Heart to Heart

Yesterday was the 1st ultrasound and I am thrilled to tell you, WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!

Chad and I were both incredibly scared and nervous on the way to the clinic yesterday afternoon. Neither of us could imagine this appointment going very well because we don't know anything different. Our last experience with pregnancy taught us that ultrasound = bad news. I almost lost it in the car when "Imagine" by John Lennon came on, the song we had both felt was Sprout's song, I was so afraid this ultrasound would be a repeat of that one.

It felt like we sat in that little room staring at wandy for a million years waiting for Dr Jedi. We hugged and took a deep breath, both grateful that neither of us had anywhere to be after this appointment. I told him all about the amazing support I had been getting from friends, family and twitter all day, about all the incredible people that were waiting and hoping with us. He echoed my feelings when he said how great it was to know we had so many people out there rooting for us.

Dr Jedi finally came in with total confidence that everything would be great this time. He had no doubts that everything would be perfect and after starting the u/s he immediately confirmed that things looked great. We have one little one with a great sized gestational sac and well formed yolk sac. Then he pointed out the most lovely sight of all- the perfect, tiny, hyper speed flutter of a heartbeat! He said it is still too tiny for him to accurately count beats per minute but that in his opinion it looks very fast and strong just like it should. He was a bit shocked that there was only one sac with my high beta numbers but we all agreed the high numbers were a great thing anyway.

He let us watch the heartbeat a bit more and I was almost speechless with relief and joy. He kept asking if we had any questions, but I could barely make my mouth work let alone remember anything important to ask. Dr. Jedi kept smiling me and telling me I did it. I reminded him that he helped. The force really is with him, I swear. I looked at Chad who had tears in his eyes from sheer overwhelming relief and just smiled at him in disbelief.

We scheduled our next ultrasound for next Wednesday at which we should be able to see more growth and get a bpm count on the heartbeat. As we left the nurse all came by with huge smiles to congratulate us and one remarked that I had a pregnancy glow.

After we left we started to call our families to tell them the great news but I, being slow to experience the big emotional moments, needed to pause as the reality of everything washed over me and tears came to my eyes. I am really, truly pregnant! There is a tiny heart inside my body besides mine that is beating and growing. This could all really happen. We could actually become parents! This dream could really come true, I could really be a mom! It just seems too good to really be true!

Of course, now that it is more real I have the need to call my little one something other than "it". Chad dubbed the blasts we transferred our snowflakes but he has since said he didn't feel a strong connection to that name. We agreed that since one little snowflake has successfully spouted into a healthy little bean, we needed a more appropriate name. So may I introduce our little Snow Pea!

The round almost circle is the yolk sac and Snow Pea is a tiny little flicker right underneath that. I still just can't believe it. I can't believe this is really happening inside my body, that there is an actual person growing in there, an actual person that is half me and half Chad, an actual person that we will one day hold and kiss and take care of. After over 3 years of trying and hoping and losing and hurting can this really be happening? It's just so unreal, I can't seem to get my brain to work properly and fully comprehend everything right now. Luckily though my heart, just like Snow Pea's, is working just fine.