There are a lot of dates happening right now that I can't help but remember and reflect on their significance. Some of them happy, some sad, and some a strange mix of the two.
One year ago today, I was pregnant. Or if you want to look at it in the terms of the TTC community, I was technically PUPO, pregnant until proven otherwise. My first IVF transfer was exactly one year ago yesterday and one year ago today, Chad and I were a bundle of excitement, anxiety and nerves hoping that the transfer would be a successful one. I remember absolutely everything about how I felt that day. It was even more special and memorable because it was not only the day my little blasties would either implant or not, it was also our 3 year wedding anniversary. We couldn't help but smile nervously with the hope that our baby might be snuggling in on the anniversary of the best day of both our lives. And less than two weeks later we learned that our Sprout had in fact snuggled in, but sadly didn't continue to grow much longer than that, and by the time April came, instead of being happy and hopeful, we were sad and heartbroken. Which means that many memorable dates of the unhappy kind are ahead of us. And that in itself creates a crazy swirl of emotions inside me. My miscarriage is still the absolute hardest and worst thing I have ever had to experience. And there are still places and things from that time period I can't visit or see without crying. I will always mourn that loss, but I also recognize that I wouldn't be pregnant with this baby, with my Snow Pea, and I love her with all that I am. It is very conflicting to still miss Sprout but to not be able to even think of life without Snow Pea. With her due date fast approaching, I can't help but see the connections and feel the confliction. I didn't even realize until recently that my daughter would be born one year after the same time period as the worst moments of my life. It makes me wonder if her being born at the same time was somehow deliberate, meant to bring us healing and love during a time that we'd otherwise remember as painful.
There are other important anniversaries of our journey to parenthood happening around now. Last year on March 12th, I went in for my egg retrieval where my RE collected 21 eggs, 15 of which fertilized and one of which is now the daughter I have reached a full term pregnancy with. It is crazy to think that my unborn child was conceived over a year ago! And even crazier to think that her future sibling(s) were too! Of course, Sprout was conceived that day as well, so it is a bit bittersweet to think about that day but for the most part it is memory filled with hope and awe at what it has resulted in.
You may have picked up on my mention that one year ago today, I was not only PUPO, but also that it was our 3 year wedding anniversary, which means today is 4 years. And I have to say just how wonderful it is to be celebrating another year of marriage to my partner in life and my best friend. The years we spent facing infertility, the rounds of treatment and the loss of my first pregnancy all roll together into what is hands down the hardest battle either of us have ever dealt with, but having done it together has made us a stronger couple than I ever imagined possible. I knew I was making the best decision of my life the day I literally exclaimed "I Do!" but I didn't know just how right I really was. As memorable as these other dates are and always will be, none of them are as important as March 18, 2007, which was quite literally the best day of my life and the day my family truly began.
The weekend is winding down and I am realizing what a blog slacker I have been. My wonderful husband was kind of enough to post this update while I was unconscious and having my eggs removed and was even nice enough to allow me to be the one to share the results of said egg retrieval but I waited until now to actually post an update. Bad blogger.
As Chad so kindly reported, I was pretty fearless going into the procedure, but that it must be said how easy that is to do when you're asleep before they even wheel you into the operating room. I remember the anesthesiologist telling me he was putting "the good stuff" into my IV and the next thing I knew he was shaking my shoulder telling me it was time to wake up. And as quick as it felt, I later learned it really was almost that fast. I rested for a bit and got some much needed pain meds for the aching in my abdomen, and then it was time to be on our way. Dr Jedi had been out to let Chad know all had gone well, and they would be calling shortly to let us know how many eggs were retrieved.
My phone rang even before we got home and we got the very exciting news that 21 eggs had been retrieved! The left ovary caused absolutely no problems and he had full access to all of my follicles! Nothing left to do but go home, rest and wait for a call the next morning to tell us the overnight fertilization report.
Early in the process of our IVF journey, Chad and I spent a week talking to our doctor, consulting books and websites and discussing with each other whether or not to utilize intracytoplasmic sperm injection i.e. ICSI, in this cycle. For those that don't know, ICSI is basically the process of directly injecting a single sperm into an egg to cause fertilization. After weighing the pros and cons and taking into account Chad's high motility, we decided against ICSI because we felt that given the choice, we'd prefer the eggs to fertilize more closely to how they would inside my body. But we also knew that we still ran the risk that fertilization would fail. No one knows why but even with healthy sperm and eggs there are times when the embryologist comes in the morning after and finds that fertilization has completely failed. Needless to say, we were a bit anxious for the phone call that would deliver the news of whether such a fate had befallen our 21 little eggies. Luckily, the call came quickly on Saturday morning and we learned that of the 21 eggs retrieved 15 had fertilized! 15! I was so excited and relieved to hear that number! The nurse told me that this most likely meant we would be doing a day 5 blastocyst transfer on Wednesday, but to be on stand-by for the possibility of a day 3 transfer on Monday. She said they would call me at about 10 o'clock Monday morning with another update. So we spent the rest of the weekend as if it was just any other weekend. Lunch with friends, afternoon nap, picnic in the park, but really we both know this hasn't been any other weekend. I keep thinking about my embies. I keep wondering how they're doing. If they are growing and how quickly. I wonder how many are boys and how many are girls, which ones have the DNA for my nose and Chad's ears. I already feel so attached, so maternal. We drove past the center where we know they are last night, and couldn't help but say hi to them as we did so. We told them we hope they are doing well and that we are so excited to know they are there. It is a truly surreal feeling to know my potential children exist, they are dividing and growing and they are doing it outside of body, about 20 miles away as a matter of fact. It makes me feel like I already am pregnant in a way, just not physically. I have loved my child since before we even started trying to concieve, but now that I know embryos exist that are made up of me and Chad, I can't help but feel my heart swell even more. It is truly a miracle to know that we (with the help of a wonderful team of doctors and embryologists) have created life that is part me and part him. It exists in this world and it just blows me away every time I think about it. What blows me away even more is how much I already love them.
Hello all, DH here, reporting LIVE from Newport Beach Surgery Center where our favorite female has just been taken from the PreOP room to surgery where IVF stage 2 (After Stage 1 where I performed nightly needle stabbings) is underway. The hardest part is trying to keep my excitement at bay because in my heart I KNOW this will work, but my head is telling me to keep my pants on and not get ahead of myself. Holly was fearless as they rolled her back and was more concerned with what I was going to get her for lunch after this is all over. She has not eaten since midnight last night. For those of you that don't know, Holly would rather lose a finger rather than go without breakfast. Anyway, this phone isnt the best typer, but I'm sure Holly will update you all after the events of today are complete. TTFN!
Can this really be happening? Ever since I took my first birth control pill last month and made the decision to go forward with IVF, everything has felt very surreal. In my mind I have known what was going on. I have taken pills, received injections, had dates with wandy, had my blood drawn, signed consents, and written a giant check, but somehow it still does not feel completely real. I am now less than a week away from my egg retrieval and in my mind I know that there is a very real possibility that I will be pregnant by next week, but emotionally I just can't seem to grasp that concept. It is all at once so close and still so far away.
Being pregnant has become for me what growing up once was. Like when you were 8 years old and you talked about what you would do when you grew up but really you couldn't truly believe that day would ever come. You were going to be a kid forever because that was all you really knew. The "when I grow up" fantasies were just that, you were never really going to be an adult, you were just going to talk about it. That's I how feel about being pregnant and becoming a mom sometimes. I have been daydreaming and talking about being a mother for so long it has begun to feel exactly the way it felt when I talked about being a famous movie star someday. It was something I could talk about and idealize all I wanted because I knew I would really always be a child, growing up was just too far away to understand. But even though my 8 year old self never really accepted that I would be in my late 20's one day, here I am, so I am having faith that motherhood turns out the same way and I will be looking back on this time of my life one day in a similar way. I know that whether I feel like this is really happening or not, it is. The slight ache I have in my ovaries lately reminds me that I have lots of potential future babies growing in there. After my RE appointment this morning I know that I have about 18 of them actually, all in great shape and size. Dr. Jedi again commented on my eggs and and exclaimed that I could be an egg donor. Not that I am bragging, I am just relieved that I am responding well to the stims and that so far things are going well. There are still so many other steps that we need to complete and so many things that could still go wrong, so having good eggs is a really a relief. And speaking of relief and things going well I got even more good news today, my left ovary moved! It is now 100% accessible! When I first asked, Dr Jedi admitted that he had momentarily forgotten about it because it was exactly where it was supposed to be! I don't if it was his mind tricks, the super-sizing meds, or all those cartwheels I did this weekend but whatever it was, it worked and I am so thrilled! As of today, my egg retrieval is most likely scheduled for this Friday and my transfer should happen at the beginning of next week. I am very hopeful and optimistic that this will work. Every day that goes by I feel more and more like it will. But weirdly this does not make the possibility that I will be holding my child in my arms before the year is over seem any more real or any more tangible. It have just wanted this for so long, it is almost impossible to grasp the idea that I could really be so close to getting it. And even though I have clear ideas and dreams of what parenthood will be like I know that, like growing up, the reality will be so much more than I could have ever prepared for or dreamed of. I can't wait for the reality check.
I can't believe it's been over two weeks since I started my IVF injections. It is still in no way my favorite part of the day but I am surviving it. Today is day 6 of stimulation meds and I am starting to really feel those eggies grow! Today I am very aware of my ovaries and I can definitely feel the pressure and bloating everyone always talks about when doing stimulation drugs. I feel like there is a small, hardened balloon in there and it my ovaries feel very heavy. It's also been a lot easier for me to get teary eyed the past few days, but for the most part my moods have been pretty good.
I have noticed this week that the shots on the left side of my stomach hurt A LOT more than on my right. I didn't think much of it at first but after my RE appointment yesterday, I wonder if there is a valid reason my left side stings more. I went in yesterday to meet with wandy for an ultrasound and check on how well my ovaries are responding to the meds. There are 7 follicles on my right side all perfectly shaped and close in size, between 7 and 11mm, exactly what they wanted to see. On my left ovary there are also 7 follicles, although they are a bit smaller- between 5 and 10mm, but they are also very well formed and doing well. My uterine lining looked great as well. I also had my blood drawn and my estrogen levels were 611, which is great for this stage of stims.
But unfortunately it wasn't all good news. My left ovary was in hiding. It took Dr. Jedi a rather uncomfortable minute or two (or 3 or 4) to actually find it and when he finally did he said that it was trapped behind my uterus. This is not good. If my ovary stays in the spot it is in now, there is no way that he can safely get to it during retrieval and all of the eggs on that side will be lost. He did say that as my ovary continues to swell and grow on the stimulation drugs that there is a chance it will get big enough to "burst free" and float up to a more accessible location. As painful as that "bursting free" thing sounds I am hoping with everything I've got that it does just that. I know that the eggs on my other side can still give me the baby I so desperately want, and even a few frozen embryos to create a brother or sister one day, but I really want to be able to have as many chances and as many healthy embies as I can. I am realistic and I know that not every egg that is retrieved will make it to transfer, so every egg really counts!
While I have not gotten completely down and out about this news, I am definitely feeling a bit deflated since I found out I might being losing all of those eggs. I try not to blame myself for my infertility, but there are days when I remember that we are only in this position because of my dysfunctional fallopian tubes and it gets hard not to feel responsible. I have been able to get past those feeling these past few weeks, because since we started IVF, it has felt like we are really doing something and I haven't had time to feel guilty. But now that I know that my ovary is stuck, most likely by the same scar tissue that damaged my tube to begin with, the self-blame is starting to come back a bit. I know logically that it is not my fault but emotionally when things go wrong it's hard not point a finger at myself. Chad has of course been great about letting me know it is not my fault and thanks me every day for everything I am going through to create our family. I am so grateful to have him through all of this.
I am choosing to be optimistic that things can still turn around before the retrieval. I need my RE to be "Dr. Jedi" now more than ever. Let's get those jedi mind tricks in gear and make that ovary move! My nurse assured me that he would "take care of me" and do whatever he could to get all of the eggs my body was producing. And of course I am doing any small thing I can to help things along too. I went back to doing injections on my left side again last night. I know logically that it has no bearing on how each side responds but even just a teeny bit more response on my left side could be the push I need to get that ovary out of hiding. And as I said, that side stings significantly more than the right during my injections so maybe there is something to it. I have also been researching yoga poses that may help things move around in there. I have a week to get that ovary to move. I just don't want to have all my eggs all in one basket, so to speak. I have two baskets of good eggs, I should be able to use both!
There are a lot of dates happening right now that I can't help but remember and reflect on their significance. Some of them happy, some sad, and some a strange mix of the two.
