Friday, July 30, 2010

You Have Questions, I Have Answers

I know a lot of you have been patiently waiting on the edge of your seats to hear my beta results and some of you may have noticed me not so gracefully dodging your questions about exactly when the test would be. I am so sorry for leaving you all hanging like that. You all have been so amazing and so genuinely supportive during this FET and I don't think I would have survived this cycle without your encouragement. Please don't think I have avoided answering your questions for any reason other than my own crazy nervousness. My blog and twitter followers are the best and I adore you all! So without dragging it out any longer than I already have I can now tell you that I did indeed have my beta and the results came back positive!

I had the first test at my RE's on Tuesday the 27th.
Chad and I both took the day off so that we could be together when the news came and either cry or smile privately. I woke up that morning feeling convinced that it would be a bfp (a far cry from how I felt just a few days ago, thanks very much weekend getaway!) but of course then I was immediately terrified at how awful I would feel if I was wrong. I went in for bloodwork at 8:25am and at 10:33am the nurse called and told me that my beta number was 737. Neither of us jumped for joy the same way we did for our first BFP and Chad kept telling himself he wouldn't get overly excited yet, but we couldn't help but smile and get a teeny bit giddy when we called our parents and siblings to tell them the results.

After listening to all the happy voices of our mothers and sisters, we had to again face reality and the anxiety of the 2nd beta. If you remember my first BFP experience, my beta tests and following ultrasounds became a roller coaster of exhausting and heartbreaking emotions as I kept having blood drawn and kept being told that the numbers were rising but not quite enough. The ride ended crushingly in a miscarriage and D&C at 8 weeks. So yesterday morning, I was more nervous waiting for the call to hear whether my hCG had successfully doubled or not than I was waiting to find out whether it was in my system in the first place. After what seemed like the longest 4 hours of my life, the nurse finally called and told me that my beta was 1315, a rise of 78%. She then went on to say this is "not necessarily a bad thing", wording I wish she had thought out before saying because it only increased my anxiety. My next beta is Monday morning.

I want to say that I am as excited and overjoyed as I know I should be, but honestly I am a big pot of nerves with a heap of hopefulness and a dash of excitement thrown in. And that is most likely the state my emotions will stay in until we can hear a heartbeat. I know the heartbeat is not everything, and there will be plenty of other things to get nervous about after that, but since we never made it that far with Sprout, I feel like I can at least begin to embrace and get excited about being pregnant. Right now I still have a hard time using that word in relation to myself. It just doesn't feel really real yet. I am excited and happy and so incredibly grateful, but also very scared that history will repeat itself and this will end badly too. Every time I have a happy thought for myself, a frightened one is in the back of my mind. But I am fighting those fears as best as I can and I know I can win.

Again, thank you to everyone that has supported and encouraged me these past few weeks and especially to those who have hoped for me when my hope was gone. You have no idea how much your support means to me, I truly don't think I would be here without it.

30 comments:

Katie said...

Oh, Holly. I am so incredibly happy for you and can't imagine how nervous you must be feeling. I'm royally ticked at that nurse for phrasing it like that and making things even worse. As if you aren't anxious enough! Hoping and praying for an amazing beta on Monday and a healthy, sticky bean.

xoxo

Sharoni said...

Yay Holly! I'm so happy for you guys, you both have been in my prayers. Good vibes your way! : )

Tillie said...

Sending lots of prayers your way! I'm praying for peace and for you to be able to enjoy the whole pregnancy without fear. Love you girl!

Kaitlin said...

Holly, I am so excited and happy for you. This is truly wonderful news. I'm keeping everything crossed that this is a happy and healthy pregnancy. I love you doll. I only hope for the very best for you. :) <3

Courtney (AKA MommaRoberts) said...

That is amazing!I hope you only hear nothing but good news! Praying for you guys!

Kelly said...

Holly, I wish I could strangle that nurse for how she phrased that! I know you must be a bundle of nerves but it's a great number! I hope the weekend flies by!

Randifity said...

I'm very happy for you Holly. I hope you hear nothing but great things about your pregnancy for the next 9 months :) *hugs*

You're so in my thoughts and prayers this weekend!

My So-Called (TTC) Life said...

Holly, I am SO happy for you! Been thinking so much about you this week and your beta and am delighted the news was a BFP! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers as I have been the past few weeks.

Congrats!

Dana said...

Oh sweet girl! I will be praying for you! :) This is wonderful and it just HAS to stick this time!

Waiting Lisa said...

I'm right there with you every step of the way. Love you. Congratulations again to you and Chad. <3

Courtney said...

I can totally understand your huge amount of mixed emotions. I wish you all the best including a huge amount of peace as you embark on this new journey.

All my love,
Courtney

Amaprincess said...

I AM SO EXCITED!!!! SOOOOO SOOOO EXCITED!!! xoxoxoxo

Beckie's Infertile said...

Woo Hoo Holly! Great news! I am excited for you guys!

AL said...

Yay for a BFP!!

I can imagine how anxious and excited and scared you are right now..I am hoping and praying along with you that THIS is IT!!

the baby baker said...

congrats!!! what such great, happy news! i totally understand your caution. you have to protect your heart, i get that. but it doesn't mean i can't be over the moon for your news! :)

Miracle in the Making said...

Just wanted to say again how happy I am for you and Chad! Congratulations Holly!! I totally understand all of the emotions you are dealing with, and I think it's perfectly normal *hugs* Prayers for you, Chad and baby! xoxo

Ashley said...

YAY!!! SOOOO happy for you, Holly!! Congratulations!

Jen said...

Hell yeah beta!!!!! You've got some good eggs, lady. HUGE prayers that the numbers keep going up. And, you just take care of you. Whatever you need to do - don't worry about us. We'll be here whenever you need us.

PCOSChick said...

Soooooo VERY excited for you!!!!

SarahM said...

Congratulations on the BFP!! Keeping fingers crossed that Monday's beta brings BIG numbers. Hang in there. I know how nerve wracking this time can be.

BabyWid said...

Oh hun, I'm SO overly happy for you! Congrats on your BFP!! I wish you a very happy and healthy 9 months, you deserve every minute of it! Can't wait to follow you on your journey into motherhood!

Brave IVF Girl said...

Thrilled for you! Thse numbers are awesome. *hugs*

Tiffany said...

yay Holly!! Fantastic numbers!! I know there is nothing but wonderful things in store for you! Congratulations...you're pregnant!

Roxanne said...

Yay!!! Sooo happy for you!!! Congratulations to you and the Hubby!!

ryansmom said...

Congratulations on your BFP! I'm so happy for you and your husband. Your story gives me hope for my upcoming FET.

Chasing a Miracle said...

as always holly you are in my prayers... I know just how scared you must be and once again, i will not stop hoping and praying and hacing all the faith i can unitl you have that miracle in your arms.

Hold on lovely and no matter how hopless it seems, no matter how hard things get, no matter what the outcome, just know that we are all here for you wishing for your miracle just as much as we wished for ours.

I know you dont want to let yourself have to much hope - i have been there, and i know just what it is like to be so scared yet so happy and yet so horribly confused all at the same time, but for us, for me... look into the mirror and tell yourself that you derserve this, that this dream is to be yours, and that no matter what you are you, and you are stronger than any of this pain.

This morning once again my heart hopes with all it has for you and i promise you that there is no lies in my heart when i say i am sitting here cring my freshly mascarared eyes out for you.....

Everything inside of me is hoping...

Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of love coming to you accross the miles my sweet..

xoxox
Cheryl.

Natalie said...

congrats!!!! praying for u!

Amber said...

I will be apprehensively excited for you until you say it's okay to jump for joy! Congrats in advance for when that day comes. :)

T said...

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! YEAH!!!! Congratulations! I know you have so many fears, but I am just going to be 100% excited for you right now. THIS IS SO FREAKIN FANTASTIC!!!!!

Lindsey said...

Oh my gosh, I can't believe I missed this. I was sick the last three days and couldn't get to a computer. Gah! I'm so excited for you, and keeping everything crossed tight for you guys!
Congratulations!