Heartbroken

It is officially over. The RE confirmed today on ultrasound that the gestational sac has grown too large without any significant development of a yolk sac for this pregnancy to be viable. My heart is broken.

I can't begin to describe the pain both Chad and I are feeling. We are however very grateful to have each other and to have so many people that care and have already sent virtual hugs our way. Thank you so much for that and for your kindness during this past week of uncertainty.

I have a lot of sadness at this loss as well as a lot of fear about what is to come next and I will be back to blog more about these feelings soon. For now though, I am just going to hold my husband so that we may cry and grieve together.

Wordless Wednesday: Make A Wish

Happy 28th Birthday to my wonderful husband! I love you more than words could ever say.
Be sure to blow out all the candles and make a wish when you do. I pray that your wish comes true.

Love You Lotskies
Your Lego,

Not Over Yet

Today has been a whirlwind of crazy proportions. If you missed the morning's events, please read my previous post. I got the call a little while ago and I have to admit it was not what I was expecting, but it is what I was hoping. My beta levels are still rising. I have an hCG level of 18,100 which is a 73% rise from my last test a week ago. A pretty good rise indeed. We go in for another ultrasound on Friday morning, and hopefully we will see what we should have seen today. And so, yet another week of life in limbo is upon me. Thank you all for the continued prayers, positive thoughts and support. I feel like a yo-yo lately with all of the up and down news and emotions and having your support really does mean so much. Chad and I have agreed that if we are blessed enough to meet this child(ren) we will no doubt share with them the miracle that is their early life story. I just pray we get that chance.

This Can't Be Happening

Today was our ultrasound and I wish I had good news but unfortunately I don't. I have what looks like either 2 gestational sacs or one "U shaped" sac but everything appears empty. I am just a couple of days past 6 weeks so by this point we should have seen something, at least a yolk sac and fetal pole, but the RE looked from every angle and couldn't find anything. He said there is a 5% chance that implantation occurred late and ordered another beta. If by some small chance it is still rising we will do another ultrasound Friday but otherwise I will stop taking meds and start the process of preparing for a FET (frozen embryo transfer)

I feel so numb right now. It just isn't fair. After 3 years we finally had our wishes come true only to have it all taken away. The awful thing is that as sad as I am right now, I am not terribly surprised. I am just so used to the pain at this point, I really couldn't fully believe something good was actually happening.

Yes, there is a tiny bit of hope and that is probably the real reason I am not falling apart yet. I will find out my beta results this afternoon and then we will know more. I admit I still have a ray of of hope that the numbers will come back nice and high but I know the chances are slim. Thank you so much to everyone that has already sent love, hugs and prayers my way. It really does mean a lot to me to know that I have people out there that care. I will post an update once I get the call.

Nearly Wordless Wednesday: Rite of Passage

I am following in the footsteps of many fellow IVFers and POASing despite my beta. I have seen so many stark white BFNs over the past 3 years, I want to see my BFP in person! That 2nd pink line is just too pretty!

I also want to thank you again from the bottom of my heart for all of the amazing and wonderful comments on my recent posts. I was moved to tears by your love support and just can't tell you enough how very grateful I am.

Sprouting Life!

I am so beyond happy and relieved to report the week of beta agony is finally over! After a very long and anxious day of waiting for my morning test results with no phone call, I finally called my RE's office to get the results. The nurse first apologized for not calling sooner and then explained that she was waiting to get confirmation from the doctor on some things before calling me.

Of course, my brain very quickly started swirling with thoughts about what kind of things she'd need to confirm and whether it was good or bad. As I tried to articulate these thoughts she realized how anxious I was and said my results were good though. I asked how good and she said my beta levels were 2659! I felt so shocked so ecstatic and emotional, I couldn't breathe. I made her repeat the number to make sure I heard right and I did, 2659 up from the 822 level two days ago. I did the math, it tripled! I thanked her profusely for delivering the good the news then immediately called Chad to tell him the good news.

I was still shaking and barely breathing when I called him so the poor guy had to go keep his own emotional outburst in check while he tried to decipher what I was saying. Finally he heard "tripled" and let it all out. Since then he has spent the the evening randomly coming up to me and whispering "You're Pregnant!" with a silly smile on his face. He even exclaimed to a stranger on the sidewalk "My wife's pregnant!" To say he is elated is understatement.

The past week has been so difficult and full of so much anxiety it feels so amazing to know there is life sprouting and growing inside me! I know there are many more miles to go before I can hold Sprout in my arms but I am so grateful to be out of beta limbo. I can't thank all of you enough for all the of the kind words and support you've given me this week and for all of your prayers and positive thoughts. I am so lucky to be a part of such a loving community. Thank you.

So since Sprout and I have graduated from beta tests, we have scheduled our first ultrasound for next Monday the 12th. When the nurse called to schedule she kept repeating "pre-natal ultrasound", as in, "I am calling to schedule your 1st pre-natal ultrasound" and "See you next week for your pre-natal ultrasound". I love the way that sounds! Like music to my ears. I will be right at 6 weeks so I am not expecting a heartbeat yet but I am so thrilled to be at this stage and to know that I can enjoy this next week without worrying so much. I can write down symptoms in my pregnancy journal and daydream about how we are going to re-do the office into a nursery. Most importantly I can let myself relax enough to actually believe that I am pregnant and nourishing my amazing little Sprout!

Hope Is Greater Than Fear

I worked very hard this past week to conquer my fears about this pregnancy and my slightly lower than ideal beta numbers. I talked to friends and family, got a lot of really great first hand information from my wonderful friends online and by the end of the week I felt so much more confident that the 64% rise in hCG was completely normal and totally fine. I had hardly any doubt that my beta Friday would bring me good news and some relief. But I was wrong.

A different nurse called this time and she sounded far less gloomy than the last so I was prepared for much better news and much higher increases but I didn't get that. My hCG levels only rose 46% over 4 days. At my first beta last Saturday they were 235, then 2 days later 385 and now 4 more days go by and they are 822. The nurse said the fact that they are still rising is good and I am doing another test Monday morning. She said we will keep monitoring betas until the levels are high enough for an ultrasound. I am very grateful that my doctor and his staff are not giving up on me or my baby, but I am still scared.

I am trying to stay focused on the positive and trust that this will all turn out OK. I know there are so many miracle stories out there and people I know firsthand, that had low numbers or falling numbers that turned around and went on to be healthy pregnancies and beautiful babies. I want my hope to be stronger than my fear. I know that hope and love can conquer fear and I am doing all I can to hold on to that, but it isn't easy. The thing that scares me most right now is that my rate of increase actually dropped. Not only did it not double, but it slowed down even more. Now every little symptom or more accurately lack thereof, puts knots in my stomach.

I feel just like I have during so many two week waits, anxiously poking and pushing my breasts to see if they are as sore as they were yesterday; noting every instance that I have to use the bathroom; zeroing in on every abdominal cramp, twinge, or pull. If I don't feel fatigued or sleepy during the day I get nervous. And seeing pregnant women or babies first makes me smile right before I have run to my car to cry and beg my little Sprout to stay with me.

I have another long weekend ahead, but in spite of the fear I do still have hope that my numbers will keep rising and hopefully even be high enough for an ultrasound on Monday. Thank you again to all of you that have been there for us this past week and for all of your crossed fingers, prayers and positive growing vibes. It gives me more comfort than you know. Please keep those positive thoughts and prayers coming and I will be doing all I can to conquer my fear and stay hopeful to help my Sprout grow.