I can't even begin to tell you how many blog posts I have written in my head the past 6 weeks but never gotten around to actually writing. The biggest reason of which is that I have been too afraid. We have been so secretive about our FETs this past year, and I have opened this blog up to so many people in my life- I guess I just wasn't ready to share yet. But now it's becoming too much and I am finding myself feeling more lost than I did the first time around, and I realize how desperately I need to stop trying to keep it all in.
Infertility 2.0 was supposed to be easier, less painful and traumatic somehow. We have already endured the years of trying on our own, the tedium of temping, the anxiety of testing & diagnosis, the marathon of IVF, the hell of miscarriage and finally the joy of successful FET. We knew what to expect. We knew the problems and how to treat them. There was no reason this shouldn't work. No reason this time shouldn't have been smoother, simpler than than the first. Oh how very wrong we were.
In 2013, we had 3 failed FET cycles. With the 5 embryos lost to these failures added to the 3 that didn't make it the first time around, that puts the viability of my embryos so far at 1 in 9- far below the 1 in 3 my RE predicted based on my age, hormone levels and our combined egg/sperm quality. 5 transfers, 9 embryos, one child- I am beating the odds in a terrible way. And I was not at all prepared for this or for how it would affect me.
When we started infertility treatment 2.0 this past summer, I not only felt fairly confident we would have an easier time achieving success, but that if for some reason we didn't I would be more ok with everything than I was the first time. I think I even said so on my blog. After all, I wasn't a mom last time and now I am. Who cares if I have one baby or two? I'm a mom when I wasn't before and the headcount of my household doesn't change that fact. Which is still true, of course. In so many ways it is not as painful, it doesn't cut the same way the fight for motherhood did. But it still hurts and cuts in new ways I never saw coming.
My body has now failed me more than it had in 2010 when we were going through IVF/FET. Then, I just couldn't get pregnant without help but after the hormones and the procedures, my body did a pretty good job of behaving as it should. I felt damaged for sure, but I didn't feel quite as broken as I do now. Today, I met with my RE and discussed the possibility that fluid in my fallopian tubes may be creating a toxic womb environment and destroying what would otherwise be healthy, viable embryos. The thought that my own body is responsible for literally killing my embryos is soul crushing.
How do I maintain a healthy self-esteem when my own body is so broken and dysfunctional? How do I stave off the despair, self-blame and depression that comes from infertility when I think about my own body actually poisoning my attempts to further build my family? How do I control my anger when I realize that we have spent thousands of dollars, I have forced myself through hundreds of injections, and we have tolerated months of anxiety, false hopes and heartbreak all with absolutely nothing to show for it? How do I hold back the flood of tears when my daughter comes running into the room to show me that she has been practicing her sign language so she can teach it to the baby brother or sister she keeps begging me for? How do I manage the guilt and shame at letting all of this hurt so much when I know I am lucky to have such an amazing child, even if she is my only one? Infertility as once again made me feel like a failure, this time as a woman, a wife, an advocate and a mother. I just wasn't prepared for all the new ways my heart would break when we set back out on this road.
Well ICLW is here again and so much has happened since the last one I can't believe it. If you are visiting me for the first time I will give you the short version of my story so far. If you are unfamiliar with ICLW, which stands for International Comment Leaving Week, you can find information here.
My husband Chad and I married in March of 2007 and threw out all forms of birth control shortly after, fully expecting that simply "not preventing" would bring us a baby in no time. By the beginning of 2009, we had accepted that was not the case and began seeking medical help and got more serious about "trying" using charts, OPKs, and other tricks of the trade. Finally in the fall of 2009, we had a full work-up completed and learned that I had at least one blocked fallopian tube. My OB put me on Clomid to increase chances of ovulating on my "good side". I responded well each month but never got pregnant. After three months we abandoned the OB in search of an RE who quickly realized that my blocked tubes were worse than originally thought and recommended IVF.
In February of 2010 I began medications for my first IVF cycle and on March 12th I had 21 mature eggs retrieved. 15 of them fertilized naturally and all grew for 5 days to the blastocyst stage. On March 17th I had two blasts transferred and the other 13 were frozen. Then after what felt like the longest and scariest 2ww of my life, I went in for my beta on March 27th. The nurse called within hours to inform me that I was in fact pregnant with an hCG level of 235. It was the one of the most wonderful moments in my life, but the joy was short lived.
My beta rose but did not double for two of the following tests. Finally after an agonizing week of worry, it rose to well above where it should be and my first ultrasound was scheduled. At the appointment I should have been about 6 weeks along, but when my RE looked he could only find small bits of debris in an otherwise empty gestational sac. Another beta, another rise, so another ultrasound just to check again with the hope that there was a late implantation. Another week of worry and waiting. The next ultrasound on April 16th revealed a bigger, but still mostly empty sac and it was officially declared to be an early pregnancy failure and an impending miscarriage. I was told to stop all medications and come back for another beta to see if the numbers began dropping.
I went for the beta yesterday, April 20th, and being back in that office was a hell I could not wait to escape. Everything about being there reminded me of the pain of learning that the pregnancy I had finally achieved after 3 years of struggle was gone. As soon as I got outside I burst into sobs. When the office called me in the afternoon it was to inform me that my beta is still rising. So although we all know it is over, I have to go back this Friday, the 23rd for one more ultrasound. I dread that appointment and the pain of seeing the empty black hole inside my uterus again. This loss is a pain worse than anything I have ever known. I still can't believe that I had finally realized my dream only to have it all taken away. If infertility is unfair and painful, miscarriage in the midst of infertility can be pure torture.
I apologize for not having more messages of hope or optimism. It is just not a place that I have reached yet, the pain is still far too fresh. I promise I am usually a much more upbeat and optimistic person, and as such I find myself feeling guilty for not being more hopeful right now. I think once I get through the physical pregnancy and begin moving toward trying again, that the naturally happy me will begin to return. I do plan to go forward with a frozen embryo transfer once my body is ready so if you stick around there will be signs of hope and life again soon. My story is not over yet and I am not ready to give up on becoming a mom.
Thank you for stopping by, please feel free to poke around at my past posts and leave comments letting me know more about yourself. I hope to get to know even more wonderful bloggers this week and hear more about your stories.
I want to start by saying welcome to all visitors from ICLW! This is my first ever ICLW, because I am a slacker and missed the sign up deadline for 2 months in a row, but I am very excited to be involved this month and honestly my first ICLW couldn't be during a more crucial week. You see at the end of this week I will learn whether another of my firsts has succeeded: my first IVF cycle. I need all the distractions I can get this week so I am very much looking forward to reading and discovering your blogs and stories.
Of course you can always read through my past blog entries to catch up on my infertility and subsequent IVF journey, but I will give you the short(ish) version here. My husband, Chad, and I married in March 2007(I am actually in the car on the way back from our anniversary trip as I write this) and threw out the birth control shortly after. Like most couples we assumed pregnancy would just happen on it's own and didn't really "try" for quite sometime. It eventually became apparent though that even though we were just "not preventing" something should have happened by now so off we went to the OB/GYN in early 2009. I was given some very basic blood work and instructions to start charting BBT and OPKs. We were in full swing with the "sperm meets egg" plan until a few months later when my husband received a promotion that included a move across the country from Orlando, FL to Orange County, CA, where we live now.
After taking some time to get settled and entertain visiting friends and family, we got serious and had the full fertility work-up including a semen analysis, all the important blood work and an HSG. My blood work and Chad's SA came back great, no problems to speak of, it was my HSG that caused concern. My left tube showed no spillage. So my OB put me on Clomid to hopefully increase chances of ovulation on my right side and sent me on my way to continue trying. We were diligent for three months and never missed my fertile window. Progesterone draws each month confirmed I was ovulating but never getting pregnant. Which meant it was time to seek out an RE.
My RE (unlike the OB) actually reviewed the films from the HSG with us and quickly ascertained that my tubes were much more blocked than originally believed. He broke the news that our only real option for a pregnancy was IVF. We talked about it for a few days and decided to jump right in. For the past month I have dealt with the injections, the dates with the ultrasound wand (wandy), and the anxiety that come with this process and somehow managed to stay sane and even smile the entire time.
A little over a week ago I went in for my egg retrieval, where 21 eggs were collected. Of those, 15 fertilized to become embryos and continued to grow right into the day 5 blastocyst stage. On St Patrick's day, I had 2 blastocysts transferred (which you can see here) and the other 13 were frozen. And now after all that activity there is nothing left to do but wait. I have always dreaded the 2ww but this one definitely feels like it has much higher stakes. My beta blood test to determine pregnancy will be scheduled for sometime this upcoming weekend, so if you come back next week hopefully you will get to hear the good news! Or you can give me some comfort and support at a time when I will definitely need it.
I am planning to stay as busy as possible during this week and hopefully stay sane in the process, which means more blog posts to come and lots of time reading and commenting your blogs! So welcome again ICLWers and thank you in advance for your comments. And thank you so much to my current followers for all of the love and support you have given me and continue to provide. The blog community has been such an amazing source of encouragement and friendship and I am so grateful to be a part of it.
If you read part one of our initial consultation with the RE you know that we did a lot during one appointment but needed to have a part 2 the following business day to review the films from my hsg and get a more accurate idea of the situation and come up with a more complete plan of action. (You can get caught up on part one here)
So yesterday morning Chad and I went to meet Dr.Jedi (my new name for Dr Lee- seriously the force is strong with this one) bright and early, giant envelope of films in hand. He wasted no time in reviewing them and brought us into the next room so that we could see them with him as he explained them. It turns out that both of my tubes actually do have some spillage, but it also turns out that the right and previously believed to be "good" tube I had been counting on isn't in the "good" condition we were hoping for. It works, but not very well. Not well at all really. Honestly, it more has the potential to maybe work than it actually works, and that potential is very low.
After reviewing the films with Dr. Jedi we discussed the status. He told us what has to be one of the hardest things I have heard in my entire life. Our odds of ever having a baby on our own are about 1 in 200. That's less than 1%. Our dreams of bringing our child into this world using only what nature provided us are most likely never going to happen. I was devastated to say the least. We had so much hope during part 1 of our appointment but infertility has definitely struck back and is trying to use the dark side of the force, as in my dysfunctional fallopian tubes, against our chances of becoming parents.
So what does this mean? What is the next step for us in our quest to have a baby? We discussed different scenarios and options with Dr. Jedi and he continued to live up to his initial good impression by being very clear, honest and taking lots of time to answer all of our questions, even talking to me for half an hour on the phone later when I realized I had more that I wanted to talk to him about. And after much discussion, we have made a decision about what to do next and have already started step one of the new plan.
And just what is step one you ask? Drum roll please....I'm on the pill. Those of you that are well versed in infertility and it's treatments know exactly what this means. For those that aren't in the know, I can assure you this does not mean we are giving up, just the opposite. We are advancing directly to the highest tech method of getting pregnant there is: In-Vitro Fertilization aka IVF.
We are not passing "GO", we are definitely NOT collecting $200- (more like paying 65 times that, yes I said 65 times more than $200!)- we are going straight from level 2 of fertility treatments to the the granddaddy of them all, the highest level and last stop. It is a huge step and a lot went into this decision. I am full of emotions and fears and hopes and questions and all of it changes from second to second. The problem with me is that when I am faced a huge life-changing event I can't deal with the emotions of it right away. I go numb and switch into action, aka survival mode. I grieve later. It's ironic because I am such an emotional person and wear my heart on my sleeve in nearly every aspect of my life, but when it's life changing I just can't do it. I am aware of this though and I know I need to tap into these inner emotions and grieve the losses I am facing. I have a lot to say about everything I am feeling and that will come soon in another blog post. (I have to complete the trilogy don't I?)
Although I am very heartbroken in many ways that this is what we are faced with I am also hopeful that it is right decision and we are that much closer to realizing our dreams of creating a family.
"What looks like a loss may be the very event which is subsequently responsible for helping to produce the greatest achievement of your life"
Well our last try with the OB was a bust so it's on to the Reproductive Endocrinologist aka RE. Having to seek a specialist's help definitely conjures up a mixture of emotions. Part of me is hopeful that this will be just the thing to get us to where we need to be and fulfill our dreams of becoming parents, and part of me feels like a failure for needing this extra help. But I was still eager to meet with a doctor sooner rather than later which is why I was so grateful that my insurance provided me with a list of in network RE's and I found one that could not only get me in the same week, but the doctor also has stellar reviews from past patients on yahoo local. Of 18 reviews, 17 gave him 5 stars and the 18th gave him 4.
After meeting with Dr. Lee on Friday, I can confirm that those reviews were well deserved. His staff his friendly and helpful and he is hands down the best doctor I have ever had the pleasure of having a conversation with. Chad and I both clicked with him instantly and felt very comforted by his manner and approach. We discussed all of our previous testing and Dr. Lee proclaimed Chad to have "super sperm" as he has higher than average count and motility, something that definitely put a little smile on Chad's face. We also reviewed what we've done up until this point and then I had a little visit with wandy. Never my favorite part of any doctor visit but Dr Lee made the process more comfortable for me and was very good about showing us both what was on screen and explaining everything. He then assured me that my ovaries are "fantastic" and my eggs look good enough to be used for donation. Needless to say, Chad and I both felt pretty good about our reproductive odds after hearing that both our basic baby-making ingredients are in tip-top shape.
The problem was still my tubes. It was figuring out how much of a hindrance they are that was the we needed. Dr. Lee couldn't see any problems with my tubes on the ultrasound which is a good sign but he wanted to review the HSG films with us and get an accurate picture of what is happening with my plumbing. So he instructed us to get a copy from the radiology office and come in to review then with him and then discuss our options.
We raced out of there and had the films within half an hour. Unfortunately, Chad had to get back to work so we couldn't review the films the same day but we were able to schedule RE appt part 2 for Monday morning. It was wonderful to leave that office feeling hopeful again. We know that there will still be work to be done but it's great to know that despite our challenges we actually do have some things going for us. And it's great to know that we have a doctor that seems to really care about our success. I am showing my geek side here, but I feel like Dr. Lee is our Luke Skywalker, using the force of his experience and passion to defeat the dark side of our fertility and help us to have a baby. Well at the very least, he has definitely given us new hope that we will succeed soon.
Today is 11dpo and my temp is the same as yesterday. This has NEVER happened. My temp always starts going down by now. My LP is only 12 days so a temp drop at 11dpo is expected and very typical, but today it didn't happen. I had a significant dip at 9dpo and assumed it was the beginning of the end but then at 10dpo it went back up and is still there! (my chart) I am trying to keep my feet on the ground but the bubble of of hope in my heart is getting bigger and is about to float away with me.
Before you ask, yes I caved and poas'd this morning: BFN. I know that 11dpo is pretty early though, so the knowledge of my not falling temp this morning is staying with me. This is dangerous. I have been having those daydreams about how I would tell friends and family, when the baby would be due, and how I would decorate the nursery. I have even gone so far as to find out that if we did in fact conceive this month it would have happened on January 13, which as you may recall is our lego anniversary and the start of our lucky 8th year together. Little things like this make me even more hopeful. The ups and downs of ttc and struggling with infertility has never made me more afraid to hope. As horrible as I felt last month knowing I wasn't pregnant, as I watched my temperatures fall at least I was prepared for the heartbreak. When I dare to hope the pain of another failed cycle seems to be that much greater. Don't get me wrong, I'm not always hope-phobic. For the majority of every cycle I am very hopeful that this could be the month and I relish the new hopes and possibilities during that time period, it's the last few days of the 2ww when everything gets real. This is the time that will make or break me emotionally. I just fear that I will have sky-high hopes today, despite my best attempts to stay grounded, and I will be in that much more pain tomorrow when my temp drops or worse when AF shows her ugly face.
If this cycle does end in disappointment it's on to the next phase of treatment including my first visit to the RE and most likely surgery for my blocked tube. I am mostly ok with that. I am sure some tears will be shed in the process but I am optimistic that this will be the right course to take. Unless I really am already pregnant....should I really dare to dream?
They say when something is keeping you up at night, making you cranky, and generally NEVER off your mind that the best way to improve the situation is to "relax". And these same mysterious "they" say that journaling or blogging is an ideal way to get things off your chest and therefore relax. Kind of like personal therapy with a pen, or in this case a laptop.
So here I am writing my 1st ever blog, derived from what feels like my millionth handwritten (unfinished) journal in order to cope with the stress of infertility and trying to conceive. I have great friends and family, and of course a wonderful husband to talk to, but I still think about this stuff way more than any of these people probably want to hear about. So I have decided to share all of my happy, sad, ridiculous, disgusting, funny and hopeful thoughts on my journey to motherhood with the blogosphere instead.
Here is a quick rundown of my journey so far:
- December 6, 1982: born to the most wonderful mother in the world
- August 1999: wrote paper on what I will be doing in 10 years- motherhood was #1
- January 13, 2003: started dating my future husband, Chad
- March 18, 2007: married him
- April 2007: stopped "preventing".
- July 2007: 1st preconception Dr visit.
- March 2008: shifted from "not preventing" to "trying".
- January 2009: 1st "WTF IS WRONG?!?" appt. Told I'm still young, just start charting.
- January 2009: kept first chart of basal body temperatures.
- March 2009: found out we were moving to California from Florida. Whole world is flipped upside down. Stopped charting.
- April 2009: made the move.
- May 2009: found previously mentioned paper at mom's house. Almost 10 years later and not a mom as predicted. Started to doubt my talents as a fortune teller.
- July 22, 2009: started seriously charting again.
- August 9, 2009: got my 1st positive OPK. Did a happy dance and thought for sure the problem had just been timing and we would get pregnant very soon.
- September 23, 2009: found a new Dr in Cali- officially told we are dealing w/ infertility and given a huge packet of tests to complete.
- October 2009: completed tons of bloodwork, ultrasounds, a semen analysis for the hubby and a very painful HSG for me.
- October 7, 2009: informed I had "no spillage" in my left tube-it's completely blocked. All other tests came back "normal".
- October 27, 2009: started 50mg of Clomid to increase ovarian function & odds of ovulating on my "good" side.
- November 28, 2009: started 2nd round of Clomid
- December 28, 2009: started 3rd round of Clomid
Which brings me to now and back to the whole point of this. I'm supposed to "relax". Whoever decided this was sage advice is in serious need of a good thrashing by the way. I started this journey pretty relaxed but nearly three years later I feel that furiously fighting for what I want is completely reasonable. Whether I ever actually relax again or not, I will be a mom, I'm ready!
