Wordless Wednesday: So True

The 4 C's: Cramps, Crankiness, Cravings & Crazies

I wish I had an update that AF had arrived, but no such luck. And it seems that all of this waiting has made me a little crazy, envisioning AF as less of an "aunt" and more of an evil trickster faerie that enjoys toying with me.

Today it seems that she has doused me with her infamous mood swing dust. I have gone from almost smiling to all out ugly cry face in 30 seconds flat this afternoon, and not for any significant reason. I was also irrationally annoyed and snappy with Chad yesterday. This could be a good sign, right? I'll be honest, it has been easy to push me to the emotional edge these past two months, I mean it's not like you have to push far- I live pretty close to that edge lately, but still I do feel a bit more hormonally moody today. I also have had some intense junk and chocolate cravings. A fudge brownie sundae sounds like a great dinner option right now. And maybe I am just imagining symptoms but I swear I am starting to feel some tummy cramps too, unless it is just all those crunches I did this morning...

Once a paranoid symptom checker... Even when the symptoms I am hunting and hoping for are AF and not pregnancy symptoms I can't help but over-analyze every mood, every twinge, every craving. Old habits really do die hard I guess. But it does seem as if I am starting to see all 4 C's in the symptom checklist, cramps, cravings, crankiness and crazies. If these really are pre-AF symptoms, then in just a few short weeks I will be back to paranoid symptom checking for pregnancy.

Wow, that really just hit me for the first time. Yes, I am still annoyed and slightly bitter that it's been taking so long for the evil AF faerie to pay me a visit, but I am so excited that once she does finally show, this FET is on! No cycle of BCP beforehand, no egg retrieval just a few quick checks of my uterine lining, a couple weeks of meds then BAM! transfer time. Wow that really is exciting! And I am so ready to do it.

Now I need the evil AF faerie to show! But how to get her here? The tooth fairy is after teeth, so maybe if I leave a negative HPT under my pillow tonight she'll send her "monthly gift" to me by morning? It does seem like she has already started sending her favorite gags my way. I just need to be sure she knows that even though her presence is welcome and wished for now, I have no desire to see her heartbreaking glare or any of her tricks after this transfer. I am ready to put this crazy silliness of mine to use having fun with my kids, and I will gladly put the other 3 C's to use during the 9 month process of bringing my child into the world.


***UPDATE*** As I hoped the AF faerie came last night! I don't feel like quite like a kid on Christmas, or even one that just had a visit from the tooth fairy since is a mixed blessing of sorts what with the cramps and all, but I am pretty excited. I have my first appointment for this cycle this afternoon! That's TODAY! YAY I'M STARTING FET!!!!!

Getting Back In the Flow

I need to get back in the flow, in more ways than one. I have been away from my blog and others blogs a lot in the past 2 months, mostly because I have also been out of the TTC game and haven't had too much to say. I really want to get back into the flow of writing and reading and commenting and being a part of the blogosphere that has been so wonderful to me. Also, today is 8 weeks to the day since my D&C and still no AF so that is another flow I really need to get back in to.

My RE said that after the procedure my period should return in about 4 to 6 weeks. Somewhere in the 5th week I started having tiny little hints of symptoms- a uterine twinge here, a tiny spot there- but no AF. I waited patiently and called my RE once the 6 week mark passed without AF. Dr Jedi spoke to me directly and we discussed options, finally agreeing to go through with a 5 day dose of Provera to bring on my period. I felt huge mix of emotions at this decision. I was relieved to be doing something more proactive than just idly waiting, but I also felt fear and anxiety about taking a new drug, as well as sadness that I needed it.

I have never taken Provera until now and I have heard many horror stories about the mood swings and other side effects of this super dose of progesterone, so I was very nervous that my already high level emotions would shoot off the charts. I finished the pills last night and the good news is I haven't had any symptoms or side effects, but the bad news is I haven't had any symptoms or side effects. I feel like AF is no closer than she was a few weeks ago. Hopefully I'm wrong though and she makes her grand and much anticipated entrance this week. It's so ironic to me that every TTCer I know is always praying for AF to stay away and bring a pregnancy but when situations arise that we really need her to come so that we can TTC again, she stays away. I know in reality AF is not a living thing but sometimes I start to believe my period really is a "she", some sort of mischievous faerie or sprite playing tricks on me for her own amusement. I hope she's getting a good laugh because I certainly don't find her jokes funny.

In addition to being nervous about taking a new drug for the first time, the decision to start Provera made me very sad. I started taking it just as I started what would have been my 16th week of pregnancy. Instead of getting ready to find out if my little Sprout was a boy or a girl, I was popping pills to force my period to come back. It just seemed so incredibly cruel and unfair. But I also knew that this would get me one step closer to being back on track with my FET and bring my baby that much closer to me.

Although it is sad that I am no longer pregnant (and haven't been for 2 months) I am so ready to get back in the flow and back to TTC. I am ready for the evil, tricky AF faerie to make her appearance so that I can start my FET. I feel like a car that has stalled. I keep turning the key but all I get are whirring, sputtering sounds. Hopefully, the Provera will get the car started again. The really good news is that once she finally shows it wont be more than a few weeks until my transfer. As much as I dread another 2ww, I can't wait for it either.

Wordless Wednesday: Incomplete

Working It Out

As you may have noticed from this past month's blog entries, there has not been a whole lot going on with me lately. Since my miscarriage, I have just been trying to stay busy while I wait for AF so that I can start FET. All of this waiting has made it difficult to keep my brain from doing crazy things- as you may also have noticed from this past month's blog entries- and my struggles with my body have been no exception.

I was pregnant for 8 weeks. It wasn't long but in that short time my body began responding the way a pregnant body should. I was fatigued, bloated, and my breasts became very large and sore. It was all in the name of baby so it didn't matter, actually it was a good thing! But then came getting un-pregnant. A week or so after the D&C my breasts didn't hurt and I could easily make through the day without needing a nap (so long as I hadn't been up too late crying the night before) but 5 weeks later and my body hasn't bounced back quite so well.

I will be honest, I, like many women, have been carrying around negative body image issues for years. I don't want to be "that girl" but I can't help comparing myself to what I used to look like when I was 22 and wondering if I "look fat in this". It's awful and my goal for many years has been to develop a healthier body image and learn to stop chastising myself. I do not want my kids to learn this mindset and continue the negative cycle. I know that a lot of my predilection toward negativity is learned. It's as if we are taught not be happy with how we look and we pass that on to the next generation. I know hearing my mom call herself fat definitely didn't keep me from feeling inclined to do it to myself. I've been trying for years to be happy with me and I can't say that I've completely undone my negative body issues, but I've made progress.

But this past month has been different, it's been worse. I have truly hated seeing myself in the mirror and even more so in pictures. I can see every flaw, every extra ounce as if I were under a microscope. I am healthy and while my body is not perfect, I know logically that I am ok, I look ok. But every time I see myself I see the changes. I see my slightly pudgier tummy, my fuller breasts and my rounder face and I can't stand it. Every extra bit of softness that came after I got pregnant is an awful physical reminder of what my body was doing, should still be doing, but isn't. It just feels so unfair to have gone through all of these physical changes without anything to show for it. The extra pounds would be fine with me if it meant my child was healthy and alive inside of me. Even though I know it wasn't mine or my body's fault that I miscarried, I still sometimes feel like it betrayed me. I have been dealing with anger toward my body because I can't get pregnant on my own for a long time already so adding the miscarriage just made it easy to hate my body even more.

But the good news is, my desire to get the 5 pounds I gained while pregnant off before trying FET, has given me an unexpected emotional outlet. I have always tried to exercise at least a few times a week. I drag Chad on walks after dinner as often as possible and always try to do some sort of workout in the morning. But this week I have a new found love for breaking a sweat. I have been hitting the elliptical every day as well as tossing in cardio sculpt dvds each morning and keeping up our evening walks. Don't worry I'm not going crazy and over-exerting my body. I keep my heart rate in check and stick to a half hour to 45 minutes for each workout, but it really has helped my mental state. Not only am I getting the endorphin exercise high, I am also feeling better about myself, little by little. The scale hasn't changed yet and my clothes still fit pretty much the same (although a wee bit better), but I hate myself and my body a lot less and that matters more.

Letting It Roll Off My Back

In the three years that I have been struggling to conceive I have heard so many comments about relaxing and opinions on how to become a parent that, for the most part, they really have started rolling off my back. I know that these pieces of advice or consolation while sometimes misguided, are almost always meant with the best of intentions. I still do not enjoy hearing them, and I always try to politely explain this position when I can, but these things don't sit rattling away in my brain for hours after I've heard them as they once did.

But there are still some exceptions to the rolling off the back thing. Not that I am angry with anyone, just feeling kind of defeated by what someone said recently and in all fairness to her she is not the first, and will probably not be the last. A friend, in the midst of empathizing with my struggle and recent loss proclaimed that she just knew I would be a mother someday "whether it was my own biological child or not".

Of course, one of the first feelings I have is that even if I do adopt one day, that child will still be "my own". I hate how diminished the relationships of an adopted family seem to be in other people's eyes sometimes and it makes me hurt for all those who have to contend with these views everyday.

But the thing that hurts the most when people say this to me is the implication of failure on my part. I am in no way opposed to the possibility of adoption as a way to expand my family and have seriously considered it even before I knew of my infertility, but no one else really knows that. It is not something I am actively pursing right now, nor is it something I have ever discussed with this friend or many people at all for that matter. Her saying that, when it was completely unprompted and never previously discussed, felt like a small stab into my heart. When someone says that, it's as if they are saying they don't believe I will give birth to a child, that my IVF and FET attempts won't work, especially when it is my IVF attempts being discussed and there is no mention from me of adoption. Or that, the fact that I have had to use these methods at all is some sort of failure. Adoption is not off the table for me, but it is for now. I am focused on my treatments and my frozen embryos right now, my future maybe-babies. And it hurts that they are so easily disregarded.

The other thing about this conversation that hurts is that this friend is dealing with infertility issues of her own. Although, she is nowhere near the point of using ART treatments and may never be, nothing hurts more than a non-comforting statement coming from someone else that is struggling and you feel should better understand. The statement coupled with the fact that she still is able to TTC the old-fashioned way, makes me feel like she sees my path as a loss in itself. I am almost always so proud of my journey, and my future IVF miracle baby, but on days like this I feel like I am wearing a scarlet "I". "I" for infertile, for IVF, for inadequate.

But, as I said earlier she is not the first to say this exact thing, nor will she be the last, so I don't want to pick on her or make it seem that she specifically has upset me. Just as with the other well-meaning offers of advice or support that hurt more than they help, I know that this too is meant to be encouraging. I know that people are just trying to let me know they believe I will be a mother no matter what and that I will be a good one. I just wish they wouldn't bring up issues of biology or other things unless I do it first. I know it sounds silly but I often doubt whether I will EVER be a mom and when someone else tells me they believe that it will work, that my frozen embies will grow and live and become my babies, it gives me strength. I sometimes need to be allowed to feel fear or doubt but I don't want anyone else to join me in my uncertainty. I need the people in my life to be my cheerleaders, to believe wholeheartedly that it WILL work. It's what keeps me going on the days I can't see any hope.

I am trying not to let this get me down, but I have to admit feeling a bit bluer today than yesterday because of it. I was a mommy to a 'biological child', even if it was only for a few short weeks my baby was alive inside me and I feel like that has been made to be unimportant. I am hoping that by getting this out I can get to that same place I've gotten with "just relax" and be able to keep it from affecting me as deeply as it has today, and instead focus on the positive words and support I receive from so many every day.

Regression is Progression

I have been working very hard at putting one foot in front of the other each day, at moving forward and finding hope amongst all the pain. But this past weekend I lived what I already knew, and that is that, even as I begin to heal emotionally there will be backwards steps, and wow did I backstep!

As I mentioned in a previous post, once Chad and I found out about the miscarriage, we called off our trip to Florida to visit friends and family. A mutual friend of ours who has been very close throughout the process wanted to visit us instead and we thought it was a great idea. It seemed like the perfect way to get some in person support and positivity. It was a short trip and started out with lots of fun and laughter but on the second day I had kind of a break down.

The day started out pleasantly. The three of us made plans to get out of the house and enjoy the great Saturday ahead of us, but after a little while I found myself getting easily irritated for no real reason. I couldn't really understand why I was so moody all of the sudden. The guys tried to help and truly were being nice about it, but my emotions kept snowballing and before I knew it I was a crazy mix of sad, mad and confused. I became a crying mess and the worst part was I couldn't really understand why. I felt like a prisoner in my own head. Inside I knew there was nothing to be upset about, I knew I was being overly emotional and irrational but I couldn't stop myself from feeling what I felt. And then the tears suddenly gained a focus and a meaning and that's when I really cried it out.

I realized that although it didn't seem like it at first, it was still all about losing Sprout. Our friend was supposed to be visiting later, once the baby was born, and although his visit was great it was a also a reminder of what I had lost, what should have been but wasn't. Not knowing why I was upset at first also contributed to the intense emotions because I really started to wonder if I was losing my mind. Luckily, I was the only one that thought that and not only did I get amazing support from Chad and our friend, but as always my Twitter girls came to the rescue and assured me that even though it didn't feel like it, what I was going through is completely normal.

And that's the truth, it is completely normal. I am healing and feeling more hopeful and at peace everyday, but that doesn't mean I don't also still feel pain. And although it felt like a giant step backwards to lose it like that, I realize that I was actually accessing and getting out some of the pain I hadn't felt yet. Getting it out is the only true way for me to heal, so I even though it felt like I was regressing I know that it was really progress instead. The big myth is that healing of any kind is linear, that you just keep going through the stages of grief one by one until you're all better, but the truth is, the path is bumpy and there are many twists and turns along the way. I have to give myself permission to have the bad days as well as the good. I am still putting one foot in front of the other every day and I am lucky enough to have an amazing support system to help me through on the days I step in muddy water. If I need to cry I will cry, but if I want to laugh I can do that too, even at the same time! I know I'm not completely restored or emotionally healed yet but that's OK, I don't need to be, I just need to be true to me.