Monday, January 7, 2013

Break Dancing Has A Whole New Meaning

You can see the break on the left side of the Xray
I've done it. I have officially missed my first month blogging. I wanted to write, I did. I just didn't. I didn't do much this past month and a half really. Except turn 30 and in the process break my first bone. 

Let me explain. Since I was about 22, I had this crazy idea that when I turned 30 I would throw a outrageous 80s prom. Not a party with an 80s theme, but an actual prom that just so happens to take place in the 1980s. This year was that year, and after nearly a decade of talking and planning, I actually did it. I rented a hall, formed a prom committee to help me plan and decorate, hired a dj and enjoyed a magical night dancing under crepe paper steamers and foil stars. It truly was a fantastic party and everything came together perfectly. The only exception is, it was the one and only night I have ever tried to really dance in heels and now I am paying for it with a broken foot.

I have been completely non-weight bearing and on crutches for 4 weeks now and I have to tell you, it isn't fun. It's so hard not being able to walk down the block or drive myself anywhere or get myself a glass of water. But the truly depressing thing is not being able to take care of my precious Snow Pea. I can't pick her up, or sit on the floor to play with her, or chase her around the house. This is what I do. This is my life. I am a stay at home mom, if I can't care for my daughter what kind of life do I really have? I can't describe how heartbroken I was the first day I was on crutches and Eliana reached out her hand for me to hold as we walked and I had to tell her I couldn't do it. It was one of the most gut-wrenching moments of my life.

I am incredibly lucky to have a husband with a job that he is both good at and trusted to do from home so that he can be here to do all of the heavy lifting while I can't. I am very grateful to him for the insane amount of responsibility he has taken on since I have been forced to spend large parts of my day with my foot elevated. He has worked very hard to keep up with the laundry, the shopping, the cooking, cleaning and taking care of a hyper toddler while still attempting to do his own job and keep a roof over our heads. To say he is doing it all is an understatement. And while I appreciate all of this very much, it is also killing me. Not only does it drive me crazy when he does things in a different way or a different order than I would (and this true of almost everything) but it kills me that he is now the sun and the moon for Eliana, and I am just an orbiting satellite. As the working parent, my husband also gets to more often be the "fun" one, the one that comes home after a day apart and have new energy to play and laugh which leaves me as the at home parent to be the one she runs to most often when she needs something. But now that I can no longer give her the things she is asking for, and I can't play with her in the rough and tumble way a toddler thrives on, I feel more like an accessory than a real parent. 

One thing I have learned in the past 20 months I have been a parent is that time flies and each new stage of her development is only new for a few weeks before the next new stage begins. Being completely unable to stand on my own two feet, I feel like I am missing so much of the fun and joy of this time with her. This is time I will never be able to get back. Once she goes to the next phase, this one will be just a memory and I'm afraid I am only getting to experience it from the fringes. Just this afternoon, it was decided that a trip to the grocery store would be more efficient if I stayed home and kept my foot up so Eliana and Chad are out doing the errands she and I normally do together while I stay here with my laptop. I hate feeling like I am missing out on my daily life but all three of us are learning to cope.

Right before Christmas, we rented a wheelchair so that I could participate in our annual tradition of strolling along  our neighborhood's "Candy Cane Lane" and enjoying the lights. Since I was on wheels, my lap became Eliana's seat and we cuddled together while she pointed out sparkly lights and cutout snowmen. We've also successfully navigated a couple of trips to Disney this way which has been a joy. Eliana and I have even figured out a way to hold hands while I'm on crutches by me extending my index finger for her to grip on to. It's not perfect but it has definitely made me appreciate these little moments. I'm not sure how I feel about my daughter being the only kid her age that knows how to say "crutches" or that anytime she hears someone say "ouch" she responds with "foot! Mommy's foot!" but I do love that she came to me the other day and gently patted my broken foot and gave it an "all better" kiss. I'm so worried about missing time with her and sweet girl that she is, she's just concerned about me feeling all better. 

I think the greatest benefit I've gotten from breaking my foot, is my new found appreciation for having complete mobility. I never realized just how much I took it for granted, how much we all do, until I lost some of it. I am definitely counting myself lucky that my condition is a temporary one. I still have a hard time being forced to take a back seat in my own life. I actually look forward to the day I can carry laundry up and down the stairs or go to the grocery store and buy ingredients for the week's meals. I especially look forward to the day I can run, jump, play and dance with my precious little girl again. Until then, I am doing my best to cherish the quiet moments- cuddling her on my lap as I read a book, having her bring me cup after cup of pretend tea and singing her favorite songs with her as she shows off her dance moves. I just hope she's a little less clumsy than her mother and that her dance moves never have the same results mine did. ;)


Julie said...

I have bad wrists and one of them has been flaring up lately, making it tricky (but not impossible) to carry my girls comfortably. I can't IMAGINE not being able to walk and swinging this SAHM gig! Here's hoping you heal up quickly. <3

Katie said...

I'm so sorry about the foot. (At least you did it having a great time? Right?) But seriously, I hope it heals soon. Definitely enjoy snuggles with your little one in the meantime, though!

Jaclyn N Lil M said...

oh no :( so sorry about your broken foot! I hope that you heal soon so you can go back to playing with snow pea! HUGE HUGS