Friday, March 5, 2010
All Of My Eggs From One Basket?
I can't believe it's been over two weeks since I started my IVF injections. It is still in no way my favorite part of the day but I am surviving it. Today is day 6 of stimulation meds and I am starting to really feel those eggies grow! Today I am very aware of my ovaries and I can definitely feel the pressure and bloating everyone always talks about when doing stimulation drugs. I feel like there is a small, hardened balloon in there and it my ovaries feel very heavy. It's also been a lot easier for me to get teary eyed the past few days, but for the most part my moods have been pretty good.
I have noticed this week that the shots on the left side of my stomach hurt A LOT more than on my right. I didn't think much of it at first but after my RE appointment yesterday, I wonder if there is a valid reason my left side stings more. I went in yesterday to meet with wandy for an ultrasound and check on how well my ovaries are responding to the meds. There are 7 follicles on my right side all perfectly shaped and close in size, between 7 and 11mm, exactly what they wanted to see. On my left ovary there are also 7 follicles, although they are a bit smaller- between 5 and 10mm, but they are also very well formed and doing well. My uterine lining looked great as well. I also had my blood drawn and my estrogen levels were 611, which is great for this stage of stims.
But unfortunately it wasn't all good news. My left ovary was in hiding. It took Dr. Jedi a rather uncomfortable minute or two (or 3 or 4) to actually find it and when he finally did he said that it was trapped behind my uterus. This is not good. If my ovary stays in the spot it is in now, there is no way that he can safely get to it during retrieval and all of the eggs on that side will be lost. He did say that as my ovary continues to swell and grow on the stimulation drugs that there is a chance it will get big enough to "burst free" and float up to a more accessible location. As painful as that "bursting free" thing sounds I am hoping with everything I've got that it does just that. I know that the eggs on my other side can still give me the baby I so desperately want, and even a few frozen embryos to create a brother or sister one day, but I really want to be able to have as many chances and as many healthy embies as I can. I am realistic and I know that not every egg that is retrieved will make it to transfer, so every egg really counts!
While I have not gotten completely down and out about this news, I am definitely feeling a bit deflated since I found out I might being losing all of those eggs. I try not to blame myself for my infertility, but there are days when I remember that we are only in this position because of my dysfunctional fallopian tubes and it gets hard not to feel responsible. I have been able to get past those feeling these past few weeks, because since we started IVF, it has felt like we are really doing something and I haven't had time to feel guilty. But now that I know that my ovary is stuck, most likely by the same scar tissue that damaged my tube to begin with, the self-blame is starting to come back a bit. I know logically that it is not my fault but emotionally when things go wrong it's hard not point a finger at myself. Chad has of course been great about letting me know it is not my fault and thanks me every day for everything I am going through to create our family. I am so grateful to have him through all of this.
I am choosing to be optimistic that things can still turn around before the retrieval. I need my RE to be "Dr. Jedi" now more than ever. Let's get those jedi mind tricks in gear and make that ovary move! My nurse assured me that he would "take care of me" and do whatever he could to get all of the eggs my body was producing. And of course I am doing any small thing I can to help things along too. I went back to doing injections on my left side again last night. I know logically that it has no bearing on how each side responds but even just a teeny bit more response on my left side could be the push I need to get that ovary out of hiding. And as I said, that side stings significantly more than the right during my injections so maybe there is something to it. I have also been researching yoga poses that may help things move around in there. I have a week to get that ovary to move. I just don't want to have all my eggs all in one basket, so to speak. I have two baskets of good eggs, I should be able to use both!