tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88385734359977635502024-03-27T10:44:27.085-07:00Ready To Be A MomHollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.comBlogger193125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-48702134334250580192014-03-27T22:42:00.002-07:002014-03-27T22:43:06.457-07:00Carrots & Closure <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWSGzUGjFUsqts4di2iGT7P1zhFItFrsuyICu9OJnhumlWNqlB3uiRwTDbmU0Cb6c0Hq1GQ0jE2JpmXa0z2xlnDXTCNDSCtvyFQf3F4fUWwDlPLQCR-pHV-F74ageXOI_khCvofVq52LI/s1600/carrot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWSGzUGjFUsqts4di2iGT7P1zhFItFrsuyICu9OJnhumlWNqlB3uiRwTDbmU0Cb6c0Hq1GQ0jE2JpmXa0z2xlnDXTCNDSCtvyFQf3F4fUWwDlPLQCR-pHV-F74ageXOI_khCvofVq52LI/s1600/carrot.jpg" height="179" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some time ago, my 2 year old daughter threw an unexpected temper tantrum over dinner at Disneyland. This may not sound like an unexpected thing to you, after all this is a a 2 year old we are talking about</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">, a 2 year old being forced to interact with actual food at the happiest, tantrum capital on Earth. So you're right, the fit itself was absolutely to be expected, it was the impact it had and what it taught me that was so surprising. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">It all started with a carrot. Snow Pea was dining on peas and baby carrots quite happily during dinner, carefully chewing each bite in hopes of scoring dessert at the end of her meal. Then, just as she was opening her mouth and about to tip the last carrot in, it fell to floor. She lost it. Completely melted down. "My carrot! I need my carrot!" Doing what any well-meaning but absent minded parent would do, I explained that the carrot was gone but it would be ok. Look! You can have dessert now! You didn't finish the last carrot but you get chocolate pie! But she didn't want chocolate pie. She only wanted that carrot. That last bite she was so ready for, but that had been taken away by an unfortunate combination of gravity and unrefined motor skills, was all that mattered. It was the first time I saw my daughter truly sob. Big, fat tears rolled down her face as she bawled, "my carrot! my carrot!"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">I did not know what to do. I kept trying to comfort her, calm her down, but nothing helped. Until finally, I picked up the poor, lost carrot and let her hold it in her hand. I explained that she couldn't eat it and she just looked at it, took a big sigh and then put it on her plate. She stopped crying and asked quietly for a bite of the pie. And then I realized, it wasn't the carrot itself she needed, it was closure! My 2 year old reminded me, in what may seem like the silliest way, just how crucial of a need that is to all of us when our heart is set on something that we no longer get to have. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Since our third failed FET at the end of last year, I have struggled with my emotions and the unrest at not being able to decide what our next move will be. Chad and I had originally agreed that if December failed, that we would be done with trying and just live as a family of 3. But when I met with my RE we discovered that I had a uterine polyp that was a very likely culprit for the previous failures. After that I was very quickly scheduled for surgery to remove it and have my also potentially damaging tubes removed. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">That was in January and my brain has been a yo-yo ever since. To cycle again or not? To be focus solely on my one, wonderful child or to do this just one more time? That last failure left me feeling so broken, so defeated, I really haven't wanted to go through it again. But then there was the surgery and with it that possibility that my body actually is capable of doing this again. I have gone back and forth a million times. More than anything, I want to be done with this phase of my life. I want to be out of the limbo that infertility creates and move forward to something else, whether that is with one child in my arms or two. But what I learned from the carrot is that I need closure to do that. And I know deep down that with the surgery success and embryos still in the freezer, that closure will never come unless I take the plunge again. I will always wonder "what if?" and I can't truly move forward with that in my head & heart. I have no doubt that I will be crushed if this still doesn't work. I will cry, I will hurt, I will mourn but I will find peace knowing that I can allow myself to let go. I can pick up that carrot that is my dysfunctional body, heave a big sigh and grab a bite of chocolate pie instead. </span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-6703022055136001702014-02-27T15:19:00.000-08:002014-02-27T15:19:05.863-08:00Super Sappy Mushiness<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif3SeXCwrObpensAm5B-Ah0l1qYheTflds8E8yAhB1UXisNA4lvVIgef-nRR_b_MUsmWssg0EILjRCDyYTw0TYxLv9MagODdyZ2ndKGYPCG4aD2R9POVHT0N3K451Fi6_C_-A5N8MItSY/s1600/friendship008.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif3SeXCwrObpensAm5B-Ah0l1qYheTflds8E8yAhB1UXisNA4lvVIgef-nRR_b_MUsmWssg0EILjRCDyYTw0TYxLv9MagODdyZ2ndKGYPCG4aD2R9POVHT0N3K451Fi6_C_-A5N8MItSY/s1600/friendship008.gif" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Looking at my recent blog posts, it seems as if pretty much nothing has gone right for me the past few months. True, the end of last year pretty much sucked and I started this year in a bit of a depression but that doesn't mean there hasn't been anything worth smiling about. And that's what I want to do now- share the positives. As expected and as usual, they pretty much revolve around the amazing, loving, supportive people I have in my life. I quite honestly find at least one moment in every single day that makes me feel humbled and grateful for the love in my life. I really do feel so privileged to know the people that I do and it makes me emotional and gushy- so bear with me. (I can't even get through this paragraph without welling up!) </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I also feel insanely guilty after these amazing people come through for me the way they do and I find myself unable to sufficiently thank them. I mean, sure I say thank you, I cry, I gush over how much their kindness has meant to me, I give hugs to those I can. But it is never enough. How do you properly thank the friend that remembered your upcoming surgery and had a special treat delivered right to your door at just the right moment? Or the one that despite being inundated with her own stresses with a new baby & toddler sends you a heartfelt letter of empathy? Or the very pregnant friend that shows genuine care for your feelings at HER baby shower and then follows it up with a spa gift card? And then takes care of your daughter while you recover from surgery and sends over homemade soup? How do you properly express your gratitude to the caring friends that put up with your long twitter and blog absences yet are still there to support you the moment you need them- no questions asked? Or to the family members that listen with an open mind but also understand and respect your desire to not talk about it? And this is just the tip of the iceberg. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dealing with infertility, there is never a shortage of horror stories about the wrong thing said or the insensitive comments endured. I have had my share of those and they still cause that bit of nervous tension before I open my mouth to someone new, not quite knowing what to expect in response. But I have also experienced so much love and support that it is possible for me to choose to focus on that instead. Without a doubt the most profound (and tear inducing) act of love and kindness came from my closest friends this holiday season. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My sister, my husband, my two best friends and another very close friend all have a hangout chat that we have been engaged in for a couple of years now. We aren't all in the same place and this ongoing convo between us is a fun way to be together even when we can't do so physically. These are pretty much my favorite people in the world and I love knowing that they are always there. For much of the cycling we endured recently, they were the first, and sometimes only, to know what was happening. These are the people that know me in every aspect- my faults and flaws along with my strengths. They understand why I'm doing something before I do. They know me in that way only people you have been close with for a long time can. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I shouldn't have been so surprised when they knew, that despite my insistence that I was ok with being done cycling and that all those failed cycles weren't a huge deal, that I was actually hurting more than I even realized. I also shouldn't have been dumbfounded when Chad and I received the immensely generous, supportive gift they got together to give us at the beginning of the year. They, along with my mom and my sister's boyfriend, showed us a level of support that I still can't think about without getting overwhelmed with emotion. And they didn't do it to be flashy or to get lots of attention and thanks. They did it quietly and simply said- "We love you, we are here for you". And followed it up by making me laugh. What could be better? I just wish there was some way I could repay them and the level of support they've given me. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have this whole wealth of stuff about having had surgery last month and all the emotions that came with it that I still need to get out and work through. I also have been riding an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs about what our next steps are and whether a second child is in our future at all. I have at least 3 blog posts in there somewhere. But right now I just need to again say thank you to anyone and everyone that has supported me through all of these ups and downs (and if you are reading this, then that probably applies to you!). I feel like a broken record, but if thanking my friends for being there for me is the repeat I am stuck on, I figure at least in that regard, I'm a very</span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> lucky girl. </span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-72670748102796169232014-01-15T22:51:00.000-08:002014-01-15T22:51:29.547-08:00Remembering to Feel<span style="color: #0c343d;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Struggling through trying to have a child with infertility for the second time never stops surprising me with its ability to hurt in new and different ways than it did the first time around. It is as if all of the coping skills I thought I had found the first time have disappeared. Or maybe what has happened, is that my life has changed so drastically that I have no choice but to learn new coping skills that fit with the life I have now. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The biggest problem I have realized, is that I keep forgetting that I have a problem. When I was trying to have a child the first time, absolutely everything else stopped. The only thing in my life that mattered was my endeavor to be a mom. I put all of my mental, physical and emotional energy into it. There was nothing else that really needed my attention and it mattered so much, so it was easy to do. And when I was feeling heartbroken due to a failed cycle or a loss, it was easy to throw myself into that pain- to really feel it, cry, mourn and work through it. Everything is completely different now. Now there is so much in my life that I happily devote my energy to. My daughter, my marriage, my volunteer & advocacy roles, my network of friends- these things keep me busy and give me just enough things to smile about that I keep forgetting that I actually am in pain. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I haven't started to believe I am feeling better, instead I have kept myself busy enough to forget there is even anything to be unhappy about. My brain keeps forgetting, but my body remembers. It isn't until I am sitting on my couch, wishing I could make my to-do list disappear, turn off my phone, curl into a ball and stare into the abyss for the rest of the day that I start to remember that maybe there is a reason for it. And even then, I first spend half a day wondering why it is that I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything before I think that just maybe this whole infertility thing is the problem. Because that's the thing- I am not thinking about it everyday. I am not disinterested and lethargic everyday and when I do feel that way, it is not in response to any sort of external trigger or even any internal thoughts. It just comes on and I feel helpless to understand it. I am not even sad. I'm just numb. Yesterday, I enjoyed dinner & wine at a friend's, laughing and conversing the whole evening in a genuinely good mood. Today, I can barely crack a smile or even fake excitement about scheduling a weekend vacation that I should be thrilled about.The back and forth is confusing & making me realize I still haven't properly allowed myself to wallow and then work through the hurt as I know I should. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The problem is, I am not sure how to access my feeling and get through them. I have inadvertently forced myself to push them down & now have no clue how to bring them back up. Do I watch a tear-jerker movie just to get the ball rolling? I know from experience that the breakdown waiting for me if I don't figure out how to deal with this, will be far more explosive than it has to be if I can just get it out now. It's so weird, knowing that I should cry, feel pain and emotion but instead I just feel numb and hollow. I have nothing close to tears or even the sadness I felt even a week ago but I know it's all there under the surface. Last week, it was so accessible that just hearing a triggering phrase in my yoga class had tears flowing down my cheeks. I felt slightly crazy, but it was also mildly cathartic to feel that direct connection to my feelings and to healthily express them. Today I am just empty. I even went to the same candlelight yoga class tonight, hoping that the stretches, breathing and moments of peace would just help me feel more like me- more in touch with myself. Instead, I could not wait to get out of there and kept wishing I could be home on my couch, curled under a blanket. Writing this post is my last attempt to force myself to be in touch with, at the very least, my numbness if I can't tap into the cause of it right now.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is this what depression looks like? Or am I just having "one of those days"? I am always so hesitant to even think about that because I don't want to assume that just because I am sad and numb today that I will be sad and numb tomorrow. I am a forever changing yo-yo lately. Plenty of my days since that last BFN have been genuinely good ones. Maybe this is my new way of working through it. Instead of putting my life on hold to focus solely on infertility, my current struggle and my feelings about it, maybe I just have to take it one day at a time with one step forward and two steps back. A few hours of very good feelings followed by half a day of sad, numb ones- experiencing these things little by little as I face each new moment as it comes. Hopefully, I will slowly find the place within myself and my life that I can be at peace with my body, my struggle and with whatever happens next. </span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-85456838891929249882014-01-07T22:33:00.001-08:002014-01-07T22:33:12.210-08:00Heartbreak 2.0<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2rVkKxkNc8p5F3IZBlqD8ZirwQgRWe7RN5A0ZMTGD2eZW0c0RQMQW0pxNCwGNed9asUPEYMcRguLNlPslDrlYUk1qb4RGGznksb5_nmbypc-QfYjrNsn5_qpPNz9oBVhJTGICQQ9kMbs/s1600/heartbreak.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2rVkKxkNc8p5F3IZBlqD8ZirwQgRWe7RN5A0ZMTGD2eZW0c0RQMQW0pxNCwGNed9asUPEYMcRguLNlPslDrlYUk1qb4RGGznksb5_nmbypc-QfYjrNsn5_qpPNz9oBVhJTGICQQ9kMbs/s1600/heartbreak.jpg" height="184" width="320" /></a><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can't even begin to tell you how many blog posts I have written in my head the past 6 weeks but never gotten around to actually writing. The biggest reason of which is that I have been too afraid. We have been so secretive about our FETs this past year, and I have opened this blog up to so many people in my life- I guess I just wasn't ready to share yet. But now it's becoming too much and I am finding myself feeling more lost than I did the first time around, and I realize how desperately I need to stop trying to keep it all in.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Infertility 2.0 was supposed to be easier, less painful and traumatic somehow. We have already endured the years of trying on our own, the tedium of temping, the anxiety of testing & diagnosis, the marathon of IVF, the hell of miscarriage and finally the joy of successful FET. We knew what to expect. We knew the problems and how to treat them. There was no reason this shouldn't work. No reason this time shouldn't have been smoother, simpler than than the first. Oh how very wrong we were. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In 2013, we had 3 failed FET cycles. With the 5 embryos lost to these failures added to the 3 that didn't make it the first time around, that puts the viability of my embryos so far at 1 in 9- far below the 1 in 3 my RE predicted based on my age, hormone levels and our combined egg/sperm quality. 5 transfers, 9 embryos, one child- I am beating the odds in a terrible way. And I was not at all prepared for this or for how it would affect me. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we started infertility treatment 2.0 this past summer, I not only felt fairly confident we would have an easier time achieving success, but that if for some reason we didn't I would be more ok with everything than I was the first time. I think I even said so on my blog. After all, I wasn't a mom last time and now I am. Who cares if I have one baby or two? I'm a mom when I wasn't before and the headcount of my household doesn't change that fact. Which is still true, of course. In so many ways it is not as painful, it doesn't cut the same way the fight for motherhood did. But it still hurts and cuts in new ways I never saw coming. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My body has now failed me more than it had in 2010 when we were going through IVF/FET. Then, I just couldn't get pregnant without help but after the hormones and the procedures, my body did a pretty good job of behaving as it should. I felt damaged for sure, but I didn't feel quite as broken as I do now. Today, I met with my RE and discussed the possibility that fluid in my fallopian tubes may be creating a toxic womb environment and destroying what would otherwise be healthy, viable embryos. The thought that my own body is responsible for literally killing my embryos is soul crushing. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do I maintain a healthy self-esteem when my own body is so broken and dysfunctional? How do I stave off the despair, self-blame and depression that comes from infertility when I think about my own body actually poisoning my attempts to further build my family? How do I control my anger when I realize that we have spent thousands of dollars, I have forced myself through hundreds of injections, and we have tolerated months of anxiety, false hopes and heartbreak all with absolutely nothing to show for it? </span></span><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do I hold back the flood of tears when my daughter comes running into the room to show me that she has been practicing her sign language so she can teach it to the baby brother or sister she keeps begging me for? How do I manage the guilt and shame at letting all of this hurt so much when I know I am lucky to have such an amazing child, even if she is my only one? Infertility as once again made me feel like a failure, this time as a woman, a wife, an advocate and a mother. I just wasn't prepared for all the new ways my heart would break when we set back out on this road. </span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-31567797231208946322013-11-04T23:32:00.001-08:002013-11-04T23:32:28.576-08:00Another One Bites the Dust <span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Writing and blogging really is such a cathartic way to deal with everything that happens in life, and I don't know why I don't make more time to do it. Mostly, just the regular excuses about being busy and distracted I guess. I mean, yeah I actually am busy and I do get distracted but I should make more quality time for myself. Especially now. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After September's chemical pregnancy, I realized how very much I want to have another child so Chad and I plunged straight into another cycle. I was already in the habit of nightly injections, so might as well keep them going. And yeah that cycle ended badly, but this next one was sure to work, right? I won't keep you in suspense, the answer is no. Today was beta and my official BFN. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not that it was a shock. I poas'd earlier this weekend knowing Chad was leaving town for work today, and neither of us wanted to be apart immediately after getting the results, so we decided it was better to find out sooner rather than later. Both our hopes were much higher than either us had confessed though, so seeing that single, lonely line Saturday afternoon was crushing to say the least. Still, I don't regret it. Testing early didn't change the outcome and it gave us both time together to process. What knowing didn't change is that it still hurt like hell hearing the nurse say the word "negative" on the phone this morning. I knew that's what she would say. I was fully prepared for it. So why did it still sting? Why does infertility continue to find new ways to make me hurt? </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I became a mom after so much pain and heartbreak, I knew that trying again one day would be hard, but I also knew it would never hurt that same way again. It would never be as raw and intense as the pain of having empty arms. When we finally started our FETs for baby #2, I was confident that I knew what to expect, that I wouldn't be surprised by pain like I had been in the past. But here I am shocked by all of the unexpected ways infertility wracked my emotions yet again. I was still right that it isn't as extreme of a pain as I endured before motherhood, but it is still pain nonetheless, and it still tears at all of my old wounds even as it rips open new ones. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is my first IVF/FET cycle in which no implantation at all took place. Granted I've only had one child, but I have had 3 "pregnancies". I haven't stared down a straightforward BFN, with no confusing betas or possible positives since my clomid days 4 years ago. And while this complete failure is making me question whether I could have done anything different to get a better outcome, it has also verified a long held suspicion that even though a BFN hurts like hell, it isn't as unbearable as thinking I might actually be getting what I want and having it cruelly ripped away from me. So I guess I have that as a silver lining this cycle? Yeah I am not pregnant, but at least I never was? Honestly, when you are facing this heartbreak, you have to take what you can get when it comes to finding the good in it. And as pessimistic as I sound there is some good. Or at least some hope, anyway. We are very lucky in that we still have frozen embryos left so we can keep trying without having to worry about the time and expense of a fresh IVF cycle. Although, after two failed cycles, we seem to be investing quite a bit of time and money after all. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But back to the hope. As negative and angry as I feel at the moment, I know hope is still there. It isn't over and there is still a good chance that this will work in the end. Although, if I am being honest, I am not really certain of my belief that it will work, and in fact, I am kind of terrified that it won't. I am already crushed that my so many of my family dreams have had to be re-written or let go of altogether, I am just not ready to let go of this one yet. So for now, I am not going to. Thanks to travel and holiday schedules we won't be able to transfer again until next year, which kills me, but hopefully I can use this time off to relax and recharge before subjecting myself to hundreds more needles. I can only hope that the new year brings realized dreams along with it. </span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-88167333433035449092013-10-16T21:08:00.001-07:002013-10-16T21:32:17.037-07:00Hope & Loss<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKI8B62L7BbvI3iWFSZYRLaDMedd4-YskIzqAjc89Egu0sRwedwwqUUMysNOffeZRW57u7iwCAdu8ZSDPYo1IYAaVmpu-Cku-_f7pNV-F2zP5oJuqhuglfQGHcA6GWUQt-HAy_mUhuOKw/s1600/october15thwm-475x316.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKI8B62L7BbvI3iWFSZYRLaDMedd4-YskIzqAjc89Egu0sRwedwwqUUMysNOffeZRW57u7iwCAdu8ZSDPYo1IYAaVmpu-Cku-_f7pNV-F2zP5oJuqhuglfQGHcA6GWUQt-HAy_mUhuOKw/s320/october15thwm-475x316.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yesterday was October 15, or as it is known in the infertility and loss communities- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Each year on this day for quite a few years now, I have stopped to honor each of the parents that have faced the heartbreak of saying goodbye too soon. All over the world, fellow miscarriage, ectopic and infant loss sufferers send messages of support, light candles and remember the babies that live on in our hearts, despite us being unable to hold them in our arms. We say their names out loud, we share our stories with others, we mourn the lives we'll never know. It is simultaneously, a difficult and uplifting day. Every year, I am saddened by how many new members have joined the wretched & hellish world of loss but I am also awed and inspired by how many new supporters I discover. Each year there is a little bit less stigma, a tad less awkwardness and lot more love. It is amazing to witness in real time the growth that happens within society as a whole the more we talk about the realities of loss. And the reality is that it can and does happen to anyone. With an estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies ending is miscarriage or other loss, it is crucial that we are able to speak about these losses and the feelings that come with them. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It has been three years since my first miscarriage when Chad and I said goodbye to the dreams we had for our Sprout. My heart still can't help but wonder sometimes what life would have been like if that pregnancy hadn't ended in heartbreak. And now that my "Big Fat Maybe" is officially a Big Fat Chemical Pregnancy, I am already wondering what could have been if that embryo had continued growing instead of resulting in an early miscarriage. I probably will always wonder a bit about both of those pregnancies, about what could have been and I will always have cracks in my heart as result. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Those few hours of blissful hope after my positive home pregnancy test last month and then the devastation I felt once I learned the pregnancy wouldn't last, opened my eyes to how deeply I actually do want a second child. I have spent nearly three years shielding my heart and mind from believing it mattered to me as much it actually does. And seeing how much it also matters to Chad and Eliana, I can't help but dive back in, despite my earlier fears that I would need a much longer break before trying again. Granted, the actual transfer is still a little ways away, so there's still time to change my mind (and I have definitely already considered it) but for now I am moving forward to FET #3 with hope that this cycle will result in a much happier outcome. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And although October 15 is just one day and that day has come and gone this year, I will continue to honor the memories of all the little ones gone far too soon. The names of so many precious children are etched in my heart and I will carry them with me always. Ayla, Juliet, Thomas, Bayli, Rudyard, Desmond, Oscar, Audrey, Logan, Brody, Wyatt, Sophia, Caydence, TT and all the others we have lost- you are cherished, remembered and missed. </span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-63657867115930303872013-09-24T22:13:00.001-07:002013-09-24T22:18:49.409-07:00Big Fat Maybe<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqhxWnXI7rsMug4CuaOFG8tzkLXOX9MJLwmQ8iJfCLgOuQV2MAT1OK1czmgAvCVSYV_N4z9ZAZNUIsIlUPME1Z_vb23DlSSBnmUXrmZoJY8VIuhOrJE7nmfO-wdJ3aXBOgWGPNGFjiQBM/s1600/index.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqhxWnXI7rsMug4CuaOFG8tzkLXOX9MJLwmQ8iJfCLgOuQV2MAT1OK1czmgAvCVSYV_N4z9ZAZNUIsIlUPME1Z_vb23DlSSBnmUXrmZoJY8VIuhOrJE7nmfO-wdJ3aXBOgWGPNGFjiQBM/s1600/index.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today was the big day: Beta day. Oh how I dread beta day! The agony of waiting for that damn phone to ring after my blood has been drawn is one of the big reasons I kept putting of this FET. The day started out hopeful-ish. I went in for my blood draw early and was assured of a call before lunch. I have always waited for that call with my past cycles. I never poas (pee on a stick). Ever. I used to do pregnancy tests at home all the time back in my temping, charting, clomid days. I would squint and tilt and take photos so I could change the light & tint until I maybe saw a ghost of a second line. In reality, those sticks were always pure, stark white minus that one cruel line. And because it "could still be early", I would never truly lose hope until AF arrived and left me crying on my bathroom floor. It was a hell of a roller coaster and I have been terrified of it ever since I moved on to IVF so I always waited for beta. Until today. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chad and I have both been so pessimistic, so afraid to even entertain the idea that this FET might really work that we agreed we wanted to find out together and on our terms. If it was negative, fine, but at least we'd be expecting it when the phone rang. So we left the RE's office & rushed to buy tests. I was too scared to look, so at first I just glanced out of the corner of my eye. One line. There was one line. But it had only been 30 seconds. So we both looked again and slowly a 2nd line was coming into view. It wasn't dark but it was clearly visible. No squinting, tilting or altering required! A second line! It was really happening! We were relieved and ready for the phone to ring. We didn't want to get too ahead of ourselves before we heard the numbers. But the call never came. Lunch came & went and the phone didn't ring. I've learned that clinic staff delays making "bad news" calls. They call their good news patients early. It only took 2 hours from blood draw to phone call when I got pregnant with Eliana. 1st beta- 737. Today, six hours had passed so finally I got sick of waiting and called them. The nurse did not sound cheerful or excited. She started with "congrats" but in a way that sounded like it had a question mark at the end of it. Then she told me my beta was 17. One freaking seven. My hope has plummeted to nearly zero. Either this is a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage or the hCG booster I did last Monday still hasn't totally left my system. I have another beta on Thursday to see if my beta changes at all and yeah there is that small sliver of a chance that by some miracle it will shoot up but I'm not counting on it. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Honestly, it sounds awful, but I'm mostly hoping for a big drop. If this FET isn't the one, I just want to know. I don't want to ride the beta roller coaster again. Back in 2010 when I did my fresh IVF, my emotions were yanked in every possible direction with betas that rose but didn't double, then slightly rose again, then tripled. It was hell never knowing if that pregnancy was going to last. When I finally made it to ultrasound and there was no heartbeat, I was devastated and angry. If the cycle was not going to end in a baby, why did I have to endure that torture? A BFN would have hurt but it would have been easier to mourn. No ups and downs, no D&C, no miscarriage. That loss was painful and the merry-go-round that preceded it was hell. I do not want to do that again. I just want to know. Bad news hurts, it's awful, but it is better than maybes and we'll sees. Limbo sucks and I don't want any part of it. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am so mad myself for peeing on that dumb stick and letting it get my hopes up! For those few, short hours, despite my attempts not to, I started to get attached. I began imagining whether Eliana would have a baby brother or sister in the spring. I started thinking about how it would feel to have a big round belly. I contemplated the number of weeks I would wait before telling my friends. I wasn't jumping up and down but I was truly hopeful. And I'm pissed at myself for that. I should have known better. It hurts more this way. It feels like someone offered me what I want most in the world and as soon as I reached to pick it up, they snatched it away and shouted, "Nope! Not this time!". The no sucks but not as much as hearing yes first and having it taken away. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My heart is slowly breaking. Nothing chips away at that crack quite as much as Eliana's sweet face and her requests for a baby brother or sister. Yesterday, totally out of the blue, she asked me if she could please have a baby brother or sister to hold. She wants it so badly. She tells me she will help with the baby and push the stroller. The hope and love in her eyes when she talks about it is indescribable. It kills me that I almost believed I would be able to fulfill that request nine months from now and now I am not sure when it might happen. I don't know for sure how quickly I will be ready to try again. My emotions just can't handle it. But no matter how sad or hurt I am about this cycle, I am nowhere near the point I was before Eliana was here. These are the same hurts, the same wounds, but they have scar tissue now. I will cry but I will have her to make me smile. I want another baby one day, I want her to have the sibling she craves, but she is enough. This is painful, yes, but it is nothing compared to the hurt of not yet being a mother. So, I will push through the next two days and hope that I have real, solid answers by then. I may cry, I may worry or panic, I may get pissed and hate most of the world, but in the end I will be OK. I just hope that end comes sooner rather than later. </span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-9019179949713177632013-09-12T22:25:00.001-07:002013-09-12T22:25:19.492-07:00Frozen in Fear <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz2Mozn-BwQyTJyyzfTI9Pe7UEmgzPYSaU3zRN8unckkQg_IkiOTmdGrkuCsiSYkHjS0zulF-pXinze_AYcujICWAWt2J6sOxu63wV3U14jS0aAJ9sKwgb_wkOGSNokUp1Or-MscRp-wg/s1600/IMAG2741-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz2Mozn-BwQyTJyyzfTI9Pe7UEmgzPYSaU3zRN8unckkQg_IkiOTmdGrkuCsiSYkHjS0zulF-pXinze_AYcujICWAWt2J6sOxu63wV3U14jS0aAJ9sKwgb_wkOGSNokUp1Or-MscRp-wg/s320/IMAG2741-1.jpg" width="291" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have started and left unfinished about a dozen different blog posts in the past month. I have simultaneously had so much on mind to work out and been working so hard to not think about what was coming, that I could never find the resolve to finish anything I started. Besides, once I write something down and hit "publish", its out there in the world and that makes it more real and infinitely more scary. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But now that the deed is officially done, I think it's time to break out of my hidey hole. I am currently, and for the third time in my life, officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). And I am terrified more than I probably have a right to be. Earlier today, I met with my embryologist and my amazing RE to have one perfect blastocyst thawed and transferred. This being my second ever FET (frozen embryo transfer) I felt simultaneously prepared and uncertain of what to expect. I remember the FET that brought us our precious Snow Pea so well, but that transfer came on the heels of a D&C following the failed pregnancy of my fresh IVF. I saw my RE and nurses constantly for months during that time. My life was consumed by nothing but trying to become a mom. Everything else came second. Everything. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This time around I could barely get up the guts to actually call my RE for the first consultation. I don't understand why, but I think the fabled "Infertility PTSD" hit me harder than I had realized. I have watched and cheered for so many of my fellow Infertile Parents as they have expanded their families with additional treatments or adoptions in the past two years. I never stop being thrilled for those friends who are fortunate enough to see their dreams come true and it is still thrilling to see it happen the second time. With each pal that embarked on treatment though, I became more nervous, more afraid. Originally, Chad and I had solid plans to start another FET nearly a year ago. But as that date drew near, we found reasons to move it back. Then the new planned time would come closer and we'd push it back again. There were always "reasons"- the sale of Chad's company, travel plans to visit family, wanting to sort out our finances. But the truth is I kept delaying because I was scared, too scared to move forward. Three years ago, we didn't let any of that get in our way. We were bright eyed, hopeful and desperate to be parents. Fear existed but our hope and our need to do everything we could in our quest for parenthood, outweighed any trepidation. We threw ourselves full force into every aspect of making our dream a reality. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now that the dream has been realized, I kind of assumed that trying again one day would be a piece of cake. We have frozen embryos so that creates less strain both physically and financially. We knew what to expect and what our odds of success would be. And most important of all, we have the amazing little girl that made our dream of parenthood come true. If a second child isn't in our future, we are still parents. Our family of three is full of joy and happiness and if that is all we ever have, we will have more than enough. So when I realized how truly scared I was to try again, despite all of these things, I was surprised at myself. Every time I watched another friend on Twitter talk about starting treatments for baby #2, I marveled at her bravery and strength. I just didn't have it in me to even consider it yet. Strangely, knowing what to expect made me more nervous instead of less. I resented that I had to go through injections and medications and invasive ultrasounds and bloodwork and horrifically emotional waits all over again, just in the name of trying to have more of something I already feel beyond lucky to have at all. I mean, my dream was parenthood and I have that. Why should I have to go through that emotional hell again?</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been absurdly low key about so much of this for a multitude of reasons. It feels incredibly selfish to think about baby #2 and to talk about how afraid I am to try again, when so many of those I love dearly are still fighting for baby #1. I know that my friends love and support me, no matter what mine or their circumstances may be, but I know it can still sting to be on that other side. Before my successful pregnancy, I had to avoid reading tweets and blogs from just about anyone that had moved forward to the next steps. I still loved & supported them and felt incredibly happy that their dream came true, but it hurt too much to expose myself directly to it. It may sound silly, but I felt like a jerk even considering making anyone listen to me whine about why I was afraid to do another FET. (you may have caught a vague tweet or two about this). </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My crazy pessimism & fear has also made me very wary of having much conversation about the whole thing with anyone I know "in real life". The thought of giving updates to my friends and family throughout the whole process, answering questions, and putting on a optimistic, hopeful front just seemed so daunting and I wanted to do everything I could to avoid that. With that said, if we know each other in real life, please don't think I didn't want to talk to you personally. I'm just very guarded emotionally right now and it has no reflection on our relationship or how much I love you, because I promise I do. I just needed to protect myself. (also please keep what you are reading here to yourself, as I am still not sharing this widely). </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The scariest thing of all of course, is realizing that in spite of my pessimism and bitterness about this whole process, hope has found it's way in. I can't help but envision our family of three becoming a family of four. I can't not see what an amazing big sister Eliana would be. How much she would love and care for a new baby. It really doesn't help my hopeful/fearful heart that she is now actually old enough to express these desires. "Mommy, may I have a baby brother, please?" is a popular request from her recently. She says it so sweetly, so sincerely, how can I not try to deliver? </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The concept of family is one she is just beginning to learn and she is very excited to announce that Mommy and Daddy and Eliana are a family every chance she gets. I want to let go of the fear and be open to the hope that a new name will be added to her list soon, but if that doesn't happen for us, I know I will still be always happy, grateful and in love with the family I have. And that is stronger than any fear, guilt or stress I could ever face. </span></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-29445579791968104102013-08-13T22:32:00.001-07:002013-08-13T22:33:10.763-07:00Jimmy Fallon's "Coming Out": Celebrations and Concerns<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Most anyone that with access to social media the past day or so, has no doubt seen the heartwarming headlines about the birth of comedian Jimmy Fallon's daughter, Winnie, via surrogate. The infertility community in particular, is buzzing with the hashtag #thankyoujimmy and celebrating the celebrity's openness about the struggle with infertility that he and his wife endured for five years before finally welcoming their child. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With infertility still a taboo and misunderstood condition, and the treatments for it often even more so, it is the rare celebrity that speaks out so candidly about having struggled to become a parent. And anytime an actor, musician or public figure is willing to share this personal part of their lives, I am grateful. Grateful because their voice is frankly more public and therefore louder, than mine. I can blog all day long about how it feels to long for a family that you fear you may never have, how emotional and exhausting the treatments are, about the heartbreak of trying and failing or succeeding only to lose what you worked so hard for- but I will never have the reach of someone like Mr Fallon who has thousands of fans across the globe and a recent Emmy nomination. So when he shared the real, honest and emotional things about his and his wife's struggle it really meant a lot to me and other infertile men and women across the country. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Every time a celebrity "comes out" about their infertility, the rest of the world gains just a bit more understanding. Ordinary people who may have had no trouble conceiving, are able to see that infertility really can affect anyone. It also opens up conversation and I often have friends and family become curious and ask questions about what infertility really means, how a treatment actually works. Walls come down and silence is broken. Celebrity confessions take the disease itself out of the shadows. They encourage those of us that have been suffering in silence to share our stories with friends and families.There is so much good that comes from speaking out and celebrating all of the ways families are made. For that I am and always will be grateful to Jimmy and have respect for him. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I do however, have some concerns about his remarks as well. The first and most obvious being the one that comes up in just about every celebrity infertility story- their access and ability to afford treatment. In his interview, Jimmy encouraged anyone struggling to have a child to try every avenue in the quest to become a parent. But as we all know, that just isn't a realistic option for everyone. Infertility treatments are very rarely covered by health insurance and even when they are, often have caps that would prevent many people from ever being able to afford expensive options like surrogacy. I consider myself incredibly fortunate that my husband and I had the resources to assist with our IVF and FET cycles, but for many that option just doesn't exist, let alone more expensive treatments like egg donation or surrogacy. If it were up to me, we would all have the option to "do whatever it takes" as Jimmy encourages, because cost wouldn't be the barrier that it currently is, but we have a long way to go in making that a reality. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The other concern that struck me immediately, even before the cost barrier, is what his message of hope and never giving up must sound like to the childless community. To those who have already tried everything they are financially and emotionally capable of trying and have decided that a life without children is the best resolution to their infertility, the constant barrage of "always keep trying" becomes a dagger in the heart. It seems as if the rest of the infertile community is accusing them of giving up. It unintentionally alienates and discounts a large part of our community and can be very painful. I understand completely where Jimmy was coming from when he said what he did about not losing hope. As someone who has fallen on and off the hope wagon herself, and finally realized her dream when hope was at an all time low, I know that feeling of relief that "one more try" really did do the trick. It's a message that so many of us desperately need to hear when we are in the trenches. Hope is pretty much the only thing that keeps many of us going some days. And often because our own hope is depleted, it is messages of support and encouragement from others that gets us through. Hearing Jimmy Fallon, or anyone that has been through it, tell you to keep going, keep trying because you will end up with a family and that all the work is worth it, it's the most worth it thing, can be powerful, inspiring and give you hope when all seems lost. But it can also feel like a slap in the face to someone who has already moved forward from treatment and onto adoption or to finding other "worth it" things to make their lives complete. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Of course, I don't mean to imply that Jimmy Fallon meant any ill-will or has done anything wrong. He doesn't have any sort of obligation to anyone and I appreciate the way he empathized and showed support for fellow members of this community. I applaud him for his heartfelt openness and congratulate him and his wife on becoming parents. But I do wish to see more conversation and understanding about the concerns I mentioned, as well. I hope that the positive reaction he has received in the media and from his fans encourages more discussion, more education and more change with the way infertility is regarded and that one day this illness is no longer something to "come out of the closet" of. Thank you, Jimmy, for sharing your story and for being a voice. And to all of you who aren't necessarily famous comedians or producers, or even suffering from infertility- thank you for speaking out, thank you for taking the time to read and learn more, thank you for being involved, thank you. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-13911788886932781912013-08-07T22:25:00.000-07:002013-08-07T22:32:43.687-07:00Wordless Wednesday: Lumpy Boobie Drama<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, just one word:</span></span><br />
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTFfNsbJr7r3jP2pL-mQV2uxJ53s6WGJldsY2Tw0II_2jqG8wLpm7cuLZNBwLj_JT1yR-436a4NJmNpotLLO0OfkkjYdaHk7pogUrBCUJneHuVTzdbndfnizXI7Y0eYpCrmQFjWDPp254/s1600/lump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="345" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTFfNsbJr7r3jP2pL-mQV2uxJ53s6WGJldsY2Tw0II_2jqG8wLpm7cuLZNBwLj_JT1yR-436a4NJmNpotLLO0OfkkjYdaHk7pogUrBCUJneHuVTzdbndfnizXI7Y0eYpCrmQFjWDPp254/s400/lump.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> BENIGN!</span></span></span></div>
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">P.S. Thank you so much to everyone for the support and well wishes. Love to you all</span></span>!Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-39994852984066209182013-07-31T23:25:00.000-07:002013-07-31T23:25:35.128-07:00My Lumpy Boob & Me <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIZZOhgDK6FBeWVI-2X18xBmTlcWVu2vm9XfwIJ_yTSej7K3znRpahf2I65jHNb8sSyJFLsAKKSYC3BaBTRAVfldCZlomK_8BKc_xff7m04W_JhffVsOnpjmC2mkLmU3EJ3S2YAwQYnu8/s1600/Breast-cancer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIZZOhgDK6FBeWVI-2X18xBmTlcWVu2vm9XfwIJ_yTSej7K3znRpahf2I65jHNb8sSyJFLsAKKSYC3BaBTRAVfldCZlomK_8BKc_xff7m04W_JhffVsOnpjmC2mkLmU3EJ3S2YAwQYnu8/s320/Breast-cancer.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Over the past few years most of us have become accustomed to the growing presence of pink ribbons, our doctors' reminders to perform monthly self breast-exams, walks for the cure and the sale of pink-dyed baked good donating pennies of the profits to research. Breast cancer has gone from an under-diagnosed, frequently overlooked, and almost certain death sentence to arguably one of the most visible, talked about and screened for diseases in the country. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With such high visibility and awareness, I admit I often feel guilty that I don't exactly perform those self-exams monthly, or even bi-monthly. It's more like on a "when I remember and then when I actually get to it" thing. I feel even more guilty that I am so lax considering my family history- my paternal grandmother was diagnosed and had a double mastectomy in her 50s. Worst of all though, is that, I still harbor at least a slight "it won't happen to me" attitude. Which is why I am more anxious about dealing with the pain of having a needle jabbed into my boob tomorrow morning than I am about getting the results back on the sample of the lump my doctor will be removing. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I should back up. A couple of months ago, I actually remembered to do that whole boob self-exam thing and I found a bumpy spot inside my right breast. I poked and pushed until it ached and I could be certain it really did feel different the rest of the area. It definitely did. I can best compare it to a hard, round marble just hanging out in the midst of all the other squishy stuff. This may sound alarming, but I've been through this once before and the marble I found when I was in college was also poked, prodded, biopsied and diagnosed as a completely benign <b><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibroadenoma" target="_blank">fibroadenoma</a></b>. It looks scary as hell on ultrasound but it's not cancer and for the most part doesn't increase my risk of developing it. And reassuringly, this lump feels very similar to the one I had when I was 23. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Last week, I did my due diligence and went in for a mammogram and ultrasound to check out the suspicious spot as well as to do an overall check-up of both breasts. Having my boobs squished and pressed again wasn't exactly comfortable but I've survived worse. (HSG anyone?) The ultrasound was almost relaxing, especially since the jelly was heated instead of freezing cold. After lots of looking, the doctor agreed with my initial suspicions that this was most likely another fibroadenoma. She started talking about whether I wanted to biopsy it now to be safe or if I would rather monitor it for 6 months for changes and determine the necessity then. Until, I mentioned my history with infertility, IVF and FET. That's when the biopsy became my only option. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As if the hell of infertility and the roller coaster of treatment isn't awful enough on its own, there is this whole non-baby related list of potential health issues that affect us and may continue to do so for the rest of our lives. Not that the doctor was particularly alarmed by my IVF history. She still thinks it's a fibroadenoma and so do I, but the fact remains that the effects of fertility drugs on breast cancer rates have still only been through a handful of studies. And as is usually the case, there is plenty of conflicting information. Some studies say there is no increased risk. Others say that there is, but only for younger women. (I was only 27 for both my IVF and FET cycles.) Add to that to wide diversity of treatment fertility patients receive, and I am not willing to take the summarized version of one breast cancer survey on CNN.com as proof that the countless vials of estrogen I have injected directly into my backside plays no role in my future health. So I am having the biopsy. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tomorrow I will walk into the office in my cute, blue, loose-fitting button up, have a large, hollow needle plunged into my breast and walk out flattened down by bulky "pressure wrap" wrapped around my chest for 48 hours. This coupled with the fact that I can't exercise or shower for those 2 days, nor can I wear deodorant or perfume to my appointment, worries me more than getting back my results next week. Or so I keep telling myself. Because no matter much I hold on to that teenage dream of "it could never happen to me" or how sure I am that this lump is just like the last one, there is always that nagging doubt in the back of mind. That thought the my grandmother wasn't exactly old when she had to have both breasts removed due to cancer. The knowledge that estrogen is the hormone most connected to increased risk and I have artificially increased my levels of it more than once (and might do it again). The images of pink ribbons and awareness posters. These things creep into my mind just when I have convinced myself that there is nothing to worry about. And the truth is, I really do believe there is nothing to worry about. This time. But I can't help but think, given my history, that it is only a matter of time before it's not "nothing". Which is why I will keep doing those occasionally remembered exams, and showing up for mammogram and biopsy appointments well before menopause dictates that I must. And I will be holding my breath just the tiniest bit when my phone rings next week, until I hear the word "benign". </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-52674019183209225652013-07-05T17:09:00.000-07:002013-07-05T17:10:04.201-07:00A Message From The Southern California Walk Of Hope Chair<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEkrQo91gHXQqoXmpFus4xoY9-BPc3dX5Jf8R0Om5y2SjSM3E06LHjKwnzQmxg06GyniqJXurw11h_JVnvkynemrIs88BSz7mzCBoLXvSqfzF1VCpe_br7AokZfX6kaUHgMoqCUSXV7SQ/s1600/Walk_of_Hope_niaw.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="128" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEkrQo91gHXQqoXmpFus4xoY9-BPc3dX5Jf8R0Om5y2SjSM3E06LHjKwnzQmxg06GyniqJXurw11h_JVnvkynemrIs88BSz7mzCBoLXvSqfzF1VCpe_br7AokZfX6kaUHgMoqCUSXV7SQ/s320/Walk_of_Hope_niaw.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I am proud and honored to serve as the Event Chair for RESOLVEās inaugural <i>Walk of Hope</i>
in Southern California. It is incredible to have this opportunity to
raise awareness about the disease of infertility, to support those
suffering through it, and to share HOPE with everyone whose life
infertility touches. It is my hope that this first annual <i>Walk of Hope</i> will see not only those goals achieved, but will also<b> pave the way for a future in which infertility will no longer be a walk that anyone is forced to face alone.</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b> </b> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Six years ago, when my husband and I decided to start a family, we
never dreamed of the roller coaster of tests and treatments that awaited
us. Not knowing where to turn and being too afraid to reach out for
support at first, I began blogging in order to cope with our infertility
battle. It was through my blog, ā<i>Ready to Be a Mom</i>ā, that I
found RESOLVE and the wealth of support and resources they provide to
all of the 7.3 million Americans suffering from this heartbreaking
disease. The more I learned and became involved with RESOLVE, the more I
realized just how deeply infertility impacts so many families. Each
time I share my story, I learn about an aunt, brother, best friend, son
or cousin who is enduring the struggle to become a parent.<b> Even if it is not you that suffers from this disease, with 1 in 8 affected, someone you know probably does.</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> RESOLVE has helped me to uncover my passion to help all of those
faced with infertility and to serve as an advocate for this community. I
want to be sure that everyone that participates in the 2013 <i>Walk of Hope</i>
feels cared for and supported, no matter where they may be in their
infertility journey. I want to reach out and provide support to the
newly diagnosed, the patients in treatment, the families pursuing
adoption, parents who fought to get there, and individuals who resolve
their infertility by living child-free.<b> I want every person that faces infertility to know that they donāt have to face it alone. </b></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">On September 29, I will walk alongside men and women from all over LA, San Diego, Orange County and beyond in the <i>Walk of Hope</i>
to honor each one of our unique journeys. I will walk for my daughter,
who would not be here without the amazing advances in reproductive
technologies. I will walk for those who shared their struggles with me
and supported me when I shared mine. I will walk for those still
suffering in silence. I will walk to raise awareness that infertility is
a disease that affects millions of people from all walks of life. So
whether to honor your own struggles or to support a loved one, please <b>join
me at beautiful Aldrich Park on the University of California campus in
Irvine on September 29, 2013 for a beautiful and symbolic one-mile walk
to show support, raise awareness and most importantly, to spread hope.
</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b> </b> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
</span></span><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">To create your team visit <b><a href="http://www.resolve.org/socalwalkofhope">www.resolve.org/socalwalkofhope</a></b>,
select āStart a Teamā and following the directions. Then send an
invitation to your family and friends so they can walk with you on your
journey.</span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-50300786112300240112013-06-19T22:36:00.001-07:002013-06-19T22:36:22.209-07:00From Passion to Action: Advocacy Day 2013<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXLCCiIb7cWb7GXcPx2cKYXMuiv3Perci6ijfzysdsOVk2-4zjDo9ER5YohhhURs1KKZV9tbyD_xrNeYHLsxXMhztsl0l_O1fvC2kGtqiQprZOZ4CJQXGXa_7M0wKYtcyU5vv5fBL2mIY/s1600/advocactday13.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXLCCiIb7cWb7GXcPx2cKYXMuiv3Perci6ijfzysdsOVk2-4zjDo9ER5YohhhURs1KKZV9tbyD_xrNeYHLsxXMhztsl0l_O1fvC2kGtqiQprZOZ4CJQXGXa_7M0wKYtcyU5vv5fBL2mIY/s320/advocactday13.jpg" width="289" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">The California advocates taking on Capitol Hill</span></span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The past month has been a non-stop travel fest for me. I drove the California coast, flew from the west coast to the east and back twice, went on a camping adventure and boarded a boat to a nearby island for a day of fun in the sun. Now that I am finally home and catching my breath, I finally digesting the amazing trip that started this crazy month- my trip to Washington DC for RESOLVE's Advocacy Day</span></span>.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Since I first became aware of RESOLVE, I have heard about what an empowering experience Advocacy Day is and I always knew that one day, I wanted to be a part of it. Talking to the men and women in politics that make things happen, sharing my story, speaking out for the millions of Americans that struggle with infertility, making a difference toward passing legislation that will help so many of those sufferers, how could I not want to be a part of something so meaningful, so cathartic, so powerful? But living on the opposite side of the country, I have also long assumed it would be too overwhelming, time consuming, and expensive to make the trip anytime soon. This past year though, my inner advocate has come out in full force and become a huge part of the outer me. There isn't anyone in my life that doesn't know what an important cause infertility support is to me. I knew that there was no room for excuses or delays. This year was the year. This Advocacy Day was the day. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And what a day it turned out to be. The rumors were true. Telling my story to the aids and staffers of my Senators and Representatives was cathartic. Walking miles across Capitol Hill to share information about important family building legislation with political offices was invigorating. Connecting with other advocates from across the country and from my own backyard was was inspiring. Everything about my experience was enlightening and empowering. I not only learned a great deal about the political process, I took an active part in it.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Each time I met with a staffer to tell them about <b><a href="http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/family-act-of-2011.html" target="_blank">The Family Act</a></b> and <a href="http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/women-veterans-and-other-health-care-improvements-act.html" target="_blank"><b>The Women Veterans and Other Health Care Improvements Act</b></a>, I was asked why this was so important to me, why I thought these measures mattered so much, how they would help someone like me, who despite my struggle with infertility has had the good fortune of becoming a parent. After all, an IVF tax credit will come too late to offset the costs of my previous treatments. The truth is, it's not my personal story or struggle that matters, it is giving EVERY aspiring parent the ability to build their family. I am one of the lucky ones. Yes, I spent my daughter's college fund bringing her into the world but I had the option to do that. So many who learn that IVF or adoption are their only family building options, don't have that ability and parenthood shouldn't be a luxury afforded only to those who have the means to finance expensive family building options. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The struggle with infertility, as many of you know, can be so lonely, so isolating. Finding the community I did online was incredible and such a source of support and comfort for me. But being in a room or crowded DC hallway with hundreds of other women and men who knew what this fight was like, gave me a sense of community deeper than I had ever imagined. After years of chatting with amazing women on Twitter, I was able to give them the real life hugs I had always wished them virtually. I heard, in person, the emotion and rawness of what someone else had gone through to become a parent or how they had come to their decision to live child-free. I could squeeze the hand of those who came to Advocacy Day mid-cycle or in an adoption wait and let them know I was hoping & rooting for them. The power of that in-person contact was unbelievable and amazing and it is something I will always cherish. And there is nothing quite as awesome as enjoying a cocktail and dinner in a private dining room full of a dozen or so women chatting loudly about ovaries, homestudies, and wandy dates without ever having to worry if anyone is confused or uncomfortable- well except maybe the waiter.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">But just because you could not be there on Advocacy Day, it doesn't mean that you can't still be a part of this community by being a voice for it. Write to your Congressional Leaders and ask them to support these measure that help those in the infertile community. Speak out. Share your story. Support others doing the same. Every little step makes a difference. Remember what you learned from <i><b>School House Rock</b></i>? </span></span><br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/tyeJ55o3El0" width="420"></iframe><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Just like Bill's friend says, passing any new legislation requires lots and lots of courage and patience, but we have faced infertility! We have found more patience and courage within ourselves than we ever realized any one person was capable of possessing! If any group can show the fortitude and bravery required for this process, it is us! </span></span><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Here is the info you need to know about the legislation we were advocating for on Capitol Hill this May:</span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The Family Act: This bill makes infertility treatments more affordable to middle class families.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/family-act-of-2011.html">http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/family-act-of-2011.html</a></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The Women Veterans and Other Healthcare Improvement Act: The bill gives access to the needed infertility treatments that wounded veterans need to conceive and start a family.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/women-veterans-and-other-health-care-improvements-act.html">http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/women-veterans-and-other-health-care-improvements-act.html</a></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Take time to learn more about the legislation and then make your voice heard! Thanks to my own struggle to become a parent, issues related to infertility naturally became a passion for me and thanks to amazing events like Advocacy Day, I am excited to be taking action too. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span> <a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-48943503783145445772013-05-03T23:30:00.000-07:002013-05-03T23:35:03.102-07:00Meet the Advocacy Day 2013 Advocates!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD5HKnhMPw6n9ad5EKHhulY4ZTUAuo_BEQeI2dmK6wTahmT-VzfN155slo0tumnzezO9sksfEa1suA3tEIMsg5dNFxWGQSL7ZyF_bX8fkTQvP5wOhFlX2gnwCHxaT5p5J45OHxAbdpDzQ/s1600/AdvocacyDayBadges2013_10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD5HKnhMPw6n9ad5EKHhulY4ZTUAuo_BEQeI2dmK6wTahmT-VzfN155slo0tumnzezO9sksfEa1suA3tEIMsg5dNFxWGQSL7ZyF_bX8fkTQvP5wOhFlX2gnwCHxaT5p5J45OHxAbdpDzQ/s200/AdvocacyDayBadges2013_10.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">If you are active in the infertility community, or even if you just dipping your toe in the water or reading blogs to learn more and support a loved one, there is a good chance you have heard about <b><a href="http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=advday_home" target="_blank">RESOLVE's Advocacy Day</a></b> taking place next Wednesday, May 8th, in Washington DC. If you haven't, next week members of the IF community will come together in the nation's capital to meet with their senators and representatives to discuss the issues and legislation important to those struggling with the disease of infertility. We will be there to represent the 7.3 million citizens living with infertility and let our elected officials know that our voices and our concerns are important and should be important to them too. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I am so thrilled to be attending my first ever Advocacy Day this year to support those impacted by infertility. Support has meant absolutely everything to me in my journey to parenthood and I would not be in this position if not for the constant support of so many amazing women that I have met over the years through twitter and my blog. To say that I am excited about standing beside these inspiring ladies next week as we venture to Capitol Hill is an understatement. It is important to know that every successful cause, every movement is the result of ordinary people standing up and making their voices heard. So I am very excited about the blog hop Casey at <a href="http://chancesour.blogspot.com/2013/04/meet-your-advocates.html" target="_blank"><b>Chances Our</b></a> put together in order to get to know some of the advocates attending Advocacy Day. We are real people affected by infertility. Some of us have resolved our infertility, some have not. We are not politicians or lobbyists. We are average Americans from all walks of life and all corners of the country. We even have an incredibly supportive and caring Canadian standing beside us and contributing what I am sure will be fantastic professional photos of this momentous day. (Kelley- you rock!) </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">So please take a moment to learn more about Advocacy Day by visiting <a href="http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=advday_home" target="_blank"><b>RESOLVE</b></a>. Read my Q&A to learn more about me and why I am attending. Then stop by the blogs of some of the other amazing women attending <span id="goog_1892756870"></span><span id="goog_1892756871"></span>to read about their hopes for Advocacy Day. If you can't be there with us, know that you are there in spirit and there are still ways you can show your support! </span></span><span class="userContent"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Lend RESOLVE your Facebook or Twitter status on May 8th. Log into
<b><a href="https://www.thunderclap.it/projects/2094-unite-for-the-family-act" target="_blank">Thunderclap</a></b> and help us reach thousands of people with 1 message about
infertility awareness.</span></span><a href="https://www.thunderclap.it/projects/2094-unite-for-the-family-act" rel="nofollow nofollow" target="_blank"></a></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">1. Where are you in your infertility journey right now? In one sentence! </span></span></b><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">After 3 years of trying to conceive with infertility, countless timed cycles, 3 rounds of clomid, one IVF, a miscarriage and a FET, I am the incredibly grateful mother of an amazing two-year old girl.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">2. What inspired you to go to RESOLVE Advocacy Day 2013?</span></span></b><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Since becoming involved with the infertility community, I have grown more and more passionate about advocating for all those facing this terrible struggle and finally decided this was the year I would push through the obstacles and make it a priority to talk to Congress about the issues that mean so much to me. Twitter slumber party 2013 makes it that much sweeter! </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">3. What do you want Congress to understand about infertility?</span></span></b><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I want Congress to know that infertility affects men and women from every corner of this country. It impacts not only the one in eight who suffer directly but it has a ripple effect and touches the lives of millions of Americans, regardless of political party, race, class, or gender. It is a disease worthy of our care and attention. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">4. What are you most looking forward to about Advocacy Day?</span></span></b><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I am excited to meet with my Representative, Loretta Sanchez, who co-sponsored the Family Act in 2011 to thank her for her support and ask that she support the bill again. I am also beyond thrilled to spend time with some of the most amazing women and advocates I have ever had to honor to know and finally meet many of them in person for the first time! </span></span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">5. What is one thing other advocates will be surprised to learn about you when they meet you?</span></span></b><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">This is the tough one...Um? I talk A LOT and can get very passionate when I do. I also have chronic foot in the mouth disorder so I ask your forgiveness in advance if I say something that comes out all wrong or makes zero sense. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Meet some of the other advocates who are going and show your support!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<b><a href="http://www.secretinfertility.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Fran Meadows</span></span></a></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="http://jenrutner.com/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Jen Rutner</span></span></b></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="http://missohkay.wordpress.com/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Miss Ohkay</span></span></b></a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.whitneyanderick.com/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Whitney Anderson</span></span></b></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="http://notjustanarmywife.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Lauren</span></span></b></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="http://chancesour.blogspot.com/2013/04/meet-your-advocates.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><b>Casey</b></span></span></a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://pregnant--pause.tumblr.com/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Carrie</span></span></b></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="http://www.fromiftowhen.com/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Katie</span></span></b></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="http://readyformymiracle.wordpress.com/" target="_blank"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Kelley</span></span></b></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-48469050333885491102013-04-25T22:58:00.003-07:002013-04-26T00:06:50.041-07:00NIAW: Join The Movement<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLZndIX2OkJ0FOGSxC6Vx3MWzYMZNyWvorrSqi6QcLl5lNPPh-_ywoXOTo3B8o_pE8eONBbCnGQs8WpICC35id6seLtCvaEmseKafIdl333P7nPwJfExr4iS_oJxP9fazW8m66-DmSl7g/s1600/2013-bloggers-challenge-badge-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLZndIX2OkJ0FOGSxC6Vx3MWzYMZNyWvorrSqi6QcLl5lNPPh-_ywoXOTo3B8o_pE8eONBbCnGQs8WpICC35id6seLtCvaEmseKafIdl333P7nPwJfExr4iS_oJxP9fazW8m66-DmSl7g/s200/2013-bloggers-challenge-badge-1.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></div>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This week, April 21-27 is <a href="http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html" target="_blank"><b>National Infertility Awareness Week</b></a>. Since I first began participating in NIAW three years ago, it has become a time of inspiration to me. I never feel as connected to the infertility community as I do during this week of advocacy, education and awareness. Each year that I have participated, has brought the opportunity for new reflection and growth. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was during this week in 2010 that I first opened up about my infertility. My husband and I "came out of the closet" so to speak, as one of the 1 in 8 couples in the U.S. experiencing infertility and as one of the 1 in 6 that suffer a pregnancy loss. Taking that plunge was terrifying. I had carried so much guilt and shame about my infertility diagnoses for so long. But once we went public, we were astonished by the love and support we received. </span></span><span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">What
surprised us even more were the friends and family that came forward to let us know that
they faced it too and that we were not alone. The more I reached out, the less
isolated and ashamed I felt. My first NIAW was a turning point and the first time I felt as if I had taken charge of infertility story instead of letting it control me. I broke the silence and in the process helped others facing similar struggles, engendered compassion in those that didn't, and opened up a whole new world of support and empowerment for myself that would help me through some of my toughest moments. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">This year I have been as enthusiastic about NIAW as ever. Infertility advocacy has been transforming for me from something I didn't know how to approach to a passion that I can't seem to do enough of. I am thrilled to be attending <b><a href="http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=advday_home" target="_blank">RESOLVE's Advocacy Day</a></b> next month for the first time. I can't wait to speak to my senators and representatives about how vital <a href="http://www.resolve.org/get-involved/family-act-of-2011.html" target="_blank"><b>The Family Act</b> </a>is to me and the other 7.3 million people facing infertility in the U.S. In an attempt to reach out even more, I have also begun blogging for <a href="http://www.fertilityauthority.com/blogger/holly-gregg/2013/3/15/infertility-and-involuntary-childlessness" target="_blank"><b>Fertility Authority</b></a> and this summer I have plans to begin another exciting position with them as well. And perhaps the scariest, most exciting advocacy experience of all- I have agreed to CHAIR the first ever Walk of Hope in Southern California this fall. (sidenote-if you're in SoCal and want to get involved- please <a href="mailto:socalwalkofhope@gmail.com" target="_blank"><b>message me</b></a>!) But as exhilarating as all of this involvement in the movement and the community is, it is still the quietest of exchanges, the simplest acts of providing support to someone that needs it or speaking up for those who are struggling that matter to me most. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">One of the things I cherish most about NIAW is the opportunity to learn more but the movement, the community and myself. This year I have discovered that while NIAW provides hope and support for many, that is not true for all. There are wonderful women and men suffering from infertility that feel pain and loss during NIAW rather than support. Let's face it, the infertility community and our supporters in the fertile world are obsessed with "success stories" and by success we mean people who are infertile, but in some way became parents. We don't know how to celebrate the success of those who resolve their infertility by living a child-free life. I readily admit, that while supporting those in the community that have reached a child-free resolution matters to me very much, I am not always sure of the best way to do it. These stories don't touch my heart any less than the tales of IVF or adoption, but I have heard from so many that without the constant chatter of cycles and homestudies, those in the child-free camp often feel left out of the conversation and even the infertility community as a whole. This breaks my heart because we not only need to support EVERYONE that faces infertility and celebrate every victory, every resolution, we need these stories, these voices to make our community and our movement whole and complete. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Equally heartbreaking, is that there are those who don't see the value in raising awareness about the issue because, while NIAW and speaking out may provide you with personal comfort and release from shame, it does nothing to actually <i>cure </i>infertility itself or that "forcing" awareness down the throats of those not facing infertility is fruitless and self-indulgent. To that I say, you are missing the point. No, posting a link to a blog post about how to best support friends and family struggling with infertility won't resolve their infertility. Sharing information about deciding to see a specialist and how to find one won't guarantee that treatments will be successful. Educating co-workers that 7.3 million people face infertility won't decrease that number. Awareness on it's own won't make infertility go away but it WILL make a difference. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">One thing everyone struggling with infertility seems to agree on is that it really is a STRUGGLE. Not only because our hearts break month after month, year after year with our inability to become parents, but because the navigating the world of fertility doctors, adoption lawyers, uninformed friends, unaware politicians and unconcerned insurance providers is one of the most challenging things we have ever had to do. Only through awareness can we begin to change all of that. Educating the public about the pervasiveness and realities of infertility will increase understanding of infertility as a disease deserving of compassion. Advocating by writing to your congressional representatives or by attending Advocacy Day will increase political presence and help pass important legislation like The Family Act, which would reduce the financial burden of fertility treatments for millions of Americans. Showing support and compassion for friends and family facing this disease, whether or not you face it yourself, makes a difference in your loved ones lives in ways big and small. Writing, talking and sharing the realities of IVF, domestic and international adoption or living child-free will ensure that every voice, every experience with infertility is represented, heard and supported. Taking the time to truly listen and support everyone devastated by this disease, no matter how much their circumstances and choices may differ from our own, will make this movement even richer and more complete. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">With all of the obstacles facing those with infertility, it is easy to forget how far this movement has already come. The women and men of our parent's and grandparent's generation did not have RESOLVE support groups or online communities available for them to seek a compassionate, understanding ear. Adoptions were often done under a shroud of secrecy with little to no support for any involved. Adults without children were feared or ridiculed as "old-maids". Education about what really does and does not work when trying to have a baby was limited to what was passed on between friends and family members, rarely with sufficient access to additional information or medical assistance. Infertility simply wasn't often talked about. It often still isn't. I know it seems so small, so insignificant to just talk about infertility because how can that possibly make a difference? But speaking out is the first step of any movement. No, it is not a cure for infertility but if we keep it up, it WILL cure many of the challenges that currently accompany it. So make your voice heard and support others who are doing the same. This community is powerful and strong, we CAN make a difference. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span class="quotation">"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." ~ Margaret Mead</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span class="quotation"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span class="quotation">To learn more about infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week please visit:</span></span></span><br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.resolve.org/infertility101">http://www.resolve.org/infertility101</a> (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html">http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html</a> (About NIAW)</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a></span>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-216753937516046632013-04-15T23:06:00.002-07:002013-04-15T23:43:55.391-07:00Light in the Face of Darkness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ8wwKeMfFtzeBzW6j4qB2VoREQHygGo5jOLr0wjzpLQLW00rwn0Ids-pGKDhC5ccH3BrzTNwU1BkA_U8ukH7He4FAwmeoRyxjpsZPxcXOLiK28dlmoZH1JdRUYWABo1jZOVNcDFI6TuI/s1600/o-MISTER-ROGERS-HELPERS-QUOTE-570.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ8wwKeMfFtzeBzW6j4qB2VoREQHygGo5jOLr0wjzpLQLW00rwn0Ids-pGKDhC5ccH3BrzTNwU1BkA_U8ukH7He4FAwmeoRyxjpsZPxcXOLiK28dlmoZH1JdRUYWABo1jZOVNcDFI6TuI/s320/o-MISTER-ROGERS-HELPERS-QUOTE-570.jpg" width="295" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Like most people in the US tonight, I am struck with shock and sadness over the events in Boston earlier today. It is horrifying to witness innocent people become victims of senseless violence like that of the bombs that exploded near the finish of the Boston marathon, killing some and severely injuring many more. Throughout the day, I have seen and heard many statements of despair at living in, and trying to bring children into, a world that holds such cruelty. Events like these are the types that often cause people to lose their faith in humanity, but I have seen something else too- displays of hope, caring and compassion. While there are certainly countless reports of tragedy, and I fear there will be more in the days to come, there is also great evidence of kindness and behavior that exemplifies the very best of humanity. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am sure many of you have heard the reports of marathon runners, who, upon learning of the blasts, kept right on running until they reached the nearest hospitals to donate blood. Or maybe you have heard about the local Boston residents who opened their hearts and their homes to provide those displaced with a bite to eat and a place to rest. And of course, you know that the very instant the first explosion happened, bystanders, firefighters and police officers nearby rushed to the aid of the injured without a second's hesitation. The most beautiful quote I have seen circulating today is this one from the late Fred Rogers: </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother
would say to me, āLook for the helpers. You will always find people who
are helping.āā Mr. Rogers and his mother were certainly right about the amazing and inspiring side of the helpers in the face of tragedy. As I thought it over tonight, I realized it was not just the tragedy of horrible events such as those in Boston, that these beautiful words apply to. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">While I in <b>no way</b> aim to compare the deplorable and heinous violence committed in Boston, or any other act of terror, I do believe that infertility is undeniably tragic for those who suffer it. And just as brave men and women have showcased the best side of humanity in Boston and across the globe through their eagerness to help, it was my battle with infertility and experience with miscarriage that showed me that most people truly are compassionate and caring at their core. Yes, there will be those that will use this tragic news to further their own selfish agendas or who will carelessly diminish the pain and loss experienced, just as there are those who will insist that infertility sufferers were never meant to have children along with any other number of hurtful, negative things. But there are far more people rushing to donate to the Red Cross, offering a couch to crash on or a shoulder to lean on. Most importantly, there are more "I love you's" being shared than messages of hate. When people are at their lowest, their most vulnerable, the realization of what and who matters becomes undeniable. I know that so many people are holding their loved ones tightly tonight and making sure that they know just how much they are loved.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">And that is what I took away from experience with the outside world when I finally shared my struggle with infertility. For every anonymous "you are so selfish for doing IVF", there was an entire supportive chorus of "we are here for you". For every thoughtless question or careless comment there was a twitter pal, or a blog reader virtually squeezing my hand to remind me that I was not alone. For every heartbreak, there was a friend or a family member offering a hug to let me know that no matter how broken I was, I was always loved. In the darkest moments of my life, it was the helpers that showed me the light, and it is the caring people, the helpers, in Boston that remind us all of the light that will continue to thrive in our world no matter what evil may try to extinguish it. That is the world I am so grateful to be raising my daughter to be a part of.</span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-9296761036315040702013-04-09T23:27:00.000-07:002013-04-09T23:28:41.463-07:00Two Years of Love & Laughter <div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To my precious Snow Pea on her 2nd Birthday: </span></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxPhXUDk_v0-hfrx5TSEdb_C1D3vGP0ZxHNVu_-m3WuD04RbPXxPkw05P5AUKvwlrEn_0KDIfEXI-yJ50sc8oEeAGcX9QLB9ZSHVJiEjNmJViQ7nczX9eM8zATpaB6QOLxjnNvgARpc4g/s1600/IMG_8560.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxPhXUDk_v0-hfrx5TSEdb_C1D3vGP0ZxHNVu_-m3WuD04RbPXxPkw05P5AUKvwlrEn_0KDIfEXI-yJ50sc8oEeAGcX9QLB9ZSHVJiEjNmJViQ7nczX9eM8zATpaB6QOLxjnNvgARpc4g/s320/IMG_8560.JPG" width="213" /></a><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can't believe that we just celebrated your 2nd birthday. It seems like such a short time ago that you came into my life and made it brighter with your laugh. You have grown so much and developed so many wonderful new abilities in these two years, but it is your ability to laugh easily, effortlessly and with sheer joy that is the most heart-warming, infectious and beautiful. Not a single day has passed this year in which I have not had the honor and privilege of hearing the music of your laughter. Even on those days you behave like a "terrible" toddler- tantruming, whining, pouting or crying uncontrollably for no other reason than you want to cry- you still find reasons to laugh, loudly and with utter abandon. </span></span></div>
<div class="" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In your second year of life you have become less of a baby and more of a child, and what a truly happy and loving child you are. You show concern when anyone around you expresses sadness or pain. You are always quick to ask if I am ok when I cough and to bless me when I sneeze. And once you are sure there is nothing serious to worry about, you are right back to laughing and doing your best to spread that laughter with a silly dance, a tickle fight or just a plain old squeal of delight. You do that squeal a lot actually, it's kind of your trademark, you're very well known for it. You don't even need a big reason- your friend is in the stroller next to yours, you successfully put your plate into the dishwasher, you are in the middle of singing a song you really like, Daddy is lying in the middle of the living room floor- any little happy moment is cause for BIG celebration. </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As you turn two, it is clear that you have many emerging talents and I know you will continue to acquire new skills, interests and abilities as you grow. I will be there to encourage that growth and help you develop your talents but it is your effortless ability to find daily joy, to laugh loudly and often, that I hope with all of my heart never changes as you age. I hope that each day continues to bring you reasons to laugh, to smile and to squeal with delight and if the day does not give them to you, I hope you continue to find them yourself as you do right now. </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There was a time that I feared I may have lost my ability to be joyful the way you are now. I was hurting and broken and I felt that I may have lost a part of me that I might never get back. In many ways, I think I was right. I have lost, I have changed. But thanks to you, your presence in my life, my life as your mommy, I have found parts of me that I thought were gone and even created some new ones too. The very thought of you is enough to bring a smile to my face and your daddy and I have yet to have a night pass after you're asleep when we don't recount the amazing, charming and hilarious things you said and did that day. You are our joy baby girl, just as the entire world is yours. Thank you for two incredible years of loving and laughing. I look forward to countless more giggles, squeals and smiles with you in the years to come. Happy Birthday. </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Love, Mommy </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-75631855915487438352013-03-11T16:41:00.000-07:002013-03-11T16:49:20.400-07:00Your Story Matters...And Mine Does Too<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzDyzo0WTq-TmMyj4wD6ewxQmBelTiaeiqFglpli4XSCcST-IDd6gdrrhKwk5sIhBpzE-59E3XP2h4NPdRJvsH7qt61OhPpEYcwgMruCpPkjcTQY_aUr16eSW25o8CsrB6U0foBRWn7O8/s1600/Kelly-Rae-Roberts-Wall-Art-Your-Story__89246.1286807153.1280.1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzDyzo0WTq-TmMyj4wD6ewxQmBelTiaeiqFglpli4XSCcST-IDd6gdrrhKwk5sIhBpzE-59E3XP2h4NPdRJvsH7qt61OhPpEYcwgMruCpPkjcTQY_aUr16eSW25o8CsrB6U0foBRWn7O8/s320/Kelly-Rae-Roberts-Wall-Art-Your-Story__89246.1286807153.1280.1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not too long ago I wrote a piece about how infertility and it's methods of treatment are seen by many as a failure. If you can't have children "naturally", you have somehow failed and utilizing IVF or adoption in order to become a parent is implied to be some sort of consolation prize. It's even worse if you decide to resolve your infertility by living life child-free. I have long-believed that this is simply not true and despite how difficult and heartbreaking infertility can be, it doesn't mean that we have failed in any way. In my article and related blog post, I specifically discussed the sentiment that my needing IVF and FET to have a child is some sort of undesirable extreme to be pitied. I just don't feel that way and I wanted to write a piece that expressed how proud I am of what I have experienced. Like all of my writing it was from the heart and based solely on my own experiences. (you can find the post I'm referring to <b><a href="http://ready2bmom.blogspot.com/2012/02/im-infertile-not-failure.html" target="_blank">here</a></b>) </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was proud of that piece and the impact it had on those that chose to share their thoughts with me. It is no secret that my favorite part of blogging my infertility journey has been the experience of being a part of the online infertile community. I have spent years praising the loving, supportive people I have met here and I still have unending gratitude to all of you for keeping me from going off the deep end. The infertility community I found online has been my safe place, the place where I can share my thoughts and feelings on this struggle and be understood and treated with compassion. But now that I am a mom, some of that has started to change. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The piece I brought up earlier is one of my most emotional and complex. I put myself out there but I felt safe doing it because I trusted that the IF community would respond with love and understanding. Which is why when I witnessed passive aggressive feedback through a third party, implying that my struggle was too easy I was completely floored. It seems that my voice on the issue matters a little bit less to some because IVF worked for me and it doesn't work for everyone or because I was able to find a way to finance my treatment while there are many who are unable to do so. So basically, I am not "infertile enough" now that I am a mother. Last time I checked, infertility wasn't a contest with the biggest winner being the one who has endured the most pain. Since I *only* endured 3 years of heartbreaking infertility, one IVF, one miscarriage, one FET before becoming a mother does that mean my feelings are less significant than someone that has been struggling 10 years or someone that has had several losses? Would my experiences matter more if I had undergone a dozen ART procedures before becoming a parent? Or does being a parent at all, no matter how long and arduous the journey to get here, preclude me from ever again identifying as infertile and having feelings on the matter?</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I always try to include many other possible paths through infertility in my writing, but having only experienced my own path and no one else's, I focus on IVF and FET as that is what my story entails. I do my best to be considerate and inclusive toward others' experiences but in the end I can only understand so much of what someone else has been or is currently going through and I have never claimed to know what it's like to live anyone's story but my own. The best I can do is be here for you, to let you know I care and allow you to be heard. When you experience victories, I will cheer with you and when you encounter heartbreak, I will mourn with you. We don't have to have the same experiences, or the same opinions or even the same emotions for me to care about you, to see your journey as worth caring about, your story as worth hearing. Isn't that what this community should always be? We all face enough thoughtlessness in the world without hoisting it on each other. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know it's hard sometimes encountering any parent, whether they are infertile or not. People with kids are who we want to be and sometimes seeing them, hearing what they have to say, is a painful reminder that we are not one of them. I know, I felt that way too. So if you need to turn away from my blog, my story, my journey because it hurts a little too much. I understand. I don't blame you for doing what you need to do to protect your heart. But if you do encounter me now and then, please remember to be kind. Just because I have a child, it does not mean my wounds are healed. Even if they were, nether of us benefit from judging the other or minimizing and discounting each other. My story matters and so does yours. </span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-17712079379205682422013-01-17T10:53:00.000-08:002013-01-17T10:53:05.688-08:00Speaking Out at Fertility Planit 2013<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxmtrvKcheRSY5wMaMAkZtpFquMBZQ3WBv_XW6d7Q1zxEydgPLvBvrOcQ8wN9CqqSCaviZmIMR8eb2aK8E-YRJFApglScFZVTGJ8PB-Mx_he69a-MkHJRQmNEiNhyrS3XYDxIyVeop8tg/s1600/fp.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxmtrvKcheRSY5wMaMAkZtpFquMBZQ3WBv_XW6d7Q1zxEydgPLvBvrOcQ8wN9CqqSCaviZmIMR8eb2aK8E-YRJFApglScFZVTGJ8PB-Mx_he69a-MkHJRQmNEiNhyrS3XYDxIyVeop8tg/s320/fp.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Excited to watch Mommy live at the Fertility Planit Show</span></span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This past weekend, I had the honor and pleasure of moderating a panel for the first ever <b><a href="http://fertilityplanitshow.com/agenda/" target="_blank">Fertility Planit show</a></b> in LA. It was a weekend long event and featured discussions by experts on a variety of topics effecting the infertility community such as building an adoptive family, financial planning for ART/adoption, male infertility, egg freezing and storage and letting go of having genetic offspring. I was thrilled to moderate and lead the session titled "The Beginners Guide to Infertility: What to Do When You Want to Get Pregnant But Can't". </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our panel featured two leading REs and a natural healer/acupuncturist answering questions about what to expect when seeking tests and treatments for fertility. Many of our audience members had never met with an RE so I was very excited to give them the opportunity to have their questions answered and basic concerns addressed before they ever had to step foot into a doctor's office. I remember very clearly how daunting those first visits to my doctor were, not yet having the confidence or understanding of fertility to be able to best advocate for myself. It felt very rewarding to know I was part of an event that was empowering others to take those first steps toward parenthood armed with information and support. It was also very empowering for me to be able to take my own journey with infertility and apply it to an event like this, asking questions, sharing experiences and connecting with others. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In addition to my own panel, I attended sessions on adoption and learned a lot about the process and realities of private, domestic open adoptions as well as sessions on natural medicine and optimizing fertility. I also spent a great deal of time wandering the exhibit hall and meeting the REs, donor agencies, and support agencies that were on hand to share their information with attendees. I even had the opportunity to give feedback to all of the companies that created and delivered my medications for IVF and FET. It felt really good to tell the producer of my estrogen supplement what my experience was with their drug and request that they begin including certain written information on side effects with their medication. I most enjoyed spending time at the RESOLVE booth though, where I had the opportunity to discuss a lot of exciting events and volunteer opportunities coming up later this year. I also got to see my name and face in print when I picked up a copy of the Winter edition of their newsletter where a piece I wrote is featured. (If you would like information on receiving the Resolve newsletter, please click <a href="http://www.resolve.org/resources/http:/www.resolve.org/resources/newletter.html" target="_blank"><b>here</b></a>). </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am so glad I was a part of this event. It was incredible to be participate in a conference dedicated to all things fertility. Much like the RESOLVE Night of Hope in October, it was refreshing to be surrounded by people that were as passionate about the issues surrounding infertility as I am. I was surprised by the number of people that stopped in the hall to tell me a little about their journey and thanked me for sharing mine. I have been blogging for 3 years now but I am still always amazed by the impact my words can have on others. Speaking to some of them refreshed my energy for blogging and I have a few new topics I will be blogging about in the near future. But even more than the charge I got for blogging, the event gave me an even charge to renew my involvement as an infertility advocate. Speaking onstage about infertility, asking the experts questions and being in the presence of so many other advocates and professionals really confirmed for me how much I love this work and want to continue to get involved. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have some ideas on things I would like present at next year's show but whether these ideas come to fruition or not, I hope to be involved again in whatever way I can. In the meantime, I will be pursuing any opportunity I get to volunteer, speak out and learn more about infertility so that I can best serve this community.</span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% transparent; border: 0px none ! important;" /></a><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If
you're interested in watching my panel or any of the other sessions that
were held this weekend, you can watch the videos by clicking <b><span style="color: #073763;"><a href="http://fertilityplanitshow.com/videos/" target="_blank"><u>here</u></a> </span></b><span style="color: #073763;">or by visiting http://fertilityplanitshow.com/videos/</span>. My session can be found <b><a href="http://fertilityplanitshow.com/videos/beginners-guide-to-infertility/" target="_blank">here</a></b>. </span></span><br />
<br />Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-36197346798779516182013-01-07T15:40:00.001-08:002013-01-07T15:40:46.407-08:00Break Dancing Has A Whole New Meaning<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW1O7hxWK54qmhnEyapBKJ0zynr6W87GnxjT7gJd0p_ULaUfRNaagH3GmaCG9txy8Ni9yCpCXYOx5GkSJFdIsaVSQS4RxjUcP4S8CpC07QfSwquJ3Zn8ZsE9BaPmIlZhYcNKJPPxQVNhI/s1600/footxray.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW1O7hxWK54qmhnEyapBKJ0zynr6W87GnxjT7gJd0p_ULaUfRNaagH3GmaCG9txy8Ni9yCpCXYOx5GkSJFdIsaVSQS4RxjUcP4S8CpC07QfSwquJ3Zn8ZsE9BaPmIlZhYcNKJPPxQVNhI/s320/footxray.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">You can see the break on the left side of the Xray</span></span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">I've done it. I have officially missed my first month blogging. I wanted to write, I did. I just didn't. I didn't do much this past month and a half really. Except turn 30 and in the process break my first bone. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Let me explain. Since I was about 22, I had this crazy idea that when I turned 30 I would throw a outrageous 80s prom. Not a party with an 80s theme, but an actual prom that just so happens to take place in the 1980s. This year was that year, and after nearly a decade of talking and planning, I actually did it. I rented a hall, formed a prom committee to help me plan and decorate, hired a dj and enjoyed a magical night dancing under crepe paper steamers and foil stars. It truly was a fantastic party and everything came together perfectly. The only exception is, it was the one and only night I have ever tried to really dance in heels and now I am paying for it with a broken foot.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">I have been completely non-weight bearing and on crutches for 4 weeks now and I have to tell you, it isn't fun. It's so hard not being able to walk down the block or drive myself anywhere or get myself a glass of water. But the truly depressing thing is not being able to take care of my precious Snow Pea. I can't pick her up, or sit on the floor to play with her, or chase her around the house. This is what I do. This is my life. I am a stay at home mom, if I can't care for my daughter what kind of life do I really have? I can't describe how heartbroken I was the first day I was on crutches and Eliana reached out her hand for me to hold as we walked and I had to tell her I couldn't do it. It was one of the most gut-wrenching moments of my life. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">I am incredibly lucky to have a husband with a job that he is both good at and trusted to do from home so that he can be here to do all of the heavy lifting while I can't. I am very grateful to him for the insane amount of responsibility he has taken on since I have been forced to spend large parts of my day with my foot elevated. He has worked very hard to keep up with the laundry, the shopping, the cooking, cleaning and taking care of a hyper toddler while still attempting to do his own job and keep a roof over our heads. To say he is doing it all is an understatement. And while I appreciate all of this very much, it is also killing me. Not only does it drive me crazy when he does things in a different way or a different order than I would (and this true of almost everything) but it kills me that he is now the sun and the moon for Eliana, and I am just an orbiting satellite. As the working parent, my husband also gets to more often be the "fun" one, the one that comes home after a day apart and have new energy to play and laugh which leaves me as the at home parent to be the one she runs to most often when she needs something. But now that I can no longer give her the things she is asking for, and I can't play with her in the rough and tumble way a toddler thrives on, I feel more like an accessory than a real parent. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">One thing I have learned in the past 20 months I have been a parent is that time flies and each new stage of her development is only new for a few weeks before the next new stage begins. Being completely unable to stand on my own two feet, I feel like I am missing so much of the fun and joy of this time with her. This is time I will never be able to get back. Once she goes to the next phase, this one will be just a memory and I'm afraid I am only getting to experience it from the fringes. Just this afternoon, it was decided that a trip to the grocery store would be more efficient if I stayed home and kept my foot up so Eliana and Chad are out doing the errands she and I normally do together while I stay here with my laptop. I hate feeling like I am missing out on my daily life but all three of us are learning to cope.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Right before Christmas, we rented a wheelchair so that I could participate in our annual tradition of strolling along our neighborhood's "Candy Cane Lane" and enjoying the lights. Since I was on wheels, my lap became Eliana's seat and we cuddled together while she pointed out sparkly lights and cutout snowmen. We've also successfully navigated a couple of trips to Disney this way which has been a joy. Eliana and I have even figured out a way to hold hands while I'm on crutches by me extending my index finger for her to grip on to. It's not perfect but it has definitely made me appreciate these little moments. I'm not sure how I feel about my daughter being the only kid her age that knows how to say "crutches" or that anytime she hears someone say "ouch" she responds with "foot! Mommy's foot!" but I do love that she came to me the other day and gently patted my broken foot and gave it an "all better" kiss. I'm so worried about missing time with her and sweet girl that she is, she's just concerned about me feeling all better. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"> I think the greatest benefit I've gotten from breaking my foot, is my new found appreciation for having complete mobility. I never realized just how much I took it for granted, how much we all do, until I lost some of it. I am definitely counting myself lucky that my condition is a temporary one. </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">I still have a hard time being forced to take a back seat in my own life. I actually look forward to the day I can carry laundry up and down the stairs or go to the grocery store and buy ingredients for the week's meals. I especially look forward to the day I can run, jump, play and dance with my precious little girl again. Until then, I am doing my best to cherish the quiet moments- cuddling her on my lap as I read a book, having her bring me cup after cup of pretend tea and singing her favorite songs with her as she shows off her dance moves. I just hope she's a little less clumsy than her mother and that her dance moves never have the same results mine did. ;)</span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-34406745557365776682012-11-21T18:20:00.001-08:002013-01-06T23:59:18.099-08:00What I'm Thankful For<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The holiday season is upon once again and again I have so very much to be thankful for. Really just so much and of course the top of a list that includes incredible friends, loving family, an amazing husband and the light of my life, my precious daughter. I can't even tell you how much my heart swelled last holiday season or many tears of joy and disbelief I shed at spending my first holidays as a mommy. There truly was nothing more wonderful or magical. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This year, however, I have realized I have something completely unexpected to be thankful for. For the first time since infertility took over my life, I have begun to feel, well almost normal. I don't think I really understood just how much infertility influenced everything in my life until it didn't anymore. I mean there were the years of trying, temping, injecting, wanding and waiting that have dominated nearly all of my energy, both mental and physical. Then came the complex layers of joy & anxiety that came with finally getting pregnant. And finally the surreal and joyous experience of actually having my child here in the world. Yes, it's been challenging, anyone who says parenting isn't, is lying, but everyday has also been another chance for me to reiterate just how incredible it is to be here, to celebrate the things that most parents may not even notice, to express to the world just how grateful and blessed I feel. More and more each day though, I find myself just living each day as it comes without all of the fanfare. Yes, of course I still feel blessed and grateful but it is not necessarily my every waking thought and that it a good thing. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before infertility, I had interests, I had passions and thoughts that absolutely nothing to do with children or babies or motherhood. But once we began down the road to parenthood, it quickly became the only thing that existed in my life. For 3 years everything has been about being a mom. Trying to be one, hoping to be one, hurting when I wasn't, celebrating when I was. I almost completely forgot who I was. Lately however, I have been finding a lot more of me in my life. I have let myself spend time with friends without feeling guilty that I'm away from Snow Pea. I have taken two trips now without her and I have very much enjoyed the time away. I didn't even talk incessantly about her while I was gone. My husband and I haven't had enough time alone unfortunately, due to busy schedules, but when we do we have found ourselves interested in having conversations that don't revolve around parenting. We've talked about politics, life, friendship, daydreamed about future travel, all of those things that used to matter before the big IF. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am loving rediscovering myself and remembering all of those things that used to be me. I am especially excited to be that person again as my daughter grows up so that I can give her a well-rounded childhood. It's easy as a parent after IF for me to be too protective or too focused on how "miraculous" parenthood is but I know in the big picture that isn't fair to her. She shouldn't have me worrying her whole life or putting her on an impossible pedestal. That is just too much pressure and childhood is hard enough without having to live up to your parents' dreaminess about your existence. Of course, I want her to know how loved she is, how much she was wanted, how hard we fought but I never want her to think that means she isn't allowed to make mistakes or have bad days. She doesn't owe us anything. She gets to be a normal kid just like all of her friends. She doesn't need the burden of forever being a "miracle baby". </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So while I will most definitely be expressing my gratitude this holiday that IVF was a success for me and that I am finally a mom, I will also be taking the time to do express thanks that the things that make me who I am, things I once worried I might have lost forever to the black hole of infertility, are slowly but surely becoming part of my life again. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-38262006341211448682012-10-30T20:55:00.003-07:002012-10-30T20:55:43.832-07:00Love, Life, & Loss<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Tomorrow Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month comes to a close. But before October ends, I want to take a moment and reflect on this emotional remembrance and do my part to add to the awareness of miscarriage, pregnancy loss and infant death. I truly believe it is important to have this time to stop the rest of the world and make the voices of loss heard. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #073763;">Of course, as always, my family participated in the <b><a href="http://www.ocwalktoremember.org/" target="_blank">OC Walk to Remember</a> </b>in honor of the steps our babies will never take. It was an emotional event just as in years past, but what really struck me was just how big the event has become since we first took part 3 years ago. There were so many new faces, new names read aloud. The crowd was noticeably larger and the funds raised to support local NICUs and baby loss support groups was quite impressive. I really am thrilled to know that we helped to support such an amazing cause but I still really don't know how to feel about how much the walk has grown in these past few years. </span></span><span class="userContent"></span><br />
<span class="userContent"><br /></span>
<span class="userContent"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The thought I wanted to hold on to and the one Chad kept steering me toward, was that the walk's growth is a good thing. More families than ever who have suffered the loss of their precious little ones are getting the support and the resources they need to grieve, to honor and cherish their babies. The walk's growth means that so many who may have been carrying their heartbreak alone for so long, now have found a place where they can celebrate their baby, hear their name, cry openly and do something positive for others who are going through the same. And the sheer number of supportive family and friends who accompany these grieving parents, holding their hands, shedding their own tears and honoring their lost sons and daughters alongside them is enough to make anyone's heart swell. Clearly, the walk, the entire Month itself, is fulfilling one very important mission in raising awareness of loss and increasing the love and support for those that experience it. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="userContent"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I tried my best to only think about these many positive aspects of seeing so many new faces among the ever-expanding crowd this year, but I couldn't help knowing better. I knew that many of these new faces meant new losses and for that my heart broke over and over again. I still carry and honor every single one of the names I wore last year. This year, I sadly had many new precious ones to add to that list. My little community has suffered far too much and I pray every day that no more will come, that the most recent loss will be the last. But no matter what happens I will always, always honor and remember. It is the least I can do. </span></span><br />
<span class="userContent"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="userContent"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I can hope. I can keep reaching out for that light amongst the darkness. I can celebrate the sweet boy born just before 25 weeks gestation fighting and growing in the NICU. I can cheer for the amazing little boy home with his parents and big brother after the devastating loss of his twin sister in utero. I can rejoice for the friend who has reached full term with a healthy baby boy after the gut-wrenching goodbye she said to his twin halfway through her pregnancy. I can praise the amazing nurses and staff at NYU Medical Center who safely evacuated 20 infants from the NICU after the hospital lost power during Hurricane Sandy (story <b><a href="http://us.cnn.com/2012/10/30/health/sandy-hospital/index.html?sr=sharebar_facebook" target="_blank">here</a></b>). I can support those who are finding their way after a loss. Hold their hands as they try to bring their rainbows into the world or stand with them if they decide not to pursue another pregnancy. </span></span><br />
<span class="userContent"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span class="userContent"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It breaks my heart into a million pieces to think of anyone ever suffering the devastating loss of a child. I still cry for each miscarriage, each lost baby and I wish more than anything that no one would ever have to go through such pain. And yes, knowing what I know about how fragile these things are, seeing loss after loss, does give me trepidation when I consider trying to conceive again one day, but I would still never turn away from this community. Because what I have learned is that it is not just loss or grief we can find here, there is hope, there is love, there is life. Grieving is living, contrary to what many will have you believe. Crying, wailing, mourning, whatever form it takes, it honors the life we miss. My grandmother shared with me recently the stories of her two stillborn sons and the grief she still feels. She wears their birthstones on her mother ring right alongside her other six children and remembers them every day with love. I know that losing her boys shattered her heart and that she, like all parents who have lost, will always miss those pieces. But seeing how those that have experienced loss honor their children in the amazing ways that they live life is truly awe-inspiring.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="userContent"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For those that have lost babies, I know your hearts ache all year long. Please know that while October has been a month for the nation to be made aware of the reality of Pregnancy and Infant Loss, so many of us also ache all year along with you and we remember, love and honor every day. </span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAVrPq60X7ZsQyPXg7Jcv0yxtoZpKMFvKwff-OnpA6P0YsuO4DSkkq-vbMN2DnfKyFvVF_6LEIZ4Xxg2LnwoK16l8v_UWgIDgr4ODQjk6s-9v0BOVRDSY6k0dSor_ITAbDUm8BQCDwxPo/s1600/P1010453.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAVrPq60X7ZsQyPXg7Jcv0yxtoZpKMFvKwff-OnpA6P0YsuO4DSkkq-vbMN2DnfKyFvVF_6LEIZ4Xxg2LnwoK16l8v_UWgIDgr4ODQjk6s-9v0BOVRDSY6k0dSor_ITAbDUm8BQCDwxPo/s320/P1010453.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<span class="userContent"><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-29945339969378947732012-10-08T20:25:00.001-07:002012-10-08T20:57:58.159-07:00The Infertility Oscars <span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This past Tuesday, October 2 was The Resolve Night of Hope in NYC, or as they have been affectionately referred to by some, The Infertility Oscars. After all, The Night of Hope truly is the infertility community's red carpet night. Doctors, advocates, bloggers, drug companies, journalists and therapists all working within and somehow touched by infertility, come together to share hope and honor those who have been making a difference in the community. I was honored enough to be among them and receive the Hope Award for Best Blog. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not long after Resolve emailed me to inform me that I had won, I realized I would need to give some sort of acceptance speech. I was equally thrilled and terrified. I don't talk about this much here, but long before infertility became my focus in life, I was a die-hard theater student. I spent all of my childhood, teens and at least half of my college years either in an acting class or onstage in some way. I, like most aspiring actors, have often practiced my academy award thank yous in the mirror. However, having long ago moved on to other passions, I have never thought I would actually be on a brightly lit stage in a pretty dress, thanking my husband for his support in helping me achieve this honor. But now thanks to this blog and the incredible love and support of the infertility community, there I was trying to write my heartfelt and grateful remarks without going over the time limit that would get me cut off by the "wrap it up" music. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had drafts of what I would say in my head for weeks. I'd think of a meaningful sentiment randomly throughout the day and make mental notes to include it. Finally the night of the event, I sat in the cab with Chad, furiously re-reading and revising my handwritten remarks. I had covered everything I wanted to say and timed myself enough to know it would stay under the minute and a half I was allotted. The only problem was I couldn't get through my rehearsals without crying. I just meant every word so deeply there was no way I could stop myself from getting choked up. I know it would have been ok to cry but I didn't want it to make me lose myself and prevent me from saying what I needed to say. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the end though, it didn't matter. I cried that night many times, but not during my speech. I cried during cocktails while Chad and I were speaking with </span></span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Jennifer Ludden, NPR Correspondent and Marisa PeƱaloza, NPR Producer about the powerful effects of positive journalism covering infertility. I cried during the awards watching the Pampers "<a href="http://youtu.be/OxbRdxbBROI" target="_blank"><b>Every Little Miracle</b></a>" ad. (Click and keep a dry eye, I dare you) I cried during dessert speaking with fertility clinic nurses and hearing just how deeply they cared about the work they do and their patients. I teared up during speeches, hugs and in the middle of conversations. It was amazing to be in a room full of people that were simultaneously so professional yet so equally emotional and passionate. I remember so many incredible discussions and heartfelt moments from the night, but I don't have a clue what happened during my speech. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">I walked onstage, thanked my presenter, turned to face the audience, spoke the first 3 words I had written down and completely lost my place. So I just went with it. I said what was in my heart. Since I actually had written my remarks out and practiced them, I felt like I had managed to cover just about everything I wanted to say but in not quite the way I meant to say it. After I walked offstage, I was buzzing with excitement and a bit of confusion. </span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">How did that go? </span><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">What the heck did I say up there, exactly? Did I make a fool of myself? I wasn't entirely sure.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">After some reassurance from Chad and fellow bloggers Jen (<a href="http://thisismorepersonal.tumblr.com/"><b>http://thisismorepersonal.tumblr.com/</b></a>) and Jay (<b><a href="http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/">http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/</a></b>) that I hadn't mucked the whole thing up, I breathed a sigh of relief and enjoyed the rest of what was a beautiful and incredibly inspiring night. I thought about typing up the speech I had written for you here, but since Chad was wonderful enough to capture it on video, I would rather share with you the speech I gave. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/exdoJtXbeUk?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I again, can't thank this community enough for all it has have given me. And although very few of my friends or family have ever seen my blog, I am incredibly grateful to each and every one of them for the incredible love and support they have shown me and Chad as they have learned about our struggle. I am a lucky girl. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. </span></span> <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-78879560839167729342012-09-30T23:22:00.000-07:002012-10-01T12:42:41.198-07:00Honoring Hope<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The big event is nearly here. In less than 48 hours I will have the privilege of honoring some amazing people for their compassion and advocacy. The RESOLVE Night of Hope is the day after tomorrow and I am so excited to be a part of it. Just being in the same room with so many of the people putting their hearts and souls into making a difference in the lives of those affected by infertility is an honor in itself but to be included among them as an honoree simply blows my mind. The other award recipients are truly incredible and I'm so humbled by their contributions to the infertility community. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I remember sobbing last year, along with many of my fellow bloggy and Twitter pals, every time I saw he every little miracle commercial for Pampers. They showcased all of the ways families are made, including IVF, adoption and surrogacy without belittling or "othering" those parents. Being pregnant with my own IVF miracle at the time, I was moved each and every time I saw it and so grateful to have my experience included for once. For that ad, Pampers will be receiving the Hope Award for Achievement and I feel it couldn't be more well-deserved.</span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The other award recipients are even more inspiring. NPR is also being honored with the Hope Award for Achievement for a series of infertility related stories they've run over the past three years. These stories have done so much to really educate people on the issues and experiences of those dealing with infertility which is truly one of the most important components of advocacy. Lindsay Nohr Beck will be awarded the Barbara Eck Founders Award for her work with LIVESTRONG as their Cancer & Fertility Advisor. Kelly Damron is being honored with Hope Award for Service for her tireless and crucial work with her local Arizona area Resolve chapter. Eli Reshef, MD is being honored for his advocacy in he area of women's health and his involvement in defeating personhood amendments in his state. Atlee Breland, who founded "Parents Against Personhood", is receiving the Advocacy Award for her role in protecting the rights of people with infertility. And of course Redbook is receiving a very deserving honor for their "Truth About Trying" campaign which is spreading, not only knowledge about the realities of infertility, but also the message that there is no shame in having a hard time trying to become a parent. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am so in awe in each of these incredible award winners and the amazing ways they have advocated for women and men facing infertility. I still cannot believe that my quiet little blog is being lauded along with these incredible advocates. I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous about speaking onstage and I feel a little bit unworthy of such an incredible honor in comparison to the many blogs and advocates that have made a difference in my life. I just hope I don't trip on my way up or ramble when I'm speaking. And even more than that I hope I can continue to blog about topics that matter to this community and to be an advocate worthy of such a wonderful honor. </span><br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border-bottom-width: 0px !important; border-color: initial !important; border-image: initial !important; border-left-width: 0px !important; border-right-width: 0px !important; border-style: initial !important; border-top-width: 0px !important;" /></a><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The RESOLVE Night of Hope is Tuesday, October 2 at 7pm. You can follow along with what is happening at the gala by following #2012nightofhope on Twitter. You can also learn more about the award recipients and other event info by clicking </span><a href="http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=NOH_winners" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank"><b>here</b></a><span style="color: #073763; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. </span>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8838573435997763550.post-24560160803875521402012-09-24T15:36:00.000-07:002012-09-24T15:37:16.995-07:00Welcome Home <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsUUvlIzK30H1k-BnHb3uBJUFhcnXM5eUZ-gk33rJUwV5jkTJT3kOSGceAbvtqbbUDTzUPeLLHvTeWWnfT7GPTe3ISb5CmfMGJL2cQjfWdA48CFzge_QxBvuLowNBkUbWPCaPZ-_I-jsA/s1600/front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsUUvlIzK30H1k-BnHb3uBJUFhcnXM5eUZ-gk33rJUwV5jkTJT3kOSGceAbvtqbbUDTzUPeLLHvTeWWnfT7GPTe3ISb5CmfMGJL2cQjfWdA48CFzge_QxBvuLowNBkUbWPCaPZ-_I-jsA/s320/front.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you have read any of my posts in the past few months, you may have noticed my schedule is just a teensy bit full lately. Between entertaining out of town guests, travels of our own, moving into our new home and the daily in and outs of everyday life I feel like I have barely been able to take a breath lately, let alone think about how I feel about all of the things that have been happening. I have however been trying my absolute best to live in and enjoy every moment of all of these events both big and small. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For starters, we had an amazing time on our first trip without Eliana. I was so nervous that I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself but in the end all three of us benefited from the trip. Chad and I were able to spend quality time with each other and our friends and Eliana had an amazing time with her grandparents. And absolutely nothing compared with the moment we came home to her excited smiles and endless hugs. She spent the entire afternoon after we got home running back and forth between the two of us giggling and throwing herself into full body hugs and kisses. I melt all over again just thinking about it. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We didn't have long to stop and reflect on the fun we had though because the next day we threw ourselves straight into moving and it's been non-stop since. It has been so busy that I haven't had time to really reflect on leaving the home we inhabited for the past three years. Yeah, it's just an apartment, but so much happened there. This was where we lived when we came to California from Florida without a friend or family member within 1000 miles, when it was literally just the two of us against the world. This was where we held each other and cried after so many BFNs, where we hoped things would "just fall into place". We were in that apartment when we decided to pursue IVF. We where there for both of the phone calls that gave us the news that I was pregnant. We holed up together in that living room crying and mourning the loss of my first pregnancy. I will never forget the days I spent in that bedroom on bedrest after my FET, hoping that Snow Pea was snuggling in as I watched "Gone With the Wind" and relaxed to the hum of our new window a/c as the 115 heat wave roared outside nor will I forget any moment of the pregnancy that followed and all of the excited hopeful moments that it contained. Taking apart the desk and guest bed to make room for a crib and changing table, hanging vinyl star decals on the freshly painted nursery walls, baking spicy labor cookies in the tiny kitchen, saying goodbye to our life as a couple as we left for the hospital and hello to our life as a family when we returned home with Snow Pea in our arms. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That apartment is where Eliana laughed for the first time, spoke her first words and took her first steps. There are so many amazing and important memories there and it is bittersweet leaving the place where so many important moments in my life took place. But it's not just the past I am sad to say goodbye to. In the past few months we have become close with the neighbors that live next door to us. They have a son just a bit older than Eliana and the two of them have a blast playing together. And the four of us adults have a great time just hanging out, talking and laughing together. The first time we sat on the patio together chatting, we were there until 3am, not realizing just how late it was. Becoming parents isn't exactly easy on your social life and having friends we genuinely liked and clicked with right next door was pretty incredible. We got to feel like our Saturday nights were fun again while still having the comfort of being just a few steps away from our baby girl. Of course, we are maintaining our friendship with them but we are definitely sad to give them up as neighbors. I know it's just a place, just four walls and a roof but I can't help but feel a connection to that place. I probably always will. It is after all where I lived for what has turned out to be the most significant three years of my life. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are officially living in our new house </span></span><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(yes that is a picture of it- LOVE!)</span></span><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> and we really do love it here. This house has more space, heaps more character and </span></span><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">a great yard complete with white picket fence</span></span><span style="color: #073763;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. We are just two blocks from the park and five blocks from downtown and all kinds of fantastic cafes, coffee shops and antique stores. But there is still plenty left to do until we are "settled". Luckily, Snow Pea loves the new house and only really lost sleep our first night here. Since then, she has become pretty comfortable and happy in her new digs. Speaking of happy, that is her new favorite word. She started saying it last week and hasn't stopped. It is absolutely, unbelievably heart melting to hear! I ask her if she is a happy baby girl then she responds with a giant smile and giggle before exclaiming "happy! happy! happy!" over and over again. It's the best. She has a few other new words too. She loves saying apple, up, baby, book, ball and her two best friends names Avery and JoJo. All of which she has learned since our move. She even said her very first sentence the other day! I asked her what she wanted to do and she said "go outside walk!" It was astounding! It is incredible to witness and experience every new day with her. She is developing such a fun, goofy and lovable personality and after only a week in the new house she has already created so many wonderful memories here. I can't wait to experience and create even more, maybe one day as a family of four. </span></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/39/16CF2848A5C6829F0A9EFE46BAED5687.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Hollyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13797146094622280538noreply@blogger.com3