Another One Bites the Dust

Writing and blogging really is such a cathartic way to deal with everything that happens in life, and I don't know why I don't make more time to do it. Mostly, just the regular excuses about being busy and distracted I guess. I mean, yeah I actually am busy and I do get distracted but I should make more quality time for myself. Especially now. 

After September's chemical pregnancy, I realized how very much I want to have another child so Chad and I plunged straight into another cycle. I was already in the habit of nightly injections, so might as well keep them going. And yeah that cycle ended badly, but this next one was sure to work, right? I won't keep you in suspense, the answer is no. Today was beta and my official BFN. 

Not that it was a shock. I poas'd earlier this weekend knowing Chad was leaving town for work today, and neither of us wanted to be apart immediately after getting the results, so we decided it was better to find out sooner rather than later. Both our hopes were much higher than either us had confessed though, so seeing that single, lonely line Saturday afternoon was crushing to say the least. Still, I don't regret it. Testing early didn't change the outcome and it gave us both time together to process. What knowing didn't change is that it still hurt like hell hearing the nurse say the word "negative" on the phone this morning. I knew that's what she would say. I was fully prepared for it. So why did it still sting? Why does infertility continue to find new ways to make me hurt? 

When I became a mom after so much pain and heartbreak, I knew that trying again one day would be hard, but I also knew it would never hurt that same way again. It would never be as raw and intense as the pain of having empty arms. When we finally started our FETs for baby #2, I was confident that I knew what to expect, that I wouldn't be surprised by pain like I had been in the past. But here I am shocked by all of the unexpected ways infertility wracked my emotions yet again. I was still right that it isn't as extreme of a pain as I endured before motherhood, but it is still pain nonetheless, and it still tears at all of my old wounds even as it rips open new ones.

This is my first IVF/FET cycle in which no implantation at all took place. Granted I've only had one child, but I have had 3 "pregnancies". I haven't stared down a straightforward BFN, with no confusing betas or possible positives since my clomid days 4 years ago. And while this complete failure is making me question whether I could have done anything different to get a better outcome, it has also verified a long held suspicion that even though a BFN hurts like hell, it isn't as unbearable as thinking I might actually be getting what I want and having it cruelly ripped away from me. So I guess I have that as a silver lining this cycle? Yeah I am not pregnant, but at least I never was? Honestly, when you are facing this heartbreak, you have to take what you can get when it comes to finding the good in it. And as pessimistic as I sound there is some good. Or at least some hope, anyway. We are very lucky in that we still have frozen embryos left so we can keep trying without having to worry about the time and expense of a fresh IVF cycle. Although, after two failed cycles, we seem to be investing quite a bit of time and money after all.

But back to the hope. As negative and angry as I feel at the moment, I know hope is still there. It isn't over and there is still a good chance that this will work in the end. Although, if I am being honest, I am not really certain of my belief that it will work, and in fact, I am kind of terrified that it won't. I am already crushed that my so many of my family dreams have had to be re-written or let go of altogether, I am just not ready to let go of this one yet. So for now, I am not going to. Thanks to travel and holiday schedules we won't be able to transfer again until next year, which kills me, but hopefully I can use this time off to relax and recharge before subjecting myself to hundreds more needles. I can only hope that the new year brings realized dreams along with it. 

Ready To Be Me

During my last 2ww after FET, I was anything but optimistic. I had just suffered a miscarriage following a roller coaster IVF and my heart was still raw and couldn't fathom anything good happening for me. Chad and I both spent most of those two weeks bracing ourselves for disappointment and heartbreak. We truly had very little hope that this FET had really worked. Finally we realized we needed to escape and just be us, if only for a moment. So we sailed off for a short island getaway to take a breath and release some anxiety the day before beta. While we were there we took a moment to make a wish in a little fountain tucked into a hidden courtyard. My beta was less than 24 hours away so we held hands, tossed our penny in and felt our very first ray of hope. That short 2 day trip was the first time I felt really like the me I was before infertility. If only for a moment, I could just be.

Two years later we journeyed to that island again this time with the amazing little girl that was born as a result of the very same FET we had been so worried would fail. And of course we revisited that hopeful fountain. It was so amazing to experience that mini vacation again but this time with her there to enjoy it with us. She delighted in all of the new sights and sounds and we delighted in seeing them again through her eyes. And having so much traveling with her already under our belts and so much more to come, we are excited about the many opportunities to see old places become new again as we experience them as parents for the first time. 

Next week though, we are taking a truly groundbreaking trip: the first since Snow Pea was born for which she won't be joining us. I am kinda, sorta freaking out about being away from my baby girl for the first time since she was born. But I am also kinda looking forward to the break from parenting. Don't get me wrong, I love being a stay at home mom and wouldn't change that for anything right now, but it gets exhausting. Really exhausting. And the idea of a having few days to not worry about why my child is whining and whether I am a terrible mother for giving in to said whines sounds pretty nice right now. 

I feel so incredibly conflicted for even thinking I need a break and not just for the reasons you might think. Yes of course, part of it is because I want to be with my daughter and I know that I will without a doubt miss her immensely. I can't imagine missing 4 entire days of her life. But I also feel like I somehow don't deserve to feel tired or worn out. I mean what do I really do to warrant the need for a "break"? Yeah, I'm a stay at home mom, but I'm no heroine. I rarely cook, my house is always a mess and as much as I adore my girl I also find myself occasionally overwhelmed with the demands that come with full-time caregiving. I feel like there are so many more women and men out there giving more, doing more- moms and dads who work and still have the same responsibilities I do when it comes to grocery shopping, laundry washing and dinner making. There are moms who meal plan and have their crock pots set up, ready for the night's meal as they put together homemade, educational activities for their tots, while I rely on a day full of the same store bought toys, trips to the library for storytime and puzzling over what to make for dinner about 5 minutes before we should be eating it. I try to convince myself that the "pinterest" world of crafts, homemade meals, perfect exercise schedules and cleaning schedules isn't really an accurate picture of what happens in other people's homes, but it is hard to believe I'm not the only slacker sometimes. If I can't even keep up with my own to-do list, what exactly do I need a break from?

Then of course there is the infertility thing. I wanted this more than anything in the entire world. I still do. I truly do love being a parent and not in a passive way. The thought is consciously in my head at least once a day. Every time I try to do something that used to be easy that is now instead a struggle to keep my toddler from running into traffic or throwing a tantrum, I can't help but realize how much more I enjoy having a demanding baby making it impossible for me to eat my dinner while it's hot than I ever did actually eating said dinner. But that doesn't mean I don't ever want to eat a hot meal again. And maybe even have a glass of wine to go with it once in a while and some uninterrupted adult conversation while I'm at it. It's this crazy internal debate that I go through constantly. I have so much fun being a mom and I am so grateful for it but I also just want to be me sometimes without having to think for two people. I love it but no matter how great it is, it can be draining. That thinking for two people thing is what gets really hard. My brain feels like complete mush by the end of the day. 

I miss "me" stuff. I need more of it. I realized I am kind of losing myself to the toddler routine. I get out every day, I have tons of friends to interact with- both parents and not, I am not shutting myself away by any means but I still feel like I often lose sight of what makes me, me. My 30th birthday is coming up and since I was 23 I have been planning to throw an epic 80s Prom to celebrate. But in the past few months, it has started to sound like too much work and I have lost excitement for it. Part of it I think is that I really do have a lot of other things to plan and prepare for and this party really will take some work, but I also realized I haven't been excited because I haven't been in touch with the part of me that wanted this in the first place. I haven't listened to own music in ages because my CD player and pandora station is always blasting The Wiggles or Laurie Berkner. As much as I love the kids tunes Eliana and I jam out to, I need to rock out to my music again too. That used to be a huge part of me. I spent my entire pregnancy and Snow Pea's 1st year belting Journey, REO Speedwagon and Depeche Mode into a hairbrush to get psyched up for planning my birthday bash, but now that she has reached toddlerhood I've caved to playing "Shake My Sillies Out" a thousand times a day to keep her happy. 

I know it is probably selfish and that I probably don't actually need or deserve it, but I still really want a break. I want to spend time with my husband without us both having to divide our attention. I want to be able to put all of my energy into something that I really want to do. Of course, I'm sure I will barely remember any of these feelings this time next week when I'm missing my baby and counting the moments until I can with her again. But hopefully, just like that 2ww escape trip, I will find that moment that will snap my brain out of whatever funk it might be in and I will come home feeling refreshed and recharged and ready to be the best mom and the best me that I can be.

Evicting My Heart

It's official, Snow Pea has been served a request to vacate. I met with my doctor yesterday and reviewed the current situation. Snow Pea is currently in perfect position and I am dilated about 2cm. The amniotic fluid levels are currently safe but they are definitely on the decline. Because of this, and because we know without a doubt exactly how long I have been pregnant to the minute thanks to FET, Chad, my doctor and I have agreed that if she does not come on her own sooner, I will be admitted to the hospital at 12am on Saturday the 9th to begin the official eviction process. This is not a decision we are making lightly. We have reviewed all the different aspects of what is entailed and reasons to do it versus not, and I truly feel that this is the right choice for us and our baby.

Of course, I am still holding out a bit of hope that she will surprise us all and come on her own before tomorrow night, but I am at peace with the knowledge that either way my sweet baby girl will be in my arms before the weekend is over. It is also incredibly surreal though to have this knowledge though. Part of me feels like a kid the day before Christmas, so excited and giddy and in awe of the day that is about to be here. And another part of me is becoming very sentimental and wistful. My pregnancy is nearly at an end. I truly will miss it. This has been the most magical and wonderful nine months of my life and I have wanted it for so very long. As much as I want to hold my daughter in my arms, I will so miss feeling her inside my tummy. I will miss her hiccups and feeling her kick when Chad reads to her. I will miss rubbing my hand over my belly, knowing that she is on the other side. I am thrilled and honored that I get to be her mommy for the rest of my life, but I also know that I will never be pregnant with her again. As excited as I am to say hello to her and to motherhood, I am a bit sad to say goodbye to pregnancy. Even if I have other children one day, this special time with this special child will never come again. Which, now that I think about it, is a feeling I will experience for the rest of my life. Each milestone she reaches in her life will probably feel a lot like this. I will be over the moon excited to hear her first words and see her first steps, but it will also be bittersweet because it will mark a transition from a stage of her life that I won't get to do over.

Which is why I am taking today to really celebrate my pregnancy and the joy of having my Snow Pea here in my belly, closer than she will ever physically be to me again. I'm taking walks and talking to her as I do, telling her all about the world that is waiting for her. I am rubbing my tummy every chance I get and stopping at every reflective surface I pass to marvel at my pregnant body. After 9 months, I still can't believe it is my reflection I am seeing when I look into a mirror and see a round belly there. I feel so incredibly grateful to be where I am and still don't quite understand what I did to get so lucky. I'm just overwhelmed with love and gratitude for this pregnancy and my daughter.

In addition to being rather emotional and weepy, I am trying to also be responsible and take advantage of these last pre-baby hours. Tomorrow, Chad is taking a half day from work and we are planning to re-pack and be sure we know where everything is, enjoy a meal together, see a movie and take a really good, long nap. I am also planning to take the longest shower in history, because next to sleep, this is one thing all new mothers seem to miss most. I am also wracking my brain to think of any other errands, chores or fun activities I should do now while it is still possible. If you have any other suggestions or things you wish you had done those last days before baby, please feel free to share!

Right now, sitting alone in my house, quietly writing this blog, I keep thinking about how different life will be soon and I can't quite wrap my head around it. Things will never be the same. I will not be able to think of only myself anymore, or be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, like sitting here in the middle of the day, aimlessly writing a blog with no distractions or interruptions. Even though pregnancy requires you to think about the life inside you and it effects the choices you make, I know it will be nothing compared to motherhood. This morning when I woke up, I could still roll over and hit snooze, but I won't be able to do that with a crying baby. Far beyond things like that however, I know my heart will never be the same. I already love this child so much more than I ever could have imagined or explain. And even though she hasn't been born yet, I know that the saying about being a parent is to have your heart walking outside your body is true. My love for my daughter has already forever changed me and I can't wait to tell her how much I love her face to face.

In Due Time

Today is April 2, 2011. I have been reciting that date for nearly 9 months, every time someone asked me when I was due. And here it is, the official due date. My daughter on the other hand does not seem especially interested in such dates or predictions as she has given no indication that she is in a hurry to join the outside world yet.

My last appointment with Dr. Casual was Wednesday and we learned that Snow Pea has definitely dropped into position but other than that progress has still been slow. I was dilated about 1.5cm and still not fully effaced. There was enough progress though to justify stripping my membranes again. It was definitely not the most comfortable experience, but we were all hopeful it would work. As you can tell from the subject of this post, it didn't have the desired effect so now I have an office appointment this upcoming Wednesday to evaluate induction options. Unless of course, she decides to come on her own sooner, which of course we're all hoping for.

Unlike my labor progress, Snow Pea's growth progress has not been so slow. According to the ultrasound measurements she is keeping up with the half pound a week weight gain and was measuring 8.5 pounds. Which means if she does indeed stay put until Wednesday there is a very real possibility that I will be giving birth to a 9 pound baby! Being born at less than 7 pounds myself, I never would have expected this, but I know I won't be the first to deliver a 9 pound baby and honestly her size doesn't worry me when it comes to labor any more than if she were 6 pounds. It is really the clothes I can't stop thinking about! I have the greatest homecoming outfit specially made for Snow Pea by a wonderful friend from twitter and there is a very good chance she will never fit into it. But really I know that I could bring her home in a potato sack and I wouldn't care because it is HER I am dying to see, not her cute, tiny clothes.

Snow Pea though, does not seem nearly as anxious to see us as we are to see her. I have the distinct feeling that is just nice and cozy in there and doesn't feel like moving yet. Her daddy is the same way when he is comfortable, he just doesn't want to budge and he is incredibly stubborn about it. I can't count the number of times I have heard him whine "just 5 more minutes" only to find him in the exact same position half an hour later. Even though I can't actually hear Snow Pea's voice yet, I get the sense that she is doing the same thing. She would come out, she is just way too comfy right now.

Watching my due date come and go without her arrival isn't exactly what I was expecting or hoping for but I do know that she has to come eventually. There are only so many times she can hit the snooze button before she really does have to get up. I wish I had met her days ago, but the day is coming, it will happen and it will be amazing whether it is today or 3 days from now. She can't stay in there forever, right?

Labor Cookies

The countdown continues...5 days until Snow Pea's official due date. Chad and I keep hoping that she will decide to make an early appearance but it seems she is still pretty comfortable for now. So this weekend we split our time between enjoying quality pre-parent time together and trying everything we could think of to coax our daughter to come out and meet us.

I have been talking to her a lot, telling her all about the world that is waiting to meet her, and how amazing it all is. I love sitting in her room and feeling her move while I talk to her or sing her song. Chad has also been reading to her, the same book he has read since Christmas, and it always seems to get a reaction from her. I especially make sure he emphasizes the last lines "It's a scrumptulous world and it's ready to greet you, and as for myself, well I can't wait to meet you!" I know that technically she can't understand what we are saying but I think the feelings get through, and she knows how much we love her and can't wait to be her mommy and daddy.

We have also been trying some more direct approaches to help labor along, like walking, lots and lots of walking. Saturday I think we walked a total of 5 times. Every time we realized that we had nothing specific we were doing, we walked. It clearly didn't start my labor yet, but it still felt good to get out and about. Chad has also very kindly been rubbing my feet after these walks, paying extra close attention to the supposed acupressure points located there that are said to cause contractions. A twitter friend also gave me link to a recipe for so-called "Jump Start Your Labor Cookies", which you can read about by clicking here. Of course, I have never thought there was any real way something I eat could cause labor to start, but honestly the recipe sounded delicious and as soon as I read it I was craving them. Besides, what a great excuse to scarf down some yummy cookies!

So yesterday, we ventured out to procure the ingredients and get baking. Not only was it a lot of fun to spend time in the kitchen with Chad making silly puns and jokes about baking and ovens, I was right, the cookies turned out amazing! So good in fact that of the 3 trays we made yesterday, only 10 cookies remain. Chad was especially addicted to them and had forcibly remove them from sight to stop himself from eating any more. I enjoyed my fair share too, while sipping on red raspberry leaf tea, which is said to strengthen uterine contractions.

As expected, none of this got my labor going, but it was still so worth it and made for a great memory for us. We also took advantage of our weekend and enjoyed a lot of other great moments. Friday night we enjoyed a long, leisurely coffee date and again on Saturday we had nice long lunch together. We slept in every morning and took naps every afternoon. Of course, we both can't help but wish we were sleepily holding our little girl instead, but we know these carefree, rested days will soon be gone, so we are doing our best to enjoy them while we can. After all, even if she decides to come late, she is coming! And in the meantime I am going to continue to enjoy dreaming of her and snacking on some mighty delicious cookies.

A Whole New 2ww...

As far as the dates go, I have reached the "baby could be here at any moment" stage of my pregnancy. I am 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant with only 10 days left until my official due date. I am due April 2, and since the beginning I have been hoping Snow Pea would have a late March birthday. With only a little over a week left in the month, we will just have to wait and see if that happens or not. Of course, I will be thrilled to meet her whatever day she decides to introduce herself, but after learning at today's OB appointment that she is measuring at about 8 pounds, I am hoping now more than ever that decides to come into the world sooner rather than later.

In addition to estimating my baby girl's weight, which has remained consistent since our first size check, Dr. Casual was also happy to tell me that she has also begun dropping although she still has some room to go and she is still sitting "sunny side-up" facing my front instead of my back, which can make labor harder and more painful. As always, he wasn't at all concerned about her position and said most babies turn around a lot right up until they start moving through the birth canal.

We were also all very curious about whether there had been any progress in my body that would indicate labor might be coming and thankfully I have begun to dilate, but only a centimeter or so. Luckily, that centimeter is all we needed to be able to strip the membranes. When I asked about whether we should do it, Dr. Casual got a bit excited and bragged that not only could we give it a shot, but that when he does it, it almost always works and usually rather quickly. He said he even has a reputation for being effective among the hospital nurses. I figured it was worth a shot so he went ahead and preformed the procedure, which was really more uncomfortable than painful. If it works in starting labor, it should be within the next couple of days, which is insanely exciting, but I also know that it doesn't work for everyone so I am trying not to get my hopes too high.

The big conversation throughout my appointment, was about whether I had been having any labor symptoms. And have I? Well, I sure have been analyzing the hell out of every twinge, twitch and cramp that has graced my body for the past week. With less than two weeks to go and nothing to do but wait, I am having flashbacks to the 2ww of TTCing. It started with the cramps. "Could that be a sign?" "Don't people say contractions feel like cramps in the beginning?" " Let's see what Dr Google has to say." Then came the increasing Braxton Hicks contractions, which I stop everything for so that I can try to note just how strong they are and whether they are happening at regular intervals or not. Last night and this morning I was very nauseous and found myself yet again googling pre-labor signs. Now that I have had my membranes stripped the cramps have gone into overdrive which has my hopes higher than ever. But just like the 2ww when TTC, nothing is conclusive and all I can really do is wait and try to make my brain stop obsessing about when labor will happen. The difference however, and it's a huge one, is that with this 2ww I actually know how it will end and the ending is a great one. The best one in the world actually, the one I have been waiting years for! Even if it takes another 2 weeks instead of another 2 days, in the end I WILL be a mom and there is nothing more amazing or wonderful than that!



Oh! I should also mention I have added a few pics to Snow Pea's baby website. If you want a glimpse of the nursery, check it out http://SnowPea.OurBabyChannel.com

You Have Questions, I Have Answers

I know a lot of you have been patiently waiting on the edge of your seats to hear my beta results and some of you may have noticed me not so gracefully dodging your questions about exactly when the test would be. I am so sorry for leaving you all hanging like that. You all have been so amazing and so genuinely supportive during this FET and I don't think I would have survived this cycle without your encouragement. Please don't think I have avoided answering your questions for any reason other than my own crazy nervousness. My blog and twitter followers are the best and I adore you all! So without dragging it out any longer than I already have I can now tell you that I did indeed have my beta and the results came back positive!

I had the first test at my RE's on Tuesday the 27th. Chad and I both took the day off so that we could be together when the news came and either cry or smile privately. I woke up that morning feeling convinced that it would be a bfp (a far cry from how I felt just a few days ago, thanks very much weekend getaway!) but of course then I was immediately terrified at how awful I would feel if I was wrong. I went in for bloodwork at 8:25am and at 10:33am the nurse called and told me that my beta number was 737. Neither of us jumped for joy the same way we did for our first BFP and Chad kept telling himself he wouldn't get overly excited yet, but we couldn't help but smile and get a teeny bit giddy when we called our parents and siblings to tell them the results.

After listening to all the happy voices of our mothers and sisters, we had to again face reality and the anxiety of the 2nd beta. If you remember my first BFP experience, my beta tests and following ultrasounds became a roller coaster of exhausting and heartbreaking emotions as I kept having blood drawn and kept being told that the numbers were rising but not quite enough. The ride ended crushingly in a miscarriage and D&C at 8 weeks. So yesterday morning, I was more nervous waiting for the call to hear whether my hCG had successfully doubled or not than I was waiting to find out whether it was in my system in the first place. After what seemed like the longest 4 hours of my life, the nurse finally called and told me that my beta was 1315, a rise of 78%. She then went on to say this is "not necessarily a bad thing", wording I wish she had thought out before saying because it only increased my anxiety. My next beta is Monday morning.

I want to say that I am as excited and overjoyed as I know I should be, but honestly I am a big pot of nerves with a heap of hopefulness and a dash of excitement thrown in. And that is most likely the state my emotions will stay in until we can hear a heartbeat. I know the heartbeat is not everything, and there will be plenty of other things to get nervous about after that, but since we never made it that far with Sprout, I feel like I can at least begin to embrace and get excited about being pregnant. Right now I still have a hard time using that word in relation to myself. It just doesn't feel really real yet. I am excited and happy and so incredibly grateful, but also very scared that history will repeat itself and this will end badly too. Every time I have a happy thought for myself, a frightened one is in the back of my mind. But I am fighting those fears as best as I can and I know I can win.

Again, thank you to everyone that has supported and encouraged me these past few weeks and especially to those who have hoped for me when my hope was gone. You have no idea how much your support means to me, I truly don't think I would be here without it.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: Getting Away

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented and offered support and advice during this past week. As you may have noticed the 2ww had me pretty stressed out and pessimistic. So, Chad and I decided to get away for a little bit and try to relax before we both lost our minds. We went away for a couple days to Catalina Island just off the coast. I am happy to report that our trip was a complete success and we not only had a great time but we also managed to obsess over the 2ww a little less. I was distracted enough that I didn't even think about POASing and I came home feeling refreshed and much more optimistic. While we there I really stopped feeling certain this cycle wouldn't work and actually started to think it just could be it! Nothing feels as great as having hope again!

Guarding My Heart

I don't really know if I should admit this but I don't have a good feeling about this FET cycle. I know I am supposed to be optimistic and positive but I just have a gut feeling that this will be a BFN. It's not that I am feeling defeated or trying to be negative, it just seems like one of those times when you just "know". I want this cycle to be it, but my intuition is saying otherwise.

With my IVF in March, I was of course nervous and excited and so many other emotions. I hoped for a positive result and tried to prepare myself for a negative, but somewhere in my heart I just had the feeling it would be a BFP. I was overjoyed when that hope and prediction came true. Then when it came time for the first ultrasound, I had this gut feeling that it wouldn't be good. I have never really talked about this, but the day before the u/s I just knew it wouldn't go well. I wasn't nearly as surprised by our bad news as I could have been because my instincts had warned me ahead of time.

Or at least I think it is my instincts. My good friend Lisa reminded me today that my doubts and fear aren't proof of anything. She said it is just my head trying to protect my heart. And she is right but what my head is missing is that my heart will hurt whether I am optimistic or not. And this got me thinking even more about instinct and intuition.

I have always been a believer in gut feelings but I am starting to really wonder if that belief is slightly misplaced. I mean I also used to think everything happened for a reason, but after all I have been through, I don't believe that anymore either. (a blog post for another time) There is a big push in the world around us to trust our guts, to live in connection with our intuitive nature and let it guide us, but honestly how often are our instincts really right? Do we just convince ourselves of their accuracy based on the times they are correct and conveniently forget when they're not? I wish there was a way to truly test my instincts.

Speaking of testing, I am going to go off topic here because I need some advice from my dear bloggy friends. To test or not to test. My beta is coming up and of course I have to do the blood work no matter what but I am starting to wonder if I should poas before my appt or not. Last time, I was too terrified of a BFN and I waited for the phone call from my RE's office. This time around, I know that a BFN could never be as devastating as the news of my miscarriage, so part of me just wants to get it over with. If my instincts are right and it is negative it seems like an HPT would allow me to rip off the band-aid in minutes instead of waiting hours for results to come in. Then again, do I really want wake up early and go to the RE's office already knowing I will be getting bad news? Any advice or first hand experiences would be so greatly appreciated on this!

As for my intuitive nature and my negative so-called instincts, I am doing my best to focus on the positives. I am reminding myself of the many stories I have heard first hand of those who just knew without a doubt in their minds that their cycle had failed only to be proven completely wrong when the day of truth finally came. If the scientific theories surrounding instinct have any bearing, instincts exist simply for the purpose of self preservation. We know to retreat from unseen danger, just as a squirrel runs from an oncoming car, to keep ourselves safe and protected. If this is the case, my instincts don't know the outcome of anything, they just know that the outcome has the potential to hurt me and is setting off those alerts to keep me as safe as possible. My brain is just doing it's job trying to protect my heart.

ICLW: Back In The Saddle

It is time once again for ICLW! (International Comment Leaving Week)

For those of you visiting for the first time, I will give you the short version of my story. My husband, Chad, and I married and began TTC in 2007. After a little over two years with no success, I was diagnosed with blocked fallopian tubes and I began IVF treatments in 2010. My first IVF cycle in March resulted in a BFP and 13 frozen embies. We were overjoyed to have our Sprout! Unfortunately, in April, we learned that the pregnancy was not viable and I miscarried at 8 weeks. After a very long wait for AF to return, we finally started our first FET earlier this month and transferred two snowflakes on July 15. Which means that I am now in the middle of the 2ww.

After my miscarriage, I was in blog and TTC limbo for a while and it feels good to be back in the saddle again, so to speak. Although now that I am in the 2ww, it feels more like I am in the saddle of a wild, bucking rodeo horse rather than a peaceful trotting pony. I am doing my best to tame the wild beast that is my anxiety though, and of course hoping with everything I've got that my rainbow is on the horizon.

Thank you so much for stopping by and keeping me sane during this crazy week. I look forward to getting to know you all through your comments and blogs. Please feel free to poke around in my past posts and to come back next week to either celebrate or cry with me when this wait is finally over.

Our Snowflakes

I am happy to report that yesterday's transfer went smoothly and I am now enjoying a cozy day in bed so that my little embies can snuggle in for the next nine months. I was nervous about the thaw and had wondered whether I would get a call from the lab before we went in. When I didn't, I assumed that no news must be good news and hoped for the best.

Thankfully we were able to meet with the embryologist as soon as we arrived at the lab. He told us that both of the embryos selected for thaw were defrosted successfully and we had 2 blastocysts, one 4AA & one 4AB, ready for transfer. (for info on blastocyst grading click here) He said they were thawed using a newer technique which makes their chances of successful pregnancy pretty comparable to the blasts we transferred during the fresh cycle. This definitely gives me some hope since, although I miscarried, that transfer was successful.

Dr. Jedi was, as always, a calming and optimistic presence and he was very pleased with the way everything went. My uterine lining was ideal and the placement was perfect. Even the lab technician responsible for the embryos commented on how great everything looked. The best part though was that they positioned the ultrasound screen just right so that I could actually see the transfer. I cannot tell you how amazing it was to see those two little tiny white dots enter my body, my beautiful little snowflakes. Once, we were alone in the room, Chad and I both had tears in our eyes, overwhelmed by the emotion of that moment.

Now comes the truly hard part, surviving the anxiety ridden 2ww. I have a list of things planned to try and keep myself occupied but I know that my embies and my hopes for them will never be far from the very forefront of my thoughts. Right now though, I am doing everything I can to stay relaxed and hopeful for my tough, little snowflakes.

And The Results Are...

BFP!!!!!!

I had my beta at 7:45am. After a very nervous breakfast out with Chad, we got the call at 9:38am in which the the nurse asked if I was sitting down because I was pregnant! Beta levels are approximately 230mIU/hCG and I am going in on Monday to make sure everything is doubling and hopefully schedule an ultrasound to find out if I am growing one or two little sprouts.

I just can't believe it. It doesn't feel real. Don't mind me if I am pinching myself for the next few weeks, it's just too good to be true! Thanks again for all of your continued love and support. I don't think I would've made it here without it!

With A Little Help From My Friends

Well I have survived the wait so far and now I have less than 24 hours left until my pregnancy test. Yes, I am anxious but looking back at the past two months since I started the IVF journey, I am truly amazed that I have come this far without any major emotional meltdowns. And there are many people that deserve credit for that, because I definitely didn't stay sane and hopeful on my own.

My support network has been a huge part of getting me through the past two months. I am very blessed to have an amazing husband, wonderful family, loving in-laws and fantastic friends, all of whom who are always there for me but have been especially supportive during this process, always providing an ear when I needed one and cheering me on. My husband especially deserves credit for always giving me a kiss before giving me an injection, for putting up with the mood swings I had while pumped full of hormones, and for being my partner during this roller coaster ride.

And while my real-life friends and family have always been and will always be there for me, I am also truly amazed and grateful for the friendship and support I have found in the twitter and blog community. I have been moved to tears more than once by the love that I have received from my online friends. I would have lost it many times if had not been for the encouragement of so many of you that not only know what I am going through physically but emotionally as well. I know none of us wanted to end up struggling like we have to create our families and even though it's a difficult journey, I am so glad we don't have to do it alone. I can't tell you what it meant to me to wake up the morning of my egg retrieval and transfer, anxious as all hell, and check my phone to find that so many of you remembered what day it was for me and sent me such kind well wishes. I am grateful for every text, tweet, comment, and DM. I have one twitter friend go so far as to hand make and mail me a good luck card. Seriously, thank you all for being so supportive. I truly value your friendship and can't imagine that I would have survived this without you.

I also must give credit to the Circle+Bloom program for helping me to remain relaxed and calm throughout the IVF process. Circle+Bloom is a mind-body program for fertility and conception, you can find their website here to learn more. A little over a month ago, I began beta testing for a new program that is specifically tailored for IVF/IUI and I must say I am very excited about it. I have in no way been paid or asked to endorse this product but now that I have gone through the full program, which starts with cycle day one and goes through each stage of ART, from stimulation, to retrieval, transfer and the 2ww, I am a believer that it has had plenty to do with keeping me peaceful and optimistic throughout this process. I consider myself very lucky to have been a part of testing this new program and if I don't get the news I am hoping for tomorrow, I will be utilizing it again for my next cycle.

I have to admit that I am pretty anxious knowing that tomorrow is the day I will either get the best news of my life, or the worst. But I know that all of the support I have had through the infertility and IVF journey will still be there for me no matter what the outcome is tomorrow, and that is such a good feeling.

Wordless Wednesday: The Big Question

Only 3 more sleeps...

Tattoo Tuesday

Kaitlin over at Ah...My Married Life started "Tattoo Tuesday" last week to show tattoo pics and stories, and although I only have one tattoo, I wanted to jump on the bandwagon. Not only is it fun but it's a great non-IVF related distraction from the 2ww.

I got my tattoo when I was 21 and it was totally unplanned. Chad and I were living in Orlando and I went to Tallahassee for the weekend to visit my childhood best friend, C, who was there attending FSU. The weekend I was there her roommate was getting her first tattoo and asked us to come with her for moral support. While we were waiting, we flipped through the books they put in the waiting area and I spied the cutest, tiny little design of a crescent moon and star- perfect for a toe tattoo. It wasn't just cute, it was a symbol that I had been doodling on notebooks and adding to my signature for years. My bedroom decorations in high school and college had been filled with moons and stars, it is just very "me".

Just out of curiosity I asked how much said tattoo would be and was informed that because of cost of needles and other supplies, the base cost for any tat would be $50 regardless of size. So my friend asked how big they could make it and keep it that same price and he sketched out a sample and made some slight adjustments based on my requests. Then he asked if I wanted to get it. I sat for a second and thought about how totally crazy this was, and how not thrilled Chad would be that I did this without him. C and I stepped outside to discuss the decision and she insisted it was a good idea but I knew I wouldn't really do it. We went back inside and the artist asked what I had decided. I took a deep breath but before I could answer, C exclaimed, "Yes, she says yes" and pushed me into his chair.

Of course, I'm a grown up and could have said "no" if I really wanted to but I went for it and had my little blue crescent moon and golden star tattooed to my left shoulder blade. C and I agreed I'd wait until I got home and tell/show Chad about it in person. Which I did. He freaked a tiny bit for about 30 seconds but then decided it was hot and that it suited me perfectly. He is still not thrilled he wasn't there for it and got one for himself a few months later (which I was there for and he claims is unfair)
I immediately loved it and still do. It's part of me now and I can't remember what my back looked like without it. It's one of my favorite things on my body. I still have more tattoos that I would love to get, but for now I love the sweet simplicity of the one I have.

Don't forget to check back here with Kaitlin's blog to see other Tattoo Tuesdays and get in on the fun yourself!

ICLW: The Long Week Ahead

I want to start by saying welcome to all visitors from ICLW! This is my first ever ICLW, because I am a slacker and missed the sign up deadline for 2 months in a row, but I am very excited to be involved this month and honestly my first ICLW couldn't be during a more crucial week. You see at the end of this week I will learn whether another of my firsts has succeeded: my first IVF cycle. I need all the distractions I can get this week so I am very much looking forward to reading and discovering your blogs and stories.

Of course you can always read through my past blog entries to catch up on my infertility and subsequent IVF journey, but I will give you the short(ish) version here. My husband, Chad, and I married in March 2007(I am actually in the car on the way back from our anniversary trip as I write this) and threw out the birth control shortly after. Like most couples we assumed pregnancy would just happen on it's own and didn't really "try" for quite sometime. It eventually became apparent though that even though we were just "not preventing" something should have happened by now so off we went to the OB/GYN in early 2009. I was given some very basic blood work and instructions to start charting BBT and OPKs. We were in full swing with the "sperm meets egg" plan until a few months later when my husband received a promotion that included a move across the country from Orlando, FL to Orange County, CA, where we live now.

After taking some time to get settled and entertain visiting friends and family, we got serious and had the full fertility work-up including a semen analysis, all the important blood work and an HSG. My blood work and Chad's SA came back great, no problems to speak of, it was my HSG that caused concern. My left tube showed no spillage. So my OB put me on Clomid to hopefully increase chances of ovulation on my right side and sent me on my way to continue trying. We were diligent for three months and never missed my fertile window. Progesterone draws each month confirmed I was ovulating but never getting pregnant. Which meant it was time to seek out an RE.

My RE (unlike the OB) actually reviewed the films from the HSG with us and quickly ascertained that my tubes were much more blocked than originally believed. He broke the news that our only real option for a pregnancy was IVF. We talked about it for a few days and decided to jump right in. For the past month I have dealt with the injections, the dates with the ultrasound wand (wandy), and the anxiety that come with this process and somehow managed to stay sane and even smile the entire time.

A little over a week ago I went in for my egg retrieval, where 21 eggs were collected. Of those, 15 fertilized to become embryos and continued to grow right into the day 5 blastocyst stage. On St Patrick's day, I had 2 blastocysts transferred (which you can see here) and the other 13 were frozen. And now after all that activity there is nothing left to do but wait. I have always dreaded the 2ww but this one definitely feels like it has much higher stakes. My beta blood test to determine pregnancy will be scheduled for sometime this upcoming weekend, so if you come back next week hopefully you will get to hear the good news! Or you can give me some comfort and support at a time when I will definitely need it.

I am planning to stay as busy as possible during this week and hopefully stay sane in the process, which means more blog posts to come and lots of time reading and commenting your blogs! So welcome again ICLWers and thank you in advance for your comments. And thank you so much to my current followers for all of the love and support you have given me and continue to provide. The blog community has been such an amazing source of encouragement and friendship and I am so grateful to be a part of it.

Wordless Wednesday: My Lucky Little Sprouts

The transfer is complete and these are the two little embies now safely tucked into my womb. The RE said I had a perfect 3 layer uterine lining and the embryologist informed us that the other 13 embies are all great blastocysts and ready for freezing. Now I'm all snuggled in bed in my festive green jammies, ready to help my sprouts grow! This is all so much better than I expected. Feels like a lucky day!

HAPPY ST. PATRICK"S DAY EVERYONE!

Hope is Scary

Today is 11dpo and my temp is the same as yesterday. This has NEVER happened. My temp always starts going down by now. My LP is only 12 days so a temp drop at 11dpo is expected and very typical, but today it didn't happen. I had a significant dip at 9dpo and assumed it was the beginning of the end but then at 10dpo it went back up and is still there! (my chart) I am trying to keep my feet on the ground but the bubble of of hope in my heart is getting bigger and is about to float away with me.

Before you ask, yes I caved and poas'd this morning: BFN. I know that 11dpo is pretty early though, so the knowledge of my not falling temp this morning is staying with me. This is dangerous. I have been having those daydreams about how I would tell friends and family, when the baby would be due, and how I would decorate the nursery. I have even gone so far as to find out that if we did in fact conceive this month it would have happened on January 13, which as you may recall is our lego anniversary and the start of our lucky 8th year together. Little things like this make me even more hopeful.

The ups and downs of ttc and struggling with infertility has never made me more afraid to hope. As horrible as I felt last month knowing I wasn't pregnant, as I watched my temperatures fall at least I was prepared for the heartbreak. When I dare to hope the pain of another failed cycle seems to be that much greater. Don't get me wrong, I'm not always hope-phobic. For the majority of every cycle I am very hopeful that this could be the month and I relish the new hopes and possibilities during that time period, it's the last few days of the 2ww when everything gets real. This is the time that will make or break me emotionally. I just fear that I will have sky-high hopes today, despite my best attempts to stay grounded, and I will be in that much more pain tomorrow when my temp drops or worse when AF shows her ugly face.

If this cycle does end in disappointment it's on to the next phase of treatment including my first visit to the RE and most likely surgery for my blocked tube. I am mostly ok with that. I am sure some tears will be shed in the process but I am optimistic that this will be the right course to take. Unless I really am already pregnant....should I really dare to dream?

Wordless Wednesday: Longest 2 weeks of every month

Only a few days left in the 2ww...

Signs, Signs Everywhere Signs

So it's official, I am entering the dreaded 2ww. That lovely time every month after ovulation but before you can take an HPT where you try not obsess over every little tummy twinge or bout of fatigue: "Is that implantation cramping or just gas pains? Am I exhausted because my body is furiously dividing cells or is it because I was up until after midnight chatting on twitter?"

As the months have gone on I have gotten much better about not reading into every "symptom" and have even been known to stop temping so that I can avoid the tendency to over-analyze every tiny dip or rise in my BBT. But one thing I can't seem to stop analyzing is the signs!

I am not really a very superstitious or religious person but I still have faith that there is more to the world than what I can see and sometimes it feels like the universe really is talking directly to me! Only 1dpo and the signs are already starting.

First, when I got my new OPKs in the mail this month the company included a temporary tattoo of a lucky shamrock. Chad (DH) and I got married the day after St Patty's so I always associate this imagery with the two of us and the start of our family- another shamrock could mean good things for the growth of our family!

More wedding related imagery- the last song at our wedding was "The Best is Yet to Come". I didn't shed a single tear the entire wedding day (I was just too busy smiling!), until this song played. The lyrics just hit me as I was looking into Chad's eyes dancing and then the waterworks started. Ever since, anytime this song plays it just happens to be when I am wondering about the what's next and I always take it to literally mean the next great thing is about to come. For instance, when I was unpacking after our move to California from Florida I was naturally thinking a lot about whether this would turn out to be the best for us and whether I could handle being 3500 miles away from ALL of our friends and family. Well, I decided to put on some music while I unpacked and what do you think the very 1st song that played was? Yep! "The Best is Yet to Come"! And as it played I unpacked the box that just happened to have our wedding photo on top! It was the 1st thing to hang in our new home. And it really turned out to be true. We are loving life here and can't wait to raise a child in California. And then last night, the day I O'd, Chad put on Pandora and the VERY 1st song on was again "The Best Is Yet to Come"!

Oh and this Wednesday marks 7 years of Chad and I as a couple, which means our 8th year together starts this week. 8 is my lucky number, not really a sign but still adds to my overall good vibes!

I am sure I will find plenty more signs as the 2ww goes on. I just can't help it!

Yes of course I know logically that anyone can take any mundane moment and make it all about them or make it fit their needs if they want to, but that doesn't mean I can't see these moments as reasons to hope. I am a dreamer by nature and my childlike belief in magic, wishing on stars, and gold at the end of the rainbow is something I could never give up. Sure I have no proof that the universe is giving me messages, but I also have no proof that it isn't.

So what about you? What good signs has the universe given you? I am really interested in hearing about your moments of serendipity. The song the radio played just for you or the fortune cookie that was surely destined to wind up in your take-out. There are signs everywhere! Share yours!