Holiday Hopes

Happy Holidays to You and Yours!

Happy Heartbeat

Once again way too long of a break between posts. I am starting to feel like a broken record apologizing for my long blog absences. I am sure you all have been frantically refreshing my page looking for new updates. No? Well, that's ok too.

The past few weeks have been good ones. On December 6, I turned 28. It was a surreal birthday experience. I remembered how difficult and emotional my birthday had felt last year. Birthdays always seem to make us look back at what we wish he had done the previous year and what we hope to do in the new one. For an infertile, birthdays can be especially difficult because each year is a year lost. We know that as we get older the already difficult time we're having creating a family, just gets more difficult. And of course there is always the year you turn the age you always believed you'd be a mother by. That milestone past a few years ago for me, which only made the subsequent childless birthdays that much more emotional. It was bad enough not to be a mom by my "dream age", each birthday I was another year past it!

You may have guessed that, for the past few years my birthday wish has been to get pregnant. Now that I finally am, I was at a bit of a loss as to what to wish for when I blew out the candles this year. It was strange, amazing and wonderful to not know what wish to make this time around. (I finally did figure it out, but I have to keep it to myself or it won't come true!) It was even more wonderful to be celebrating the new life I will be beginning this year- my life as a mom!

More happy things have happened since turning 28. This past Thursday for example was as normal a day as any other until Chad and I were laying in bed. It has become part of his nighttime ritual to rest his hand on my tummy and feel Snow Pea kick. That night, he decided it would be funny to get her to kick him in the head, so he rested his head on my stomach and started talking to get her to move. He got an even bigger surprise though when he realized he could hear her tiny little heart beating through my stomach!. His face was priceless as he realized it and as soon as he told me what he was hearing, I welled up with tears. It was just so amazing! I felt so connected to both Snow Pea and Chad in that moment. Our family felt so real, and I was overwhelmed with love for both of them. I was of course, a teeny bit jealous that I couldn't hear her heartbeat too. I kept telling him how unfair it is that I am so close to her little heart but I can't bend over and hear her. Of course, I have heard her on doppler but it just doesn't seem the same. He tapped the rhythm on my arm for me, as he continued listening until finally we forced ourselves to go to sleep.

Yesterday, I finally got to hear her little heart myself when we went in for a monthly OB appointment. Of course, it was on the doppler so it wasn't nearly as exciting as what Chad got to hear the other night, but it is still the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and I was happy to listen. We met with the partner OB for the first time. Chad refers to her as Dr. Inconsiderate because she accidentally went in to see another patient and after she realized her mistake didn't seem too concerned with having made us wait. I didn't mind too much, but Chad who was on break from a busy day at work was pretty annoyed.

Dr. Inconsiderate was friendly though and said everything was looking perfect with both me and Snow Pea. Her oldest child was born from FET too so it was cool to talk to an OB that really understood everything we had been through to get here. Before the appointment ended she handed me a lab order for the dreaded glucose test and told me I needed to go before my next appointment, which she then informed me would be in 2 weeks! Holy wow! I knew that once you got to your third trimester, appointments were every two weeks, instead of every four, but I can't believe I am about to be at that point!

In case you are wondering, as of today I am 25 weeks 4 days pregnant with about 15 weeks to go! It seems like it is flying by. I guess when compared with how long it took until I had a healthy, viable pregnancy, nine months really isn't a very long time. Although I have heard that time slows down when you get really close to delivery day so we'll see if this warp speed feeling lasts. Maybe it just feels like it is flying by because I am enjoying it so much! Time flies when you are having fun, right? I really am having so much fun watching my body grow with new life and bonding with this little miracle before she is even born. I just can't wait until the day I can hear her sweet heartbeat for myself as she is laying in my arms.

Wordless Wednesday: Modern Miracle

Our Number One

Now that I am a few weeks past the half way mark in my pregnancy, I can unequivocally say that I really love being pregnant! My belly is no longer bloated looking but actually round and baby-ish. I won't lie, getting dressed is an epic event every morning as I tear through my closet trying to find something that fits, but once I do I am always excited to see my round tummy in the mirror. I also absolutely adore feeling Snow Pea kicking, flipping, and swimming around inside my belly. She seems to be most active around 10 or 11pm which is perfect timing for me and Chad to lay in bed feel her thumps and bumps. The past few days though the kicks felt a little more scary than sweet.

A few days ago, I was sitting on the couch going about my daily internet habit when I suddenly felt a sharp kick. I smiled and patted my tummy, but a few moments later, I felt a very unnerving and uncomfortable spasm across my cervix. It made me wince in discomfort but I assumed it was just yet another of the weird quirks, pains and aches that come with pregnancy. But it kept happening, and it kept getting more frequent and more uncomfortable. After one evening of quite a few "cervical twitches" that had me jumping in pain and anxiety, Chad was researching the hard to explain symptoms and insisting I call the OB's office first thing in the morning. He is not one to get worried or anxious so seeing him so concerned made more nervous than I already was.

Yesterday morning, I called the office and tried as best as I could to explain what was happening. I was very nonchalant about it, expecting them to reassure me that these feelings were normal and not to worry. Instead, the receptionist asked if I could come in that afternoon and scheduled me for the 1st available opening. Knowing they weren't taking this lightly made me a bit more nervous but I tried to stay busy and optimistic until my appointment.

Finally, 2:45 came. Since my appointment was so last minute, Dr. Casual was unavailable and instead I met with the Nurse Practitioner, I will call her Nurse Understanding because that's what she is! She's simply awesome and totally "gets it". She came in after having read my chart and instantly said how important it is to keep this pregnancy on the safe track after all we went through to achieve it. She asked about my RE and the IVF process and was very attentive and compassionate as she did so. She said she was so thrilled for me and knew how precious this baby is to me. I felt so validated to know that she took the time to learn about our struggle and to honor it.

I explained what was happening a best as I could. She told me she was glad I came in and then checked everything out. I am very relieved and happy to report that my cervix is completely closed and nice and long so there is absolutely nothing wrong with me or Snow Pea. She didn't stop there though. She also did an ultrasound just to give me even more reassurance. The ultrasound confirmed what we suspected- Snow Pea is hanging out very low in my tummy and is extremely active. So those painful spasms turned out to be my sweet baby occasionally using my cervix as her own personal punching bag.

I told Nurse Understanding that I felt silly coming in like this but she reassured me that she would rather see me 100 times and have nothing be wrong than not come in the one time that I really needed to and so I should always call anytime I have questions or concerns. It wasn't doctor lip service either, I could tell she really meant it. She confessed that when she was pregnant with both of her kids, she would sneak into an empty exam room during her lunch breaks and give herself ultrasounds almost daily. Since I don't have that luxury, she treated me to a longer ultrasound and spent time pointing out each of Snow Pea's precious baby parts. She was even thoughtful enough to grab my phone for me so that I could record a video for Chad. During the scan, she flipped on the doppler and I got to hear the sweetest sound in the world for only the second time, my baby's perfect heartbeat.

As we looked closely at her long limbs, toes and fingers, Nurse Understanding and I could see her wiggling her little fingers around and it turns out that my little angel agrees with me that she is the best. This is by far my favorite and the cutest ultrasound picture we have of her yet!

I am so glad I went in. Although I felt a teeny bit over-dramatic it so much better to be safe than sorry, and it's nice to say goodbye to the anxiety of worrying. Plus I was able to spend some quality seeing Snow Pea in action and share the video with Chad. She really is number one!

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: What I'm Thankful For

I know it's a little late but just because Thanksgiving has passed doesn't mean I don't still have plenty to be thankful for. Such as:

A wonderful, loving husband

An amazing family

Incredible In-Laws (yes, I know how VERY lucky I got on this one!)

Fantastic friends from coast...

....to coast.

Constant, unconditional support from all of you

And of course what I am most grateful for, and the picture I have been most asked for these past few weeks...

A cute belly bump, where my sweet baby girl is currently growing and thriving

I am so grateful for everything in my life right now. Even though my infertility will always be part of me and I still face it daily and will have to receive treatment again when we decide to have another child, I know there is a special appreciation of these things I might not have had without my experiences and struggles. I truly feel incredibly fortunate for all of the love in my life. I may never be a millionaire, or set foot on every continent, or be famous and well-known, or be able to say I've lived a pain free life, but I have the things that matter most- and that includes you, so Thank You.

Halfway to Reality

This week I am 20 weeks pregnant, halfway there! I can't believe it! The first half of this pregnancy has been nothing short of wonderful. Sure I had some nausea, some trouble sleeping, and I've missed many a funny movie quote thanks to my 300th trip to the bathroom, but none of that compares to living this miracle.

Not long ago, I had begun to question if motherhood would ever happen for me. I spent so long on the exhausting journey to get here that I couldn't imagine any other way of life. I felt like a hamster stuck in a wheel that was doomed to go around and around but never reach my destination. To actually see the progress of each day and to reach this amazing milestone feels like a true miracle. And this week has provided many amazing milestones for me, Chad and Snow Pea.

About 4 weeks ago I began feeling the first flutters of Snow Pea moving around in my tummy. At first I thought I might be imagining things or making them up because I was so anxious to feel something, but when another friend described what her flutters felt like, I knew it was exactly what I felt too. I was amazed and excited. I spent many free moments sitting as still as possible to see if I could feel it again. For the past week or so though, sitting still has stopped being necessary. I no longer feel little flutters but all out baby flips! She is so so crazy active, I jump in surprise regularly when I feel her thump me from inside.

Feeling such distinct movement is all at once amazing and bizarre. I feel so much more connected to her when she makes herself known like that, she feels so much more real and alive. But it also is a little freaky when she whacks me out of nowhere and I am sometimes reminded of a certain famous scene from "Alien". Honestly though, I love it and have been anxious for the day when Chad could feel her move too. I researched the time line of when that usually happens and was sad to read it's typically another month before the baby can be felt from the outside. This past Sunday though she was moving so fiercely, I thought there was no way he wouldn't be able to feel it. So I lay in bed and pressed his hand to my tummy, and shortly after she thumped, hard. I turned to Chad and his eyes were huge and beyond excited. He felt her too! It was incredible. Feeling her move was wonderful enough but it feels even better to be able to share it with him.

The next day we were excited to be able to see our precious Snow Pea again at the 20 week anatomy scan. Some of you may already know there was some drama surrounding this particular ultrasound and whether my insurance would cover it. My OB's office warned me that they have never received a payout on this claim because my company deems it unnecessary unless it is a high risk pregnancy. Chad and I spent days researching the policy, the claim history at the hospital, and the uses of this particular scan. We still are not 100% sure if our claim will be paid, but after talking it over we agreed that we had come much too far and fought much too hard to take any chances now. This is the ultrasound that can potentially find any heart defects or other abnormalities and if there is a problem, knowing about in advance can potentially save our baby's life. Once we realized that, there was no question about what we would do. (Of course I reserve the right to blog an angry rant if our insurance does deny our claim)

The scan itself went well. Snow Pea stayed true to her behavior the previous day and moved around like crazy. She literally did somersaults and flipped position many times, starting out head down and then quickly moving into the exact opposite position and then moving into a completely different spot after that. The poor tech had a lot of trouble getting some of the pictures she needed, particularly of the heart. The good news is, Snow Pea finally did stay still long enough to get those important images, and she gave Chad and I some extra time to watch her on screen.

Since the tech doesn't do the interpretation, we won't have any official reports until my OB appointment next week, but from what I gathered Snow Pea is doing well. She is still a she and measuring pretty much right on target. She is about 14 ounces now and the size of a cantaloupe! The coolest part of the scan was seeing her move on screen and feeling it at the exact same time. I teared up a bit at that moment, it was just such an incredible connection. This isn't just some picture on the screen, this is a baby, my baby, my daughter and she is living and growing inside me. Despite my difficulty believing it, this is real, I am no longer living in the hamster wheel. Every day things progress more and more and I am one day closer to reaching my destination, one step closer to being a mom.

It's the Great Blog Catch Up!

Wow have I been a bad blogger or what? I have never been away for so long and it's definitely not for a lack of things to write about. There is so much to catch up on! But since it's my fault I've been away so long and not yours, I will spare you the long version of the past 3 weeks and instead give you the fun, quick version along with pictures!

As you may remember, October was Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month and having experienced pregnancy loss myself earlier this year as well as having so many close friends who have also miscarried or lost their little ones, it was important to both Chad and I to honor those precious lives. On October 23rd, we participated in the OC Walk to Remember, a 5k walk to take the steps our babies never got to take.We walked for Sprout and for every other Angel baby. We really wanted to support other parents who had suffered a loss, especially our neighbors, who you may remember lost their little girl earlier this year. It made for a special morning to walk side by side with them and remember their beautiful daughter.
Later that same day, I put my pregnant body through even more physical demands and danced "Thriller" as part of the annual event, "Thrill the World", in which people all over the world dance at the same exact time in an effort to set new world records. (here is Thrill The World's website if you want more info on the dance and the event.) I danced last year and had a blast, so I decided to make it an annual tradition. The dance is surprisingly fun and easy to learn. This year I struggled a bit more as this was also the week I started showing and as such had some trouble with some of the moves, especially the ones that require bending at the waist. Nevertheless, I had fun with my zombie pals and can't wait to do it again next year, this time with Snow Pea there to watch!
Of course if that's all just one day's worth of fun news, you know there is plenty more! Just a few days later, Chad and I boarded a plane for the East coast to enjoy almost two full weeks catching up with our family and friends in Florida. It was an amazing trip. We were all over the place but it was worth it to spend time with the people we love, especially our families. My sister in law was a true hero and took Chad and me to Babies R Us to help us register. It would have been SO overwhelming without her help! I even got the opportunity to have lunch with two of my favorite twitter/blog girls, Katie at From IF to When and Erin at Our Heart's Desire. Both of these ladies have been such amazing and supportive friends and it was wonderful to sit and chat with them. Erin even made me and Snow Pea a sweet and beautiful gift, a handmade bib and matching burp cloth.

While we were home, we also got to celebrate Halloween with some of our best friends and as always it was so much fun to dress up! Chad was a mad scientist while Snow Pea and I were his monster creation. It was so amazing to incorporate our sweet miracle into Halloween this year and have a little fun with it.
We had so much fun with our visit, but spending quality time with my mom was at the top of my list and I am so glad we got to share some special moments together this week. She even got to spoil her first grandchild with the first big purchase for the nursery, the bedding set. It was also my mom who inadvertently discovered it for me, in a book she gave as a gift when I arrived to her house. Of course after I fell in love with the design, I found out it was discontinued. But not to be dissuaded, I scoured the internet and found a full set for sale on craigslist there in town!
So now that I have shown you the bedding we selected some of you may be trying to guess Snow Pea's sex based on the design and colors, so I will tell you what we told our family while we were home visiting last week:

Precious Baby Snow Pea has ten tiny fingers and ten little toes,
A perfect little mouth and a sweet baby nose,
There's two arms and two legs, a head, a tummy and ears,
But according to the doctor the picture definitely shows...
That sweet baby Snow Pea does NOT have one of those!

That's right, Snow Pea is a GIRL! I wanted to tell you all right away believe me, but we wanted to be sure to be able to really surprise our families with the news in person so that meant waiting to post anything online until after the reveal. We didn't even tell anyone that we were having an ultrasound, just in case Snow Pea didn't cooperate. Dr Casual was really great when we told him we were going out of town and agreed to get us in the day before our trip. He did a quick check of Snow Pea's little heart and tried to get a peek between the legs. He said our little one was quite the wiggler and I thought he hadn't been able to see what he needed to, but he smiled and assured me that he saw just everything clearly and that this was news we could shop on!

I am already so in love with this little girl. I know I sound like a broken record but I still feel so incredibly blessed to be at this point, sharing this news. There were so many times when I truly believed I may never experience any of these things and I often still can't believe it's real. We have definitely had a wonderful past few weeks and I am grateful for every second.