Is it just me or did March zoom by at warp speed? I guess that's how it goes when you're busy, busy, busy! Between travel, anniversary celebrations, party planning, and keeping up with increasingly mobile baby, busy is definitely what I have been. And since I am so behind I am dying to talk about mine and Chad's 5 year wedding anniversary and a zillion other exciting things that have happened the past few weeks, but none are more exciting than Eliana's 1st birthday celebration yesterday.
I debated for ages over whether or not to give into my craving for a great big first birthday party. I know it's over the top. My parents had my grandparents over for a home-cooked dinner and birthday cake with a couple of gifts when I turned one, because really what more do you need? I never gave it much thought really, but as this amazing first year of motherhood as gone on, I kept daydreaming about celebrating it in a really big way. It has been after all the absolute, hands-down best year of my life so it felt appropriate to celebrate the amazing little person that gave that gift. So I finally decided to go for it, and I am so glad I did.
Not only was the party a ton of fun for all three of us, it gave me a place to channel all of my energy and emotion about her upcoming first birthday. Each month on the 9th as Snow Pea reached a new monthly milestone, I have felt a bittersweet burst of emotion about how much she's grown and how amazing it is to be a part of it. I won't lie, both happy and sad tears are shed almost monthly as I realize that while a stage of her babyhood has passed, there is still a lifetime of love to look forward to. So if I get weepy just celebrating her monthly "birthday" you can only imagine how much pent up emotion I'm containing with her turning one just one week from today! Having my party to-do list this month has taken the edge off of the emotions of my baby growing into a toddler. I had so much fun planning, crafting and preparing every little detail and it did a lot to keep my mind in the present as well. Although it hasn't stopped me from reminiscing entirely.
I have been playing lots of "this time last year" remembering the excitement and anticipation of the last weeks of my pregnancy. In fact, this day last year, was my original due date and I remember talking to Snow Pea all day, telling her I love her and that I was ready when she was. She didn't come for another week, but April 2 is one of those dates that will always stick in my head. Of course, I can't play "this time last year" without expanding into "this time 2 years ago" and remembering all of the challenges we were facing wondering if parenthood would really ever happen for us. A friend recently helped me realize just how incredible it is that I am talking about the best year of my life, when the years directly preceding this one were without a doubt the most heartbreaking and most challenging. It really is incredible how much my world has changed and all of it for the better.
And nothing was better than than celebrating all of that joy, those bittersweet milestones, the amazing love that is my daughter at her "birthday palooza" yesterday. There was music, laughter, friends and plenty of cake. Eliana enjoyed every one of those things and I am just grateful to have experienced it with her. I know she won't remember any of it, but I certainly will and I look forward to sharing my memories with her. We are even putting together a first birthday time capsule to be opened when she turns 18, full of mementos of her party and her first year so that she can see just how special and precious she is.
I promise I have lots more pictures and fun stories to share from our incredible day, but unfortunately my laptop is outdated and is not letting me access the server properly so that I can post them (yes, we have a tiny computer network in our 1200 sq ft apartment and yes my husband is a total tech-head). I promise to have them up very, very soon! And in the meantime I am going to cuddle up my sweet girl, reminisce about those wonderful last belly kicks and enjoy this last week of my daughter's amazing first year.
My brain has been in full force party planning mode for Eliana's first birthday a lot lately, so I knew intellectually that she has been getting closer and closer to being a one-year old. But it still took me by surprise when she reached 11 months old a few days ago. Every other month, as fast as it went, I always knew it was coming at least a few days in advance and reminded myself to have her onesie sticker out and to be sure to get her weight and length at the Mommy-Baby clinic where we go to Mommy & Me classes. This month came out of nowhere though. I got used to her being ten months old as if she was just going to slow down and stay there for a while.
But instead she just keeps growing up. Something that is so amazing and rewarding to witness and be a part of that I will forgive her for leaving her oh so precious infant stage. Because each day she really is less and less an infant and more and more a toddler. Every day she learns something new or improves a skill. Seeing her discover or share these new things is just about the most exciting thing in the universe. She now has a vocabulary of about 17 signs and can not only perform the sign when we ask her how to say "monkey" but she can also open and close her hands to specifically ask for a book before bed. It is amazing to see that comprehension and to communicate about her world. I think the most amazing of signing moment of the month happened when we were feeding ducks for the first time at the park. I showed her the sign for duck, which she was excited to repeat and then told her to say hi to the ducks. She then proceeded to look at each individual duck, wave to it and then sign the word "duck". She was literally saying "hi, duck!" I was and still am amazed.
And it doesn't stop at sign communication. I am officially calling her first words this month. Yes, she has been babbling for a while and making all of the requisite "muh muh muhs" and da da das" but it hasn't seemed like she truly had these sounds tied to anyone or anything specific. She hasn't really said them in a way that seemed intended to communicate. But then came a new game that she couldn't help but cheer for. I was teaching her to put her colored balls "into" the toy they come with. She had loved taking things out for a while but hadn't discovered the opposite action yet. She paid close attention to my instruction and guidance and then finally when I asked if she could put the green ball into the bucket she did it completely unassisted. She was so proud that she immediately burst into applause and yelled "Yay!" Not as a repetition or random sound but as the word itself, on her own, unprompted and to let me know she was happy. And she has kept saying it as well as noises for milk, Mommy, Daddy, hi, bye, and all done. She never stops amazing me though and I have a feeling she is trying to say more words that we just aren't catching on to yet.
She is also becoming much more mobile and as her tenth month came to an end she learned to sit herself up from laying on her back or tummy and it has become a favorite new skill to use, especially when she should be sleeping but would rather not. And sitting alone usually isn't exciting enough. Whenever possible she pulls herself up onto her knees and puts a foot out like she's trying to figure out how to get to her feet. She hasn't gotten farther than that yet, but her new found abilities have nevertheless finally forced us to lower her crib. Yes believe it or not, it was on the newborn height until the day she reached 11 months. Mobility has just never been her greatest interest but now with these new skills and her always improving inchworm crawl, the days of having my baby stay in one place are gone forever. The inchworm crawl is crazy adorable by the way. She doesn't get her knees under her but she still gets to where she wants to go by slithering and shimmying through the room, and she gets there pretty fast.
And that's the theme of this month, of this whole year really: fast. My Snow Pea is growing up so fast! This time last year Chad and I were anxiously wondering when our baby girl would make her debut, wondering what she would look like, whose eyes she'd have, what would make her smile, how her laugh would sound. The past eleven months have been an amazing journey of discovering all of those answers and getting to know her personality is so much fun that I am almost ready to accept that that she really is a toddler and not a baby. But with only one month left until she is officially a year old, I am not quite ready yet. So I am going to take each day slowly and savor every second I have with her as my sweet baby.
It's official, I have mailed the invitations for Snow Pea's 1st birthday party. How is my baby already turning one?!?
Planning for Snow Pea's 1st birthday is officially underway! Eek!
This is a post that has been a long time coming. I have been crafting it in my head and with little notes I've jotted to myself since July. I don't know why it took me so long to actually sit down to write it or why I decided that now was the time to do it, but now that I have the thoughts in my head have exploded and I think I might need to break this up into a few different posts. So here's part one.
I am infertile. I always will be. As such, I have heard a seemingly never ending list of cliches and supposed words of wisdom that I am sure almost every other woman and man in the IF community has rolled their eyes at a million times as well. You know what I'm talking about. The nausea inducing questions about whether you've tried this or that old wives tale, the insistence that you should "just" adopt, and the ever popular, make you want to punch someone "just relax". We've all written or read some amazing posts and articles about just how crushing these words can be, along with some incredible "what to say, what not say" guides. I've been blown away by how perfectly some of my fellow IF bloggers have opined on these well intentioned but ignorant statements and attitudes so I won't re-hash too much of what you have all read or written yourselves but now that I am an IF mom, I've realized I have a few new things to add too.
When Eliana was about 3 months old, a friend of ours gave birth to her naturally, effortlessly conceived healthy baby boy. Chad and I were excited to meet up with another couple, mutual friends, to visit the new parents and meet the little guy. I of course, carried my infertility PTSD with me through it all and felt twinges of IF emotions but mostly, we were all happy for them. Chad and I were also reaching out to the other friends we met up with, who we knew had recently been TTC without success. After oohing and ahhing over the sweet little guy, the four of us went to dinner and talked more in depth about their situation: what they had done so far and what was on the horizon. Mostly, they had just been do what married people do without protection for a little under a year. They hadn't yet reached the point of temping, charting or OPKs and still had to make an appointment to discuss these things as well as fertility testing with their doctor. So we gladly served as their information resource. Explaining how the ovulation cycle works, when to time BDing (wow it's been forever since I called it that! Thanks, IVF!) as well as what to expect as far as testing and the treatment options.
I felt good during this conversation. It was nice to have all those years of reading, googling, tweeting, researching and of course living it first hand benefit someone else. They were very appreciative of how open and willing we were to answer all of their questions. But then they said something I would've never expected to feel a reaction to, especially not the one I had. As I was explaining the treatments and the typical progression that takes place if one doesn't work, they stopped and said that they hope it never comes to IVF because they don't think they could go through all that. If it got "that bad" they don't know what they would do. I said I understood and hoped they'd have success without it as well, and I meant it. But inside I also felt incredibly defensive. I wanted to stand up and defend IVF, tell them it really isn't as bad as they think it is. That in some ways it's actually pretty great. That I couldn't imagine my life without that experience and even if I could go back and change it, I wouldn't. That I wouldn't have it any other way. After all it's thanks to IVF/FET that I am a mother today.
If I try really hard I can remember what it was like to be in their shoes, before the reality of infertility changed my life. I remember when I still believed that getting pregnant was just going to take a little longer than I thought and require just a little bit better timing. I never believed it would come to something as big and real as IVF. In my mind I wasn't truly infertile, just having a more challenging time than some people. One day I would realize I was "late" and poas and plan some sneaky cute way to surprise my husband with the good news that he was going to be a daddy. The "how I found out" story among new moms is a lot like the "how he proposed" story among new brides, and I always feel a little stab of sadness and jealousy when those stories are being swapped, especially when it's my turn and my story is met with with obvious discomfort from people who were expecting cute, light romantic stories. I have a great proposal story and I just expected that I'd have a fairy tale "finding out" story too, but the months came and went and no good news ever come with them. Things slowly got more serious. We read more, took temperatures, changed our diets, saw doctors, did tests, timed, took pills and hoped. Then finally after years of slowly turning up the heat and our stress levels we were faced with the reality and the news that IVF was our only hope.
That day was devastating. We cried and mourned the loss of conceiving a child the way we always dreamed we would. It's often hard for most people to understand but there is a such loss there and I still feel it with every "naturally" conceived pregnancy announcement. (something I thankfully know from other IF parents, is totally normal). It was crushing to know that my body couldn't do something I had always just assumed it would. I felt betrayed by body, like less of woman for being unable to do what it was designed to do. And I couldn't believe I was really here, really in this place. The end of line in options to have a biological child.
But the next day, we dried our tears and went about making our decisions about what to do next, and as you know, we decided that IVF was the right choice for us. And as soon as the decision was made and the process began, there was surprisingly a great deal of stress lifted off our shoulders. We had been timing and monitoring everything ourselves, every month for ages. Everything was timed and we often did things we felt too tired for because it was the OPK smiley face day and we thought we "had" to. Now, we had someone else doing all of that monitoring for us and we could do what we wanted, when we wanted, or not at all if we chose Sure, there were blood draws, and wandy visits and needles, lots and lots of needles. It certainly wasn't easy. But it felt like we were finally doing something other than wandering blindly through TTC hoping for success. There were tangible progressions, follicle counts and hormone levels to hold on to. And although I was terrified it wouldn't work, I knew that if it didn't and we reached the end of that road too, we would take the time to mourn the loss and then pursue adoption. We had already been certified for the foster to adopt program in our county and knew who to contact when we felt ready. I still had a long journey of head of me either way but I finally felt that I knew where I was going, and all roads led to motherhood.
I was one of the lucky ones it worked for. Although my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I am still blessed to have my precious daughter here through the wonders of frozen embryo transfer. It wasn't an easy road but it was a worthwhile one. And not only did the technology of IVF & FET make my dream of motherhood come true, it forced me to grow, to expand. I know so much more about the way my body works, about how conception and pregnancy really happen. And needless to say, I have met some of the most incredible people along the way. I will still always be a little wistful that I ever had to go through that growth, to learn everything I did. Ignorance is bliss in so many ways, and I am still a bit jealous of women who don't even know what a luteal phase is let alone how long theirs is. But now that I do know these things, I couldn't dream of turning back. As challenging as this road has been and although it will always be more demanding and more emotional I am forever grateful for how it has changed me and what it has given me.
There is an unspoken implication that IVF is a last resort to becoming a parent, as if you have failed if this where you end up. I have seen it on people's faces and heard it in their voices over and over again. It is evident in their carefully chosen words about how they imagine having to do something "like that". And every time I quietly speak up on the side of IVF and all ART as well as the choices to adopt or live child free. There is too much negativity, too much stigma attached to each of these choices and too much assumption about what leads people to them. There is too much fear and shame. Of course, I'd love to make infertility vanish so that no one ever has to know the pain and anguish of not being able to have a child, so that these choices never have to be faced by anyone who wants to be a parent. But as much as I wish it, I can't change mine or anyone's infertility but I can speak up. I am proud of my experiences, I am grateful for what I endured. I am not ashamed of how my daughter was conceived and I will always make sure that she and the rest of the world knows it.
To My Precious Ellie Belly,
I can't believe that you're 10 months old already and the 1st anniversary of your birth is so quickly approaching. In so many ways it feels like only a moment ago that your daddy and I were still clinging to hope and each other in the midst of the pain and challenges in our journey to become parents. That time in my life is always still right there, reminding me of just how amazing and blessed my life is now that you're in it. As real as the pain of life before you will always be, the reality of life with you is something I can't imagine I ever existed without.
It's only been 10 months but you have grown and changed so much since you were born and I am already so proud of the person you are. You are so sweet and loving, always happy to share a smile with a stranger or giggle with a new friend, and you seem to make new friends everywhere you go. I've never seen such a happy, friendly baby. The world really is your play place and your squeals of excitement are music to me.
And speaking of music, you are quite the music lover and have been since day one. You dance and bounce to any rhythm you hear, finding music in the everyday sounds of crinkling paper or a trash can being dragged over a bumpy walkway. And the more you learn to do with your voice, the more I've heard you sing. In your crib after a nap, in your car seat running errands or anytime you're in need of entertainment, you love nothing more than to sing to yourself and even when I can't see you, I can hear the smile in your voice.
Of course, being the vocal baby you are, happiness isn't the only reason you like to raise your voice. Yes, you may scream to get what you want but you know what you want and you are very quickly learning to sign to get your way. I love seeing your face light up with excitement and pride when you perform the sign for "more" and realize that a fresh serving of kiwi is front of you.
You're also developing a love of books and reading that I am quite proud of and hope stays with you for life. You will drop everything to sit in my lap for ages when you hear or see the word "book". You are a great page turner and flap lifter. Your favorite book is still "Goodnight Moon" and you demand the switch to that one if I read anything else at bedtime. You know it so well that when playing with a copy, a friend caught you turning the upside down book right side up before flipping through the pages all on your own.
Each day brings new challenges, new joys and even more love than the day before. Not long ago someone said they would never do what I did to become a parent, that they would never go through the challenges and rigors of IVF in order to have a child. I fully respect that opinion and I know that the path your dad and I chose is not for everyone, but I would do it again and again if it means I get to be your mom. You are my miracle and these past 10 months have been the happiest of my life. Although I am in no hurry for you to grow up, I look forward to enjoying each new day, month and year of life with you. I love you, Snow Pea.
Love, Mommy
I never know how to start new blog posts. Why is it that those first few sentences of anything you're writing are always the hardest to get out? You usually know what you want to say, what point you want to make, what emotions you hope to convey, but getting them started is always the tricky part, at least for me anyway.
Tonight, what I am trying to get out on my blog is that I need help, input actually. Recently I learned about an essay contest sponsored by Ferring Fertility, a company that manufactures a few of the medications commonly used in IVF treatments. Two of which were used in my IVF protocol, the treatment that ultimately made my dream of motherhood a reality. Which qualifies me to enter an essay about my experiences for a chance to win $10,000 in educational funds for Snow Pea's future education. I am so excited about the opportunity! Especially since any college fund we could have had for her was spent on the treatments to get her here before she was even conceived.But first I have to actually write the essay. Which is where the help and input I need from you comes in.
I had a hard enough time starting this blog post. Now trying to begin an essay on the topic "If I Knew Then What I Know Now" I feel much the way I do starting a new blog entry. I know I have a plenty to offer on the topic, I just don't know where to start. I have been browsing through my old blog posts tonight, knowing that the key most likely lies in the moments as I lived them, but it is also hard to separate myself and I find myself reliving those moments, crying as I re-read and re-experience each emotion. So I wanted to ask those of you who have been reading or have just read a post here and there even, are there any that have stuck out? Anything that I have written throughout this journey that struck a chord with you and gave you hope? Or anything that has just fallen flat and left you confused? Please don't hesitate to be honest and give any constructive criticism you may have. I promise to respect and value any true (non-troll) opinion.
Here is the website for the contest if you'd like to learn more about it or even enter yourself, http://www.ferringfertility.com/mylittlemiracle/. And if you do enter let me know, I would love to cheer you on! There are 3 different prizes so there's no reason we can't both win, and even if I am not one of the 3 winners, I am already thrilled for every family that wins this prize because I know that for everyone entering and especially for me, the scholarship money doesn't hold a candle to the true treasure that is our incredibly amazing miracle babies. But that doesn't mean winning wouldn't be great. So with a deadline less than a month away, I really need to get started! Thanks in advance for any help or support you can give!
Is it just me or did March zoom by at warp speed? I guess that's how it goes when you're busy, busy, busy! Between travel, anniversary celebrations, party planning, and keeping up with increasingly mobile baby, busy is definitely what I have been. And since I am so behind I am dying to talk about mine and Chad's 5 year wedding anniversary and a zillion other exciting things that have happened the past few weeks, but none are more exciting than Eliana's 1st birthday celebration yesterday.
