Saturday, April 16, 2011
Week One of the Rest of My Life
Dear Precious Snow Pea,
It is 8:57pm, exactly one week to the minute since you were born and changed my life forever. The love and emotion I have experienced this past week are inexplicable in their depth. I always knew that I wanted you. I always knew that I loved you, even before you were conceived, even before your Daddy and I started the long journey to become your parents, even before I met your Daddy and knew that he was where my family would begin, before any of that I knew I wanted you more than anything in the world and that I loved you even more than that. But even knowing those things and feeling those things for as long as I have, still couldn't prepare me for the reality of having you really be here and the overwhelming love I have for you.
I feel unbelievably lucky to be your Mommy. You are so truly amazing in every way imaginable and I have often found myself staring at you this past week, wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve your presence in my life, to be able to call you daughter. For so long I feared I may never get the chance to meet you and I still can't believe you're here. It was a long and heartbreaking struggle for me and your Daddy, and now that you are here with us we truly know how worth every second of that journey was. I would face every challenge and endure every struggle all over again a thousand times if I had to, because there is no joy greater than you.
I will always remember and cherish every second of my pregnancy, of our special time together while you grew and became the little person that you are now. I remember watching with hope and excitement the little white shimmer of you as an embryo on the ultrasound monitor as the doctor transferred you into my body. I remember the tears of joy in your daddy's eyes the day we first saw your tiny flickering heartbeat. I remember the awe with which we watched you grow and change with each doctor's visit and the sheer bliss at feeling you move and kick each and every time. I talked to you often, hugging my belly and telling you how much I loved you. The day we left for the hospital so that you could be born was bittersweet for me, because as I excited as I was to meet you face to face I also realized that I had had you to myself for nine months and now I would have to share you with the world.
And I will always remember that exact moment, when I saw you go from inside my tummy to out into the world. The second I saw your tiny body, I exhaled a breath I didn't even know I was holding and felt peace wash over me. When your daddy brought you to me so that I could meet you face to face, I immediately held on to you and snuggled as much of my body as I possibly could into yours. I wish I could explain how warm and comforted and at peace I felt in those brief seconds when you were in my arms for the first time. Now I have had one whole week of holding and cuddling you and each second of it is better than the last. In so many ways it feels as if you are still snug in my tummy, I admit to having phantom feelings of your movements and hiccups these past few days, but in so many others it seems as if you have always been here a part of our family and our lives. Either way, you have filled up our lives in ways I have only ever dreamed of, and although it's only been a week, I can only barely remember life without you in it.
I love you, Eliana, my precious daughter. I love that you have made Chad a daddy, me a mommy and us a family. This past week I have been so thrilled by every cry, sneeze, whimper, late night feeding and early morning diaper change. I hope you have enjoyed your first week of life because for me it has been nothing short of perfection.