Thursday, April 7, 2011

Evicting My Heart

It's official, Snow Pea has been served a request to vacate. I met with my doctor yesterday and reviewed the current situation. Snow Pea is currently in perfect position and I am dilated about 2cm. The amniotic fluid levels are currently safe but they are definitely on the decline. Because of this, and because we know without a doubt exactly how long I have been pregnant to the minute thanks to FET, Chad, my doctor and I have agreed that if she does not come on her own sooner, I will be admitted to the hospital at 12am on Saturday the 9th to begin the official eviction process. This is not a decision we are making lightly. We have reviewed all the different aspects of what is entailed and reasons to do it versus not, and I truly feel that this is the right choice for us and our baby.

Of course, I am still holding out a bit of hope that she will surprise us all and come on her own before tomorrow night, but I am at peace with the knowledge that either way my sweet baby girl will be in my arms before the weekend is over. It is also incredibly surreal though to have this knowledge though. Part of me feels like a kid the day before Christmas, so excited and giddy and in awe of the day that is about to be here. And another part of me is becoming very sentimental and wistful. My pregnancy is nearly at an end. I truly will miss it. This has been the most magical and wonderful nine months of my life and I have wanted it for so very long. As much as I want to hold my daughter in my arms, I will so miss feeling her inside my tummy. I will miss her hiccups and feeling her kick when Chad reads to her. I will miss rubbing my hand over my belly, knowing that she is on the other side. I am thrilled and honored that I get to be her mommy for the rest of my life, but I also know that I will never be pregnant with her again. As excited as I am to say hello to her and to motherhood, I am a bit sad to say goodbye to pregnancy. Even if I have other children one day, this special time with this special child will never come again. Which, now that I think about it, is a feeling I will experience for the rest of my life. Each milestone she reaches in her life will probably feel a lot like this. I will be over the moon excited to hear her first words and see her first steps, but it will also be bittersweet because it will mark a transition from a stage of her life that I won't get to do over.

Which is why I am taking today to really celebrate my pregnancy and the joy of having my Snow Pea here in my belly, closer than she will ever physically be to me again. I'm taking walks and talking to her as I do, telling her all about the world that is waiting for her. I am rubbing my tummy every chance I get and stopping at every reflective surface I pass to marvel at my pregnant body. After 9 months, I still can't believe it is my reflection I am seeing when I look into a mirror and see a round belly there. I feel so incredibly grateful to be where I am and still don't quite understand what I did to get so lucky. I'm just overwhelmed with love and gratitude for this pregnancy and my daughter.

In addition to being rather emotional and weepy, I am trying to also be responsible and take advantage of these last pre-baby hours. Tomorrow, Chad is taking a half day from work and we are planning to re-pack and be sure we know where everything is, enjoy a meal together, see a movie and take a really good, long nap. I am also planning to take the longest shower in history, because next to sleep, this is one thing all new mothers seem to miss most. I am also wracking my brain to think of any other errands, chores or fun activities I should do now while it is still possible. If you have any other suggestions or things you wish you had done those last days before baby, please feel free to share!

Right now, sitting alone in my house, quietly writing this blog, I keep thinking about how different life will be soon and I can't quite wrap my head around it. Things will never be the same. I will not be able to think of only myself anymore, or be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, like sitting here in the middle of the day, aimlessly writing a blog with no distractions or interruptions. Even though pregnancy requires you to think about the life inside you and it effects the choices you make, I know it will be nothing compared to motherhood. This morning when I woke up, I could still roll over and hit snooze, but I won't be able to do that with a crying baby. Far beyond things like that however, I know my heart will never be the same. I already love this child so much more than I ever could have imagined or explain. And even though she hasn't been born yet, I know that the saying about being a parent is to have your heart walking outside your body is true. My love for my daughter has already forever changed me and I can't wait to tell her how much I love her face to face.

17 comments:

Jody said...

Praying that she makes her appearance before Saturday. :) But regardless, I hope everything goes smoothly. Can't wait to hear about her arrival!

sunnymama said...

Oh my! This is such a beautiful post and I am crying tears of happiness. So very happy for you and Snow Pea and so pleased you will soon get to meet each other! :) xx

Jennifer Gilbert Settle said...

Your post gave me chills & I think that every mom out there can relate. Your words are so eloquent & perfect & I only wish I had thought to write all of those "I will miss" moments down. If you have time tonight, make a few casseroles (chicken pot pie, chicken and rice casserole, lasagna, etc) to put in the freezer. These are the BEST types of meals for a hectic day. Otherwise, just continue to take it all in. Moments go all too quickly & before you have time to turn around, she'll be rolling over and cooing. Best of luck with everything on Saturday, if not before!! :)

manymanymoons said...

Wishing you all the best. I know everything will go smoothly and you'll have that little one in your arms safe and sound in no time.

Stacy said...

Soooo beyond excitied for you. I can't wait to see a picture of her. I wish you and your hubby a wonderful experience. best of luck and congrats!!!!

missohkay said...

I don't think I've ever read a blogger who seemed more appreciative of her pregnancy, and that makes me smile (and cry a little too). Congrats mama, the time is almost here!

Stephanie said...

So excited for you! I'm glad you both get to take this time to be together and reflect on your time as a couple before you meet your beautiful daughter. I hope everything goes well and can't wait to hear all about it!!

Ashley said...

I'm so happy for you! Praying for a safe weekend. And yes take a nice long nap and shower and go to a movie. All things that I don't really get to do/enjoy anymore. Totally absolutely worth it and I wouldn't change it for anything. But yes enjoy! :)

AL said...

Beautiful post, Holly! i'm so excited for you to meet your little girl!

Tiffany said...

This is soooooo exciting!!! Enjoy it all because before you know it, they will be 5 months old and teething!!! (yikes, that's where I am.) I pray for a smooth delivery for you. I cannot wait to hear the birth story and tons of pictures of course. Hugs for you and snow pea!

Courtney said...

You are such an amazing mama, Holly. I cannot wait for this precious little girl to be in your loving arms. *hugs*

Caitrin said...

How very, very exciting for you!! I wish you a safe and smooth delivery and cannot wait to see pictures of your precious girl!

Waiting Lisa said...

Wow, the time is finally here. I can't believe it.

Good call on the shower. Right now it's been 2 days since my last one, haha.

Amazing post. I am glad you wrote it so you will always remember.

This is such an exciting time. Enjoy it.

I'll be thinking of you constantly until I hear everything went well and little snow pea is here. SO EXCITED.

Holly said...

Beautifully written...you are going to be a great momma! I am so proud of you. Waiting for that call very soon. MY PHONE IS ON GO! I love you!!!

Anonymous said...

"telling her about the world that awaits her"

Man, i hope you told her how fucked up it is. That she will be born with 100+ toxins in her body from day one. That she will be born into slavery, she will need to learn the rules quick. That her country is in mass debt and invading countries, all to the slaves who watch on and do nothing. That most of her food will be toxic or worse, gmo foods shown to cause disease in lab rats. God knows what it does to humans. That by 2050 the water crisis will be out of control and wars will be fought for water. That by time she is old enough to realize what it is, the great coral reef will no longer exist. that she is lucky her mother was dumb enough to "create" her rather than adopt one of the millions of homeless orphans. That she was too selfish to do that but hey it could be worse. I guess she will just have to deal with being bullied for having the name "snow pea" and then get preggo as a teen and be a rebel, causing her parents hell. Karma if you will.

Enjoy your new child. :D

T said...

Well you have me crying...weeping like a baby actually. These are all the same feelings I have had the last few weeks.
As much as I cannot wait to meet my baby and finally have the baby in my arms, it makes me so sad that I will never feel the baby inside me ever again. This chapter is over.

So based on this post, you are holding your little angel right now. I cannot wait to hear all about it and to see pictures!

Jenny said...

AHAHAHAHAH someone seriously thought you named your baby Snow Pea. That cracks me up! :)

Congrats on your new baby (named Snow Pea of course!) She's beautiful and I'm so excited that you are a mommy.

I know that when Snow Pea is old enough to know, she will understand just how wanted she truly is.

Congratulations <3