for it. You don't even need a big reason- your friend is in the stroller next to yours, you successfully put your plate into the dishwasher, you are in the middle of singing a song you really like, Daddy is lying in the middle of the living room floor- any little happy moment is cause for BIG celebration. 

As you turn two, it is clear that you have many emerging talents and I know you will continue to acquire new skills, interests and abilities as you grow. I will be there to encourage that growth and help you develop your talents but it is your effortless ability to find daily joy, to laugh loudly and often, that I hope with all of my heart never changes as you age. I hope that each day continues to bring you reasons to laugh, to smile and to squeal with delight and if the day does not give them to you, I hope you continue to find them yourself as you do right now. 

There was a time that I feared I may have lost my ability to be joyful the way you are now. I was hurting and broken and I felt that I may have lost a part of me that I might never get back. In many ways, I think I was right. I have lost, I have changed. But thanks to you, your presence in my life, my life as your mommy, I have found parts of me that I thought were gone and even created some new ones too. The very thought of you is enough to bring a smile to my face and your daddy and I have yet to have a night pass after you're asleep when we don't recount the amazing, charming and hilarious things you said and did that day. You are our joy baby girl, just as the entire world is yours. Thank you for two incredible years of loving and laughing. I look forward to countless more giggles, squeals and smiles with you in the years to come. Happy Birthday. 

Love, Mommy

Break Dancing Has A Whole New Meaning

You can see the break on the left side of the Xray

I've done it. I have officially missed my first month blogging. I wanted to write, I did. I just didn't. I didn't do much this past month and a half really. Except turn 30 and in the process break my first bone. 

Let me explain. Since I was about 22, I had this crazy idea that when I turned 30 I would throw a outrageous 80s prom. Not a party with an 80s theme, but an actual prom that just so happens to take place in the 1980s. This year was that year, and after nearly a decade of talking and planning, I actually did it. I rented a hall, formed a prom committee to help me plan and decorate, hired a dj and enjoyed a magical night dancing under crepe paper steamers and foil stars. It truly was a fantastic party and everything came together perfectly. The only exception is, it was the one and only night I have ever tried to really dance in heels and now I am paying for it with a broken foot.

I have been completely non-weight bearing and on crutches for 4 weeks now and I have to tell you, it isn't fun. It's so hard not being able to walk down the block or drive myself anywhere or get myself a glass of water. But the truly depressing thing is not being able to take care of my precious Snow Pea. I can't pick her up, or sit on the floor to play with her, or chase her around the house. This is what I do. This is my life. I am a stay at home mom, if I can't care for my daughter what kind of life do I really have? I can't describe how heartbroken I was the first day I was on crutches and Eliana reached out her hand for me to hold as we walked and I had to tell her I couldn't do it. It was one of the most gut-wrenching moments of my life.

I am incredibly lucky to have a husband with a job that he is both good at and trusted to do from home so that he can be here to do all of the heavy lifting while I can't. I am very grateful to him for the insane amount of responsibility he has taken on since I have been forced to spend large parts of my day with my foot elevated. He has worked very hard to keep up with the laundry, the shopping, the cooking, cleaning and taking care of a hyper toddler while still attempting to do his own job and keep a roof over our heads. To say he is doing it all is an understatement. And while I appreciate all of this very much, it is also killing me. Not only does it drive me crazy when he does things in a different way or a different order than I would (and this true of almost everything) but it kills me that he is now the sun and the moon for Eliana, and I am just an orbiting satellite. As the working parent, my husband also gets to more often be the "fun" one, the one that comes home after a day apart and have new energy to play and laugh which leaves me as the at home parent to be the one she runs to most often when she needs something. But now that I can no longer give her the things she is asking for, and I can't play with her in the rough and tumble way a toddler thrives on, I feel more like an accessory than a real parent. 

One thing I have learned in the past 20 months I have been a parent is that time flies and each new stage of her development is only new for a few weeks before the next new stage begins. Being completely unable to stand on my own two feet, I feel like I am missing so much of the fun and joy of this time with her. This is time I will never be able to get back. Once she goes to the next phase, this one will be just a memory and I'm afraid I am only getting to experience it from the fringes. Just this afternoon, it was decided that a trip to the grocery store would be more efficient if I stayed home and kept my foot up so Eliana and Chad are out doing the errands she and I normally do together while I stay here with my laptop. I hate feeling like I am missing out on my daily life but all three of us are learning to cope.

Right before Christmas, we rented a wheelchair so that I could participate in our annual tradition of strolling along  our neighborhood's "Candy Cane Lane" and enjoying the lights. Since I was on wheels, my lap became Eliana's seat and we cuddled together while she pointed out sparkly lights and cutout snowmen. We've also successfully navigated a couple of trips to Disney this way which has been a joy. Eliana and I have even figured out a way to hold hands while I'm on crutches by me extending my index finger for her to grip on to. It's not perfect but it has definitely made me appreciate these little moments. I'm not sure how I feel about my daughter being the only kid her age that knows how to say "crutches" or that anytime she hears someone say "ouch" she responds with "foot! Mommy's foot!" but I do love that she came to me the other day and gently patted my broken foot and gave it an "all better" kiss. I'm so worried about missing time with her and sweet girl that she is, she's just concerned about me feeling all better. 

I think the greatest benefit I've gotten from breaking my foot, is my new found appreciation for having complete mobility. I never realized just how much I took it for granted, how much we all do, until I lost some of it. I am definitely counting myself lucky that my condition is a temporary one. I still have a hard time being forced to take a back seat in my own life. I actually look forward to the day I can carry laundry up and down the stairs or go to the grocery store and buy ingredients for the week's meals. I especially look forward to the day I can run, jump, play and dance with my precious little girl again. Until then, I am doing my best to cherish the quiet moments- cuddling her on my lap as I read a book, having her bring me cup after cup of pretend tea and singing her favorite songs with her as she shows off her dance moves. I just hope she's a little less clumsy than her mother and that her dance moves never have the same results mine did. ;)

What I'm Thankful For

The holiday season is upon once again and again I have so very much to be thankful for. Really just so much and of course the top of a list that includes incredible friends, loving family, an amazing husband and the light of my life, my precious daughter. I can't even tell you how much my heart swelled last holiday season or many tears of joy and disbelief I shed at spending my first holidays as a mommy. There truly was nothing more wonderful or magical. 

This year, however, I have realized I have something completely unexpected to be thankful for. For the first time since infertility took over my life, I have begun to feel, well almost normal. I don't think I really understood just how much infertility influenced everything in my life until it didn't anymore. I mean there were the years of trying, temping, injecting, wanding and waiting that have dominated nearly all of my energy, both mental and physical. Then came the complex layers of joy & anxiety that came with finally getting pregnant. And finally the surreal and joyous experience of actually having my child here in the world. Yes, it's been challenging, anyone who says parenting isn't, is lying, but everyday has also been another chance for me to reiterate just how incredible it is to be here, to celebrate the things that most parents may not even notice, to express to the world just how grateful and blessed I feel. More and more each day though, I find myself just living each day as it comes without all of the fanfare. Yes, of course I still feel blessed and grateful but it is not necessarily my every waking thought and that it a good thing. 

Before infertility, I had interests, I had passions and thoughts that absolutely nothing to do with children or babies or motherhood. But once we began down the road to parenthood, it quickly became the only thing that existed in my life. For 3 years everything has been about being a mom. Trying to be one, hoping to be one, hurting when I wasn't, celebrating when I was. I almost completely forgot who I was. Lately however, I have been finding a lot more of me in my life. I have let myself spend time with friends without feeling guilty that I'm away from Snow Pea. I have taken two trips now without her and I have very much enjoyed the time away. I didn't even talk incessantly about her while I was gone. My husband and I haven't had enough time alone unfortunately, due to busy schedules, but when we do we have found ourselves interested in having conversations that don't revolve around parenting. We've talked about politics, life, friendship, daydreamed about future travel, all of those things that used to matter before the big IF. 

I am loving rediscovering myself and remembering all of those things that used to be me. I am especially excited to be that person again as my daughter grows up so that I can give her a well-rounded childhood. It's easy as a parent after IF for me to be too protective or too focused on how "miraculous" parenthood is but I know in the big picture that isn't fair to her. She shouldn't have me worrying her whole life or putting her on an impossible pedestal. That is just too much pressure and childhood is hard enough without having to live up to your parents' dreaminess about your existence. Of course, I want her to know how loved she is, how much she was wanted, how hard we fought but I never want her to think that means she isn't allowed to make mistakes or have bad days. She doesn't owe us anything. She gets to be a normal kid just like all of her friends. She doesn't need the burden of forever being a "miracle baby".  

So while I will most definitely be expressing my gratitude this holiday that IVF was a success for me and that I am finally a mom, I will also be taking the time to do express thanks that the things that make me who I am, things I once worried I might have lost forever to the black hole of infertility, are slowly but surely becoming part of my life again. 

Welcome Home

If you have read any of my posts in the past few months, you may have noticed my schedule is just a teensy bit full lately. Between entertaining out of town guests, travels of our own, moving into our new home and the daily in and outs of everyday life I feel like I have barely been able to take a breath lately, let alone think about how I feel about all of the things that have been happening. I have however been trying my absolute best to live in and enjoy every moment of all of these events both big and small. 

For starters, we had an amazing time on our first trip without Eliana. I was so nervous that I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself but in the end all three of us benefited from the trip. Chad and I were able to spend quality time with each other and our friends and Eliana had an amazing time with her grandparents. And absolutely nothing compared with the moment we came home to her excited smiles and endless hugs. She spent the entire afternoon after we got home running back and forth between the two of us giggling and throwing herself into full body hugs and kisses. I melt all over again just thinking about it. 

We didn't have long to stop and reflect on the fun we had though because the next day we threw ourselves straight into moving and it's been non-stop since. It has been so busy that I haven't had time to really reflect on leaving the home we inhabited for the past three years. Yeah, it's just an apartment, but so much happened there. This was where we lived when we came to California from Florida without a friend or family member within 1000 miles, when it was literally just the two of us against the world. This was where we held each other and cried after so many BFNs, where we hoped things would "just fall into place". We were in that apartment when we decided to pursue IVF. We where there for both of the phone calls that gave us the news that I was pregnant. We holed up together in that living room crying and mourning the loss of my first pregnancy. I will never forget the days I spent in that bedroom on bedrest after my FET, hoping that Snow Pea was snuggling in as I watched "Gone With the Wind" and relaxed to the hum of our new window a/c as the 115 heat wave roared outside nor will I forget any moment of the pregnancy that followed and all of the excited hopeful moments that it contained. Taking apart the desk and guest bed to make room for a crib and changing table, hanging vinyl star decals on the freshly painted nursery walls, baking spicy labor cookies in the tiny kitchen, saying goodbye to our life as a couple as we left for the hospital and hello to our life as a family when we returned home with Snow Pea in our arms. 

That apartment is where Eliana laughed for the first time, spoke her first words and took her first steps. There are so many amazing and important memories there and it is bittersweet leaving the place where so many important moments in my life took place. But it's not just the past I am sad to say goodbye to. In the past few months we have become close with the neighbors that live next door to us. They have a son just a bit older than Eliana and the two of them have a blast playing together. And the four of us adults have a great time just hanging out, talking and laughing together. The first time we sat on the patio together chatting, we were there until 3am, not realizing just how late it was. Becoming parents isn't exactly easy on your social life and having friends we genuinely liked and clicked with right next door was pretty incredible. We got to feel like our Saturday nights were fun again while still having the comfort of being just a few steps away from our baby girl. Of course, we are maintaining our friendship with them but we are definitely sad to give them up as neighbors. I know it's just a place, just four walls and a roof but I can't help but feel a connection to that place. I probably always will. It is after all where I lived for what has turned out to be the most significant three years of my life.

We are officially living in our new house (yes that is a picture of it- LOVE!) and we really do love it here. This house has more space, heaps more character and a great yard complete with white picket fence. We are just two blocks from the park and five blocks from downtown and all kinds of fantastic cafes, coffee shops and antique stores. But there is still plenty left to do until we are "settled". Luckily, Snow Pea loves the new house and only really lost sleep our first night here. Since then, she has become pretty comfortable and happy in her new digs. Speaking of happy, that is her new favorite word. She started saying it last week and hasn't stopped. It is absolutely, unbelievably heart melting to hear! I ask her if she is a happy baby girl then she responds with a giant smile and giggle before exclaiming "happy! happy! happy!" over and over again. It's the best. She has a few other new words too. She loves saying apple, up, baby, book, ball and her two best friends names Avery and JoJo. All of which she has learned since our move. She even said her very first sentence the other day! I asked her what she wanted to do and she said "go outside walk!" It was astounding! It is incredible to witness and experience every new day with her. She is developing such a fun, goofy and lovable personality and after only a week in the new house she has already created so many wonderful memories here. I can't wait to experience and create even more, maybe one day as a family of four.

Ready To Be Me

During my last 2ww after FET, I was anything but optimistic. I had just suffered a miscarriage following a roller coaster IVF and my heart was still raw and couldn't fathom anything good happening for me. Chad and I both spent most of those two weeks bracing ourselves for disappointment and heartbreak. We truly had very little hope that this FET had really worked. Finally we realized we needed to escape and just be us, if only for a moment. So we sailed off for a short island getaway to take a breath and release some anxiety the day before beta. While we were there we took a moment to make a wish in a little fountain tucked into a hidden courtyard. My beta was less than 24 hours away so we held hands, tossed our penny in and felt our very first ray of hope. That short 2 day trip was the first time I felt really like the me I was before infertility. If only for a moment, I could just be.

Two years later we journeyed to that island again this time with the amazing little girl that was born as a result of the very same FET we had been so worried would fail. And of course we revisited that hopeful fountain. It was so amazing to experience that mini vacation again but this time with her there to enjoy it with us. She delighted in all of the new sights and sounds and we delighted in seeing them again through her eyes. And having so much traveling with her already under our belts and so much more to come, we are excited about the many opportunities to see old places become new again as we experience them as parents for the first time. 

Next week though, we are taking a truly groundbreaking trip: the first since Snow Pea was born for which she won't be joining us. I am kinda, sorta freaking out about being away from my baby girl for the first time since she was born. But I am also kinda looking forward to the break from parenting. Don't get me wrong, I love being a stay at home mom and wouldn't change that for anything right now, but it gets exhausting. Really exhausting. And the idea of a having few days to not worry about why my child is whining and whether I am a terrible mother for giving in to said whines sounds pretty nice right now. 

I feel so incredibly conflicted for even thinking I need a break and not just for the reasons you might think. Yes of course, part of it is because I want to be with my daughter and I know that I will without a doubt miss her immensely. I can't imagine missing 4 entire days of her life. But I also feel like I somehow don't deserve to feel tired or worn out. I mean what do I really do to warrant the need for a "break"? Yeah, I'm a stay at home mom, but I'm no heroine. I rarely cook, my house is always a mess and as much as I adore my girl I also find myself occasionally overwhelmed with the demands that come with full-time caregiving. I feel like there are so many more women and men out there giving more, doing more- moms and dads who work and still have the same responsibilities I do when it comes to grocery shopping, laundry washing and dinner making. There are moms who meal plan and have their crock pots set up, ready for the night's meal as they put together homemade, educational activities for their tots, while I rely on a day full of the same store bought toys, trips to the library for storytime and puzzling over what to make for dinner about 5 minutes before we should be eating it. I try to convince myself that the "pinterest" world of crafts, homemade meals, perfect exercise schedules and cleaning schedules isn't really an accurate picture of what happens in other people's homes, but it is hard to believe I'm not the only slacker sometimes. If I can't even keep up with my own to-do list, what exactly do I need a break from?

Then of course there is the infertility thing. I wanted this more than anything in the entire world. I still do. I truly do love being a parent and not in a passive way. The thought is consciously in my head at least once a day. Every time I try to do something that used to be easy that is now instead a struggle to keep my toddler from running into traffic or throwing a tantrum, I can't help but realize how much more I enjoy having a demanding baby making it impossible for me to eat my dinner while it's hot than I ever did actually eating said dinner. But that doesn't mean I don't ever want to eat a hot meal again. And maybe even have a glass of wine to go with it once in a while and some uninterrupted adult conversation while I'm at it. It's this crazy internal debate that I go through constantly. I have so much fun being a mom and I am so grateful for it but I also just want to be me sometimes without having to think for two people. I love it but no matter how great it is, it can be draining. That thinking for two people thing is what gets really hard. My brain feels like complete mush by the end of the day. 

I miss "me" stuff. I need more of it. I realized I am kind of losing myself to the toddler routine. I get out every day, I have tons of friends to interact with- both parents and not, I am not shutting myself away by any means but I still feel like I often lose sight of what makes me, me. My 30th birthday is coming up and since I was 23 I have been planning to throw an epic 80s Prom to celebrate. But in the past few months, it has started to sound like too much work and I have lost excitement for it. Part of it I think is that I really do have a lot of other things to plan and prepare for and this party really will take some work, but I also realized I haven't been excited because I haven't been in touch with the part of me that wanted this in the first place. I haven't listened to own music in ages because my CD player and pandora station is always blasting The Wiggles or Laurie Berkner. As much as I love the kids tunes Eliana and I jam out to, I need to rock out to my music again too. That used to be a huge part of me. I spent my entire pregnancy and Snow Pea's 1st year belting Journey, REO Speedwagon and Depeche Mode into a hairbrush to get psyched up for planning my birthday bash, but now that she has reached toddlerhood I've caved to playing "Shake My Sillies Out" a thousand times a day to keep her happy. 

I know it is probably selfish and that I probably don't actually need or deserve it, but I still really want a break. I want to spend time with my husband without us both having to divide our attention. I want to be able to put all of my energy into something that I really want to do. Of course, I'm sure I will barely remember any of these feelings this time next week when I'm missing my baby and counting the moments until I can with her again. But hopefully, just like that 2ww escape trip, I will find that moment that will snap my brain out of whatever funk it might be in and I will come home feeling refreshed and recharged and ready to be the best mom and the best me that I can be.

I'm Back!

I'm back! Back from what you ask? Well back to blogging after a nearly 4 week absence for one and back home from a week of fun with Chad's family for another. Yes I said fun with my in-laws! All of them! Chad, Eliana and I spent a week swimming, rock-sliding, kayaking, playing games and celebrating with his brother and sister and their families at his parent's cabin in the Georgia mountains. I know to many of you this sounds crazy, but I adore the family I married into. I cried when we left. I am a lucky girl. 

We created so many wonderful memories this past week. This is going to sound ultra-cheesy, but every moment felt special and amazing simply because our daughter was there to share it with us. Throughout the week, I couldn't help but notice how much more "in the moment" I felt than the last time I had been there. I could smile and mean it. I could laugh without forcing myself. I never had to fight back tears or pretend to be having more fun than I was because I really was having a great time. The last time the entire family was together in this cabin still held plenty of happy moments for me, but mostly I was hurting. It was Christmas 2009 and as we boarded the plane for the trip, I was anxiously waiting to see whether AF would show up after an incredibly difficult and emotional 2ww. Her arrival on Christmas morning was a stab to my heart that was almost too much to bear and spending time with my nieces and nephews provided me the contradictory experience of both easing my broken heart and exacerbating it. I will never forget the chain of crying that occurred on Christmas day. One of my sisters-in-law was in tears due to a challenge she was facing with her son's behavior, followed quickly with tears from other sister-in-law who was also crying and overwhelmed by her oldest child's behavior. Que me sobbing my eyes out in the corner because although I knew their struggles were real, and challenging, I wanted more than anything to have a son or daughter's difficult behavior to cry about.

This trip was heads and tails different than that experience. It made me realize just how much my heart has healed since becoming a mom. I didn't ache or hurt when we celebrated my sister-in-law's pregnancy with a surprise shower. I could enjoy my nieces and nephews and watch them play without feeling sad or wistful. Being able to really be me this time, I could see just how hard those family events really used to be for me, just how guarded and detached I really was. I didn't feel like I was fully apart of these occasions then. I felt like Chad and I were the odd ones out. The only ones with empty laps and empty arms. I wasn't myself, I was nearly consumed by infertility. That experience was always right on top of my conscious thoughts throughout the week, and it kept me grounded and happy. I didn't get particularly bothered when my dinner got cold because I was busy cutting up bite sized meals for Eliana, or when she woke up early from her naps because she was asleep in an open loft without much protection from noise because these were the problems I cried for the last time I was here. I am not trying to be a saint or idealize things. I'm a normal woman who was grateful to have my mother-in-law volunteer to watch my daughter so I could have a break. But I also truly felt so incredibly lucky and grateful to have a toddler demanding my attention when I was trying to have an adult conversation instead of being left alone with the empty, achy feeling of childlessness after everyone else has pulled away by their kids needs for attention.

I think the best part of this week though, wasn't my experience, it was hers. Watching Eliana play and giggle with her cousins made me melt in a way I can't even describe. All four of them were so incredibly sweet with her and she was in awe of each of them. She followed the girls around, trying to imitate them and take part in their games. She let the boys cuddle her and care for her and giggled at their silly faces. She found her uncles to be almost as hilarious as Daddy and let her aunts paint her toenails and play lap games with her. She trusted her Grandmommy completely and just flat out adored her Grandaddy. She spent the entire week laughing, playing, learning and being loved. I am so thrilled that this is her family. That she is blessed to be related to such amazing people. But it also kills me that she has to live so far away from all of them, that she'll have these experiences only every so often instead of often. It's the same story with my side of the family. I am incredibly close to my mom and sister and they adore Eliana almost as much as I do. The last time they visited, she screamed when she watched them walk away into the airport, she wasn't ready to say goodbye. And neither was I. I feel incredibly guilty to be raising my daughter without more constant interaction with the family that loves her so much. But I also feel so blessed that she has the family that she does, that she loves spending time with them so much that I wish there was more of it rather than less. And I am grateful that both my family from childhood and the family I married into, love me as much as they do so that with their support I could be true to myself in both the heartbreak of infertility and the joy of motherhood.

Wordless Wednesday: Easy As ABC

I had a free photobook code sitting around and of course, waited until the absolute second to even think about it. I didn't want it to go to waste though so at the last minute I put this book together for Snow Pea to add to her library. I wrote it myself based on the photos and I have to say I am pretty excited about how it turned out!

Click here to view this photo book larger

Putting the Breast to Rest

The process of trying to conceive can be so emotional and overpowering, it is only natural that many of those in the trenches cope with these struggles and their deepest hopes by realizing them in dream-filled sleeps. Many of my friends have told of dreams about yet to be realized children so real and vivid, they simultaneously give them feelings of hope at the possible future and despair and their very real present. During my years of struggle, I only ever had one dream of myself as a mother that I can recall. Some of it was nonsensical like most dreams but it also had one very simple, emotional moment in which I was nursing a baby girl and it felt so incredibly tender and real that it stuck with me.

When I was finally and truly pregnant with my amazing daughter, that dream came back to me and I knew that I wanted to breastfeed her when she was born. I also knew that it isn't always as easy as plopping a baby onto your boob and I wanted to learn more about the nursing process so that I could be as successful as possible. I won't lie, I was insanely intimidated and daunted at the huge task and throughout pregnancy I did my best to soak in information from friends, books and even a class taught by a lactation consultant. I set a goal to breastfeed exclusively for the 1st six months. I also always reminded myself that breastfeeding isn't easy and it isn't life or death. If for any reason it wasn't working for her or me, it was ok to move to something that worked better for us. 


And in the beginning it really wasn't always easy. Thanks to an emergency c-section and some concerning swelling in her head after birth, Eliana and I were apart for the first few hours of her life. I can't even remember the first time I tried to nurse her. But I do remember the days at the hospital of her crying desperately for nourishment without the slightest idea of how to latch onto my breast to get it. It was frustrating and challenging for both of us. Luckily, I had some amazing nurses and one physically helped me figure it out. It would have been awkward but the result negated any weirdness and for the first time ever I successfully fed my daughter. It was incredible. 


I have had a few other bumps in the road since then: engorgement, plugged ducts, difficulty pumping, and a near bout of mastitis that I spent days fighting off. It wasn't always fun or easy and it was definitely never glamorous, but overall, I got lucky and Snow Pea and I fell into a good routine. We reached six months and the introduction of solids faster than I could have dreamed, and while the demand for the breast went down the more food she ate, and her growing awareness of the world was changing the dynamic, I saw no reason to stop just yet. So we continued our nursing relationship and I hoped to make it another six months. 


I was so thrilled when I made it to a year. By then we were down to 3 feedings a day, first thing the morning, after her afternoon nap and right before bed. It had become far less demanding than when we started, but now a year later I felt ready to wean. Snow Pea wasn't a sweet, peaceful baby anymore. She wiggly, distracted and precocious. She had started demanding milk by tugging on my shirt and whining at me during the day, biting my nipples when she got bored or wanted to switch sides. It was frustrating and exhausting. 


So again, I did my research. I talked to friends who had been there and read up and just weeks ago introduced cow's milk into my daughter's diet. She hated it at first. She knew what she wanted and it didn't come in a plastic cup. But it literally only took a week of offering a cup after her afternoon nap before she decided this was good stuff and at 13 months she has officially dropped her daytime feeding. My plan setting out was to wean from this feeding first and then the other two, one at a time, over the course of a few weeks. I was by no means in a rush. Now it seems though that my body has begun deciding for us that time is just about up. 


Earlier this week I nursed Snow Pea after her bath, just as I have for months now and realized that I felt almost completely empty. My poor girl was trying and trying but I had nothing to give her. She was miserable, screaming and crying in hunger and frustration. I had to do what was best for her needs and I gave her a bottle of plain milk that she hungrily sucked down before contentedly passing out. And then I cried.

I thought I was ready. I was the one who decided it was time to wean, that encouraged her to transition away from needing my body to feed her, but now that it is actually happening, it is more emotional than I ever anticipated. My body has nourished hers for nearly 2 years! For 9 months she lived and grew inside my body and for the last 13 my milk has sustained her. Being unable to do for her what I have done her entire life made me feel a little bit heartbroken, like she was growing too fast and didn't need me anymore. But it also made me see that she really is weaning herself even more than I'm weaning her and as hard as it may be, I need to follow her lead and let her have this bit of independence. My child is becoming just that, a child. She is no longer an infant and she is ready to move on from our nursing relationship.

I am not positive how many weeks or days of breastfeeding are left. Will I even know my last nursing session with her when it happens? What I do know is that I am grateful to have been able to breastfeed at all and to have been able to do it for so long. I also know that I don't believe any of the media hype that I am somehow more or less of a mom because of it. I won't get into all that now, especially since I have already written a more at length post on the topic (which you can find here) but I do want to be sure that my words don't get turned into fuel for a supposed "mommy war". All moms that love and do their best for their kids are good moms, period. I have done what was best for my me and daughter so far and now that it is changing, I am looking forward what that means for us in the future. 

To Snow Pea, With Love

Forgive me for posting this a week late, but it has been a non-stop whirlwind of activity lately! None so important or as emotional for me as my baby girl's first birthday on April 9, 2012.

To Eliana On Your First Birthday,
You will never know what this year has meant to me, how much joy and love you have brought into my life. I will remember the moment I first heard your cry for the rest of my life. It is a beautiful sound that echoes in my head and my heart constantly and I will be happy to replay it forever. I can't believe how quickly that sweet sound has gone and been replace by the glorious noise of your giggles and first words. Watching you grow and change throughout the first year of your life has been nothing short of amazing. Each day you give me and your Daddy new reasons to smile, new reasons to shed happy tears and new reminders of how unbelievably grateful and lucky we are to be your parents. I thought I knew love in the first moment I held your tiny body close to mine, just moments after you were born, but this year has shown me that I will never know just how deep and big my love can grow because each day I fall even more in love with you and and the amazing person you are already becoming.

You have such a unique personality and I love getting to know the things that make you, you. You adore books and kitties, always squealing with excitement for both. You like to share and to pretend to feed me and your baby, scooping invisible food from an empty cup onto a spoon. You love to giggle and dance and clap. You really are a very happy baby and people you meet in the store or on the street are always very excited to tell you that. You are dying to be even more mobile than you are already are and you get very frustrated if you're stuck in my arms or your carseat for too long. You love to communicate and have started picking up new signs within minutes and excitedly adding them to your vocabulary, as well as attempting to verbally repeat a lot of what Mommy and Daddy say. You're also a bit of a daredevil and you seem to enjoy the adrenaline rush of a slight scare. You have a toy monster that sings and dances and every time you see him, you squeal and beg to see him sing. But he also freaks you out and you always whine a little and reach for Mommy if he gets too close. We can't put him away though because you instantly cry and sign "more" to see him again and again, even though you're still a little scared. Only a year old and already standing up to your fears. Such a brave girl.

I have to admit I am a little sad to say goodbye to your first year of babyhood and all of those precious infant behaviors that you'll never get back, like the sweet "ooo" face you made as you stretched your arms and legs during your first few weeks home, and the sweet coos of contentment you made before you learned to make more distinct sounds and the adorable way you slept all wrapped up like a burrito in your swaddle. Those days were far shorter and flew by far faster than I could have dreamed. I would keep them forever if it didn't mean missing out on the joy and excitement of watching you grow up. As amazing as your infancy was, watching you venture into toddler-hood has been an incredible adventure. There nothing quite like seeing you figure out a new skill for the first time. The look of curiosity, determination and pride on your face is breathtaking. I hope and pray that these attitudes will stay with you for life. For my part, I will do my absolute best to nurture and encourage you to continue to be exactly who you are. I will do everything I can to ensure that you grow to remain the amazing person you already are at a year old: curious and playful, determined and daring, friendly and giving and most of all happy and excited about life. I will do everything in my power to make sure you always have a truly happy life full of love and joy, because that is what you have given me just by being here and you deserve nothing less. I love you, Snow Pea. You are the light of my life and my world is forever brighter with you in it. Thank you for giving me the best year of my life so far. Happy 1st Birthday, Eliana.

Love,
Mommy

ElliePalooza!

Although I still have a few days until my little Snow Pea is officially a year old, we held her big 1st birthday bash a few days ago. It was a musical themed Birthday Palooza and we had an absolute blast putting it together and even more fun enjoying it! Hope you enjoy the photos from Ellie Belly's fun day!

Dessert Table- This was one of my favorite aspects to plan and execute. We ordered simple but delicious cupcakes from a local bakery and had them dusted with sanding sugar in our party colors (bright pink, orange, turquoise, lime & yellow) and they included a free smash cake decorated like a drum. I made cupcake picks with scalloped circles and personalized confetti purchased on Etsy. Chad and I also handmade cake stand from old vinyl records by using gorilla glue to attach them to upside down margarita glasses. I also had fun making pretzel "drumsticks" with white chocolate and sprinkles. Chad used a free pennant printable I found to create the birthday banner. Add in the amazing re-purposed guitar plaque made by a friend, my hand-drawn music not confetti and rock candy and I am pretty much in love with this spread!

The Party- Eliana has been a music lover since day one. She dances and bounces to the beat of almost any song, can do the motions to "Wheels On the Bus" and "Itsy Bitsy Spider", loves to cheer and sing along and claps enthusiastically for an encore every time she hears music. Having a music themed party seemed like an obvious choice once I gave it some thought. We set up a play area with all of our musical instrument toys and nursery song board books. I really lucked out though, when an online deal site hosted a 75% off bargain for an hour-long music party from a truly fantastic local children's musician. The second Eliana saw the guitar in his hands she was transfixed and no interest in anything else but hearing the music he was about to play. Most of his stuff is original and I gotta say the songs were fun for the babies and the grown ups as he acted like pirates and shook the maracas he brought to play with. He also did some classics, including of course "Happy Birthday" and presented Eliana with his CD as her special gift. After baby music time, there was plenty of yummy food to eat at our sandwich bar and Rock Band gave the adults a chance to jam out too!

Special Touches- Photo timelines are getting really popular at first birthdays and as soon as I saw this cute idea, I knew I had to do it, so I hand-painted wooden clothespins in party colors with musical confetti to accent it and pinned up my favorite monthly photos on black & white along with her "Peas Out" newborn shot and of course her very first picture, as a recently thawed embryo. It was so cool to see how much she's grown in one line like that. I also snagged another cute idea I've seen done for 1st birthdays lately and had everyone fill out a card for her birthday time-capsule to be opened when she turns 18. Being a music party though, I added the twist of a song dedication for her to listen to when she turns 18. She had some really funny recommendations for that and I can't wait to see what she thinks of those songs when she turns 18. I ordered the super cute high chair banner on Etsy and then discovered that it wouldn't fit onto her high chair. I was bummed, but it still looked cute as part of the decor.

Party Favors- No party is complete with a little something to thank your guests for coming! We made VIP badges for all the babies as they arrived, personalized with their name & photo. This was one of my absolute favorite touches and all of the parents seemed excited about it too. We of course made one for Eliana as well, to put into her time capsule. I also put together favor bags for each baby with a toy maraca, tambourine and bubbles in a guitar shaped bottle all tied with ribbon and handmade favor tags that thanked Eliana's guests for rocking out with her.

The Dress- I wanted her to wear something a little special, she is the guest of honor after all, but I also wanted to keep it simple and comfortable. I found this adorable cotton and chiffon gray dress on clearance and ironed on the hot pink guitar patch. Pair it with some leggings and a bow to match and to match and you have one rocking birthday girl!

Cake Smash! She was so flabbergasted during the birthday song before we blew out her candle together. she loves to hear people sing, but she's never seen an entire room full of people singing the same song to her! Once she had her cake in front of her, it took her a bit to realize she could dig in and eat this this thing. We gave her hand by literally smashing her hand into it to get it started. then she wanted to share and feed bites to Mommy & Daddy. Once she saw that we like it she was ready for a few little nibbles. She loved poking the red and yellow buttons around the top and spent some time going round and round poking each one. Finally, she dug her hand in and got a good taste and then it was all smiles as she gobbled up her first real serving of sugar.

As with all good things, the party had to come to an end, but not before we created a lot of new and wonderful memories together. It was so amazing to celebrate the greatest year of our lives and to honor our precious daughter in such a fun way. I can't say that we'll go this big every year, but I am so glad we did it for this one.

Due For a Party

Is it just me or did March zoom by at warp speed? I guess that's how it goes when you're busy, busy, busy! Between travel, anniversary celebrations, party planning, and keeping up with increasingly mobile baby, busy is definitely what I have been. And since I am so behind I am dying to talk about mine and Chad's 5 year wedding anniversary and a zillion other exciting things that have happened the past few weeks, but none are more exciting than Eliana's 1st birthday celebration yesterday.

I debated for ages over whether or not to give into my craving for a great big first birthday party. I know it's over the top. My parents had my grandparents over for a home-cooked dinner and birthday cake with a couple of gifts when I turned one, because really what more do you need? I never gave it much thought really, but as this amazing first year of motherhood as gone on, I kept daydreaming about celebrating it in a really big way. It has been after all the absolute, hands-down best year of my life so it felt appropriate to celebrate the amazing little person that gave that gift. So I finally decided to go for it, and I am so glad I did.

Not only was the party a ton of fun for all three of us, it gave me a place to channel all of my energy and emotion about her upcoming first birthday. Each month on the 9th as Snow Pea reached a new monthly milestone, I have felt a bittersweet burst of emotion about how much she's grown and how amazing it is to be a part of it. I won't lie, both happy and sad tears are shed almost monthly as I realize that while a stage of her babyhood has passed, there is still a lifetime of love to look forward to. So if I get weepy just celebrating her monthly "birthday" you can only imagine how much pent up emotion I'm containing with her turning one just one week from today! Having my party to-do list this month has taken the edge off of the emotions of my baby growing into a toddler. I had so much fun planning, crafting and preparing every little detail and it did a lot to keep my mind in the present as well. Although it hasn't stopped me from reminiscing entirely.

I have been playing lots of "this time last year" remembering the excitement and anticipation of the last weeks of my pregnancy. In fact, this day last year, was my original due date and I remember talking to Snow Pea all day, telling her I love her and that I was ready when she was. She didn't come for another week, but April 2 is one of those dates that will always stick in my head. Of course, I can't play "this time last year" without expanding into "this time 2 years ago" and remembering all of the challenges we were facing wondering if parenthood would really ever happen for us. A friend recently helped me realize just how incredible it is that I am talking about the best year of my life, when the years directly preceding this one were without a doubt the most heartbreaking and most challenging. It really is incredible how much my world has changed and all of it for the better.

And nothing was better than than celebrating all of that joy, those bittersweet milestones, the amazing love that is my daughter at her "birthday palooza" yesterday. There was music, laughter, friends and plenty of cake. Eliana enjoyed every one of those things and I am just grateful to have experienced it with her. I know she won't remember any of it, but I certainly will and I look forward to sharing my memories with her. We are even putting together a first birthday time capsule to be opened when she turns 18, full of mementos of her party and her first year so that she can see just how special and precious she is.

I promise I have lots more pictures and fun stories to share from our incredible day, but unfortunately my laptop is outdated and is not letting me access the server properly so that I can post them (yes, we have a tiny computer network in our 1200 sq ft apartment and yes my husband is a total tech-head). I promise to have them up very, very soon! And in the meantime I am going to cuddle up my sweet girl, reminisce about those wonderful last belly kicks and enjoy this last week of my daughter's amazing first year.

11 Months In A Flash

My brain has been in full force party planning mode for Eliana's first birthday a lot lately, so I knew intellectually that she has been getting closer and closer to being a one-year old. But it still took me by surprise when she reached 11 months old a few days ago. Every other month, as fast as it went, I always knew it was coming at least a few days in advance and reminded myself to have her onesie sticker out and to be sure to get her weight and length at the Mommy-Baby clinic where we go to Mommy & Me classes. This month came out of nowhere though. I got used to her being ten months old as if she was just going to slow down and stay there for a while.

But instead she just keeps growing up. Something that is so amazing and rewarding to witness and be a part of that I will forgive her for leaving her oh so precious infant stage. Because each day she really is less and less an infant and more and more a toddler. Every day she learns something new or improves a skill. Seeing her discover or share these new things is just about the most exciting thing in the universe. She now has a vocabulary of about 17 signs and can not only perform the sign when we ask her how to say "monkey" but she can also open and close her hands to specifically ask for a book before bed. It is amazing to see that comprehension and to communicate about her world. I think the most amazing of signing moment of the month happened when we were feeding ducks for the first time at the park. I showed her the sign for duck, which she was excited to repeat and then told her to say hi to the ducks. She then proceeded to look at each individual duck, wave to it and then sign the word "duck". She was literally saying "hi, duck!" I was and still am amazed.

And it doesn't stop at sign communication. I am officially calling her first words this month. Yes, she has been babbling for a while and making all of the requisite "muh muh muhs" and da da das" but it hasn't seemed like she truly had these sounds tied to anyone or anything specific. She hasn't really said them in a way that seemed intended to communicate. But then came a new game that she couldn't help but cheer for. I was teaching her to put her colored balls "into" the toy they come with. She had loved taking things out for a while but hadn't discovered the opposite action yet. She paid close attention to my instruction and guidance and then finally when I asked if she could put the green ball into the bucket she did it completely unassisted. She was so proud that she immediately burst into applause and yelled "Yay!" Not as a repetition or random sound but as the word itself, on her own, unprompted and to let me know she was happy. And she has kept saying it as well as noises for milk, Mommy, Daddy, hi, bye, and all done. She never stops amazing me though and I have a feeling she is trying to say more words that we just aren't catching on to yet.

She is also becoming much more mobile and as her tenth month came to an end she learned to sit herself up from laying on her back or tummy and it has become a favorite new skill to use, especially when she should be sleeping but would rather not. And sitting alone usually isn't exciting enough. Whenever possible she pulls herself up onto her knees and puts a foot out like she's trying to figure out how to get to her feet. She hasn't gotten farther than that yet, but her new found abilities have nevertheless finally forced us to lower her crib. Yes believe it or not, it was on the newborn height until the day she reached 11 months. Mobility has just never been her greatest interest but now with these new skills and her always improving inchworm crawl, the days of having my baby stay in one place are gone forever. The inchworm crawl is crazy adorable by the way. She doesn't get her knees under her but she still gets to where she wants to go by slithering and shimmying through the room, and she gets there pretty fast.

And that's the theme of this month, of this whole year really: fast. My Snow Pea is growing up so fast! This time last year Chad and I were anxiously wondering when our baby girl would make her debut, wondering what she would look like, whose eyes she'd have, what would make her smile, how her laugh would sound. The past eleven months have been an amazing journey of discovering all of those answers and getting to know her personality is so much fun that I am almost ready to accept that that she really is a toddler and not a baby. But with only one month left until she is officially a year old, I am not quite ready yet. So I am going to take each day slowly and savor every second I have with her as my sweet baby.

Wordless Wednesday: You're Invited

It's official, I have mailed the invitations for Snow Pea's 1st birthday party. How is my baby already turning one?!?

Somewhat Wordless Wednesday: Party Planner

Planning for Snow Pea's 1st birthday is officially underway! Eek!

Double Digits Make Me Sappy

To My Precious Ellie Belly,

I can't believe that you're 10 months old already and the 1st anniversary of your birth is so quickly approaching. In so many ways it feels like only a moment ago that your daddy and I were still clinging to hope and each other in the midst of the pain and challenges in our journey to become parents. That time in my life is always still right there, reminding me of just how amazing and blessed my life is now that you're in it. As real as the pain of life before you will always be, the reality of life with you is something I can't imagine I ever existed without.

It's only been 10 months but you have grown and changed so much since you were born and I am already so proud of the person you are. You are so sweet and loving, always happy to share a smile with a stranger or giggle with a new friend, and you seem to make new friends everywhere you go. I've never seen such a happy, friendly baby. The world really is your play place and your squeals of excitement are music to me.

And speaking of music, you are quite the music lover and have been since day one. You dance and bounce to any rhythm you hear, finding music in the everyday sounds of crinkling paper or a trash can being dragged over a bumpy walkway. And the more you learn to do with your voice, the more I've heard you sing. In your crib after a nap, in your car seat running errands or anytime you're in need of entertainment, you love nothing more than to sing to yourself and even when I can't see you, I can hear the smile in your voice.

Of course, being the vocal baby you are, happiness isn't the only reason you like to raise your voice. Yes, you may scream to get what you want but you know what you want and you are very quickly learning to sign to get your way. I love seeing your face light up with excitement and pride when you perform the sign for "more" and realize that a fresh serving of kiwi is front of you.

You're also developing a love of books and reading that I am quite proud of and hope stays with you for life. You will drop everything to sit in my lap for ages when you hear or see the word "book". You are a great page turner and flap lifter. Your favorite book is still "Goodnight Moon" and you demand the switch to that one if I read anything else at bedtime. You know it so well that when playing with a copy, a friend caught you turning the upside down book right side up before flipping through the pages all on your own.

Each day brings new challenges, new joys and even more love than the day before. Not long ago someone said they would never do what I did to become a parent, that they would never go through the challenges and rigors of IVF in order to have a child. I fully respect that opinion and I know that the path your dad and I chose is not for everyone, but I would do it again and again if it means I get to be your mom. You are my miracle and these past 10 months have been the happiest of my life. Although I am in no hurry for you to grow up, I look forward to enjoying each new day, month and year of life with you. I love you, Snow Pea.

Love, Mommy

Mommy Guilt

This past weekend we learned that Snow Pea is allergic to eggs. Poor girl loves them, gobbled them up like candy, but before she had finished her meal hives began appearing around her mouth, chin and jawline. So we did what any reasonable parent would do and took them away then immediately called the on-call nurse at our pediatrician's office. She gave us instructions on what to watch for and administering ben.adryl if necessary and reassured that most kids outgrow this type of allergy but that we should stay away from eggs right now. We were nervous, checking on our breathing throughout her entire morning nap, but honestly her reaction was very mild. The bumps were gone no more than 15 minutes after they appeared and she never fussed or whined to indicate that they were bothering her in any way.

I have still had the incident on my mind though and wanted to follow up with her actual pediatrician to discuss what to expect, what to stay away from and whether we should think about allergy testing. The doctor was nice, helpful and informative and she made me feel guilty as hell. She said that her office doesn't recommend eggs at all for babies under a year, and that introducing them before a year can actually cause the allergy. She also said that this allergy can be very serious and may lead other even more dangerous allergies like peanuts and that she could be allergic for life due to early exposure. So what I heard was "your daughter is allergic to eggs and it might be very dangerous and she'll have to live with it forever and it's ALL YOUR FAULT."

I got off the phone and just felt so terrible. Like I had screwed up, made a huge mistake and jeopardized her health for life. This perfect little girl trusts me every second of every day to take care of her. To change her if she's wet, to keep her from getting hurt, to feed her when she's hungry. And in doing those things for her there are so many decisions to be made: Do I use cloth diapers or disposables? Do I rush in the second she cries or let her try to soothe herself? Should I give her a dose of ty.lenol when she's teething or stay clear of medications? What foods should I give her for lunch today? All of these little moments seem to have a huge weight behind them. And when things go well, when I choose to let her self soothe and she's asleep again in less than 5 minutes, I feel good about the choices I'm making. But when they go wrong or worse, when someone puts their opinion into the mix, that's when the mommy guilt sets in.

I can't help it sometimes. I know I'm doing my best. I know that I love my daughter more than anything and that I am being proactive about raising her but the damn guilt is always just around the corner waiting to get me. When the egg incident first happened, I felt a twinge of guilt but I reminded myself that she was fine and that now we know and prevent anything worse from occurring. But talking to the doctor poked a hole into my mommy confidence. I can still hear her saying "well we don't recommend that at all, but what's done is done". That phrase took from feeling like an involved parent looking out for my child's best interest, to a heap of guilty feelings. I felt like I had made the worst kind of mistake. I felt that when it came to caring for my child's health, I had failed.

I've since talked myself off the edge of the guilt ledge, thanks to a lot of love and support from my husband and my lovely twitter family, but I can't say I won't blame myself if it turns out she does have a lifelong food allergy. And I have to say I kind of resent the world for creating that thought in my head. Of course I know that as her parent, I have more influence on her life than just about anyone else, but I am not the only influence. There are so many variables in the universe that I have zero control over and her immune system is one of them. But somehow everything we do or don't do as parents is blamed for everything that happens to a child. If something is wrong with your baby, the first thing people jump to is what you did to cause it. Your child has reflux? You must be feeding them the wrong thing or not burping them well. Your child has colic? You must be overstimulating or understimulating them to make them cry so much. Your baby still doesn't sleep through the night? You must be spoiling them or not spoiling them enough. It's enough to drive anyone crazy!

So my kid is allergic to eggs. Did I really cause it? Do I really have that much power and influence over her body? Maybe. But do I have to feel guilty about it? Do I have to writhe in sadness, thinking I've destroyed my child's life? No. I need to let myself off the hook a little. I need to remember that no matter how hard I try, I will make mistakes. I don't have to be a perfect parent because there is no such thing. And more than that, there is no definition of a perfect parent. For every "proven" opinion out there there is one in direct opposition with the same amount of research behind it. I've heard from countless people in the past few days telling me that their pediatricians recommended starting eggs and even peanuts before a year instead of after. So who's right? I'll probably never know. But what I do know is this: I am a good mom, this probably won't be my last case of mommy guilt and it might be time to find a new pediatrician.

Just The Beginning

Happy 2012! I can't believe it's a new year already, and not only that but almost 2 weeks into the year! Just a couple of days ago, Snow Pea reached 9 months. And what a month full of excitement this past one was! She got her first two teeth and while I am sad to say goodbye to her gummy, toothless smile, I love the joy on her face as she munches on new finger foods. She learned to play "So Big!" and will frequently start raising her arms and giggling, patiently waiting for me to fill in the words. She also started blowing kisses and loves the sound of her own voice saying "muah, muah, muah". As for me, I am cherishing every single second and marveling that she has already been out almost as long as she was in. The 9 months of pregnancy feel more and more like a dream that I only believe happened sometimes because I have the pictures and the baby that were created in those 41 weeks. These past 9 months raising Snow Pea on the other hand, feel simultaneously as if they've flown by and as if they have no beginning, like life without her never really existed in the first place.

On the night before she officially turned 9 months, I was thinking about these things, about how much she has grown and changed in this time and about how much I grew and changed during the 9 months before she was born. And then I thought about the 3 years before that, the three years full of hurt and tears, charts and pee sticks, wands and needles, pain and hope. And in that moment a huge realization crashed over me: Snow Pea was about to be 9 months old and soon she will have been alive longer than she was growing in my tummy. But even bigger than that, one day, not today but one day God willing, she will be alive longer than the time we spent getting her here. One day I will be a mother for more time than I spent trying to be one. Even typing it now blows me away.

For some, this may not seem terribly exciting or emotional or noteworthy, but for me it's all of those things. It's the realization that while I will always be infertile and will never have a child without either the assistance of a medical team or the process of an adoption, I have nonetheless survived infertility. It's the realization that although the struggle of infertility nearly consumed three years of my life and has left wounds that will never fully heal, scars that will never disappear, my life is now consumed instead by my amazing daughter and one day soon that time will far surpass the time that came before it. Despite the pain that felt like it might strangle me at times, despite the moments that shook my hope & faith, despite the things I lost and will never get back, I survived. And although I am not exactly the same person I was before going in, I am happy with who I have become. Those three years are some of the biggest in my life and they will forever have an effect on me, but now I have also experienced 9 months of motherhood that have already changed me and effected even more.