Monday, January 25, 2010
My temps dropped. Late. And then AF came. Late. I cried my heart out and mourned this lost cycle and lamented about the tricks my body played on me. And then I realized that I need a break from the insanity. I am sick of being on a schedule. I am tired of being so hyper aware of everything my body is doing. I miss the days when Chad and I were just "not preventing", blissfully naive about my blocked tube and believing that if we just behaved like a normal married couple we would surely have a child nine months later. I am emotionally and mentally drained and consumed with the ttc process. It's time to hit pause.
Since this was my last cycle on clomid we have decided to press pause on the whole TTC routine. No temping, no OPKs, no clomid, no crazy BD rituals or requirements. Just a month for Chad and me to just be us. Of course, thanks to many months of charts, I have a vague idea of when I will ovulate so there is a good chance we will still BD during that time, but only if we want to. I know it will be a challenge for my controlling side to let go like this but I am also very relieved to give up some of the stress.
We are in no way giving up the fight, but we realize that it's time to take a break from the battle to rest and regroup. And this is also a perfect opportunity to meet with the experts and re-strategize. Our first appointment with the RE is this Friday. I have mixed feelings about this stage of our TTC journey but I ultimately feel like it's the direction for us right now.
Of course, there is the chance that our plan to take a break will change once we meet with the RE if he wants to do monitoring this cycle, but that's the great thing about a pause button, you can hit play and start right where you left off.