Monday, January 25, 2010

Pressing Pause


My temps dropped. Late. And then AF came. Late. I cried my heart out and mourned this lost cycle and lamented about the tricks my body played on me. And then I realized that I need a break from the insanity. I am sick of being on a schedule. I am tired of being so hyper aware of everything my body is doing. I miss the days when Chad and I were just "not preventing", blissfully naive about my blocked tube and believing that if we just behaved like a normal married couple we would surely have a child nine months later. I am emotionally and mentally drained and consumed with the ttc process. It's time to hit pause.

Since this was my last cycle on clomid we have decided to press pause on the whole TTC routine. No temping, no OPKs, no clomid, no crazy BD rituals or requirements. Just a month for Chad and me to just be us. Of course, thanks to many months of charts, I have a vague idea of when I will ovulate so there is a good chance we will still BD during that time, but only if we want to. I know it will be a challenge for my controlling side to let go like this but I am also very relieved to give up some of the stress.

We are in no way giving up the fight, but we realize that it's time to take a break from the battle to rest and regroup. And this is also a perfect opportunity to meet with the experts and re-strategize. Our first appointment with the RE is this Friday. I have mixed feelings about this stage of our TTC journey but I ultimately feel like it's the direction for us right now.

Of course, there is the chance that our plan to take a break will change once we meet with the RE if he wants to do monitoring this cycle, but that's the great thing about a pause button, you can hit play and start right where you left off.


13 comments:

PCOSChick said...

Sounds like a good plan! It is always nice to have some time off & regroup

Fertility Chick said...

Sometimes a short break can be good for the body and soul. Do what feels right. Keep us posted on what the RE says - but you're right, if need be, you can always hit play again and keep on going! Good luck - thinking about you!

Jen @ After The Alter said...

I'm so so so so sorry...I know how ones mind can play tricks. I am writing a post now about hwo I don't believe there are any real early pregnancy symptoms and that they are all myths! I ahve felt them ALL! I think a pause may be nice. I did that back in December and it was really nice. Just to do what we wanted...and now I am more relaxed and feel better...i hope it does the same for you.. ***hugs!***

Tiffany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tiffany said...

Such a great plan, the pause plan! (Plus I heard conceiving in February is just not what it's cracked up to be) lol =) Pause, re-bout, control+alt+delete or whatever you need. Enjoy each day!

Sharoni said...

Holly, a pause is a good things. Gives you the time to reevaluate plans, reaffirm your wants and needs with each other, and with the future. It'll be good. : )

Ashley said...

That sounds like a great plan! Good luck at your appointment!

Courtney said...

I know how hard it is to take the step to the RE. I think you are doing a great thing on the taking time to re-group. I am a firm believer that it does a body good =)

Becca M said...

I understand completely. We have taken a few breaks-some not in our control, others in our control-and they did us a world of good.

*huge hugs*

Christa said...

Pause is a great thing! In looking back it took one miscarriage and 8 mos(in perspective that is not long at all), but realizing that it wasn't immediate helped me remember the agonizing feeling of waiting. Pause is amazing because it allows you to remember being just the two of you together. Enjoy it and relish it.

Kaitlin said...

I'm so sorry this month was not your month! I know it's going to happen for you though.

Your plan sounds like a great idea. Get some much needed relax from everything. Can't wait to hear how your appt goes with the RE.

Charla and Jesse said...

We are currently in the same boat.Only my doctor said to please not to stop doing your the OPK's because when we do go to the RE he will want to see how my cycles are.
Good luck

Holly said...

My dear SIL, I too am mourning the loss of this cycle. I was hoping and praying this would be the month for you. I look fw to hearing about your appt Fri. It was during our breaks from Clomid that we conceived 2 babies...crazy how that works. I know all too well about the tears, mourning, and outright frustration...hang in there. I love you!