Thursday, January 21, 2010

Hope is Scary


Today is 11dpo and my temp is the same as yesterday. This has NEVER happened. My temp always
starts going down by now. My LP is only 12 days so a temp drop at 11dpo is expected and very typical, but today it didn't happen. I had a significant dip at 9dpo and assumed it was the beginning of the end but then at 10dpo it went back up and is still there! (my chart) I am trying to keep my feet on the ground but the bubble of of hope in my heart is getting bigger and is about to float away with me.

Before you ask, yes I caved and poas'd this morning:
BFN. I know that 11dpo is pretty early though, so the knowledge of my not falling temp this morning is staying with me. This is dangerous. I have been having those daydreams about how I would tell friends and family, when the baby would be due, and how I would decorate the nursery. I have even gone so far as to find out that if we did in fact conceive this month it would have happened on January 13, which as you may recall is our lego anniversary and the start of our lucky 8th year together. Little things like this make me even more hopeful.


The ups and downs of ttc and struggling with infertility has never made me more afraid to hope. As horrible as I felt last month knowing I wasn't pregnant, as I watched my temperatures fall at least I was prepared for the heartbreak. When I dare to hope the pain of another failed cycle seems to be that much greater. Don't get me wrong, I'm not always hope-phobic. For the majority of every cycle I am very hopeful that this could be the month and I relish the new hopes and possibilities during that time period, it's the last few days of the 2ww when everything gets real. This is the time that will make or break me emotionally. I just fear that I will have sky-high hopes today, despite my best attempts to stay grounded, and I will be in that much more pain tomorrow when my temp drops or worse when AF shows her ugly face.

If this cycle does end in disappointment it's on to the next phase of treatment including my first visit to the RE and most likely surgery for my blocked tube. I am mostly ok with that. I am sure some tears will be shed in the process but I am optimistic that this will be the right course to take. Unless I really am already pregnant....should I really dare to dream?



9 comments:

Jen @ After The Alter said...

I really hope this is it for you! I hate feeling that my mind is playing tricks and being worried to hope...it just shouldn't be that way..but since it is...I will keep you in my prayers and I hope to hear good news from you soon!

Dana said...

Dare to dream but remain grounded in your hope! The chart looks good but we both know you can look on FF and find a dozen charts that look just like that and are BFNs and a dozen that are BFPs. Have hope because it COULD happen and what a blessing that would be and have hope because its not right yet and it will be soon. Its been 9 years for us and we still have hope! :) HUGS!

PCOSChick said...

Oh think of you hun & hoping this all does mean a BFP is on it's way

Randifity said...

Holly, we're in the exact same boat. I'm afraid to hope because I don't want to have that crash when temps plummet. Today is the first time I've really gotten carried away. I'm afraid to allow myself to have symptoms or associate them with pregnancy. But, today I day dreamed, thinking up a nickname for the bean and a new nursery theme. /sigh. We BOTH need this. This is OUR month Holly. *hugs*

Ashley said...

I hope this is your cycle!! Fingers crossed for you!

Christa said...

Hope this is your cycle. Hugs to you.

Fertility Chick said...

Sending hope and good vibes from here too!

Holly said...

Thank you so much for the love and support!

The Quest For Baby Hang said...

I know what you mean... I try not to get my hopes up so high. My Husband never does, but he did last month after our first IUI..and I think that was even more heart breaking, seeing him so heartbroken.. Infertility is just soo awful.. But I know we will all have babies!! Keep your head up! What I do is...I don't test until I'm atleast a week late and that is when I start getting my hopes up. Maybe try that..no poas'ing until your a week late.