Wordless Wednesday: I Choose Hope

I Want Off This Roller Coaster!

It has been 2 days since my first beta confirming pregnancy and this morning I went in for my 2nd round of blood work. Of course me being me and having "infertile brain" I was kinda nervous after the blood draw and the longer it took to get the call with my results, the more nervous I became. Finally the phone rang and I got the update. My progesterone and estrogen levels are right where they should be, so I am continuing my injections and gel as I have been since the transfer. The hCG levels on the other hand are another story.

I could tell right away by the nurse's voice when she called that something was not quite right. And then when she said "I'm calling to talk to you about your blood test" (instead of tell you about it) I got really nervous. My 1st beta on Saturday morning was around 230 and it supposed to double every 48 hours, which means they expected today's to be around 460. Instead it was only 385, a rise of about 64% according to the clinic. The nurse told me to be "cautiously optimistic" and then advised me to stay calm and relaxed until my next beta which is not until Friday. Thankfully she did acknowledge that this was easier said than done. I am trying very hard to stay as calm as possible but inside I am so incredibly scared.

I called Chad and relayed the entire conversation to him. He sounded like the wind had been knocked out of him and then said he was coming home. I told him he didn't need to but really I am glad he did. I just needed a hug from him if nothing else. When he got home we both Googled and I tweeted and I am happy to say we did get some reassuring information. A rise over 60% is considered adequate and there is still a good chance everything will be fine.

Of course, that doesn't completely stop me from being scared out of my mind. I know I have only been pregnant for two days but I don't think I can survive the heartbreak if it doesn't last. I am holding on to every ounce of faith and hope I have that this will turn out OK, but part of me just wants to cry out "It isn't fair!" Trying to become a mom has been such a roller coaster already. For the past 3 years I have been through so many physical and emotional ups, downs, twists and turns and finally the light at the end had appeared, only to throw me into another loop. Why can't it ever just be simple? I thought surviving last week while I anxiously waited to find out if my IVF was successful was bad, but now I have to wait almost another week to find out if my success will be short lived or not. I just want off this roller coaster already! I will gladly get onto another one, as I know parenting is a roller coaster of emotions too, but I am ready to say goodbye to this one!

Thank you so much to everyone that has been there for me today by providing kinds words and reassuring information, as well as for keeping me and Sprout in your thoughts and prayers. It means more to me and has helped more than you will ever know. I hope I have good news to share on Friday.

And The Results Are...

BFP!!!!!!

I had my beta at 7:45am. After a very nervous breakfast out with Chad, we got the call at 9:38am in which the the nurse asked if I was sitting down because I was pregnant! Beta levels are approximately 230mIU/hCG and I am going in on Monday to make sure everything is doubling and hopefully schedule an ultrasound to find out if I am growing one or two little sprouts.

I just can't believe it. It doesn't feel real. Don't mind me if I am pinching myself for the next few weeks, it's just too good to be true! Thanks again for all of your continued love and support. I don't think I would've made it here without it!

With A Little Help From My Friends

Well I have survived the wait so far and now I have less than 24 hours left until my pregnancy test. Yes, I am anxious but looking back at the past two months since I started the IVF journey, I am truly amazed that I have come this far without any major emotional meltdowns. And there are many people that deserve credit for that, because I definitely didn't stay sane and hopeful on my own.

My support network has been a huge part of getting me through the past two months. I am very blessed to have an amazing husband, wonderful family, loving in-laws and fantastic friends, all of whom who are always there for me but have been especially supportive during this process, always providing an ear when I needed one and cheering me on. My husband especially deserves credit for always giving me a kiss before giving me an injection, for putting up with the mood swings I had while pumped full of hormones, and for being my partner during this roller coaster ride.

And while my real-life friends and family have always been and will always be there for me, I am also truly amazed and grateful for the friendship and support I have found in the twitter and blog community. I have been moved to tears more than once by the love that I have received from my online friends. I would have lost it many times if had not been for the encouragement of so many of you that not only know what I am going through physically but emotionally as well. I know none of us wanted to end up struggling like we have to create our families and even though it's a difficult journey, I am so glad we don't have to do it alone. I can't tell you what it meant to me to wake up the morning of my egg retrieval and transfer, anxious as all hell, and check my phone to find that so many of you remembered what day it was for me and sent me such kind well wishes. I am grateful for every text, tweet, comment, and DM. I have one twitter friend go so far as to hand make and mail me a good luck card. Seriously, thank you all for being so supportive. I truly value your friendship and can't imagine that I would have survived this without you.

I also must give credit to the Circle+Bloom program for helping me to remain relaxed and calm throughout the IVF process. Circle+Bloom is a mind-body program for fertility and conception, you can find their website here to learn more. A little over a month ago, I began beta testing for a new program that is specifically tailored for IVF/IUI and I must say I am very excited about it. I have in no way been paid or asked to endorse this product but now that I have gone through the full program, which starts with cycle day one and goes through each stage of ART, from stimulation, to retrieval, transfer and the 2ww, I am a believer that it has had plenty to do with keeping me peaceful and optimistic throughout this process. I consider myself very lucky to have been a part of testing this new program and if I don't get the news I am hoping for tomorrow, I will be utilizing it again for my next cycle.

I have to admit that I am pretty anxious knowing that tomorrow is the day I will either get the best news of my life, or the worst. But I know that all of the support I have had through the infertility and IVF journey will still be there for me no matter what the outcome is tomorrow, and that is such a good feeling.

Wordless Wednesday: The Big Question

Only 3 more sleeps...

Tattoo Tuesday

Kaitlin over at Ah...My Married Life started "Tattoo Tuesday" last week to show tattoo pics and stories, and although I only have one tattoo, I wanted to jump on the bandwagon. Not only is it fun but it's a great non-IVF related distraction from the 2ww.

I got my tattoo when I was 21 and it was totally unplanned. Chad and I were living in Orlando and I went to Tallahassee for the weekend to visit my childhood best friend, C, who was there attending FSU. The weekend I was there her roommate was getting her first tattoo and asked us to come with her for moral support. While we were waiting, we flipped through the books they put in the waiting area and I spied the cutest, tiny little design of a crescent moon and star- perfect for a toe tattoo. It wasn't just cute, it was a symbol that I had been doodling on notebooks and adding to my signature for years. My bedroom decorations in high school and college had been filled with moons and stars, it is just very "me".

Just out of curiosity I asked how much said tattoo would be and was informed that because of cost of needles and other supplies, the base cost for any tat would be $50 regardless of size. So my friend asked how big they could make it and keep it that same price and he sketched out a sample and made some slight adjustments based on my requests. Then he asked if I wanted to get it. I sat for a second and thought about how totally crazy this was, and how not thrilled Chad would be that I did this without him. C and I stepped outside to discuss the decision and she insisted it was a good idea but I knew I wouldn't really do it. We went back inside and the artist asked what I had decided. I took a deep breath but before I could answer, C exclaimed, "Yes, she says yes" and pushed me into his chair.

Of course, I'm a grown up and could have said "no" if I really wanted to but I went for it and had my little blue crescent moon and golden star tattooed to my left shoulder blade. C and I agreed I'd wait until I got home and tell/show Chad about it in person. Which I did. He freaked a tiny bit for about 30 seconds but then decided it was hot and that it suited me perfectly. He is still not thrilled he wasn't there for it and got one for himself a few months later (which I was there for and he claims is unfair)
I immediately loved it and still do. It's part of me now and I can't remember what my back looked like without it. It's one of my favorite things on my body. I still have more tattoos that I would love to get, but for now I love the sweet simplicity of the one I have.

Don't forget to check back here with Kaitlin's blog to see other Tattoo Tuesdays and get in on the fun yourself!

ICLW: The Long Week Ahead

I want to start by saying welcome to all visitors from ICLW! This is my first ever ICLW, because I am a slacker and missed the sign up deadline for 2 months in a row, but I am very excited to be involved this month and honestly my first ICLW couldn't be during a more crucial week. You see at the end of this week I will learn whether another of my firsts has succeeded: my first IVF cycle. I need all the distractions I can get this week so I am very much looking forward to reading and discovering your blogs and stories.

Of course you can always read through my past blog entries to catch up on my infertility and subsequent IVF journey, but I will give you the short(ish) version here. My husband, Chad, and I married in March 2007(I am actually in the car on the way back from our anniversary trip as I write this) and threw out the birth control shortly after. Like most couples we assumed pregnancy would just happen on it's own and didn't really "try" for quite sometime. It eventually became apparent though that even though we were just "not preventing" something should have happened by now so off we went to the OB/GYN in early 2009. I was given some very basic blood work and instructions to start charting BBT and OPKs. We were in full swing with the "sperm meets egg" plan until a few months later when my husband received a promotion that included a move across the country from Orlando, FL to Orange County, CA, where we live now.

After taking some time to get settled and entertain visiting friends and family, we got serious and had the full fertility work-up including a semen analysis, all the important blood work and an HSG. My blood work and Chad's SA came back great, no problems to speak of, it was my HSG that caused concern. My left tube showed no spillage. So my OB put me on Clomid to hopefully increase chances of ovulation on my right side and sent me on my way to continue trying. We were diligent for three months and never missed my fertile window. Progesterone draws each month confirmed I was ovulating but never getting pregnant. Which meant it was time to seek out an RE.

My RE (unlike the OB) actually reviewed the films from the HSG with us and quickly ascertained that my tubes were much more blocked than originally believed. He broke the news that our only real option for a pregnancy was IVF. We talked about it for a few days and decided to jump right in. For the past month I have dealt with the injections, the dates with the ultrasound wand (wandy), and the anxiety that come with this process and somehow managed to stay sane and even smile the entire time.

A little over a week ago I went in for my egg retrieval, where 21 eggs were collected. Of those, 15 fertilized to become embryos and continued to grow right into the day 5 blastocyst stage. On St Patrick's day, I had 2 blastocysts transferred (which you can see here) and the other 13 were frozen. And now after all that activity there is nothing left to do but wait. I have always dreaded the 2ww but this one definitely feels like it has much higher stakes. My beta blood test to determine pregnancy will be scheduled for sometime this upcoming weekend, so if you come back next week hopefully you will get to hear the good news! Or you can give me some comfort and support at a time when I will definitely need it.

I am planning to stay as busy as possible during this week and hopefully stay sane in the process, which means more blog posts to come and lots of time reading and commenting your blogs! So welcome again ICLWers and thank you in advance for your comments. And thank you so much to my current followers for all of the love and support you have given me and continue to provide. The blog community has been such an amazing source of encouragement and friendship and I am so grateful to be a part of it.