I have a confession, maybe it won't be a big revelation for you but for me it's a big thing to admit. I still don't really believe this pregnancy is real. I have seen the ultrasounds, felt the nausea, read the books, peed a million times but I just have a hard time accepting it. And an even harder time telling people about it.
I feel like I am caught in between worlds right now. I spent years trying to get pregnant. I finally succeeded and then lost my first pregnancy. For that reason Chad and I agreed to keep this pregnancy much closer to the vest. Very few people even knew when our FET took place and even fewer knew about our BETA when it happened. I even waited until we had a rise before sharing on twitter or my blog (something that was not easy for me). And now even though I am firmly in my second trimester I still get butterflies every time we tell someone about the pregnancy. I just don't feel completely comfortable in the "pregnant world" and I don't feel as accepted in my comfort zone of the TTC/IF world anymore since I am in fact pregnant.
We have actually been telling more and more people though, and just about everyone among our families and friends now knows that we are expecting. It is always kind of odd to find the right way to bring it up but it always feels great once it's finally out, and the more people that know the more real and exciting everything feels. But I still hold back a lot.
I have yet to post on Facebook. I keep planning to and telling myself, "today, I'll say something" but I never do. Not that Facebook posts are super necessary or anything but there are a few people that I keep in touch with primarily through sites like that, especially since I live 3000 miles from "home". If we still lived in Florida there are old co-workers and other social groups that I undoubtedly would've seen and shared the news with by now, but since we live so far away, the internet has become the primary way for me to keep in touch with them. And I kind feel like a liar as I exchange messages with them about my life without ever sharing the biggest news of my life.
It is very similar to finally posting about our struggle with infertility. I was so nervous about coming out of the closet. Not only because of the reactions and responses I could receive but because once you tell the world something, you can't un-tell them. Once it's out there, it's out there. I've also been afraid of history repeating and watching things go terribly wrong once I decide to share. Not to mention the fear of alienating myself from the IF community or unknowingly hurting someone else that is struggling. A few of my amazing and supportive twitter friends have encouraged me to post and I came so close after their words of encouragement but for some reason, still didn't go through with it....Until today.
As I wrote this post I sorted through a lot of emotional stuff. I love having this blog as a record of my IVF journey, as well as an amazing source of support from the IF community, but more than anything it is for me and has served as an outlet to work out things that I can't always talk about. Just like the journals I kept as a teenager, it has been a way for me to have conversations with myself. And in talking to myself about this I have realized that there is no reason to hold back anymore. So I did it. I bit the bullet and I posted.
Of course, as an infertile I wanted my post to be as sensitive as possible because I have been on the other side as have so many other people that I care about. I also wanted it to be short and sweet and to the point. So both Chad and I posted the same message, "After 3 years of struggle, and loss, and with the help of amazing advances in science, our dreams are finally coming true". I posted this as a "note" so that people could see our most recent ultrasound pic if they chose or avoid it if they prefer. I have now officially told everyone there is to tell. This is really happening. Snow Pea is really here, growing inside me.
Honestly, I know it sounds crazy but finally coming clean online like that is almost a milestone in itself on this journey toward parenthood. I know for many that might not be the case, but after years of struggle and ongoing venting with others about the heartache of facebook announcements, this almost feels like the final frontier in sharing the news. And I have to say I am glad that I did it. Not for anyone else but for me. It feels good to be proud and happy about Snow Pea and to share that joy out loud.