Monday, April 19, 2010

The Tip Of The Emotional Iceberg

These past few days since finding out my pregnancy is not viable have hands down been the hardest of my entire life and my emotions and thoughts have run the gamete and back again a thousand times. I am not yet ready to proclaim that I am "moving on" or "finding the silver lining" or even that I "have high hopes and faith for the future" because none of that is true. I am depressed, angry, utterly devastated and that does not even begin to cover it.

There is so much about this whole thing that makes me want to scream, " It just isn't fair!" I have been waiting and trying for my miracle for so long. I have already shed so many tears, why do I deserve even more? When I learned that IVF was our only real option for a biological child, I dealt with many emotions but quickly became excited about the process. I was a model patient through the whole thing, taking meds & injections, attending weekly wandings, almost always with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. It felt good to think that after after nearly 3 years we had found a solution and would finally have our miracle.

The wait for my pregnancy test was agonizing and I have never experienced relief or joy like the moment I was told I was pregnant. It is a moment I will always remember but unfortunately, not one I will treasure. I just can't understand why this would happen, after so long and so much pain to finally have my dreams come true only to have it taken all away- it seems so cruel. And it makes me angry at the world. It is a pain far worse than if I had been told my pregnancy test was negative. There are many moments when I truly wish that is what had happened.


I hate that I am still physically pregnant and still have to pee all the time and still get tired in the afternoon. My body still does not know what I know and is still going through the motions of pregnancy so the empty blackness in my uterus continues to grow, and with it grows the emptiness in my heart.

I have still hardly talked to any of my friends or family. I just don't feel ready and I don't know when I will. I don't want to talk to them about what is happening but I don't want to talk about anything else either. I am afraid of what they might say and how it might make me feel. I don't want to be cheered up or told any part of the "bright side" of this situation. I feel so disconnected from the people I care about and I fear that my relationships will never be the same again. I just can't relate to their lives right now and I know that they can't relate to mine.

I hate the rest of the world for continuing to turn while my world is falling apart. I hate that this is happening to me. I hate that I now I have so many memories, so many dates and moments that will forever be a source of pain rather than joy.
I hate that I have still have yet to go through the physical loss and I fear that process. I hate that there is such a long wait until I can try again. I hate that I even have to try again. I hate that I will turn yet another year older before I hold my child in my arms. I hate how unfair this is.

The worst part of these past few days is that all of these thoughts and more are never far away and they hit me with rapid fire. I have stages of numbness when I forget everything: the 3 year struggle, the tests, the drugs, the procedures, the blood work, the pregnancy, the loss, the emotions- all of it. But then everything suddenly washes over me all at once, and I feel crushed by the weight of it and all I can do is cry. This when the fears most often begin to creep in, especially the fear that I will struggle forever and that I will never be a mother.

I am so very grateful for my blog and twitter friends these past few days, especially those that have never stopped reminding me that they care and those that have shared their stories with me and let me know that I am not alone in my feelings. I am so sad that anyone else has ever had to experience this loss but I am eternally appreciative for the comfort and guidance I have been given by the survivors that came before me. I am also very grateful to my family and friends for understanding and respecting my space. I know that they are thinking of me and keeping me lovingly in their thoughts and it helps to know that.

I wish I could say that this was everything, that this post has allowed to to get all of the thoughts and emotions I am experiencing out, but the reality is there is so much more pain under the surface that I can't even begin to put words to. I know that I will heal with time. I know that these wounds won't always be as fresh and raw as they are now, but I also know that they will leave scars and this will forever be a part of me and my life. Even if I go on to birth 20 children, this will always be the very 1st time I was pregnant and it will always be a loss. There will always be pain from that. My soul is marked.

29 comments:

Braving IVF said...

You're grieving, and everything you describe is completely understandable.

I'm glad that blogging and tweeting is helpful and that you feel the support that's out here for you.

*hugs*

Jenny said...

I can't even begin to imagine the vast amount of emotions you are feeling.

All I know is that while I know time may not ever fully heal your pain, I hope that with time it at least lessens it and that you can eventually move forward.

Just know that we're all here for you during the highs and the lows of it all. We'll hold you up and support you during the lows and we'll be joyous with you during the highs.

Ashley said...

Oh Holly, I am so sorry! I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now. My heart hurts for you! Know that we are all here for you, huge hugs!!

Stephanie said...

I wish I could tell you it would all go away but I can't. What I can tell you is that with time the pain will start to dull and be replaced by a new, guarded hope. Your road to motherhood was already an uphill battle and now you will always carry these new scars. But you will survive, you will persevere and you will heal. You will find joy again. Letting your emotions out in this blog is an excellent first step. Its extra hard when this happens on your first IVF so keep doing what you are doing and you will find your way. Much love, stephanie

sienna said...

hi - i just stumbled upon your blog, and wanted to write that i'm so sorry for what you're going through. nothing i can say will make it better, but i'll try ... given your BFP this time around, there is absolutely no reason, that it won't happen for the next round, and not only that, why it won't stick. believe it and have faith. *hugs*. hang in there, grieve, and let's kick the next round in the booty.

The Millers said...

Holly, I wish I could turn back the clock or better yet.. fast forward to a better, happier time. I wish I could take this pain and emptiness you are feeling away.
It is NOT fair that you have to experience this loss. I am so very sorry.
There are no words that I can say that will help. I will not try. Please just know I am thinking of you and praying that someday soon you will feel hapiness again.

Megan said...

I really wish there was something I could do to HELP, but I know there's not. I know I don't know how you feel, but I know I feel so wretched FOR you. We all love you so much and are hurting for you... *hugs*

Nikki Lynne [waiting on baby] said...

I am sorry for your loss. I can't realate to your pain nor can I say anything that will help. But we do care and are here to listen and help anyway we can. Sending prayers....

Ally said...

Holly I am so sorry you have to go through this, truly. I can relate to every single word you've said here. A pregnancy loss, no matter the gestational age, is such a profound and frustrating time. I can only hope that none of us ever have to deal with it again. Just know that there are plenty of us out there who know exactly how you feel - you're definitely not alone.

Waiting Lisa said...

I have been thinking about you and feeling heartbroken for you. I love you and I am here for you anytime. I mean it.

It's absolutely not fair.

I can't wrap my head around how unfair life can be.

The one thing I do know is that you will be a mom someday. I promise. And you will be amazing.

Jill said...

Holly you are loved. It's natural to feel the way you do and I think you should feel it as long as you need to. If you move on too quickly it won't help heal you any better. Know you have prayers flooding the gates of heaven for you and your little one.

Katie said...

No, this is not fair, Holly. Not one bit. You deserved happiness. You did not deserve this pain. It's okay that you are still angry and upset. That's perfectly normal. You need to take all of the time that YOU need to be angry and upset. Moving on too fast or ignoring this pain isn't going to help you cope with this loss. We love you and we are here for you always, whatever you need!

xo

(Erica) Rebel With.A.Cause said...

Holly, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart will be with you as you sort through all of this, and still with you as you move to the next step! Chin up sweetie.

Hugs,
Erica

Courtney said...

Everything you are describing with your emotions is exactly how we felt after losing the boys. It is so incredibly hard to go through these emotions, but I am very glad that you are a great support system.

No matter how many children you have, this is a loss, a loss is a loss is a loss. I wish it wasn't in the cards for you my friend. Dealing with a loss of this magnitude is not an easy thing to handle. But with love and support you will find your strength again. It may take time but only you will know how long, I still grieve daily and it's been almost 15 months for us it's just now each day isn't so incredibly unbearable. Take all the time you need. Vent as much and as often as you need. We are all here for you!!

*hugs*

Mrs. Cline said...

Everything you said is accurate and perfectly your story. This is your experience and while many of us have traveled this road, each one of us grieves differently. I'm so thankful we can be here for you, but so sad that we are.

You know I care, and that I'm always here.

Your grief will come in waves. There is no time frame and no right or wrong way to grieve. It's okay to have a moment of feeling "okay", immediately followed by feeling like your life cannot possibly go on. No matter what your feelings, sweet girl, they are valid. Every one of them.

Love to you,
Natalie

WannabeMom said...

Holly I am so sorry that this happened. No one should ever know pain like this. All of your feelings are normal. Take your time. No one expects you to heal right away and we're all here to help you through this situation. Your baby is loved and is watching over you. *hugs*

Patrish said...

I'm familiar with this kind of pain, and I send you my love a support. I hope you can heal and gain strength and take as much time as you need to do so. ((HUGS))

Tillie said...

wow holly...I knew things had to be hard for you but I had no idea the complete loss that you are feeling. I wish there was something I could do...a way I could take away your pain...a way to tell you that it'll be ok...but sadly I know that this is going to take a while for you to grieve over. I am here for you...anything you need, please ask...I am here for you to cry with, to talk to, to laugh when you are ready, to just be able to be you too. I wish I was there in CA with you to give you the biggest hug. I am here for you. I am so sad that this had to happen to you...you are one of the most kind and sincere people I have "met" and I am heartbroken that you are going through this...lots of hugs and prayers are heading your way...

Jen @ After The Alter said...

words can't even tell you how sorry I am Holly...but I am sure words are not really what you need right now. I know what it's like to go to that ultrasound and see an empty sac...its absolutly awful...and its not only the loss it's the plans for the future you have already made in your mind. I did not go through the struggle you did to get pregnant, but I remember being so very angry. I was bitter..and sad and I think you put it very well about saying y ou don't want to talk about it but don't want to talk about anything else. I hate to say it but most people will say the wrong thing...words can't help...especially from people who don't understand, but I hope you find comfort in knowing you aren't alone, and if you ever want to talk, I'd love to listen. **hugs**

Al said...

I'm so sorry Holly, this is so unfair and so very cruel. You don't deserve this pain and suffering.

Sending you my love and support during this difficult time. And HUGS, lots of hugs.

azmamma said...

I am so sorry for your pain and loss. It is unfair and cruel and you have every right to feel that way. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Mireille said...

Dear Holly,

I lost my first and only daughter at 34 weeks in November 2009. The feelings you describe are exactly the same that I am feeling.
You do have a permanent scar and you will suffer in silence with those around you (especially friends and work colleagues), I just hope that, like me, your blog and the "Internet Community" of people who are, sadly, going through similar (UNFAIR) experiences keep bringing you a little comfort.
Sending a virtual hug.

rebecca said...

I'm so sorry...I wish I had something comforting & brilliant to say, but there is nothing that can take away or mask the awful pain your working through right now...grief is a painful process & there is no getting around that it takes time. Keeping you close in thoughts & prayers...remember that you are being held up by a sisterhood of women who care about you & we will not leave your side. ((Hugs))

Katie said...

Grief is so vast and deep, and as someone much wiser than me once told me, infertility is a never-ending cycle of grief. You get one step forward and have to take several steps back. . . over and over again. . . with no guaranteed end in sight.

It does get. . . different, if not easier, I do promise you that. I am glad you feel well-loved and supported during this time - I do think that makes a huge difference!

Just me said...

Miscarriage is hard for any woman, but I think the hardest part of it for a woman dealing with IF is the uncertainty of whether you will ever be able to have a child. It's another layer that fertile women can't even imagine.

I lost my first pregnancy (after 2years of trying) at 8w. It is now seven months later- I would have been due next week. How does one deal with it? Well... I just... pushed on. It was hard. Is hard. Unlike other losses, I don't feel like the pain has "dulled". For me, I don't think it will until I AM a mom. Until I hold a baby in my arms. I will still be sad about that loss, but I think only then will the pain not be as sharp. Because along with the pain of the loss is the fear of "what if".

{{hugs}}

ICLW

Basic Girl said...

I absolutely hate that you have to go through this, the pain...I know all too well. It's like nothing you've ever imagined, nothing can prepare you for this kind of loss. And it's so unfair, why does anyone have to experience this...it just seems cruel, and my heart is truly breaking for you. Sending love and hugs your way, just know we are all here for you offering support in any way we can. (((HUGS)))

christine said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the heartbreak you feel. All I can say is that it is entirely unfair and cruel. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Visiting from ICLW. I too experienced loss from my first pregnancy (and have not succeeded yet.) And I too mourn the fact that you have to know this pain. It's just not fair, and all of your feelings are completely valid and I've felt them too.

Wishing you the best-

liberalgranolagirl said...

Holly, I echo what Lisa said. I love you and I cannot wrap my head around the unfairness of this. Know that I hold you in my heart <3