Friday, July 23, 2010

Guarding My Heart

I don't really know if I should admit this but I don't have a good feeling about this FET cycle. I know I am supposed to be optimistic and positive but I just have a gut feeling that this will be a BFN. It's not that I am feeling defeated or trying to be negative, it just seems like one of those times when you just "know". I want this cycle to be it, but my intuition is saying otherwise.

With my IVF in March, I was of course nervous and excited and so many other emotions. I hoped for a positive result and tried to prepare myself for a negative, but somewhere in my heart I just had the feeling it would be a BFP. I was overjoyed when that hope and prediction came true. Then when it came time for the first ultrasound, I had this gut feeling that it wouldn't be good. I have never really talked about this, but the day before the u/s I just knew it wouldn't go well. I wasn't nearly as surprised by our bad news as I could have been because my instincts had warned me ahead of time.

Or at least I think it is my instincts. My good friend Lisa reminded me today that my doubts and fear aren't proof of anything. She said it is just my head trying to protect my heart. And she is right but what my head is missing is that my heart will hurt whether I am optimistic or not. And this got me thinking even more about instinct and intuition.

I have always been a believer in gut feelings but I am starting to really wonder if that belief is slightly misplaced. I mean I also used to think everything happened for a reason, but after all I have been through, I don't believe that anymore either. (a blog post for another time) There is a big push in the world around us to trust our guts, to live in connection with our intuitive nature and let it guide us, but honestly how often are our instincts really right? Do we just convince ourselves of their accuracy based on the times they are correct and conveniently forget when they're not? I wish there was a way to truly test my instincts.

Speaking of testing, I am going to go off topic here because I need some advice from my dear bloggy friends. To test or not to test. My beta is coming up and of course I have to do the blood work no matter what but I am starting to wonder if I should poas before my appt or not. Last time, I was too terrified of a BFN and I waited for the phone call from my RE's office. This time around, I know that a BFN could never be as devastating as the news of my miscarriage, so part of me just wants to get it over with. If my instincts are right and it is negative it seems like an HPT would allow me to rip off the band-aid in minutes instead of waiting hours for results to come in. Then again, do I really want wake up early and go to the RE's office already knowing I will be getting bad news? Any advice or first hand experiences would be so greatly appreciated on this!


As for my intuitive nature and my negative so-called instincts, I am doing my best to focus on the positives. I am reminding myself of the many stories I have heard first hand of those who just knew without a doubt in their minds that their cycle had failed only to be proven completely wrong when the day of truth finally came. If the scientific theories surrounding instinct have any bearing, instincts exist simply for the purpose of self preservation. We know to retreat from unseen danger, just as a squirrel runs from an oncoming car, to keep ourselves safe and protected. If this is the case, my instincts don't know the outcome of anything, they just know that the outcome has the potential to hurt me and is setting off those alerts to keep me as safe as possible. My brain is just doing it's job trying to protect my heart.


27 comments:

Waiting Lisa said...

I don't have advice about testing, but I know if it were me, I would not be able to resist testing. But that's just how I am. I already made Adam open his bday present and his birthday isn't until August 19.

Glad we talked today. Go ahead and protect your heart. I am doing all the hoping for you. We make a good team. :)

<3

bravingivf said...

*hugs*

I plan on waiting for the beta. I don't want to take a HPT and then second guess why it might not be showing the result I want. You know...?

For what it's worth, I'm not a big believer in intuition as far as this stuff goes. I would have bet serious money that my Jellybean was a girl, and would have lost. I do think staying positive is helpful, in terms of influencing your mood and maybe even your chemistry.

Last time I was afraid to hope, because I felt like that made me extra vulnerable. I don't know that that's true, and I'm very much hoping that this cycle I'm on will work.

And I'm hoping for you!

Michelle said...

To me, intuition is something that is indispensable when trying to decide what to *do" or who to *be*. We harness a powerful tool when we learn to pay attention to our intuition.

In the kind of situation you describe, where there's really nothing to *do* per se, I think you're right when you say it can be hard to distinguish "intuition" from your brain doing mental gymnastics to protect you. Sure, you may have a spidey sense about an outcome, but does it help to worry or to fear? I mean, you won't know until you know, right?

The trick, I think, is to be at peace with what is. Being present to it all, the pleasure and the pain, is where you'll find the strength to handle anything.

I wish you well. And what I wish for you most of all is to get the chance to use your mother's intuition someday very soon.

-Michelle (ICLW #144)

p.s. And thank you so much for your thoughtful comment.

Adam and Julia said...

Holly

I am in the 2ww right now too and am feeling the exact same things you are. I wish I could just be positive all the time, but I can't help the fear and depression and sadness that are creeping in. I suppose we guard our hearts to help us survive. This is one of the toughest things to ever go through, and to have t do it over and over again is simply not fair. I am here if you need a friend. I know I do. Try to stay strong and I will try to take my own advice too.

Caitrin said...

My thoughts and prayers will be with you during this time! While we may have not yet made it to IVF, we are slowly working towards that and with each month that passes without a BFP I start to question things like you've mentioned. I know there is nothing that anyone can say to take away the stress or frustration- I am at that point right now too- but keep your strength! The testing is the absolute worst- I always hate going in for the ultrasounds and staring at the screen, knowing that something does not look right :( I wish you the best of luck over the next couple of weeks!

Miracle in the Making said...

I just wanted to gove you hugs Holly. I have no advice on testing, and I think you should decide that in your own way. I agree with you about the "intuition" could really be your mind protecting yourself. *hugs* We are all here for you and love you and I am praying for your snowbabies every day!

Tiffany said...

Oh Holly, I'm so sorry you're feeling down about this. Two things: 1) I would have to poas. I just feel like being prepared and finding out the news at home with just me, my toilet, and my husband is the way to go. But I also understand those who have to wait because after all, HTP's can give you a false negative. 2) Intuition shmintuition. lol. I've had that feeling before, but do you alwasy realized that it's after you already know the answer that you say to yourself, "I knew it" I just think your mind is playing games with you, and I don't blame it. It's a stressful time. Just hang in there!

Erin said...

I always tested before my betas. Since I would always get the phone call while I was still at work (in my classroom), I felt like seeing that negative at home in the morning helped me to be prepared to hear it later in the day. Of course, it still hurt like hell, but I felt like I could anticipate it better. That being said, the day that I got a positive pee stick, I was sick to my stomach the entire day....so, I don't know if that was any better!

Good luck!

kezzer83 said...

It is sooo hard to stay positive all the time, but just go with how your feeling if your not feeling positive dont beat yourself up about its only natural to have so many feelings good and bad. As for doing a test well that is a personal choice, i remember wanting to know but then also thinking well if its negative i want to keep believing for as long as poss?? keep strong :) Ow and i was very negative all te way through with my FET couldnt keep postive sure it wasnt going to work....and it did xx

Krissi said...

I've been there but it really is up to you in the end...here's the post of my experience: http://stressfreeinfertilityblog.com/2010/03/17/hpts-to-test-or-not-to-test/
Good luck!!

ryansmom said...

Hey Holly, I'm new to your blog. I came across it by way of blog hopping. I'm so happy I did because I finally found someone who is going through the same thing I am. Aug. 5 will be my FET.

In Jan. 2010 I did my first IVF cycle. I did a HPT the day before I went for the blood work. I wanted to prepare myself ahead of time for a negative result. After the blood test I had to go to work and I knew everyone would be wondering. I didn't want to cry in front of them so I got all my tears out the night before. If by chance the blood work said something different I would be pleasantly surprised. The nurses asked if I was going to wait for the results and I said no, I was pretty sure it was BFN from the home test.

I was then able to start thinking about our future plans with the FET. I give you a lot of credit for continuing to blog about it. I was so devastated after last time that I chose not to blog or tell family and friends that we were even doing the FET.

I will keep you in my prayers. Best wishes and nice to meet you~ Lisa

Ashlee G. said...

I don't have any advice but I hope that your instincts are wrong and you get the positive that you deserve.

Hang in there,

ICLW #50

Sarah S said...

I would say test, and then you know what to expect.

I always trust my gut as well, but I hope in this case your mind is just protecting your heart and not your intuition.

Good luck!!

ICLW #97

T said...

I agree with your friend. I think these doubts is your way of protecting your heart.
As far ar POAS, I always wait to hear the beta. I figure if I POAS and it is negative I am still going to have hope that it was too soon, so what is the point.
Good luck in what you choose. I am praying this is finally it for you two.

mommyinwaiting said...

Holly I am stopping by from ICLW. I agree with your friend that bad feelings are not facts, so try to hold onto hope if you can, and know that being negative doesn't actually protect your heart it just keeps the hope under control. As for as the evil POAS - stay away - they are evil, rather hear the news from your nurse she knows how to give it to you gently no matter what it is!

Wishin gyou the best outcome.

Jen @ After The Alter said...

I'm so sorry Holly...I don't have much advice, but what I would want to say is to wait for the Beta...what would I really do?? probably test. It's very hard not too...but just know that intuition isnt everything and it certainly doesn't mean things will go bad. Hang in there. lots of hugs

Erica said...

I am having that same dilemma. To test at home or not? I have serious issues with Oing I have had an O twice in the last year. I am on one of 2 hail mary cycles before I do IVF (I overstim on injectables). I will probably test. I don't want to, but I probably will.

ICLW #40

wifey said...

It's probably best not to test, but I know I wouldn't be able to resist the stick.

Best of luck to you. I hope your instincts are off about this cycle!

theworms said...

Thanks so much for stopping by.

I wait for beta, I hate - HPT's and like to live with hope for as long as possible.

GL

Robin said...

Thanks so much for commenting on my blog. I am getting ready to go down this road myself and I'm scared to death.

As far as testing or not... I have always waited for my beta because I know I will have to go in and have it done anyway, no matter what I find out at home. I'm also the type who waits until Christmas morning to open my presents also, so.. it may be related to that.

Best of luck... and try not to be too down on your odds. I know its scary to let hope seep in, but you never know.

Robin
ICLW #151 Http://lookingformykeys.blogspot.com

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Visiting from ICLW. Hello. *Wave*

As far as the Hpt's, I feel like, damned if do, damned if you don't.

I have had a BFN after IVF, and I was glad I knew in advance.

And then I had A BFP after IVF, and was glad I took the test because I only got one day of joy out of it until they started suspecting ectopic.

So... basically anything hpt says you can't trust until beta anyways, but I don't regret taking them either. Do what your gut tells you in the moment. Just don't test too early!

hopeisafourletterword said...

Stopping by from ICLW, hoping your next post is about your BFP!

~ICLW 110

Heather said...

Stopping by from ICLW. I'm keeping everything crossed that you get a BFP.

Take care.

infertilefollies said...

I think we all learn to guard our hearts in different ways; it's the only way we can deal with all this. I agree that we can't always trust those instincts, and I hope this one of yours is wrong!

As for testing... I haven't been there yet, but I really do think I would end up testing. But I would use the dollar store test to save money! Ha ha ha...

Best of luck to you!

---Happy ICLW---

Bummed Uterus said...

I think gut feelings are more often true than not. Except when it comes to TTC. We let our minds dwell in so much doubt that it is hard to be impartial to them. So here's to hoping that just this once, your instinct is dead wrong!

StolenEggs said...

As for testing... I'm a test-a-holic so I know what I would do (and what I already started doing even though it's too early). But everyone has to make their own decisions about that.

But you raise an excellent point about intuition. How to tell the difference between intuition and wishful thinking/protecting your heart? I'm wrestling with that right now myself.

But I'll send all my positive thoughts your way and hope this cycle surprises you.

Iam veRONIque said...

May the next month be the month of answered prayer for you. God Bless.