The process of trying to conceive can be so emotional and overpowering, it is only natural that many of those in the trenches cope with these struggles and their deepest hopes by realizing them in dream-filled sleeps. Many of my friends have told of dreams about yet to be realized children so real and vivid, they simultaneously give them feelings of hope at the possible future and despair and their very real present. During my years of struggle, I only ever had one dream of myself as a mother that I can recall. Some of it was nonsensical like most dreams but it also had one very simple, emotional moment in which I was nursing a baby girl and it felt so incredibly tender and real that it stuck with me.
When I was finally and truly pregnant with my amazing daughter, that dream came back to me and I knew that I wanted to breastfeed her when she was born. I also knew that it isn't always as easy as plopping a baby onto your boob and I wanted to learn more about the nursing process so that I could be as successful as possible. I won't lie, I was insanely intimidated and daunted at the huge task and throughout pregnancy I did my best to soak in information from friends, books and even a class taught by a lactation consultant. I set a goal to breastfeed exclusively for the 1st six months. I also always reminded myself that breastfeeding isn't easy and it isn't life or death. If for any reason it wasn't working for her or me, it was ok to move to something that worked better for us.
And in the beginning it really wasn't always easy. Thanks to an emergency c-section and some concerning swelling in her head after birth, Eliana and I were apart for the first few hours of her life. I can't even remember the first time I tried to nurse her. But I do remember the days at the hospital of her crying desperately for nourishment without the slightest idea of how to latch onto my breast to get it. It was frustrating and challenging for both of us. Luckily, I had some amazing nurses and one physically helped me figure it out. It would have been awkward but the result negated any weirdness and for the first time ever I successfully fed my daughter. It was incredible.
I have had a few other bumps in the road since then: engorgement, plugged ducts, difficulty pumping, and a near bout of mastitis that I spent days fighting off. It wasn't always fun or easy and it was definitely never glamorous, but overall, I got lucky and Snow Pea and I fell into a good routine. We reached six months and the introduction of solids faster than I could have dreamed, and while the demand for the breast went down the more food she ate, and her growing awareness of the world was changing the dynamic, I saw no reason to stop just yet. So we continued our nursing relationship and I hoped to make it another six months.
I was so thrilled when I made it to a year. By then we were down to 3 feedings a day, first thing the morning, after her afternoon nap and right before bed. It had become far less demanding than when we started, but now a year later I felt ready to wean. Snow Pea wasn't a sweet, peaceful baby anymore. She wiggly, distracted and precocious. She had started demanding milk by tugging on my shirt and whining at me during the day, biting my nipples when she got bored or wanted to switch sides. It was frustrating and exhausting.
So again, I did my research. I talked to friends who had been there and read up and just weeks ago introduced cow's milk into my daughter's diet. She hated it at first. She knew what she wanted and it didn't come in a plastic cup. But it literally only took a week of offering a cup after her afternoon nap before she decided this was good stuff and at 13 months she has officially dropped her daytime feeding. My plan setting out was to wean from this feeding first and then the other two, one at a time, over the course of a few weeks. I was by no means in a rush. Now it seems though that my body has begun deciding for us that time is just about up.
Earlier this week I nursed Snow Pea after her bath, just as I have for months now and realized that I felt almost completely empty. My poor girl was trying and trying but I had nothing to give her. She was miserable, screaming and crying in hunger and frustration. I had to do what was best for her needs and I gave her a bottle of plain milk that she hungrily sucked down before contentedly passing out. And then I cried.
I thought I was ready. I was the one who decided it was time to wean, that encouraged her to transition away from needing my body to feed her, but now that it is actually happening, it is more emotional than I ever anticipated. My body has nourished hers for nearly 2 years! For 9 months she lived and grew inside my body and for the last 13 my milk has sustained her. Being unable to do for her what I have done her entire life made me feel a little bit heartbroken, like she was growing too fast and didn't need me anymore. But it also made me see that she really is weaning herself even more than I'm weaning her and as hard as it may be, I need to follow her lead and let her have this bit of independence. My child is becoming just that, a child. She is no longer an infant and she is ready to move on from our nursing relationship.
I am not positive how many weeks or days of breastfeeding are left. Will I even know my last nursing session with her when it happens? What I do know is that I am grateful to have been able to breastfeed at all and to have been able to do it for so long. I also know that I don't believe any of the media hype that I am somehow more or less of a mom because of it. I won't get into all that now, especially since I have already written a more at length post on the topic (which you can find here) but I do want to be sure that my words don't get turned into fuel for a supposed "mommy war". All moms that love and do their best for their kids are good moms, period. I have done what was best for my me and daughter so far and now that it is changing, I am looking forward what that means for us in the future.
I have been looking at my life a lot lately and savoring the many things I have going for me. And while much of what I have has come from a lot of work, effort and patience on my part, I still can't believe the miracle of having my sweet, perfect daughter is here smiling at me right now. I certainly didn't do anything extraordinary to deserve her. Sure I charted, I OPKd, I timed, I payed thousands of dollars to receive hundreds of shots, I cried, I lost, I hurt, I prayed and I hoped but did I really do anything anyone else in my position hasn't done? No, absolutely not.
So why am I here while so many of my deserving sisters in the IF community are still hurting from prolonged adoptions, BFNs and tragic losses? Not because these things are meant to or not meant to be or because I have good karma and they don't. I still struggle daily with infertility "survivor's guilt" knowing that so many people that I love dearly are still hurting and hoping for their time to come. I don't believe I am somehow more worthy of motherhood or somehow think I am somehow a better person than someone just because I have made the choice to be a parent and have been lucky enough to be able to do so. And the same goes for the choices I make as a parent, I don't believe mine are "right" and someone else's are "wrong".
I have been a mom for 3 and a half months, and with the exception of the first night in the hospital when Snow Pea was away from me in the nursery for observation, I have been fortunate enough to be able to breastfeed exclusively since she was born. I am very grateful that it has, for the most part, come easily to me and my daughter, but I don't take credit for it and I don't believe I am somehow superior because of it.
I am sure it is no secret to any of you that breastfeeding is a huge hot button issue. People are constantly throwing in their two cents on whether or not to do it, if it's ok to do it in public, whether it should be scheduled or "on demand" and what you're doing "wrong" if it doesn't go well. I have talked to friends and family members who have fallen on every side of all of these concerns and I have come to realize that breastfeeding carries with it so many of the same emotions and feelings as infertility.
One of the great gifts infertility has given me is gratitude. Of course, having struggled to become a mom, I don't take being one for granted, not for a second. And having learned that lesson with my fertility, I also realize how much my ability to nurse is something to be grateful for, something I got lucky with. So far, I have not had any trouble with supply or pain or infection and it has been pretty simple and painless for both Eliana and me. She is gaining weight perfectly and has even taken easily to a bottle of pumped milk anytime we offer it to her. But I don't think I did anything special to make any of this happen and I am also aware that it could all change at any time. Yes, I work at it and it can take a lot out of me, but that doesn't mean I have any control over it. I also worked hard to take my temperature every morning and chart my ovulation but I will never get pregnant without ART no matter how much work I put into it. It's just not something I can control. And just as someone who got pregnant on their first try is no more deserving of motherhood, I am no better at at it than friends who have had struggled with milk supply or who simply chose not to breastfeed for whatever reason. We all love our kids and we are all taking the best possible care of them in whatever form or fashion best suits our families.
I have seen and heard the hurt that comes from some of my friends who couldn't or have chosen not to breastfeed for whatever reason, and it reminds me so much of the pain of infertility. They seem to experience so many of the same emotions. And for those who struggled with IF before becoming parents, it can be even harder. There are similar feelings of helplessness, loss, and inadequacy. If you want to do it and can't, you can feel robbed of what you envisioned as a sacred experience and a rite of womanhood. If you choose not to breastfeed or become a mother without experiencing the hormonal changes of pregnancy and birth to trigger milk production, as in the case of adoption, you can feel completely left out by the rest of the boob-obsessed world we seem to live in. And in either situation guilt is lobbed at you in heaps. It all too often seems to make women feel like failures at motherhood if they don't breastfeed, just as I felt like a failure at womanhood when I couldn't get pregnant.
Being infertile, I highly value having relationships with others in my shoes that can relate, but I also have a great appreciation for my fertile friends and family that truly empathize with my experiences, those that acknowledge that they aren't somehow more deserving of being parents just because it happened easily for them. And in that same vein, I think it is important for me to acknowledge that no matter how hard I worked to get here or what choices that I make now that I have arrived, there is no amount of money I've spent, tears I've cried, shots I've received or milk I've produced that makes me a good or bad mother. I am a great mom because I love my child and I make choices every day that reflect that. I don't have control over many things, but loving her unconditionally and supporting everyone else that does the same for their families, that I can do.
With the start of the new year, I started the 3rd trimester which means there has been a lot more to think about. Namely, the fact that my sweet little Snow Pea, is getting much bigger every day and getting ready to make her debut into the world! It's just unbelievable to me much closer that day is, and we are trying to do a lot to get ready for it.
Last week was the big preparation kick off. Chad and I went to our first class on childbirth, which gave a great overview of the process, steps and choices during labor and delivery. This was just a free, one time class offered by a cord blood banking company in our area, but we still learned a lot and it made us more excited than nervous for what's to come. Thanks to the nurse who taught this course, I can now say for certain that I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions for the past two weeks. Wow is that a weird feeling! The first time I really felt one it seemed like Snow Pea was trying push her way out of my tummy through my belly button! Now that I know what it is though, I often go through the day barely noticing them.
We also attended a breastfeeding class offered by the same company and nurse. Chad questioned whether there could really be enough information for us to learn to fill up two hours since he has been reading about it lately, and I also think he wondered whether he really needed to be there since I'd be the one actually doing the breastfeeding. But I thought it was important for both of us to really understand as much as we can and to feel confident so that I'd have a higher chance of success. We really did learn a lot and even though we had both read some of the information before, it reinforces it to have an expert you can talk to face to face to reinforce it. My goal is to breastfeed exclusively for 6 months, but I know it is not always easy, so I am happy to use all of the resources I can find.
And in the end, Chad was of course, really glad he came. He is loving all things "baby class" and told me to sign us up for anything and everything. In a few weeks we will be going the class on baby basics as well where they go over everything from to feed and change a diaper to infant CPR. As a longtime nanny of infants, I have the diaper changing stuff down but Chad has vowed to make his first diaper change his child's so I think he'll have a lot of fun at this one.
For myself, I have started attending a pre-natal yoga class. I've been twice now and I really think it is helping my posture and the soreness I was starting to get in my back. It is also very relaxing, and the instructor has given me a lot of great tips for comfortable positions and breathing to use during labor. She also teaches a Mommy & Baby class, which I think will be great once Snow Pea is born.
In addition to all this learnin' we've been doing, we also started meeting with pediatricians. This is the part that really makes Snow Pea's impending arrival feel real, because even though I have had a doctor to get me pregnant and then a doctor to see me through my pregnancy, now I have to think about getting her a doctor of her own! The man we met with yesterday is full of energy and seems to share a lot of our philosophies. Chad and I both really liked him and can see him being very good at treating kids of all ages. He has a solo practice though, so in a couple weeks we are also going to the open house at a group practice that was recommended to me so that we can compare and make an informed decision.
I have really loved these past few weeks getting educated and ready for the day we bring Snow Pea home in my arms instead of in my belly. In addition to all of the classes and meetings, we have both been reading up on different theories and styles of caring for infants and discussing the ideas that work for us and the ones that don't. I know we can parent without the books, but looking into the different schools of thought on feeding, sleeping and infant care now while I am still pregnant gives us the opportunity to really find out where we stand on these choices and to feel prepared to put them into practice when the time comes. And honestly the more I read and the more we learn, the more excited I am for that "put it into practice" day to be here! I can't wait for the parenting part!
Chad has been such a big part of this process and I have to say that seeing him so involved in this pregnancy and getting ready for our daughter makes me melt in a whole new way. Today marks 8 years that Chad and I have been a couple and I know it's cliche but I really do love him more and more every day. He is my lego, we fit together, and seeing him so excited about becoming a dad just reaffirms that. Since we got married, we save our "anniversary" for that date, but I have taken to calling today our non-iversary, because it is still a special day to me. So to celebrate 8 years we are doing what else? Going to another class! Tonight, we start the 3 week long childbirth preparation class at the hospital. I'm so excited to learn more about preparing and relaxing for labor and practicing all of the "Bill Cosby" breathing techniques.
Of course, I know that no matter how much I read or how many classes I take, nothing will fully prepare me to go through the realities of labor and delivery or for parenting itself, but I am excited to take on the challenges of motherhood and to have another opportunity to learn something from it each and every day .
Too funny! 
PS if you want one, they're on Etsy. Click HERE
