Thursday, June 24, 2010

The 4 C's: Cramps, Crankiness, Cravings & Crazies

I wish I had an update that AF had arrived, but no such luck. And it seems that all of this waiting has made me a little crazy, envisioning AF as less of an "aunt" and more of an evil trickster faerie that enjoys toying with me.

Today it seems that she has doused me with her infamous mood swing dust. I have gone from almost smiling to all out ugly cry face in 30 seconds flat this afternoon, and not for any significant reason. I was also irrationally annoyed and snappy with Chad yesterday. This could be a good sign, right? I'll be honest, it has been easy to push me to the emotional edge these past two months, I mean it's not like you have to push far- I live pretty close to that edge lately, but still I do feel a bit more hormonally moody today. I also have had some intense junk and chocolate cravings. A fudge brownie sundae sounds like a great dinner option right now. And maybe I am just imagining symptoms but I swear I am starting to feel some tummy cramps too, unless it is just all those crunches I did this morning...

Once a paranoid symptom checker... Even when the symptoms I am hunting and hoping for are AF and not pregnancy symptoms I can't help but over-analyze every mood, every twinge, every craving. Old habits really do die hard I guess. But it does seem as if I am starting to see all 4 C's in the symptom checklist, cramps, cravings, crankiness and crazies. If these really are pre-AF symptoms, then in just a few short weeks I will be back to paranoid symptom checking for pregnancy.

Wow, that really just hit me for the first time. Yes, I am still annoyed and slightly bitter that it's been taking so long for the evil AF faerie to pay me a visit, but I am so excited that once she does finally show, this FET is on! No cycle of BCP beforehand, no egg retrieval just a few quick checks of my uterine lining, a couple weeks of meds then BAM! transfer time. Wow that really is exciting! And I am so ready to do it.

Now I need the evil AF faerie to show! But how to get her here? The tooth fairy is after teeth, so maybe if I leave a negative HPT under my pillow tonight she'll send her "monthly gift" to me by morning? It does seem like she has already started sending her favorite gags my way. I just need to be sure she knows that even though her presence is welcome and wished for now, I have no desire to see her heartbreaking glare or any of her tricks after this transfer. I am ready to put this crazy silliness of mine to use having fun with my kids, and I will gladly put the other 3 C's to use during the 9 month process of bringing my child into the world.

***UPDATE*** As I hoped the AF faerie came last night! I don't feel like quite like a kid on Christmas, or even one that just had a visit from the tooth fairy since is a mixed blessing of sorts what with the cramps and all, but I am pretty excited. I have my first appointment for this cycle this afternoon! That's TODAY! YAY I'M STARTING FET!!!!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Getting Back In the Flow

I need to get back in the flow, in more ways than one. I have been away from my blog and others blogs a lot in the past 2 months, mostly because I have also been out of the TTC game and haven't had too much to say. I really want to get back into the flow of writing and reading and commenting and being a part of the blogosphere that has been so wonderful to me. Also, today is 8 weeks to the day since my D&C and still no AF so that is another flow I really need to get back in to.

My RE said that after the procedure my period should return in about 4 to 6 weeks. Somewhere in the 5th week I started having tiny little hints of symptoms- a uterine twinge here, a tiny spot there- but no AF. I waited patiently and called my RE once the 6 week mark passed without AF. Dr Jedi spoke to me directly and we discussed options, finally agreeing to go through with a 5 day dose of Provera to bring on my period. I felt huge mix of emotions at this decision. I was relieved to be doing something more proactive than just idly waiting, but I also felt fear and anxiety about taking a new drug, as well as sadness that I needed it.

I have never taken Provera until now and I have heard many horror stories about the mood swings and other side effects of this super dose of progesterone, so I was very nervous that my already high level emotions would shoot off the charts. I finished the pills last night and the good news is I haven't had any symptoms or side effects, but the bad news is I haven't had any symptoms or side effects. I feel like AF is no closer than she was a few weeks ago. Hopefully I'm wrong though and she makes her grand and much anticipated entrance this week. It's so ironic to me that every TTCer I know is always praying for AF to stay away and bring a pregnancy but when situations arise that we really need her to come so that we can TTC again, she stays away. I know in reality AF is not a living thing but sometimes I start to believe my period really is a "she", some sort of mischievous faerie or sprite playing tricks on me for her own amusement. I hope she's getting a good laugh because I certainly don't find her jokes funny.

In addition to being nervous about taking a new drug for the first time, the decision to start Provera made me very sad. I started taking it just as I started what would have been my 16th week of pregnancy. Instead of getting ready to find out if my little Sprout was a boy or a girl, I was popping pills to force my period to come back. It just seemed so incredibly cruel and unfair. But I also knew that this would get me one step closer to being back on track with my FET and bring my baby that much closer to me.

Although it is sad that I am no longer pregnant (and haven't been for 2 months) I am so ready to get back in the flow and back to TTC. I am ready for the evil, tricky AF faerie to make her appearance so that I can start my FET. I feel like a car that has stalled. I keep turning the key but all I get are whirring, sputtering sounds. Hopefully, the Provera will get the car started again. The really good news is that once she finally shows it wont be more than a few weeks until my transfer. As much as I dread another 2ww, I can't wait for it either.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Working It Out

As you may have noticed from this past month's blog entries, there has not been a whole lot going on with me lately. Since my miscarriage, I have just been trying to stay busy while I wait for AF so that I can start FET. All of this waiting has made it difficult to keep my brain from doing crazy things- as you may also have noticed from this past month's blog entries- and my struggles with my body have been no exception.

I was pregnant for 8 weeks. It wasn't long but in that short time my body began responding the way a pregnant body should. I was fatigued, bloated, and my breasts became very large and sore. It was all in the name of baby so it didn't matter, actually it was a good thing! But then came getting un-pregnant. A week or so after the D&C my breasts didn't hurt and I could easily make through the day without needing a nap (so long as I hadn't been up too late crying the night before) but 5 weeks later and my body hasn't bounced back quite so well.

I will be honest, I, like many women, have been carrying around negative body image issues for years. I don't want to be "that girl" but I can't help comparing myself to what I used to look like when I was 22 and wondering if I "look fat in this". It's awful and my goal for many years has been to develop a healthier body image and learn to stop chastising myself. I do not want my kids to learn this mindset and continue the negative cycle. I know that a lot of my predilection toward negativity is learned. It's as if we are taught not be happy with how we look and we pass that on to the next generation. I know hearing my mom call herself fat definitely didn't keep me from feeling inclined to do it to myself. I've been trying for years to be happy with me and I can't say that I've completely undone my negative body issues, but I've made progress.

But this past month has been different, it's been worse. I have truly hated seeing myself in the mirror and even more so in pictures. I can see every flaw, every extra ounce as if I were under a microscope.
I am healthy and while my body is not perfect, I know logically that I am ok, I look ok. But every time I see myself I see the changes. I see my slightly pudgier tummy, my fuller breasts and my rounder face and I can't stand it. Every extra bit of softness that came after I got pregnant is an awful physical reminder of what my body was doing, should still be doing, but isn't. It just feels so unfair to have gone through all of these physical changes without anything to show for it. The extra pounds would be fine with me if it meant my child was healthy and alive inside of me. Even though I know it wasn't mine or my body's fault that I miscarried, I still sometimes feel like it betrayed me. I have been dealing with anger toward my body because I can't get pregnant on my own for a long time already so adding the miscarriage just made it easy to hate my body even more.

But the good news is, my desire to get the 5 pounds I gained while pregnant off before trying FET, has given me an unexpected emotional outlet. I have always tried to exercise at least a few times a week. I drag Chad on walks after dinner as often as possible and always try to do some sort of workout in the morning. But this week I have a new found love for breaking a sweat. I have been hitting the elliptical every day as well as tossing in cardio sculpt dvds each morning and keeping up our evening walks. Don't worry I'm not going crazy and over-exerting my body. I keep my heart rate in check and stick to a half hour to 45 minutes for each workout, but it really has helped my mental state. Not only am I getting the endorphin exercise high, I am also feeling better about myself, little by little. The scale hasn't changed yet and my clothes still fit pretty much the same (although a wee bit better), but I hate myself and my body a lot less and that matters more.