Weighty Realizations

Today is results day. My one hour glucose tolerance test for gestational diabetes test was last week and this morning I went in for my bi monthly OB appointment, knowing that I would also be getting back the results of that test. I, of course, like anyone else, hoped that I would pass so that I could avoid the longer, more involved 3 hour glucose tolerance test and strict gestational diabetes diet. I felt pretty optimistic this morning that I would get good news though, and enjoyed my drive to the office as I stared in the rearview mirror at the gorgeous snow covered mountains behind me. Now that I have been to my appointment, I have good news and bad news.

Throughout my pregnancy, it has been important to me to keep my weight gain within the recommended limits. I haven't been counting calories or obsessing over what to eat, but I have been mindful of it, and also been staying active with daily walks (usually twice daily if my schedule allows it). I have a had a few tiny jumps in weight gain, and although my numbers have been higher than I expected at some OB visits, I have always stayed within the range. After my last OB visit, I resolved to be easier on myself mentally and not worry about whether my weight gain was a pound or two higher than expected since, while occasionally on the high end, I have still consistently stayed in the healthy range.

I haven't gotten much bigger since my last appointment and I've been told by a few friends that I still don't even look pregnant except for my round belly. I am still able to cross my legs, move around easily and even wear some pre-pregnancy clothes (including at least one pair of pants!) With this appointment being right after the holidays, I fully expected my number on the scale to be a bit higher than what is expected in a two week period. But having this in mind, I was prepared and I felt good. I was not, however, at all prepared for what actually happened this morning. I stepped on the scale totally ready for a higher than normal 3 pound jump, but instead I shot up 6! In two weeks! Which puts me over the recommended weight gain for this stage of pregnancy. In fact, after today, I have just about reached my total recommended weight gain for the entire pregnancy, and I still have 12 weeks to go. I did not handle this realization well. At all.

As soon as the nurse left and I had time to process what the scale had said, I got a little teary eyed. Then Chad hugged me and tried to soothe me and I teared a little more. Then I tried to articulate why I was so upset and a full tear made it out and rolled down my cheek. Then the OB came in and asked what was wrong and I lost it. Full on cry fest in the exam room. It was mortifying but I couldn't make it stop. I told her my concerns and after looking at my chart, she agreed that, yes I was gaining too much. Well, that didn't help the sobbing. She kept saying it would be ok and that I'd just have to eat well and exercise from here on. Which pissed me off because I have been doing that! I will admit, I have not eaten nearly as well or exercised as much over the holidays, but I also have not been stuffing my face with fries and milkshakes and I have still gotten a few good walks in.

The whole thing just made me feel so bad about myself. I have worked so incredibly hard to get here and I was already failing as a mother, not taking good enough care of myself or my baby. I just couldn't stop crying. And for some reason, me crying made Dr. Inconsiderate keep talking about it. All I wanted her to do was stop. The more she talked, the more I wanted her to shut up. I kept trying to pull myself together but her chit chat about how it was bad but not that bad and I could turn it around and slow things down and yadda yadda yadda just kept me from being able to take a deep breath and calm down. I know she was trying to help, but really she was making it worse. Finally she left the room to get my glucose test results and I was able to get it together a little bit.

The great news is I passed the glucose test with flying colors. No gestational diabetes for me and no need for the 3 hour test. The bad news is, I am on the carb/sugar restricted diet anyway for my weight gain. The only things I have consistently craved since day one has been cereal and fruit. I am addicted to apples, tangerines, pears and grapefruit as well as just about anything made from grain or rice with milk poured over it. Turns out that my biggest pregnancy cravings, while they haven't been fast food or doughnuts, are still my biggest downfall. These foods are filled with pound packing carbs that apparently are sabotaging my healthy goals. So now I have to give them up. Which really doesn't bother me nearly as much as the risk of hurting mine or Snow Pea's chances at having the rest of this pregnancy and the following labor/delivery being as healthy as possible. But it still kinda sucks.

I am also incredibly embarrassed that my emotions got the better of me while at the OB's office. I keep daydreaming about going back to do this morning's appointment over again, this time without looking at the scale or having the subsequent melt down. I had other things I wanted to talk about and go over but once the weight conversation started, pretty much everything else was out the window. Luckily, when I go back in two weeks I will be seeing Dr. Casual again and I know that his much more laid back and non-intrusive bedside manner will be much easier to deal with so that I can discuss other things and not worry as much about any of this.

I am trying really hard not to beat myself up about this. I have told Chad I will need his help emotionally to get through the hit on my self esteem, and while I know he has no idea what to do or say, he has really been there with kind, encouraging words and a few wonderfully long hugs. For that I am incredibly grateful. I also can't help but feel guilty for being so upset. Last year, I would have killed to have this be my biggest problem and cried that someone else was crying about gaining extra pregnancy weight when all I wanted to was to be pregnant. And when I remember that, it puts everything into perspective a bit. Am I unhappy about the extra weight? Yes. Would I trade this unhappiness for anything else? Hell no. So, I might go over the recommended weight gain. So, I won't win pregnant woman of the year. So what? I have realized a dream I once feared may never happen. I have a healthy baby growing inside me and that is SO much more important than some stupid scale.