Monday, March 29, 2010

I Want Off This Roller Coaster!

It has been 2 days since my first beta confirming pregnancy and this morning I went in for my 2nd round of blood work. Of course me being me and having "infertile brain" I was kinda nervous after the blood draw and the longer it took to get the call with my results, the more nervous I became. Finally the phone rang and I got the update. My progesterone and estrogen levels are right where they should be, so I am continuing my injections and gel as I have been since the transfer. The hCG levels on the other hand are another story.

I could tell right away by the nurse's voice when she called that something was not quite right. And then when she said "I'm calling to talk to you about your blood test" (instead of tell you about it) I got really nervous. My 1st beta on Saturday morning was around 230 and it supposed to double every 48 hours, which means they expected today's to be around 460. Instead it was only 385, a rise of about 64% according to the clinic. The nurse told me to be "cautiously optimistic" and then advised me to stay calm and relaxed until my next beta which is not until Friday. Thankfully she did acknowledge that this was easier said than done. I am trying very hard to stay as calm as possible but inside I am so incredibly scared.

I called Chad and relayed the entire conversation to him. He sounded like the wind had been knocked out of him and then said he was coming home. I told him he didn't need to but really I am glad he did. I just needed a hug from him if nothing else. When he got home we both Googled and I tweeted and I am happy to say we did get some reassuring information. A rise over 60% is considered adequate and there is still a good chance everything will be fine.

Of course, that doesn't completely stop me from being scared out of my mind. I know I have only been pregnant for two days but I don't think I can survive the heartbreak if it doesn't last. I am holding on to every ounce of faith and hope I have that this will turn out OK, but part of me just wants to cry out "It isn't fair!" Trying to become a mom has been such a roller coaster already. For the past 3 years I have been through so many physical and emotional ups, downs, twists and turns and finally the light at the end had appeared, only to throw me into another loop. Why can't it ever just be simple? I thought surviving last week while I anxiously waited to find out if my IVF was successful was bad, but now I have to wait almost another week to find out if my success will be short lived or not. I just want off this roller coaster already! I will gladly get onto another one, as I know parenting is a roller coaster of emotions too, but I am ready to say goodbye to this one!

Thank you so much to everyone that has been there for me today by providing kinds words and reassuring information, as well as for keeping me and Sprout in your thoughts and prayers. It means more to me and has helped more than you will ever know. I hope I have good news to share on Friday.

23 comments:

Honey B. said...

Oh yikes, what a nerve-wracking couple days! Hugs and prayers to you and Hubby!
~HB

Jessica said...

Kenny and I will continue to pray for the 3 of you! Fingers crossed for a good beta on Friday!

Waiting Lisa said...

You're right. It isn't fair. I'm sorry. Keep thinking positive. I really think you're going to find out on Friday that you worried for nothing.

You will get through this. One long day of waiting at a time. And we'll all be here waiting and hoping with you. *HUGS*

Chasing a Miracle said...

As i said this morning, i know exactly what you are going through, i know how much it hurts and i know how much you just want out, and i know that no matter what anyone says it will never be enough.
The only thing i can say, and have said, is have faith, hold onto whatever it is inside that kept you going over the past 2 weeks and dont let go.
I know your pain, and i sit here wishing with all my heart i could squeeze you and tell you it will be ok, that no matter what you will be ok.
It sucks, its not fair, and i hope and pray for this to be your miracle, hang in there holly, you will make it.
*HUGS*

Jill said...

Waiting is definitely nerve racking. I think it has to do with the whole don't think about an elephant thing. I'm waiting for my own news to happen on Thursday, and I still can't imagine having to wait for yours. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Every time I worry about my wait this week I'm going to think of you and say a little prayer.

Holly said...

Praying praying praying for you my dear SIL! I love you and your little sprout!

Tillie said...

I'm sending you lots of love and hugs...Just keep the faith I'm sure that this worked - keep calm and relax...*hugs*

Adoptive Momma said...

prayers for you

Pregnant Yuppy said...

I hope that everything is okay. Your numbers are still going up and that is good news. Let's hope you get some great numbers at your next blood draw.

Courtney (AKA MommaRoberts) said...

I am praying for you guys!! Everything will be ok! I know how you feel with being scared, I am scared to death too. One hour knowing our preg. and loosing it is devastating much less two days. Heck I will be 6 weeks tomorrow and I am still scared to death :( It will be fine! I am praying for you guys!

tasivfer said...

Hey, it's gone up and not down, which is GREAT! The stress never ends. I'll be thinking of you and your long wait until Friday's test.

xx

BabyWid said...

Prayers for a very sticky bean(s) coming your way! "Try" and relax and have faith! I'll be thinking of you and your hub until Friday's test!

Christy said...

I know it is a lot easier said than done, but try and relax. You had said in one of your previous posts from the time you did the embro transfer you told yourself you were pregnant, positive thinking works, you are a strong woman who will get through this. Being scared is natural, we all go through that emotion every month. I will continue to pray that god gives you the strength to get through the next 4 days and that your little bean is safe and sound all snuggle in the warm womb :)

Ashley said...

Oh Holly, this isn't fair. :( I will be praying for you this week that your little baby(ies) continue to grow and you get great news at your next visit!

Megan said...

Gahhh, why can't the journey toward motherhood just be EASY??? I'm sorry you keep having to go through ups and downs, but on the bright side, you ARE still pregnant, yay!!!! I'll be keeping you AND your baby in my thoughts and hope that Friday gives better results!

Katie said...

You are so right. This isn't fair. After being on this roller coaster for so long, you are ready and DESERVING to get off of this ride. I'm so sorry you have to go around one more time, but here's hoping that you can get OFF of this thing on Friday. My thoughts are with you, and I'm sending lots of positive and "sticky" vibes your way.

(((hugs)))

Tiffany said...

Stay positive!! When I was telling my sister-in-law (who is a labor and deliver nurse) about my beta levels she told me that since every woman's body is so different it is really almost impossible to give the levels a "normal". To be in the 3 hundreds right now could just totally be your body's normal and there is nothing to be nervous about! Chin up!

Kacey said...

My nurse told me they like to see an increase of 60% in 48 hours. I said "I thought it is supposed to double" and she said that would just be a bonus. She said if it doesn't increase by 60% then they just do another blood test. So if I got that number they wouldn't even do another blood test on me! I think you're fine! Its in God's hand...just relax, give it to Him, and enjoy this week of being pregnant! We've waited so long for this so treasure each day!!

rebecca said...

Sending lots of positive vibes your way...stay hopeful & strong. You've survived so much on this crazy IF roller coaster & you will get through this too! Lots of us in the IF community are rallying beside you sending support, prayers, & hugs:)

Jen @ After The Alter said...

I just wanted to send hugs and postive thoughts your way. It is horrible being in limbo, but you have to believe your little one is a fighter. I know it's different in your situations, but my doctor doesn't really beleive in checking levels because they don't mean EVERYTHING. Maybe yours just takes time to get higher. Hang in there!!!

Kim3278 said...

Sending positive thoughts your way. I wish you and Chad all the best. Hang in!

Jin said...

Praying that everything goes well!

NaVe said...

Praying, hoping and thinking of you a lot! <3