My Lumpy Boob & Me

Over the past few years most of us have become accustomed to the growing presence of pink ribbons, our doctors' reminders to perform monthly self breast-exams, walks for the cure and the sale of pink-dyed baked good donating pennies of the profits to research. Breast cancer has gone from an under-diagnosed, frequently overlooked, and almost certain death sentence to arguably one of the most visible, talked about and screened for diseases in the country. 

With such high visibility and awareness, I admit I often feel guilty that I don't exactly perform those self-exams monthly, or even bi-monthly. It's more like on a "when I remember and then when I actually get to it" thing. I feel even more guilty that I am so lax considering my family history- my paternal grandmother was diagnosed and had a double mastectomy in her 50s. Worst of all though, is that, I still harbor at least a slight "it won't happen to me" attitude. Which is why I am more anxious about dealing with the pain of having a needle jabbed into my boob tomorrow morning than I am about getting the results back on the sample of the lump my doctor will be removing.

I should back up. A couple of months ago, I actually remembered to do that whole boob self-exam thing and I found a bumpy spot inside my right breast. I poked and pushed until it ached and I could be certain it really did feel different the rest of the area. It definitely did. I can best compare it to a hard, round marble just hanging out in the midst of all the other squishy stuff. This may sound alarming, but I've been through this once before and the marble I found when I was in college was also poked, prodded, biopsied and diagnosed as a completely benign fibroadenoma. It looks scary as hell on ultrasound but it's not cancer and for the most part doesn't increase my risk of developing it. And reassuringly, this lump feels very similar to the one I had when I was 23. 

Last week, I did my due diligence and went in for a mammogram and ultrasound to check out the suspicious spot as well as to do an overall check-up of both breasts. Having my boobs squished and pressed again wasn't exactly comfortable but I've survived worse. (HSG anyone?) The ultrasound was almost relaxing, especially since the jelly was heated instead of freezing cold. After lots of looking, the doctor agreed with my initial suspicions that this was most likely another fibroadenoma. She started talking about whether I wanted to biopsy it now to be safe or if I would rather monitor it for 6 months for changes and determine the necessity then. Until, I mentioned my history with infertility, IVF and FET. That's when the biopsy became my only option. 

As if the hell of infertility and the roller coaster of treatment isn't awful enough on its own, there is this whole non-baby related list of potential health issues that affect us and may continue to do so for the rest of our lives. Not that the doctor was particularly alarmed by my IVF history. She still thinks it's a fibroadenoma and so do I, but the fact remains that the effects of fertility drugs on breast cancer rates have still only been through a handful of studies. And as is usually the case, there is plenty of conflicting information. Some studies say there is no increased risk. Others say that there is, but only for younger women. (I was only 27 for both my IVF and FET cycles.) Add to that to wide diversity of treatment fertility patients receive, and I am not willing to take the summarized version of one breast cancer survey on CNN.com as proof that the countless vials of estrogen I have injected directly into my backside plays no role in my future health. So I am having the biopsy. 

Tomorrow I will walk into the office in my cute, blue, loose-fitting button up, have a large, hollow needle plunged into my breast and walk out flattened down by bulky "pressure wrap" wrapped around my chest for 48 hours. This coupled with the fact that I can't exercise or shower for those 2 days, nor can I wear deodorant or perfume to my appointment, worries me more than getting back my results next week. Or so I keep telling myself. Because no matter much I hold on to that teenage dream of "it could never happen to me" or how sure I am that this lump is just like the last one, there is always that nagging doubt in the back of mind. That thought the my grandmother wasn't exactly old when she had to have both breasts removed due to cancer. The knowledge that estrogen is the hormone most connected to increased risk and I have artificially increased my levels of it more than once (and might do it again). The images of pink ribbons and awareness posters. These things creep into my mind just when I have convinced myself that there is nothing to worry about. And the truth is, I really do believe there is nothing to worry about. This time. But I can't help but think, given my history, that it is only a matter of time before it's not "nothing". Which is why I will keep doing those occasionally remembered exams, and showing up for mammogram and biopsy appointments well before menopause dictates that I must. And I will be holding my breath just the tiniest bit when my phone rings next week, until I hear the word "benign".
 

Your Story Matters...And Mine Does Too

Not too long ago I wrote a piece about how infertility and it's methods of treatment are seen by many as a failure. If you can't have children "naturally", you have somehow failed and utilizing IVF or adoption in order to become a parent is implied to be some sort of consolation prize. It's even worse if you decide to resolve your infertility by living life child-free. I have long-believed that this is simply not true and despite how difficult and heartbreaking infertility can be, it doesn't mean that we have failed in any way. In my article and related blog post, I specifically discussed the sentiment that my needing IVF and FET to have a child is some sort of undesirable extreme to be pitied. I just don't feel that way and I wanted to write a piece that expressed how proud I am of what I have experienced. Like all of my writing it was from the heart and based solely on my own experiences. (you can find the post I'm referring to here)

I was proud of that piece and the impact it had on those that chose to share their thoughts with me. It is no secret that my favorite part of blogging my infertility journey has been the experience of being a part of the online infertile community. I have spent years praising the loving, supportive people I have met here and I still have unending gratitude to all of you for keeping me from going off the deep end. The infertility community I found online has been my safe place, the place where I can share my thoughts and feelings on this struggle and be understood and treated with compassion. But now that I am a mom, some of that has started to change. 

The piece I brought up earlier is one of my most emotional and complex. I put myself out there but I felt safe doing it because I trusted that the IF community would respond with love and understanding. Which is why when I witnessed passive aggressive feedback through a third party, implying that my struggle was too easy I was completely floored. It seems that my voice on the issue matters a little bit less to some because IVF worked for me and it doesn't work for everyone or because I was able to find a way to finance my treatment while there are many who are unable to do so. So basically, I am not "infertile enough" now that I am a mother. Last time I checked, infertility wasn't a contest with the biggest winner being the one who has endured the most pain. Since I *only* endured 3 years of heartbreaking infertility, one IVF, one miscarriage, one FET before becoming a mother does that mean my feelings are less significant than someone that has been struggling 10 years or someone that has had several losses? Would my experiences matter more if I had undergone a dozen ART procedures before becoming a parent? Or does being a parent at all, no matter how long and arduous the journey to get here, preclude me from ever again identifying as infertile and having feelings on the matter?

I always try to include many other possible paths through infertility in my writing, but having only experienced my own path and no one else's, I focus on IVF and FET as that is what my story entails. I do my best to be considerate and inclusive toward others' experiences but in the end I can only understand so much of what someone else has been or is currently going through and I have never claimed to know what it's like to live anyone's story but my own. The best I can do is be here for you, to let you know I care and allow you to be heard. When you experience victories, I will cheer with you and when you encounter heartbreak, I will mourn with you. We don't have to have the same experiences, or the same opinions or even the same emotions for me to care about you, to see your journey as worth caring about, your story as worth hearing. Isn't that what this community should always be? We all face enough thoughtlessness in the world without hoisting it on each other. 

I know it's hard sometimes encountering any parent, whether they are infertile or not. People with kids are who we want to be and sometimes seeing them, hearing what they have to say, is a painful reminder that we are not one of them. I know, I felt that way too. So if you need to turn away from my blog, my story, my journey because it hurts a little too much. I understand. I don't blame you for doing what you need to do to protect your heart. But if you do encounter me now and then, please remember to be kind. Just because I have a child, it does not mean my wounds are healed. Even if they were, nether of us benefit from judging the other or minimizing and discounting each other. My story matters and so does yours.

I'm Not A Failure, Just Infertile

This is a post that has been a long time coming. I have been crafting it in my head and with little notes I've jotted to myself since July. I don't know why it took me so long to actually sit down to write it or why I decided that now was the time to do it, but now that I have the thoughts in my head have exploded and I think I might need to break this up into a few different posts. So here's part one.

I am infertile. I always will be. As such, I have heard a seemingly never ending list of cliches and supposed words of wisdom that I am sure almost every other woman and man in the IF community has rolled their eyes at a million times as well. You know what I'm talking about. The nausea inducing questions about whether you've tried this or that old wives tale, the insistence that you should "just" adopt, and the ever popular, make you want to punch someone "just relax". We've all written or read some amazing posts and articles about just how crushing these words can be, along with some incredible "what to say, what not say" guides. I've been blown away by how perfectly some of my fellow IF bloggers have opined on these well intentioned but ignorant statements and attitudes so I won't re-hash too much of what you have all read or written yourselves but now that I am an IF mom, I've realized I have a few new things to add too.

When Eliana was about 3 months old, a friend of ours gave birth to her naturally, effortlessly conceived healthy baby boy. Chad and I were excited to meet up with another couple, mutual friends, to visit the new parents and meet the little guy. I of course, carried my infertility PTSD with me through it all and felt twinges of IF emotions but mostly, we were all happy for them. Chad and I were also reaching out to the other friends we met up with, who we knew had recently been TTC without success. After oohing and ahhing over the sweet little guy, the four of us went to dinner and talked more in depth about their situation: what they had done so far and what was on the horizon. Mostly, they had just been do what married people do without protection for a little under a year. They hadn't yet reached the point of temping, charting or OPKs and still had to make an appointment to discuss these things as well as fertility testing with their doctor. So we gladly served as their information resource. Explaining how the ovulation cycle works, when to time BDing (wow it's been forever since I called it that! Thanks, IVF!) as well as what to expect as far as testing and the treatment options.

I felt good during this conversation. It was nice to have all those years of reading, googling, tweeting, researching and of course living it first hand benefit someone else. They were very appreciative of how open and willing we were to answer all of their questions. But then they said something I would've never expected to feel a reaction to, especially not the one I had. As I was explaining the treatments and the typical progression that takes place if one doesn't work, they stopped and said that they hope it never comes to IVF because they don't think they could go through all that. If it got "that bad" they don't know what they would do. I said I understood and hoped they'd have success without it as well, and I meant it. But inside I also felt incredibly defensive. I wanted to stand up and defend IVF, tell them it really isn't as bad as they think it is. That in some ways it's actually pretty great. That I couldn't imagine my life without that experience and even if I could go back and change it, I wouldn't. That I wouldn't have it any other way. After all it's thanks to IVF/FET that I am a mother today.

If I try really hard I can remember what it was like to be in their shoes, before the reality of infertility changed my life. I remember when I still believed that getting pregnant was just going to take a little longer than I thought and require just a little bit better timing. I never believed it would come to something as big and real as IVF. In my mind I wasn't truly infertile, just having a more challenging time than some people. One day I would realize I was "late" and poas and plan some sneaky cute way to surprise my husband with the good news that he was going to be a daddy. The "how I found out" story among new moms is a lot like the "how he proposed" story among new brides, and I always feel a little stab of sadness and jealousy when those stories are being swapped, especially when it's my turn and my story is met with with obvious discomfort from people who were expecting cute, light romantic stories. I have a great proposal story and I just expected that I'd have a fairy tale "finding out" story too, but the months came and went and no good news ever come with them. Things slowly got more serious. We read more, took temperatures, changed our diets, saw doctors, did tests, timed, took pills and hoped. Then finally after years of slowly turning up the heat and our stress levels we were faced with the reality and the news that IVF was our only hope.

That day was devastating. We cried and mourned the loss of conceiving a child the way we always dreamed we would. It's often hard for most people to understand but there is a such loss there and I still feel it with every "naturally" conceived pregnancy announcement. (something I thankfully know from other IF parents, is totally normal). It was crushing to know that my body couldn't do something I had always just assumed it would. I felt betrayed by body, like less of woman for being unable to do what it was designed to do. And I couldn't believe I was really here, really in this place. The end of line in options to have a biological child.

But the next day, we dried our tears and went about making our decisions about what to do next, and as you know, we decided that IVF was the right choice for us. And as soon as the decision was made and the process began, there was surprisingly a great deal of stress lifted off our shoulders. We had been timing and monitoring everything ourselves, every month for ages. Everything was timed and we often did things we felt too tired for because it was the OPK smiley face day and we thought we "had" to. Now, we had someone else doing all of that monitoring for us and we could do what we wanted, when we wanted, or not at all if we chose Sure, there were blood draws, and wandy visits and needles, lots and lots of needles. It certainly wasn't easy. But it felt like we were finally doing something other than wandering blindly through TTC hoping for success. There were tangible progressions, follicle counts and hormone levels to hold on to. And although I was terrified it wouldn't work, I knew that if it didn't and we reached the end of that road too, we would take the time to mourn the loss and then pursue adoption. We had already been certified for the foster to adopt program in our county and knew who to contact when we felt ready. I still had a long journey of head of me either way but I finally felt that I knew where I was going, and all roads led to motherhood.

I was one of the lucky ones it worked for. Although my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I am still blessed to have my precious daughter here through the wonders of frozen embryo transfer. It wasn't an easy road but it was a worthwhile one. And not only did the technology of IVF & FET make my dream of motherhood come true, it forced me to grow, to expand. I know so much more about the way my body works, about how conception and pregnancy really happen. And needless to say, I have met some of the most incredible people along the way. I will still always be a little wistful that I ever had to go through that growth, to learn everything I did. Ignorance is bliss in so many ways, and I am still a bit jealous of women who don't even know what a luteal phase is let alone how long theirs is. But now that I do know these things, I couldn't dream of turning back. As challenging as this road has been and although it will always be more demanding and more emotional I am forever grateful for how it has changed me and what it has given me.

There is an unspoken implication that IVF is a last resort to becoming a parent, as if you have failed if this where you end up. I have seen it on people's faces and heard it in their voices over and over again. It is evident in their carefully chosen words about how they imagine having to do something "like that". And every time I quietly speak up on the side of IVF and all ART as well as the choices to adopt or live child free. There is too much negativity, too much stigma attached to each of these choices and too much assumption about what leads people to them. There is too much fear and shame. Of course, I'd love to make infertility vanish so that no one ever has to know the pain and anguish of not being able to have a child, so that these choices never have to be faced by anyone who wants to be a parent. But as much as I wish it, I can't change mine or anyone's infertility but I can speak up. I am proud of my experiences, I am grateful for what I endured. I am not ashamed of how my daughter was conceived and I will always make sure that she and the rest of the world knows it.

Double Digits Make Me Sappy

To My Precious Ellie Belly,

I can't believe that you're 10 months old already and the 1st anniversary of your birth is so quickly approaching. In so many ways it feels like only a moment ago that your daddy and I were still clinging to hope and each other in the midst of the pain and challenges in our journey to become parents. That time in my life is always still right there, reminding me of just how amazing and blessed my life is now that you're in it. As real as the pain of life before you will always be, the reality of life with you is something I can't imagine I ever existed without.

It's only been 10 months but you have grown and changed so much since you were born and I am already so proud of the person you are. You are so sweet and loving, always happy to share a smile with a stranger or giggle with a new friend, and you seem to make new friends everywhere you go. I've never seen such a happy, friendly baby. The world really is your play place and your squeals of excitement are music to me.

And speaking of music, you are quite the music lover and have been since day one. You dance and bounce to any rhythm you hear, finding music in the everyday sounds of crinkling paper or a trash can being dragged over a bumpy walkway. And the more you learn to do with your voice, the more I've heard you sing. In your crib after a nap, in your car seat running errands or anytime you're in need of entertainment, you love nothing more than to sing to yourself and even when I can't see you, I can hear the smile in your voice.

Of course, being the vocal baby you are, happiness isn't the only reason you like to raise your voice. Yes, you may scream to get what you want but you know what you want and you are very quickly learning to sign to get your way. I love seeing your face light up with excitement and pride when you perform the sign for "more" and realize that a fresh serving of kiwi is front of you.

You're also developing a love of books and reading that I am quite proud of and hope stays with you for life. You will drop everything to sit in my lap for ages when you hear or see the word "book". You are a great page turner and flap lifter. Your favorite book is still "Goodnight Moon" and you demand the switch to that one if I read anything else at bedtime. You know it so well that when playing with a copy, a friend caught you turning the upside down book right side up before flipping through the pages all on your own.

Each day brings new challenges, new joys and even more love than the day before. Not long ago someone said they would never do what I did to become a parent, that they would never go through the challenges and rigors of IVF in order to have a child. I fully respect that opinion and I know that the path your dad and I chose is not for everyone, but I would do it again and again if it means I get to be your mom. You are my miracle and these past 10 months have been the happiest of my life. Although I am in no hurry for you to grow up, I look forward to enjoying each new day, month and year of life with you. I love you, Snow Pea.

Love, Mommy

The Write Stuff?

I never know how to start new blog posts. Why is it that those first few sentences of anything you're writing are always the hardest to get out? You usually know what you want to say, what point you want to make, what emotions you hope to convey, but getting them started is always the tricky part, at least for me anyway.

Tonight, what I am trying to get out on my blog is that I need help, input actually. Recently I learned about an essay contest sponsored by Ferring Fertility, a company that manufactures a few of the medications commonly used in IVF treatments. Two of which were used in my IVF protocol, the treatment that ultimately made my dream of motherhood a reality. Which qualifies me to enter an essay about my experiences for a chance to win $10,000 in educational funds for Snow Pea's future education. I am so excited about the opportunity! Especially since any college fund we could have had for her was spent on the treatments to get her here before she was even conceived.But first I have to actually write the essay. Which is where the help and input I need from you comes in.

I had a hard enough time starting this blog post. Now trying to begin an essay on the topic "If I Knew Then What I Know Now" I feel much the way I do starting a new blog entry. I know I have a plenty to offer on the topic, I just don't know where to start. I have been browsing through my old blog posts tonight, knowing that the key most likely lies in the moments as I lived them, but it is also hard to separate myself and I find myself reliving those moments, crying as I re-read and re-experience each emotion. So I wanted to ask those of you who have been reading or have just read a post here and there even, are there any that have stuck out? Anything that I have written throughout this journey that struck a chord with you and gave you hope? Or anything that has just fallen flat and left you confused? Please don't hesitate to be honest and give any constructive criticism you may have. I promise to respect and value any true (non-troll) opinion.

Here is the website for the contest if you'd like to learn more about it or even enter yourself, http://www.ferringfertility.com/mylittlemiracle/. And if you do enter let me know, I would love to cheer you on! There are 3 different prizes so there's no reason we can't both win, and even if I am not one of the 3 winners, I am already thrilled for every family that wins this prize because I know that for everyone entering and especially for me, the scholarship money doesn't hold a candle to the true treasure that is our incredibly amazing miracle babies. But that doesn't mean winning wouldn't be great. So with a deadline less than a month away, I really need to get started! Thanks in advance for any help or support you can give!

Am I Doing This Right?

Why is it that I can never stop thinking there is a right and wrong way to do everything? Really when I stop and think about it, there really are very few things in this world that have only one "correct" method but somehow I always find myself worrying that my methods and choices are somehow incorrect. . Two plus two equals four is correct and two plus two equals five is obviously incorrect, math is like that. But just about everything dealing with how to live our lives really doesn't have a right or a wrong, just a my way and your way.

Back when I was TTC naturally the fear I was doing it "wrong" was huge. You start out thinking there is no way you could do this wrong. I mean, you just do, you know "it", and nine months later you become a parent. When that didn't happen I worried about what I was doing wrong. Maybe the days weren't right, or the times of day or the amount or what I was eating. As I fell further down the TTC rabbit hole, I worried that I was charting incorrectly or not interpreting my CM the right way, Then during IVF and FET I obsessed over the "correct" amount of time to be on bed rest and whether to eat pineapple or not.

Pregnancy wasn't too much better when it came to the "Am I doing this wrong?" game. OB or midwife? Birthing Center or hospital? Which one was the "correct" choice. And if that was bad, it is nothing compared to the everyday decisions of parenting and feeling like somehow there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way. I know I shouldn't, but I continually worry I am not doing it right. I love my daughter and I shower with her love every single day and I know that's the most important thing, but when should I be introducing solids? She's 5 months old tomorrow and I have moms insisting to me I should have started a month ago and that she'll be behind and yet others who swear that you have to wait until 6 months. And naps! She naps multiple times a day, sometimes 2, usually 3 and sometimes for 45 mintutes, sometimes 2 hours. She sleeps through the night but sometimes wakes up in the middle to eat and sometimes doesn't. And I keep hearing about what a baby my age should be doing as far as sleep and routine. We have a routine but it's a very flexible one, and sometimes I feel like that in itself is somehow viewed as wrong.

Intellectually, I know that none of that is true. Yes, there are some very basic guidelines about providing for my daughter's needs but so much of what people tout as the "correct" way to do things are really just their opinions. I know this but I still have to stop and remind myself constantly that what we do in our household works for our family and that's what really matters. Yes, Eliana might be taking a 30 minute nap today at 9am and then a hour long nap the next at 9:30. Some nights she wakes me up at 1am to eat, others she sleeps right through. No two days are alike, but that that works for us. If I am happy, Chad is happy and our daughter is healthy and happy, we aren't doing it wrong no matter what the moms on the playground or the parenting magazines say.

It is easy however to fall prey to doubt and fear of getting it wrong when so much is on the line. During TTC and IVF the obvious fear was that if I missed a crucial day of BDing or took myself off of bed rest too soon, I would never become a mom. Now that I finally am one, the fear is that if I go in to comfort my Snow Pea too often when she is going to sleep or start her on rice cereal too early, I will be starting a chain reaction of problems and issues for her as an adult. And of course you can find a scientific study or firsthand experience to back up the claims of every side of an issue. For every mom who swears her baby slept through the night as soon as she started solids, there's another that insists her child became so constipated that he was awake all night crying in discomfort. Just further proving that in so many situations there is no right or wrong, just what works for you and what doesn't.

It isn't even the world around me that tells me I am doing it wrong so much as it is me. I have crazy standards and expectations for myself sometimes, and if you know me, you know I can be insanely hard on myself. I sometimes try so hard to get everything right and beat myself up when I don't, that I can miss seeing how great everything is, in spite of or even because of, its "wrongness". So I plan to keep doing what's working, what makes me and my family happy. Because that in itself means I'm doing something right.

Holy Moly, Roly Poly!

There have been a few claims in recent years suggesting that babies conceived through IVF have slightly lower birth weights. A few people I know with IVF or FET babies had an extra ultrasound in their third trimesters specifically to check on growth and development. Snow Pea, however, apparently never got the smaller size memo because according to her size check last week, she is huge!

Last Tuesday, I was 35 weeks pregnant and right on target in every way possible. My fundal measurements were dead on, my weight was exactly where it should be and Snow Pea was positioned just where she should be (firmly on top of my bladder). I was relaxed and prepared for a simple end to our routine check in. Then Dr. Casual dropped the bomb. He measured Snow Pea's head, stomach and femur on ultrasound which estimated that my baby was weighing in at 6 pounds 13 ounces! That's very nearly 7 pounds! With 5 weeks to go and an estimated half pound of growth each week, that is one big baby! To say I was surprised and a bit freaked out is putting it lightly.

Dr. Casual of course didn't seem overly concerned, but I could tell he was bit surprised too and he kept mentioning that if she were to be born early, she wouldn't be larger than average at birth. He also reviewed our birth plan and specifically let us know that although I am 37 weeks pregnant, if I were to go into labor at this point, he wouldn't intervene to stop it. He didn't say it outright but both Chad and I could tell he was hoping for labor to start sooner rather than later. He also repeated more than once that he would keep a close eye on her growth in the coming weeks. I just cannot believe this baby could be so big! At 35 weeks the typical fetal weight is about 5 pounds 4 ounces, which means Snow Pea is a full pound and a half bigger than average! The doctor did let me know that these measurements can be off by about 10%, but even subtracting 10% from her estimate would still have her larger than normal.

As we scheduled our next appointment, the nurse at the counter commented that she'd see us next week, if I make it that long anyway. After some nervous laughter, Chad and I rushed home and made sure the hospital bag was packed and ready. Not that we thought things would start immediately, but our doctor's visit made us realize just how close that trip to hospital really is, especially if Snow Pea keeps growing at this rate.

Being the research obsessed person that I am, I have since spent all week trying to learn all I can about the accuracy of ultrasound for predicting fetal weight with very mixed results. I consulted friends, family, message boards, and research studies and they have all ranged in answers from very accurate to not even close. I also spent some time looking into what causes some babies to be bigger than others. Genetics is one of the biggest factors, but genetically I am relatively average, borderline small and my birth weight was only one ounce more than Snow Pea's current estimate, and I was born nearly two weeks late! The other factors are gestational diabetes, which I do not have, and excessive weight gain which I also do not have. I have also heard from just about everyone I have seen that I am carrying small for 8 months pregnant. So why the big baby? If any of you have had ultrasounds to estimate your baby's size before birth, please feel free to share your experiences with their accuracy or anything else I should know.

Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy or disappointed in any way about this news, sure there are a few cute newborn outfits that may be too snug for her, but overall the great news is that my baby is thriving and healthy. I am just surprised, and honestly a teeny bit nervous about whether this will make labor and/or delivery more difficult. I also want to do everything I can to avoid a c-section and I know many doctors and hospitals are more prone to performing them if they suspect that the baby is large. I'm 36 weeks pregnant now, and I go back to see Dr. Casual tomorrow. Hopefully we will get a better idea of what is happening in terms of development. I am also planning to ask about a cervical check to see whether anything has started happening. The exciting side of this is that it does increase the chances that I will be holding Snow Pea in my arms before the month is over! Both Chad and I are crossing our fingers for that to be the case. Our bags are packed, the nursery is just about finished and we are as ready as anyone possibly can be before their whole lives are completely changed forever. Now we just have to wait patiently until Snow Pea is ready to come along and make that change happen.



You may have noticed that I mentioned the nursery is just about finished, so yes, that does mean pictures will be coming soon. Also, I have baby shower pics on the way. Stay tuned...

Infertility Gratitude

I'm tired, my back is killing me, my rib cage feels like it will burst at any second, and don't even get me started on how swollen my feet are. As I enter the final 6 weeks (!!!) of pregnancy, I can almost understand why I have heard so many pregnant women exclaim that they can't wait for it to be over. I know I am truly excited to meet my daughter and become a mommy, but despite all of the aches and pains I can't say that I am ready for it to be over yet. Not only do I still have a TON to do, I still absolutely love being pregnant! And oddly enough, I think I have infertility to thank for that.

At the beginning of this pregnancy, I had a hard time accepting it was really happening and allowing myself to celebrate. After 3 years of infertility and a miscarriage, my heart was very guarded and afraid. To be honest, it goes even deeper than that because so much of what I have experienced has changed me forever and I will always be a different person than I was before infertility, IVF, and miscarriage became a reality in my life. The good news is I like the person I am now, despite the scars, and I did finally begin to allow myself to enjoy my pregnancy, although I have stayed slightly guarded the entire time.

Some of the biggest things that helped me to accept and enjoy being pregnant were the very things I hear so many other non-fertility challenged women complain about. My first bout of gag-inducing, sitting in the bathroom all day, horrendous nausea was cause for extreme celebration! I happily texted and tweeted the world that I had almost lost my lunch. And although, I couldn't get my to-do list done to save my life, I was incredibly thrilled when the first trimester exhaustion took over my life as my sweet baby grew. With each new symptom came new reasons to celebrate. They have continually reminded me that my pregnancy is healthy and that my daughter is thriving.

My heartburn and leg cramps, while painful, have also allowed to have a little glimpse of what it would be like to be a "regular" pregnant woman. Granted, my pregnancy IS completely and totally normal. How I conceived has absolutely no effect whatsoever on how my pregnancy actually develops, but the world doesn't always know that. Many people assume I am high risk because of the fertility drugs or the FET itself, but the truth is my body and the medical community see my pregnancy as if it had begun the old-fashioned way. But even though I know that to be true, with everything I have gone through to be here and everything I know as a result, I very seldom feel "regular".

I can't imagine what it would feel like to be one of the blissfully unaware. One of those ladies that chucks her birth control and just lets nature take its course, and then have that actually work without any additional knowledge or intervention. How amazing it must be to experience pregnancy without all the worries and baggage that come along with surviving infertility, or to be able to share every teeny milestone and ultrasound picture without infertility survivor's guilt, or to have extra money to start your child's college fund instead of paying back IVF induced debt. I wonder how many of the families who experience a struggle-free road to pregnancy know how lucky they are. I also wonder if those who have never experienced loss know it too. What I wonder most though is what kind of pregnant woman I would have been if had never gone through what I did. Would I rejoice over back pain? Or would I be on Facebook complaining about my sore muscles at every opportunity?

I am in no way trying to attack or criticize anyone who has not dealt with loss or infertility, merely trying to explain how different the experience is for me because I have experienced these things. I think in many ways that what I have gone through to become a parent has been a blessing. My husband and I have developed a closeness and a connection deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I have found a wealth of love and support from friends and family and met new friends that have enriched my life beyond belief. I have learned more and more about the realities of infertility and become a part of the voice for advocacy in the infertile community. I am now proud to be outspoken and educate others on these issues. I have enjoyed every single moment of my pregnancy, even the difficult and painful ones. I also have a feeling that our experiences with infertility will keep Chad and I thankful later when we're dealing with the realities and challenges of parenthood. And even though I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have had an easier road to becoming a mom, I can't imagine my journey any other way, and for that I am grateful.

Wordless Wednesday: Modern Miracle

Letting It Roll Off My Back

In the three years that I have been struggling to conceive I have heard so many comments about relaxing and opinions on how to become a parent that, for the most part, they really have started rolling off my back. I know that these pieces of advice or consolation while sometimes misguided, are almost always meant with the best of intentions. I still do not enjoy hearing them, and I always try to politely explain this position when I can, but these things don't sit rattling away in my brain for hours after I've heard them as they once did.

But there are still some exceptions to the rolling off the back thing. Not that I am angry with anyone, just feeling kind of defeated by what someone said recently and in all fairness to her she is not the first, and will probably not be the last. A friend, in the midst of empathizing with my struggle and recent loss proclaimed that she just knew I would be a mother someday "whether it was my own biological child or not".

Of course, one of the first feelings I have is that even if I do adopt one day, that child will still be "my own". I hate how diminished the relationships of an adopted family seem to be in other people's eyes sometimes and it makes me hurt for all those who have to contend with these views everyday.

But the thing that hurts the most when people say this to me is the implication of failure on my part. I am in no way opposed to the possibility of adoption as a way to expand my family and have seriously considered it even before I knew of my infertility, but no one else really knows that. It is not something I am actively pursing right now, nor is it something I have ever discussed with this friend or many people at all for that matter. Her saying that, when it was completely unprompted and never previously discussed, felt like a small stab into my heart. When someone says that, it's as if they are saying they don't believe I will give birth to a child, that my IVF and FET attempts won't work, especially when it is my IVF attempts being discussed and there is no mention from me of adoption. Or that, the fact that I have had to use these methods at all is some sort of failure. Adoption is not off the table for me, but it is for now. I am focused on my treatments and my frozen embryos right now, my future maybe-babies. And it hurts that they are so easily disregarded.

The other thing about this conversation that hurts is that this friend is dealing with infertility issues of her own. Although, she is nowhere near the point of using ART treatments and may never be, nothing hurts more than a non-comforting statement coming from someone else that is struggling and you feel should better understand. The statement coupled with the fact that she still is able to TTC the old-fashioned way, makes me feel like she sees my path as a loss in itself. I am almost always so proud of my journey, and my future IVF miracle baby, but on days like this I feel like I am wearing a scarlet "I". "I" for infertile, for IVF, for inadequate.

But, as I said earlier she is not the first to say this exact thing, nor will she be the last, so I don't want to pick on her or make it seem that she specifically has upset me. Just as with the other well-meaning offers of advice or support that hurt more than they help, I know that this too is meant to be encouraging. I know that people are just trying to let me know they believe I will be a mother no matter what and that I will be a good one. I just wish they wouldn't bring up issues of biology or other things unless I do it first. I know it sounds silly but I often doubt whether I will EVER be a mom and when someone else tells me they believe that it will work, that my frozen embies will grow and live and become my babies, it gives me strength. I sometimes need to be allowed to feel fear or doubt but I don't want anyone else to join me in my uncertainty. I need the people in my life to be my cheerleaders, to believe wholeheartedly that it WILL work. It's what keeps me going on the days I can't see any hope.

I am trying not to let this get me down, but I have to admit feeling a bit bluer today than yesterday because of it. I was a mommy to a 'biological child', even if it was only for a few short weeks my baby was alive inside me and I feel like that has been made to be unimportant. I am hoping that by getting this out I can get to that same place I've gotten with "just relax" and be able to keep it from affecting me as deeply as it has today, and instead focus on the positive words and support I receive from so many every day.

ICLW: My Story So Far

Well ICLW is here again and so much has happened since the last one I can't believe it. If you are visiting me for the first time I will give you the short version of my story so far. If you are unfamiliar with ICLW, which stands for International Comment Leaving Week, you can find information here.

My husband Chad and I married in March of 2007 and threw out all forms of birth control shortly after, fully expecting that simply "not preventing" would bring us a baby in no time. By the beginning of 2009, we had accepted that was not the case and began seeking medical help and got more serious about "trying" using charts, OPKs, and other tricks of the trade. Finally in the fall of 2009, we had a full work-up completed and learned that I had at least one blocked fallopian tube. My OB put me on Clomid to increase chances of ovulating on my "good side". I responded well each month but never got pregnant. After three months we abandoned the OB in search of an RE who quickly realized that my blocked tubes were worse than originally thought and recommended IVF.

In February of 2010 I began medications for my first IVF cycle and on March 12th I had 21 mature eggs retrieved. 15 of them fertilized naturally and all grew for 5 days to the blastocyst stage. On March 17th I had two blasts transferred and the other 13 were frozen. Then after what felt like the longest and scariest 2ww of my life, I went in for my beta on March 27th. The nurse called within hours to inform me that I was in fact pregnant with an hCG level of 235. It was the one of the most wonderful moments in my life, but the joy was short lived.

My beta rose but did not double for two of the following tests. Finally after an agonizing week of worry, it rose to well above where it should be and my first ultrasound was scheduled. At the appointment I should have been about 6 weeks along, but when my RE looked he could only find small bits of debris in an otherwise empty gestational sac. Another beta, another rise, so another ultrasound just to check again with the hope that there was a late implantation. Another week of worry and waiting. The next ultrasound on April 16th revealed a bigger, but still mostly empty sac and it was officially declared to be an early pregnancy failure and an impending miscarriage. I was told to stop all medications and come back for another beta to see if the numbers began dropping.

I went for the beta yesterday, April 20th, and being back in that office was a hell I could not wait to escape. Everything about being there reminded me of the pain of learning that the pregnancy I had finally achieved after 3 years of struggle was gone. As soon as I got outside I burst into sobs. When the office called me in the afternoon it was to inform me that my beta is still rising. So although we all know it is over, I have to go back this Friday, the 23rd for one more ultrasound. I dread that appointment and the pain of seeing the empty black hole inside my uterus again. This loss is a pain worse than anything I have ever known. I still can't believe that I had finally realized my dream only to have it all taken away. If infertility is unfair and painful, miscarriage in the midst of infertility can be pure torture.

I apologize for not having more messages of hope or optimism. It is just not a place that I have reached yet, the pain is still far too fresh. I promise I am usually a much more upbeat and optimistic person, and as such I find myself feeling guilty for not being more hopeful right now. I think once I get through the physical pregnancy and begin moving toward trying again, that the naturally happy me will begin to return. I do plan to go forward with a frozen embryo transfer once my body is ready so if you stick around there will be signs of hope and life again soon. My story is not over yet and I am not ready to give up on becoming a mom.

Thank you for stopping by, please feel free to poke around at my past posts and leave comments letting me know more about yourself. I hope to get to know even more wonderful bloggers this week and hear more about your stories.

And The Results Are...

BFP!!!!!!

I had my beta at 7:45am. After a very nervous breakfast out with Chad, we got the call at 9:38am in which the the nurse asked if I was sitting down because I was pregnant! Beta levels are approximately 230mIU/hCG and I am going in on Monday to make sure everything is doubling and hopefully schedule an ultrasound to find out if I am growing one or two little sprouts.

I just can't believe it. It doesn't feel real. Don't mind me if I am pinching myself for the next few weeks, it's just too good to be true! Thanks again for all of your continued love and support. I don't think I would've made it here without it!

With A Little Help From My Friends

Well I have survived the wait so far and now I have less than 24 hours left until my pregnancy test. Yes, I am anxious but looking back at the past two months since I started the IVF journey, I am truly amazed that I have come this far without any major emotional meltdowns. And there are many people that deserve credit for that, because I definitely didn't stay sane and hopeful on my own.

My support network has been a huge part of getting me through the past two months. I am very blessed to have an amazing husband, wonderful family, loving in-laws and fantastic friends, all of whom who are always there for me but have been especially supportive during this process, always providing an ear when I needed one and cheering me on. My husband especially deserves credit for always giving me a kiss before giving me an injection, for putting up with the mood swings I had while pumped full of hormones, and for being my partner during this roller coaster ride.

And while my real-life friends and family have always been and will always be there for me, I am also truly amazed and grateful for the friendship and support I have found in the twitter and blog community. I have been moved to tears more than once by the love that I have received from my online friends. I would have lost it many times if had not been for the encouragement of so many of you that not only know what I am going through physically but emotionally as well. I know none of us wanted to end up struggling like we have to create our families and even though it's a difficult journey, I am so glad we don't have to do it alone. I can't tell you what it meant to me to wake up the morning of my egg retrieval and transfer, anxious as all hell, and check my phone to find that so many of you remembered what day it was for me and sent me such kind well wishes. I am grateful for every text, tweet, comment, and DM. I have one twitter friend go so far as to hand make and mail me a good luck card. Seriously, thank you all for being so supportive. I truly value your friendship and can't imagine that I would have survived this without you.

I also must give credit to the Circle+Bloom program for helping me to remain relaxed and calm throughout the IVF process. Circle+Bloom is a mind-body program for fertility and conception, you can find their website here to learn more. A little over a month ago, I began beta testing for a new program that is specifically tailored for IVF/IUI and I must say I am very excited about it. I have in no way been paid or asked to endorse this product but now that I have gone through the full program, which starts with cycle day one and goes through each stage of ART, from stimulation, to retrieval, transfer and the 2ww, I am a believer that it has had plenty to do with keeping me peaceful and optimistic throughout this process. I consider myself very lucky to have been a part of testing this new program and if I don't get the news I am hoping for tomorrow, I will be utilizing it again for my next cycle.

I have to admit that I am pretty anxious knowing that tomorrow is the day I will either get the best news of my life, or the worst. But I know that all of the support I have had through the infertility and IVF journey will still be there for me no matter what the outcome is tomorrow, and that is such a good feeling.

Wordless Wednesday: The Big Question

Only 3 more sleeps...

ICLW: The Long Week Ahead

I want to start by saying welcome to all visitors from ICLW! This is my first ever ICLW, because I am a slacker and missed the sign up deadline for 2 months in a row, but I am very excited to be involved this month and honestly my first ICLW couldn't be during a more crucial week. You see at the end of this week I will learn whether another of my firsts has succeeded: my first IVF cycle. I need all the distractions I can get this week so I am very much looking forward to reading and discovering your blogs and stories.

Of course you can always read through my past blog entries to catch up on my infertility and subsequent IVF journey, but I will give you the short(ish) version here. My husband, Chad, and I married in March 2007(I am actually in the car on the way back from our anniversary trip as I write this) and threw out the birth control shortly after. Like most couples we assumed pregnancy would just happen on it's own and didn't really "try" for quite sometime. It eventually became apparent though that even though we were just "not preventing" something should have happened by now so off we went to the OB/GYN in early 2009. I was given some very basic blood work and instructions to start charting BBT and OPKs. We were in full swing with the "sperm meets egg" plan until a few months later when my husband received a promotion that included a move across the country from Orlando, FL to Orange County, CA, where we live now.

After taking some time to get settled and entertain visiting friends and family, we got serious and had the full fertility work-up including a semen analysis, all the important blood work and an HSG. My blood work and Chad's SA came back great, no problems to speak of, it was my HSG that caused concern. My left tube showed no spillage. So my OB put me on Clomid to hopefully increase chances of ovulation on my right side and sent me on my way to continue trying. We were diligent for three months and never missed my fertile window. Progesterone draws each month confirmed I was ovulating but never getting pregnant. Which meant it was time to seek out an RE.

My RE (unlike the OB) actually reviewed the films from the HSG with us and quickly ascertained that my tubes were much more blocked than originally believed. He broke the news that our only real option for a pregnancy was IVF. We talked about it for a few days and decided to jump right in. For the past month I have dealt with the injections, the dates with the ultrasound wand (wandy), and the anxiety that come with this process and somehow managed to stay sane and even smile the entire time.

A little over a week ago I went in for my egg retrieval, where 21 eggs were collected. Of those, 15 fertilized to become embryos and continued to grow right into the day 5 blastocyst stage. On St Patrick's day, I had 2 blastocysts transferred (which you can see here) and the other 13 were frozen. And now after all that activity there is nothing left to do but wait. I have always dreaded the 2ww but this one definitely feels like it has much higher stakes. My beta blood test to determine pregnancy will be scheduled for sometime this upcoming weekend, so if you come back next week hopefully you will get to hear the good news! Or you can give me some comfort and support at a time when I will definitely need it.

I am planning to stay as busy as possible during this week and hopefully stay sane in the process, which means more blog posts to come and lots of time reading and commenting your blogs! So welcome again ICLWers and thank you in advance for your comments. And thank you so much to my current followers for all of the love and support you have given me and continue to provide. The blog community has been such an amazing source of encouragement and friendship and I am so grateful to be a part of it.

Letting Go Of Living It Up

My transfer is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 11:45am and I couldn't be more excited, or nervous for that matter. I am also still very in awe that this whole process is actually happening and feeling a lot like Alice down the rabbit hole. It is all still so very surreal.

After this procedure I will have an embryo(s) made up of me and Chad inside my body. (we still don't know if we are transferring one or two). Those embryos are alive and growing in the lab and in less than 24 hours at least one of them will be in my womb. Wow! there's a word I haven't used much since being diagnosed infertile, uterus sure but never womb. It feels kinda nice, sort of corny but also more homey than the medical sounding uterus. I mean is that what I will say to my kids? "You grew in mommy's uterus"? Actually I'd probably feel weird saying "womb" too. I will most likely go with the standard "tummy". Whoa, where did this sidetracked rant come from? Sorry about that. Nerves.

Anyway, once my little embie(s) is transferred, I will be operating under the mantra of PUPO, Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. So, since tomorrow I WILL be pregnant, I have been running through the list of pregnancy no-no's and doing as many of them as I can. For the past week or so I have been having wine with dinner, enjoying sushi lunches, going out for a beer on the weekends, eating deli meat sandwiches, sipping fully-caffeinated lattes, taking the hottest showers imaginable and indulging in any of life's other pleasure that should not be had while growing a person. I got my hair cut and most importantly colored (thanks to the wonderful Bonnie and Amy). I went to Disneyland and rode every single ride in the joint, especially the coasters and thrill rides that are not recommended for expectant mothers or people with heart conditions. I have actually wondered if riding space mountain twice played a part in moving my left ovary to where I needed it to be (you can catch up on that story here) Tonight, we are having the good kind of sushi one more time, with wine of course, and then a latte in the morning before the transfer.

Not only has it been fun to live up my last few pre-pregnancy days, it has really helped keep my spirits high while enduring the daily injections and constant bloating. And I truly feel that, while I love sushi and wine, I will love being pregnant even more and I am ready to give these things up until next year. I just can't believe tomorrow is the transfer! No green beer or Guinness for me on St. Patrick's Day, but hopefully the luck of the Irish will be with me and my little embie(s). And the following day is our 3 year wedding anniversary. I can't think of a better anniversary gift than this.

Of course, I am also trying to brace myself for the anxiety of the wait until my beta test to determine if I truly am pregnant, and for the possibility that the test will come back negative, but mostly I am trying to think positive and believe that this really will be the last time I do this stuff for a long time. And now that it is all out of my system, I am just so ready to focus on relaxing and being ready to accept and nurture new life.

Wish Me Luck!

Eggies to Embies- They Grow Up So Fast!

The weekend is winding down and I am realizing what a blog slacker I have been. My wonderful husband was kind of enough to post this update while I was unconscious and having my eggs removed and was even nice enough to allow me to be the one to share the results of said egg retrieval but I waited until now to actually post an update. Bad blogger.

As Chad so kindly reported, I was pretty fearless going into the procedure, but that it must be said how easy that is to do when you're asleep before they even wheel you into the operating room. I remember the anesthesiologist telling me he was putting "the good stuff" into my IV and the next thing I knew he was shaking my shoulder telling me it was time to wake up. And as quick as it felt, I later learned it really was almost that fast. I rested for a bit and got some much needed pain meds for the aching in my abdomen, and then it was time to be on our way. Dr Jedi had been out to let Chad know all had gone well, and they would be calling shortly to let us know how many eggs were retrieved.

My phone rang even before we got home and we got the very exciting news that 21 eggs had been retrieved! The left ovary caused absolutely no problems and he had full access to all of my follicles! Nothing left to do but go home, rest and wait for a call the next morning to tell us the overnight fertilization report.

Early in the process of our IVF journey, Chad and I spent a week talking to our doctor, consulting books and websites and discussing with each other whether or not to utilize intracytoplasmic sperm injection i.e. ICSI, in this cycle. For those that don't know, ICSI is basically the process of directly injecting a single sperm into an egg to cause fertilization. After weighing the pros and cons and taking into account Chad's high motility, we decided against ICSI because we felt that given the choice, we'd prefer the eggs to fertilize more closely to how they would inside my body. But we also knew that we still ran the risk that fertilization would fail. No one knows why but even with healthy sperm and eggs there are times when the embryologist comes in the morning after and finds that fertilization has completely failed. Needless to say, we were a bit anxious for the phone call that would deliver the news of whether such a fate had befallen our 21 little eggies.

Luckily, the call came quickly on Saturday morning and we learned that of the 21 eggs retrieved 15 had fertilized! 15! I was so excited and relieved to hear that number! The nurse told me that this most likely meant we would be doing a day 5 blastocyst transfer on Wednesday, but to be on stand-by for the possibility of a day 3 transfer on Monday. She said they would call me at about 10 o'clock Monday morning with another update.

So we spent the rest of the weekend as if it was just any other weekend. Lunch with friends, afternoon nap, picnic in the park, but really we both know this hasn't been any other weekend. I keep thinking about my embies. I keep wondering how they're doing. If they are growing and how quickly. I wonder how many are boys and how many are girls, which ones have the DNA for my nose and Chad's ears. I already feel so attached, so maternal.

We drove past the center where we know they are last night, and couldn't help but say hi to them as we did so. We told them we hope they are doing well and that we are so excited to know they are there. It is a truly surreal feeling to know my potential children exist, they are dividing and growing and they are doing it outside of body, about 20 miles away as a matter of fact. It makes me feel like I already am pregnant in a way, just not physically. I have loved my child since before we even started trying to concieve, but now that I know embryos exist that are made up of me and Chad, I can't help but feel my heart swell even more. It is truly a miracle to know that we (with the help of a wonderful team of doctors and embryologists) have created life that is part me and part him. It exists in this world and it just blows me away every time I think about it. What blows me away even more is how much I already love them.

bLoG iNFilTrATed! Success!!

Hello all, DH here, reporting LIVE from Newport Beach Surgery Center where our favorite female has just been taken from the PreOP room to surgery where IVF stage 2 (After Stage 1 where I performed nightly needle stabbings) is underway. The hardest part is trying to keep my excitement at bay because in my heart I KNOW this will work, but my head is telling me to keep my pants on and not get ahead of myself. Holly was fearless as they rolled her back and was more concerned with what I was going to get her for lunch after this is all over. She has not eaten since midnight last night. For those of you that don't know, Holly would rather lose a finger rather than go without breakfast. Anyway, this phone isnt the best typer, but I'm sure Holly will update you all after the events of today are complete. TTFN!

Wordless Wednesday: Pulling the Trigger

It's Time! 22 follicles on the left ovary and 13 on the right. Trigger shot tonight at 2:45am. By this time next week I could be pregnant.

Getting Real

Can this really be happening? Ever since I took my first birth control pill last month and made the decision to go forward with IVF, everything has felt very surreal. In my mind I have known what was going on. I have taken pills, received injections, had dates with wandy, had my blood drawn, signed consents, and written a giant check, but somehow it still does not feel completely real. I am now less than a week away from my egg retrieval and in my mind I know that there is a very real possibility that I will be pregnant by next week, but emotionally I just can't seem to grasp that concept. It is all at once so close and still so far away.

Being pregnant has become for me what growing up once was. Like when you were 8 years old and you talked about what you would do when you grew up but really you couldn't truly believe that day would ever come. You were going to be a kid forever because that was all you really knew. The "when I grow up" fantasies were just that, you were never really going to be an adult, you were just going to talk about it. That's I how feel about being pregnant and becoming a mom sometimes. I have been daydreaming and talking about being a mother for so long it has begun to feel exactly the way it felt when I talked about being a famous movie star someday. It was something I could talk about and idealize all I wanted because I knew I would really always be a child, growing up was just too far away to understand. But even though my 8 year old self never really accepted that I would be in my late 20's one day, here I am, so I am having faith that motherhood turns out the same way and I will be looking back on this time of my life one day in a similar way.

I know that whether I feel like this is really happening or not, it is. The slight ache I have in my ovaries lately reminds me that I have lots of potential future babies growing in there. After my RE appointment this morning I know that I have about 18 of them actually, all in great shape and size. Dr. Jedi again commented on my eggs and and exclaimed that I could be an egg donor. Not that I am bragging, I am just relieved that I am responding well to the stims and that so far things are going well. There are still so many other steps that we need to complete and so many things that could still go wrong, so having good eggs is a really a relief. And speaking of relief and things going well I got even more good news today, my left ovary moved! It is now 100% accessible! When I first asked, Dr Jedi admitted that he had momentarily forgotten about it because it was exactly where it was supposed to be! I don't if it was his mind tricks, the super-sizing meds, or all those cartwheels I did this weekend but whatever it was, it worked and I am so thrilled!

As of today, my egg retrieval is most likely scheduled for this Friday and my transfer should happen at the beginning of next week. I am very hopeful and optimistic that this will work. Every day that goes by I feel more and more like it will. But weirdly this does not make the possibility that I will be holding my child in my arms before the year is over seem any more real or any more tangible. It have just wanted this for so long, it is almost impossible to grasp the idea that I could really be so close to getting it. And even though I have clear ideas and dreams of what parenthood will be like I know that, like growing up, the reality will be so much more than I could have ever prepared for or dreamed of. I can't wait for the reality check.