Letting It Roll Off My Back

In the three years that I have been struggling to conceive I have heard so many comments about relaxing and opinions on how to become a parent that, for the most part, they really have started rolling off my back. I know that these pieces of advice or consolation while sometimes misguided, are almost always meant with the best of intentions. I still do not enjoy hearing them, and I always try to politely explain this position when I can, but these things don't sit rattling away in my brain for hours after I've heard them as they once did.

But there are still some exceptions to the rolling off the back thing. Not that I am angry with anyone, just feeling kind of defeated by what someone said recently and in all fairness to her she is not the first, and will probably not be the last. A friend, in the midst of empathizing with my struggle and recent loss proclaimed that she just knew I would be a mother someday "whether it was my own biological child or not".

Of course, one of the first feelings I have is that even if I do adopt one day, that child will still be "my own". I hate how diminished the relationships of an adopted family seem to be in other people's eyes sometimes and it makes me hurt for all those who have to contend with these views everyday.

But the thing that hurts the most when people say this to me is the implication of failure on my part. I am in no way opposed to the possibility of adoption as a way to expand my family and have seriously considered it even before I knew of my infertility, but no one else really knows that. It is not something I am actively pursing right now, nor is it something I have ever discussed with this friend or many people at all for that matter. Her saying that, when it was completely unprompted and never previously discussed, felt like a small stab into my heart. When someone says that, it's as if they are saying they don't believe I will give birth to a child, that my IVF and FET attempts won't work, especially when it is my IVF attempts being discussed and there is no mention from me of adoption. Or that, the fact that I have had to use these methods at all is some sort of failure. Adoption is not off the table for me, but it is for now. I am focused on my treatments and my frozen embryos right now, my future maybe-babies. And it hurts that they are so easily disregarded.

The other thing about this conversation that hurts is that this friend is dealing with infertility issues of her own. Although, she is nowhere near the point of using ART treatments and may never be, nothing hurts more than a non-comforting statement coming from someone else that is struggling and you feel should better understand. The statement coupled with the fact that she still is able to TTC the old-fashioned way, makes me feel like she sees my path as a loss in itself. I am almost always so proud of my journey, and my future IVF miracle baby, but on days like this I feel like I am wearing a scarlet "I". "I" for infertile, for IVF, for inadequate.

But, as I said earlier she is not the first to say this exact thing, nor will she be the last, so I don't want to pick on her or make it seem that she specifically has upset me. Just as with the other well-meaning offers of advice or support that hurt more than they help, I know that this too is meant to be encouraging. I know that people are just trying to let me know they believe I will be a mother no matter what and that I will be a good one. I just wish they wouldn't bring up issues of biology or other things unless I do it first. I know it sounds silly but I often doubt whether I will EVER be a mom and when someone else tells me they believe that it will work, that my frozen embies will grow and live and become my babies, it gives me strength. I sometimes need to be allowed to feel fear or doubt but I don't want anyone else to join me in my uncertainty. I need the people in my life to be my cheerleaders, to believe wholeheartedly that it WILL work. It's what keeps me going on the days I can't see any hope.

I am trying not to let this get me down, but I have to admit feeling a bit bluer today than yesterday because of it. I was a mommy to a 'biological child', even if it was only for a few short weeks my baby was alive inside me and I feel like that has been made to be unimportant. I am hoping that by getting this out I can get to that same place I've gotten with "just relax" and be able to keep it from affecting me as deeply as it has today, and instead focus on the positive words and support I receive from so many every day.

Regression is Progression

I have been working very hard at putting one foot in front of the other each day, at moving forward and finding hope amongst all the pain. But this past weekend I lived what I already knew, and that is that, even as I begin to heal emotionally there will be backwards steps, and wow did I backstep!

As I mentioned in a previous post, once Chad and I found out about the miscarriage, we called off our trip to Florida to visit friends and family. A mutual friend of ours who has been very close throughout the process wanted to visit us instead and we thought it was a great idea. It seemed like the perfect way to get some in person support and positivity. It was a short trip and started out with lots of fun and laughter but on the second day I had kind of a break down.

The day started out pleasantly. The three of us made plans to get out of the house and enjoy the great Saturday ahead of us, but after a little while I found myself getting easily irritated for no real reason. I couldn't really understand why I was so moody all of the sudden. The guys tried to help and truly were being nice about it, but my emotions kept snowballing and before I knew it I was a crazy mix of sad, mad and confused. I became a crying mess and the worst part was I couldn't really understand why. I felt like a prisoner in my own head. Inside I knew there was nothing to be upset about, I knew I was being overly emotional and irrational but I couldn't stop myself from feeling what I felt. And then the tears suddenly gained a focus and a meaning and that's when I really cried it out.

I realized that although it didn't seem like it at first, it was still all about losing Sprout. Our friend was supposed to be visiting later, once the baby was born, and although his visit was great it was a also a reminder of what I had lost, what should have been but wasn't. Not knowing why I was upset at first also contributed to the intense emotions because I really started to wonder if I was losing my mind. Luckily, I was the only one that thought that and not only did I get amazing support from Chad and our friend, but as always my Twitter girls came to the rescue and assured me that even though it didn't feel like it, what I was going through is completely normal.

And that's the truth, it is completely normal. I am healing and feeling more hopeful and at peace everyday, but that doesn't mean I don't also still feel pain. And although it felt like a giant step backwards to lose it like that, I realize that I was actually accessing and getting out some of the pain I hadn't felt yet. Getting it out is the only true way for me to heal, so I even though it felt like I was regressing I know that it was really progress instead. The big myth is that healing of any kind is linear, that you just keep going through the stages of grief one by one until you're all better, but the truth is, the path is bumpy and there are many twists and turns along the way. I have to give myself permission to have the bad days as well as the good. I am still putting one foot in front of the other every day and I am lucky enough to have an amazing support system to help me through on the days I step in muddy water. If I need to cry I will cry, but if I want to laugh I can do that too, even at the same time! I know I'm not completely restored or emotionally healed yet but that's OK, I don't need to be, I just need to be true to me.

Wordless Wednesday: In My Hands

p.s. If you haven't already please check out my previous blog post and watch the amazing video my husband made for Mother's Day. I just love it so much and want to share it with everyone. Thank you!

A Bittersweet Mother's Day

It's official, I have crossed over from distracted blogger to complete slacker. In my defense though it really has been an incredibly busy couple of weeks for me since the D&C. I will spare you the boring details about work and errands and just tell you all about my impulsive, amazing and bittersweet Mother's Day.

Before learning whether or not I was even pregnant, Chad and I had discussed going home to Florida to visit friends and family this May. We were waiting to buy plane tickets until we knew our fate and knew whether travel would be a good and/or feasible idea. When the pregnancy test came back positive we began planning a trip for Mother's Day to last through the following week so that we would have plenty of time to spend with the people that mattered most. And since I'd be about 11 weeks along by then we thought it might be a good time to share the news. We were thrilled at the idea of celebrating with my mom and grandmother as well as our closest friends.

Then the ultrasound that changed everything came and we immediately knew we were too emotional, too sad and too drained to spend a week visiting with everyone. The trip was beyond overwhelming, so we canceled and planned to see everyone in August when we would be in town for a friend's wedding.

It has been difficult these past few weeks not to be able to really cry with the people I cared about, especially my mom. I know it has been killing her to have her baby girl going through so much pain and to be thousands of miles away. So when I got an email last week offering a great deal on flights out of LA to Orlando for Mother's Day weekend I jumped at the deal. And I didn't tell anyone I was coming!

It was so wonderful to see my mom and my some of my closest friends but it was even better to see the looks of shock on their faces when I knocked on their doors. I even got to surprise my grandparents which meant the world to me, because they won't be in Florida when I come back this August. And even though the weekend was still very emotional and oftentimes painful for me, it was beyond amazing to get a real life hug from my mom when I was crying. I try to be so strong and positive all the time but sometimes I really just want my mommy, and it was great to have that at a time when I really needed it.

Secretly flying in to see my mom, grandparents and best friends this weekend was a great way to surprise them for Mother's Day but Chad came up with a beautiful surprise for me as well. While I was sitting at the table catching up with my best friend Saturday night (technically Sunday morning) he called and asked me to check my Facebook messages. Everyone in the TTC community knows how scary FB can be, especially during a holiday specifically set aside to celebrate something we all want but don't yet have, so I admit I was a bit nervous, but he insisted so I did. And what I found when I did was moving in so many ways. I cried, I laughed and then I cried some more. And I thanked my wonderful husband for all the time and thought he put into expressing how he felt to me on a day that was very difficult for us both. I can't adequately describe it so I have posted his creation here for you to see. Just a warning, you may need a tissue or two.

I can't say this was the Mother's Day I had dreamed of but it was certainly better than hiding under my covers and sobbing all day as I had originally planned. And although there still was some sobbing involved, I am happy that I went and even happier that some of those tears weren't painful ones. And of course I am beyond happy to be married to the most amazing and wonderful man I have ever known. I am still in pain but this past weekend I realized more than ever how truly blessed I am by the incredible people in my life and I am so glad that my future children will be lucky enough to have such caring people in their lives too.

Wordless Wednesday: Almost Empty

Empty Womb, Empty Arms but a Hopeful Heart

NIAW: Coming Out Of The Infertility Closet

As many of you know April 24 - May 1 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). If this is news to you or you would like to find out more about NIAW please visit resolve.org for more information. As this week's movement to increase awareness draws to a close, I wanted to take a moment to share the big step I took this week for NIAW.

For a long time I have been a "closet infertile". When Chad and I first decide to chuck our birth control methods we didn't tell many people because we assumed that a pregnancy would come and we could just tell friends and family about that once it happened. As time went on and it didn't happen, I began sharing with a few very close friends and family that we were going to be getting serious about trying. No one else ever even knew we were trying, let alone having trouble.

The more involved the process got, the more I found myself needing an outlet to deal with all of the testing, procedures and emotions. I created a new twitter account just for TTC purposes. And then came this blog. Some of the close family members I mentioned are followers but most other people in my real life don't even know it exists. Since the official "infertility" diagnoses last year and the subsequent IVF treatments, my quest for motherhood has played a HUGE part in my life, and hardly anyone knew. I feel like I have been living a double life. When we see or talk to friends I constantly feel like I am lying when I tell them I'm fine or talk about my week while carefully editing out my shots and doctor's appointments. It has been exhausting, especially now that my miscarriage has significantly upped the emotional stakes. So Chad and I both talked and agreed to take the plunge and "come out" together. We chose Facebook as the forum to do so since it was the most direct and surefire way to reach the majority of the important people in our lives.

This is what we posted:
Never even considered the possibility that we could be affected by infertility. This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I want to honor our 3 year struggle...and S.G. I miss you even though I never met you

Tears and Hope [HQ]

Never forget how truly blessed you are, and never underestimate the pain that some people suffer, to have what you take for granted... For a better understanding of our journey through Infertility please watch this video. http://www.tearsandhope.com/

Length:7:47

If you haven't seen this video yet, be sure to watch with a tissue or two handy, I can never get through it without shedding a few (hundred) tears.

I was so incredibly scared to post, to expose myself and be so vulnerable. I had no idea what to expect and feared I would get negative or insensitive comments. I couldn't have been more wrong. I have received nothing but love and support, and lots of it. People thanked me for having the courage to post and spread awareness and wished us both nothing but good things on our journey to parenthood. I was moved to tears more than once by the comments people left and by some of the unexpected people that left them. We posted the day before my D&C, which I realized was a gamble, but one that paid off. I took all of the wonderful messages of hope and encouragement with me to bed and into surgery the next day and it gave me a little extra strength when I really needed it.

I got a few private messages as well, including one from an old acquaintance that has been struggling with her own loss lately and had not had anyone to talk to. It was amazing to be able to be there for her and have her support in return. If I helped just that one person, it is so worth it.

The greatest part though is that I feel like a more complete me again. I am not usually one to keep my mouth shut about anything I care about so compartmentalizing myself like this has been beyond draining. I feel so liberated to not be keeping this secret anymore. For so long I have felt consumed by all of this, but now that I have truly opened up about it, it feels like it rules my life a little less. I've realized that I was putting almost as much energy into my double life as I have into my fertility treatments. I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Coming out has also made me feel proud. I am proud that I had the courage to be honest. I'm proud of the amazing community of men and women that I have come to know through my blog and twitter. I am proud of the many other others that have also come out this week, you all have been such an amazing inspiration. I'm proud that despite the obstacles in my way, I haven't given up, and that I never will. I am so glad that made this decision, it is definitely one of the most rewarding things I have done in a long time and I look forward to continuing the conversation and raising awareness.

Moving Forward

I realize that I have been a terrible blogger lately. It has been an emotional and eventful week and I just haven't had the energy or ability to commit to blogging but finally I have found a few moments of zen and I want to catch you up on all that has happened in the past week.

Last Friday, I had one more ultrasound just to triple check because of my rising beta numbers. As expected there was nothing more than scattered debris inside an otherwise still empty and still growing gestational sac. Once I saw that , I knew that it would probably continue to grow for weeks before my body would recognize something was wrong and a natural miscarriage would occur. I couldn't stand the thought of being pregnant for weeks and weeks without a baby growing inside me or the trauma I fear that would come with a natural loss. That, coupled with my desire to keep moving forward and begin the FET as soon as humanely possible is what ultimately helped me, Chad and my doctor all agree that a D&C was the best choice in this situation. We scheduled it for the following Tuesday, which if you are checking your calendars was yesterday, the 27th.

Now that it's over I can attest that this really was the right decision for me. Of course, I am in no way saying it's the right way to go for everyone in this situation but for me it was. Monday I had to go in for a Pre-Op appointment, one more check with wandy (everything still the same but with a slightly bigger sac) and a bit of blood work. I also got to complete the lovely task of paying the bill. This is one of the definite negative aspects of this choice. I must admit I have been a bit angry at what it cost to get "un-pregnant" after I had paid thousands to get pregnant in the first place. And aside from the financial aspect it is that thought, of getting un-pregnant, that makes the most emotional right now.

When I went into the surgery center I was already prepared for a head trip. I had the procedure in the exact same place I had my egg retrieval, only 4 floors down from where my remaining 13 embryos are frozen, and where my embryo transfer took place. So I got un-pregnant in the same building that I got pregnant, and where I hope to get pregnant again. It really was a emotional and mental tug of war stepping into that building, especially because as I walked in the cutest and roundest 7 month belly bump was walking out. I couldn't help but realize I would be entering this place pregnant and leaving not, only I wouldn't have a baby in my arms when I left as I always expected I would when I became "un-pregnant". This is what brought me to tears as I lay in the hospital bed waiting for the anesthesia to kick in. Thankfully, Chad was with me until they wheeled me into the OR and he provided plenty of hugs in that time.

The next thing I knew I was waking up in a little bit of pain with monitors stuck to my chest. They removed the sticky diodes then brought Chad back and he helped me get dressed and into the car. On the way home, he told me what the doctor said while I was in recovery. He said that everything went very smoothly and that the procedure was complete. I shouldn't need any additional treatment. He also said that my bleeding is very light and will probably be the lightest he has seen in years. 12 hours after leaving the OR, I can attest that he was telling the truth. That coupled with pain and cramps mild enough that I have yet to take even a Tyle.nol, has made this a lot easier to handle. And as always the amazing support I have received from friends and family, both in the virtual realm and the "real" one, has given me more strength and comfort than I think I could ever fully express. Again, thank you for all of the love and support you have given me.

I am still struggling with sadness and anger at my loss and I know that I will always have emotional scars from all of this, but I am starting to feel a little more like me every day. It's a changed me, as I will never be completely the same, but I am becoming ok with that. Not that I wouldn't change it all and have my Sprout back alive and well if I could, but I each day I am able to be a little more glad that I had Sprout with me at all, even if it was for much too short a time. This is huge for me because for the first week, one of my dominating thoughts was how I angry I was that I had gotten pregnant only to have it fail. I felt like this pregnancy had robbed me of so much time that i could have spent trying again. But more and more I can appreciate that while I was only able to nurture this life a short while, it was there and I did everything for it during that brief time. And I know this sounds crazy but ever since I woke up after surgery yesterday, I have felt as if Sprout somehow left my body in a state even more ready to grow life. As if, like a truly protective and loving older sibling, Sprout left some special unseen energy to ensure that the next one would grow healthy and strong.

I still cry and probably will for a long time, (don't be surprised if I slip back and you see another depressed post in the weeks ahead) but I can see light at the end of the tunnel again. As a good friend who has also experienced this type of loss has said, I have nowhere to go but forward. Even if some days it's at a slug's pace I am will never "move on" but I will always keep moving forward. I have no plans of stopping or giving up. I have hope that I will succeed and the next time I get pregnant I will not get un-pregnant until the day I get to hold my happy, healthy baby in my arms.