These past few days since finding out my pregnancy is not viable have hands down been the hardest of my entire life and my emotions and thoughts have run the gamete and back again a thousand times. I am not yet ready to proclaim that I am "moving on" or "finding the silver lining" or even that I "have high hopes and faith for the future" because none of that is true. I am depressed, angry, utterly devastated and that does not even begin to cover it.
There is so much about this whole thing that makes me want to scream, " It just isn't fair!" I have been waiting and trying for my miracle for so long. I have already shed so many tears, why do I deserve even more? When I learned that IVF was our only real option for a biological child, I dealt with many emotions but quickly became excited about the process. I was a model patient through the whole thing, taking meds & injections, attending weekly wandings, almost always with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. It felt good to think that after after nearly 3 years we had found a solution and would finally have our miracle.
The wait for my pregnancy test was agonizing and I have never experienced relief or joy like the moment I was told I was pregnant. It is a moment I will always remember but unfortunately, not one I will treasure. I just can't understand why this would happen, after so long and so much pain to finally have my dreams come true only to have it taken all away- it seems so cruel. And it makes me angry at the world. It is a pain far worse than if I had been told my pregnancy test was negative. There are many moments when I truly wish that is what had happened.
I hate that I am still physically pregnant and still have to pee all the time and still get tired in the afternoon. My body still does not know what I know and is still going through the motions of pregnancy so the empty blackness in my uterus continues to grow, and with it grows the emptiness in my heart.
I have still hardly talked to any of my friends or family. I just don't feel ready and I don't know when I will. I don't want to talk to them about what is happening but I don't want to talk about anything else either. I am afraid of what they might say and how it might make me feel. I don't want to be cheered up or told any part of the "bright side" of this situation. I feel so disconnected from the people I care about and I fear that my relationships will never be the same again. I just can't relate to their lives right now and I know that they can't relate to mine.
I hate the rest of the world for continuing to turn while my world is falling apart. I hate that this is happening to me. I hate that I now I have so many memories, so many dates and moments that will forever be a source of pain rather than joy. I hate that I have still have yet to go through the physical loss and I fear that process. I hate that there is such a long wait until I can try again. I hate that I even have to try again. I hate that I will turn yet another year older before I hold my child in my arms. I hate how unfair this is.
The worst part of these past few days is that all of these thoughts and more are never far away and they hit me with rapid fire. I have stages of numbness when I forget everything: the 3 year struggle, the tests, the drugs, the procedures, the blood work, the pregnancy, the loss, the emotions- all of it. But then everything suddenly washes over me all at once, and I feel crushed by the weight of it and all I can do is cry. This when the fears most often begin to creep in, especially the fear that I will struggle forever and that I will never be a mother.
I am so very grateful for my blog and twitter friends these past few days, especially those that have never stopped reminding me that they care and those that have shared their stories with me and let me know that I am not alone in my feelings. I am so sad that anyone else has ever had to experience this loss but I am eternally appreciative for the comfort and guidance I have been given by the survivors that came before me. I am also very grateful to my family and friends for understanding and respecting my space. I know that they are thinking of me and keeping me lovingly in their thoughts and it helps to know that.
I wish I could say that this was everything, that this post has allowed to to get all of the thoughts and emotions I am experiencing out, but the reality is there is so much more pain under the surface that I can't even begin to put words to. I know that I will heal with time. I know that these wounds won't always be as fresh and raw as they are now, but I also know that they will leave scars and this will forever be a part of me and my life. Even if I go on to birth 20 children, this will always be the very 1st time I was pregnant and it will always be a loss. There will always be pain from that. My soul is marked.