Sunday, February 28, 2010

My Mirror Has Two Faces

Well now that I am into my IVF cycle I am officially seeing a doctor more times a week and taking more drugs than I ever thought I would in my entire life, and today those numbers went up yet again, only this time it is in no way fertility related.

It all started with a typical cold about a week ago. Just your basic, run of the mill stuffy nose, post nasal drip, sore throat, body aches. But as it cleared up it left my tongue feeling slightly numb. I didn't think too much of it at first, I still had some sinus congestion and figured all that extra mucus was probably just messing with my taste buds and leaving my mouth feeling off, plus I had been forced to breathe through my mouth for a few days and that always causes weirdness. But when the numbness still wasn't gone by the end of the week I started to wonder. I did some asking around with Dr. Google and on twitter and decided to call my RE to be sure it wasn't a reaction to the Lupron (facial swelling/numbness can be a symptom of a serious allergic reaction). I was so nervous that this would be the case and my cycle would be canceled. Thankfully he ruled a reaction out pretty quickly and we confirmed it when I went in for my weekly appointment on Friday morning. By then the numbness had gone down considerably and was back to just being on the tip of my tongue.

Saturday though was a whole new world. That's when the entire left side of my face started feeling numb and stopped working! When I tried to eat, smile, or put on lipstick I realized that the left side of my mouth was not quite cooperating. Then I realized I also couldn't raise my left eyebrow and Chad noticed that my left eye wasn't blinking. It was a simultaneously hilarious and frightening sight to say the least. By the time we realized just how paralyzed my face was it was really late and I was very tired so Chad and I both decided to sleep and then decide how to proceed in the morning.

Well this morning came and at first I felt completely back to normal. All feeling had returned and I was feeling good. So good that i broke into a great big smile , a great big HALF smile. Yep, I thought I was healed overnight but I was very wrong. So we called the Nurse hotline offered by our insurance and described what was happening and of course she recommended seeking medical treatment so off to the ER we went. Apparently facial paralysis is not a good thing and we were whisked through to a room very quickly, where I was also quickly diagnosed with Bell's Palsy.

It sounds like a scary name, but it's actually very common and very random. It's comes out of nowhere and then usually goes away on it's own as mysteriously as it came. It's basically a compressed facial nerve that cause temporary facial paralysis on one side. They believe it's caused by an viral infection but there is no 100% way to determine what caused it. I just know that it's not serious and it goes away on it's own most of the time.

Of course I was yet again freaked out that this would somehow impact my IVF cycle but so far things are still going according to plan. After calling my RE to confirm that it is OK for me to take additional meds with the ones I am currently on for IVF (and also having a nice little giggle about my distorted face), the ER doctor prescribed me a steroid to assist the repair of my facial nerve and an anti-viral medication for the whatever may have caused this to begin with. I also have to use artificial tears for my non-blinking eye so that it doesn't dry out and get infected. So that's 3 drugs to add to my list. Oh and I start my stims tonight, so add 2 more. Which means this week I will be receiving an injection in my thigh, an injection containing 2 medications in my stomach, orally taking 2 different steroids (one of them 3 times a day), and another oral dose of an anti-viral medication 4 times a day. Whew, that is a whole lot of drugs in one little body.

There is no way to know how long this Bell's Palsy thing will last. Dr Google, and the ER doc both said it can be gone in days or in months. My sister in law knew someone who had it for 2 years and other people I have talked said it went away for their respective friends and family members after a few weeks. I am also slightly nervous about the small possibility that this will not clear up completely. Chad did some searching and found out that
George Clooney, Pierce Brosnan, and Katie Holmes have all been affected by Bell's Palsy, and I don't know if you see it but don't they all have slightly crooked smiles?

Honestly though I am trying to stay optimistic and hope this goes away as quickly and completely as it came.
But for now I can do an uncanny and hilarious "Two Face" impression, although don't expect to see me in any photos until this clears up, I don't want to break any cameras.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

99 Things

After blogging about my baby bucket list last week (you can get caught up on that post here) I started noticing a lot of the blogs in my reader posting a list of 99 life experiences, highlighting the ones they have completed. After completing the list myself I have realized that I have had some great experiences in my life so far but there are still may left that I want to accomplish (particularly # 94)

Bold the things that you've done...

Started your own blog - yup, and here it is
Slept under the stars - yes, lots. Camping is one of all time favorite activities
3. Played in a band - not unless you count "Rock Band"

Visited Hawaii- need to do this
Watched a meteor shower - another favorite activity. I LOVE the night sky
Given more than you can afford to charity - I don't know if it's truly more than I can afford since I was able to give it, but I try to help when I can
Been to DisneyWorld - I grew up in Orlando, kinda hard to have missed it
Climbed a mountain - I enjoy hiking in the mountains and hills although I complain almost every time we are going uphill
9. Held a praying mantis - I didn't have a lot of bug fears as a child

10. Sang a solo -I loved to sing as a child

11. Bungee jumped - for my 27th birthday.Scariest thing I have done, ever

Visited Paris - We were in Paris for our 2nd wedding anniversary. I wasn't expecting to love it as much I did
Watched a lightning storm - Growing up in the lightning capital of the world makes this one impossible to miss. I love a good storm
Taught yourself an art from scratch - I don't have enough patience with myself
15. Adopted a child - not yet, but it's definitely still on the list of possibilities for me

Had food poisoning - ugh so awful
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - I have been to it but the top was closed to visitors

Grown your own vegetables - I have Japanese eggplant growing in my garden now
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France - We saw the outside of the Louvre but never made it inside

20. Slept on an overnight train - solo trip from Orlando to NYC, amazing experience
Had a pillow fight - I had a love for slumber parties and all things that went with them
22. Hitch hiked - no and don't ever plan too, eek!
Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - and I felt sooo guilty all day
24. Built a snow fort -no snow in my childhood but I have built lots of sheet forts

Held a lamb - never had the opportunity
Gone skinny dipping - one of those crazy in my younger days things
27. Run a Marathon - I have walked a 5k though

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - I was on a boat
in a canal in Venice , I'm counting it
29. Seen a total eclipse - no but I would really love to
and I have seen a lunar eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - of course!

31. Hit a home run - once that I can remember and I am still in disbelief

32. Been on a cruise - a few actually. One of my favorite ways to vacation

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person- I should add this to the list

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors- I would love to visit Czech!

35. Seen an Amish community- do the Mennonites count?

36. Taught yourself a new language- I am working on learning Espanol
and I am still very fluent in pig-latin
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - I have no complaints

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person - We weren't in Italy long enough
to visit Pisa
39. Gone rock climbing - indoor rock climbing counts, right?

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
- he wasn't seeing visitors
Sung karaoke - and it was plenty hilarious
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
- maybe on a future camping trip?
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
- I bought a stranger a meal at a drive thru, does that count?
44. Visited Africa -
would very much love to
Walked on a beach by moonlight - definitely
46. Been transported in an ambulance - and it was pretty scary and very uncomfortable

47. Had your portrait painted - not sure if I could hold still long enough

48. Gone deep sea fishing - I went with my dad in Alaska. It was a lot of fun!

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person- it was closed that day

Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris - watched the sunset from the top, gorgeous
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling - I can't scuba thanks to bad ears but snorkeling is fun
52. Kissed in the rain - so cheesy romantic
53. Played in the mud - childhood requirement
Gone to a drive-in theater - a plan is in the works
55. Been in a movie - it was a high school indie contest thing, I got stabbed in the shower

56. Visited the Great Wall of China - maybe one day
57. Started a business
- does nannying/babysitting count?
58. Taken a martial arts class - I took Tae Kwon Do in high school, made it to green belt

59. Visited Russia - maybe an Eastern European tour when I visit Czech

60. Served at a soup kitchen - no but I have plan to soon

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies - I rocked the girl scout thing in elementary school

Gone whale watching - with my sister in Alaska
Got flowers for no reason - the best reason to get flowers
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma -I am big advocate of donation
65. Gone sky diving - I really really want to but not sure if my ears will let me
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp -
it would be sad but an important visit
Bounced a check - I'm not big on checks
68. Flown in a helicopter -
I need to
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy -
I have a teddy bear that still sleeps with me when I am particularly sad. Chad hates him
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial - I was only in DC for an afternoon and didn't make it here

71. Eaten Caviar -
not very memorable actually
Pieced a quilt - my crafting skills leave something to be desired
73. Stood in Times Square - I heart NYC although I'm not a huge fan of times square

74. Toured the Everglades - Yup in an air boat and everything

75. Been fired from a job -
came really close once when I was 16 though
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London - playing in the Queen's daffodil's was more fun though
77. Broken a bone - amazing considering how accident prone I am
Been a passenger on a motorcycle - love it
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person - it's only 6 hours away,I should really do this

80. Published a book -
unless you count my Shutterfly photo books
81. Visited the Vatican
- very cool experience
82. Bought a brand new car - only cars that are new to me

83. Walked in Jerusalem -

Had your picture in the newspaper - when I was a kid
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve -
86. Visited the White House - I saw so many other things in DC though!
Killed and prepared an animal for eating - not so much
Had chickenpox - when I was 4. It was no fun
89. Saved someone’s life - my sister almost fell out of a moving car and I caught her. I'm a hero ;)

90. Sat on a jury - came very close but I think my work history as a victim advocate will keep me off of almost any jury

Met someone famous - Just last week I met Jim Parsons aka "Sheldon" from Big Bang Theory in case you somehow missed the announcement lol
92. Joined a book club - although we also met to discuss films and other popular media as well
Got a tattoo - I have a crescent moon and star on my left shoulder blade
Had a baby - I hope to bold this one VERY SOON
95. Seen the Alamo in person - man this list keeps naming landmarks I have missed!

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake -

97. Been involved in a law suit - nope
Owned a cell phone -uh yeah it IS 2010 after all
99. Been stung by a bee - just a few months ago..stupid bee

So counting them up I have completed 56 out of 99 items on the list. How about you? How many of these 99 life experiences have you lived through? Any you think should be added?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Wordless Wednesday: Sleep Deprived

This week's sleep deprivation courtesy of Lupron and 4am wake ups *yawn*

Monday, February 22, 2010

We Are All On Drugs

(5 points to anyone who can name the title's reference!)

The countdown to IVF continues- last night I officially completed phase one of my drug protocol and took what I hope will be my last ever birth control pill. I remember from my earlier birth control days that AF usually comes a few days after I take my last pill so now I just need to wait for her to arrive and then call the RE to let them know. It is so wonderfully stress-free to know for a fact that AF is coming and not have to wonder or worry. This past month has been a such great mental vacation. I wouldn't have even realized where I was in this cycle if not for that last pill in the pack.

I am also almost a week into phase two of my drug protocol and have been receiving nightly injections of Lupron along with a dex tablet. The Lupron is used to turn off my pituitary gland, preventing early ovulation and induces menopause, while the dex is a steroid and anti-inflammatory that has been known to improve egg quality. The injections really haven't been too bad. The needle is pretty tiny and Chad has done a (mostly) good job of playing nurse (he did have one unfortunate incident when the needle "bounced" out and that did hurt a bit). My biggest complaint at this point is with the menopausal side effects of the Lupron. I have known various women of mature age throughout my life who seemed to start their days at obscenely early hours and now thanks to the Lupron I know why- I can't sleep in to save my life! After 6 hours that's it, my body wants to be awake and lately it's been getting it's way. I am not a fan of waking up at 5am on a Saturday morning. I have also enjoyed lovely hot flashes each night as I try to fall asleep, so sleep deprivation is definitely the biggest trouble I have dealt with these drugs, but other than that the side effects have been pretty minimal and I have been in very good spirits.

I am just so amazed that these first 21 days have gone by so quickly and I am getting closer and closer to "the real deal". With each new landmark in this process I feel more and more at peace with it and more and more excited by the possibilities but I am also nervous about each step as it comes. Right now my stomach gets into knots when I think about what's to come with the stimulation phase. I have been hearing so much chatter around the blog world and twitterverse lately about the insane effects of "balloon stomach" caused by the stim meds and I am not thrilled with the idea of not being able to fit into my clothes without there being a baby in my belly. I will be on Bravelle and Menopur to stimulate multiple eggs instead of the typical one or two and I am hoping that my good spirits can survive their notoriously mood altering side effects.

I still can't get over the insane amount of drugs I will be on throughout this process. I have my very own Sharps container in my bathroom! The whole thing is very surreal but also strangely normal feeling. Each time Chad kisses me before sticking that teeny needle into my thigh, I think of our future child and how worth it all of this is, maybe that's the real reason it doesn't hurt so bad.

Going Out of Business Giveaway!


As most of you know I am officially out of the low-tech TTC business and moving on to the high-tech: IVF. When I 1st realized that my stash of OPKs, HPTs, Pre-Seed, and various OTC pills and supplements were now completely useless to me, I was a bit bummed. I had not only spent a decent amount of time and money amassing these things, I had also mastered their use and knew when to poas, how to read those confusing pink lines and what days to take baby aspirin and what days to take mucinex. But then I remembered that I have so many wonderful TTC buddies out there who have been reading my blog and have been so supportive and I realized that this was the perfect opportunity for me to say thank you and pay it forward with some great fertility products!

Just a few short days ago I officially received and began using my new high-tech TTC kit. Full of lots and lots of drugs, and needles.

So now that I have this kit:

I am giving away this kit:

If you are TTC, my loss can be your gain! I am officially out of the low-tech TTC business and everything seen here must go!

Included in this giveaway:
  • 12 OPK test strips +instructions
  • 4 HPT test strips + instructions
  • 4 ClearBlue Easy Digital OPK tests & reader + instructions
  • 1 First Response Early Result HPT + instructions
  • 1 sample pack of Pre-Seed fertility-friendly intimate moisturizer
  • 1 sample pack of Pre' sperm-friendly lubricant
  • A coupon for 10% off purchase of FertilAid fertility supplements
  • Special surprise good luck charms, just for fun
So how can this amazing TTC kit be yours? Simple!

You must be a follower of this blog, if you're not already just click "follow" on the right hand side, and you must also leave me a comment on any of my other blog posts that you have not already commented on (posts made after this giveaway are included so it's ok to wait until I put up some new posts this week) and then leave a comment here letting me know which post you commented on.

See, easy peasy lemon squeezy!

And if you really, really want to win here are a few extra ways you can enter: (leave an extra comment for each extra entry)

  • Follow me on twitter
  • Tweet: "I am ready to win a fantastic TTC kit from @ready2bmom and you can get ready too at"
  • Add my button to your blog
  • Blog about this giveaway (make sure to leave a link in your comment)
Last day to enter is March 3rd and the winner will be selected randomly and announced March 4th. Good luck!

**Disclaimer: I have not been paid or in any other way compensated for any portion of this giveaway. All of these products were purchased by me and my opinions on their effectiveness are completely subjective. Many of these products have been removed from their original boxes but all products remain individually sealed in their original protective packaging. I will do my best to ensure their safety in shipping but cannot be held responsible for possible damage that may occur during shipping process.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Blog Award: Happy 101

Thank you so much to Daneen over at His and Her Infertility (Just Like the Matching Towels) for this fantastic award. Be sure to check out her blog if you're not already familiar with it!

I have to list 10 Things That Make My Day and then list 10 Blogs worthy of this award as well, and then you'll have the award and they'll have the award too. Don't forget you'll have to do the same... list 10 Things and 10 Blogs to earn the award (then of course copy the pic of the award to your computer and paste/upload the award pic to your own blog post saying that you received this award with your 10 and 10). Sounds confusing but not really and leave me a comment if you are confused I'll help you. Here goes...

10 Things That Make My Day:
1. The always super sweet and wonderful morning goodbye hugs from Chad
2. Getting new comments and/or followers on my blog
3. Nice long, catch up conversations with my friends and family
4. Sharing a laugh or a cry with my wonderful twitter pals
Making a yummy dinner and enjoying it with my husband
6. Holding hands with Chad during our after dinner walks
7. Having my kitties curl up next to me every night when I get into bed
8. Nightly pre-bed rituals, especially "night kisses" (can't wait to pass these on to our kids)
9. Having a decent to-do list and crossing everything off of it
10. Jamming out in my car to my favorite songs

10 Blogs I Pass This Award On To:
1. Beckie's Infertility Journey
2. Creating Hack Spawn
3. Young But Infertile?
4. So Crazy I'm Sane
5. Pregnant Yuppy
6. Pouring Out My Insides
7. Infertility: A Type A's Nightmare
8. Operation Mommyhood
9. Paisley Blooms (Someday)
10. Our Fertility Adventure

Unfortunately, I can only list 10 blogs and there are so many other deserving bloggers out there, so please check out all of the wonderful blogs listed on the right for more great reads! And for those curious about my TTC giveaway, it is coming very very soon so check back!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Baby Bucket List on Repeat?

Did someone hit the "repeat" button on my baby bucket list? Two years ago for our 1st wedding anniversary Chad and I went on a mini roadtrip to North Carolina from Florida to go snowboarding in the mountains near Boone. I had never been and we both agreed we should do it before we had kids, which we assumed would be very soon. Now one month before our 3rd wedding anniversary we still have no children and we are revisiting things we had already crossed off the "things to do before kids" list. This has been a common theme circulating in the TTC community lately as infertility has impacted many couples who thought this vacation would be their last one as a childless couple only to find themselves booking another vacation for two a year later.

Since we live so close to a great skiing area we decided to take advantage of our new geography and go snowboarding before we have kids...again. We have crossed off, and even repeated, so many things on our "baby bucket list" - Europe,bungee jumping, roadtrips, NYC, tattoos, cruises, snowboarding- that sometimes it becomes a painful reminder of just how long we have been on this journey to parenthood. But this weekend we also realized that each of these have been amazing experiences and in many ways prepared us for the different parts of our journey. Although I am ready to be a mom, I wouldn't trade these moments with Chad for anything. They have made us a stronger, more well-rounded couple which has not only helped us through the trials of infertility but I believe will also make us even better parents.

We had a great time snowboarding for the 2nd time and really enjoyed the chance to spend the day together, blowing off some steam before this IVF cycle gets started. My mock transfer is scheduled for this Wednesday and I start meds that day also. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about all that's to come, so snowboarding was a great way to get out some nervous energy. Even though I thought the next time I went it would be with my kids, watching them learn to ski or snowboard, I am glad that we took advantage of this opportunity. Chad was such a kind and patient teacher and it reminded me of just how much I love him and what a wonderful father he is going to be, and reaffirmed that we are making the right choice by going forward with IVF.

So now I am curious. Do you have a "baby bucket list" of things you want to do or accomplish before you have children? What have you already done or even repeated? What do you have left that you hope to do before your family expands? I would love to hear your pre-baby goals and dreams!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Somewhat Wordless Wednesday: Guest Blog

I was recently honored to write my 1st ever guest blog for the wonderful PCOSchick at His& Hers Infertility (just like the matching towels) You can find my post, "Adoption 101" here. It's about the learning process with adoption and the great real-life "teachers" I have met. While you're there please take the time to comment on my post and then check out PCOSchick's blog and show some love on her 100th post, which you can find here. Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Trying to Relax and Win!

For a while now I have been hearing about the wonderful relaxing powers of Circle + Bloom's guided meditation program. So I read up on it on their website, which you can do too here and while I was there I downloaded their free trial which got even more excited about the program. You can find the free download here. While researching this program I have also read up on testimonials and reviews by fellow TTCers, and this one by Kate at Busted Plumbing is not only a wealth of information and an entertaining read, it is also part of a fantastic giveaway with Circle+Bloom! Kate and Joanne at Circle+Bloom have teamed up and are giving away an I-pod shuffle pre-loaded with Circle-Bloom's complete fertility program and I want to win!

As you know my 1st IVF cycle is starting soon and the closer it gets the more I can feel the anxiousness creep in. I am starting to get nervous about all of it- the shots, the hormones, the money, the schedule- and I know that now it is more important than ever for me to get and stay as relaxed and positive as possible. Of course just because I want to win doesn't mean you should enter too. The contest is open until February 15th and there a ton of ways to enter.

And in the spirit of TTC giveaways, I want to remind you that I will have my very own and very first giveaway including all kinds of great TTC essentials coming very very soon so make sure to check back and enter!

P.S. I also must mention that the lovely Kate who is doing this great giveaway is "on a mission from God" (movie reference anyone?) to get to 300 followers on her blog Busted Plumbing by her 30th birthday so if you are not already make sure to check out her blog and become a follower!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

RE Appt Part 3: Return of the Old I

In case you're behind, Chad (DH) and I recently had our first appointment and consultation with our RE. This consultation actually wound up taking place over two separate appointments, you can read about part one here and part two here. Part three is not actually another appointment. It's the part of the consultation that's still taking place in my head and during evening talks with Chad. I have so many different emotions and thoughts bouncing around inside of me with regards to our doctor, our diagnoses, but mostly about our decision to begin IVF.

There is so much about being faced with this process that breaks my heart. I never thought that this is where we would be. The idea of IVF was always a far away fallback that I never believed we would need. I always felt like our miracle would be just around the corner. Now knowing that natural conception is something that will never happen for us, I need to take the time to mourn. I had so many dreams of how it would be to find out I was pregnant: seeing those two pink lines, doing the math and realizing our baby was conceived during some special moment, finding the perfect, creative way to tell Chad he was going to be a daddy, but now none of those dreams will be realized. If this IVF cycle is successful I will not have even conceived my child inside my body, let alone have the opportunity to surprise my husband with the news.

And it is scary knowing that this is the end of the line, that if this does not work for us there is no next step for us to conceive our child. This is the end of the fertility treatment line. I look at all the lower tech TTC tools I was using just last month and feel almost like I failed at them. I can't help but be aware of all the time and money I have unknowingly wasted over the years on OPKs, products to improve cervical mucus, thermometers, and charts that would have never changed my not-pregnant status.

But despite all these heartbreaks and fears, I have so many good feeling about this new step toward motherhood. Yes, my child will be conceived in a lab instead of inside my body, and it will cost a lot of money to make happen what is usually free (or at most the cost of a cheap bottle of wine) but my child will never question whether he or she was wanted.

And as much as I wish those OPKs and charts had been the secret to pregnancy for me, it is a huge relief to know I will never have to bother with any of them again. I will never take another early morning temperature, never use another OPK, never have to have a "BD schedule" ever again! In fact I never have to "BD" again. Now sex is just sex and not a baby dance. I feel more like myself than I have in months! And I am so excited to share my wealth of unused OPKs with other deserving TTC girls in a blog giveaway to come soon!

I feel so much more like myself in fact that I have been able to laugh, smile and make jokes about IVF. At first I was very sad that my answer to the question "where do babies come from" wouldn't be quite the same anymore but now I am getting excited about it and I really think this pic will end up on my baby's onesie if this process is a success. Although, in many ways this journey has forever changed me, it is also good to feel a bit more like the old me again.

While it's scary to know that if IVF does not work for us our chances to have a biological child are almost non-existent, I know that being a mother is far more important to me than biology and we have so many wonderful resources and supports in place if we decide to pursue adoption. We will be parents no matter what and we are just one step closer to making that happen.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

RE Appt Part 2: The Infertility Strikes Back

If you read part one of our initial consultation with the RE you know that we did a lot during one appointment but needed to have a part 2 the following business day to review the films from my hsg and get a more accurate idea of the situation and come up with a more complete plan of action. (You can get caught up on part one here)

So yesterday morning Chad and I went to meet
Dr.Jedi (my new name for Dr Lee- seriously the force is strong with this one) bright and early, giant envelope of films in hand. He wasted no time in reviewing them and brought us into the next room so that we could see them with him as he explained them. It turns out that both of my tubes actually do have some spillage, but it also turns out that the right and previously believed to be "good" tube I had been counting on isn't in the "good" condition we were hoping for. It works, but not very well. Not well at all really. Honestly, it more has the potential to maybe work than it actually works, and that potential is very low.

After reviewing the films with Dr. Jedi we discussed the status. He told us what has to be one of the hardest things I have heard in my entire life. Our odds of ever having a baby on our own are about 1 in 200. That's less than 1%.
Our dreams of bringing our child into this world using only what nature provided us are most likely never going to happen. I was devastated to say the least. We had so much hope during part 1 of our appointment but infertility has definitely struck back and is trying to use the dark side of the force, as in my dysfunctional fallopian tubes, against our chances of becoming parents.

So what does this mean? What is the next step for us in our quest to have a baby? We discussed different scenarios and options with Dr. Jedi and he continued to live up to his initial good impression by being very clear, honest and taking lots of time to answer all of our questions, even talking to me for half an hour on the phone later when I realized I had more that I wanted to talk to him about. And after much discussion, we have made a decision about what to do next and have already started step one of the new plan.

And just what is step one you ask? Drum roll please....I'm on the pill. Those of you that are well versed in infertility and it's treatments know exactly what this means. For those that aren't in the know, I can assure you this does not mean we are giving up, just the opposite. We are advancing directly to the highest tech method of getting pregnant there is: In-Vitro Fertilization aka IVF.

We are not passing "GO", we are definitely NOT collecting $200- (more like paying 65 times that, yes I said 65 times more than $200!)- we are going straight from level 2 of fertility treatments to the the granddaddy of them all, the highest level and last stop. It is a huge step and a lot went into this decision. I am full of emotions and fears and hopes and questions and all of it changes from second to second. The problem with me is that when I am faced a huge life-changing event I can't deal with the emotions of it right away. I go numb and switch into action, aka survival mode. I grieve later. It's ironic because I am such an emotional person and wear my heart on my sleeve in nearly every aspect of my life, but when it's life changing I just can't do it. I am aware of this though and I know I need to tap into these inner emotions and grieve the losses I am facing. I have a lot to say about everything I am feeling and that will come soon in another blog post. (I have to complete the trilogy don't I?)

Although I am very heartbroken in many ways that this is what we are faced with I am also hopeful that it is right decision and we are that much closer to realizing our dreams of creating a family.

"What looks like a loss may be the very event which is subsequently responsible for helping to produce the greatest achievement of your life"