Another One Bites the Dust

Writing and blogging really is such a cathartic way to deal with everything that happens in life, and I don't know why I don't make more time to do it. Mostly, just the regular excuses about being busy and distracted I guess. I mean, yeah I actually am busy and I do get distracted but I should make more quality time for myself. Especially now. 

After September's chemical pregnancy, I realized how very much I want to have another child so Chad and I plunged straight into another cycle. I was already in the habit of nightly injections, so might as well keep them going. And yeah that cycle ended badly, but this next one was sure to work, right? I won't keep you in suspense, the answer is no. Today was beta and my official BFN. 

Not that it was a shock. I poas'd earlier this weekend knowing Chad was leaving town for work today, and neither of us wanted to be apart immediately after getting the results, so we decided it was better to find out sooner rather than later. Both our hopes were much higher than either us had confessed though, so seeing that single, lonely line Saturday afternoon was crushing to say the least. Still, I don't regret it. Testing early didn't change the outcome and it gave us both time together to process. What knowing didn't change is that it still hurt like hell hearing the nurse say the word "negative" on the phone this morning. I knew that's what she would say. I was fully prepared for it. So why did it still sting? Why does infertility continue to find new ways to make me hurt? 

When I became a mom after so much pain and heartbreak, I knew that trying again one day would be hard, but I also knew it would never hurt that same way again. It would never be as raw and intense as the pain of having empty arms. When we finally started our FETs for baby #2, I was confident that I knew what to expect, that I wouldn't be surprised by pain like I had been in the past. But here I am shocked by all of the unexpected ways infertility wracked my emotions yet again. I was still right that it isn't as extreme of a pain as I endured before motherhood, but it is still pain nonetheless, and it still tears at all of my old wounds even as it rips open new ones.

This is my first IVF/FET cycle in which no implantation at all took place. Granted I've only had one child, but I have had 3 "pregnancies". I haven't stared down a straightforward BFN, with no confusing betas or possible positives since my clomid days 4 years ago. And while this complete failure is making me question whether I could have done anything different to get a better outcome, it has also verified a long held suspicion that even though a BFN hurts like hell, it isn't as unbearable as thinking I might actually be getting what I want and having it cruelly ripped away from me. So I guess I have that as a silver lining this cycle? Yeah I am not pregnant, but at least I never was? Honestly, when you are facing this heartbreak, you have to take what you can get when it comes to finding the good in it. And as pessimistic as I sound there is some good. Or at least some hope, anyway. We are very lucky in that we still have frozen embryos left so we can keep trying without having to worry about the time and expense of a fresh IVF cycle. Although, after two failed cycles, we seem to be investing quite a bit of time and money after all.

But back to the hope. As negative and angry as I feel at the moment, I know hope is still there. It isn't over and there is still a good chance that this will work in the end. Although, if I am being honest, I am not really certain of my belief that it will work, and in fact, I am kind of terrified that it won't. I am already crushed that my so many of my family dreams have had to be re-written or let go of altogether, I am just not ready to let go of this one yet. So for now, I am not going to. Thanks to travel and holiday schedules we won't be able to transfer again until next year, which kills me, but hopefully I can use this time off to relax and recharge before subjecting myself to hundreds more needles. I can only hope that the new year brings realized dreams along with it. 

Big Fat Maybe

Today was the big day: Beta day. Oh how I dread beta day! The agony of waiting for that damn phone to ring after my blood has been drawn is one of the big reasons I kept putting of this FET. The day started out hopeful-ish. I went in for my blood draw early and was assured of a call before lunch. I have always waited for that call with my past cycles. I never poas (pee on a stick). Ever. I used to do pregnancy tests at home all the time back in my temping, charting, clomid days. I would squint and tilt and take photos so I could change the light & tint until I maybe saw a ghost of a second line. In reality, those sticks were always pure, stark white minus that one cruel line. And because it "could still be early", I would never truly lose hope until AF arrived and left me crying on my bathroom floor. It was a hell of a roller coaster and I have been terrified of it ever since I moved on to IVF so I always waited for beta. Until today. 

Chad and I have both been so pessimistic, so afraid to even entertain the idea that this FET might really work that we agreed we wanted to find out together and on our terms. If it was negative, fine, but at least we'd be expecting it when the phone rang. So we left the RE's office & rushed to buy tests. I was too scared to look, so at first I just glanced out of the corner of my eye. One line. There was one line. But it had only been 30 seconds. So we both looked again and slowly a 2nd line was coming into view. It wasn't dark but it was clearly visible. No squinting, tilting or altering required! A second line! It was really happening! We were relieved and ready for the phone to ring. We didn't want to get too ahead of ourselves before we heard the numbers. But the call never came. Lunch came & went and the phone didn't ring. I've learned that clinic staff delays making "bad news" calls. They call their good news patients early. It only took 2 hours from blood draw to phone call when I got pregnant with Eliana. 1st beta- 737. Today, six hours had passed so finally I got sick of waiting and called them. The nurse did not sound cheerful or excited. She started with "congrats" but in a way that sounded like it had a question mark at the end of it. Then she told me my beta was 17. One freaking seven. My hope has plummeted to nearly zero. Either this is a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage or the hCG booster I did last Monday still hasn't totally left my system. I have another beta on Thursday to see if my beta changes at all and yeah there is that small sliver of a chance that by some miracle it will shoot up but I'm not counting on it. 

Honestly, it sounds awful, but I'm mostly hoping for a big drop. If this FET isn't the one, I just want to know. I don't want to ride the beta roller coaster again. Back in 2010 when I did my fresh IVF, my emotions were yanked in every possible direction with betas that rose but didn't double, then slightly rose again, then tripled. It was hell never knowing if that pregnancy was going to last. When I finally made it to ultrasound and there was no heartbeat, I was devastated and angry. If the cycle was not going to end in a baby, why did I have to endure that torture? A BFN would have hurt but it would have been easier to mourn. No ups and downs, no D&C, no miscarriage. That loss was painful and the merry-go-round that preceded it was hell. I do not want to do that again. I just want to know. Bad news hurts, it's awful, but it is better than maybes and we'll sees. Limbo sucks and I don't want any part of it. 

I am so mad myself for peeing on that dumb stick and letting it get my hopes up! For those few, short hours, despite my attempts not to, I started to get attached. I began imagining whether Eliana would have a baby brother or sister in the spring. I started thinking about how it would feel to have a big round belly. I contemplated the number of weeks I would wait before telling my friends. I wasn't jumping up and down but I was truly hopeful. And I'm pissed at myself for that. I should have known better. It hurts more this way. It feels like someone offered me what I want most in the world and as soon as I reached to pick it up, they snatched it away and shouted, "Nope! Not this time!". The no sucks but not as much as hearing yes first and having it taken away. 

My heart is slowly breaking. Nothing chips away at that crack quite as much as Eliana's sweet face and her requests for a baby brother or sister. Yesterday, totally out of the blue, she asked me if she could please have a baby brother or sister to hold. She wants it so badly. She tells me she will help with the baby and push the stroller. The hope and love in her eyes when she talks about it is indescribable. It kills me that I almost believed I would be able to fulfill that request nine months from now and now I am not sure when it might happen. I don't know for sure how quickly I will be ready to try again. My emotions just can't handle it. But no matter how sad or hurt I am about this cycle, I am nowhere near the point I was before Eliana was here. These are the same hurts, the same wounds, but they have scar tissue now. I will cry but I will have her to make me smile. I want another baby one day, I want her to have the sibling she craves, but she is enough. This is painful, yes, but it is nothing compared to the hurt of not yet being a mother. So, I will push through the next two days and hope that I have real, solid answers by then. I may cry, I may worry or panic, I may get pissed and hate most of the world, but in the end I will be OK. I just hope that end comes sooner rather than later.

Is It Nap Time Yet?

Well it's Monday, which means I had my 3rd beta today. My last beta level came in at 1315 four days ago, so it should have doubled twice and measured at about 5200 today. I had my blood drawn at 8am and was then told that the results wouldn't be in until after lunch, at about 2pm, a wait that normally would have made me incredibly anxious, but today I have been far too tired to feel very strongly about anything except my desire to curl up with my soft green blanket and pass out. Actually, I was in just such a state when the phone rang this afternoon and my nurse very happily reported that my beta was 6900!

She then decided my number was high enough to warrant an ultrasound but wanted to consult with Dr Jedi first before scheduling the appointment. She said it would either be Friday when we would be able to see the yolk sac but possibly too early for the heartbeat, or Monday when she was confident a heartbeat should be visible. I happily thanked her for the good news and went back into my couch coma. After another hour so she called to schedule the first ultrasound for Monday.

Seems Dr. Jedi thinks those few extra days will be worth it for a better chance of finding a heartbeat. And even though it is a full week's wait, I agree with him. The ultrasound was mine and Sprout's undoing last time. Even worse though was that it was all so inconclusive. At that 1st ultrasound, we were told it was most likely a non-viable pregnancy, but I had 3 more ultrasounds before it was made official. That week and a half of uncertainty and doomed hope made everything so much harder. It forced us to put our grief on hold and dragged out the hurt. I hope with all of my heart that this pregnancy is the one that goes the distance, but either way I want as much accurate and conclusive information as I can get from the very first ultrasound. So those few extra days of waiting is really worth it to me. (Please remind me I said this when I am freaking out at the end of the week, anxiously willing Monday to hurry up and get here.)

Right now though, I feel pretty calm and relaxed about the wait. Or maybe I'm just too sleepy to be nervous. I honestly feel like I have the ability to sleep straight through until next Monday, only waking periodically to do my injections and maybe eat or go to the bathroom. I took 2 naps today, both filled with crazy vivid dreams (one of which lots of my bloggy and twitter friends showed up in!) Yes, these symptoms make me happy but they aren't as comforting as you would think, since the sleepiness and vivid dreams stuck around until well after my last pregnancy was determined to be non-viable. I just need to see the heartbeat to feel like this is real and if I have to wait a few extra days for that, it will be worth it. I am still one tired girl though, so if you need me I will be the girl curled up the couch napping. Wake me when it's Monday again.

You Have Questions, I Have Answers

I know a lot of you have been patiently waiting on the edge of your seats to hear my beta results and some of you may have noticed me not so gracefully dodging your questions about exactly when the test would be. I am so sorry for leaving you all hanging like that. You all have been so amazing and so genuinely supportive during this FET and I don't think I would have survived this cycle without your encouragement. Please don't think I have avoided answering your questions for any reason other than my own crazy nervousness. My blog and twitter followers are the best and I adore you all! So without dragging it out any longer than I already have I can now tell you that I did indeed have my beta and the results came back positive!

I had the first test at my RE's on Tuesday the 27th. Chad and I both took the day off so that we could be together when the news came and either cry or smile privately. I woke up that morning feeling convinced that it would be a bfp (a far cry from how I felt just a few days ago, thanks very much weekend getaway!) but of course then I was immediately terrified at how awful I would feel if I was wrong. I went in for bloodwork at 8:25am and at 10:33am the nurse called and told me that my beta number was 737. Neither of us jumped for joy the same way we did for our first BFP and Chad kept telling himself he wouldn't get overly excited yet, but we couldn't help but smile and get a teeny bit giddy when we called our parents and siblings to tell them the results.

After listening to all the happy voices of our mothers and sisters, we had to again face reality and the anxiety of the 2nd beta. If you remember my first BFP experience, my beta tests and following ultrasounds became a roller coaster of exhausting and heartbreaking emotions as I kept having blood drawn and kept being told that the numbers were rising but not quite enough. The ride ended crushingly in a miscarriage and D&C at 8 weeks. So yesterday morning, I was more nervous waiting for the call to hear whether my hCG had successfully doubled or not than I was waiting to find out whether it was in my system in the first place. After what seemed like the longest 4 hours of my life, the nurse finally called and told me that my beta was 1315, a rise of 78%. She then went on to say this is "not necessarily a bad thing", wording I wish she had thought out before saying because it only increased my anxiety. My next beta is Monday morning.

I want to say that I am as excited and overjoyed as I know I should be, but honestly I am a big pot of nerves with a heap of hopefulness and a dash of excitement thrown in. And that is most likely the state my emotions will stay in until we can hear a heartbeat. I know the heartbeat is not everything, and there will be plenty of other things to get nervous about after that, but since we never made it that far with Sprout, I feel like I can at least begin to embrace and get excited about being pregnant. Right now I still have a hard time using that word in relation to myself. It just doesn't feel really real yet. I am excited and happy and so incredibly grateful, but also very scared that history will repeat itself and this will end badly too. Every time I have a happy thought for myself, a frightened one is in the back of my mind. But I am fighting those fears as best as I can and I know I can win.

Again, thank you to everyone that has supported and encouraged me these past few weeks and especially to those who have hoped for me when my hope was gone. You have no idea how much your support means to me, I truly don't think I would be here without it.

Guarding My Heart

I don't really know if I should admit this but I don't have a good feeling about this FET cycle. I know I am supposed to be optimistic and positive but I just have a gut feeling that this will be a BFN. It's not that I am feeling defeated or trying to be negative, it just seems like one of those times when you just "know". I want this cycle to be it, but my intuition is saying otherwise.

With my IVF in March, I was of course nervous and excited and so many other emotions. I hoped for a positive result and tried to prepare myself for a negative, but somewhere in my heart I just had the feeling it would be a BFP. I was overjoyed when that hope and prediction came true. Then when it came time for the first ultrasound, I had this gut feeling that it wouldn't be good. I have never really talked about this, but the day before the u/s I just knew it wouldn't go well. I wasn't nearly as surprised by our bad news as I could have been because my instincts had warned me ahead of time.

Or at least I think it is my instincts. My good friend Lisa reminded me today that my doubts and fear aren't proof of anything. She said it is just my head trying to protect my heart. And she is right but what my head is missing is that my heart will hurt whether I am optimistic or not. And this got me thinking even more about instinct and intuition.

I have always been a believer in gut feelings but I am starting to really wonder if that belief is slightly misplaced. I mean I also used to think everything happened for a reason, but after all I have been through, I don't believe that anymore either. (a blog post for another time) There is a big push in the world around us to trust our guts, to live in connection with our intuitive nature and let it guide us, but honestly how often are our instincts really right? Do we just convince ourselves of their accuracy based on the times they are correct and conveniently forget when they're not? I wish there was a way to truly test my instincts.

Speaking of testing, I am going to go off topic here because I need some advice from my dear bloggy friends. To test or not to test. My beta is coming up and of course I have to do the blood work no matter what but I am starting to wonder if I should poas before my appt or not. Last time, I was too terrified of a BFN and I waited for the phone call from my RE's office. This time around, I know that a BFN could never be as devastating as the news of my miscarriage, so part of me just wants to get it over with. If my instincts are right and it is negative it seems like an HPT would allow me to rip off the band-aid in minutes instead of waiting hours for results to come in. Then again, do I really want wake up early and go to the RE's office already knowing I will be getting bad news? Any advice or first hand experiences would be so greatly appreciated on this!

As for my intuitive nature and my negative so-called instincts, I am doing my best to focus on the positives. I am reminding myself of the many stories I have heard first hand of those who just knew without a doubt in their minds that their cycle had failed only to be proven completely wrong when the day of truth finally came. If the scientific theories surrounding instinct have any bearing, instincts exist simply for the purpose of self preservation. We know to retreat from unseen danger, just as a squirrel runs from an oncoming car, to keep ourselves safe and protected. If this is the case, my instincts don't know the outcome of anything, they just know that the outcome has the potential to hurt me and is setting off those alerts to keep me as safe as possible. My brain is just doing it's job trying to protect my heart.

ICLW: My Story So Far

Well ICLW is here again and so much has happened since the last one I can't believe it. If you are visiting me for the first time I will give you the short version of my story so far. If you are unfamiliar with ICLW, which stands for International Comment Leaving Week, you can find information here.

My husband Chad and I married in March of 2007 and threw out all forms of birth control shortly after, fully expecting that simply "not preventing" would bring us a baby in no time. By the beginning of 2009, we had accepted that was not the case and began seeking medical help and got more serious about "trying" using charts, OPKs, and other tricks of the trade. Finally in the fall of 2009, we had a full work-up completed and learned that I had at least one blocked fallopian tube. My OB put me on Clomid to increase chances of ovulating on my "good side". I responded well each month but never got pregnant. After three months we abandoned the OB in search of an RE who quickly realized that my blocked tubes were worse than originally thought and recommended IVF.

In February of 2010 I began medications for my first IVF cycle and on March 12th I had 21 mature eggs retrieved. 15 of them fertilized naturally and all grew for 5 days to the blastocyst stage. On March 17th I had two blasts transferred and the other 13 were frozen. Then after what felt like the longest and scariest 2ww of my life, I went in for my beta on March 27th. The nurse called within hours to inform me that I was in fact pregnant with an hCG level of 235. It was the one of the most wonderful moments in my life, but the joy was short lived.

My beta rose but did not double for two of the following tests. Finally after an agonizing week of worry, it rose to well above where it should be and my first ultrasound was scheduled. At the appointment I should have been about 6 weeks along, but when my RE looked he could only find small bits of debris in an otherwise empty gestational sac. Another beta, another rise, so another ultrasound just to check again with the hope that there was a late implantation. Another week of worry and waiting. The next ultrasound on April 16th revealed a bigger, but still mostly empty sac and it was officially declared to be an early pregnancy failure and an impending miscarriage. I was told to stop all medications and come back for another beta to see if the numbers began dropping.

I went for the beta yesterday, April 20th, and being back in that office was a hell I could not wait to escape. Everything about being there reminded me of the pain of learning that the pregnancy I had finally achieved after 3 years of struggle was gone. As soon as I got outside I burst into sobs. When the office called me in the afternoon it was to inform me that my beta is still rising. So although we all know it is over, I have to go back this Friday, the 23rd for one more ultrasound. I dread that appointment and the pain of seeing the empty black hole inside my uterus again. This loss is a pain worse than anything I have ever known. I still can't believe that I had finally realized my dream only to have it all taken away. If infertility is unfair and painful, miscarriage in the midst of infertility can be pure torture.

I apologize for not having more messages of hope or optimism. It is just not a place that I have reached yet, the pain is still far too fresh. I promise I am usually a much more upbeat and optimistic person, and as such I find myself feeling guilty for not being more hopeful right now. I think once I get through the physical pregnancy and begin moving toward trying again, that the naturally happy me will begin to return. I do plan to go forward with a frozen embryo transfer once my body is ready so if you stick around there will be signs of hope and life again soon. My story is not over yet and I am not ready to give up on becoming a mom.

Thank you for stopping by, please feel free to poke around at my past posts and leave comments letting me know more about yourself. I hope to get to know even more wonderful bloggers this week and hear more about your stories.

Not Over Yet

Today has been a whirlwind of crazy proportions. If you missed the morning's events, please read my previous post. I got the call a little while ago and I have to admit it was not what I was expecting, but it is what I was hoping. My beta levels are still rising. I have an hCG level of 18,100 which is a 73% rise from my last test a week ago. A pretty good rise indeed. We go in for another ultrasound on Friday morning, and hopefully we will see what we should have seen today. And so, yet another week of life in limbo is upon me. Thank you all for the continued prayers, positive thoughts and support. I feel like a yo-yo lately with all of the up and down news and emotions and having your support really does mean so much. Chad and I have agreed that if we are blessed enough to meet this child(ren) we will no doubt share with them the miracle that is their early life story. I just pray we get that chance.

Sprouting Life!

I am so beyond happy and relieved to report the week of beta agony is finally over! After a very long and anxious day of waiting for my morning test results with no phone call, I finally called my RE's office to get the results. The nurse first apologized for not calling sooner and then explained that she was waiting to get confirmation from the doctor on some things before calling me.

Of course, my brain very quickly started swirling with thoughts about what kind of things she'd need to confirm and whether it was good or bad. As I tried to articulate these thoughts she realized how anxious I was and said my results were good though. I asked how good and she said my beta levels were 2659! I felt so shocked so ecstatic and emotional, I couldn't breathe. I made her repeat the number to make sure I heard right and I did, 2659 up from the 822 level two days ago. I did the math, it tripled! I thanked her profusely for delivering the good the news then immediately called Chad to tell him the good news.

I was still shaking and barely breathing when I called him so the poor guy had to go keep his own emotional outburst in check while he tried to decipher what I was saying. Finally he heard "tripled" and let it all out. Since then he has spent the the evening randomly coming up to me and whispering "You're Pregnant!" with a silly smile on his face. He even exclaimed to a stranger on the sidewalk "My wife's pregnant!" To say he is elated is understatement.

The past week has been so difficult and full of so much anxiety it feels so amazing to know there is life sprouting and growing inside me! I know there are many more miles to go before I can hold Sprout in my arms but I am so grateful to be out of beta limbo. I can't thank all of you enough for all the of the kind words and support you've given me this week and for all of your prayers and positive thoughts. I am so lucky to be a part of such a loving community. Thank you.

So since Sprout and I have graduated from beta tests, we have scheduled our first ultrasound for next Monday the 12th. When the nurse called to schedule she kept repeating "pre-natal ultrasound", as in, "I am calling to schedule your 1st pre-natal ultrasound" and "See you next week for your pre-natal ultrasound". I love the way that sounds! Like music to my ears. I will be right at 6 weeks so I am not expecting a heartbeat yet but I am so thrilled to be at this stage and to know that I can enjoy this next week without worrying so much. I can write down symptoms in my pregnancy journal and daydream about how we are going to re-do the office into a nursery. Most importantly I can let myself relax enough to actually believe that I am pregnant and nourishing my amazing little Sprout!

Hope Is Greater Than Fear

I worked very hard this past week to conquer my fears about this pregnancy and my slightly lower than ideal beta numbers. I talked to friends and family, got a lot of really great first hand information from my wonderful friends online and by the end of the week I felt so much more confident that the 64% rise in hCG was completely normal and totally fine. I had hardly any doubt that my beta Friday would bring me good news and some relief. But I was wrong.

A different nurse called this time and she sounded far less gloomy than the last so I was prepared for much better news and much higher increases but I didn't get that. My hCG levels only rose 46% over 4 days. At my first beta last Saturday they were 235, then 2 days later 385 and now 4 more days go by and they are 822. The nurse said the fact that they are still rising is good and I am doing another test Monday morning. She said we will keep monitoring betas until the levels are high enough for an ultrasound. I am very grateful that my doctor and his staff are not giving up on me or my baby, but I am still scared.

I am trying to stay focused on the positive and trust that this will all turn out OK. I know there are so many miracle stories out there and people I know firsthand, that had low numbers or falling numbers that turned around and went on to be healthy pregnancies and beautiful babies. I want my hope to be stronger than my fear. I know that hope and love can conquer fear and I am doing all I can to hold on to that, but it isn't easy. The thing that scares me most right now is that my rate of increase actually dropped. Not only did it not double, but it slowed down even more. Now every little symptom or more accurately lack thereof, puts knots in my stomach.

I feel just like I have during so many two week waits, anxiously poking and pushing my breasts to see if they are as sore as they were yesterday; noting every instance that I have to use the bathroom; zeroing in on every abdominal cramp, twinge, or pull. If I don't feel fatigued or sleepy during the day I get nervous. And seeing pregnant women or babies first makes me smile right before I have run to my car to cry and beg my little Sprout to stay with me.

I have another long weekend ahead, but in spite of the fear I do still have hope that my numbers will keep rising and hopefully even be high enough for an ultrasound on Monday. Thank you again to all of you that have been there for us this past week and for all of your crossed fingers, prayers and positive growing vibes. It gives me more comfort than you know. Please keep those positive thoughts and prayers coming and I will be doing all I can to conquer my fear and stay hopeful to help my Sprout grow.

Wordless Wednesday: I Choose Hope

I Want Off This Roller Coaster!

It has been 2 days since my first beta confirming pregnancy and this morning I went in for my 2nd round of blood work. Of course me being me and having "infertile brain" I was kinda nervous after the blood draw and the longer it took to get the call with my results, the more nervous I became. Finally the phone rang and I got the update. My progesterone and estrogen levels are right where they should be, so I am continuing my injections and gel as I have been since the transfer. The hCG levels on the other hand are another story.

I could tell right away by the nurse's voice when she called that something was not quite right. And then when she said "I'm calling to talk to you about your blood test" (instead of tell you about it) I got really nervous. My 1st beta on Saturday morning was around 230 and it supposed to double every 48 hours, which means they expected today's to be around 460. Instead it was only 385, a rise of about 64% according to the clinic. The nurse told me to be "cautiously optimistic" and then advised me to stay calm and relaxed until my next beta which is not until Friday. Thankfully she did acknowledge that this was easier said than done. I am trying very hard to stay as calm as possible but inside I am so incredibly scared.

I called Chad and relayed the entire conversation to him. He sounded like the wind had been knocked out of him and then said he was coming home. I told him he didn't need to but really I am glad he did. I just needed a hug from him if nothing else. When he got home we both Googled and I tweeted and I am happy to say we did get some reassuring information. A rise over 60% is considered adequate and there is still a good chance everything will be fine.

Of course, that doesn't completely stop me from being scared out of my mind. I know I have only been pregnant for two days but I don't think I can survive the heartbreak if it doesn't last. I am holding on to every ounce of faith and hope I have that this will turn out OK, but part of me just wants to cry out "It isn't fair!" Trying to become a mom has been such a roller coaster already. For the past 3 years I have been through so many physical and emotional ups, downs, twists and turns and finally the light at the end had appeared, only to throw me into another loop. Why can't it ever just be simple? I thought surviving last week while I anxiously waited to find out if my IVF was successful was bad, but now I have to wait almost another week to find out if my success will be short lived or not. I just want off this roller coaster already! I will gladly get onto another one, as I know parenting is a roller coaster of emotions too, but I am ready to say goodbye to this one!

Thank you so much to everyone that has been there for me today by providing kinds words and reassuring information, as well as for keeping me and Sprout in your thoughts and prayers. It means more to me and has helped more than you will ever know. I hope I have good news to share on Friday.

And The Results Are...

BFP!!!!!!

I had my beta at 7:45am. After a very nervous breakfast out with Chad, we got the call at 9:38am in which the the nurse asked if I was sitting down because I was pregnant! Beta levels are approximately 230mIU/hCG and I am going in on Monday to make sure everything is doubling and hopefully schedule an ultrasound to find out if I am growing one or two little sprouts.

I just can't believe it. It doesn't feel real. Don't mind me if I am pinching myself for the next few weeks, it's just too good to be true! Thanks again for all of your continued love and support. I don't think I would've made it here without it!