Writing and blogging really is such a cathartic way to deal with everything that happens in life, and I don't know why I don't make more time to do it. Mostly, just the regular excuses about being busy and distracted I guess. I mean, yeah I actually am busy and I do get distracted but I should make more quality time for myself. Especially now.
After September's chemical pregnancy, I realized how very much I want to have another child so Chad and I plunged straight into another cycle. I was already in the habit of nightly injections, so might as well keep them going. And yeah that cycle ended badly, but this next one was sure to work, right? I won't keep you in suspense, the answer is no. Today was beta and my official BFN.
Not that it was a shock. I poas'd earlier this weekend knowing Chad was leaving town for work today, and neither of us wanted to be apart immediately after getting the results, so we decided it was better to find out sooner rather than later. Both our hopes were much higher than either us had confessed though, so seeing that single, lonely line Saturday afternoon was crushing to say the least. Still, I don't regret it. Testing early didn't change the outcome and it gave us both time together to process. What knowing didn't change is that it still hurt like hell hearing the nurse say the word "negative" on the phone this morning. I knew that's what she would say. I was fully prepared for it. So why did it still sting? Why does infertility continue to find new ways to make me hurt?
When I became a mom after so much pain and heartbreak, I knew that trying again one day would be hard, but I also knew it would never hurt that same way again. It would never be as raw and intense as the pain of having empty arms. When we finally started our FETs for baby #2, I was confident that I knew what to expect, that I wouldn't be surprised by pain like I had been in the past. But here I am shocked by all of the unexpected ways infertility wracked my emotions yet again. I was still right that it isn't as extreme of a pain as I endured before motherhood, but it is still pain nonetheless, and it still tears at all of my old wounds even as it rips open new ones.
This is my first IVF/FET cycle in which no implantation at all took place. Granted I've only had one child, but I have had 3 "pregnancies". I haven't stared down a straightforward BFN, with no confusing betas or possible positives since my clomid days 4 years ago. And while this complete failure is making me question whether I could have done anything different to get a better outcome, it has also verified a long held suspicion that even though a BFN hurts like hell, it isn't as unbearable as thinking I might actually be getting what I want and having it cruelly ripped away from me. So I guess I have that as a silver lining this cycle? Yeah I am not pregnant, but at least I never was? Honestly, when you are facing this heartbreak, you have to take what you can get when it comes to finding the good in it. And as pessimistic as I sound there is some good. Or at least some hope, anyway. We are very lucky in that we still have frozen embryos left so we can keep trying without having to worry about the time and expense of a fresh IVF cycle. Although, after two failed cycles, we seem to be investing quite a bit of time and money after all.
But back to the hope. As negative and angry as I feel at the moment, I know hope is still there. It isn't over and there is still a good chance that this will work in the end. Although, if I am being honest, I am not really certain of my belief that it will work, and in fact, I am kind of terrified that it won't. I am already crushed that my so many of my family dreams have had to be re-written or let go of altogether, I am just not ready to let go of this one yet. So for now, I am not going to. Thanks to travel and holiday schedules we won't be able to transfer again until next year, which kills me, but hopefully I can use this time off to relax and recharge before subjecting myself to hundreds more needles. I can only hope that the new year brings realized dreams along with it.
Yesterday was October 15, or as it is known in the infertility and loss communities- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Each year on this day for quite a few years now, I have stopped to honor each of the parents that have faced the heartbreak of saying goodbye too soon. All over the world, fellow miscarriage, ectopic and infant loss sufferers send messages of support, light candles and remember the babies that live on in our hearts, despite us being unable to hold them in our arms. We say their names out loud, we share our stories with others, we mourn the lives we'll never know. It is simultaneously, a difficult and uplifting day. Every year, I am saddened by how many new members have joined the wretched & hellish world of loss but I am also awed and inspired by how many new supporters I discover. Each year there is a little bit less stigma, a tad less awkwardness and lot more love. It is amazing to witness in real time the growth that happens within society as a whole the more we talk about the realities of loss. And the reality is that it can and does happen to anyone. With an estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies ending is miscarriage or other loss, it is crucial that we are able to speak about these losses and the feelings that come with them.
It has been three years since my first miscarriage when Chad and I said goodbye to the dreams we had for our Sprout. My heart still can't help but wonder sometimes what life would have been like if that pregnancy hadn't ended in heartbreak. And now that my "Big Fat Maybe" is officially a Big Fat Chemical Pregnancy, I am already wondering what could have been if that embryo had continued growing instead of resulting in an early miscarriage. I probably will always wonder a bit about both of those pregnancies, about what could have been and I will always have cracks in my heart as result.
Those few hours of blissful hope after my positive home pregnancy test last month and then the devastation I felt once I learned the pregnancy wouldn't last, opened my eyes to how deeply I actually do want a second child. I have spent nearly three years shielding my heart and mind from believing it mattered to me as much it actually does. And seeing how much it also matters to Chad and Eliana, I can't help but dive back in, despite my earlier fears that I would need a much longer break before trying again. Granted, the actual transfer is still a little ways away, so there's still time to change my mind (and I have definitely already considered it) but for now I am moving forward to FET #3 with hope that this cycle will result in a much happier outcome.
And although October 15 is just one day and that day has come and gone this year, I will continue to honor the memories of all the little ones gone far too soon. The names of so many precious children are etched in my heart and I will carry them with me always. Ayla, Juliet, Thomas, Bayli, Rudyard, Desmond, Oscar, Audrey, Logan, Brody, Wyatt, Sophia, Caydence, TT and all the others we have lost- you are cherished, remembered and missed.
Today was the big day: Beta day. Oh how I dread beta day! The agony of waiting for that damn phone to ring after my blood has been drawn is one of the big reasons I kept putting of this FET. The day started out hopeful-ish. I went in for my blood draw early and was assured of a call before lunch. I have always waited for that call with my past cycles. I never poas (pee on a stick). Ever. I used to do pregnancy tests at home all the time back in my temping, charting, clomid days. I would squint and tilt and take photos so I could change the light & tint until I maybe saw a ghost of a second line. In reality, those sticks were always pure, stark white minus that one cruel line. And because it "could still be early", I would never truly lose hope until AF arrived and left me crying on my bathroom floor. It was a hell of a roller coaster and I have been terrified of it ever since I moved on to IVF so I always waited for beta. Until today.
Chad and I have both been so pessimistic, so afraid to even entertain the idea that this FET might really work that we agreed we wanted to find out together and on our terms. If it was negative, fine, but at least we'd be expecting it when the phone rang. So we left the RE's office & rushed to buy tests. I was too scared to look, so at first I just glanced out of the corner of my eye. One line. There was one line. But it had only been 30 seconds. So we both looked again and slowly a 2nd line was coming into view. It wasn't dark but it was clearly visible. No squinting, tilting or altering required! A second line! It was really happening! We were relieved and ready for the phone to ring. We didn't want to get too ahead of ourselves before we heard the numbers. But the call never came. Lunch came & went and the phone didn't ring. I've learned that clinic staff delays making "bad news" calls. They call their good news patients early. It only took 2 hours from blood draw to phone call when I got pregnant with Eliana. 1st beta- 737. Today, six hours had passed so finally I got sick of waiting and called them. The nurse did not sound cheerful or excited. She started with "congrats" but in a way that sounded like it had a question mark at the end of it. Then she told me my beta was 17. One freaking seven. My hope has plummeted to nearly zero. Either this is a chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage or the hCG booster I did last Monday still hasn't totally left my system. I have another beta on Thursday to see if my beta changes at all and yeah there is that small sliver of a chance that by some miracle it will shoot up but I'm not counting on it.
Honestly, it sounds awful, but I'm mostly hoping for a big drop. If this FET isn't the one, I just want to know. I don't want to ride the beta roller coaster again. Back in 2010 when I did my fresh IVF, my emotions were yanked in every possible direction with betas that rose but didn't double, then slightly rose again, then tripled. It was hell never knowing if that pregnancy was going to last. When I finally made it to ultrasound and there was no heartbeat, I was devastated and angry. If the cycle was not going to end in a baby, why did I have to endure that torture? A BFN would have hurt but it would have been easier to mourn. No ups and downs, no D&C, no miscarriage. That loss was painful and the merry-go-round that preceded it was hell. I do not want to do that again. I just want to know. Bad news hurts, it's awful, but it is better than maybes and we'll sees. Limbo sucks and I don't want any part of it.
I am so mad myself for peeing on that dumb stick and letting it get my hopes up! For those few, short hours, despite my attempts not to, I started to get attached. I began imagining whether Eliana would have a baby brother or sister in the spring. I started thinking about how it would feel to have a big round belly. I contemplated the number of weeks I would wait before telling my friends. I wasn't jumping up and down but I was truly hopeful. And I'm pissed at myself for that. I should have known better. It hurts more this way. It feels like someone offered me what I want most in the world and as soon as I reached to pick it up, they snatched it away and shouted, "Nope! Not this time!". The no sucks but not as much as hearing yes first and having it taken away.
My heart is slowly breaking. Nothing chips away at that crack quite as much as Eliana's sweet face and her requests for a baby brother or sister. Yesterday, totally out of the blue, she asked me if she could please have a baby brother or sister to hold. She wants it so badly. She tells me she will help with the baby and push the stroller. The hope and love in her eyes when she talks about it is indescribable. It kills me that I almost believed I would be able to fulfill that request nine months from now and now I am not sure when it might happen. I don't know for sure how quickly I will be ready to try again. My emotions just can't handle it. But no matter how sad or hurt I am about this cycle, I am nowhere near the point I was before Eliana was here. These are the same hurts, the same wounds, but they have scar tissue now. I will cry but I will have her to make me smile. I want another baby one day, I want her to have the sibling she craves, but she is enough. This is painful, yes, but it is nothing compared to the hurt of not yet being a mother. So, I will push through the next two days and hope that I have real, solid answers by then. I may cry, I may worry or panic, I may get pissed and hate most of the world, but in the end I will be OK. I just hope that end comes sooner rather than later.
I don't really know if I should admit this but I don't have a good feeling about this FET cycle. I know I am supposed to be optimistic and positive but I just have a gut feeling that this will be a BFN. It's not that I am feeling defeated or trying to be negative, it just seems like one of those times when you just "know". I want this cycle to be it, but my intuition is saying otherwise.With my IVF in March, I was of course nervous and excited and so many other emotions. I hoped for a positive result and tried to prepare myself for a negative, but somewhere in my heart I just had the feeling it would be a BFP. I was overjoyed when that hope and prediction came true. Then when it came time for the first ultrasound, I had this gut feeling that it wouldn't be good. I have never really talked about this, but the day before the u/s I just knew it wouldn't go well. I wasn't nearly as surprised by our bad news as I could have been because my instincts had warned me ahead of time.Or at least I think it is my instincts. My good friend Lisa reminded me today that my doubts and fear aren't proof of anything. She said it is just my head trying to protect my heart. And she is right but what my head is missing is that my heart will hurt whether I am optimistic or not. And this got me thinking even more about instinct and intuition.I have always been a believer in gut feelings but I am starting to really wonder if that belief is slightly misplaced. I mean I also used to think everything happened for a reason, but after all I have been through, I don't believe that anymore either. (a blog post for another time) There is a big push in the world around us to trust our guts, to live in connection with our intuitive nature and let it guide us, but honestly how often are our instincts really right? Do we just convince ourselves of their accuracy based on the times they are correct and conveniently forget when they're not? I wish there was a way to truly test my instincts.
Speaking of testing, I am going to go off topic here because I need some advice from my dear bloggy friends. To test or not to test. My beta is coming up and of course I have to do the blood work no matter what but I am starting to wonder if I should poas before my appt or not. Last time, I was too terrified of a BFN and I waited for the phone call from my RE's office. This time around, I know that a BFN could never be as devastating as the news of my miscarriage, so part of me just wants to get it over with. If my instincts are right and it is negative it seems like an HPT would allow me to rip off the band-aid in minutes instead of waiting hours for results to come in. Then again, do I really want wake up early and go to the RE's office already knowing I will be getting bad news? Any advice or first hand experiences would be so greatly appreciated on this!
As for my intuitive nature and my negative so-called instincts, I am doing my best to focus on the positives. I am reminding myself of the many stories I have heard first hand of those who just knew without a doubt in their minds that their cycle had failed only to be proven completely wrong when the day of truth finally came. If the scientific theories surrounding instinct have any bearing, instincts exist simply for the purpose of self preservation. We know to retreat from unseen danger, just as a squirrel runs from an oncoming car, to keep ourselves safe and protected. If this is the case, my instincts don't know the outcome of anything, they just know that the outcome has the potential to hurt me and is setting off those alerts to keep me as safe as possible. My brain is just doing it's job trying to protect my heart.
I am following in the footsteps of many fellow IVFers and POASing despite my beta. I have seen so many stark white BFNs over the past 3 years, I want to see my BFP in person! That 2nd pink line is just too pretty!
I also want to thank you again from the bottom of my heart for all of the amazing and wonderful comments on my recent posts. I was moved to tears by your love support and just can't tell you enough how very grateful I am.
LOW-TECH TTC GOING OUT OF BUSINESS GIVEAWAY!
EVERYTHING MUST GO!!
As most of you know I am officially out of the low-tech TTC business and moving on to the high-tech: IVF. When I 1st realized that my stash of OPKs, HPTs, Pre-Seed, and various OTC pills and supplements were now completely useless to me, I was a bit bummed. I had not only spent a decent amount of time and money amassing these things, I had also mastered their use and knew when to poas, how to read those confusing pink lines and what days to take baby aspirin and what days to take mucinex. But then I remembered that I have so many wonderful TTC buddies out there who have been reading my blog and have been so supportive and I realized that this was the perfect opportunity for me to say thank you and pay it forward with some great fertility products!
Just a few short days ago I officially received and began using my new high-tech TTC kit. Full of lots and lots of drugs, and needles.
So now that I have this kit: 
I am giving away this kit:
If you are TTC, my loss can be your gain! I am officially out of the low-tech TTC business and everything seen here must go!
Included in this giveaway:
- 12 Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com OPK test strips +instructions
- 4 Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com HPT test strips + instructions
- 4 ClearBlue Easy Digital OPK tests & reader + instructions
- 1 First Response Early Result HPT + instructions
- 1 sample pack of Pre-Seed fertility-friendly intimate moisturizer
- 1 sample pack of Pre' sperm-friendly lubricant
- A coupon for 10% off purchase of FertilAid fertility supplements
- Special surprise good luck charms, just for fun
So how can this amazing TTC kit be yours? Simple! You must be a follower of this blog, if you're not already just click "follow" on the right hand side, and you must also leave me a comment on any of my other blog posts that you have not already commented on (posts made after this giveaway are included so it's ok to wait until I put up some new posts this week) and then leave a comment here letting me know which post you commented on.See, easy peasy lemon squeezy!
And if you really, really want to win here are a few extra ways you can enter: (leave an extra comment for each extra entry)
- Follow me on twitter
- Tweet: "I am ready to win a fantastic TTC kit from @ready2bmom and you can get ready too at http://bit.ly/cl6rrx"
- Add my button to your blog
- Blog about this giveaway (make sure to leave a link in your comment)
Last day to enter is March 3rd and the winner will be selected randomly and announced March 4th. Good luck! **Disclaimer: I have not been paid or in any other way compensated for any portion of this giveaway. All of these products were purchased by me and my opinions on their effectiveness are completely subjective. Many of these products have been removed from their original boxes but all products remain individually sealed in their original protective packaging. I will do my best to ensure their safety in shipping but cannot be held responsible for possible damage that may occur during shipping process.
Today is 11dpo and my temp is the same as yesterday. This has NEVER happened. My temp always starts going down by now. My LP is only 12 days so a temp drop at 11dpo is expected and very typical, but today it didn't happen. I had a significant dip at 9dpo and assumed it was the beginning of the end but then at 10dpo it went back up and is still there! (my chart) I am trying to keep my feet on the ground but the bubble of of hope in my heart is getting bigger and is about to float away with me.
Before you ask, yes I caved and poas'd this morning: BFN. I know that 11dpo is pretty early though, so the knowledge of my not falling temp this morning is staying with me. This is dangerous. I have been having those daydreams about how I would tell friends and family, when the baby would be due, and how I would decorate the nursery. I have even gone so far as to find out that if we did in fact conceive this month it would have happened on January 13, which as you may recall is our lego anniversary and the start of our lucky 8th year together. Little things like this make me even more hopeful. The ups and downs of ttc and struggling with infertility has never made me more afraid to hope. As horrible as I felt last month knowing I wasn't pregnant, as I watched my temperatures fall at least I was prepared for the heartbreak. When I dare to hope the pain of another failed cycle seems to be that much greater. Don't get me wrong, I'm not always hope-phobic. For the majority of every cycle I am very hopeful that this could be the month and I relish the new hopes and possibilities during that time period, it's the last few days of the 2ww when everything gets real. This is the time that will make or break me emotionally. I just fear that I will have sky-high hopes today, despite my best attempts to stay grounded, and I will be in that much more pain tomorrow when my temp drops or worse when AF shows her ugly face.
If this cycle does end in disappointment it's on to the next phase of treatment including my first visit to the RE and most likely surgery for my blocked tube. I am mostly ok with that. I am sure some tears will be shed in the process but I am optimistic that this will be the right course to take. Unless I really am already pregnant....should I really dare to dream?
