Saturday, April 3, 2010

Hope Is Greater Than Fear

I worked very hard this past week to conquer my fears about this pregnancy and my slightly lower than ideal beta numbers. I talked to friends and family, got a lot of really great first hand information from my wonderful friends online and by the end of the week I felt so much more confident that the 64% rise in hCG was completely normal and totally fine. I had hardly any doubt that my beta Friday would bring me good news and some relief. But I was wrong.

A different nurse called this time and she sounded far less gloomy than the last so I was prepared for much better news and much higher increases but I didn't get that. My hCG levels only rose 46% over 4 days. At my first beta last Saturday they were 235, then 2 days later 385 and now 4 more days go by and they are 822. The nurse said the fact that they are still rising is good and I am doing another test Monday morning. She said we will keep monitoring betas until the levels are high enough for an ultrasound. I am very grateful that my doctor and his staff are not giving up on me or my baby, but I am still scared.

I am trying to stay focused on the positive and trust that this will all turn out OK. I know there are so many miracle stories out there and people I know firsthand, that had low numbers or falling numbers that turned around and went on to be healthy pregnancies and beautiful babies. I want my hope to be stronger than my fear. I know that hope and love can conquer fear and I am doing all I can to hold on to that, but it isn't easy. The thing that scares me most right now is that my rate of increase actually dropped. Not only did it not double, but it slowed down even more. Now every little symptom or more accurately lack thereof, puts knots in my stomach.

I feel just like I have during so many two week waits, anxiously poking and pushing my breasts to see if they are as sore as they were yesterday; noting every instance that I have to use the bathroom; zeroing in on every abdominal cramp, twinge, or pull. If I don't feel fatigued or sleepy during the day I get nervous. And seeing pregnant women or babies first makes me smile right before I have run to my car to cry and beg my little Sprout to stay with me.

I have another long weekend ahead, but in spite of the fear I do still have hope that my numbers will keep rising and hopefully even be high enough for an ultrasound on Monday. Thank you again to all of you that have been there for us this past week and for all of your crossed fingers, prayers and
positive growing vibes. It gives me more comfort than you know. Please keep those positive thoughts and prayers coming and I will be doing all I can to conquer my fear and stay hopeful to help my Sprout grow.

17 comments:

Miracle in the Making said...

Still praying sweetie! I think this is just beanie taking it's sweeeet time! Your kids are already driving you crazy! xoxo

Gia said...

Holly, I am praying for you and your bean! Hopefully the sprout is just snuggling in!

Jessica said...

I am hoping and praying every second of everyday for you!

Infertility And Me said...

Praying hard over here!!! Remember what i said, it has to work!!!

ventingvagina said...

i'm thinking of you! keeping everything crossed for good news on monday. you have the right attitude, so keep it up! your hope is definitely stronger than fear. i know it is!

tasivfer said...

Thinking of you and your little Sprout! <3

Krissi said...

Hoping & praying your little sprout hangs on! Hang in there!

BeEncouraged said...

Sundays almost here and after sunday is monday:-) I pray that your able to find peace. I can only imagine the stress you are feeling now
Thanks for sharing

Amaprincess said...

Holly...I just wanted to tell you that I love you! I can't imagine how crazy you must be feeling! I'm here to talk if you need! I'm praying your little sprout shows you some amazing numbers on Monday! xoxoxoxo

Ashley said...

holly, you are such an inspiration. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you and your husband right now, but you have such a positive outlook. My fingers are still crossed that your little baby is still growing strong and you will have a baby in your arms in 9 months!

Roxanne said...

Praying for you and the little sprout!! Praying Monday is a great day!! {{Hugs}}

betterbabybox said...

Much online rooting for you and hubby and sprout.

rebecca said...

Praying & continuing to send thoughts of hope your way. Praying that you are given relief tomorrow with some awesome numbers & concrete information about how baby is doing. Stay strong in you hope & faith:)

The Quest For Baby Hang said...

I am praying for you and keeping mty fingers crossed that your levels go up!!

Kacey said...

I'll share with you a daily devo I recieved the other day.
Recieve by Grace Through Faith
"Therefore He who supplies the Spirit to you and works mircales among you, does He do it by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?"-Galations 3:5

When you simply believe that you receive your blessing based on Jesus' finished work and by His grace alone, you WILL RECEIVE YOUR BLESSINGS!

Also your 1st beta was so high...it indicates twins in my book b/c it was so close to my 1st beta. Its very common to have they call it a "vanishing twin". You could have lost one baby and that is why your counts are rising slower. Or everything still might be fine, and you might have 2 babies! I have faith that 1 baby is growing just fine. I'll pray for you! Just give it to God!!

Katie said...

I am still here, staying hopeful and positive with you. xo

Simply Mel said...

Stopping by to say "hi" and that I'm keeping you in my prayers. I saw you tweets recently and am so happy for you.