I suppose it's official, I'm pregnant. So why can't I get my brain to believe it yet? My body certainly believes it with constant waves of fatigue and nausea, making it difficult to accomplish an entire day's worth of "to-do's". But I still can't seem to accept it. Every time I feel queasy my first thought is "YAY! Nausea reduces likelihood of miscarriage, this is great!" My next thought though is always along the lines of what I ate recently and whether my green face was actually caused by that or worse, completely imagined. Same with the exhaustion. I first think about how great it is that Snow Pea is making me so tired with all that growing going on, but then I re-think and wonder if I am just staying up too late. I know this is ridiculous. I am genuinely nauseous nearly everyday, and I can easily sleep 10 hours each night and still take a 2 hour nap every day. This is really happening. I am just stuck in the "too good to be true" mindset.
Well that's not entirely true. I have had flashes of acceptance and mind blowing reality checks. There's been moments when I have seen a glimpse of the magnitude of this huge reality and been completely dumbfounded at the realization that I will be a mom, I will be completely responsible for a living human being, a human being that is currently growing inside my body! It is a lot to fully comprehend, kind of like understanding how vast the universe really is. You think you understand until you really stop and think about it and then it dawns on you that this is something so much bigger than you or anything that has ever happened in your life.
Of course these moments can't last forever and I have found myself back in the realm of wondering if all this bigger than me, amazingness is going to be pulled out from under me again. Anyone who follows me on twitter knows I had a bit of a freak out when my nausea went away for a few days before my last ultrasound. (thank you again by the way for all the words of comfort during my craziness) I know morning sickness is one of the hardest things to deal with for most pregnant women and I know I am naive to think I won't be hating it after another month of daily queasiness, but right now it has become a mental security blanket. I had so many other symptoms the last time around and they felt like such a slap in the face after I learned the pregnancy wasn't viable. So now I am carrying around the nausea and the old wives tale about lower miscarriage risks, like a soft cozy teddy bear. If I even for a second think that I wish my tummy felt better, I remember that it means my Snow Pea is healthy and smile instead.
Besides the obvious mental protection I'm doing by not fully believing this is real, I think some of my difficulty with accepting it all is normal. I've spoken to moms who had no trouble conceiving (may they know how blessed they are) and they say it didn't feel really real until they were showing or felt kicks or experienced some other big moment. And other than immediate family, very select friends and of course anyone who follows me on my blog or twitter, no one knows about Snow Pea so that makes it seem more surreal too. I think that once I reach some of these milestones I will be able to believe it more, but I also have a feeling I will still have those "Wow this is too huge to wrap my head around" moments too. Because wow this is huge! I just hope I am as ready to be a mom as I always thought I was.
Well it's Monday, which means I had my 3rd beta today. My last beta level came in at 1315 four days ago, so it should have doubled twice and measured at about 5200 today. I had my blood drawn at 8am and was then told that the results wouldn't be in until after lunch, at about 2pm, a wait that normally would have made me incredibly anxious, but today I have been far too tired to feel very strongly about anything except my desire to curl up with my soft green blanket and pass out. Actually, I was in just such a state when the phone rang this afternoon and my nurse very happily reported that my beta was 6900!
She then decided my number was high enough to warrant an ultrasound but wanted to consult with Dr Jedi first before scheduling the appointment. She said it would either be Friday when we would be able to see the yolk sac but possibly too early for the heartbeat, or Monday when she was confident a heartbeat should be visible. I happily thanked her for the good news and went back into my couch coma. After another hour so she called to schedule the first ultrasound for Monday.
Seems Dr. Jedi thinks those few extra days will be worth it for a better chance of finding a heartbeat. And even though it is a full week's wait, I agree with him. The ultrasound was mine and Sprout's undoing last time. Even worse though was that it was all so inconclusive. At that 1st ultrasound, we were told it was most likely a non-viable pregnancy, but I had 3 more ultrasounds before it was made official. That week and a half of uncertainty and doomed hope made everything so much harder. It forced us to put our grief on hold and dragged out the hurt. I hope with all of my heart that this pregnancy is the one that goes the distance, but either way I want as much accurate and conclusive information as I can get from the very first ultrasound. So those few extra days of waiting is really worth it to me. (Please remind me I said this when I am freaking out at the end of the week, anxiously willing Monday to hurry up and get here.)
Right now though, I feel pretty calm and relaxed about the wait. Or maybe I'm just too sleepy to be nervous. I honestly feel like I have the ability to sleep straight through until next Monday, only waking periodically to do my injections and maybe eat or go to the bathroom. I took 2 naps today, both filled with crazy vivid dreams (one of which lots of my bloggy and twitter friends showed up in!) Yes, these symptoms make me happy but they aren't as comforting as you would think, since the sleepiness and vivid dreams stuck around until well after my last pregnancy was determined to be non-viable. I just need to see the heartbeat to feel like this is real and if I have to wait a few extra days for that, it will be worth it. I am still one tired girl though, so if you need me I will be the girl curled up the couch napping. Wake me when it's Monday again.
I can't believe it's been over two weeks since I started my IVF injections. It is still in no way my favorite part of the day but I am surviving it. Today is day 6 of stimulation meds and I am starting to really feel those eggies grow! Today I am very aware of my ovaries and I can definitely feel the pressure and bloating everyone always talks about when doing stimulation drugs. I feel like there is a small, hardened balloon in there and it my ovaries feel very heavy. It's also been a lot easier for me to get teary eyed the past few days, but for the most part my moods have been pretty good.
I have noticed this week that the shots on the left side of my stomach hurt A LOT more than on my right. I didn't think much of it at first but after my RE appointment yesterday, I wonder if there is a valid reason my left side stings more. I went in yesterday to meet with wandy for an ultrasound and check on how well my ovaries are responding to the meds. There are 7 follicles on my right side all perfectly shaped and close in size, between 7 and 11mm, exactly what they wanted to see. On my left ovary there are also 7 follicles, although they are a bit smaller- between 5 and 10mm, but they are also very well formed and doing well. My uterine lining looked great as well. I also had my blood drawn and my estrogen levels were 611, which is great for this stage of stims.
But unfortunately it wasn't all good news. My left ovary was in hiding. It took Dr. Jedi a rather uncomfortable minute or two (or 3 or 4) to actually find it and when he finally did he said that it was trapped behind my uterus. This is not good. If my ovary stays in the spot it is in now, there is no way that he can safely get to it during retrieval and all of the eggs on that side will be lost. He did say that as my ovary continues to swell and grow on the stimulation drugs that there is a chance it will get big enough to "burst free" and float up to a more accessible location. As painful as that "bursting free" thing sounds I am hoping with everything I've got that it does just that. I know that the eggs on my other side can still give me the baby I so desperately want, and even a few frozen embryos to create a brother or sister one day, but I really want to be able to have as many chances and as many healthy embies as I can. I am realistic and I know that not every egg that is retrieved will make it to transfer, so every egg really counts!
While I have not gotten completely down and out about this news, I am definitely feeling a bit deflated since I found out I might being losing all of those eggs. I try not to blame myself for my infertility, but there are days when I remember that we are only in this position because of my dysfunctional fallopian tubes and it gets hard not to feel responsible. I have been able to get past those feeling these past few weeks, because since we started IVF, it has felt like we are really doing something and I haven't had time to feel guilty. But now that I know that my ovary is stuck, most likely by the same scar tissue that damaged my tube to begin with, the self-blame is starting to come back a bit. I know logically that it is not my fault but emotionally when things go wrong it's hard not point a finger at myself. Chad has of course been great about letting me know it is not my fault and thanks me every day for everything I am going through to create our family. I am so grateful to have him through all of this.
I am choosing to be optimistic that things can still turn around before the retrieval. I need my RE to be "Dr. Jedi" now more than ever. Let's get those jedi mind tricks in gear and make that ovary move! My nurse assured me that he would "take care of me" and do whatever he could to get all of the eggs my body was producing. And of course I am doing any small thing I can to help things along too. I went back to doing injections on my left side again last night. I know logically that it has no bearing on how each side responds but even just a teeny bit more response on my left side could be the push I need to get that ovary out of hiding. And as I said, that side stings significantly more than the right during my injections so maybe there is something to it. I have also been researching yoga poses that may help things move around in there. I have a week to get that ovary to move. I just don't want to have all my eggs all in one basket, so to speak. I have two baskets of good eggs, I should be able to use both!
This week's sleep deprivation courtesy of Lupron and 4am wake ups *yawn*
I suppose it's official, I'm pregnant. So why can't I get my brain to believe it yet? My body certainly believes it with constant waves of fatigue and nausea, making it difficult to accomplish an entire day's worth of "to-do's". But I still can't seem to accept it. Every time I feel queasy my first thought is "YAY! Nausea reduces likelihood of miscarriage, this is great!" My next thought though is always along the lines of what I ate recently and whether my green face was actually caused by that or worse, completely imagined. Same with the exhaustion. I first think about how great it is that Snow Pea is making me so tired with all that growing going on, but then I re-think and wonder if I am just staying up too late. I know this is ridiculous. I am genuinely nauseous nearly everyday, and I can easily sleep 10 hours each night and still take a 2 hour nap every day. This is really happening. I am just stuck in the "too good to be true" mindset.
