Friday, March 18, 2011

On This Day...

There are a lot of dates happening right now that I can't help but remember and reflect on their significance. Some of them happy, some sad, and some a strange mix of the two.

One year ago today, I was pregnant. Or if you want to look at it in the terms of the TTC community, I was technically PUPO, pregnant until proven otherwise. My first IVF transfer was exactly one year ago yesterday and one year ago today, Chad and I were a bundle of excitement, anxiety and nerves hoping that the transfer would be a successful one. I remember absolutely everything about how I felt that day. It was even more special and memorable because it was not only the day my little blasties would either implant or not, it was also our 3 year wedding anniversary. We couldn't help but smile nervously with the hope that our baby might be snuggling in on the anniversary of the best day of both our lives.


And less than two weeks later we learned that our Sprout had in fact snuggled in, but sadly didn't continue to grow much longer than that, and by the time April came, instead of being happy and hopeful, we were sad and heartbroken. Which means that many memorable dates of the unhappy kind are ahead of us. And that in itself creates a crazy swirl of emotions inside me. My miscarriage is still the absolute hardest and worst thing I have ever had to experience. And there are still places and things from that time period I can't visit or see without crying. I will always mourn that loss, but I also recognize that I wouldn't be pregnant with this baby, with my Snow Pea, and I love her with all that I am. It is very conflicting to still miss Sprout but to not be able to even think of life without Snow Pea. With her due date fast approaching, I can't help but see the connections and feel the confliction. I didn't even realize until recently that my daughter would be born one year after the same time period as the worst moments of my life. It makes me wonder if her being born at the same time was somehow deliberate, meant to bring us healing and love during a time that we'd otherwise remember as painful.

There are other important anniversaries of our journey to parenthood happening around now. Last year on March 12th, I went in for my egg retrieval where my RE collected 21 eggs, 15 of which fertilized and one of which is now the daughter I have reached a full term pregnancy with. It is crazy to think that my unborn child was conceived over a year ago! And even crazier to think that her future sibling(s) were too! Of course, Sprout was conceived that day as well, so it is a bit bittersweet to think about that day but for the most part it is memory filled with hope and awe at what it has resulted in.

You may have picked up on my mention that one year ago today, I was not only PUPO, but also that it was our 3 year wedding anniversary, which means today is 4 years. And I have to say just how wonderful it is to be celebrating another year of marriage to my partner in life and my best friend. The years we spent facing infertility, the rounds of treatment and the loss of my first pregnancy all roll together into what is hands down the hardest battle either of us have ever dealt with, but having done it together has made us a stronger couple than I ever imagined possible. I knew I was making the best decision of my life the day I literally exclaimed "I Do!" but I didn't know just how right I really was. As memorable as these other dates are and always will be, none of them are as important as March 18, 2007, which was quite literally the best day of my life and the day my family truly began.

5 comments:

Jody said...

Happy Anniversary!!

sunnymama said...

Congratulations on your special anniversary! :)

missohkay said...

Aww, happy tears for you. You're honoring the memory of Sprout even though Snow Pea would have overlapped. Mine all overlapped too, but the love is the same. I'm so thrilled that you're full term!

Brave IVF Girl said...

I also have vivid memories of this time last year. I had just joined twitter, and you were one of my first followers as we realized we were only days apart from each other on our first IVFs. (And my anniversary is only a week or so before yours -- so many random things in common...)

I'm so glad you're about to meet Snow Pea! Happy anniversary!

AL said...

Happy 4th anniversary!

January was really difficult for me for the same reason, and now that we're approaching April and May, all those feelings from the ectopic pregnancy bubble up to the surface. It's hard.

Can't wait for you to meet snow pea!