Your Story Matters...And Mine Does Too

Not too long ago I wrote a piece about how infertility and it's methods of treatment are seen by many as a failure. If you can't have children "naturally", you have somehow failed and utilizing IVF or adoption in order to become a parent is implied to be some sort of consolation prize. It's even worse if you decide to resolve your infertility by living life child-free. I have long-believed that this is simply not true and despite how difficult and heartbreaking infertility can be, it doesn't mean that we have failed in any way. In my article and related blog post, I specifically discussed the sentiment that my needing IVF and FET to have a child is some sort of undesirable extreme to be pitied. I just don't feel that way and I wanted to write a piece that expressed how proud I am of what I have experienced. Like all of my writing it was from the heart and based solely on my own experiences. (you can find the post I'm referring to here)

I was proud of that piece and the impact it had on those that chose to share their thoughts with me. It is no secret that my favorite part of blogging my infertility journey has been the experience of being a part of the online infertile community. I have spent years praising the loving, supportive people I have met here and I still have unending gratitude to all of you for keeping me from going off the deep end. The infertility community I found online has been my safe place, the place where I can share my thoughts and feelings on this struggle and be understood and treated with compassion. But now that I am a mom, some of that has started to change. 

The piece I brought up earlier is one of my most emotional and complex. I put myself out there but I felt safe doing it because I trusted that the IF community would respond with love and understanding. Which is why when I witnessed passive aggressive feedback through a third party, implying that my struggle was too easy I was completely floored. It seems that my voice on the issue matters a little bit less to some because IVF worked for me and it doesn't work for everyone or because I was able to find a way to finance my treatment while there are many who are unable to do so. So basically, I am not "infertile enough" now that I am a mother. Last time I checked, infertility wasn't a contest with the biggest winner being the one who has endured the most pain. Since I *only* endured 3 years of heartbreaking infertility, one IVF, one miscarriage, one FET before becoming a mother does that mean my feelings are less significant than someone that has been struggling 10 years or someone that has had several losses? Would my experiences matter more if I had undergone a dozen ART procedures before becoming a parent? Or does being a parent at all, no matter how long and arduous the journey to get here, preclude me from ever again identifying as infertile and having feelings on the matter?

I always try to include many other possible paths through infertility in my writing, but having only experienced my own path and no one else's, I focus on IVF and FET as that is what my story entails. I do my best to be considerate and inclusive toward others' experiences but in the end I can only understand so much of what someone else has been or is currently going through and I have never claimed to know what it's like to live anyone's story but my own. The best I can do is be here for you, to let you know I care and allow you to be heard. When you experience victories, I will cheer with you and when you encounter heartbreak, I will mourn with you. We don't have to have the same experiences, or the same opinions or even the same emotions for me to care about you, to see your journey as worth caring about, your story as worth hearing. Isn't that what this community should always be? We all face enough thoughtlessness in the world without hoisting it on each other. 

I know it's hard sometimes encountering any parent, whether they are infertile or not. People with kids are who we want to be and sometimes seeing them, hearing what they have to say, is a painful reminder that we are not one of them. I know, I felt that way too. So if you need to turn away from my blog, my story, my journey because it hurts a little too much. I understand. I don't blame you for doing what you need to do to protect your heart. But if you do encounter me now and then, please remember to be kind. Just because I have a child, it does not mean my wounds are healed. Even if they were, nether of us benefit from judging the other or minimizing and discounting each other. My story matters and so does yours.

Speaking Out at Fertility Planit 2013

Excited to watch Mommy live at the Fertility Planit Show

This past weekend, I had the honor and pleasure of moderating a panel for the first ever Fertility Planit show in LA. It was a weekend long event and featured discussions by experts on a variety of topics effecting the infertility community such as building an adoptive family, financial planning for ART/adoption, male infertility, egg freezing and storage and letting go of having genetic offspring. I was thrilled to moderate and lead the session titled "The Beginners Guide to Infertility: What to Do When You Want to Get Pregnant But Can't". 

Our panel featured two leading REs and a natural healer/acupuncturist answering questions about what to expect when seeking tests and treatments for fertility. Many of our audience members had never met with an RE so I was very excited to give them the opportunity to have their questions answered and basic concerns addressed before they ever had to step foot into a doctor's office. I remember very clearly how daunting those first visits to my doctor were, not yet having the confidence or understanding of fertility to be able to best advocate for myself. It felt very rewarding to know I was part of an event that was empowering others to take those first steps toward parenthood armed with information and support. It was also very empowering for me to be able to take my own journey with infertility and apply it to an event like this, asking questions, sharing experiences and connecting with others.

In addition to my own panel, I attended sessions on adoption and learned a lot about the process and realities of private, domestic open adoptions as well as sessions on natural medicine and optimizing fertility. I also spent a great deal of time wandering the exhibit hall and meeting the REs, donor agencies, and support agencies that were on hand to share their information with attendees. I even had the opportunity to give feedback to all of the companies that created and delivered my medications for IVF and FET. It felt really good to tell the producer of my estrogen supplement what my experience was with their drug and request that they begin including certain written information on side effects with their medication. I most enjoyed spending time at the RESOLVE booth though, where I had the opportunity to discuss a lot of exciting events and volunteer opportunities coming up later this year. I also got to see my name and face in print when I picked up a copy of the Winter edition of their newsletter where a piece I wrote is featured. (If you would like information on receiving the Resolve newsletter, please click here).

I am so glad I was a part of this event. It was incredible to be participate in a conference dedicated to all things fertility. Much like the RESOLVE Night of Hope in October, it was refreshing to be surrounded by people that were as passionate about the issues surrounding infertility as I am. I was surprised by the number of people that stopped in the hall to tell me a little about their journey and thanked me for sharing mine. I have been blogging for 3 years now but I am still always amazed by the impact my words can have on others. Speaking to some of them refreshed my energy for blogging and I have a few new topics I will be blogging about in the near future. But even more than the charge I got for blogging, the event gave me an even charge to renew my involvement as an infertility advocate. Speaking onstage about infertility, asking the experts questions and being in the presence of so many other advocates and professionals really confirmed for me how much I love this work and want to continue to get involved.

I have some ideas on things I would like present at next year's show but whether these ideas come to fruition or not, I hope to be involved again in whatever way I can. In the meantime, I will be pursuing any opportunity I get to volunteer, speak out and learn more about infertility so that I can best serve this community.


If you're interested in watching my panel or any of the other sessions that were held this weekend, you can watch the videos by clicking here or by visiting http://fertilityplanitshow.com/videos/. My session can be found here.

The Infertility Oscars

This past Tuesday, October 2 was The Resolve Night of Hope in NYC, or as they have been affectionately referred to by some, The Infertility Oscars. After all, The Night of Hope truly is the infertility community's red carpet night. Doctors, advocates, bloggers, drug companies, journalists and therapists all working within and somehow touched by infertility, come together to share hope and honor those who have been making a difference in the community. I was honored enough to be among them and receive the Hope Award for Best Blog. 

Not long after Resolve emailed me to inform me that I had won, I realized I would need to give some sort of acceptance speech. I was equally thrilled and terrified. I don't talk about this much here, but long before infertility became my focus in life, I was a die-hard theater student. I spent all of my childhood, teens and at least half of my college years either in an acting class or onstage in some way. I, like most aspiring actors, have often practiced my academy award thank yous in the mirror. However, having long ago moved on to other passions, I have never thought I would actually be on a brightly lit stage in a pretty dress, thanking my husband for his support in helping me achieve this honor. But now thanks to this blog and the incredible love and support of the infertility community, there I was trying to write my heartfelt and grateful remarks without going over the time limit that would get me cut off by the "wrap it up" music. 

I had drafts of what I would say in my head for weeks. I'd think of a meaningful sentiment randomly throughout the day and make mental notes to include it. Finally the night of the event, I sat in the cab with Chad, furiously re-reading and revising my handwritten remarks. I had covered everything I wanted to say and timed myself enough to know it would stay under the minute and a half I was allotted. The only problem was I couldn't get through my rehearsals without crying. I just meant every word so deeply there was no way I could stop myself from getting choked up. I know it would have been ok to cry but I didn't want it to make me lose myself and prevent me from saying what I needed to say. 

In the end though, it didn't matter. I cried that night many times, but not during my speech. I cried during cocktails while Chad and I were speaking with Jennifer Ludden, NPR Correspondent and Marisa Peñaloza, NPR Producer about the powerful effects of positive journalism covering infertility. I cried during the awards watching the Pampers "Every Little Miracle" ad. (Click and keep a dry eye, I dare you) I cried during dessert speaking with fertility clinic nurses and hearing just how deeply they cared about the work they do and their patients. I teared up during speeches, hugs and in the middle of conversations. It was amazing to be in a room full of people that were simultaneously so professional yet so equally emotional and passionate. I remember so many incredible discussions and heartfelt moments from the night, but I don't have a clue what happened during my speech. 

I walked onstage, thanked my presenter, turned to face the audience, spoke the first 3 words I had written down and completely lost my place. So I just went with it. I said what was in my heart. Since I actually had written my remarks out and practiced them, I felt like I had managed to cover just about everything I wanted to say but in not quite the way I meant to say it. After I walked offstage, I was buzzing with excitement and a bit of confusion. How did that go? What the heck did I say up there, exactly? Did I make a fool of myself? I wasn't entirely sure.

After some reassurance from Chad and fellow bloggers Jen (http://thisismorepersonal.tumblr.com/) and Jay (http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/) that I hadn't mucked the whole thing up, I breathed a sigh of relief and enjoyed the rest of what was a beautiful and incredibly inspiring night. I thought about typing up the speech I had written for you here, but since Chad was wonderful enough to capture it on video, I would rather share with you the speech I gave. 

I again, can't thank this community enough for all it has have given me. And although very few of my friends or family have ever seen my blog, I am incredibly grateful to each and every one of them for the incredible love and support they have shown me and Chad as they have learned about our struggle. I am a lucky girl. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. 

It's a Major Award!

I still can't believe it. I am just so blown away and overjoyed and excited! This is huge! My blog post for this year's National Infertility Awareness Week ( you can find it here) has been awarded RESOLVE's Hope Award for Best Blog! I WON A MAJOR AWARD! A national award from the most important infertility organization in the country. I still haven't recovered from the shock that out of nearly 300 posts this year, mine was nominated as one of five finalists. I read each of the other nominated blog posts and found such incredible women with amazing writing in each. Being included in that group of women in itself just blows me away, but to actually be voted by all of you as the award winner, I'm honored! I'm thrilled! I'm so incredibly grateful!

A little over two years ago I began blogging as an outlet to talk about what I was going through in my quest to be a mom. I had only just begun that journey then. I hadn't been fully diagnosed or begun any sort of treatment. No one in my real life knew what I was going through. It felt too scary, too personal to share. Through this blog I sorted out my feelings as I went through IVF, miscarriage, FET and pregnancy. I have delved into the hopes as well as the anxieties and fears of each of these experiences in a way that I couldn't in "real life". I have also been incredibly fortunate to receive an overwhelming amount of love and support from a community of strong women and men facing struggles similar to my own. And from that support and the self-reflection gained by sharing my experiences, I gained strength- Strength to face each new step of the journey, no matter how frightening or overwhelming. Strength to finally "come out" with my infertility and my loss to anyone and everyone that I know. Strength to speak up and advocate for others in the ALI community, to stand by them and hold their hands as they have done for me.

Becoming a parent shifted my role in this community considerably but I have still always felt that I am very much a part of it, that I still have a voice here, a perspective worthy of contribution. I still care deeply about those still in the trenches and try to do my best to support them through their cycles, losses, adoptions, child-free decisions and everything in between. I have also developed a passion for spreading awareness and an understanding of infertility and involuntary childlessness to those outside our of community and it is with these goals as well as my ongoing need to work through my own emotions on parenting after infertility that I continue to consider myself an infertility blogger. I am so grateful to still be a voice in this community and although many of my parenting posts go unread by those who need that distance, I know that it doesn't change that we are still there for each other, still members of this same undesirable club.

I have never been a superstar blogger. I have a pretty basic (read:boring) design, I can barely keep up with a few posts a month, I only have a handful of regular readers and even fewer comments each time I post. I have always done my best to be honest and thoughtful every time I write, but ultimately I think my blog is a pretty quiet, humble corner of the internet and that's fine by me. Which is why I am still so incredibly blown away and humbled to be awarded with RESOLVE's Hope Award for Best Blog. I just can't thank those of you who voted for me enough. It is truly an honor to be a part of the collective voice of this community. But I am not the only award winner for this years Night of Hope. Please take the time to visit RESOLVE and learn about the other amazing advocates, volunteers and organizations making a difference in the lives of those with infertility by going here:  

http://familybuilding.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=NOH_winners

This blog has given me so much. I always knew it would be an outlet for my emotions, but I never dreamed it would also be a catalyst for so much growth and strength. Thank you so much for every bit of support you all have given me. This award is incredible, I am beyond at excited to receive such a major award, but knowing I have so much love out there from all of you means even more.

What An Honor!

I haven't been the most consistent blogger in the past year. I try to write what's on my mind and in my heart as often as possible and I always have posts written in my head, but somewhere between the thought process and my keyboard I lose focus and it never actually gets written. I never let myself off the hook for National Infertility Awareness Week though, and I always do everything I can to write a post that really means something to me and hopefully to anyone that reads it. Last week, I found out that my blog post for this year's NIAW is one of 5 nominees for RESOLVE's Hope Award for Best Blog!

 I know it sounds cliche, but it really is an honor just to be nominated, especially alongside such amazing bloggers. This is THE blog award within the infertility community and just knowing that my post will be seen as fellow IF bloggers and readers take the time to read posts before voting means so much to me. 

You don't have to vote for me, or anyone for that matter if you don't want to, but please take the time to read all of the incredible posts nominated on this year's theme "Don't Ignore". http://resolve.org/vote

This blog and this community has been such a tremendous source of support and hope for me and this recognition reminds me that I was much as I get from the community, I have the ability to give to it too.

NIAW: Don't Ignore The Baby Steps

April 22- 28, 2012, is National Infertility Awareness Week. It is a time to speak up, to share our journeys and educate others about infertility. A time to increase our advocacy on the issues facing those with infertility. A time to raise the volume on the voice of the infertility community and ensure that we are not forgotten or ignored. 

All over the country so many of us have participated in NIAW by organizing and participating in fundraisers, sharing infertility information online and writing blog posts dedicated to raising awareness. For many, NIAW also marks their "coming out" as many of us choose this week to open up about our private struggles and share with our friends and family what we have been up against. I myself, shared my journey publicly for the first time during NIAW just two years ago. It is an inspirational week and the advocacy and awareness that takes place is incredible. There are so many big things happening this week and it's important to talk about them, to share them and cheer for them. But in doing so we must be sure not to ignore the smaller steps being taken as well.

You may not know this from reading my blog, which is focused on my personal journey rather than the broad scope of infertility, but I am passionate about advocacy and I very often feel guilty for not doing enough. I feel guilty for not fundraising, for not blogging enough, for not writing enough letters to my politicians, for not networking and supporting the community as much as I want to. Maybe you feel this way too. Maybe you haven't donated or written a blog post this week. Maybe you don't feel ready to publicly share your journey on Facebook or open yourself up to family and friends. Maybe you had never even heard of NIAW until now. But that doesn't mean you can't get involved in whatever way you are comfortable with, no matter how big or small. Don't ignore that even the smallest of actions can have a big impact. 

Advocacy can often feel like embarking on a perilous climb up a steep mountain. The goal often feels insurmountably high and the steps to get there immeasurably large. It is often intimidating to even think about facing that huge hurdle, but don't ignore the baby steps. Don't ignore that donating just one dollar to an organization like RESOLVE can provide vital funding to a program that supports the 7.3 million women and men in this country dealing with infertility. Don't ignore that sharing just one simple fact about infertility can open someone's eyes to the reality of the disease. Don't ignore that just one phone call to your local representative can impact public policy that affects family building options. Don't ignore that even an anonymous blog post can comfort someone who thought they were alone with their struggle and can also provide you with an emotional outlet in the process. Don't ignore the possibility that someone close to you is suffering in silence and by sharing your journey, you may both find solace. Don't ignore that even just one kind word to someone who feels alone, one virtual hug to someone who is hurting, one supportive comment to someone who feels lost can make all the difference for them.And don't ignore that the end of NIAW today, doesn't mean the end of opportunities to raise awareness or show your support. Advocacy can be big or small and it can happen every day of the year.

Don't ignore infertility. Don't ignore its effects. And most importantly don't ignore yourself or the positive impact you can have on the infertility community every little step at a time.

For more information about infertility, National Infertility Awareness Week, and ways you can get involved visit:

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

NIAW Don't Ignore Each Other

There is so much educating and activism happening during National Infertility Awareness Week aimed at making sure the voices of the infertility community are heard by those who have not experienced our struggles and that our concerns are not ignored. While this is a very important part of NIAW, it is also a good time for us to take time to reflect on the infertility community as a whole and be sure we are not ignoring any part of it. 

The online infertility community has grown by leaps and bounds since I stumbled upon it nearly three years ago, and with that growth a certain amount of mainstreaming seems to have happened. I am not saying anything against the "traditional" IFer, I myself fall into that category in many instances, but with this year's NIAW theme "don't ignore", I think it is a good opportunity to not only raise awareness within the general public, but among ourselves as well. I have too often heard from IFers who feel left out because their current circumstances don't look like everyone else's. So here some things that both the world around us and the infertility community itself should not ignore:

• Don't ignore that going through IVF, IUI or any form of ART is not what defines infertility. These are methods of attempting to resolve infertility, not the disease itself. Many people will find resolutions without ART but that doesn't make them any less infertile.
• Don't ignore that infertility resolutions are not one size fits all and not every path is for everyone. Likewise, just because there are choices that aren't right for you doesn't mean that it's not the best option for someone else in their journey.
• Don't ignore that choosing adoption is not an indication of "failure" at biological conception. It is a choice that everyone makes for many different reasons and due to their own unique circumstances.
• Don't ignore that choosing to live child-free is just as valid a resolution to infertility as any other and not a worst-case scenario or last resort. Our child-free sisters and brothers are a vital part of this community.
• Don't ignore that secondary infertility is real and it hurts. Having a baby easily the first time does not change that.
• Don't ignore that becoming a parent is not a cure for infertility. Most infertility survivors still struggle with their journey and will face the same as well as new struggles if they choose to attempt to have another child.
• Don't ignore that the ability to get pregnant doesn't mean someone is fertile. Losing a child or a pregnancy leaves people with the devastating hurt of infertility in addition to the loss of their child. 
• Don't ignore the many men struggling with infertility that need our support too.
• Don't ignore that non-traditional parents face infertility just like every other group and being young, straight or married does not make anyone more deserving of our support than anyone else.
• Don't ignore that the pain of infertility is not a contest. There is no winner for who has been trying longer, who has done more cycles or who has spent more money. We have all been through our own version of hell and we should all be here to support each other regardless of the differences in our experiences and outcomes. 

I know that I am preaching to the choir for the most part, but I still think it is worth taking the time to remind ourselves of these things. It is only natural and expected that we gravitate toward people who's journeys look more like ours, people that can we can relate to and share with when discussing IVF protocols or adoption agencies, but that doesn't mean we don't still have something valuable to offer those whose stories are different from ours and that they don't still want our love and support.


For more information of Infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week visit

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

The Write Stuff?

I never know how to start new blog posts. Why is it that those first few sentences of anything you're writing are always the hardest to get out? You usually know what you want to say, what point you want to make, what emotions you hope to convey, but getting them started is always the tricky part, at least for me anyway.

Tonight, what I am trying to get out on my blog is that I need help, input actually. Recently I learned about an essay contest sponsored by Ferring Fertility, a company that manufactures a few of the medications commonly used in IVF treatments. Two of which were used in my IVF protocol, the treatment that ultimately made my dream of motherhood a reality. Which qualifies me to enter an essay about my experiences for a chance to win $10,000 in educational funds for Snow Pea's future education. I am so excited about the opportunity! Especially since any college fund we could have had for her was spent on the treatments to get her here before she was even conceived.But first I have to actually write the essay. Which is where the help and input I need from you comes in.

I had a hard enough time starting this blog post. Now trying to begin an essay on the topic "If I Knew Then What I Know Now" I feel much the way I do starting a new blog entry. I know I have a plenty to offer on the topic, I just don't know where to start. I have been browsing through my old blog posts tonight, knowing that the key most likely lies in the moments as I lived them, but it is also hard to separate myself and I find myself reliving those moments, crying as I re-read and re-experience each emotion. So I wanted to ask those of you who have been reading or have just read a post here and there even, are there any that have stuck out? Anything that I have written throughout this journey that struck a chord with you and gave you hope? Or anything that has just fallen flat and left you confused? Please don't hesitate to be honest and give any constructive criticism you may have. I promise to respect and value any true (non-troll) opinion.

Here is the website for the contest if you'd like to learn more about it or even enter yourself, http://www.ferringfertility.com/mylittlemiracle/. And if you do enter let me know, I would love to cheer you on! There are 3 different prizes so there's no reason we can't both win, and even if I am not one of the 3 winners, I am already thrilled for every family that wins this prize because I know that for everyone entering and especially for me, the scholarship money doesn't hold a candle to the true treasure that is our incredibly amazing miracle babies. But that doesn't mean winning wouldn't be great. So with a deadline less than a month away, I really need to get started! Thanks in advance for any help or support you can give!

Virtual Hugger

If you and I have chatted online via blog or twitter, there is a very good chance I have given you virtual hugs, lots of them. I am a BIG hugger in real life and as it turns out, I love to hug online as well. So often, I just want to reach through cyberspace and hug my pals, whether it is to show my support and be there for them when they are down or to celebrate with them when they are happy. I know I say it constantly, but I really do care about the people I have met through this journey. I may not have met many of you in real life, but that doesn't mean my love for you isn't real.

So when Krissi at Stress Free Infertility gave me a "Virtual Hugger Award", I wanted to share the love, just like I do with those great big, squishy cyber-hugs I love so much! I have never been one to track my blog's page views or comments but when I used the widget to find out who my top commenters were, I quickly recognized a list of people who have been so supportive to me and have definitely given me many much appreciated virtual hugs (and even a few real life ones from a couple of commenters!) Thank you all so much for being so supportive throughout my journey. And to those that have only commented once or twice, you too have made a huge difference to me during the moments I needed it, and I thank you so much for that!

Virtual Hugger Award Rules:

1. Thank the person who gave it to you (and link back)
2. Give 3 Reasons why you LOVE comments and want them to keep on coming!
3. Award your top 10 commenters and tell them they won the award! (*Most blogger software has widgets/plugins that can figure out who they are!)

OK! I LOVE comments because they:

1. Make me smile!
   
2. Give me much needed love and support
   
3. Help me to meet new friends and their blogs
   

Here are my top 10 commenters:

1. Tiffany from PCOS Success!
   
2. Katie from From IF to When
   
3. Lisa from 3 Cats and A Baby
4. Ashley from Stealing Baby Kisses
   
5. Amy from Miracle Made
   
6. Jody from Growing with the Gimlins
   
7. Holly from Golly-Holly
   
8. T from Inconceivable Journey
   
9. Jen from After The Alter
   
10. Tillie from A Nuttier Life
    

Thank you to all my commenters! And keep on spreading the love and hugs!

NIAW: You Don't Have to Go It Alone

All month long I have been thinking about National Infertility Awareness Week and this year's challenge to bust an infertility myth. There are so many misconceptions and misunderstandings about infertility, what it is and how it effects those who experience it. Since the birth of my daughter 3 weeks ago, what I have been dying to shout from the rooftops is that just because I have my child doesn't mean that I am no longer infertile and it does not mean I longer feel the pain and loss that infertility has caused in my life. I still feel the hurt of those 4 years of heartbreak and the loss of my first pregnancy, not to mention the financial costs of my IVF and FET and the reality that I will need to turn to these procedures again if I ever hope to provide a sibling for my little girl. But beyond my own experiences, I still also feel the pain, anticipation, anxiety, joy and most of all hope for my fellow infertile sisters and brothers because despite myths to the contrary, infertility is not something we have to face alone.

My husband and I, like most couples who are struggling to conceive, felt very alone when our journey began. We didn't tell anyone that we were trying and only began discreetly mentioning anything about our hopes for children when we realized we needed help. At first, we turned to our usual support network of friends and family members. We still consider ourselves very lucky that most of those people responded with love and support. But very often, despite everyone's best efforts, we couldn't find what we needed most: understanding.

At about the time that we began testing and evaluation to find out just why we had spent two years trying to conceive without success, I was introduced to the social networking site "twitter". I had connected with current friends, old high school acquaintances and a few new internet pals. I had enjoyed chatting with these online buddies about pop culture and the quirky happenings in our day to day to lives. But the farther down the rabbit hole I fell into temperature charting, ovulation prediction kits, blood tests and weekly ultrasounds, the more I found myself wanting to talk about these things in 140 characters or less instead of my usual lighthearted chit chat about who should win the latest tv reality dance show. Since I had so many real life friends following my thoughts online, I started a new account just so that I could vent my TTC (trying to conceive) related frustrations and hopes. I made a couple of connections with fellow TTCers and breathed a sigh of relief that I had found an outlet for my thoughts about trying to become a mom.

The group started out small but very close knit. We rallied behind each other and answered each other's questions about charts, testing and fertility procedures. We made jokes about the number of sticks we had all peed on and started a satirical store devoted to holiday ornaments and household items made of all of our BFN (big fat negative) home pregnancy tests. We "met" in private online chat rooms for a virtual happy hour to discuss our trials and support each other in real time. After encouragement in one of these chats, I finally decided to start this blog and here I've found not only the freedom to discuss my feelings in more than 140 characters at a time, I also found even more wonderful people that cared, that supported me and that understood.

When I was officially diagnosed with infertility and told that my only true chance to ever be pregnant was through IVF treatment, the amazing women and men of this online community were there for me in every sense of the word. I could safely laugh or cry as I expressed the full range of hope, despair and every feeling in between that I was experiencing. Although each of us were facing unique diagnoses and our own individual choices about how to move forward, we were there for each other and we understood, we got it. I truly believe that I would have never survived the year of treatment, miscarriage, waiting and yet more treatment that I underwent before having my daughter without the support and love I found in the infertility community. And what's more, I believe that the love and true hope I was given by this community is a big part of the reason my little one is here today.

Last year during NIAW, I did something big. I came out of the infertility closet. Chad and I both shared our struggle and heartbreak with friends and family who previously had no idea we had been trying to start a family, let alone having trouble doing so. The response we received was overwhelming. Not only was the support of the few close friends and family that already knew reaffirmed, but we were blown away by the support we received from others. We also received messages from others that had also been struggling but hadn't been outspoken about it. We felt less alone than we ever had. It was amazing and inspiring.

In the past year I have continued to be outspoken about my journey and reach out to anyone else dealing with infertility in any stage. Just because our experiences are are our own, it doesn't mean we have to face them alone. Just this week I was given an incredible opportunity to help someone on their journey in a concrete way. The other night I logged on to twitter and saw a plea on my timeline for an IVF medication from someone in my local area. A medication I just happened to have left over in my fridge from my own IVF cycle. Chad had actually tried to toss it on more than one occasion but for some reason I never let him. And now I had my reason. I immediately contacted her to let arrange a meeting so that I could give it to her. And of course I will continue to keep in touch with her and send messages of support and hope throughout her cycle, just as this community did for me. And I know I won't be the only one supporting her or the blogger that is recovering from loss or another that is preparing for her adoption homestudy or yet another that is finding peace with living child-free. Because even though each of our journeys are different, we are here for each other. Years ago, I kept my struggle and my pain a secret because I believed that I had to face these things alone, now I know better. Over the past year and a half my own myth has been busted. Infertility is a very personal journey but it does not have to be a lonely one.

For more information about the basics of infertility please visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
And for more information about National Infertility Awareness Week visit http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

I'm Cute!

I've been awarded! Seems like even though I am more and more of a blog slacker, there are still lovely readers that heart my blog and think I'm cute. I am incredibly honored. Thank you so much to First Time Mom at Baby Alexander The Great for reading my blog and honoring me with this award!

Here's the CUTE award!!

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 confessions.
3. Award 7 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

7 Confessions:
1. I had my tongue pierced for my 18th birthday and took it out on my 21st. It was my way of bridging the "adulthood gap"
2. The only other piercing I've ever had is the one standard ear lobe piercing, which I got for my 13th birthday.
3. I still use a handwritten planner and keep it with me religiously. I am lost without it
4. I have a turtle shaped scar on my back as the result of a high school friend that was a true backstabber.
5. The 2nd part of #4 is a lie. I have the scar but it's really from a mole removal when I was a teenager. I just like to come up with more "creative" stories about where it came from
6. My current dream is to finish my master's degree so that I can teach Women's Studies courses at a community college
7. I've cheated on the pregnancy no-no's a time or two and had a bite of sushi for lunch or a teeny bit of wine with dinner- nothing drastic though, I swear!

Award 7 other bloggers:
1. Lisa @ Three Cats and A Baby
2. Lori @ Love, Life and Infertility
3. Becca @ Liberal Granola Girl
4. Rose @ Not There Yet
5. The Gimlins @ Growing With The Gimlins
6. Ally @ Life's A Beach
7. Sunny Mama @ Sunny Day Today Mama

It's the Great Blog Catch Up!

Wow have I been a bad blogger or what? I have never been away for so long and it's definitely not for a lack of things to write about. There is so much to catch up on! But since it's my fault I've been away so long and not yours, I will spare you the long version of the past 3 weeks and instead give you the fun, quick version along with pictures!

As you may remember, October was Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month and having experienced pregnancy loss myself earlier this year as well as having so many close friends who have also miscarried or lost their little ones, it was important to both Chad and I to honor those precious lives. On October 23rd, we participated in the OC Walk to Remember, a 5k walk to take the steps our babies never got to take.We walked for Sprout and for every other Angel baby. We really wanted to support other parents who had suffered a loss, especially our neighbors, who you may remember lost their little girl earlier this year. It made for a special morning to walk side by side with them and remember their beautiful daughter.
Later that same day, I put my pregnant body through even more physical demands and danced "Thriller" as part of the annual event, "Thrill the World", in which people all over the world dance at the same exact time in an effort to set new world records. (here is Thrill The World's website if you want more info on the dance and the event.) I danced last year and had a blast, so I decided to make it an annual tradition. The dance is surprisingly fun and easy to learn. This year I struggled a bit more as this was also the week I started showing and as such had some trouble with some of the moves, especially the ones that require bending at the waist. Nevertheless, I had fun with my zombie pals and can't wait to do it again next year, this time with Snow Pea there to watch!
Of course if that's all just one day's worth of fun news, you know there is plenty more! Just a few days later, Chad and I boarded a plane for the East coast to enjoy almost two full weeks catching up with our family and friends in Florida. It was an amazing trip. We were all over the place but it was worth it to spend time with the people we love, especially our families. My sister in law was a true hero and took Chad and me to Babies R Us to help us register. It would have been SO overwhelming without her help! I even got the opportunity to have lunch with two of my favorite twitter/blog girls, Katie at From IF to When and Erin at Our Heart's Desire. Both of these ladies have been such amazing and supportive friends and it was wonderful to sit and chat with them. Erin even made me and Snow Pea a sweet and beautiful gift, a handmade bib and matching burp cloth.

While we were home, we also got to celebrate Halloween with some of our best friends and as always it was so much fun to dress up! Chad was a mad scientist while Snow Pea and I were his monster creation. It was so amazing to incorporate our sweet miracle into Halloween this year and have a little fun with it.
We had so much fun with our visit, but spending quality time with my mom was at the top of my list and I am so glad we got to share some special moments together this week. She even got to spoil her first grandchild with the first big purchase for the nursery, the bedding set. It was also my mom who inadvertently discovered it for me, in a book she gave as a gift when I arrived to her house. Of course after I fell in love with the design, I found out it was discontinued. But not to be dissuaded, I scoured the internet and found a full set for sale on craigslist there in town!
So now that I have shown you the bedding we selected some of you may be trying to guess Snow Pea's sex based on the design and colors, so I will tell you what we told our family while we were home visiting last week:

Precious Baby Snow Pea has ten tiny fingers and ten little toes,
A perfect little mouth and a sweet baby nose,
There's two arms and two legs, a head, a tummy and ears,
But according to the doctor the picture definitely shows...
That sweet baby Snow Pea does NOT have one of those!

That's right, Snow Pea is a GIRL! I wanted to tell you all right away believe me, but we wanted to be sure to be able to really surprise our families with the news in person so that meant waiting to post anything online until after the reveal. We didn't even tell anyone that we were having an ultrasound, just in case Snow Pea didn't cooperate. Dr Casual was really great when we told him we were going out of town and agreed to get us in the day before our trip. He did a quick check of Snow Pea's little heart and tried to get a peek between the legs. He said our little one was quite the wiggler and I thought he hadn't been able to see what he needed to, but he smiled and assured me that he saw just everything clearly and that this was news we could shop on!

I am already so in love with this little girl. I know I sound like a broken record but I still feel so incredibly blessed to be at this point, sharing this news. There were so many times when I truly believed I may never experience any of these things and I often still can't believe it's real. We have definitely had a wonderful past few weeks and I am grateful for every second.

Tag! I'm It

The wonderful Amy over at Miracle in the Making recently tagged me in her blog! Amy is a PCOS survivor and a very supportive friend. She is also an incredibly talented stylist and recently saved me from the most terrible haircut of my life. (you didn't see this haircut but it was BAD, but thanks to Amy I can go out in public again) Anyway, now that I am tagged I have to answer Amy's questions for me and then come up with my own and tag other bloggers to answer them. So here goes!

1) How has infertility changed you? Wow this is a huge question for me with answers that I could blog about for days, but I will try to stick to the short version. Infertility has changed me in very profound ways. Many of my beliefs about life, the universe and the meaning of these things have been changed permanently. My spirituality has certainly shifted, especially after my miscarriage. There is a part of who I was before my struggle with infertility that I will never get back. I am not the same person I was. But that is not to say that all of the changes I have experienced have been negative. I may not be as naive or idealistic as I once was, but I have become stronger than I ever thought possible. And I am definitely more educated and aware about my body and the realities of trying to start a family. As painful as this journey has been, I know that I have grown and learned a lot because of it and I plan to continue to be a voice for infertility awareness and advocacy.

2) What is your biggest craving right now? CEREAL! I just can't get enough of the stuff these past few months! I swear Snow Pea's new nickname should be Cheerio. It's practically all I eat. Right now there are 6 different boxes in my pantry, all bought a week ago and all almost gone. It started in the early weeks when I was too nauseous to eat much else, but now it's still my favorite go-to food. I have had cereal for dinner on more than one occasion and there was even a day when that was literally the only thing I had for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Oh, also I have to have to fruit whenever possible lately. Getting at least 3 of my food groups right?

3) Who do you look up to and why? This is another question that I could go on and on about. I have a lot of heroes. My mom has always been on top of that list. she is just amazing in every way. I also look up to both my sisters-in-law because they are both such amazing mothers and I hope to continue to pick their brains and learn from them as I begin raising Snow Pea. The person I look up to most though is my husband, Chad. No matter what life has thrown his way, he never gets discouraged or gives up. Throughout every difficult or heartbreaking moment we have experienced on our TTC journey he never stopped believing that good things would happen, that we would be parents. When all I want to do is scream and cry about how unfair it all is, he still has always been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's not just dealing with IF that he does this with. In any adverse situation he has been in, he always believes everything will be ok and then he does what it takes to make that true. For someone like me, who is prone to worry, I admire him and rely his strength more than he knows.

4) How did you and your DH meet? He used to be my boss! It's not as sordid as it sounds though. I started working at a soup & sandwich type cafe while I was in college on the exact same day he got transferred to the location where I was hired. I worked for him for about 4 months before I realized food service was not for me. I told him I planned to quit right after he learned he was being promoted. Once he was positive we wouldn't be working together anymore he invited me to hang out. I thought we were friends for two weeks until he finally worked up the nerve to let me know he liked me! Yes, I am clueless and yes he was so adorably nervous.

5) What was your most embarrassing moment? I never know what to answer for this question. Not to say that I have never done anything embarrassing but I never feel like I have a moment worthy to be the answer to this question. I do have foot-in-the-mouth disorder though and regularly say things that come out all wrong and leave me feeling incredibly embarrassed and apologetic. Like when I was younger and my uncle told me I had grown so much and I said he did too, and he happened to have gained a bit of a belly since I'd last seen him. I truly didn't mean it like that and spent flustered minutes trying to fix what I said. I still do stuff like that. All the time.

Ok so now that I have rambled on and answered these questions, it's my turn to tag some of my fellow bloggers and I am going to totally cheat and tag everyone that reads this post, so if you're reading this your tagged and need to answer my questions!

And they are:

1) What do you look forward to or enjoy most about being a parent?
2) What's something about you that would surprise most people?
3) If you could be any animal what would you be and why?
4) What's the nicest thing someone has done for you?
5) What are you most looking forward to over the next month?

Tag! You're It!

A Versatile Wait

It is only 2 days, 21 hours and 4 minutes until my first ultrasound, not that I'm counting or anything. So, while I am oh so patiently waiting for Monday to get here I wanted to take the time to say thank you to Keiko and Jen for honoring me with the Versatile Blogger Award!

Here is how the Versatile Blogger Award works:

1. Thank and talk about whoever gave you the award.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself.
3. Give this award to 7 other bloggers who you think rock!

Keiko's blog Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed is an amazing and inspirational testament to the power of need for infertility advocacy. If you have not visited her site before, please don't miss her 5 part series on advocacy "Belly Full of Fire" or her award winning "What IF?" video. Jen blogs at This Is More Personal and she has also inspired so many lately by "coming out" and sharing more of herself with the IF community as well as more about her IF with the "real world". Jen will be undergoing her 1st IUI tomorrow so please stop by and wish her lots of luck! Thank you again Keiko and Jen for the lovely award! You both rock!

7 Facts About Me

1. I am notorious for taking forever to order at a restaurant. I can never decide between two things (or sometimes more) I like. If you ever go out to dinner with me, just let be the last at the table to order or I will drive you crazy telling the server "Just one more minute"
2. I have been taking Spanish lessons for a year and while my understanding of grammar has improved my vocabulary still basically sucks. My teacher swears I'm now bilingual but I think she is muy loca!
3. I went to a very small private school as a child, and I mean small- my 4th grade class had 4 students. My parents put me into public school right before middle school though, which I hated but stayed in until graduation.
4. I know how to dance the "Thriller" and have performed it in a flashmob and for Thrill the World to set a world record for largest simultaneous group dance. I plan to dance again this year too!
5. I love to read and have become a library addict this summer, going at least once a week, usually more. My favorite reading experience overall has been the Harry Potter series, and when it ended I was so moved that I immediately wrote an essay on the way the series affected me. (giant nerd alert!)
6. I cannot stand shoes and almost exclusively wear flip flops 365 days a year. I will force my feet into sneakers when I am working out and heels when I need to be professional or dressed up, but I am always out of them and back in my flips as soon as humanly possible.
7. I have naturally thick curly/wavy hair but hardly anyone knows that because I straighten it compulsively.

7 Bloggers That I Pass This Award On To

1. Jen at The Road to Happily Ever After. Jen is tough, supportive and determined. She and her husband have been trying to create a family for four years. After her 6th IUI, she is finally pregnant and one step closer to her happily ever after.
2. Katie at From IF to When. Katie is an amazing writer and blogs about her struggle with infertility with an honesty we can all relate to. She is also an inspiring member of the IF community.
3. Lisa at Waiting Lisa. Lisa is incredibly supportive and brave blogger who writes about her journey to become a mom through domestic adoption. She also writes the most amazing reviews on children's books about adoption.
4. Becca at Liberal Granola Girl's Blog. Becca is a strong and inspiring woman who is currently working toward adopting her sister in laws children, as well as starting her 1st IVF cycle, all while her husband, P, is deployed overseas with the military.
5. Erin at Our Heart's Desire. Erin is a courageous woman and after a heartbreaking miscarriage, and many subsequent hurdles, she has just gotten the green light from her doctor to begin TTC again.
6. Courtney at The Peeks. Courtney and her husband, Jason, have faced indescribable tragedy with the loss of their 3 sons to late term pregnancy loss. They are incredible people and are currently starting a new IVF cycle in hopes of bringing home their rainbow baby very soon.
7. Sharon at Pouring Out My Insides. Sharon is a witty and caring blogger. She and her ovaries have been through a lot and her quest to be a mom has been challenging and emotional as a result.

These ladies, along with so many others, have been an amazing source of support for me, won't you stop by their blogs and support them as well? And as many of you know blogging is not only a great way to support one another, it is also a great way to pass the time when waiting for something. Only 2 days, 20 hours and 28 minutes to go...

Childhood Memories

I have spent so much time in the past few years thinking about my future children. Imagining what they will look like, what their favorite things will be and how they will experience childhood. I have so many wonderful memories of growing up and I always think about the ways in which I can share with my kids all of the amazing things about childhood. For me, growing up was truly magical and I was so incredibly devastated the day I was finally forced to realize that certain things were more alive in my imagination than in reality. It was on that day, when I was about 10 years old, that my mom told me about the magic of parenting. She said that once you have children you get to live all of that wonder and adventure all over again through their eyes and it is even better than the first time. Since then, I have known that being a mom was the most important thing I could do and the thing I have most wanted.

But since I do not yet have children of my own to share and create memories with, I thought I would do a survey I have seen around, and take the time to share some of my childhood with all of you. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to help my children in creating their own wonderful memories.

• Where/when you born? I was born in December 1982 in Key West, FL but grew up in and around Orlando.
• Were you born first, second, etc.? I am the oldest, I have a sister that is 2 years younger than me. We were very close growing up. We played together all the time and used to sing each other to sleep.
• What was your first pet? As a child we only had fish. I remember specifically my favorite fish, Tyson. Then when I was in high school I got Angel, my bunny. He was the most amazing house rabbit ever, litter trained and everything!
• What were you for your first Halloween? I think I was a witch but the first Halloween I really remember was when I was Minnie Mouse. I had a Minnie doll in a green dress that I used to sleep with and I wanted to be her.
• Was there a gift you really wanted for Christmas that you never received? I used to ask Santa for a white kitten with blue eyes, a pink nose and pink ears every year but I all I ever got was a stuffed kitty with the same description.
• Did you have any imaginary friends? According to my mom I had a few, the ones she remembers best are Punky Brewster and Pinocchio. I used to play with them all the time.
• What were your favorite books? I loved all the Golden Books, I had tons of them. I also loved "Goodnight Moon" and "Caps For Sale". The first chapter book I remember reading was "Freckle Juice", I really liked that one.
• What did you wanna be when you grew up? I had a list but mom and actress were always at the top of it. I did a lot of acting in high school and college but now that has faded, motherhood obviously has not.
• Favorite after-school, never-missed shows? I loved Disney afternoon- Ducktales, Darkwing Duck, Gummy Bears, Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers. I also really liked Animaniacs and Tiny Toons. I still know all the songs for those shows!
• What was your favorite toy? hmmm I don't know that I had one. I remember more the made up toys. Specifically, my bathroom sink. I used to use it as a cauldron or science lab, depending on the day, and I would make potions and science experiments. I really wanted a chemistry set as a child but I got a microscope instead. Oh I also loved my bike! I enjoyed being able to roam the neighborhood and search for adventure.
• What was your first best friend's name? My kindergarten best friend was named Stephanie. When I was 10 I met my best friend Coco, and we are still best friends today. It is so amazing to have someone in your life that knew you way back when.
• Broken any bones or had any freaky accidents as a kid? I have never broken a bone but when I was about 12 my friend accidentally hit me in the head with a baseball bat. Luckily, it was a small cut that didn't need stitches.
• Did you play house or pretend to be a super hero? A little of both. I also liked to play office, school, witches and wizards, and cops & robbers. I also used to do plays quoting lines from my favorite movies and things I had picked up from Romeo & Juliet, always forcing my sister to play the supporting roles.
• Were you romantically involved with someone as a pre-teen? I had a couple of "boyfriends" when I was that age but I would always get nervous and avoid them. I had one huge puppy love crush in middle school though and I still have the stuffed bear I named after him.
• Did you get along with your parents growing up? My parents got divorced when I was 13 so it was mostly me, my mom and my sister. My mom and I definitely had some tough moments during my teen years but we got along for the most part and now we are best friends.
• Were you involved in any extra-curricular activities? If so, what? I was in drama club all through high school and I was the morning announcement anchor during a lot of high school as well.
• What was the first record, tape or CD you remember buying? I had a lot of records of kids music and the ones that came inside a book so that you could read along. But the first tape I bought was The New Kids on the Block- yes I still know a lot of those songs too lol
• Did you ever fall in love with someone in high school? Yes, I had a crush on a boy that I never thought would notice me but then one day he did. We dated during my senior year. It was my idea of the quintessential high school relationship.
• Did you enjoy your childhood? I absolutely loved it.