Thursday, February 4, 2010
RE Appt Part 3: Return of the Old I
In case you're behind, Chad (DH) and I recently had our first appointment and consultation with our RE. This consultation actually wound up taking place over two separate appointments, you can read about part one here and part two here. Part three is not actually another appointment. It's the part of the consultation that's still taking place in my head and during evening talks with Chad. I have so many different emotions and thoughts bouncing around inside of me with regards to our doctor, our diagnoses, but mostly about our decision to begin IVF.
There is so much about being faced with this process that breaks my heart. I never thought that this is where we would be. The idea of IVF was always a far away fallback that I never believed we would need. I always felt like our miracle would be just around the corner. Now knowing that natural conception is something that will never happen for us, I need to take the time to mourn. I had so many dreams of how it would be to find out I was pregnant: seeing those two pink lines, doing the math and realizing our baby was conceived during some special moment, finding the perfect, creative way to tell Chad he was going to be a daddy, but now none of those dreams will be realized. If this IVF cycle is successful I will not have even conceived my child inside my body, let alone have the opportunity to surprise my husband with the news.
And it is scary knowing that this is the end of the line, that if this does not work for us there is no next step for us to conceive our child. This is the end of the fertility treatment line. I look at all the lower tech TTC tools I was using just last month and feel almost like I failed at them. I can't help but be aware of all the time and money I have unknowingly wasted over the years on OPKs, products to improve cervical mucus, thermometers, and charts that would have never changed my not-pregnant status.
But despite all these heartbreaks and fears, I have so many good feeling about this new step toward motherhood. Yes, my child will be conceived in a lab instead of inside my body, and it will cost a lot of money to make happen what is usually free (or at most the cost of a cheap bottle of wine) but my child will never question whether he or she was wanted.
And as much as I wish those OPKs and charts had been the secret to pregnancy for me, it is a huge relief to know I will never have to bother with any of them again. I will never take another early morning temperature, never use another OPK, never have to have a "BD schedule" ever again! In fact I never have to "BD" again. Now sex is just sex and not a baby dance. I feel more like myself than I have in months! And I am so excited to share my wealth of unused OPKs with other deserving TTC girls in a blog giveaway to come soon!
I feel so much more like myself in fact that I have been able to laugh, smile and make jokes about IVF. At first I was very sad that my answer to the question "where do babies come from" wouldn't be quite the same anymore but now I am getting excited about it and I really think this pic will end up on my baby's onesie if this process is a success. Although, in many ways this journey has forever changed me, it is also good to feel a bit more like the old me again.
While it's scary to know that if IVF does not work for us our chances to have a biological child are almost non-existent, I know that being a mother is far more important to me than biology and we have so many wonderful resources and supports in place if we decide to pursue adoption. We will be parents no matter what and we are just one step closer to making that happen.