Monday, March 8, 2010
Can this really be happening? Ever since I took my first birth control pill last month and made the decision to go forward with IVF, everything has felt very surreal. In my mind I have known what was going on. I have taken pills, received injections, had dates with wandy, had my blood drawn, signed consents, and written a giant check, but somehow it still does not feel completely real. I am now less than a week away from my egg retrieval and in my mind I know that there is a very real possibility that I will be pregnant by next week, but emotionally I just can't seem to grasp that concept. It is all at once so close and still so far away.
Being pregnant has become for me what growing up once was. Like when you were 8 years old and you talked about what you would do when you grew up but really you couldn't truly believe that day would ever come. You were going to be a kid forever because that was all you really knew. The "when I grow up" fantasies were just that, you were never really going to be an adult, you were just going to talk about it. That's I how feel about being pregnant and becoming a mom sometimes. I have been daydreaming and talking about being a mother for so long it has begun to feel exactly the way it felt when I talked about being a famous movie star someday. It was something I could talk about and idealize all I wanted because I knew I would really always be a child, growing up was just too far away to understand. But even though my 8 year old self never really accepted that I would be in my late 20's one day, here I am, so I am having faith that motherhood turns out the same way and I will be looking back on this time of my life one day in a similar way.
I know that whether I feel like this is really happening or not, it is. The slight ache I have in my ovaries lately reminds me that I have lots of potential future babies growing in there. After my RE appointment this morning I know that I have about 18 of them actually, all in great shape and size. Dr. Jedi again commented on my eggs and and exclaimed that I could be an egg donor. Not that I am bragging, I am just relieved that I am responding well to the stims and that so far things are going well. There are still so many other steps that we need to complete and so many things that could still go wrong, so having good eggs is a really a relief. And speaking of relief and things going well I got even more good news today, my left ovary moved! It is now 100% accessible! When I first asked, Dr Jedi admitted that he had momentarily forgotten about it because it was exactly where it was supposed to be! I don't if it was his mind tricks, the super-sizing meds, or all those cartwheels I did this weekend but whatever it was, it worked and I am so thrilled!
As of today, my egg retrieval is most likely scheduled for this Friday and my transfer should happen at the beginning of next week. I am very hopeful and optimistic that this will work. Every day that goes by I feel more and more like it will. But weirdly this does not make the possibility that I will be holding my child in my arms before the year is over seem any more real or any more tangible. It have just wanted this for so long, it is almost impossible to grasp the idea that I could really be so close to getting it. And even though I have clear ideas and dreams of what parenthood will be like I know that, like growing up, the reality will be so much more than I could have ever prepared for or dreamed of. I can't wait for the reality check.