Thursday, February 4, 2010

RE Appt Part 3: Return of the Old I


In case you're behind, Chad (DH) and I recently had our first appointment and consultation with our RE. This consultation actually wound up taking place over two separate appointments, you can read about part one here and part two here. Part three is not actually another appointment. It's the part of the consultation that's still taking place in my head and during evening talks with Chad. I have so many different emotions and thoughts bouncing around inside of me with regards to our doctor, our diagnoses, but mostly about our decision to begin IVF.

There is so much about being faced with this process that breaks my heart. I never thought that this is where we would be. The idea of IVF was always a far away fallback that I never believed we would need. I always felt like our miracle would be just around the corner. Now knowing that natural conception is something that will never happen for us, I need to take the time to mourn. I had so many dreams of how it would be to find out I was pregnant: seeing those two pink lines, doing the math and realizing our baby was conceived during some special moment, finding the perfect, creative way to tell Chad he was going to be a daddy, but now none of those dreams will be realized. If this IVF cycle is successful I will not have even conceived my child inside my body, let alone have the opportunity to surprise my husband with the news.

And it is scary knowing that this is the end of the line, that if this does not work for us there is no next step for us to conceive our child. This is the end of the fertility treatment line. I look at all the lower tech TTC tools I was using just last month and feel almost like I failed at them. I can't help but be aware of all the time and money I have unknowingly wasted over the years on OPKs, products to improve cervical mucus, thermometers, and charts that would have never changed my not-pregnant status.


But despite all these heartbreaks and fears, I have so many good feeling about this new step toward motherhood. Yes, my child will be conceived in a lab instead of inside my body, and it will cost a lot of money to make happen what is usually free (or at most the cost of a cheap bottle of wine) but my child will never question whether he or she was wanted.


And as much as I wish those OPKs and charts had been the secret to pregnancy for me, it is a huge relief to know I will never have to bother with any of them again. I will never take another early morning temperature, never use another OPK, never have to have a "BD schedule" ever again! In fact I never have to "BD" again. Now sex is just sex and not a baby dance. I feel more like myself than I have in months! And I am so excited to share my wealth of unused OPKs with other deserving TTC girls in a blog giveaway to come soon!


I feel so much more like myself in fact that I have been able to laugh, smile and make jokes about IVF. At first I was very sad that my answer to the question "where do babies come from" wouldn't be quite the same anymore but now I am getting excited about it and I really think this pic will end up on my baby's onesie if this process is a success. Although, in many ways this journey has forever changed me, it is also good to feel a bit more like the old me again.


While it's scary to know that if IVF does not work for us our chances to have a biological child are almost non-existent, I know that being a mother is far more important to me than biology and we have so many wonderful resources and supports in place if we decide to pursue adoption. We will be parents no matter what and we are just one step closer to making that happen.

13 comments:

Tiffany said...

You are so fabulous Holly!! You are right, being a mother, at the end of the day, is the only reason we go through all that we do as infertile women. No matter how your baby comes into your life, it will still be your baby, and you'll be a mommy!!!

betterbabybox said...

It will be amazing for your child to feel like they weren't just wanted - they were fought for. Good luck on this next stage. We're all rooting for you.

Chasing a Miracle said...

I know how you feel, but im going to tell you this:
It will work, and when you see that little wriggely line inside of you for the first time, when you see your child's heart beat, you will forget the journey.
As hard as it will be, as many tears as you will shead during the process, as angry as you may get...
It will be worth it.
And when your child comes to you and says, where did i come from, you will have an AMAZING story for them, right here at ready2bmom.blogspot.com
i truly believe that it is not where children come from, it is the situation that they are brought into... And in your case, pure love.
if you ever need someone to talk to who has been there, and knows the pain and heart ache, i will always be just a tweet away.
Good luck, this is your time, your are now ready 2 b a mom ;o)

liberalgranolagirl said...

I am so happy to read this post! I could not have said any better than Cheryl <3

Paisley said...

What a great post. I'll be rooting for you the whole way through!

Randifity said...

While I am sad to be losing a cycle buddy, I am so excited for you. I can't wait to hear more about your journey!

Dana said...

Love this post! :) It is a HUGE relief when the OPKs abd BDing are gone! We have not been doing time intercourse blah blah blah for over a year and its been FANTASTIC! :) IUIs are soo but even then theres no charting and all that jazz. Theres definitely a relief in it but at the same time its very scary!

Sharoni said...

Holly, this is your time! God has a little baby miracle already picked out for you guys, and he's just waiting for the perfect time to to send that miracle your way. I'm routing for you two : )

Jen @ After The Alter said...

I saw someone post this quote on facebook today and this post made me think of it.. "when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place" -unknown
The end result is the most important...so keep the finish line in mind when you get sad..***HUGS!***

Ashley said...

This is a great post. I'm so excited for you! I know that you will be a mother soon! We will get through this.

Waiting Lisa said...

We all grow up imagining our life will be a certain way. It's really hard to give up on that. To accept that things will be different from how you dreamed.

I will never be pregnant. Ever. No matter what happens. That is a hard pill to swallow. But, in the end, that doesn't matter. I will be a mom. That's all that matters. So, just keep reminding yourself that no matter what, you will be a mom. You just have to wait to find out how it will happen. And when it does, your baby will know how much you loved them before they were even born.

I'm always here if you need to talk. I think you are amazing and I love that we have each other for support.

Krissi said...

When I first learned about IVF, I was quite upset over the technical, medical side of it rather than the romantic, magical side...but it turned out to be quite magical after all--in it's own way. You may not forget what you are about to go through in the future, but it will be an experience that will be unlike any other. Good luck!! Remember, as trite as it may sound, take it one day at a time. It can be quite overwhelming! ~mymiracles77 (Stress Free Infertility)

Karen said...

I really enjoyed reading about your appointment with the RE. I have this fear that we will be there in a couple of months. However, your experience has really encouraged me. Thank you.