Today was the big day: Beta day. Oh how I dread beta day! The agony of waiting for that damn phone to ring after my blood has been drawn is one of the big reasons I kept putting of this FET. The day started out hopeful-ish. I went in for my blood draw early and was assured of a call before lunch. I have always waited for that call with my past cycles. I never poas (pee on a stick). Ever. I used to do pregnancy tests at home all the time back in my temping, charting, clomid days. I would squint and tilt and take photos so I could change the light & tint until I maybe saw a ghost of a second line. In reality, those sticks were always pure, stark white minus that one cruel line. And because it "could still be early", I would never truly lose hope until AF arrived and left me crying on my bathroom floor. It was a hell of a roller coaster and I have been terrified of it ever since I moved on to IVF so I always waited for beta. Until today.
Chad and I have both been so pessimistic, so afraid to even entertain the idea that this FET might really work that we agreed we wanted to find out together and on our terms. If it was negative, fine, but at least we'd be expecting it when the phone rang. So we left the RE's office & rushed to buy tests. I was too scared to look, so at first I just glanced out of the corner of my eye. One line. There was one line. But it had only been 30 seconds. So we both looked again and slowly a 2nd line was coming into view. It wasn't dark but it was clearly visible. No squinting, tilting or altering required! A second line! It was really happening! We were relieved and ready for the phone to ring. We didn't want to get too ahead of ourselves before we heard the numbers. But the call never came. Lunch came & went and the phone didn't ring. I've learned that clinic staff delays making "bad news" calls. They call their good news patients early. It only took 2 hours from blood draw to phone call when I got pregnant with Eliana. 1st beta- 737. Today, six hours had passed so finally I got sick of waiting and called them. The nurse did not sound cheerful or excited. She started with "congrats" but in a way that sounded like it had a question mark at the end of it. Then she told me my beta was 17. One freaking seven. My hope has plummeted to nearly zero. Either this is a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage or the hCG booster I did last Monday still hasn't totally left my system. I have another beta on Thursday to see if my beta changes at all and yeah there is that small sliver of a chance that by some miracle it will shoot up but I'm not counting on it.
Honestly, it sounds awful, but I'm mostly hoping for a big drop. If this FET isn't the one, I just want to know. I don't want to ride the beta roller coaster again. Back in 2010 when I did my fresh IVF, my emotions were yanked in every possible direction with betas that rose but didn't double, then slightly rose again, then tripled. It was hell never knowing if that pregnancy was going to last. When I finally made it to ultrasound and there was no heartbeat, I was devastated and angry. If the cycle was not going to end in a baby, why did I have to endure that torture? A BFN would have hurt but it would have been easier to mourn. No ups and downs, no D&C, no miscarriage. That loss was painful and the merry-go-round that preceded it was hell. I do not want to do that again. I just want to know. Bad news hurts, it's awful, but it is better than maybes and we'll sees. Limbo sucks and I don't want any part of it.
I am so mad myself for peeing on that dumb stick and letting it get my hopes up! For those few, short hours, despite my attempts not to, I started to get attached. I began imagining whether Eliana would have a baby brother or sister in the spring. I started thinking about how it would feel to have a big round belly. I contemplated the number of weeks I would wait before telling my friends. I wasn't jumping up and down but I was truly hopeful. And I'm pissed at myself for that. I should have known better. It hurts more this way. It feels like someone offered me what I want most in the world and as soon as I reached to pick it up, they snatched it away and shouted, "Nope! Not this time!". The no sucks but not as much as hearing yes first and having it taken away.
My heart is slowly breaking. Nothing chips away at that crack quite as much as Eliana's sweet face and her requests for a baby brother or sister. Yesterday, totally out of the blue, she asked me if she could please have a baby brother or sister to hold. She wants it so badly. She tells me she will help with the baby and push the stroller. The hope and love in her eyes when she talks about it is indescribable. It kills me that I almost believed I would be able to fulfill that request nine months from now and now I am not sure when it might happen. I don't know for sure how quickly I will be ready to try again. My emotions just can't handle it. But no matter how sad or hurt I am about this cycle, I am nowhere near the point I was before Eliana was here. These are the same hurts, the same wounds, but they have scar tissue now. I will cry but I will have her to make me smile. I want another baby one day, I want her to have the sibling she craves, but she is enough. This is painful, yes, but it is nothing compared to the hurt of not yet being a mother. So, I will push through the next two days and hope that I have real, solid answers by then. I may cry, I may worry or panic, I may get pissed and hate most of the world, but in the end I will be OK. I just hope that end comes sooner rather than later.
My temps dropped. Late. And then AF came. Late. I cried my heart out and mourned this lost cycle and lamented about the tricks my body played on me. And then I realized that I need a break from the insanity. I am sick of being on a schedule. I am tired of being so hyper aware of everything my body is doing. I miss the days when Chad and I were just "not preventing", blissfully naive about my blocked tube and believing that if we just behaved like a normal married couple we would surely have a child nine months later. I am emotionally and mentally drained and consumed with the ttc process. It's time to hit pause.
Since this was my last cycle on clomid we have decided to press pause on the whole TTC routine. No temping, no OPKs, no clomid, no crazy BD rituals or requirements. Just a month for Chad and me to just be us. Of course, thanks to many months of charts, I have a vague idea of when I will ovulate so there is a good chance we will still BD during that time, but only if we want to. I know it will be a challenge for my controlling side to let go like this but I am also very relieved to give up some of the stress.
We are in no way giving up the fight, but we realize that it's time to take a break from the battle to rest and regroup. And this is also a perfect opportunity to meet with the experts and re-strategize. Our first appointment with the RE is this Friday. I have mixed feelings about this stage of our TTC journey but I ultimately feel like it's the direction for us right now.
Of course, there is the chance that our plan to take a break will change once we meet with the RE if he wants to do monitoring this cycle, but that's the great thing about a pause button, you can hit play and start right where you left off.
They say when something is keeping you up at night, making you cranky, and generally NEVER off your mind that the best way to improve the situation is to "relax". And these same mysterious "they" say that journaling or blogging is an ideal way to get things off your chest and therefore relax. Kind of like personal therapy with a pen, or in this case a laptop.
So here I am writing my 1st ever blog, derived from what feels like my millionth handwritten (unfinished) journal in order to cope with the stress of infertility and trying to conceive. I have great friends and family, and of course a wonderful husband to talk to, but I still think about this stuff way more than any of these people probably want to hear about. So I have decided to share all of my happy, sad, ridiculous, disgusting, funny and hopeful thoughts on my journey to motherhood with the blogosphere instead.
Here is a quick rundown of my journey so far:
- December 6, 1982: born to the most wonderful mother in the world
- August 1999: wrote paper on what I will be doing in 10 years- motherhood was #1
- January 13, 2003: started dating my future husband, Chad
- March 18, 2007: married him
- April 2007: stopped "preventing".
- July 2007: 1st preconception Dr visit.
- March 2008: shifted from "not preventing" to "trying".
- January 2009: 1st "WTF IS WRONG?!?" appt. Told I'm still young, just start charting.
- January 2009: kept first chart of basal body temperatures.
- March 2009: found out we were moving to California from Florida. Whole world is flipped upside down. Stopped charting.
- April 2009: made the move.
- May 2009: found previously mentioned paper at mom's house. Almost 10 years later and not a mom as predicted. Started to doubt my talents as a fortune teller.
- July 22, 2009: started seriously charting again.
- August 9, 2009: got my 1st positive OPK. Did a happy dance and thought for sure the problem had just been timing and we would get pregnant very soon.
- September 23, 2009: found a new Dr in Cali- officially told we are dealing w/ infertility and given a huge packet of tests to complete.
- October 2009: completed tons of bloodwork, ultrasounds, a semen analysis for the hubby and a very painful HSG for me.
- October 7, 2009: informed I had "no spillage" in my left tube-it's completely blocked. All other tests came back "normal".
- October 27, 2009: started 50mg of Clomid to increase ovarian function & odds of ovulating on my "good" side.
- November 28, 2009: started 2nd round of Clomid
- December 28, 2009: started 3rd round of Clomid
Which brings me to now and back to the whole point of this. I'm supposed to "relax". Whoever decided this was sage advice is in serious need of a good thrashing by the way. I started this journey pretty relaxed but nearly three years later I feel that furiously fighting for what I want is completely reasonable. Whether I ever actually relax again or not, I will be a mom, I'm ready!
