Moving Forward

I realize that I have been a terrible blogger lately. It has been an emotional and eventful week and I just haven't had the energy or ability to commit to blogging but finally I have found a few moments of zen and I want to catch you up on all that has happened in the past week.

Last Friday, I had one more ultrasound just to triple check because of my rising beta numbers. As expected there was nothing more than scattered debris inside an otherwise still empty and still growing gestational sac. Once I saw that , I knew that it would probably continue to grow for weeks before my body would recognize something was wrong and a natural miscarriage would occur. I couldn't stand the thought of being pregnant for weeks and weeks without a baby growing inside me or the trauma I fear that would come with a natural loss. That, coupled with my desire to keep moving forward and begin the FET as soon as humanely possible is what ultimately helped me, Chad and my doctor all agree that a D&C was the best choice in this situation. We scheduled it for the following Tuesday, which if you are checking your calendars was yesterday, the 27th.

Now that it's over I can attest that this really was the right decision for me. Of course, I am in no way saying it's the right way to go for everyone in this situation but for me it was. Monday I had to go in for a Pre-Op appointment, one more check with wandy (everything still the same but with a slightly bigger sac) and a bit of blood work. I also got to complete the lovely task of paying the bill. This is one of the definite negative aspects of this choice. I must admit I have been a bit angry at what it cost to get "un-pregnant" after I had paid thousands to get pregnant in the first place. And aside from the financial aspect it is that thought, of getting un-pregnant, that makes the most emotional right now.

When I went into the surgery center I was already prepared for a head trip. I had the procedure in the exact same place I had my egg retrieval, only 4 floors down from where my remaining 13 embryos are frozen, and where my embryo transfer took place. So I got un-pregnant in the same building that I got pregnant, and where I hope to get pregnant again. It really was a emotional and mental tug of war stepping into that building, especially because as I walked in the cutest and roundest 7 month belly bump was walking out. I couldn't help but realize I would be entering this place pregnant and leaving not, only I wouldn't have a baby in my arms when I left as I always expected I would when I became "un-pregnant". This is what brought me to tears as I lay in the hospital bed waiting for the anesthesia to kick in. Thankfully, Chad was with me until they wheeled me into the OR and he provided plenty of hugs in that time.

The next thing I knew I was waking up in a little bit of pain with monitors stuck to my chest. They removed the sticky diodes then brought Chad back and he helped me get dressed and into the car. On the way home, he told me what the doctor said while I was in recovery. He said that everything went very smoothly and that the procedure was complete. I shouldn't need any additional treatment. He also said that my bleeding is very light and will probably be the lightest he has seen in years. 12 hours after leaving the OR, I can attest that he was telling the truth. That coupled with pain and cramps mild enough that I have yet to take even a Tyle.nol, has made this a lot easier to handle. And as always the amazing support I have received from friends and family, both in the virtual realm and the "real" one, has given me more strength and comfort than I think I could ever fully express. Again, thank you for all of the love and support you have given me.

I am still struggling with sadness and anger at my loss and I know that I will always have emotional scars from all of this, but I am starting to feel a little more like me every day. It's a changed me, as I will never be completely the same, but I am becoming ok with that. Not that I wouldn't change it all and have my Sprout back alive and well if I could, but I each day I am able to be a little more glad that I had Sprout with me at all, even if it was for much too short a time. This is huge for me because for the first week, one of my dominating thoughts was how I angry I was that I had gotten pregnant only to have it fail. I felt like this pregnancy had robbed me of so much time that i could have spent trying again. But more and more I can appreciate that while I was only able to nurture this life a short while, it was there and I did everything for it during that brief time. And I know this sounds crazy but ever since I woke up after surgery yesterday, I have felt as if Sprout somehow left my body in a state even more ready to grow life. As if, like a truly protective and loving older sibling, Sprout left some special unseen energy to ensure that the next one would grow healthy and strong.

I still cry and probably will for a long time, (don't be surprised if I slip back and you see another depressed post in the weeks ahead) but I can see light at the end of the tunnel again. As a good friend who has also experienced this type of loss has said, I have nowhere to go but forward. Even if some days it's at a slug's pace I am will never "move on" but I will always keep moving forward. I have no plans of stopping or giving up. I have hope that I will succeed and the next time I get pregnant I will not get un-pregnant until the day I get to hold my happy, healthy baby in my arms.