Virtual Hugger

If you and I have chatted online via blog or twitter, there is a very good chance I have given you virtual hugs, lots of them. I am a BIG hugger in real life and as it turns out, I love to hug online as well. So often, I just want to reach through cyberspace and hug my pals, whether it is to show my support and be there for them when they are down or to celebrate with them when they are happy. I know I say it constantly, but I really do care about the people I have met through this journey. I may not have met many of you in real life, but that doesn't mean my love for you isn't real.

So when Krissi at Stress Free Infertility gave me a "Virtual Hugger Award", I wanted to share the love, just like I do with those great big, squishy cyber-hugs I love so much! I have never been one to track my blog's page views or comments but when I used the widget to find out who my top commenters were, I quickly recognized a list of people who have been so supportive to me and have definitely given me many much appreciated virtual hugs (and even a few real life ones from a couple of commenters!) Thank you all so much for being so supportive throughout my journey. And to those that have only commented once or twice, you too have made a huge difference to me during the moments I needed it, and I thank you so much for that!

Virtual Hugger Award Rules:

1. Thank the person who gave it to you (and link back)
2. Give 3 Reasons why you LOVE comments and want them to keep on coming!
3. Award your top 10 commenters and tell them they won the award! (*Most blogger software has widgets/plugins that can figure out who they are!)

OK! I LOVE comments because they:

1. Make me smile!
   
2. Give me much needed love and support
   
3. Help me to meet new friends and their blogs
   

Here are my top 10 commenters:

1. Tiffany from PCOS Success!
   
2. Katie from From IF to When
   
3. Lisa from 3 Cats and A Baby
4. Ashley from Stealing Baby Kisses
   
5. Amy from Miracle Made
   
6. Jody from Growing with the Gimlins
   
7. Holly from Golly-Holly
   
8. T from Inconceivable Journey
   
9. Jen from After The Alter
   
10. Tillie from A Nuttier Life
    

Thank you to all my commenters! And keep on spreading the love and hugs!

Looking Both Ways

4 months! My baby girl is 4 months old today. I know I have said it before but I will say it again, I am just in awe of her very existence and I can't believe how fortunate I am to have her in my life. All day I couldn't help but think about where I was and where she was, one year ago today.

As many of you know, my pregnancy with Snow Pea was the result of a frozen embryo transfer that took place after the miscarriage of my first pregnancy with Sprout from a fresh cycle of IVF. During that pregnancy I rode an emotional roller coaster of beta tests followed by a round of ultrasounds that revealed no heartbeat. It was devastating and heartbreaking. Which is why I didn't exactly shout from the rooftops when I learned I was pregnant the second time. I was hopeful and still very happy of course, but I was also very cautious. In the weeks following my BFP, I went in for the normal beta tests, which were much less rocky and emotional than the previous tests, but still neither Chad or I allowed ourselves to fall in love with this pregnancy as we did with the first one. We didn't coin a nickname or do anything else that make us feel "too attached".

I barely even remember those early days in the pregnancy. I remember the phone call telling me I was pregnant and the initial joy I felt, but all of the betas and phone calls after that have faded. It wasn't until the 1st ultrasound, one year ago today, that my pregnancy really felt real. I remember that day vividly and always will. It was the day we saw our sweet baby's heartbeat for the very first time and we knew she was there, really there, living and growing. It was the day our frozen blastie officially became our "Snow Pea". I will never forget Chad's insistence that he would still feel disconnected from the pregnancy even if the u/s went well and his quick retraction as we held each other in the parking lot crying tears of joy. Of course I could reminiscence all day about the amazing moment I first saw my daughter's flickering heartbeat, but I have more to get to so if you want to read the original post from last year, you can find it here.

Today it has been precisely one year since I saw that gorgeous flicker on the ultrasound screen. On that day she was the size of a lentil bean, barely visible but for the flash of white that was her heartbeat. Now it has been exactly 4 months since she was born and Eliana is far from a lentil bean, weighing in at 15lbs 6oz and measuring 24.75 inches, she's my cuddly baby girl. And size isn't the only growth she's done this month. She has also been mastering her grabbing and holding skills and has gotten very good at picking things up as well as transferring them between hands. She can stay on her tummy much longer now too, holding up her head and chest and has even rolled from tummy to back a few times!

She is discovering new sounds she can make and she likes to make them often. She coos, she squeals, she shrieks and she screams almost only when she is happy but occasionally when she's not. And she laughs! Oh those baby giggles are one of the sweetest sounds I have ever heard, right on par with the sound of her miraculous in utero heartbeat. Chad and I love to make total fools out of ourselves for her amusement with silly faces and goofy noises. We will do just about anything to hear Ellie Bellie's delighted laughter. At four months she is accomplishing so much and is on the brink of so many more new things. Soon she will be eating new foods, babbling new baby noises and as I watch her squirm and inch toward toys while she's on her tummy, I know she will also be moving even more in the month ahead. Today, I can't help but look at back and see how far she has come, from teeny frozen blastie to chubby giggling baby, and I also can't stop from looking forward and excitedly waiting for all of the amazing milestones to come!

Adventures in Babysitting

This past Saturday was a milestone day for not only Snow Pea, but for Chad and myself as well. After 3 months and 3 weeks of parenthood we left our daughter with someone other than one of us for the very first time. Up until this Saturday, I had had some alone time, as had Chad and we have had family dates, which have been nice. Eliana is an easy going baby for the most part and we have been able to take her with us to visit with friends, enjoy restaurant dinners and even see drive-in movies. But as great as that is (and it really is really great) Chad and I have not really been alone together at all since she was born.

For most first time parents, the first sitter is usually a family member. Grandparents or aunts and uncles are always begging for the chance for some baby alone time and offer to give mom and dad a break in the process. Unfortunately for us though, the closest family members either Chad or I have right now are 1500 miles away and most are even further away, so that hasn't been an option for us. Of course, both sets of parents and all of our siblings have come to visit, but we get such a short amount of time with them and we want to soak up every second we do get.

That's not to say no one wants to spend time with our precious girl for an hour or two, it's just a little harder to leave her for the first time with someone other than those immediate family members. It also doesn't help that the majority of those babysitting offers are for us to bring her to them, which is not only overwhelming for us with having to pack up all her stuff to drop her off, but also for her because she not only has to spend 3 hours with a new person, she is also forced into a whole new environment. I have been really nervous about how the first babysitter experience would affect both Eliana and me so even though I have been dying for some alone time with Chad, I've kept pushing it back.

But this past weekend it was finally time. A co-worker/friend of Chad's has been pleading to be surrogate grandma/babysitter since she found out we were TTC as she knows we don't have family here. She has been a supportive person in our lives and on our journey. As an IF & IVF survivor and an adoptive parent, she has provided us with a lot of guidance and support and is incredibly trustworthy. And now that her two kids are too grown up to be considered children anymore but not grown up enough yet to have their own children, she is dying to spoil our little one. So Saturday night we packed up the diaper bag, rolled up the play mat and headed out the door.

We are both huge Harry Potter fans and have read the books multiple times. The movies aren't quite as big of a deal to either of us but that doesn't mean I didn't want to see the very last one in theaters if I could, and of course I wanted to see it with my favorite fellow fan. We researched the times, mapped out Eliana's routine for the day and made it to D's house just as she was waking up from a nap and in the best possible mood. Once we got there, we got her changed and fed and gave some simple instructions on what to expect over the next 3 hours, then set off for the theater.

My stomach was fluttering with nerves as we walked out. It felt so weird to be in the car without her. You know that feeling when something that should be with you isn't and you feel naked? Well this was like that except I felt more like I was missing an arm. I didn't cry or freak out about leaving her. But I missed her the second we were gone. We both did.

We still enjoyed the movie and our alone time though. We had popcorn, we sat through the previews and the credits (something I always do-yes, I'm odd) we laughed, we held hands, and enjoyed being on a real date. I did make Chad keep his phone out the entire movie and kept insisting he check it every so often, just in case, but no calls ever came and for the most part we relaxed and had fun. I am proud to say we didn't even panic and call as soon as the movie ended. Chad checked in by text then we sat down to talk over a quick dinner and some coffee. It was a lot like our pre-baby date nights. Except that it didn't feel anything like it did pre-baby because although we were having fun, we were both excited to get back to our little girl.

As we walked up to the house we could hear everyone inside chatting happily and we smiled as it seemed that things had gone well. But the instant she saw our faces, Eliana lost it. She was crying hysterically, and it was not a cry we had ever heard before. It was not "I'm hungry" "I'm bored" or her personal favorite "I'm tired". This cry was an emotional one. She missed us. She was sad that we were gone. It broke my heart to hear her sob like that I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her close the whole way home. Of course common sense and car seat laws kept me from doing that, but I sat in the backseat with her the whole ride home as she hugged tightly onto my hand refused to let go, even as she drifted off into a fitful sleep. Once we got her home and into her comfort zone, we could visibly see the relief and contentment on her face as we cuddled her. She relaxed right back into her familiar surroundings and smiled and cooed at us a few times before getting a good night's sleep.

D said Eliana did pretty well while we were gone that night. She played, had a bottle and enjoyed all the attention she was getting, but she did have a hard time napping, I think largely because she was in a new environment. I felt so guilty seeing my poor girl so tired and emotional. So Chad and I have agreed that the next time we have anyone babysit, we will try to have it be at our house, that way even though the faces will be new at least the rest of her world will be the same. And even though I am still a little nervous, we are going for it again this weekend!

Two good friends of ours, a married couple that doesn't have kids yet, offered to come to our place to spend time with Snow Pea while we go out. So thanks to their kindness and generosity, we are trying again, this time to see Bill Cosby perform at the county fair. I am both nervous and excited. Since they are coming here I feel like I will better be able to prepare them and keep Snow Pea in her routine, not to mention I think I will be better able to prepare myself and calm my nerves. And if the nerves do happen to creep in while we're out, hopefully Bill can keep me laughing. Wish us luck!

My Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

I have about 4 blog drafts on various topics and events sitting waiting to be written and I have every hope that I will actually sit down and write out at least one of them this week, but right now I can't stop staring at my sweet girl. And when I can't stare directly at her, I love to watch the millions of videos we've taken of her so far. Especially this latest one. She is discovering so many new things as she approaches the 4 month mark, the most heart melting of which is documented in this video.



I love watching her drift off into dreamland, and her new thumb discovery is not only cute, it's been a great help in getting her to sleep. She still wants her pacifier most nights when we lay her down, but now when it falls out she has discovered that her thumb makes a great substitute. That it's absolutely adorable entertainment for me is just a bonus. Every time I watch her sleep I can't help but wonder about the dreams that are filling her head. Whatever they are, I hope they are nothing but sweet.

Seeing the Signs

I can't believe how much my little Snow Pea is changing every day! She is developing new skills and I am seeing lots of signs. Specifically, signs that's it's time to start baby signs! Eliana is getting more and more aware of the world around her and is also becoming more vocal about it. She "talks" to everything she sees: me, Daddy, her mobile, her play mat and even her changing table. With this new found awareness of the world, she has also become even more aware of her hands and is constantly watching them and moving them to see just how much they're capable of. Her favorite thing is, of course, grabbing rattles and rings that hang in front of her or grasping onto her blankets and bibs promptly pulling everything into her mouth. But sometimes she simply twists her hands and fingers into different configurations, watching closely to see just what these amazing appendages of hers are capable of. And now I am thinking about what they're capable of too!

I have read a few of books, attended a new mom group that covered some signing basics and best of all I received a hand made sign instruction kit from my fabulous sister in law, who teaches a baby sign course (you can find the Facebook page for her class "Signing Fun for Babies" here) So I know the basics. Now I just need to get started.

I have decided to start simply and think about the words I say to her on a daily basis and begin incorporating the signs for those things when I say them. What I didn't realize however, is that many of these common words and phrases have different signs associated with them and I would have to decide which ones to use. There is a difference between American Sign Language and baby signs. Because many of the ASL signs are too intricate or detailed for an infant's little hands, many of the ASL signs have been modified to make them simpler. The problem is that depending on what resource you turn to to learn these modified versions, you will get slightly different signs.After researching video dictionaries on some of these words, I am opting to use signs that seem the simplest to understand and repeat with favoritism toward the signs closest to ASL signs. And what I am learning when using your hands to communicate with your baby, the most important factor is your baby. If can use whatever hand gesture I want to teach her to communicate with me. And if she modifies or makes one up herself that's great too! No two babies will sign the same and that's OK. Which is great because I am always afraid I am doing it wrong.

Tomorrow is my official signing start day. After doing some reading and listening to some words of wisdom of the matter, it seems that it will be best for us to start with just a few signs that we can repeat over and over and slowly expand our vocabulary. So Chad and I will be consistently focusing on signing things that are not only relevant to Eliana's daily life but things that are repeated throughout her day many times. The words I want to start with are milk, more, all done, Mommy, Daddy and star. "Star" may seem like the odd word out on a list that includes many basic daily experiences, but she is surrounded by the heavenly, five pointed shapes in her nursery everyday, and they have quickly become her favorite thing to look at. She also LOVES hearing me sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" even calming from mid scream to giggles when I sing it, so I plan to begin signing it as I sing every time from now on.

I am so excited to get started! I know most babies don't sign on their own until about 7 months or later, but my niece did her first sign at 4 months and even if Eliana waits until 10 months or a year to talk with her hands, I still feel like this will be providing our family with a valuable communication tool. I adore having "cooing" conversations with my baby already where she coos, babbles and squeals in response to my voice and now I am looking forward to talking to her even more in a new, fun way!

Got Milk? Who Cares?

I have been looking at my life a lot lately and savoring the many things I have going for me. And while much of what I have has come from a lot of work, effort and patience on my part, I still can't believe the miracle of having my sweet, perfect daughter is here smiling at me right now. I certainly didn't do anything extraordinary to deserve her. Sure I charted, I OPKd, I timed, I payed thousands of dollars to receive hundreds of shots, I cried, I lost, I hurt, I prayed and I hoped but did I really do anything anyone else in my position hasn't done? No, absolutely not.

So why am I here while so many of my deserving sisters in the IF community are still hurting from prolonged adoptions, BFNs and tragic losses? Not because these things are meant to or not meant to be or because I have good karma and they don't. I still struggle daily with infertility "survivor's guilt" knowing that so many people that I love dearly are still hurting and hoping for their time to come. I don't believe I am somehow more worthy of motherhood or somehow think I am somehow a better person than someone just because I have made the choice to be a parent and have been lucky enough to be able to do so. And the same goes for the choices I make as a parent, I don't believe mine are "right" and someone else's are "wrong".

I have been a mom for 3 and a half months, and with the exception of the first night in the hospital when Snow Pea was away from me in the nursery for observation, I have been fortunate enough to be able to breastfeed exclusively since she was born. I am very grateful that it has, for the most part, come easily to me and my daughter, but I don't take credit for it and I don't believe I am somehow superior because of it.

I am sure it is no secret to any of you that breastfeeding is a huge hot button issue. People are constantly throwing in their two cents on whether or not to do it, if it's ok to do it in public, whether it should be scheduled or "on demand" and what you're doing "wrong" if it doesn't go well. I have talked to friends and family members who have fallen on every side of all of these concerns and I have come to realize that breastfeeding carries with it so many of the same emotions and feelings as infertility.

One of the great gifts infertility has given me is gratitude. Of course, having struggled to become a mom, I don't take being one for granted, not for a second. And having learned that lesson with my fertility, I also realize how much my ability to nurse is something to be grateful for, something I got lucky with. So far, I have not had any trouble with supply or pain or infection and it has been pretty simple and painless for both Eliana and me. She is gaining weight perfectly and has even taken easily to a bottle of pumped milk anytime we offer it to her. But I don't think I did anything special to make any of this happen and I am also aware that it could all change at any time. Yes, I work at it and it can take a lot out of me, but that doesn't mean I have any control over it. I also worked hard to take my temperature every morning and chart my ovulation but I will never get pregnant without ART no matter how much work I put into it. It's just not something I can control. And just as someone who got pregnant on their first try is no more deserving of motherhood, I am no better at at it than friends who have had struggled with milk supply or who simply chose not to breastfeed for whatever reason. We all love our kids and we are all taking the best possible care of them in whatever form or fashion best suits our families.

I have seen and heard the hurt that comes from some of my friends who couldn't or have chosen not to breastfeed for whatever reason, and it reminds me so much of the pain of infertility. They seem to experience so many of the same emotions. And for those who struggled with IF before becoming parents, it can be even harder. There are similar feelings of helplessness, loss, and inadequacy. If you want to do it and can't, you can feel robbed of what you envisioned as a sacred experience and a rite of womanhood. If you choose not to breastfeed or become a mother without experiencing the hormonal changes of pregnancy and birth to trigger milk production, as in the case of adoption, you can feel completely left out by the rest of the boob-obsessed world we seem to live in. And in either situation guilt is lobbed at you in heaps. It all too often seems to make women feel like failures at motherhood if they don't breastfeed, just as I felt like a failure at womanhood when I couldn't get pregnant.

Being infertile, I highly value having relationships with others in my shoes that can relate, but I also have a great appreciation for my fertile friends and family that truly empathize with my experiences, those that acknowledge that they aren't somehow more deserving of being parents just because it happened easily for them. And in that same vein, I think it is important for me to acknowledge that no matter how hard I worked to get here or what choices that I make now that I have arrived, there is no amount of money I've spent, tears I've cried, shots I've received or milk I've produced that makes me a good or bad mother. I am a great mom because I love my child and I make choices every day that reflect that. I don't have control over many things, but loving her unconditionally and supporting everyone else that does the same for their families, that I can do.

3 Months of Happy Tears

Snow Pea is 3 months old! Can you believe it? I certainly can't. And 3 months means the supposed "4th trimester" is at an end and my baby is no longer considered "brand new". It is all at once thrilling to think about all the growth and development that is on the horizon for her and bittersweet to say goodbye to her newborn status. It is a lot like when Chad and I were married for over a year and stopped being referred to as "newlyweds". We were excited to be a "real" married couple but it was still hard to say farewell to that shiny, glowing newness.

Saying goodbye to my daughter's brand newness definitely has its pluses though in the form of the trust she has in us. If you ever heard of "The Happiest Baby on the Block" you will have heard about the 4th trimester and the 5 S's used to soothe babies during this transition from life in the womb to life in the big, wide world. Basically, parents re-create the comforts and security of their child's life In Utero. Eliana has responded well to swaddling and white noise for comfort since day one and I am noticing now that she has learned to trust these things. She knows when she hears the crashing waves on her sound machine that it is time for sleep and thanks to this we have been able to soothe her to dreamland even when we are out and about and she needs to nap in her stroller or an unfamiliar new place.

In addition to providing the soothing comforts of lots of cuddles and kisses these past three months, we have also provided our Snow Pea with a routine that she has become very secure in. Not only does her routine give me a guideline to help structure my day, I can tell that she gets a lot of comfort from knowing what is coming next. Notice I didn't say schedule. We by no means follow a clock or force her to wait an hour to eat if she's hungry or wake her up if she's sleeping. But for our family, feeding her after waking, followed by playtime and then sleep has worked very well. I am by no means saying that my way is the best way or the only way, just that it's what our daughter has done these past three months and that she seems to really thrive with it. And thrive she has! She's now weighing in at 14 pounds and measuring 24 inches which puts her in about the 75th percentile and slowly into a new wardrobe of 3-6 month clothes.

Of course new outfits aren't the only milestones she's begun reaching in her third month. She has also become more and more vocal, making lots of cooing and trilling sounds every chance she gets. I could listen to those sweet sounds all day long! And it's clear that she is often "talking" to us with the way she makes eye contact and responds when we speak to her. It is incredible to see how Chad and I really are the center of her world and although she smiles and talks at almost every one she meets, there is a special level of communication reserved just for us. She even seems to have favorite songs and stories that she likes to hear from us. I don't know how I stumbled on it but if she's crying and I sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", she calms down immediately and is all smiles. She also loves hearing "Goodnight Moon" and watches the pictures intently as I turn the pages. She has even been chuckling and giggling every once in a while, but it's still not quite consistent and we're still waiting to capture the first true belly laughs. I can tell they are close though and I can't wait to hear them!

As for big physical milestones, she's showing no interest in rolling over or being mobile yet, but she has started tolerating tummy time now that she is able to lift her head, chest and shoulders off the mat. It's incredible to see how much stronger she gets every day! And on the 4th of July, just in time for her 3 month mark, she completed her first grab! Of course, the tragic part of this is that I just happened to be in the shower when it happened. It really isn't fair! I am home with her every day, all day and in the ten minutes I'm away to finally wash my hair and shave my legs while she hangs out with her daddy, she goes and does something exciting for the very first time! Luckily, Chad captured the entire thing on video and I of course have watched it over and over again. If you're interested you can see it too! Just click here. It's a bit long so you might want to skip through a bit but I highly recommend watching at about the one minute mark. Too cute!

I really can't believe she has been here three months, almost as much as I can't believe that I am somehow worthy to be mom to such an amazing little person. I keep thinking back to the years before she came into our lives and all of the hell and pain we experienced trying to become parents, and I know without a doubt that it was all completely worth it. I would do it all again and more for her. As much hurt as I have felt and as intense as the emotions of infertility still are sometimes, they come nowhere near the intensity of the love I have for her. During the 3 years we spent struggling to become parents, I cried more tears of heartbreak than I thought possible. Now in just 3 months, I think I have cried just as many tears of happiness. Thank you, Snow Pea.