Friday, August 20, 2010

Hard to Believe

I suppose it's official, I'm pregnant. So why can't I get my brain to believe it yet? My body certainly believes it with constant waves of fatigue and nausea, making it difficult to accomplish an entire day's worth of "to-do's". But I still can't seem to accept it. Every time I feel queasy my first thought is "YAY! Nausea reduces likelihood of miscarriage, this is great!" My next thought though is always along the lines of what I ate recently and whether my green face was actually caused by that or worse, completely imagined. Same with the exhaustion. I first think about how great it is that Snow Pea is making me so tired with all that growing going on, but then I re-think and wonder if I am just staying up too late. I know this is ridiculous. I am genuinely nauseous nearly everyday, and I can easily sleep 10 hours each night and still take a 2 hour nap every day. This is really happening. I am just stuck in the "too good to be true" mindset.

Well that's not entirely true. I have had flashes of acceptance and mind blowing reality checks. There's been moments when I have seen a glimpse of the magnitude of this huge reality and been completely dumbfounded at the realization that I will be a mom, I will be completely responsible for a living human being, a human being that is currently growing inside my body! It is a lot to fully comprehend, kind of like understanding how vast the universe really is. You think you understand until you really stop and think about it and then it dawns on you that this is something so much bigger than you or anything that has ever happened in your life.

Of course these moments can't last forever and I have found myself back in the realm of wondering if all this bigger than me, amazingness is going to be pulled out from under me again. Anyone who follows me on twitter knows I had a bit of a freak out when my nausea went away for a few days before my last ultrasound. (thank you again by the way for all the words of comfort during my craziness) I know morning sickness is one of the hardest things to deal with for most pregnant women and I know I am naive to think I won't be hating it after another month of daily queasiness, but right now it has become a mental security blanket. I had so many other symptoms the last time around and they felt like such a slap in the face after I learned the pregnancy wasn't viable. So now I am carrying around the nausea and the old wives tale about lower miscarriage risks, like a soft cozy teddy bear. If I even for a second think that I wish my tummy felt better, I remember that it means my Snow Pea is healthy and smile instead.

Besides the obvious mental protection I'm doing by not fully believing this is real, I think some of my difficulty with accepting it all is normal. I've spoken to moms who had no trouble conceiving (may they know how blessed they are) and they say it didn't feel really real until they were showing or felt kicks or experienced some other big moment. And other than immediate family, very select friends and of course anyone who follows me on my blog or twitter, no one knows about Snow Pea so that makes it seem more surreal too. I think that once I reach some of these milestones I will be able to believe it more, but I also have a feeling I will still have those "Wow this is too huge to wrap my head around" moments too. Because wow this is huge! I just hope I am as ready to be a mom as I always thought I was.

17 comments:

Chasing a Miracle said...

To be honest, you will never really 'belive it'...
I thought when i got to twelve weeks - i would believe it, but as i saw the scan as i cried, for some reason i still didnt believe it...
At 20 weeks, same thing, and to be truthful...
I still dont believe it!
I wake up in the middle of the night when all is still feel my belly, and say 'is this really happening?'
For some reason, through all that i have been through, through everything, through scans, doctors appointments, hospital stays... i dunno - i still dont believe it...
And maybe it is a coping mechanism (or whatever they call that) maybe it is me being silly, but honestly i dont think it will be truly and fully real until next wednesday when i am holding my george in my arms...
Bless you and Snow Pea, and as always you will be in my prayers until the day you are holding your miracle - and beyond...
Lots and lots and lots of love
me....
xoxox

Lindsey said...

It's been almost 21 months since my daughter was born... and I STILL don't believe it sometimes. Some times I hold her (when she'll let me) and just tell her "I can't believe that you're mine." I think as parents we will ALWAYS have those moments:-)

Pregnant Yuppy said...

I'm nearly 23 weeks now & I still don't believe it. We still have only bought a couple of sleepers. I think we're both to scared to jinx it. It does get better though, trust me.

Miracle in the Making said...

I think you never full believe it...I always say I won't fully believe it until I feel kicks and tons of movement, but in reality I'm sure it won't feel real until I'm actually in labor lol. I am always scared that this is just pretend, like there's no way this could be happening to ME! I guess it's comforting to know we all feel this way and none of us are crazy. xoxo

Waiting Lisa said...

You are going to be an amazing mom! <3

Tiffany said...

It is so exciting. Believe it. Your a Mommy!

Dr. Edward Ramirez, MD, FACOG said...

Happy to hear the news about your singleton! Good for you for not giving up and for keeping positive. You have a great blog & are an inspiration to many. I will repost on my FB page the good news!Take care & happy pregnancy.
EJR, MD

Katie said...

It's going to take time, Holly. I can't blame you for going back and forth with your feelings and emotions. But yes, you ARE pregnant. And I can't think of many people who deserve this blessing as much as you do. I am so happy for you and here for you every step of the way!

xo

Gabbina said...

So exciting you're going to be a mum!!

- ICLW friend.

Tina said...

congratulations!!! i'm 26 weeks along and i STILL can't believe it, even though i can feel my little guy kicking me all the time. :) praying for a smooth pregnancy!

happy iclw!
tina
#172

Kristin said...

Congratulations Holly. Pregnancy after a loss is even more surreal that just being pregnant. I've done it both ways and, truthfully, when I was pregnant after IF/repeat pregnancy loss, I didn't believe I was going to get a real, live take-home baby until I heard him cry.

When you do reach the stage of wanting to control the nausea, try starlight mints. They were my lifesaver.

Suzy said...

Congratulations on your little snow pea! I know what you mean, my brain wont admit that I am "the P word" yet either! I'm not sure when I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief, I think once you've experienced loss, it gets harder to admit it in case something goes wrong. But we out here in blogworld are all thrilled for you!

Just me said...

Congrats on your pregnancy! It must have helped a bit to get past that 7w mark after your loss.

I worry that when I finally get and STAY pregnant, I will not stop worrying through my entire pregnancy. I just know too much now. :(

Hope all continues to go well!

ICLW

theworms said...

Congrats!! I don't think the worry ever stops. Just try to enjoy every moment and I hope your little one continues to grow and thrive.

ICLW

Whitney said...

I think Lindsey is right, you'll always have those moments, even if they get fewer and far in-between. Wishing you all the best!~

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Congrats! I remember stopping by your blog on another ICLW after you had a loss and it makes very hopeful that you are now pg! I am glad to hear some one else has these questions about "believing it" as I can complete relate to what you are saying and I am not even there yet. I was worried it was a bad thing!
-Jess (#74) ICLW

Di said...

Congrats on your pregnancy. I am 17 weeks now and there are still times I don't believe it. Every u/s I face with excitement and fear.