Wednesday, April 21, 2010

ICLW: My Story So Far

Well ICLW is here again and so much has happened since the last one I can't believe it. If you are visiting me for the first time I will give you the short version of my story so far. If you are unfamiliar with ICLW, which stands for International Comment Leaving Week, you can find information here.

My husband Chad and I married in March of 2007 and threw out all forms of birth control shortly after, fully expecting that simply "not preventing" would bring us a baby in no time. By the beginning of 2009, we had accepted that was not the case and began seeking medical help and got more serious about "trying" using charts, OPKs, and other tricks of the trade. Finally in the fall of 2009, we had a full work-up completed and learned that I had at least one blocked fallopian tube. My OB put me on Clomid to increase chances of ovulating on my "good side". I responded well each month but never got pregnant. After three months we abandoned the OB in search of an RE who quickly realized that my blocked tubes were worse than originally thought and recommended IVF.

In February of 2010 I began medications for my first IVF cycle and on March 12th I had 21 mature eggs retrieved. 15 of them fertilized naturally and all grew for 5 days to the blastocyst stage. On March 17th I had two blasts transferred and the other 13 were frozen. Then after what felt like the longest and scariest 2ww of my life, I went in for my beta on March 27th. The nurse called within hours to inform me that I was in fact pregnant with an hCG level of 235. It was the one of the most wonderful moments in my life, but the joy was short lived.

My beta rose but did not double for two of the following tests. Finally after an agonizing week of worry, it rose to well above where it should be and my first ultrasound was scheduled. At the appointment I should have been about 6 weeks along, but when my RE looked he could only find small bits of debris in an otherwise empty gestational sac. Another beta, another rise, so another ultrasound just to check again with the hope that there was a late implantation. Another week of worry and waiting. The next ultrasound on April 16th revealed a bigger, but still mostly empty sac and it was officially declared to be an early pregnancy failure and an impending miscarriage. I was told to stop all medications and come back for another beta to see if the numbers began dropping.

I went for the beta yesterday, April 20th, and being back in that office was a hell I could not wait to escape. Everything about being there reminded me of the pain of learning that the pregnancy I had finally achieved after 3 years of struggle was gone. As soon as I got outside I burst into sobs. When the office called me in the afternoon it was to inform me that my beta is still rising. So although we all know it is over, I have to go back this Friday, the 23rd for one more ultrasound. I dread that appointment and the pain of seeing the empty black hole inside my uterus again. This loss is a pain worse than anything I have ever known. I still can't believe that I had finally realized my dream only to have it all taken away. If infertility is unfair and painful, miscarriage in the midst of infertility
can be pure torture.

I apologize for not having more messages of hope or optimism. It is just not a place that I have reached yet, the pain is still far too fresh.
I promise I am usually a much more upbeat and optimistic person, and as such I find myself feeling guilty for not being more hopeful right now. I think once I get through the physical pregnancy and begin moving toward trying again, that the naturally happy me will begin to return. I do plan to go forward with a frozen embryo transfer once my body is ready so if you stick around there will be signs of hope and life again soon. My story is not over yet and I am not ready to give up on becoming a mom.

Thank you for stopping by, please feel free to poke around at my past posts and leave comments letting me know more about yourself. I hope to get to know even more wonderful bloggers this week and hear more about your stories.

38 comments:

Ally said...

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I too am searching for that light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up hope! *hugs*

ventingvagina said...

don't feel guilty. this is difficult and you have to deal with it in the way that works for you. i know hope will find it's way back into your journey. remember? hope > fear. :)

so sorry you have to have another u/s. i hope you find closure as soon as you're ready. hugs.

Lindsey said...

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Never apologize for the way you feel... I'm hoping you can get to a happier place soon.

azmamma said...

I am so sorry you will have to go back AGAIN! Do they say why the HCG is continuing to rise? Do they think it is a molar pregnancy?? Do they think there is a possibility of a viable pregnancy? In any case I hope you get clear answers soon. HUGS!

Gia said...

Oh, Holly, I am so sorry for all you are going through. Just know that you have people praying for you and that your cyber/blog friends are hurting for you as well.

Jin said...

My heart keeps breaking for you and I'm still keeping hope that they will find a healthy baby in there! It has to be!

Teamjinfred.wordpress.com

lowfatlady said...

I am so sorry your having to go through this. I am surprised that your beta keeps going up. I hope you get a resolution soon.

Ashley said...

Holly, I am so so sorry.:( You have been in my thoughts and prayers!

tasivfer said...

You never have to apologise on your own blog for being negative. You're not going through a good time, and this is your place to tell us how awful it is for you so that others can offer you support. (((HUGS)))

rebecca said...

Oh Holly, your feelings are understandable given the pain & grief you're experiencing. No one expects you to be optimistic or upbeat right now, grief is a process that takes time to walk through. Thinking of you often & keeping you in my prayers.

Shazz said...

I agree NEVER feel guilty!! I'm not one of those people who say what happens will happen...I hate that saying. But something I have learn't through 7 yrs of TTCing is we honestly don't have any control of what our bodies do. we can eat properly, take herbes, accupuncture etc but there are no guarantees for anyone but we do our best.

Holly your stronger than you know!!

Even though I am now a mum I would like to stick around and support you if that's ok.

Thanks for visiting my blog.
xoxo

Happy ICLW!

Leslie said...

I am so sorry for everything you have experienced recently and wanted to wish you the best with moving forward, when you decide that you are ready! I do not think that you should feel guilty either!

Angie said...

I'm sorry we had to meet like this. I'll pray you'll have peace in the coming weeks.

Happy ICLW (#48)

Tiffany said...

I think you and Chad are so incredibly strong, (probably stronger than you realize) and give eachother the strength to go on. I know it is so hard. I'll keep you two in my prayers!

Megan said...

*HUG*

Katie said...

Don't apologize, Holly. You are going through a difficult time, and it's okay to not feel hopeful. Just letting you know that I'm thinking about you. And, of course, sending you lots of hugs.

Kristin said...

Oh Holly, I am so very sorry for your loss. Miscarriage, no matter how early, is heartbreaking. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

~ICLW

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It's just not fair. I wish there were something more I could do or say.

(((HUGS)))

-K said...

Hang in there. Great blog, can't wait to read more. I'm your newest follower from IComLeavWe.

-K
http://mypottyseat.blogspot.com/

Rach said...

So sorry to hear this news. It breaks my heart. Please know I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

http://www.teseivf.blogspot.com/

Jaime said...

Holly -

I am so sorry for your loss!!! You will be in my prayers, both for physical and emotional healing! I understand that "place" you are in right now and you have every right to feel the way you do...don't feel guilty about it at all, it is only normal.

Kacey said...

My heart hurts for you! I pray pray pray that one day soon (just around the corner) you will be able to look back on all of this and say..."it all makes sense now". You WILL be an incredible mother for what you have endured.
Kacey

Willow said...

I'm so sorry. This is just heartbreaking.

Marion said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog! I see you have had a rough time these past few weeks. I cannot imagine what you must be going through, but you are in my prayers!

Terry Elisabeth said...

You seem to be very determined to have kids. I have no doubt that you will get to be a mother one day, you will find a way. Hang in there ! :)

Lauren said...

I'm a new follower to your blog and I'm sorry about what you've been through so far. Thoughts and prayers go out to you.

http://notjustanarmywife.blogspot.com/

Quiet Dreams said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this. So very sorry.

Thank you for the kind comment you left on my blog. ICLW

Baby bump bound said...

Hi, here by way of ICLW~
I am so sorry for your loss. It takes time to move forward, so take all the time you need and be kind to yourself.
I added your blog to my blogroll and I look forward to getting to know you through blogging.

All my best~
http://ourbabybumpstory.blogspot.com/

daega99 said...

Many, many hugs!

ICLW
http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

theimpatientoptimist said...

I think all of us who are usually cheery optimistic people find the impact of IF on our psyche's particularly difficult - we feel like we shouldn't let it 'change us', but you know what: EVERY experience in our life changes us.
So don't feel guilty. This is a sad time for you and you're allowed to wallow a little bit. When you're ready, that optimism will come back!
ICLW

Miriam said...

**hug** I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I hope yesterday's u/s wasn't too uncomfortable, and that you find some strength and peace this weekend.

~Miriam (ICLW #106) Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed

Tammy said...

Many warm and understanding hugs to you... I am so sorry for your loss and the continued struggle for resolution of it. You have to feel what you feel for as long as you feel it. Now, over 8 years since the loss of my one and only pregnancy, I still feel it at times. (((((hugs))) and take care of you. And I do hope for you in this time when hoping may be hard, that your dream will come true and soon.

Lauren said...

Hugs to you. I'm sorry you have to be going through all of this. I'm new to your blog and looking forward to reading more updates.

http://notjustanarmywife.blogspot.com/

jennifer said...

I stumbled across your blog as I too am dealing with a Miscarraige. I became pregnant last november and went in for my first ultrasound at 8 weeks only to learn there was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks and 4 days. We had to wait an agonizing week for a repeat ultrasound to see if there was change but NOTHING. My OB had to induce my miscarraige..That was four months ago and I still cry when I see people with babies or that are newly pregnant. Good luck with Everything..and just know that alot of women are yearning for a little one as much as you :)

stacie said...

I'm so, so sorry. Don't feel the need to apologize for not having more messages of optimism; let yourself grieve for as long as you need to. Hugs and best of luck.

Lisa said...

You're right. Your story isn't over yet. Focus on the women who go on to conceive and give birth after having experienced IF and/or miscarriage (myself included). Although each woman's miscarriage is unique to her, just knowing that it is not just possible, but very real, can help boost your confidence.

I wish I could offer more. You know where to find me if you want to have a chat.

VA Blondie said...

I am sorry you have to deal with this. Your story is definitely not over yet.

Here from ICLW.

Fran said...

Hi Holly, I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing, it's just dreadful. I had two ectopic pregnancies after IVF so I share a bit of the bad luck. I hope it'll resolve soon, you had a great fert report and fab embryos, I am positive you will succeed!
Fran

ICLW