Friday, July 2, 2010

Watching Ice Melt

It's one week into FET and the only big news is that there is no big news. MY RE's office proved to be awesome, yet again, by getting me in for a date with wandy the very same day that AF came and starting me on meds. The list of which is somewhat short. There are still plenty of needles and pill bottles this time around, but nothing compared to arsenal I faced during the fresh cycle. My evening prenatal vitamins were already habit, so other than an injection every 3 days, I am barely even aware that I am doing a cycle right now. It almost feels like I am not.

It is very strange. I almost miss the high level of involvement that came with the fresh IVF. There was a lo to deal witht, but at least with the constant shots and changes in my body I had some physical proof that big things were happening. With the FET there is nothing. My ovaries don't need to be doing anything special, they are barely even a factor this time around, so there is no tummy swelling, no hot flashes, no mood swings. This is great in so many ways. I honestly don't think my fragile heart and mind could handle the ups and downs of a fresh cycle after the miscarriage, so for that reason I am grateful for just how much easier FET is, but I also almost miss these symptoms because they gave me indicators of progress. Yes, hot flashes are miserable, but when they happened I knew the drugs, and my body, were doing what they were supposed to do. This time, I am assuming the drugs are priming my lining for implantation as they should, but until my ultrasound, which is a week away, I have no way to gauge if it's working well.

Adding to the feeling of inactivity is just how short my FET cycle is compared to the fresh one. Last time I had to start with a month of BCP, followed by a few weeks of lupron and then stims and then retrieval before finally reaching transfer day. There was constant activity and there were many milestones along the way. This time I have one, maybe two more ultrasounds and then it's transfer time! How crazy is that? In 2 weeks I will be PUPO! I waited for AF and this cycle for so long that now it feels so crazy to me how quick it is going to be. There are some great things to be said about this short cycle though, for one that I will be starting and finishing it within the same month. I will have an answer, positive or negative, before July is over.

Even though I miss some of that constant activity of IVF, and the productive feeling it gave me, it also made me that much more aware of the 2ww. Going from constant appointments, wandings, injections, and blood draws to absolutely nothing but waiting for 2 weeks was maddening. This time around I am doing virtually nothing before the transfer, so I'm thinking that now doing virtually nothing after won't feel like quite such a shock to the system. Although, I know that no matter how ready I am for the 2ww, it will still be long and agonizing, hopefully this, along with a weekend away right before beta, will keep me at least mostly sane.


Mostly though FET so far really does feel unproductive. I know I am doing everything I can and should be doing, but it feels a lot like I am doing nothing. Last time, I was growing eggs. My body was an engine, revved up to it's full potential in creation. It was actively doing something. I feel like it is more out of my hands this time, since it is all out of my body now. It felt like I could visualize and meditate to encourage the growth of strong, healthy eggs. This time I just sit around waiting, watching the ice melt. I have no control over whether the melt will be successful (not that I really had any control last time but the illusion was nice). I just have to hope and pray that my little embies survive the thaw and snuggle in for nine happy, healthy months.

10 comments:

Lindsey said...

Keeping everything crossed for you! When this works for you, we will be close together!

Miracle in the Making said...

Praying praying praying for you Holly! I want this so badly for you! xoxo

2catdaughters said...

Good luck, Holly! I'm so hopeful that this will work for you!

Tiffany said...

I am so excited for you Holly, and in hopes of not sounding too elderly I'm also so proud of you! You seem to be in such good spirits and you are so strong for jumping right in to continue on your journey. I'm praying for ya every day!

Not There Yet said...

Keeping you in my thoughts. I hope that July brings great news!

Anonymous said...

To Hatch...(Twitter) I wanted to say what some have said already, which is that you are a strong and brave woman for going through this (and your DH too)...Give yourself some credit hun to have come so far is an achievement in itself...

I wish you all the best this time round (even though it doesn't feel like it!) xxx

Ashley said...

My fingers are crossed for you Holly!

lowfatlady said...

I'm glad that this cycle is so much less stressful than before. I'm excited for you to be pupo soon. Good luck!

Bobbi Janay said...

Girl I don't know what you are going through but I can't even imagine how tough it all is. I do understand the feelings of loss and how that will always hurt your heart.

Waiting Lisa said...

I've been thinking about you everyday. I am so excited for this cycle.