I Want Off This Roller Coaster!

It has been 2 days since my first beta confirming pregnancy and this morning I went in for my 2nd round of blood work. Of course me being me and having "infertile brain" I was kinda nervous after the blood draw and the longer it took to get the call with my results, the more nervous I became. Finally the phone rang and I got the update. My progesterone and estrogen levels are right where they should be, so I am continuing my injections and gel as I have been since the transfer. The hCG levels on the other hand are another story.

I could tell right away by the nurse's voice when she called that something was not quite right. And then when she said "I'm calling to talk to you about your blood test" (instead of tell you about it) I got really nervous. My 1st beta on Saturday morning was around 230 and it supposed to double every 48 hours, which means they expected today's to be around 460. Instead it was only 385, a rise of about 64% according to the clinic. The nurse told me to be "cautiously optimistic" and then advised me to stay calm and relaxed until my next beta which is not until Friday. Thankfully she did acknowledge that this was easier said than done. I am trying very hard to stay as calm as possible but inside I am so incredibly scared.

I called Chad and relayed the entire conversation to him. He sounded like the wind had been knocked out of him and then said he was coming home. I told him he didn't need to but really I am glad he did. I just needed a hug from him if nothing else. When he got home we both Googled and I tweeted and I am happy to say we did get some reassuring information. A rise over 60% is considered adequate and there is still a good chance everything will be fine.

Of course, that doesn't completely stop me from being scared out of my mind. I know I have only been pregnant for two days but I don't think I can survive the heartbreak if it doesn't last. I am holding on to every ounce of faith and hope I have that this will turn out OK, but part of me just wants to cry out "It isn't fair!" Trying to become a mom has been such a roller coaster already. For the past 3 years I have been through so many physical and emotional ups, downs, twists and turns and finally the light at the end had appeared, only to throw me into another loop. Why can't it ever just be simple? I thought surviving last week while I anxiously waited to find out if my IVF was successful was bad, but now I have to wait almost another week to find out if my success will be short lived or not. I just want off this roller coaster already! I will gladly get onto another one, as I know parenting is a roller coaster of emotions too, but I am ready to say goodbye to this one!

Thank you so much to everyone that has been there for me today by providing kinds words and reassuring information, as well as for keeping me and Sprout in your thoughts and prayers. It means more to me and has helped more than you will ever know. I hope I have good news to share on Friday.