Let's Do Lunch

Eliana's half birthday is fast approaching. In a couple of weeks she will be 6 months old and it will be time for my Snow Pea to begin actually eating peas! That's right it's almost solid food time! I had debated when to start solid foods for a while and after consulting my pediatrician and a few wise mommies, I chose to continue exclusive breastfeeding as long as I could. I have really just gotten the hang of the routine we're in now, so it made sense to keep it going as long as possible before adding a new element. But now that routine is about to change and really I know she's ready. She has been sitting in her high chair with us during dinner and everyday she sits up a bit better and gets a little more interested in watching us eat. Her eyes get so big as she stares at the forks and spoons in our hands and I just know she is going to love experiencing the new tastes and feelings of her first foods.

So with this big event coming up so quickly I have more decisions to make. What should her first food be? The conventional choice seems to be rice cereal, especially for babies that begin foods at 4 months since it is easy on little tummies and virtually no one is allergic to it, but since we are starting a little later we do have the option to start with almost any stage one food. If you have little eaters in your house, what food did you start with? I have some brown rice cereal ready to go and am leaning toward staying with the status quo and starting there, but I am so excited to see how she reacts to carrots and bananas and I get tempted to skip straight ahead to a fruit or veggie.

What food to give her is not the only decision I have been mulling over lately. I have also been contemplating it's preparation, specifically whether to buy or make my own baby food. Having worked with other people's children as a nanny for many years while I was in college, I have plenty of experience with those little jars of strained beans and pureed peaches and I have always just kind of assumed they would line my pantry when it came time for me to feed a child of my own. But now that she is here the idea of smashing her food myself has become really appealing to me. Not only will I know exactly what she is eating and that it is free from any crazy additives, the more I learn about it the more making baby food myself seems easy and fun!

Since I am not really much of a chef and I don't already own one, I ran out and bought a small, cheap food processor so that I'm ready to cream and puree. I don't know how good of a job my clearance appliance will do, but I figure it will give me taste of what it's like and I can always buy a better one later. Even better than buying one though would be winning one! And even better than winning a food processor would be winning an entire baby food system complete with food storage. Lee Ann at "The Life Of Rylie and Bryce Too!" is giving away a Baby Bullet system. I have watched the infomercial a few dozen times as well as some real life youtube demonstrations, and I gotta say, it is a really cool system not to adorable with that baby friendly smiley face on everything. I know I don't need to have an appliance with "baby" in the name, but I would still love to have this one! If you want to learn more about it and the giveaway you can find Lee Ann's post here. Does anyone out there have any experience with the Baby Bullet? What do you think?

So now the countdown is on. I have spoons, bowls & bibs ready to go, baby food recipe websites bookmarked and am on the hunt for freezer trays to store my creations. If you have any advice or words of wisdom for me before we get started, please feel free to share! Any recommendations on processors or storage systems are also very appreciated. And if you know anything about those hand held netting feeders please share that as well. When is a good time to introduce those and what is a good food to use with them? I have always assumed bananas were the best start with those but again, any advice is welcome! I am a little sad that my tiny little baby has grown up so much and will be eating real food soon, it is a big milestone and a big reminder that she won't be a baby forever. But I am also very excited to witness and take part in this exciting new stage. I can't wait to see her face covered in smiles and applesauce.

Birth Story Part 1: It Starts...

I feel like queen of the slackers lately. 6 weeks have passed since Snow Pea was born, and I have yet to write her birth story. I think about it every day and keep telling myself I will sit and write this post, but I never seem to actually do the writing part. So much of my last moments of pregnancy and her arrival into the world are still so fresh to me, it seems like I will always remember them, but I know the reality is that more and more details will slip my mind the longer I wait to write them down, so I have resolved to write at least part one of her birth story today. Beginning, of course, with the day before she was born.

The week after Snow Pea's official due date was full of hope, excitement and anxiety. Chad and I had spent lots of time reading up on and trying all of the old wives tales we could find to try coaxing Snow Pea into coming on her own but as my scheduled induction neared, we instead began emotionally embracing and preparing for that moment much as we did as children waiting for Christmas. We wanted to make the most of those last hours before heading into the hospital and they were so perfect and poignant for me, that this story really does start there.

We scheduled the induction for midnight on a Friday and at first I worried it would be a mistake to go into the hospital in the middle of the night, but once the last 24 hours began, I was so glad we made the decision we did. That day I created a "Last Day" list that included a few chores and errands I wanted to finish before we left, as well as a few fun things I wanted to enjoy. And because we went in at the end of the day, instead of the beginning, I was able to leisurely enjoy every moment of that last day. I went for long walk, rubbing my still pregnant belly the entire time, spent some time in Barnes & Noble enjoying a book and a coffee, met with a few of our closest friends for dinner and re-packed my hospital bag taking into account the reality that when I came home again, it would be as a family of three. It was undoubtedly the most exciting, anticipatory day of my life and when it was time to leave the house Chad and I were both nearly breathless from the butterflies flapping away in our stomachs. It was a drizzly drive down the freeway, and of course incredibly surreal as each mile went by.

After we arrived and signed all of the admittance paperwork I was brought to my room where I was asked to pee in a cup one last time and then change into a hospital gown. My nurse, Suzanne, seemed a bit insecure but she was sweet and took good care of me that night. She went over all of the admittance questions as she started my IV and the lowest dose of Pitocin. She showed Chad where he could go to get himself coffee and my hourly allowance of juice, popsicles or jello. After getting my ID bracelet on, Chad and I gave her our birth plan attached to a box of See's chocolate for her and the rest of the nursing staff. I am not sure if it was the chocolate or just that they liked us, but we did feel that we received excellent treatment from all of the labor and delivery staff.

Once the external contraction and heart rate monitors were on, she did a check of Snow Pea's and my status and found that I was between 80% effaced, 2 & 3centimeters dilated and Snow Pea was at -1 station. It was a good place to start and my contractions were very mild, so we took advantage of that early stage and got plenty of rest.

At about 4am my contractions were still very mild, too mild to be making much progress,so Dr.Casual ordered my water to be broken. In our childbirth classes the instructor showed us the slender plastic pokey stick they use to puncture the bag of waters and explained how quick,easy and painless the process is. Apparently my membranes missed that memo because it took the on-call OB a lot of time and effort to actually break my water, which was less than comfortable. The slight discomfort of having my water broken didn't compare to the discomfort of the contractions that followed. Literally within minutes my mild,easy contractions became surges of hard, hollow cramping pain. For about 3 hours I breathed and walked through each wave of pain, but by 7am and at close to 4cm, I succumbed to temptation and had my epidural placed by an anesthesiologist who could have taught a course in bedside manner, while I watched a gorgeous sunrise over Newport Harbor.

Shift change came and while I had liked my night nurse, I really loved Ashley who eventually became my nurse for the day. She was very sincere and easy to relate to. She kept telling us how happy she was for us and I could tell she really meant it. By mid-morning my epidural had made my contraction pain a distant memory but it had been replaced by the most insane itching of my life! No one had ever told me about the possibility of that side effect. It was unreal! The IV fluids coupled with being bed bound by the epidural also caused my feet and legs to swell to nearly epic proportions. I looked like I had sprouted sausages on the end of my torso. Ultimately though, I was able to sleep much better with the drugs than I ever would have without them, so Chad rubbed my legs for me in between naps as my body continued the slow and steady progression of labor.

Snow Pea's birth day was unbelievably exciting and surreal for me and Chad. We napped, chatted with the nurse, enjoyed a delicious lunch of jello and juice, watched the sailboats glide by outside our window and continually marveled at just how amazing and wonderful this whole thing was. I now realize that I was in labor for 18 hours before I began pushing, and it was another 3 hours until Snow Pea was finally born. Not a short amount of time by any means, but for us, giddily enjoying every second, the day seemed to fly by.

There were a few moments throughout the day when I worried I wasn't progressing enough. The nurse would come in to check me and hour after hour, my cervix would be exactly the same. I was so paranoid I would fall victim to the so-called "cascade of interventions" and my progression would stop altogether or Snow Pea would be put into distress and I would end up having to have a c-section, my greatest fear. Thankfully, Snow Pea was never stressed for a second, her heart rate stayed perfect throughout the entire labor and then all at once I went from 6cm to fully dilated. After laboring down for another hour so that Snow Pea could move into position, it was time to push. That's where the real story of her birth begins...

Why So Blue, Baby?

My baby girl is now nearly 10 days old, and for the first week of her life I was floating so high on a wave of happiness, I began to wonder whether the granddaddy of postpartum symptoms, "the baby blues" would visit me or if I had somehow lucked out and dodged the volatile emotions of the post-pregnancy hormone crash. Over the past few days I have seen that I am in no way that lucky, and I have been a hormonal, crying mess for quite a few of my waking hours.

The good news is I am still head over heels in love with my little girl. And my husband for that matter. If it were up to me and I could make the real world stop, I would hide away with the two of them in a little cocoon for a week or more, not interacting with anyone or anything else. I just want the two of them near me every second and I want everything else to stay at a distance, just for a little while until I feel like me again. But alas, the real world continues to move whether I want it to or not and this is the first morning that Chad has been back to the office. I am actually doing ok with it, mostly because I know he is only staying half a day and then working from home in the afternoon.

The thing making this period of baby blues hard on me is the loop of emotions and thoughts that I just need time to cope with. Not long ago I wrote this post about how excited I was to finally meet my precious Snow Pea, but also about how much I would miss being pregnant. I had no idea just how much I would miss it though. It was my identity for nearly nine months. I don't think it's something you even realize at the time but being pregnant becomes a part of who you are and how the world sees you. It's a lot like leaving a relationship or a job, once it's over, you have to adjust to a new description of yourself, a new role and I miss having "pregnant" be one of my descriptors. I spent years trying to attain that role and I cherished every second, now I am sad to say goodbye to it. I miss being out and feeling that special glow of attention that the belly attracted. I miss talking with friends about the latest symptom or developmental milestone. I miss the special moments with Chad or by myself just rubbing my belly and feeling the life inside. When she was in my belly, I felt every squirm, every hiccup. Chad could lay his head on my tummy and hear every thump of her little heart. I was never alone. No matter what I did or where I went she was always closer to me than anyone had ever been. We were connected.

One of my favorite times of day the past nine months was our mornings together. Each day, me and my belly went for a walk and although I often used that time to catch up on phone calls with friends and family, it was also a special time for me and Snow Pea. I loved seeing my belly grow through my various workout clothes, loved rubbing my tummy as I walked, love the smiles I received from neighbors out tending to their yards as I strolled by. Even more special to me, I realized this morning, was my post walk shower. Every morning, I cranked the Journey station on my Pandora and serenaded my sweet girl with goofy 80's rock ballads, imagining how she would respond to them once she was born after hearing them in utero for so long. For the entire 9 months of my pregnancy I always felt that connection, I always felt her presence, but in the shower this morning I realized for the first time since she was born that I was in there alone. I could sing all I wanted but, Eliana, asleep in the next room, wouldn't hear me. It was a bittersweet realization because I absolutely adore having her in my arms but I also miss having her in my belly. I sometimes still rub my tummy out of a nearly year long habit and feel wistful at the absence of her presence there.

I think part of what makes me miss being pregnant so much though, isn't just the feeling of missing her, it's the way I made the transition from being pregnant to not. I thought I was over it. Days after her birth, before I even left the hospital, I was so elated and so relieved to have my sweet baby in the world, in my arms that I truly felt at peace with my unplanned, unexpected c-section delivery. She was here and that was all that mattered. But now that the dust has settled and the hormones have crept in, I feel robbed of the full childbirth experience and of the time immediately following her arrival into the world. I am planning to write her full birth story soon, hopefully when I am feeling less weepy, so I won't get into a lot of detail now, but I will tell you I was incredibly close to a vaginal delivery and everyone involved did all they could to make that happen, but it just didn't work out. And I am eternally grateful that she is here safe and sound, but I can't help but long for that birth experience and feel jealous of those that have had it.

The worst part of a c-section and what no one ever told me, is that as soon as the baby is free from your body, they shoot you full of drugs that leave you completely out of it, just short of comatose. Which means that I have only the vaguest of memories of those first few moments of her life. She was also born quite a few shades too pale with some swelling on her head on difficulty breathing, so she was taken to the nursery for care and observation and rather than spending those first hours of her life with her and Chad in our own little world, choosing her name and forming a family bond, I was alone and drugged while Chad tried to balance his time between visiting me and her on two different floors of the hospital.

Before you start to worry about me and my mental state, please know that I don't spend every second feeling this way. I am not feeling depressed or irrational. Just blue. It has only been two days of weepiness and it's not constant or overpowering. I do more than cry, I still smile and laugh throughout the day too. I am eating and sleeping and taking care of myself. I don't think there is anything wrong with me, I am just coping with the craziness of these hormonal changes while also coming to terms with a couple of valid, emotional changes. But I have a great support system and some decent coping skills thanks to dealing with the emotions of infertility and the crazy hormonal swings that come with fertility treatments, and this too shall pass. I am just keeping my eye on that light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that I am definitely not the first to have baby blues and that I will come through to the other side of them very soon.

Evicting My Heart

It's official, Snow Pea has been served a request to vacate. I met with my doctor yesterday and reviewed the current situation. Snow Pea is currently in perfect position and I am dilated about 2cm. The amniotic fluid levels are currently safe but they are definitely on the decline. Because of this, and because we know without a doubt exactly how long I have been pregnant to the minute thanks to FET, Chad, my doctor and I have agreed that if she does not come on her own sooner, I will be admitted to the hospital at 12am on Saturday the 9th to begin the official eviction process. This is not a decision we are making lightly. We have reviewed all the different aspects of what is entailed and reasons to do it versus not, and I truly feel that this is the right choice for us and our baby.

Of course, I am still holding out a bit of hope that she will surprise us all and come on her own before tomorrow night, but I am at peace with the knowledge that either way my sweet baby girl will be in my arms before the weekend is over. It is also incredibly surreal though to have this knowledge though. Part of me feels like a kid the day before Christmas, so excited and giddy and in awe of the day that is about to be here. And another part of me is becoming very sentimental and wistful. My pregnancy is nearly at an end. I truly will miss it. This has been the most magical and wonderful nine months of my life and I have wanted it for so very long. As much as I want to hold my daughter in my arms, I will so miss feeling her inside my tummy. I will miss her hiccups and feeling her kick when Chad reads to her. I will miss rubbing my hand over my belly, knowing that she is on the other side. I am thrilled and honored that I get to be her mommy for the rest of my life, but I also know that I will never be pregnant with her again. As excited as I am to say hello to her and to motherhood, I am a bit sad to say goodbye to pregnancy. Even if I have other children one day, this special time with this special child will never come again. Which, now that I think about it, is a feeling I will experience for the rest of my life. Each milestone she reaches in her life will probably feel a lot like this. I will be over the moon excited to hear her first words and see her first steps, but it will also be bittersweet because it will mark a transition from a stage of her life that I won't get to do over.

Which is why I am taking today to really celebrate my pregnancy and the joy of having my Snow Pea here in my belly, closer than she will ever physically be to me again. I'm taking walks and talking to her as I do, telling her all about the world that is waiting for her. I am rubbing my tummy every chance I get and stopping at every reflective surface I pass to marvel at my pregnant body. After 9 months, I still can't believe it is my reflection I am seeing when I look into a mirror and see a round belly there. I feel so incredibly grateful to be where I am and still don't quite understand what I did to get so lucky. I'm just overwhelmed with love and gratitude for this pregnancy and my daughter.

In addition to being rather emotional and weepy, I am trying to also be responsible and take advantage of these last pre-baby hours. Tomorrow, Chad is taking a half day from work and we are planning to re-pack and be sure we know where everything is, enjoy a meal together, see a movie and take a really good, long nap. I am also planning to take the longest shower in history, because next to sleep, this is one thing all new mothers seem to miss most. I am also wracking my brain to think of any other errands, chores or fun activities I should do now while it is still possible. If you have any other suggestions or things you wish you had done those last days before baby, please feel free to share!

Right now, sitting alone in my house, quietly writing this blog, I keep thinking about how different life will be soon and I can't quite wrap my head around it. Things will never be the same. I will not be able to think of only myself anymore, or be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, like sitting here in the middle of the day, aimlessly writing a blog with no distractions or interruptions. Even though pregnancy requires you to think about the life inside you and it effects the choices you make, I know it will be nothing compared to motherhood. This morning when I woke up, I could still roll over and hit snooze, but I won't be able to do that with a crying baby. Far beyond things like that however, I know my heart will never be the same. I already love this child so much more than I ever could have imagined or explain. And even though she hasn't been born yet, I know that the saying about being a parent is to have your heart walking outside your body is true. My love for my daughter has already forever changed me and I can't wait to tell her how much I love her face to face.

In Due Time

Today is April 2, 2011. I have been reciting that date for nearly 9 months, every time someone asked me when I was due. And here it is, the official due date. My daughter on the other hand does not seem especially interested in such dates or predictions as she has given no indication that she is in a hurry to join the outside world yet.

My last appointment with Dr. Casual was Wednesday and we learned that Snow Pea has definitely dropped into position but other than that progress has still been slow. I was dilated about 1.5cm and still not fully effaced. There was enough progress though to justify stripping my membranes again. It was definitely not the most comfortable experience, but we were all hopeful it would work. As you can tell from the subject of this post, it didn't have the desired effect so now I have an office appointment this upcoming Wednesday to evaluate induction options. Unless of course, she decides to come on her own sooner, which of course we're all hoping for.

Unlike my labor progress, Snow Pea's growth progress has not been so slow. According to the ultrasound measurements she is keeping up with the half pound a week weight gain and was measuring 8.5 pounds. Which means if she does indeed stay put until Wednesday there is a very real possibility that I will be giving birth to a 9 pound baby! Being born at less than 7 pounds myself, I never would have expected this, but I know I won't be the first to deliver a 9 pound baby and honestly her size doesn't worry me when it comes to labor any more than if she were 6 pounds. It is really the clothes I can't stop thinking about! I have the greatest homecoming outfit specially made for Snow Pea by a wonderful friend from twitter and there is a very good chance she will never fit into it. But really I know that I could bring her home in a potato sack and I wouldn't care because it is HER I am dying to see, not her cute, tiny clothes.

Snow Pea though, does not seem nearly as anxious to see us as we are to see her. I have the distinct feeling that is just nice and cozy in there and doesn't feel like moving yet. Her daddy is the same way when he is comfortable, he just doesn't want to budge and he is incredibly stubborn about it. I can't count the number of times I have heard him whine "just 5 more minutes" only to find him in the exact same position half an hour later. Even though I can't actually hear Snow Pea's voice yet, I get the sense that she is doing the same thing. She would come out, she is just way too comfy right now.

Watching my due date come and go without her arrival isn't exactly what I was expecting or hoping for but I do know that she has to come eventually. There are only so many times she can hit the snooze button before she really does have to get up. I wish I had met her days ago, but the day is coming, it will happen and it will be amazing whether it is today or 3 days from now. She can't stay in there forever, right?

Labor Cookies

The countdown continues...5 days until Snow Pea's official due date. Chad and I keep hoping that she will decide to make an early appearance but it seems she is still pretty comfortable for now. So this weekend we split our time between enjoying quality pre-parent time together and trying everything we could think of to coax our daughter to come out and meet us.

I have been talking to her a lot, telling her all about the world that is waiting to meet her, and how amazing it all is. I love sitting in her room and feeling her move while I talk to her or sing her song. Chad has also been reading to her, the same book he has read since Christmas, and it always seems to get a reaction from her. I especially make sure he emphasizes the last lines "It's a scrumptulous world and it's ready to greet you, and as for myself, well I can't wait to meet you!" I know that technically she can't understand what we are saying but I think the feelings get through, and she knows how much we love her and can't wait to be her mommy and daddy.

We have also been trying some more direct approaches to help labor along, like walking, lots and lots of walking. Saturday I think we walked a total of 5 times. Every time we realized that we had nothing specific we were doing, we walked. It clearly didn't start my labor yet, but it still felt good to get out and about. Chad has also very kindly been rubbing my feet after these walks, paying extra close attention to the supposed acupressure points located there that are said to cause contractions. A twitter friend also gave me link to a recipe for so-called "Jump Start Your Labor Cookies", which you can read about by clicking here. Of course, I have never thought there was any real way something I eat could cause labor to start, but honestly the recipe sounded delicious and as soon as I read it I was craving them. Besides, what a great excuse to scarf down some yummy cookies!

So yesterday, we ventured out to procure the ingredients and get baking. Not only was it a lot of fun to spend time in the kitchen with Chad making silly puns and jokes about baking and ovens, I was right, the cookies turned out amazing! So good in fact that of the 3 trays we made yesterday, only 10 cookies remain. Chad was especially addicted to them and had forcibly remove them from sight to stop himself from eating any more. I enjoyed my fair share too, while sipping on red raspberry leaf tea, which is said to strengthen uterine contractions.

As expected, none of this got my labor going, but it was still so worth it and made for a great memory for us. We also took advantage of our weekend and enjoyed a lot of other great moments. Friday night we enjoyed a long, leisurely coffee date and again on Saturday we had nice long lunch together. We slept in every morning and took naps every afternoon. Of course, we both can't help but wish we were sleepily holding our little girl instead, but we know these carefree, rested days will soon be gone, so we are doing our best to enjoy them while we can. After all, even if she decides to come late, she is coming! And in the meantime I am going to continue to enjoy dreaming of her and snacking on some mighty delicious cookies.

Infertility Gratitude

I'm tired, my back is killing me, my rib cage feels like it will burst at any second, and don't even get me started on how swollen my feet are. As I enter the final 6 weeks (!!!) of pregnancy, I can almost understand why I have heard so many pregnant women exclaim that they can't wait for it to be over. I know I am truly excited to meet my daughter and become a mommy, but despite all of the aches and pains I can't say that I am ready for it to be over yet. Not only do I still have a TON to do, I still absolutely love being pregnant! And oddly enough, I think I have infertility to thank for that.

At the beginning of this pregnancy, I had a hard time accepting it was really happening and allowing myself to celebrate. After 3 years of infertility and a miscarriage, my heart was very guarded and afraid. To be honest, it goes even deeper than that because so much of what I have experienced has changed me forever and I will always be a different person than I was before infertility, IVF, and miscarriage became a reality in my life. The good news is I like the person I am now, despite the scars, and I did finally begin to allow myself to enjoy my pregnancy, although I have stayed slightly guarded the entire time.

Some of the biggest things that helped me to accept and enjoy being pregnant were the very things I hear so many other non-fertility challenged women complain about. My first bout of gag-inducing, sitting in the bathroom all day, horrendous nausea was cause for extreme celebration! I happily texted and tweeted the world that I had almost lost my lunch. And although, I couldn't get my to-do list done to save my life, I was incredibly thrilled when the first trimester exhaustion took over my life as my sweet baby grew. With each new symptom came new reasons to celebrate. They have continually reminded me that my pregnancy is healthy and that my daughter is thriving.

My heartburn and leg cramps, while painful, have also allowed to have a little glimpse of what it would be like to be a "regular" pregnant woman. Granted, my pregnancy IS completely and totally normal. How I conceived has absolutely no effect whatsoever on how my pregnancy actually develops, but the world doesn't always know that. Many people assume I am high risk because of the fertility drugs or the FET itself, but the truth is my body and the medical community see my pregnancy as if it had begun the old-fashioned way. But even though I know that to be true, with everything I have gone through to be here and everything I know as a result, I very seldom feel "regular".

I can't imagine what it would feel like to be one of the blissfully unaware. One of those ladies that chucks her birth control and just lets nature take its course, and then have that actually work without any additional knowledge or intervention. How amazing it must be to experience pregnancy without all the worries and baggage that come along with surviving infertility, or to be able to share every teeny milestone and ultrasound picture without infertility survivor's guilt, or to have extra money to start your child's college fund instead of paying back IVF induced debt. I wonder how many of the families who experience a struggle-free road to pregnancy know how lucky they are. I also wonder if those who have never experienced loss know it too. What I wonder most though is what kind of pregnant woman I would have been if had never gone through what I did. Would I rejoice over back pain? Or would I be on Facebook complaining about my sore muscles at every opportunity?

I am in no way trying to attack or criticize anyone who has not dealt with loss or infertility, merely trying to explain how different the experience is for me because I have experienced these things. I think in many ways that what I have gone through to become a parent has been a blessing. My husband and I have developed a closeness and a connection deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I have found a wealth of love and support from friends and family and met new friends that have enriched my life beyond belief. I have learned more and more about the realities of infertility and become a part of the voice for advocacy in the infertile community. I am now proud to be outspoken and educate others on these issues. I have enjoyed every single moment of my pregnancy, even the difficult and painful ones. I also have a feeling that our experiences with infertility will keep Chad and I thankful later when we're dealing with the realities and challenges of parenthood. And even though I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have had an easier road to becoming a mom, I can't imagine my journey any other way, and for that I am grateful.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again

This past week I was working on updating my Belly Book pregnancy journal, reviewing past blog entries to double check on certain dates and events when I came across this: "I am continuing to stay hopeful I will hold Snow Pea in my arms, happy and healthy very soon. 9 weeks down, 31 to go." Now take that time line and reverse it. Holy crap, right? I .mean, WOW! seriously, has that much time passed already? In all fairness, I am not officially 31 weeks until this Saturday but still, the time reversal applies. My baby girl will be here before I know it! And there have been lots of little ways I have been reminded of that lately.

Shopping for instance. I was at the store today and had lots of big reminders of my nearing due date in my face as soon as I walked in the door, namely lots and lots of Easter gear for sale. Snow Pea is due 3 weeks before Easter so seeing plastic eggs, wicker baskets and pastel candies everywhere really made me notice that she will be here sooner rather than later. Of course, I know retail sores do tend to push this stuff on to the shelves way before it's necessary, but even though I always mock the early holiday sales, those events do tend to get here quicker than I expect.

We also have finally begun preparations on Snow Pea's room. We live in a two bedroom and we've had quite a few guests in the past couple of months, so we delayed converting our guest room for a little while so that our visitors would have a comfy bed to sleep on. After visiting for two fantastic weeks, my little sister just left yesterday and by the end of the night our guest bed had found a new home. Today, I began boxing and moving all of our books and Friday we have painters coming to turn the wall from neutral to nursery. I can't wait to really get this room going and see it go from an office/guest room into our baby's room! I promise to post updates and pics.

Yet another reminder of just how close my due date is getting, tomorrow is our last childbirth class. It feels like we just started them and now they are already at an end. This past Sunday we also had a tour of labor/delivery and the mother baby unit at our hospital. It was so exciting to see the rooms that Snow Pea will be born in. The rooms are really nice and some even have gorgeous ocean views. I know I am probably a freak but I am starting to get so excited about the birth! Not just the end result of finally meeting my daughter face to face, I am also excited to experience labor and delivery itself! I know I might not still feel this way when it really does get close though, so feel free to remind me I said this. The tour made me realize I am a little behind on preparing though. Apparently I should have pre-registered at the hospital by now and I have yet to do that but luckily it's as easy as mailing in a form and a copy of our insurance card so I am not worried about getting it done.

Oh and last week I got to see my OB again, and this time I saw MY doctor and not his annoying alternate. This visit went so much better than the last. Dr. Casual continued to be true to his nickname and was very relaxed and laid back throughout the visit. We discussed how classes were going, our search for a pediatrician and touched on some basic labor preferences like whether I'd like an epidural. He did a short ultrasound that showed Snow Pea is currently breech but he said chances are she will turn head down in plenty of time for delivery since only about 3% babies that are breech at this point still are by the time they are full term. Then he pointed out the position of her head inside my tummy and showed Chad and I so that we could actually grab her head through my skin! It was crazy! Very weird and surreal but also kind of cool.

I am sure some of you are also wondering if Dr. Casual discussed the weight concerns with me but he didn't even mention it and I didn't bring it up. I am officially of the position that my last appointment had much more to do with water retention than anything because at this visit I was a full four pounds lighter than the last. This just reaffirmed for me that I will not be seeing Dr. Inconsiderate again if I can help it and that all of you were completely right when you told me not to worry. Thank you so much to everyone that sent comments of support. You have no idea how much it really did help.

Overall, though I just can't stop thinking about that blog I wrote at 9 weeks and how much has happened since then. It feels like some sort of crazy time warp sometimes. Honestly, it feels like just yesterday I was anxiously writing about my beta results, still in utter disbelief that this FET worked and now here I am anxiously searching for a pediatrician and hoping I can get the room finished in time. Part of me can't wait for Snow Pea to be here but another part of me will be sad to see this time come to end. As an infertility and IVF survivor I have definitely had a different and sometimes more anxious pregnancy than many others may have, but overall I truly have enjoyed being pregnant these past 7 months. It has been a dream come true. From seeing the 1st flutter of a heartbeat to feeling those 1st flutters to experiencing real kicks and the bonding that comes with them, there have been some amazing moments so far. Sometimes I wish I could take a jump to the left and a step to the right to relive some of those magical moments of this pregnancy all over again. Luckily, I still have 2 months left to enjoy and I will definitely soak up every second.



P.S. My hubby started a project 365 that will follow us in 2011 through a picture a day. Please stop by and take a look! It started on January 1st so feel free to scroll back see what we've been doing so far this year. http://greggpad.blogspot.com/

We also have a baby website with more belly and u/s pics as well as a timeline of Snow Pea's growth and a doppler video. I will continue to update it with news and pictures so please stop by if you're interested! http://snowpea.ourbabychannel.com/

Weighty Realizations

Today is results day. My one hour glucose tolerance test for gestational diabetes test was last week and this morning I went in for my bi monthly OB appointment, knowing that I would also be getting back the results of that test. I, of course, like anyone else, hoped that I would pass so that I could avoid the longer, more involved 3 hour glucose tolerance test and strict gestational diabetes diet. I felt pretty optimistic this morning that I would get good news though, and enjoyed my drive to the office as I stared in the rearview mirror at the gorgeous snow covered mountains behind me. Now that I have been to my appointment, I have good news and bad news.

Throughout my pregnancy, it has been important to me to keep my weight gain within the recommended limits. I haven't been counting calories or obsessing over what to eat, but I have been mindful of it, and also been staying active with daily walks (usually twice daily if my schedule allows it). I have a had a few tiny jumps in weight gain, and although my numbers have been higher than I expected at some OB visits, I have always stayed within the range. After my last OB visit, I resolved to be easier on myself mentally and not worry about whether my weight gain was a pound or two higher than expected since, while occasionally on the high end, I have still consistently stayed in the healthy range.

I haven't gotten much bigger since my last appointment and I've been told by a few friends that I still don't even look pregnant except for my round belly. I am still able to cross my legs, move around easily and even wear some pre-pregnancy clothes (including at least one pair of pants!) With this appointment being right after the holidays, I fully expected my number on the scale to be a bit higher than what is expected in a two week period. But having this in mind, I was prepared and I felt good. I was not, however, at all prepared for what actually happened this morning. I stepped on the scale totally ready for a higher than normal 3 pound jump, but instead I shot up 6! In two weeks! Which puts me over the recommended weight gain for this stage of pregnancy. In fact, after today, I have just about reached my total recommended weight gain for the entire pregnancy, and I still have 12 weeks to go. I did not handle this realization well. At all.

As soon as the nurse left and I had time to process what the scale had said, I got a little teary eyed. Then Chad hugged me and tried to soothe me and I teared a little more. Then I tried to articulate why I was so upset and a full tear made it out and rolled down my cheek. Then the OB came in and asked what was wrong and I lost it. Full on cry fest in the exam room. It was mortifying but I couldn't make it stop. I told her my concerns and after looking at my chart, she agreed that, yes I was gaining too much. Well, that didn't help the sobbing. She kept saying it would be ok and that I'd just have to eat well and exercise from here on. Which pissed me off because I have been doing that! I will admit, I have not eaten nearly as well or exercised as much over the holidays, but I also have not been stuffing my face with fries and milkshakes and I have still gotten a few good walks in.

The whole thing just made me feel so bad about myself. I have worked so incredibly hard to get here and I was already failing as a mother, not taking good enough care of myself or my baby. I just couldn't stop crying. And for some reason, me crying made Dr. Inconsiderate keep talking about it. All I wanted her to do was stop. The more she talked, the more I wanted her to shut up. I kept trying to pull myself together but her chit chat about how it was bad but not that bad and I could turn it around and slow things down and yadda yadda yadda just kept me from being able to take a deep breath and calm down. I know she was trying to help, but really she was making it worse. Finally she left the room to get my glucose test results and I was able to get it together a little bit.

The great news is I passed the glucose test with flying colors. No gestational diabetes for me and no need for the 3 hour test. The bad news is, I am on the carb/sugar restricted diet anyway for my weight gain. The only things I have consistently craved since day one has been cereal and fruit. I am addicted to apples, tangerines, pears and grapefruit as well as just about anything made from grain or rice with milk poured over it. Turns out that my biggest pregnancy cravings, while they haven't been fast food or doughnuts, are still my biggest downfall. These foods are filled with pound packing carbs that apparently are sabotaging my healthy goals. So now I have to give them up. Which really doesn't bother me nearly as much as the risk of hurting mine or Snow Pea's chances at having the rest of this pregnancy and the following labor/delivery being as healthy as possible. But it still kinda sucks.

I am also incredibly embarrassed that my emotions got the better of me while at the OB's office. I keep daydreaming about going back to do this morning's appointment over again, this time without looking at the scale or having the subsequent melt down. I had other things I wanted to talk about and go over but once the weight conversation started, pretty much everything else was out the window. Luckily, when I go back in two weeks I will be seeing Dr. Casual again and I know that his much more laid back and non-intrusive bedside manner will be much easier to deal with so that I can discuss other things and not worry as much about any of this.

I am trying really hard not to beat myself up about this. I have told Chad I will need his help emotionally to get through the hit on my self esteem, and while I know he has no idea what to do or say, he has really been there with kind, encouraging words and a few wonderfully long hugs. For that I am incredibly grateful. I also can't help but feel guilty for being so upset. Last year, I would have killed to have this be my biggest problem and cried that someone else was crying about gaining extra pregnancy weight when all I wanted to was to be pregnant. And when I remember that, it puts everything into perspective a bit. Am I unhappy about the extra weight? Yes. Would I trade this unhappiness for anything else? Hell no. So, I might go over the recommended weight gain. So, I won't win pregnant woman of the year. So what? I have realized a dream I once feared may never happen. I have a healthy baby growing inside me and that is SO much more important than some stupid scale.

Lemony- Lime Goodness

Well it is my last blog post of 2010 and if you know about all that has happened in my life this year, I am sure you can imagine that I have a lot to reflect on as we enter into 2011. And of course, I have a lot on my mind and in my heart to blog about on the end of this year and the start of the next. I think I will wait until 2011 has officially begun to share these thoughts though, because there still are a few hours left of 2010 left and I want to be able to reflect on those moments too.

So while I wait for 2011, I will tell you about my very last lab appointment of the year. Yesterday was my glucose test to check for gestational diabetes. I have been kinda nervous about this one from the beginning. No one is ever very excited about getting done it done and the details never sounded particularly fun. If you don't already know, the GD test (which stands for gestational diabetes, not a colorful swear word) basically requires you to fast overnight, then drink a sugary glucose drink in the lab and have your blood drawn exactly one hour later. They test your blood's glucose levels to determine how well your body is processing sugars. If you "pass" you're done and can carry on. If not, you have to test again, this time with a 3 hour glucose test where blood is drawn every hour for 3 hours with nothing in your stomach but the sugary glucose solution.

It might not sound too terrible, and truthfully it's not, but just thinking about not being allowed to eat right when you hit the point of pregnancy where you are literally always hungry, was enough to make me a little anxious. But I scheduled my test early in the day so that I'd only have to starve for that hour plus the time it took me to get dressed and to the lab. And you know what they say about the best laid plans....

I was running a little bit late all morning, with my tummy ferociously growling at me for food. I did my best to push thoughts of food aside and make sure I was ready to walk out the door. I finally made it to the lab only 2 minutes after my scheduled time, which was perfectly fine according the tech. I signed in, handed her my insurance card, validated my parking and moved to sit in the waiting room when she asked for the lab orders I'd received from the doctor. CRAP! I had completely forgotten about that paperwork and left it at home. Of all the preggo brain moments to have, adding a half an hour to my fasting time so that I could go home and get that lab form was the worst! I would have rather been wearing two different shoes, or none at all (as I have heard is a common preggo brain slip) than force myself to wait 30 more minutes before I could eat.

So home I went, and to the lab I returned. And when I got there I was given a small bottle of clear liquid labeled "glucose drink lemon-lime" and was told to suck it down within 5 minutes. Knowing I had to finish it in 5 minutes the bottle suddenly didn't look quite so small, but sucked it down I did. It was cold and sweet and just as others have told me, it really did taste a lot like flat sprite. Snow Pea started bouncing around like crazy the second it hit my stomach and feeling her kick and twirl in my belly actually helped the hour wait for the blood draw pass fairly quickly. There is something about feeling her move like that, that is just awe-inspiring. I frequently get overwhelmed with love for her when she is dancing and making her presence known. I love the feeling so much, and as much as I can't wait to have her out here in the world so we can meet face to face, I know I will miss feeling her sweet little kicks inside my tummy.

Toward the end of my hour, I was admittedly getting a little cranky with no food in my belly but my blood was drawn quickly and easily and I was sent on my way. Then I spent a grumpy few minutes hustling through traffic to Chik-fil-A where I treated myself to the very last chicken biscuit they served that day. Ah food after an 11 hour fast is yummy! I wish I could tell you the results of my glucose test, but you know how lab work goes and it will be a few days to process. Hopefully my doctor's office will have it in time to give me the results at my next appointment on Tuesday. I am really hoping I pass the first time out so that I don't have to take the 3 hour test!

Before I finish up I also want to quickly tell you that last night, Snow Pea really made it know that she knows her Daddy's voice and loves hearing it. I have been trying to get Chad to talk to her more so that she will recognize his voice when she's born. He feels kind of awkward about it though, so for Christmas I got him lots of children's books to read so it would feel less weird. He has read a few times but last night she really got into it. She had been still for a while, but as soon as he started reading, she perked up and began moving almost as fiercely as she had with the glucose that morning. Then I could feel her move across my belly toward the sound of his voice, like she was trying to get closer to him. It was amazing! It reminds me that as much as I love and adore her before she's even been born, she loves us too. I so love these special moments and I can't wait to have even more of them once she is here in my arms.

Happy New Year!

Happy Heartbeat

Once again way too long of a break between posts. I am starting to feel like a broken record apologizing for my long blog absences. I am sure you all have been frantically refreshing my page looking for new updates. No? Well, that's ok too.

The past few weeks have been good ones. On December 6, I turned 28. It was a surreal birthday experience. I remembered how difficult and emotional my birthday had felt last year. Birthdays always seem to make us look back at what we wish he had done the previous year and what we hope to do in the new one. For an infertile, birthdays can be especially difficult because each year is a year lost. We know that as we get older the already difficult time we're having creating a family, just gets more difficult. And of course there is always the year you turn the age you always believed you'd be a mother by. That milestone past a few years ago for me, which only made the subsequent childless birthdays that much more emotional. It was bad enough not to be a mom by my "dream age", each birthday I was another year past it!

You may have guessed that, for the past few years my birthday wish has been to get pregnant. Now that I finally am, I was at a bit of a loss as to what to wish for when I blew out the candles this year. It was strange, amazing and wonderful to not know what wish to make this time around. (I finally did figure it out, but I have to keep it to myself or it won't come true!) It was even more wonderful to be celebrating the new life I will be beginning this year- my life as a mom!

More happy things have happened since turning 28. This past Thursday for example was as normal a day as any other until Chad and I were laying in bed. It has become part of his nighttime ritual to rest his hand on my tummy and feel Snow Pea kick. That night, he decided it would be funny to get her to kick him in the head, so he rested his head on my stomach and started talking to get her to move. He got an even bigger surprise though when he realized he could hear her tiny little heart beating through my stomach!. His face was priceless as he realized it and as soon as he told me what he was hearing, I welled up with tears. It was just so amazing! I felt so connected to both Snow Pea and Chad in that moment. Our family felt so real, and I was overwhelmed with love for both of them. I was of course, a teeny bit jealous that I couldn't hear her heartbeat too. I kept telling him how unfair it is that I am so close to her little heart but I can't bend over and hear her. Of course, I have heard her on doppler but it just doesn't seem the same. He tapped the rhythm on my arm for me, as he continued listening until finally we forced ourselves to go to sleep.

Yesterday, I finally got to hear her little heart myself when we went in for a monthly OB appointment. Of course, it was on the doppler so it wasn't nearly as exciting as what Chad got to hear the other night, but it is still the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and I was happy to listen. We met with the partner OB for the first time. Chad refers to her as Dr. Inconsiderate because she accidentally went in to see another patient and after she realized her mistake didn't seem too concerned with having made us wait. I didn't mind too much, but Chad who was on break from a busy day at work was pretty annoyed.

Dr. Inconsiderate was friendly though and said everything was looking perfect with both me and Snow Pea. Her oldest child was born from FET too so it was cool to talk to an OB that really understood everything we had been through to get here. Before the appointment ended she handed me a lab order for the dreaded glucose test and told me I needed to go before my next appointment, which she then informed me would be in 2 weeks! Holy wow! I knew that once you got to your third trimester, appointments were every two weeks, instead of every four, but I can't believe I am about to be at that point!

In case you are wondering, as of today I am 25 weeks 4 days pregnant with about 15 weeks to go! It seems like it is flying by. I guess when compared with how long it took until I had a healthy, viable pregnancy, nine months really isn't a very long time. Although I have heard that time slows down when you get really close to delivery day so we'll see if this warp speed feeling lasts. Maybe it just feels like it is flying by because I am enjoying it so much! Time flies when you are having fun, right? I really am having so much fun watching my body grow with new life and bonding with this little miracle before she is even born. I just can't wait until the day I can hear her sweet heartbeat for myself as she is laying in my arms.

Halfway to Reality

This week I am 20 weeks pregnant, halfway there! I can't believe it! The first half of this pregnancy has been nothing short of wonderful. Sure I had some nausea, some trouble sleeping, and I've missed many a funny movie quote thanks to my 300th trip to the bathroom, but none of that compares to living this miracle.

Not long ago, I had begun to question if motherhood would ever happen for me. I spent so long on the exhausting journey to get here that I couldn't imagine any other way of life. I felt like a hamster stuck in a wheel that was doomed to go around and around but never reach my destination. To actually see the progress of each day and to reach this amazing milestone feels like a true miracle. And this week has provided many amazing milestones for me, Chad and Snow Pea.

About 4 weeks ago I began feeling the first flutters of Snow Pea moving around in my tummy. At first I thought I might be imagining things or making them up because I was so anxious to feel something, but when another friend described what her flutters felt like, I knew it was exactly what I felt too. I was amazed and excited. I spent many free moments sitting as still as possible to see if I could feel it again. For the past week or so though, sitting still has stopped being necessary. I no longer feel little flutters but all out baby flips! She is so so crazy active, I jump in surprise regularly when I feel her thump me from inside.

Feeling such distinct movement is all at once amazing and bizarre. I feel so much more connected to her when she makes herself known like that, she feels so much more real and alive. But it also is a little freaky when she whacks me out of nowhere and I am sometimes reminded of a certain famous scene from "Alien". Honestly though, I love it and have been anxious for the day when Chad could feel her move too. I researched the time line of when that usually happens and was sad to read it's typically another month before the baby can be felt from the outside. This past Sunday though she was moving so fiercely, I thought there was no way he wouldn't be able to feel it. So I lay in bed and pressed his hand to my tummy, and shortly after she thumped, hard. I turned to Chad and his eyes were huge and beyond excited. He felt her too! It was incredible. Feeling her move was wonderful enough but it feels even better to be able to share it with him.

The next day we were excited to be able to see our precious Snow Pea again at the 20 week anatomy scan. Some of you may already know there was some drama surrounding this particular ultrasound and whether my insurance would cover it. My OB's office warned me that they have never received a payout on this claim because my company deems it unnecessary unless it is a high risk pregnancy. Chad and I spent days researching the policy, the claim history at the hospital, and the uses of this particular scan. We still are not 100% sure if our claim will be paid, but after talking it over we agreed that we had come much too far and fought much too hard to take any chances now. This is the ultrasound that can potentially find any heart defects or other abnormalities and if there is a problem, knowing about in advance can potentially save our baby's life. Once we realized that, there was no question about what we would do. (Of course I reserve the right to blog an angry rant if our insurance does deny our claim)

The scan itself went well. Snow Pea stayed true to her behavior the previous day and moved around like crazy. She literally did somersaults and flipped position many times, starting out head down and then quickly moving into the exact opposite position and then moving into a completely different spot after that. The poor tech had a lot of trouble getting some of the pictures she needed, particularly of the heart. The good news is, Snow Pea finally did stay still long enough to get those important images, and she gave Chad and I some extra time to watch her on screen.

Since the tech doesn't do the interpretation, we won't have any official reports until my OB appointment next week, but from what I gathered Snow Pea is doing well. She is still a she and measuring pretty much right on target. She is about 14 ounces now and the size of a cantaloupe! The coolest part of the scan was seeing her move on screen and feeling it at the exact same time. I teared up a bit at that moment, it was just such an incredible connection. This isn't just some picture on the screen, this is a baby, my baby, my daughter and she is living and growing inside me. Despite my difficulty believing it, this is real, I am no longer living in the hamster wheel. Every day things progress more and more and I am one day closer to reaching my destination, one step closer to being a mom.

Facebook: The Final Frontier

I have a confession, maybe it won't be a big revelation for you but for me it's a big thing to admit. I still don't really believe this pregnancy is real. I have seen the ultrasounds, felt the nausea, read the books, peed a million times but I just have a hard time accepting it. And an even harder time telling people about it.

I feel like I am caught in between worlds right now. I spent years trying to get pregnant. I finally succeeded and then lost my first pregnancy. For that reason Chad and I agreed to keep this pregnancy much closer to the vest. Very few people even knew when our FET took place and even fewer knew about our BETA when it happened. I even waited until we had a rise before sharing on twitter or my blog (something that was not easy for me). And now even though I am firmly in my second trimester I still get butterflies every time we tell someone about the pregnancy. I just don't feel completely comfortable in the "pregnant world" and I don't feel as accepted in my comfort zone of the TTC/IF world anymore since I am in fact pregnant.

We have actually been telling more and more people though, and just about everyone among our families and friends now knows that we are expecting. It is always kind of odd to find the right way to bring it up but it always feels great once it's finally out, and the more people that know the more real and exciting everything feels. But I still hold back a lot.

I have yet to post on Facebook. I keep planning to and telling myself, "today, I'll say something" but I never do. Not that Facebook posts are super necessary or anything but there are a few people that I keep in touch with primarily through sites like that, especially since I live 3000 miles from "home". If we still lived in Florida there are old co-workers and other social groups that I undoubtedly would've seen and shared the news with by now, but since we live so far away, the internet has become the primary way for me to keep in touch with them. And I kind feel like a liar as I exchange messages with them about my life without ever sharing the biggest news of my life.

It is very similar to finally posting about our struggle with infertility. I was so nervous about coming out of the closet. Not only because of the reactions and responses I could receive but because once you tell the world something, you can't un-tell them. Once it's out there, it's out there. I've also been afraid of history repeating and watching things go terribly wrong once I decide to share. Not to mention the fear of alienating myself from the IF community or unknowingly hurting someone else that is struggling. A few of my amazing and supportive twitter friends have encouraged me to post and I came so close after their words of encouragement but for some reason, still didn't go through with it....Until today.

As I wrote this post I sorted through a lot of emotional stuff. I love having this blog as a record of my IVF journey, as well as an amazing source of support from the IF community, but more than anything it is for me and has served as an outlet to work out things that I can't always talk about. Just like the journals I kept as a teenager, it has been a way for me to have conversations with myself. And in talking to myself about this I have realized that there is no reason to hold back anymore. So I did it. I bit the bullet and I posted.

Of course, as an infertile I wanted my post to be as sensitive as possible because I have been on the other side as have so many other people that I care about. I also wanted it to be short and sweet and to the point. So both Chad and I posted the same message, "After 3 years of struggle, and loss, and with the help of amazing advances in science, our dreams are finally coming true". I posted this as a "note" so that people could see our most recent ultrasound pic if they chose or avoid it if they prefer. I have now officially told everyone there is to tell. This is really happening. Snow Pea is really here, growing inside me.

Honestly, I know it sounds crazy but finally coming clean online like that is almost a milestone in itself on this journey toward parenthood. I know for many that might not be the case, but after years of struggle and ongoing venting with others about the heartache of facebook announcements, this almost feels like the final frontier in sharing the news. And I have to say I am glad that I did it. Not for anyone else but for me. It feels good to be proud and happy about Snow Pea and to share that joy out loud.

Checkin Up

Yesterday, I had my monthly OB appointment and it was a mixed bag of sorts. Of course, as always the first order of business was the weigh in. I wasn't overly concerned because I have been eating pretty well and I take 45 minute walks twice a day along with doing some very light weight exercises a couple times a week. I even double checked on my home scale and saw that while I had gained, the extra pounds were right on target for where I should be at 14 weeks. Which is why I was caught of guard and a little bit anxious when the scale at my OB's office disagreed with my own and said I was quite a bit heavier than I thought, which also meant that I had gained far more than is considered healthy in a one month period.

Dr. Casual was, as always, very casual about the whole thing. He asked about my exercise and diet habits without making me feel guilty and reassured me that a million factors affect those numbers on the scale and to trust my own measurements more. He said they are much more concerned with overall patterns and significant jumps than individual numbers. He did schedule a size check for three weeks from now though, I think to be sure me and the baby aren't growing too fast.

Honestly, after checking again today, I am becoming more convinced that a combination of water retention and bloating contributed to the skewed number yesterday and I am trusting that I won't see another scary jump like that again. Please, don't think I am being vain or planning to try to lose weight while pregnant or anything crazy like that. I know weight gain is healthy and necessary right now. I am just concerned with staying healthy for Snow Pea and doing my best to avoid any complications.

I also had to have a pap smear since I hadn't had one in well over a year. Luckily, months of wandy dates prepared me and it wasn't nearly as bad as I remembered it being. I think Dr Casual also did a great job of keeping me distracted and getting it over with quickly. He is really good at diffusing any anxious or nervous moments, which is a skill I am glad he will be bringing into the delivery room.

The greatest part of the appointment though was that we got a quick peek at Snow Pea and everything looks great! Unfortunately, we didn't get any pictures but it was still fun too watch. I never get sick of seeing the sweet image of my growing baby on the monitor. Snow Pea's little heart was beating away steadily and we got to see a full arm wave. There is a lot of movement going on in there! I can't wait until I can feel it for myself. Dr Casual tried to get a look between the legs but Snow Pea wasn't interested in sharing. He was hopeful though that we will be able get a conclusive answer about what's going down there at the next appointment. He asked if we got a guess about the sex at the NT scan and commented that those techs are almost always right in his experience. Hopefully in a few more weeks, we'll know for sure!

Milestone Moments

I have a habit of checking my email and twitter account from my blackberry each morning before I get out of bed. Yes, it's partially a technology addiction but it started because I had to wake up a half an hour early in order to avoid any mess from my morning dose of progesterone gel. Either way, it's a habit I now enjoy as I am not a morning person and it gives that little bit of time to really wake up before having to be "up". This Saturday though as I checked my email I was ready to hop out of bed from excitement without the 30 minute buffer. There waiting in my inbox were two separate pregnancy subscriptions welcoming me to 13 weeks and the start of my second trimester!

I have been of course counting the weeks and days as they pass by but for some reason it never registered that such an important milestone was upon me until it happened. The sense of joy, relief and gratitude I feel at reaching this wonderful new stage of pregnancy is almost impossible to express. I suddenly felt more connected to Snow Pea than ever before and more excited to think about the day I will hold my baby in my arms. After losing sprout, I have definitely been more guarded and a little disconnected. Not that I am not enjoying and loving every second but I still keep taking it all moment by moment. Reaching this point of pregnancy feels like a dream come true and makes everything feel more real than it did before.

Making this new stage feel even more real and even more exciting is that today was the nuchal translucency scan. For those that don't know the NT scan is done between 11 and 14 weeks to measure fluid at the back of the neck as an indicator for down's syndrome. They also measure the baby's growth, heartbeat, and take a look at the developing limbs and organs. Since you're already in the office with your belly all jellied up, the u/s techs are usually also kind enough to show off all kind's off other cute baby parts. It was incredible!

This was our first really good "tummy u/s" too which somehow made it feel that much more real to me. Every other time we had gotten a good view of Snow Pea it had been with wandy, so we were always looking from an unconventional angle and it's not exactly where I think of the baby as being. As soon as she put the probe on my belly we could see Snow Pea moving and kicking around and as soon as the tech declared how active our baby was, Snow Pea promptly fell asleep. For those of you that know Chad, you know this is definitely a trait of his that he has so kindly passed on to our child. He can fall asleep anytime, anywhere and sleep for 13 hours if he has nothing forcing him to wake up. As much as it drives me nuts that my husband can sleep like that, I have to admit it was cute and a bit endearing to actually witness Snow pea doing it.

Of course though, Snow Pea being asleep wasn't entirely conducive to the scan and the tech had to keep bouncing little one around to get the correct position. And again, being my husband's child, Snow Pea wasn't exactly easy to wake up. But after a bit of jiggling she finally got the view she needed and reported everything looks right on target. She also gave us our very first listen of our sweet little miracle's heartbeat. It was music to our ears, and one of us got a bit teary eyed. It measured at a very healthy 143bpm.

We soaked up every second of seeing our baby in profile for the first time and relished watching the twitches that looked like full body hiccups. Then the tech asked if we'd like a guess on the sex. Since neither of us are great at waiting for surprises we said yes so she pointed out the little nub between our baby's legs and explained the difference between males and females at this stage of development. Based on the position and angle, she predicted that our baby is made up of XX chromosomes as opposed to XY but of course nothing is definite this early on. I will say though that based on my research, this office does have a high rate of accuracy, as does this method of prediction when done by a skilled tech. Of course, we aren't betting the farm on this but since our approach to parenting is more gender neutral to begin with, if the prediction does change later it wouldn't be the end of the world. The most exciting thing about possibly knowing the sex is just feeling that much more connected to Snow Pea as a real person and not an "it". (Although, truth be told, Chad REALLY wants a girl so he's even more excited right now)

I just can't believe that we've reached such an amazing milestone and I can't stop looking at my sweet baby's newest pictures. My favorite thing to do lately is go through them in order and watch Snow Pea grow, starting with the very first picture on transfer day when Snow Pea was just a large clump of cells. This is truly an amazing experience and after all it took to get here, I am incredibly grateful for every moment.

There Is A Season

Happy Fall Everyone! All week I have been very excited for this new season to start. I love the colors, the slight chill and the magic of fall. Of course autumn is not the only new season that is upon us, we are also approaching cold and flu season, and wouldn't ya know it on the first day of fall I woke up with my first cold of the season.

Normally my sticky, scratchy throat and heavy headache wouldn't be too big of a deal and I would go on with my day normally, if maybe dragging a bit. But now that Snow Pea is on board and forced to endure these things with me I have opted to stay in my jammies in the hopes that I can fight this off before it becomes full blown. I feel kind of lazy but I know it's the right decision. The decision I am unsure about though is how to deal with the remainder of flu season.

It is very common for OBs to prescribe flu shots to women that are pregnant anytime during flu season, between October and April. The CDC recommends that all pregnant women be vaccinated by October to protect their already weakened immune systems. But of course like all other things, there is another side of the coin. Many independent scientists, doctors, moms and researchers claim that flu shots are unnecessary and even dangerous for the pregnant woman and her fetus. Some have implicated thimerosal, a type of mercury and common ingredient in the vaccine, as being linked to autism along with other health problems in children.

A conversation on Twitter yesterday about whether we all need or should get flu shots got me thinking about this debate. Since I am not due until April, I will be pregnant during the height of flu season. I would love to claim that I have a killer immune system and am unconcerned about getting sick, but the reality is I get sick all the time (as today's cold proves). I get some sort of cold or flu every season and I can't imagine this year would be any different, especially with an even weaker immune system.

But still I can't decide if I really want to get the flu vaccine. I have never gotten one in the past and even though I do get a cold every season, I also recover from it fairly easily. And I don't know why but it does kind of make me nervous. Yes, I know the claims of flu shots being related to other health problems are not widely corroborated or researched and honestly those claims aren't the big reason I am uncertain about the shot. I generally just don't know if it's something I want to do or not. I think it is an uneasiness with the unknown more than anything, especially since I have never had one before.

So as always I turn to the opinions and experiences of others for insight. Have you ever had a flu shot? Either while pregnant or not? Did it keep you from getting sick? Did it make you feel lousy afterward? And anyone that decided to skip it, did you manage to stay healthy anyway? Any thoughts or experiences are appreciated. Of course, I have every intention of speaking with my doctor about this and asking questions and hearing his advice before making any decisions. I just can't help but look at each step during this pregnancy and want to evaluate all the information from every side before making a decision. Part of it is just who I am, and part of it stems from the years of infertility and treatments. I spent so much time learning so much about the process of getting to this point and being so involved in each step of that process, that now it's the norm and I feel uneasy if I don't learn as much as I can with each new step. Ultimately, I want to do what's best for Snow Pea every step of the way and the more I know, the more confident I can be that I am doing just that.

Graduation Day!

I can't believe this day has actually arrived, our last visit to Dr Jedi before officially moving on to the OB. Knowing we would be seeing Snow Pea today, both Chad and I were very excited for this appointment but it was also bittersweet to be seeing Dr Jedi and his staff for the last time. As amazed and grateful as we are to have reached this milestone and be officially released as a "normal" pregnancy, we have felt so comforatble and cared for with our fertility clinic I kind of wish we didn't have to go.

Dr. Jedi was very excited to see Snow Pea and show us how much growth had happened in the last week. Today I am 11 weeks 6 days and blown away by the little person I have growing in there! Snow Pea is over 2 inches long and about the size of a lime. There was lots of moving around and it was incredible how much more controlled it seemed than last time. We could see a sweet little ear, a steady heartbeat, the stomach, brain, spine and ten tiny little fingers waving hello! It was unbelievable. I still can't fully wrap my head around the fact that this amazing little creature is inside my body right now!

After taking some pictures of Snow Pea we talked about our plans for additional prenatal care and of course coming back one day so that we can give Snow Pea a sibling. The nurse loaded me up with a stack of information and graduation swag, and reminded us to come back with Snow Pea this Spring. I asked if we would be able to schedule that with them so that no one would be in the waiting room because I would hate to upset anyone. It's a small practice and we have never been at their office as the same time as anyone else, but I still don't want risk causing anyone any pain. She was very understanding and said she couldn't wait to see all three of us in 6 months. Wow, 6 months. Just half a year until we hold our sweet little Snow Pea in our arms!

But we do have those 6 months and of course a little thing called labor and delivery to get through before we are able to do any baby holding. Which is something I think about a lot lately. (and something I plan to blog about soon) I really want to be sure we choose someone to take us through these next stages that is as wonderful as Dr Jedi was at getting us to this point. He has been truly wonderful from day one at our 1st consultation, to the decision to begin IVF, through every wanding and transfer, during the heartbreak of losing Sprout and then starting again with FET. He and his staff have been supportive, attentive and caring through every single step of this process and I can't imagine anyone else having helped us reach this point. I only wish he could remain with us through the rest of the journey and deliver Snow Pea in addition to helping us create him or her.

But since we did have to say good-bye today we didn't have to go without some really great graduation gifts. In addition, to the stacks of magazines and the cute little planner we got this:

My new favorite movie!

In addition to seeing the fingers and organs I mentioned earlier, you might notice an interesting name on the screen, just below the Seimens header. Chad and I were left alone with the machine for a minute before the ultrasound started and silly boy that he is, he added "Dr Jedi" to the screen. That is not his real name but I kind of love that our nickname for him is forever imprinted on our 1st baby video.