Ready To Be A Mom

The Write Stuff?

2012-01-29T22:50:00.000-08:00

I never know how to start new blog posts. Why is it that those first few sentences of anything you're writing are always the hardest to get out? You usually know what you want to say, what point you want to make, what emotions you hope to convey, but getting them started is always the tricky part, at least for me anyway.

Tonight, what I am trying to get out on my blog is that I need help, input actually. Recently I learned about an essay contest sponsored by Ferring Fertility, a company that manufactures a few of the medications commonly used in IVF treatments. Two of which were used in my IVF protocol, the treatment that ultimately made my dream of motherhood a reality. Which qualifies me to enter an essay about my experiences for a chance to win $10,000 in educational funds for Snow Pea's future education. I am so excited about the opportunity! Especially since any college fund we could have had for her was spent on the treatments to get her here before she was even conceived.But first I have to actually write the essay. Which is where the help and input I need from you comes in.

I had a hard enough time starting this blog post. Now trying to begin an essay on the topic "If I Knew Then What I Know Now" I feel much the way I do starting a new blog entry. I know I have a plenty to offer on the topic, I just don't know where to start. I have been browsing through my old blog posts tonight, knowing that the key most likely lies in the moments as I lived them, but it is also hard to separate myself and I find myself reliving those moments, crying as I re-read and re-experience each emotion. So I wanted to ask those of you who have been reading or have just read a post here and there even, are there any that have stuck out? Anything that I have written throughout this journey that struck a chord with you and gave you hope? Or anything that has just fallen flat and left you confused? Please don't hesitate to be honest and give any constructive criticism you may have. I promise to respect and value any true (non-troll) opinion.

Here is the website for the contest if you'd like to learn more about it or even enter yourself, http://www.ferringfertility.com/mylittlemiracle/. And if you do enter let me know, I would love to cheer you on! There are 3 different prizes so there's no reason we can't both win, and even if I am not one of the 3 winners, I am already thrilled for every family that wins this prize because I know that for everyone entering and especially for me, the scholarship money doesn't hold a candle to the true treasure that is our incredibly amazing miracle babies. But that doesn't mean winning wouldn't be great. So with a deadline less than a month away, I really need to get started! Thanks in advance for any help or support you can give!

Wordless Wednesday: Back With A Vengeance

2012-01-25T18:24:00.001-08:00

Postpartum, AF is even more horrendous than before, like it's getting back at me for escaping its evil clutches the past 18 months. Ugh.

Mommy Guilt

2012-01-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

This past weekend we learned that Snow Pea is allergic to eggs. Poor girl loves them, gobbled them up like candy, but before she had finished her meal hives began appearing around her mouth, chin and jawline. So we did what any reasonable parent would do and took them away then immediately called the on-call nurse at our pediatrician's office. She gave us instructions on what to watch for and administering ben.adryl if necessary and reassured that most kids outgrow this type of allergy but that we should stay away from eggs right now. We were nervous, checking on our breathing throughout her entire morning nap, but honestly her reaction was very mild. The bumps were gone no more than 15 minutes after they appeared and she never fussed or whined to indicate that they were bothering her in any way.

I have still had the incident on my mind though and wanted to follow up with her actual pediatrician to discuss what to expect, what to stay away from and whether we should think about allergy testing. The doctor was nice, helpful and informative and she made me feel guilty as hell. She said that her office doesn't recommend eggs at all for babies under a year, and that introducing them before a year can actually cause the allergy. She also said that this allergy can be very serious and may lead other even more dangerous allergies like peanuts and that she could be allergic for life due to early exposure. So what I heard was "your daughter is allergic to eggs and it might be very dangerous and she'll have to live with it forever and it's ALL YOUR FAULT."

I got off the phone and just felt so terrible. Like I had screwed up, made a huge mistake and jeopardized her health for life. This perfect little girl trusts me every second of every day to take care of her. To change her if she's wet, to keep her from getting hurt, to feed her when she's hungry. And in doing those things for her there are so many decisions to be made: Do I use cloth diapers or disposables? Do I rush in the second she cries or let her try to soothe herself? Should I give her a dose of ty.lenol when she's teething or stay clear of medications? What foods should I give her for lunch today? All of these little moments seem to have a huge weight behind them. And when things go well, when I choose to let her self soothe and she's asleep again in less than 5 minutes, I feel good about the choices I'm making. But when they go wrong or worse, when someone puts their opinion into the mix, that's when the mommy guilt sets in.

I can't help it sometimes. I know I'm doing my best. I know that I love my daughter more than anything and that I am being proactive about raising her but the damn guilt is always just around the corner waiting to get me. When the egg incident first happened, I felt a twinge of guilt but I reminded myself that she was fine and that now we know and prevent anything worse from occurring. But talking to the doctor poked a hole into my mommy confidence. I can still hear her saying "well we don't recommend that at all, but what's done is done". That phrase took from feeling like an involved parent looking out for my child's best interest, to a heap of guilty feelings. I felt like I had made the worst kind of mistake. I felt that when it came to caring for my child's health, I had failed.

I've since talked myself off the edge of the guilt ledge, thanks to a lot of love and support from my husband and my lovely twitter family, but I can't say I won't blame myself if it turns out she does have a lifelong food allergy. And I have to say I kind of resent the world for creating that thought in my head. Of course I know that as her parent, I have more influence on her life than just about anyone else, but I am not the only influence. There are so many variables in the universe that I have zero control over and her immune system is one of them. But somehow everything we do or don't do as parents is blamed for everything that happens to a child. If something is wrong with your baby, the first thing people jump to is what you did to cause it. Your child has reflux? You must be feeding them the wrong thing or not burping them well. Your child has colic? You must be overstimulating or understimulating them to make them cry so much. Your baby still doesn't sleep through the night? You must be spoiling them or not spoiling them enough. It's enough to drive anyone crazy!

So my kid is allergic to eggs. Did I really cause it? Do I really have that much power and influence over her body? Maybe. But do I have to feel guilty about it? Do I have to writhe in sadness, thinking I've destroyed my child's life? No. I need to let myself off the hook a little. I need to remember that no matter how hard I try, I will make mistakes. I don't have to be a perfect parent because there is no such thing. And more than that, there is no definition of a perfect parent. For every "proven" opinion out there there is one in direct opposition with the same amount of research behind it. I've heard from countless people in the past few days telling me that their pediatricians recommended starting eggs and even peanuts before a year instead of after. So who's right? I'll probably never know. But what I do know is this: I am a good mom, this probably won't be my last case of mommy guilt and it might be time to find a new pediatrician.

Just The Beginning

2012-01-11T20:04:00.000-08:00

Happy 2012! I can't believe it's a new year already, and not only that but almost 2 weeks into the year! Just a couple of days ago, Snow Pea reached 9 months. And what a month full of excitement this past one was! She got her first two teeth and while I am sad to say goodbye to her gummy, toothless smile, I love the joy on her face as she munches on new finger foods. She learned to play "So Big!" and will frequently start raising her arms and giggling, patiently waiting for me to fill in the words. She also started blowing kisses and loves the sound of her own voice saying "muah, muah, muah". As for me, I am cherishing every single second and marveling that she has already been out almost as long as she was in. The 9 months of pregnancy feel more and more like a dream that I only believe happened sometimes because I have the pictures and the baby that were created in those 41 weeks. These past 9 months raising Snow Pea on the other hand, feel simultaneously as if they've flown by and as if they have no beginning, like life without her never really existed in the first place.

On the night before she officially turned 9 months, I was thinking about these things, about how much she has grown and changed in this time and about how much I grew and changed during the 9 months before she was born. And then I thought about the 3 years before that, the three years full of hurt and tears, charts and pee sticks, wands and needles, pain and hope. And in that moment a huge realization crashed over me: Snow Pea was about to be 9 months old and soon she will have been alive longer than she was growing in my tummy. But even bigger than that, one day, not today but one day God willing, she will be alive longer than the time we spent getting her here. One day I will be a mother for more time than I spent trying to be one. Even typing it now blows me away.

For some, this may not seem terribly exciting or emotional or noteworthy, but for me it's all of those things. It's the realization that while I will always be infertile and will never have a child without either the assistance of a medical team or the process of an adoption, I have nonetheless survived infertility. It's the realization that although the struggle of infertility nearly consumed three years of my life and has left wounds that will never fully heal, scars that will never disappear, my life is now consumed instead by my amazing daughter and one day soon that time will far surpass the time that came before it. Despite the pain that felt like it might strangle me at times, despite the moments that shook my hope & faith, despite the things I lost and will never get back, I survived. And although I am not exactly the same person I was before going in, I am happy with who I have become. Those three years are some of the biggest in my life and they will forever have an effect on me, but now I have also experienced 9 months of motherhood that have already changed me and effected even more.

Worldless Wedneday: Holiday Sweetness

2011-12-21T14:58:00.000-08:00

8 Month Attitude

2011-12-15T20:46:00.000-08:00

December 15 and my 1st post all month? Not to mention 6 days after the actual event I am blogging about. Wow, I think this is my worst case of blog procrastination yet! In my defense though I also haven't been brushing my hair or wearing make-up quite as often these days. You see I am now the mother of an 8 month old. And what I didn't fully realize, is that a baby this age is almost nothing like the one that came before it.

When you're embarking on parenthood you brace yourself for all the typical new baby stuff everyone is obsessed with warning you about: sleepless nights, spit up, colic, and I felt ready. I knew what to expect and I lucked out with a baby that slept relatively well, didn't scream or cry too often and virtually never regurgitated her meals. And as she grew she just got more fun, more sweet. My absolute favorite thing in the world has been her covering my cheek in slobbery kisses right before she goes to bed and sleeps for an uninterrupted 12 hours. Or at least it used to be. Because that is not my baby anymore. Now she has attitude, and plenty of it!

I have always been a teeny bit anxious about what parenting will be like as my kids grow up. There are so many obstacles to face and guide them through. Raising kids isn't easy and there are bound to be moments when my kids don't like me, when they don't want to give me a kiss goodbye or eat the dinner I spent all night making them. I knew it would come one day but I had years until I really had to worry about that, right? WRONG. The only thing my once sweet, happy baby seems to have done for the past week is whine, scream and yell.

Now that she is 8 months old and more aware of the world around and all that it has to offer, she is constantly bored. The things that used to make her laugh for an hour, are now old news after 2 minutes. I used to get a ok amount of items crossed off my to-do list each day, but now I feel like a circus performer frantically attempting to entertain my daughter before she has yet another nuclear meltdown. And boredom isn't the only thing that invokes her wrath. If she's hungry, she will yell and whine until food is produced and if it's not food she likes, she doesn't stop at spitting it out, she screams and blows 'raspberries', spraying the broccoli and carrots I spent an afternoon steaming and pureeing for her all over my face. She does have exceptionally good fine motor skills which she has further honed by eating cheerios, picking them up one at a time with her fingers. But you can't give her one unless you're prepared to give her an entire box, because if they're gone, it's DEFCON 1 and screams are imminent.

And it's not just daytime that's reserved for hysterical screaming. Oh no, now 2am has become a popular time for all-out, scream at the top you lungs cry-fests. The night before last our entire household probably slept 3 hours in between all the tears. I got better night's sleep when she was just a few weeks old and waking to nurse all night. At least then she could eat and drift back off for another solid 3 hours until it was time to eat again. She hasn't been nursing in the middle of the night for a while now, but it's not surprising that she's suddenly waking up hungry again, considering she sprays more of her dinner on to my shirt than ever makes it into her mouth the past few days.

Before you ask, yes we have thought about teething. We're keeping an eye on her gums and I think that it does have some part to play since she has yet to sprout any teeth, but it doesn't seem to be the only reason for her personality changes. Some of it, I think, is just her growing up. And that is so much more difficult for me than being able to blame it on teeth. I'm just not ready for this! She gets annoyed at me now. My sweet, easygoing baby gets mad and whines if she doesn't get her way. And most heartbreaking of all, she stopped giving me kisses. She used to get so excited to plant her mouth on my cheek, she'd smile and giggle and reach for my face over and over again. Now she not only refuses to give me even a single non-smiley kiss, she shrieks and turns her head if my face gets too near hers. It's killing me! I thought this wasn't supposed to happen until they were older and didn't want to look un-cool in front of their friends. It takes all of my strength not to take it personally and cry when I ask for a kiss and she growls and pushes me away. I know it's part of her development and that these things will ebb and flow, but still, it stings.

To be fair, attitude, opinions and independence aren't the only milestones she's achieving at 8 months. She has also mastered the art of clapping! When she started waving just before turning 7 months, I predicted that clapping would soon follow and sure enough it did! Her first real clap was during the 20 minute snippet of The Muppet Movie she saw with us. She was absolutely enthralled by it dancing and bouncing in my lap and then all of the sudden clapping out loud to express her joy. Now she does it to show her appreciation for good book, a nice rendition of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" or the hilarity that is Mommy putting anything on her head that shouldn't be there (Silly Mommy! Blocks don't go on your head but I applaud the effort you're making to keep me entertained.) It isn't kisses but it is incredibly cute and I have to admit love the sound of her tiny hands smacking together. It is one of my greatest joys lately.

And speaking of greatest joys, even at her whiniest, Eliana is still mine. Earlier this week, Chad and I were out to dinner with his colleagues. They were nice enough to move the reservation early in the evening so that we could bring the baby before her bedtime. Eating out with an 8 month old is no easy feat. As we took her turns trying to feed her, change her diaper in tiny bathroom stalls and digging through her diaper bag for any object that might somehow appease her for more than a second, I thought to myself how much easier this dinner would be if it were just me and Chad and how happier I am eating cold food so that I can take care of my amazing daughter than I ever could have dreamed. Yes, I get annoyed at her screams but my very next thought is always how incredibly grateful I am to be hearing them. After years of hearing people complain about their cranky babies and thinking to myself how incredibly thrilled I'd be to have a cranky baby of my own, I'm lucky enough to finally be proving myself right. I seriously love her more than I could ever express. And it doesn't make sense considering everything I just said but I love her crankiness too. I love that it gives me an opportunity to get to know new parts of her personality, I love that mid-cry, I can still trick her into a smile if I time my peekaboo just right. At least once a day I get overwhelmed with love and have to scoop her up and smother her in hugs and cuddles, telling I love her over and over again and lately it's when she's in a whiny mood that my love comes gushing out. She doesn't want to kiss me, that's ok. It breaks my heart a little but it's ok, because she can't stop me from kissing her double to make up for it!

Holiday Hopes

2011-11-29T21:44:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is officially upon us and with it comes so many memories & emotions. I get a catch in my throat and a tear in my eye every time I think ahead to upcoming holiday traditions and realize that my daughter is here to experience it all with me. I also get a pang when I remember the holiday seasons before this one. It wasn't long ago that I was in tears all season long as I furiously flipped channels away from commercials for baby's first Christmas ornament and tried to avoid the line of eager little ones waiting to see Santa. So recently, I spent my Christmas crying into my husband's shoulder as we mourned together a "gift" worse than coal when my BFN was confirmed and AF arrived. I will always remember the deep longing I felt this time of year and the sheer pain of feeling like the only woman in the world that wasn't a mother during what was for everyone was "the most wonderful time of the year".

Even now as we trimmed our tree earlier tonight, I could feel the echo of those familiar emotions with each ornament we hung from that time in our lives. It is incredible how much emotion can be tied to an object, where just seeing it can make you feel exactly as you did when it made whatever 1st impression it had on you. When I pulled out last year's ornament, tears instantly welled in my eyes as I remembered how much hope and happiness came when we knew Snow Pea was on her way. And now this year, she is here and I can't wait to find the perfect ornament to commemorate that and how beyond overjoyed we are. Along with this there are so many holiday firsts I can't to witness and experience along with my daughter. High on the list is her first visit to Santa.

I have always been a big fan of Santa. I am a believer. I never worried if the mall Santa's beard was fake because he was just a helper anyway. When all of the other kids in school outgrew him, I felt sorry for them because I knew that since they didn't believe, he wouldn't come to their house and I defended my conviction even when I was the only one left in my class that believed. I waited up every Christmas Eve, heard hooves on my roof and saw glowing red noses in my windows. Christmas was pure magic for me and when I finally reached the point when the real world started to dampen some of the magic I felt lost. I cried to my mom that the magic of Christmas, of childhood was gone and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be Peter Pan and never grow up, but time marched on and I was growing up anyway. She comforted me and told me her biggest secret. She had never wanted to grow up either but she had to, just like I did. The secret is to hold on to as much magic as possible and it will come back even stronger when you can live it all again through your children's eyes. And I could see in her eyes just how amazing it had been for her to see me and my sister giggle excitedly as we checked for our rewards from the tooth fairy, hunt for treasures from the Easter Bunny and stare in awe at the man in the red suit. That was the moment I knew for sure that more than anything in the world I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to give to my children what my mother had given me- the magic of childhood.

And now here it is. My child is here, and although she is too young to truly understand, I am convinced she already has a sense of that magical spirit I have always carried, and just like her mother, she is already a fan of Santa Claus. This past Thanksgiving morning we had a normal morning routine of breakfast, playtime and nap only this time we had the parade on in the background. she watched a few seconds here and there but mostly kept herself entertained with other things. Until Santa came on. As soon his his float came into view, Eliana stopped what she was doing and looked up intently and his jolly face came on screen she started giggling and waving to him! And she went right back to her book when the parade ended and Santa was gone. It was only him she was interested in. I have to admit I got a bit teary-eyed and excited when I saw her reaction. We haven't taken her to see Santa in person yet, so I am hoping she loves that experience as much as she liked seeing him on TV.

But even if she doesn't love meeting Santa as much as I did as a child, this Christmas is already the most miraculous and magical one I could have ever imagined because I have the most precious treasure of my life in my arms to enjoy it with. I will never forget how heartbreaking my childless holidays were and I will be holding all those still hoping and struggling this holiday season close to my heart. I feel so unbelievably blessed to be finally be a mother this Christmas. It is my childhood Christmas wish come true. And if I could ask Santa for any Christmas wish this year it would be to bring this same hope & happiness to all of you.

Waving Hello to 7 Months!

2011-11-14T22:06:00.000-08:00

My Sweet Snow Pea, a few days ago you turned 7 months old and you enthusiastically waved the new month in! This past month you grew and learned so much but by far your most adorable new skill is waving! And it's not just any wave, you slowly roll your wrist side to side like the Queen of England in a parade. It is priceless!

It started while we were in Orlando visiting many of your friends and family, your first trip to Mommy and Daddy's "home". You were so cute waving as you first laid eyes on many special people who had been waiting anxiously to meet you for so long. No wave was more precious though then when you said goodnight to your Great-Grandparents (mommy's Grammy & Grampy) after meeting them. They were so in awe of your chubby cheeks and happy smile and you were equally fascinated by them. You sat in their laps curiously watching their faces and soaking in their voices until your eyes got heavy and as Daddy walked you back to your room, you smiled only for them and waved at them all the way down the hall. It is a moment you may be too young to recall, but it is one I will cherish for many years to come.

It took me a while to figure out where this wave came from. It is after all, a little bit early for you to be doing such a thing and I can't remember many times in your short life that you have had people waving to you. But as we were smiling and waving at the baby in the mirror the next day, it clicked. I taught you to wave! Me! Not intentionally but I taught you just the same. You have a mirrored closet in your room and since you were born, I have held you in front of it at some point in the day and we waved "Hi" to the mirror baby. Like all babies, you have been awed by your reflection but I never realized you were watching me too! Of course, I know you are and that you learn from me and Daddy everyday but this was the first real, big thing that I know for sure that I taught you. It is an incredible feeling to say the least, second to the heart melting feeling of actually watching wave hello to the world.

Your 6th month held lots of other fun milestones. You started really eating solids and wow do you eat! You are definitely not a picky eater and happily gobble up just about any food and any texture Mommy makes for you, which is great since I blend it myself and it's not always super smooth. And you started sitting up unsupported overnight, and now it's like you could always do it. And you have finally decided it is worth the effort to regularly roll over from back to tummy. You could do it earlier, you just didn't seem to want to until now.

But nothing is as amazing as that wave. And the undeniable fact that I taught it to you has a big impact on me. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes I forget that I am your mom. Not that I literally forget and stop acting like your mom- loving you and taking care of you, just that there are moments when I am so busy doing and then I get a moment to let it all hit me and I am overwhelmed by the amazing awareness that I am your mother. I, along with your Daddy, am your number one teacher and influence in life. Every single thing I do matters to you and will influence the person you become. If I teach you to tie your shoes using bunny ears instead of the around the loop method, that's probably how you'll do it your entire life. If I get frustrated or annoyed in traffic you will learn that impatience. If your Daddy and I show our love to you and each other every day, you will develop similar relationships as you grow up. And if I wave hello every time we see a smiling face in the mirror, you will mirror me and wave hello too. As we wave hello to your 7 month milestones, I am also happily waving in the awareness that I am not just a lucky mom with a baby to love, I am also a grateful parent with a child to raise. And you have no idea how just how amazingly, wonderful that is.

We Remember

2011-10-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday, October 15th, was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. A day to raise awareness, to support those who have lost and to honor the lives, however brief, that have touched our souls and left our hearts changed forever. Since becoming involved in the infertility community, I have become close to many families that have had their lives forever changed by these tragedies. I always try to offer support and love in any that I can, knowing that I can't make their world right again and bring their beloved baby back, but I can at the very least honor their child and offer a shoulder to lean on.

One such family suffered an unimaginable loss earlier this year very close to the time I registered for The OC Walk to Remember, a 5k walk to honor and support infant and pregnancy loss. And it was with their precious boy-girl twins in my heart that I registered this year in honor of them, so that their names could be honored.

Last year, having recently suffered a miscarriage myself and wanting to support our neighbors who had lost their 5 month old daughter, I found the walk while searching for events to honor these losses. We walked with our neighbors as well as so many other in the loss community, holding hands and crying along with them. As I walked that day I carried the thought of so many angels in my heart. My Sprout of course, but I also thought of Matthew James, Wyatt River, Logan Ryan and Brody McRae. I greatly appreciated the ceremony at the event in which all of the names of every baby that was being honored was read out loud. Each precious name was given the opportunity to be not only spoken but heard. These names are so powerful, so beautiful, so alive. It often seems that the world has an easy time forgetting that those lost early on in life where never really here, but to those who have had to say goodbye too soon , they will never forget. The names of their children need to be shared, to be acknowledged, to be kept alive.

Such Beautiful Names

While I was thrilled to be honoring precious Bayli & Thomas Jr by having their names read during the ceremony, I knew there were far too many other precious lives that needed to be remembered. Names that needed to be shared. So I came up with the idea for the remembrance shirt that includes the names, legal or not, of those we've lost but will always love. (you can read that blog post here). And Saturday, the whole family wore those names proudly as we walked those symbolic steps. It isn't easy to articulate all of the emotion of that day. I cried, I smiled and I cried some more. It was an an amazing event that I wish there wasn't a reason for, but since there is, I am glad the walk exists.

Dressed and ready to walk for the steps they'll never take

Flowers for Thomas and Bayli

Over 2,000 people registered to walk. It was so moving to see whole families honoring their children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews and siblings. It was also inspiring to see so many families from last year that now had their rainbows in their arms. Us included.

Reaching out to touch Thomas & Bayli's names

Us and our neighbors with our rainbow babies

Rainbow buddies <3

Each name is precious and deserves to be honored.
(Let me know if you'd like your angels name added. I can still edit new versions for next year or if you'd like one for yourself.)

Honoring all those lost during the worldwide Wave of Light.

Some of my biggest tears of the day came right before the Remembrance Ceremony began. Just as Chad, Eliana and I had found our place among the crowd, I received a text from my dear friend Deanna, who had recently become unexpectedly pregnant for after a diagnoses of unexplained infertility and becoming a mother to a beautiful boy earlier this year through IVF. She had just had an ultrasound that morning where she tragically learned that her pregnancy had ended at 9 weeks. Although I sadly knew before the day began that my shirt would one day be outdated if another loss occurred amongst those in my life, I never imagined it would be so soon, on the day of remembrance itself. Heartbreaking is too light a word for it. I am still so devastated for her. Please stop by her blog and give her some love if you can. http://misdconception.blogspot.com/

A Very Merry Half Birthday!

2011-10-12T18:51:00.000-07:00

Half a year old! My Snow Pea has been here half a year already! I can't believe how quickly 6 months has gone but at the same time, when I think about how long 6 months is I can't believe that's all it's been, because it honestly feels like she has always been here.

This past month has been an exciting one. Eliana went on her second plane trip and her first excursion out of the U.S. when we went for a long weekend to Washington State and Vancouver. It was also the first trip that was just the three of us and I gotta say, I could used to that! I don't know how we wound up with such an easy-going baby but she did great!She kept her sleeping and feeding routine while we were on the go and even slept in her car seat so we could go to dinner every night. And of course she was little miss social as usual on the plane, making friends with all of the older couples around us who continually warned that before we knew we'd be on a plane to visit her at college just like them. I promised them and myself that I will never take a single moment for granted because if these 6 months are any indication, I know it's going to fly by.

As easy-going as she was during our travels though, I know it's all going to change the next time around since Snow Pea is now officially eating solids! She had her first ever non-liquid meal about a week before she turned 6 months. I had debated on making my own rice cereals, but in the end opted for store bought brown rice cereal because it is not only convenient, but also iron fortified and I know she needs the extra boost at this age. I have heard that a lot of babies don't care for rice cereal, but not my little one! She scarfed it down while kicking and smiling with excitement.

For most of the month, she had been sitting with us in her highchair during dinner time playing with a cup, spoon and rattle I had given her, so when I introduced a spoon with food on it her first impulse was to grab for it. But once realized it had food on it, she promptly stopped reaching and has since been demanding food anytime she is in her chair by kicking and babbling excitedly. What can I say? My girl loves to eat! After rice cereal, I introduced her to bananas and avocado, both of which I made myself using a cheap food processor I got on clearance for $7. So far I love making her food and can't wait to introduce her to more new things, especially since she enjoys it so much!

With new food though comes new tummy behaviors. At her 6 month check-up she measured 26.5 inches and weighed in at 18 pounds 12 ounces! My doctor had a teeny hint of concern in her voice when comparing this weight to her 4 month weigh in, but since she has always been in the 90-95th percentile she wasn't too concerned. And when I told her that Ellie Belly hadn't emptied her belly in almost a week, she laughed and said she would probably be a bit lighter after she finally pooped! Then of course came the tough part- shots. These were harder on me than the last two times because she was so much more aware of what was happening and it killed me to see her hurting like that. After the first one she calmed down right away when I leaned in to comfort her but then came two more and then it took lots of cuddles to make her feel better. She kept turning to make pouty faces at the nurse, letting her know she wasn't happy with what she had just done to her. It would've made me giggle if I hadn't been so busy kissing her squishy cheeks.

So now that she has passed the 6 month mark, I feel like Eliana is officially over the baby hill. I worked with children for years, and I know from experience that all of the really big changes usually happen in the second half of the first year: teething, talking and mobility! Of course I want her to accomplish these things, but there is something to be said for being able to put her on her play mat to play with out worrying where she'll go if I need to run to the bathroom. As excited as I am for that first tooth, those first words and seeing my baby crawl and toddle, I know that's once it's here I will never get this precious time back, so I am keeping that promise I made on the plane and savoring every single toothless smile and movement- free moment.

Walking The Steps They'll Never Take

2011-10-04T15:06:00.000-07:00

As you may know, October is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month. Having experienced pregnancy loss myself as well as having so many close friends who have also miscarried or lost their little ones, it has become very important to me to honor those precious lives. Last year, we began the tradition of participating in the OC Walk to Remember, a 5k walk to take the steps our babies never got to take. We walked for Sprout and for every other Angel baby. We really wanted to support other parents who had suffered a loss, including our neighbors, who you may remember lost their 5 month old daughter to a congenital heart defect last year. It is a special event to walk side by side with these families and honor their children.

This year, I am saddened over even more heartbreaking losses within our community. I have been in tears so many times this year, hurting for those who have had to say goodbye far too soon. Having Snow Pea home with me, happy and healthy, has made me more grateful and happy than I ever could have dreamed, but it also makes me more aware of just how incredibly painful the loss of her from my life would truly be. This year, as I registered again for the walk I remembered our Sprout & how much that loss hurt, but I registered to walk in honor of two very special little ones, Bayli and Thomas Jr. Their names, along with their sisters'- Ayla & Juliet, will be displayed and read aloud during the flower ceremony preceding the walk. If you aren't familiar with these names, or their mother, Lis, you can find her blog here

Since I first registered for the walk I have had so many other precious lives on their loving parents on my mind and in my heart. I registered in honor of 4 amazing babies gone too soon, so that their names would be spoken aloud and seen and remembered, but there are so many other precious names that deserve to be honored as well. I have said it a million times but I will always say it again, the "virtual" community I have become a part of is so incredible, loving and real. I have not met most of the parents whose children's names I will be wearing in the real world, I don't even know some of those parent's real names, but I still feel a strong connection to each of them and a deep hurt for each of their losses. I have shared so much with them, been there through the darkest moments of their lives as best as I could, just as they have done for me. So I have designed a shirt to wear during the walk that has not only their names displayed but the names of many other angels that our community will always miss and never forget.

If you would like to see the shirt or order one for yourself, you can find it at my newly update CafePress store "Angels Remembered". A portion of your order will be donated to support groups for grieving parents. It is the same design for both the men's and women's shirts and you can order it in any color or size you wish. I had to quickly create & order to be able to receive it on time for the walk which takes place on October 15th- Worldwide Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, so if your angel's name is missing and you would like to add it, let me know and I will be able to create an edit just for you so that your shirt will have it.

I really wanted to find a way to make the shirts myself to see if I could get them any cheaper and raise money for the cause at the same time, but then I remembered I have pretty mediocre crafting skills and almost zero time (this blog is already days overdue!) Since most of the money for the shirts goes to the printers and not the charity, I have created an additional fund raising page for the OC Walk to Remember that will collect donations in honor of sweet Bayli and Thomas to support grieving families. If you would like to learn more or make a donation you can do so at my site Baby Steps For Bayli & Thomas.

On October 15, I will walk, alongside my husband, daughter and friends to lovingly honor, remember and cherish the memories of each of these precious lives. It is truly an honor for me to be able to celebrate them and although the event itself is only one day, the impact it's had on me will last a lifetime.

Let's Do Lunch

2011-09-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

Eliana's half birthday is fast approaching. In a couple of weeks she will be 6 months old and it will be time for my Snow Pea to begin actually eating peas! That's right it's almost solid food time! I had debated when to start solid foods for a while and after consulting my pediatrician and a few wise mommies, I chose to continue exclusive breastfeeding as long as I could. I have really just gotten the hang of the routine we're in now, so it made sense to keep it going as long as possible before adding a new element. But now that routine is about to change and really I know she's ready. She has been sitting in her high chair with us during dinner and everyday she sits up a bit better and gets a little more interested in watching us eat. Her eyes get so big as she stares at the forks and spoons in our hands and I just know she is going to love experiencing the new tastes and feelings of her first foods.

So with this big event coming up so quickly I have more decisions to make. What should her first food be? The conventional choice seems to be rice cereal, especially for babies that begin foods at 4 months since it is easy on little tummies and virtually no one is allergic to it, but since we are starting a little later we do have the option to start with almost any stage one food. If you have little eaters in your house, what food did you start with? I have some brown rice cereal ready to go and am leaning toward staying with the status quo and starting there, but I am so excited to see how she reacts to carrots and bananas and I get tempted to skip straight ahead to a fruit or veggie.

What food to give her is not the only decision I have been mulling over lately. I have also been contemplating it's preparation, specifically whether to buy or make my own baby food. Having worked with other people's children as a nanny for many years while I was in college, I have plenty of experience with those little jars of strained beans and pureed peaches and I have always just kind of assumed they would line my pantry when it came time for me to feed a child of my own. But now that she is here the idea of smashing her food myself has become really appealing to me. Not only will I know exactly what she is eating and that it is free from any crazy additives, the more I learn about it the more making baby food myself seems easy and fun!

Since I am not really much of a chef and I don't already own one, I ran out and bought a small, cheap food processor so that I'm ready to cream and puree. I don't know how good of a job my clearance appliance will do, but I figure it will give me taste of what it's like and I can always buy a better one later. Even better than buying one though would be winning one! And even better than winning a food processor would be winning an entire baby food system complete with food storage. Lee Ann at "The Life Of Rylie and Bryce Too!" is giving away a Baby Bullet system. I have watched the infomercial a few dozen times as well as some real life youtube demonstrations, and I gotta say, it is a really cool system not to adorable with that baby friendly smiley face on everything. I know I don't need to have an appliance with "baby" in the name, but I would still love to have this one! If you want to learn more about it and the giveaway you can find Lee Ann's post here. Does anyone out there have any experience with the Baby Bullet? What do you think?

So now the countdown is on. I have spoons, bowls & bibs ready to go, baby food recipe websites bookmarked and am on the hunt for freezer trays to store my creations. If you have any advice or words of wisdom for me before we get started, please feel free to share! Any recommendations on processors or storage systems are also very appreciated. And if you know anything about those hand held netting feeders please share that as well. When is a good time to introduce those and what is a good food to use with them? I have always assumed bananas were the best start with those but again, any advice is welcome! I am a little sad that my tiny little baby has grown up so much and will be eating real food soon, it is a big milestone and a big reminder that she won't be a baby forever. But I am also very excited to witness and take part in this exciting new stage. I can't wait to see her face covered in smiles and applesauce.

Cause You've Got Personality

2011-09-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

(Am I the only one singing the song from this post's title?)

It's hard to believe but yet another month since beloved Snow Pea was born has passed and she is now 5 months old! In just a few short weeks she will be half a year old! I can't believe how time has flown!

So much has happened in Eliana's 5th month of life. She traveled on a plane and a boat for the first time, learned to blow raspberries, began babbling in consonant noises, discovered her feet and met lots of new baby friends. She even had her first "date" with fellow miracle baby, Jackson, son of fellow blogger, Amy at Miracle Made. But perhaps the most exciting thing of all of these milestones is simply seeing her personality emerge. With each new event and discovery a little more of who she is comes out and I can't even begin to tell you what an amazing joy that is.

She loves to entertain herself on her play mat- first laying on her tummy and manipulating a toy until she decides she would rather be on her back, which is when she pushes herself over with one arm and continues about what she was doing as if nothing exciting took place. I often try to quietly spy on her while she babbles all of those cute "buh, buh, buh's" to her toy rings and sings little squeals to the giraffe dangling above her head. She will play alone like this for a while, but once she realizes Chad or I are there watching her, she smiles and squeals with delight at our presence. And then once she knows we're there she demands our attention, yelling more directly "hey! come play with me" and rewarding us with tons of giggles when we send a smile or goofy face her way.

And the raspberries! Oh those adorable spitty noises that she loves to make! Se has been fascinated by the motion and sound of them since birth and finally one day she puckered her lips and did it herself! It was so exciting. At first, she just did them while playing. I could actually see the learning process as she attempted them over an over, learning just what she needed to do to make that silly noise. Then she did it for attention and entertainment. She knew we'd oooh and ah so she played with us and we all shared smiles. Now it has become a noise that demands attention and she will often fuss and yell between pttbbbllltthhh's. Which I can't help but smile at even though I know she's frustrated, because not only is it cute it's also really funny.

My favorite thing about watching her personality bloom this past month has been watching her interact with other people. She got to see her Aunt Pammy and Grammy for the first time since was a newborn and meet her Pop-Pop for the first time and it was amazing to watch her smile and giggle and delight at their faces and the new songs, stories and rhymes they shared with her. She also loves to interact with other babies. I know that technically at this age, babies just play "next" to each other, but she really is fascinated with them and anytime one is near she reaches out to touch her new friend and begins babbling to them.

Faces are probably her favorite thing in the world right now. Ever since she could focus on them, she loved to watch faces of people she knew and people she didn't. She stared fascinated at strangers in the store and smiled with her whole body when they made eye contact back. Now that she is gaining motor skills, she has decided that looking isn't enough and she wants to touch the face of every person she interacts with. It's like she wants to figure out how that particular noise or facial expression works as she reaches out to feel her daddy's cheek or another baby's nose, always with a thoughtful smile on her face. She hasn't taken to reaching out to strangers though, she still gives them huge happy smiles, but the touching so far has been reserved for family she has had a chance to warm up to. People that she watches me and Chad interact with before deciding she can trust them as much as we do. Unless of course the strangers are other babies, then all bets are off as she dives right in, determined to see and feel every other little person in her reach.

After 5 months of getting to know this precious little girl, I really feel like this past month has given me such a big glimpse into what her personality will be like in the months and years to come. Watching her learn to hold her head up and roll over in the early months was exciting but now seeing this sweet, happy personality of hers come alive I can imagine even more clearly how incredibly amazing the rest of my life is going to be now that she is in it.

Am I Doing This Right?

2011-09-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

Why is it that I can never stop thinking there is a right and wrong way to do everything? Really when I stop and think about it, there really are very few things in this world that have only one "correct" method but somehow I always find myself worrying that my methods and choices are somehow incorrect. . Two plus two equals four is correct and two plus two equals five is obviously incorrect, math is like that. But just about everything dealing with how to live our lives really doesn't have a right or a wrong, just a my way and your way.

Back when I was TTC naturally the fear I was doing it "wrong" was huge. You start out thinking there is no way you could do this wrong. I mean, you just do, you know "it", and nine months later you become a parent. When that didn't happen I worried about what I was doing wrong. Maybe the days weren't right, or the times of day or the amount or what I was eating. As I fell further down the TTC rabbit hole, I worried that I was charting incorrectly or not interpreting my CM the right way, Then during IVF and FET I obsessed over the "correct" amount of time to be on bed rest and whether to eat pineapple or not.

Pregnancy wasn't too much better when it came to the "Am I doing this wrong?" game. OB or midwife? Birthing Center or hospital? Which one was the "correct" choice. And if that was bad, it is nothing compared to the everyday decisions of parenting and feeling like somehow there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way. I know I shouldn't, but I continually worry I am not doing it right. I love my daughter and I shower with her love every single day and I know that's the most important thing, but when should I be introducing solids? She's 5 months old tomorrow and I have moms insisting to me I should have started a month ago and that she'll be behind and yet others who swear that you have to wait until 6 months. And naps! She naps multiple times a day, sometimes 2, usually 3 and sometimes for 45 mintutes, sometimes 2 hours. She sleeps through the night but sometimes wakes up in the middle to eat and sometimes doesn't. And I keep hearing about what a baby my age should be doing as far as sleep and routine. We have a routine but it's a very flexible one, and sometimes I feel like that in itself is somehow viewed as wrong.

Intellectually, I know that none of that is true. Yes, there are some very basic guidelines about providing for my daughter's needs but so much of what people tout as the "correct" way to do things are really just their opinions. I know this but I still have to stop and remind myself constantly that what we do in our household works for our family and that's what really matters. Yes, Eliana might be taking a 30 minute nap today at 9am and then a hour long nap the next at 9:30. Some nights she wakes me up at 1am to eat, others she sleeps right through. No two days are alike, but that that works for us. If I am happy, Chad is happy and our daughter is healthy and happy, we aren't doing it wrong no matter what the moms on the playground or the parenting magazines say.

It is easy however to fall prey to doubt and fear of getting it wrong when so much is on the line. During TTC and IVF the obvious fear was that if I missed a crucial day of BDing or took myself off of bed rest too soon, I would never become a mom. Now that I finally am one, the fear is that if I go in to comfort my Snow Pea too often when she is going to sleep or start her on rice cereal too early, I will be starting a chain reaction of problems and issues for her as an adult. And of course you can find a scientific study or firsthand experience to back up the claims of every side of an issue. For every mom who swears her baby slept through the night as soon as she started solids, there's another that insists her child became so constipated that he was awake all night crying in discomfort. Just further proving that in so many situations there is no right or wrong, just what works for you and what doesn't.

It isn't even the world around me that tells me I am doing it wrong so much as it is me. I have crazy standards and expectations for myself sometimes, and if you know me, you know I can be insanely hard on myself. I sometimes try so hard to get everything right and beat myself up when I don't, that I can miss seeing how great everything is, in spite of or even because of, its "wrongness". So I plan to keep doing what's working, what makes me and my family happy. Because that in itself means I'm doing something right.

Virtual Hugger

2011-08-19T19:26:00.001-07:00

If you and I have chatted online via blog or twitter, there is a very good chance I have given you virtual hugs, lots of them. I am a BIG hugger in real life and as it turns out, I love to hug online as well. So often, I just want to reach through cyberspace and hug my pals, whether it is to show my support and be there for them when they are down or to celebrate with them when they are happy. I know I say it constantly, but I really do care about the people I have met through this journey. I may not have met many of you in real life, but that doesn't mean my love for you isn't real.

So when Krissi at Stress Free Infertility gave me a "Virtual Hugger Award", I wanted to share the love, just like I do with those great big, squishy cyber-hugs I love so much! I have never been one to track my blog's page views or comments but when I used the widget to find out who my top commenters were, I quickly recognized a list of people who have been so supportive to me and have definitely given me many much appreciated virtual hugs (and even a few real life ones from a couple of commenters!) Thank you all so much for being so supportive throughout my journey. And to those that have only commented once or twice, you too have made a huge difference to me during the moments I needed it, and I thank you so much for that!

Virtual Hugger Award Rules:

Thank the person who gave it to you (and link back)
Give 3 Reasons why you LOVE comments and want them to keep on coming!
Award your top 10 commenters and tell them they won the award! (*Most blogger software has widgets/plugins that can figure out who they are!)

OK! I LOVE comments because they:

Make me smile!
Give me much needed love and support
Help me to meet new friends and their blogs

Here are my top 10 commenters:

Tiffany from PCOS Success!
Katie from From IF to When
Lisa from 3 Cats and A Baby
Ashley from Stealing Baby Kisses
Amy from Miracle Made
Jody from Growing with the Gimlins
Holly from Golly-Holly
T from Inconceivable Journey
Jen from After The Alter
Tillie from A Nuttier Life

Thank you to all my commenters! And keep on spreading the love and hugs!

Looking Both Ways

2011-08-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

4 months! My baby girl is 4 months old today. I know I have said it before but I will say it again, I am just in awe of her very existence and I can't believe how fortunate I am to have her in my life. All day I couldn't help but think about where I was and where she was, one year ago today.

As many of you know, my pregnancy with Snow Pea was the result of a frozen embryo transfer that took place after the miscarriage of my first pregnancy with Sprout from a fresh cycle of IVF. During that pregnancy I rode an emotional roller coaster of beta tests followed by a round of ultrasounds that revealed no heartbeat. It was devastating and heartbreaking. Which is why I didn't exactly shout from the rooftops when I learned I was pregnant the second time. I was hopeful and still very happy of course, but I was also very cautious. In the weeks following my BFP, I went in for the normal beta tests, which were much less rocky and emotional than the previous tests, but still neither Chad or I allowed ourselves to fall in love with this pregnancy as we did with the first one. We didn't coin a nickname or do anything else that make us feel "too attached".

I barely even remember those early days in the pregnancy. I remember the phone call telling me I was pregnant and the initial joy I felt, but all of the betas and phone calls after that have faded. It wasn't until the 1st ultrasound, one year ago today, that my pregnancy really felt real. I remember that day vividly and always will. It was the day we saw our sweet baby's heartbeat for the very first time and we knew she was there, really there, living and growing. It was the day our frozen blastie officially became our "Snow Pea". I will never forget Chad's insistence that he would still feel disconnected from the pregnancy even if the u/s went well and his quick retraction as we held each other in the parking lot crying tears of joy. Of course I could reminiscence all day about the amazing moment I first saw my daughter's flickering heartbeat, but I have more to get to so if you want to read the original post from last year, you can find it here.

Today it has been precisely one year since I saw that gorgeous flicker on the ultrasound screen. On that day she was the size of a lentil bean, barely visible but for the flash of white that was her heartbeat. Now it has been exactly 4 months since she was born and Eliana is far from a lentil bean, weighing in at 15lbs 6oz and measuring 24.75 inches, she's my cuddly baby girl. And size isn't the only growth she's done this month. She has also been mastering her grabbing and holding skills and has gotten very good at picking things up as well as transferring them between hands. She can stay on her tummy much longer now too, holding up her head and chest and has even rolled from tummy to back a few times!

She is discovering new sounds she can make and she likes to make them often. She coos, she squeals, she shrieks and she screams almost only when she is happy but occasionally when she's not. And she laughs! Oh those baby giggles are one of the sweetest sounds I have ever heard, right on par with the sound of her miraculous in utero heartbeat. Chad and I love to make total fools out of ourselves for her amusement with silly faces and goofy noises. We will do just about anything to hear Ellie Bellie's delighted laughter. At four months she is accomplishing so much and is on the brink of so many more new things. Soon she will be eating new foods, babbling new baby noises and as I watch her squirm and inch toward toys while she's on her tummy, I know she will also be moving even more in the month ahead. Today, I can't help but look at back and see how far she has come, from teeny frozen blastie to chubby giggling baby, and I also can't stop from looking forward and excitedly waiting for all of the amazing milestones to come!

Adventures in Babysitting

2011-08-03T22:12:00.000-07:00

This past Saturday was a milestone day for not only Snow Pea, but for Chad and myself as well. After 3 months and 3 weeks of parenthood we left our daughter with someone other than one of us for the very first time. Up until this Saturday, I had had some alone time, as had Chad and we have had family dates, which have been nice. Eliana is an easy going baby for the most part and we have been able to take her with us to visit with friends, enjoy restaurant dinners and even see drive-in movies. But as great as that is (and it really is really great) Chad and I have not really been alone together at all since she was born.

For most first time parents, the first sitter is usually a family member. Grandparents or aunts and uncles are always begging for the chance for some baby alone time and offer to give mom and dad a break in the process. Unfortunately for us though, the closest family members either Chad or I have right now are 1500 miles away and most are even further away, so that hasn't been an option for us. Of course, both sets of parents and all of our siblings have come to visit, but we get such a short amount of time with them and we want to soak up every second we do get.

That's not to say no one wants to spend time with our precious girl for an hour or two, it's just a little harder to leave her for the first time with someone other than those immediate family members. It also doesn't help that the majority of those babysitting offers are for us to bring her to them, which is not only overwhelming for us with having to pack up all her stuff to drop her off, but also for her because she not only has to spend 3 hours with a new person, she is also forced into a whole new environment. I have been really nervous about how the first babysitter experience would affect both Eliana and me so even though I have been dying for some alone time with Chad, I've kept pushing it back.

But this past weekend it was finally time. A co-worker/friend of Chad's has been pleading to be surrogate grandma/babysitter since she found out we were TTC as she knows we don't have family here. She has been a supportive person in our lives and on our journey. As an IF & IVF survivor and an adoptive parent, she has provided us with a lot of guidance and support and is incredibly trustworthy. And now that her two kids are too grown up to be considered children anymore but not grown up enough yet to have their own children, she is dying to spoil our little one. So Saturday night we packed up the diaper bag, rolled up the play mat and headed out the door.

We are both huge Harry Potter fans and have read the books multiple times. The movies aren't quite as big of a deal to either of us but that doesn't mean I didn't want to see the very last one in theaters if I could, and of course I wanted to see it with my favorite fellow fan. We researched the times, mapped out Eliana's routine for the day and made it to D's house just as she was waking up from a nap and in the best possible mood. Once we got there, we got her changed and fed and gave some simple instructions on what to expect over the next 3 hours, then set off for the theater.

My stomach was fluttering with nerves as we walked out. It felt so weird to be in the car without her. You know that feeling when something that should be with you isn't and you feel naked? Well this was like that except I felt more like I was missing an arm. I didn't cry or freak out about leaving her. But I missed her the second we were gone. We both did.

We still enjoyed the movie and our alone time though. We had popcorn, we sat through the previews and the credits (something I always do-yes, I'm odd) we laughed, we held hands, and enjoyed being on a real date. I did make Chad keep his phone out the entire movie and kept insisting he check it every so often, just in case, but no calls ever came and for the most part we relaxed and had fun. I am proud to say we didn't even panic and call as soon as the movie ended. Chad checked in by text then we sat down to talk over a quick dinner and some coffee. It was a lot like our pre-baby date nights. Except that it didn't feel anything like it did pre-baby because although we were having fun, we were both excited to get back to our little girl.

As we walked up to the house we could hear everyone inside chatting happily and we smiled as it seemed that things had gone well. But the instant she saw our faces, Eliana lost it. She was crying hysterically, and it was not a cry we had ever heard before. It was not "I'm hungry" "I'm bored" or her personal favorite "I'm tired". This cry was an emotional one. She missed us. She was sad that we were gone. It broke my heart to hear her sob like that I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her close the whole way home. Of course common sense and car seat laws kept me from doing that, but I sat in the backseat with her the whole ride home as she hugged tightly onto my hand refused to let go, even as she drifted off into a fitful sleep. Once we got her home and into her comfort zone, we could visibly see the relief and contentment on her face as we cuddled her. She relaxed right back into her familiar surroundings and smiled and cooed at us a few times before getting a good night's sleep.

D said Eliana did pretty well while we were gone that night. She played, had a bottle and enjoyed all the attention she was getting, but she did have a hard time napping, I think largely because she was in a new environment. I felt so guilty seeing my poor girl so tired and emotional. So Chad and I have agreed that the next time we have anyone babysit, we will try to have it be at our house, that way even though the faces will be new at least the rest of her world will be the same. And even though I am still a little nervous, we are going for it again this weekend!

Two good friends of ours, a married couple that doesn't have kids yet, offered to come to our place to spend time with Snow Pea while we go out. So thanks to their kindness and generosity, we are trying again, this time to see Bill Cosby perform at the county fair. I am both nervous and excited. Since they are coming here I feel like I will better be able to prepare them and keep Snow Pea in her routine, not to mention I think I will be better able to prepare myself and calm my nerves. And if the nerves do happen to creep in while we're out, hopefully Bill can keep me laughing. Wish us luck!

My Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

2011-07-31T21:34:00.000-07:00

I have about 4 blog drafts on various topics and events sitting waiting to be written and I have every hope that I will actually sit down and write out at least one of them this week, but right now I can't stop staring at my sweet girl. And when I can't stare directly at her, I love to watch the millions of videos we've taken of her so far. Especially this latest one. She is discovering so many new things as she approaches the 4 month mark, the most heart melting of which is documented in this video.

I love watching her drift off into dreamland, and her new thumb discovery is not only cute, it's been a great help in getting her to sleep. She still wants her pacifier most nights when we lay her down, but now when it falls out she has discovered that her thumb makes a great substitute. That it's absolutely adorable entertainment for me is just a bonus. Every time I watch her sleep I can't help but wonder about the dreams that are filling her head. Whatever they are, I hope they are nothing but sweet.

Seeing the Signs

2011-07-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how much my little Snow Pea is changing every day! She is developing new skills and I am seeing lots of signs. Specifically, signs that's it's time to start baby signs! Eliana is getting more and more aware of the world around her and is also becoming more vocal about it. She "talks" to everything she sees: me, Daddy, her mobile, her play mat and even her changing table. With this new found awareness of the world, she has also become even more aware of her hands and is constantly watching them and moving them to see just how much they're capable of. Her favorite thing is, of course, grabbing rattles and rings that hang in front of her or grasping onto her blankets and bibs promptly pulling everything into her mouth. But sometimes she simply twists her hands and fingers into different configurations, watching closely to see just what these amazing appendages of hers are capable of. And now I am thinking about what they're capable of too!

I have read a few of books, attended a new mom group that covered some signing basics and best of all I received a hand made sign instruction kit from my fabulous sister in law, who teaches a baby sign course (you can find the Facebook page for her class "Signing Fun for Babies" here) So I know the basics. Now I just need to get started.

I have decided to start simply and think about the words I say to her on a daily basis and begin incorporating the signs for those things when I say them. What I didn't realize however, is that many of these common words and phrases have different signs associated with them and I would have to decide which ones to use. There is a difference between American Sign Language and baby signs. Because many of the ASL signs are too intricate or detailed for an infant's little hands, many of the ASL signs have been modified to make them simpler. The problem is that depending on what resource you turn to to learn these modified versions, you will get slightly different signs.After researching video dictionaries on some of these words, I am opting to use signs that seem the simplest to understand and repeat with favoritism toward the signs closest to ASL signs. And what I am learning when using your hands to communicate with your baby, the most important factor is your baby. If can use whatever hand gesture I want to teach her to communicate with me. And if she modifies or makes one up herself that's great too! No two babies will sign the same and that's OK. Which is great because I am always afraid I am doing it wrong.

Tomorrow is my official signing start day. After doing some reading and listening to some words of wisdom of the matter, it seems that it will be best for us to start with just a few signs that we can repeat over and over and slowly expand our vocabulary. So Chad and I will be consistently focusing on signing things that are not only relevant to Eliana's daily life but things that are repeated throughout her day many times. The words I want to start with are milk, more, all done, Mommy, Daddy and star. "Star" may seem like the odd word out on a list that includes many basic daily experiences, but she is surrounded by the heavenly, five pointed shapes in her nursery everyday, and they have quickly become her favorite thing to look at. She also LOVES hearing me sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" even calming from mid scream to giggles when I sing it, so I plan to begin signing it as I sing every time from now on.

I am so excited to get started! I know most babies don't sign on their own until about 7 months or later, but my niece did her first sign at 4 months and even if Eliana waits until 10 months or a year to talk with her hands, I still feel like this will be providing our family with a valuable communication tool. I adore having "cooing" conversations with my baby already where she coos, babbles and squeals in response to my voice and now I am looking forward to talking to her even more in a new, fun way!

Got Milk? Who Cares?

2011-07-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

I have been looking at my life a lot lately and savoring the many things I have going for me. And while much of what I have has come from a lot of work, effort and patience on my part, I still can't believe the miracle of having my sweet, perfect daughter is here smiling at me right now. I certainly didn't do anything extraordinary to deserve her. Sure I charted, I OPKd, I timed, I payed thousands of dollars to receive hundreds of shots, I cried, I lost, I hurt, I prayed and I hoped but did I really do anything anyone else in my position hasn't done? No, absolutely not.

So why am I here while so many of my deserving sisters in the IF community are still hurting from prolonged adoptions, BFNs and tragic losses? Not because these things are meant to or not meant to be or because I have good karma and they don't. I still struggle daily with infertility "survivor's guilt" knowing that so many people that I love dearly are still hurting and hoping for their time to come. I don't believe I am somehow more worthy of motherhood or somehow think I am somehow a better person than someone just because I have made the choice to be a parent and have been lucky enough to be able to do so. And the same goes for the choices I make as a parent, I don't believe mine are "right" and someone else's are "wrong".

I have been a mom for 3 and a half months, and with the exception of the first night in the hospital when Snow Pea was away from me in the nursery for observation, I have been fortunate enough to be able to breastfeed exclusively since she was born. I am very grateful that it has, for the most part, come easily to me and my daughter, but I don't take credit for it and I don't believe I am somehow superior because of it.

I am sure it is no secret to any of you that breastfeeding is a huge hot button issue. People are constantly throwing in their two cents on whether or not to do it, if it's ok to do it in public, whether it should be scheduled or "on demand" and what you're doing "wrong" if it doesn't go well. I have talked to friends and family members who have fallen on every side of all of these concerns and I have come to realize that breastfeeding carries with it so many of the same emotions and feelings as infertility.

One of the great gifts infertility has given me is gratitude. Of course, having struggled to become a mom, I don't take being one for granted, not for a second. And having learned that lesson with my fertility, I also realize how much my ability to nurse is something to be grateful for, something I got lucky with. So far, I have not had any trouble with supply or pain or infection and it has been pretty simple and painless for both Eliana and me. She is gaining weight perfectly and has even taken easily to a bottle of pumped milk anytime we offer it to her. But I don't think I did anything special to make any of this happen and I am also aware that it could all change at any time. Yes, I work at it and it can take a lot out of me, but that doesn't mean I have any control over it. I also worked hard to take my temperature every morning and chart my ovulation but I will never get pregnant without ART no matter how much work I put into it. It's just not something I can control. And just as someone who got pregnant on their first try is no more deserving of motherhood, I am no better at at it than friends who have had struggled with milk supply or who simply chose not to breastfeed for whatever reason. We all love our kids and we are all taking the best possible care of them in whatever form or fashion best suits our families.

I have seen and heard the hurt that comes from some of my friends who couldn't or have chosen not to breastfeed for whatever reason, and it reminds me so much of the pain of infertility. They seem to experience so many of the same emotions. And for those who struggled with IF before becoming parents, it can be even harder. There are similar feelings of helplessness, loss, and inadequacy. If you want to do it and can't, you can feel robbed of what you envisioned as a sacred experience and a rite of womanhood. If you choose not to breastfeed or become a mother without experiencing the hormonal changes of pregnancy and birth to trigger milk production, as in the case of adoption, you can feel completely left out by the rest of the boob-obsessed world we seem to live in. And in either situation guilt is lobbed at you in heaps. It all too often seems to make women feel like failures at motherhood if they don't breastfeed, just as I felt like a failure at womanhood when I couldn't get pregnant.

Being infertile, I highly value having relationships with others in my shoes that can relate, but I also have a great appreciation for my fertile friends and family that truly empathize with my experiences, those that acknowledge that they aren't somehow more deserving of being parents just because it happened easily for them. And in that same vein, I think it is important for me to acknowledge that no matter how hard I worked to get here or what choices that I make now that I have arrived, there is no amount of money I've spent, tears I've cried, shots I've received or milk I've produced that makes me a good or bad mother. I am a great mom because I love my child and I make choices every day that reflect that. I don't have control over many things, but loving her unconditionally and supporting everyone else that does the same for their families, that I can do.

3 Months of Happy Tears

2011-07-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

Snow Pea is 3 months old! Can you believe it? I certainly can't. And 3 months means the supposed "4th trimester" is at an end and my baby is no longer considered "brand new". It is all at once thrilling to think about all the growth and development that is on the horizon for her and bittersweet to say goodbye to her newborn status. It is a lot like when Chad and I were married for over a year and stopped being referred to as "newlyweds". We were excited to be a "real" married couple but it was still hard to say farewell to that shiny, glowing newness.

Saying goodbye to my daughter's brand newness definitely has its pluses though in the form of the trust she has in us. If you ever heard of "The Happiest Baby on the Block" you will have heard about the 4th trimester and the 5 S's used to soothe babies during this transition from life in the womb to life in the big, wide world. Basically, parents re-create the comforts and security of their child's life In Utero. Eliana has responded well to swaddling and white noise for comfort since day one and I am noticing now that she has learned to trust these things. She knows when she hears the crashing waves on her sound machine that it is time for sleep and thanks to this we have been able to soothe her to dreamland even when we are out and about and she needs to nap in her stroller or an unfamiliar new place.

In addition to providing the soothing comforts of lots of cuddles and kisses these past three months, we have also provided our Snow Pea with a routine that she has become very secure in. Not only does her routine give me a guideline to help structure my day, I can tell that she gets a lot of comfort from knowing what is coming next. Notice I didn't say schedule. We by no means follow a clock or force her to wait an hour to eat if she's hungry or wake her up if she's sleeping. But for our family, feeding her after waking, followed by playtime and then sleep has worked very well. I am by no means saying that my way is the best way or the only way, just that it's what our daughter has done these past three months and that she seems to really thrive with it. And thrive she has! She's now weighing in at 14 pounds and measuring 24 inches which puts her in about the 75th percentile and slowly into a new wardrobe of 3-6 month clothes.

Of course new outfits aren't the only milestones she's begun reaching in her third month. She has also become more and more vocal, making lots of cooing and trilling sounds every chance she gets. I could listen to those sweet sounds all day long! And it's clear that she is often "talking" to us with the way she makes eye contact and responds when we speak to her. It is incredible to see how Chad and I really are the center of her world and although she smiles and talks at almost every one she meets, there is a special level of communication reserved just for us. She even seems to have favorite songs and stories that she likes to hear from us. I don't know how I stumbled on it but if she's crying and I sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", she calms down immediately and is all smiles. She also loves hearing "Goodnight Moon" and watches the pictures intently as I turn the pages. She has even been chuckling and giggling every once in a while, but it's still not quite consistent and we're still waiting to capture the first true belly laughs. I can tell they are close though and I can't wait to hear them!

As for big physical milestones, she's showing no interest in rolling over or being mobile yet, but she has started tolerating tummy time now that she is able to lift her head, chest and shoulders off the mat. It's incredible to see how much stronger she gets every day! And on the 4th of July, just in time for her 3 month mark, she completed her first grab! Of course, the tragic part of this is that I just happened to be in the shower when it happened. It really isn't fair! I am home with her every day, all day and in the ten minutes I'm away to finally wash my hair and shave my legs while she hangs out with her daddy, she goes and does something exciting for the very first time! Luckily, Chad captured the entire thing on video and I of course have watched it over and over again. If you're interested you can see it too! Just click here. It's a bit long so you might want to skip through a bit but I highly recommend watching at about the one minute mark. Too cute!

I really can't believe she has been here three months, almost as much as I can't believe that I am somehow worthy to be mom to such an amazing little person. I keep thinking back to the years before she came into our lives and all of the hell and pain we experienced trying to become parents, and I know without a doubt that it was all completely worth it. I would do it all again and more for her. As much hurt as I have felt and as intense as the emotions of infertility still are sometimes, they come nowhere near the intensity of the love I have for her. During the 3 years we spent struggling to become parents, I cried more tears of heartbreak than I thought possible. Now in just 3 months, I think I have cried just as many tears of happiness. Thank you, Snow Pea.

Infertiles Are Fathers Too

2011-06-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

Good grief I have let my blogging slack! Two weeks? Too long! Well even though it was two weeks ago now, I still want to take the time to share some thoughts on Chad's very first Father's Day.

I have long believed that my husband is the greatest guy there ever was. He is incredibly smart, talented, funny and has the biggest heart of anyone I know. And as much as I knew I loved him, I had no clue how much the years we spent journeying together to become parents would expand that love.

If you've read up on my blog, you may have noticed that our struggles with infertility all stemmed from my body. When we were in the testing stages of our journey, we learned that not only was my plumbing seriously clogged up, but that his was in beyond perfect condition. I felt so guilty. He wanted so baldy to be a daddy and I knew he would be an amazing one, the only thing keeping him from it was me. I cried and hurt over that but he never for a second saw it the same way. We were an us and it was our infertility not mine. He went through every step of the journey with me and shared the heartache of every pregnancy announcement and the hope of every monitoring appointment. He learned just as much about cycles, sperm counts, follicles, injections and uterine linings as I did. And he can discuss all of it with batting an eyelash and is quick to do so any time he hears anyone in need of an education on such matters. He cried with me and held my hand through it all. He kissed me on the cheek before every single injection during IVF and FET and never stopped thanking me for being the one to go through all of it so that we could both be parents. He bought the first and only gifts for Sprout and made the most amazing tribute video when we lost that pregnancy. He began planning and preparing years before his little girl was born and in so many ways, he was a daddy long before she was even conceived.

Once she was conceived and I was officially pregnant, he continued to be an amazing dad. He dubbed our miracle FET baby "Snow Pea", and came to every single doctor's appointment. He rubbed my feet and pressed his head to my tummy to hear her heartbeat. He read her stories and got up a million times a day to get me water or bring me a blanket. He asked how I was doing every afternoon and then asked how she was too. He held my hand and encouraged me throughout labor and hugged me and told me he was proud of me when I had to have a c-section. He cried as she came into the world and held her tight as he brought her to me for the first time. He stayed with her in the nursery and took care of her by himself the first 24 hours in the hospital while I was still bed-ridden.

When we came home from the hospital and I was struck by the baby blues, he held me and let me cry on his shoulder. He took on extra responsibilities with the baby and worked from home a little longer. And now that we have been parents for over 2 months and are beginning to find our routine, he still gets up with her in the middle of the night and changes almost every diaper he's home for. Every weekend he makes a bottle and kicks me out of the house for a few hours so I can have me time and he can have daddy-daughter time.

On Father's Day I was overjoyed to put Eliana in the bib I had bought for him years ago, before we even knew that becoming parents would be such a challenge. Many people buy lots of things for their babies before they're conceived and have hope chests full of cute outfits and adorable toys, but I have only ever had that bib, that hope that one day I would be able to see my amazing husband become our child's amazing father. I am so grateful that day has finally come. But even if it hadn't come yet I would still want to celebrate him and his devotion to fatherhood, just as I want to celebrate all of the amazing would be dads in the world. The men that struggle with their own infertility, the men that support their partners through treatments, tears, home studies, and heartaches and go through it all themselves too. It seems that the world not only forgets about dads when it comes to parenting, but they also leave out the men who long to be fathers. To me these men deserve celebration on Father's Day too, because even before their children come into their lives physically, they love them and dream of them and do everything they can for them. Just like any good dad.

Return To The Jedi

2011-06-15T21:31:00.001-07:00

I'm late posting this, since it was 2 weeks ago now, but I still just had to share this amazing moment. The moment when Snow Pea met the amazing fertility specialist that helped us take her from dream to reality. She broke into a huge smile as soon as she made eye contact with him. It was like she knew. It was incredible. I couldn't help but tear up a tiny bit and think about the pat he gave my tummy after my transfer as he told our embies to snuggle in tight and grow into healthy, happy babies. And Eliana did just that.

Dear "Dr Jedi"

I don't even know how to begin to show my appreciation for all you have done for us. Thank you just doesn't seem to cover it. You and your staff are by far the most genuine and caring medical team we have ever encountered. We have never felt like less than a top priority in your office. You are such a caring and genuine doctor with an incredible bedside manner. You genuinely wanted us to succeed and it showed. You kept us very involved in the process, allowing us to have the all the information we needed to make each decision along the way, and you were always patient and thorough in answering my questions.

We love that your practice is smaller and we felt like the staff's top priority every time we walked in. Everyone there knows my face and some nurses even know my voice on the phone. I never waited more than a minute or two for any appointment. Even 8 months after my last appointment at your office, the staff recognized me when I called to schedule this meeting. I can't say that I am surprised because, like you, they always seemed to truly care.

Honestly, I can't say enough great things about you or your practice. I have no doubt that the care with which you handled every aspect of my treatment is the reason I am able to hold my daughter in my arms today. We couldn't have dreamed of a better doctor to help us make our biggest dream come true.Thank you for helping to make us parents. We couldn't have done it without you.

2 Months

2011-06-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

I just posted my little girl's birth story (which you can catch up on here if you missed it) and now in the blink of an eye she is two months old! I can't believe how quickly time flies. Or how much I have yet to blog about. I have a running list of posts I have been writing in my head and another list of topics that I still need to write in my head and then eventually here, on my actual blog. It's amazing how little I seem to get done in a day lately. I have so much respect for full time mommy bloggers! It takes a lot of energy and commitment for me to just write personal updates, I don't know how they do it! One day I hope my list will get written, but if I'm honest there were a million infertility and pregnancy topics I have yet to write so I am not incredibly hopeful. Especially considering I have gotten worse not better about writing new posts.

I am trying not to wait too long to write milestone posts though, which is why even though I am dying to turn on the TV and veg out, I am going to write about Snow Pea's 2nd month of life first. I know that years from now I won't be able to even remember what TV show I thought was so important but I will cherish re-reading these simple memories of my daughter's babyhood.

The thing about writing this stuff down is that there really are no words that sufficiently describe what I want to say. I keep trying to put how I feel about each new smile, coo and cry into some tangible form but it's just not possible. The mere fact that she simply exists blows me away every single second, and then the realization that she is my child hits me and it's too much, I can't compute. It's like trying to truly understand how vast the universe is and how small we are in it. Trying to fathom that this perfect little person that I wake up to every day is really here and really my daughter is just too big to fully process. And if that's impossible for me to wrap my mind around, I know I will never be able to comprehend, let alone explain, just how much I love her.

Now that she's two months old so much has changed, and at the same time not much at all has. She is too young for any of the huge, obvious milestones that my friends keep asking about. It will be a while before she crawls or talks or even picks things up on her own, and to most people she is still in the "boring" stage. But to me, every turn of her head and curl of her lip is exciting and fascinating. It just amazes me because there is so much I see her do. For the very first time! In her life! I mean that is incredible! Things we do every day and take for granted I get to witness a new person learn to do for the first time ever! It is nothing short of amazing.

This month she has been smiling more and more at me and Chad. Especially when we get her up in the morning. She is happy to see us and nothing melts your heart more than a baby whose face lights up once you make eye contact, no matter how exhausted you are. And (very) luckily, we aren't even all that exhausted anymore. At exactly 6 weeks, she slept through the night for the first time! From about 10pm to 6am she was out like a light. At first we thought it might have been a fluke, but 2 weeks later she is still doing it. I'm excited because not only is great to get a full night's sleep, but it is another way that she is growing. And she is definitely growing! At 2 months she is 12.5lbs and 23.5in, which puts her in the 95th percentile for weight and the 90th for height. I have a strong feeling I am going to be the shortest person in my house one day.

Now that she has hit the 2 month mark, it is also time for the dreaded S word- shots! She had hers today and I have to admit I was incredibly nervous. I scheduled the appointment for first thing in the morning and had Chad go in to work late so that he could come with me for support. I was just so worried she would be hysterically and that if she was, I would be. The visit with the pediatrician went very well. She was smiling and happy and didn't even fuss at the cold stethoscope. When the nurse came in with the tray of needles and vaccines, Eliana was laying on the table turned toward me with a happy look on her face that seemed to say, "Hey, Mom, this is a fun, new place. Look at all the fun things to see!" Which is why I felt tears welling up as soon as the nurse began the oral vaccine and Eliana's face went from happy to confused about this weird new taste in her mouth. She wasn't upset about it, just unsure.

Then came the first injection. She was definitely caught off guard by it and it took a little while before her face dropped and she started to cry. It wasn't too a terrible of a cry, I have heard worse when she is cranky or hungry, but it was definitely a different kind of cry, one that said she was shocked and hurt by what this new person and just done to her poor leg. Then came shots two and three and her screams got a lot louder. It was so hard seeing my baby upset like that but really the worst part was the seeing it surprise her like it did. There she was just minding her own business, smiling at me and making little squeaky noises and BAM! needle in the leg. Honestly though, she didn't react that badly and even though my tears welled up in the beginning, they never spilled out. And although she cried real tears, she was smiling again by the time we got into the car. (I credit Chad for that, he has a magic touch and sometimes I swear she likes him more than me- a post for another time). I was so proud of her and me for getting through the first injections relatively easily.

Now as we embark on month 3, Chad and I are anxiously awaiting her first laugh. We think she came really close tonight. We were putting her in her car seat to leave the house for dinner this evening and she looked me right in the eye with a smile on her face and did a 5 second giggle. Chad and I turned to each other with eyes and mouths wide open in disbelief and excitement. Did that really just happen?! Was that a real laugh? I turned back to her to see if I could get her to do it again and as soon as I made eye contact and smiled at her, she repeated the same noise that made us so excited the first time. We high-fived in utter shock and joy. Then she started crying. Loudly. So we aren't calling it yet, because that "giggle" sounded a lot like a pre-cry noise too, but she is definitely getting close and I think a genuine laugh is just around the corner, if tonight wasn't in fact the real deal. Either way, just hearing and seeing her make that new noise for the very first time, whether a cry or a laugh or something in between, was yet another reminder of how amazing each and every second of witnessing and being a part of my daughter's life really is.

Birth Story Part 3: Our Star is Born

2011-06-07T21:30:00.000-07:00

If you missed how Snow Pea's labor started you can read Part 1 here or if you need to catch up on the sudden turn of events in her delivery, read Part 2 here.

Once the call was made for me to stop pushing and get prepped for a c-section, my first thought was just one thing: water! I was so incredibly thirsty from all of the breathing and pushing I had been doing for the past couple of hours. The cup of water Chad was passing to me had barely grazed my fingertips when a nurse intervened and took it away. I nearly cried at that moment and I think she sensed my desperation so I was allowed one tiny ice chip before the staff began shuffling me carefully onto the the gurney for my trip to the operating room.

On the way, I was hurriedly trying to send a text to my friends and family across the country letting them know what was happening while also trying hold myself together in spite of my growing anxiety. Chad held my hand tight and kept reassuring me that despite my disappointment with myself, I had not failed and everything would turn out great. All too quickly we were outside the OR doors. My new nurse wasn't exactly patient with me or my emotions and despite my requests for one more minute to text my family and hug my husband, she told me to hand him my phone and sent him off in the opposite direction to be prepped as she wheeled me into the room. I had been disappointed when shift change happened but now I wished more than ever that my previous nurse was still on duty.

Once in the OR, I was shuffled onto the operating table and my gown was pulled up to my waist as the curtain was placed above my chest. My anesthesiologist arrived to re-do my IV and prepare me for surgery. As he worked and the nurses did their prep, I kept asking my nurse questions about what to expect. I was getting more and more anxious with every second and even though I knew a lot of the answers from having read the books and attending the classes, I felt as if hearing the answers again would somehow calm my nervous energy. Unfortunately, as I said my nurse wasn't very patient with my anxiety and I could tell I was getting on her nerves. it didn't help that as I talked I was staring at the door waiting for Chad to appear. I knew that he was really the only person that could truly make me feel any better.

Luckily, my anesthesiologist, Dr Thoughtful, was one of the nicest and friendliest people I have ever met and he did a great job of soothing me until Chad finally arrived. It had only been 15 minutes that we were apart but it felt like an eternity. I was so relieved to see him, and even though I was laid on the table with my arms out as if on a cross, I did my best to hug him when he swooped down to kiss me on the forehead.

Dr. Casual came in and asked Dr Thoughtful when the medication would be sufficiently in my system. He said I was all set and that we could start at 8:50pm, which was in about 10 minutes. I held onto Chad's hand and began directing my questions at Dr. Thoughtful. He said I could keep my arms unstrapped but I did need to keep them out and away from the curtain. He also told me that the anesthesia would remove all pain but that I would still feel tugging and pulling sensations. It seemed like within seconds I was feeling exactly what he was talking about. As soon as it started my focus seemed to turn inward and thanks to the drugs, I have very sparse memories from this point onward. I remember knowing that the incision was being made, and feeling the tug as my abdominal muscles were pulled apart. It didn't hurt but it did feel completely unlike anything I have ever experienced and I groaned with many of the pulls, largely aware that my insides were being tugged and moved.

The birth part of a c-section is quicker than you can imagine, and suddenly Dr Thoughtful's hands were on my temples and he was chanting my name as he guided my face up to look into a mirror he held for me so that I could see the other side of the curtain. I stared into it and saw a curved little body resting on top of a sea of red. Snow Pea's back was curved up with her legs tucked under her with a swirl of darkened, wet curls on her head. I held my breath and stared at that mirror for what simultaneously seemed like a nanosecond and an eternity before hearing her very first life-changing cry. I let out the biggest exhale of my life as I squeezed Chad's hand and looked into his tear filled eyes. At 8:57pm Snow Pea was born.

As Snow Pea was cut free from my body, Dr Thoughtful told me I would feel a sting in my hand. I quickly replied "there it is" and that was it, I was in a medicated daze. No one had sufficiently prepared me for the morphine or it's effects. I felt like my body was trying to force me into a coma like sleep as I fought against it with everything I had and that feeling lasted for hours afterward. I hate that I was so drugged for the first few hours of my daughter's life. I can only remember Snow Pea's birth in bits and pieces and so much of it is so fuzzy in my memory, but thankfully the most important moments are with me, imprinted on my soul forever.

I don't remember Chad leaving my side but once she was in the warmer, the neonatologist called him over. He hadn't wanted to cut the cord, he thought it seemed unnecessary, but the doctor extended the scissors and being in the moment, Chad went ahead and cut away the length of umbilical cord still attached to Snow Pea's tummy. He talked to her and took pictures as she was weighed and wrapped to be brought to me. Once she was ready, he held her for the first time and carried her to me.

Like I said, I don't remember this time period but I know I was still being stitched up when he nudged her body toward my face so that I could see and hold her for the first time and that I do remember. As soon as her body made contact with mine, my free arm- the right one- wrapped up around her and held onto her as tightly as possible. I nuzzled my face into her body and just fell into that moment. Nothing else existed in those few seconds but her. There really are no words to adequately describe that first embrace. It was like time stood still and the whole universe just fell away. There was only my body holding onto her tiny little body and every ounce of pure love that has ever existed seemed to flow through me. I can't describe it as intense because it was so much more peaceful than that. It was what I always imagined a state of nirvana might feel like. I didn't think of her as my daughter or myself as her mother. I didn't think about my past or my future or even my present with doctors sewing up my insides, it just me and her and nothing else. And then Chad was there holding me and her together and it was just the three of us. In our own little bubble of joy and love, nothing else seemed to exist and even if it did, it didn't seem to matter.

The next thing I remember is being in the recovery room alone with my nurse as she checked my blood pressure. I was panicky inside wondering where my family was. Why wasn't Chad or Snow Pea with me? What was going on? I felt like someone had amputated my heart, they should have been there with me! It turned out that Snow Pea had a lot swelling on her head from having her head trapped during labor in addition to some concerns about her breathing so she was in the nursery for care and observation. Poor Chad was shuffling between my floor and hers, not sure where he should be. Finally, my hour of recovery was up and I was cleared to be moved to my room.

First, my nurse wheeled my gurney to the nursery so that I could see my sweet baby girl. I tried furiously to force my eyes open as I looked at her struggling to breath under the nursery warmers. I tentatively reached out to touch her and received a very wet, rattling cry in response. I realized my hands must have been freezing to her and quickly shrunk away as I apologized. I gave my fingers a chance to get warm before placing my index finger into the palm of her hand and stroking the back of my hand with her thumb. It was the first time I had made direct skin to skin contact with her and all too quickly it was over and I was wheeled into my room to wait until she was released from the nursery.

I slept off and on until they finally brought her back to me at about 1am. The neonatologist explained the tests they had done and told me that if the ultrasounds they planned to perform on her head swelling revealed any blood, that she would be taken to the NICU. I held my breath at that and prayed that wouldn't be the case. The nurses came again at 3am and took her for her first bath. Normally they do this in the room with the parents there to be a part of it, but they were still concerned about her and wanted to do it in the nursery and keep her in the warmers again afterward. I was so devastated not to be there for that and then again when I realized she had been alive for 6 hours and I had yet to feed her or even truly hold her, let alone name her!

Morning came and the sun rose over our new view. This time instead of an ocean scene, our window faced a building. But not just any building, we were just across the street from the very building where it all began. It was the building where my egg retrieval took place, as well as the fertilization of those eggs. It was the building where our embryos are currently on ice and where one of those formally frozen snowflakes was transferred back into my body on July 15, 2010. The embryo that stayed and grew and thrived and became our Snow Pea. When I was finally able to truly hold her, I showed her that building and told her what an epic ninth month journey it had been for to get to the other side of the street.

Then at long last, just before the staff member came to collect the paperwork for her birth certificate, Chad and I decided on our daughter's name. We already knew her middle name would be Sue, after not only my sister who has the same middle name, but also both of our mother's who are Susie (mine) and Sue (his). With that much family connection, there really was no other choice for me. Her first name however, we could never commit to during my pregnancy. Finally looking at her face to face though and feeling the enormity of all we had been through to get her here as well as the extreme gratitude at having her to love at long last, we realized only one name on our list would do. I am not a religious person but I do believe in a loving spirit outside of us. Eliana in Hebrew means "God has answered me" and after years of hurt, loss, hope and now finally holding her in my arms, I know that he certainly has.

Birth Story Part 2: Push Comes to Shove

2011-05-31T21:44:00.000-07:00

If you read part one of Snow Pea's birth story, you know that my labor was induced a week after my due date, and that after a slow progression I had reached the point of labor when I was ready to begin pushing.

Once it was confirmed that I was fully dilated, my nurse began focusing her checks on Snow Pea's position. She was at about +1 when I became fully dilated, and things were looking good. The nurse could see my baby girl's head and I was excited when she told us that it definitely was covered in hair! I myself was born with quite a puff of white hair, so hearing my daughter would be too made me feel connected to her, confirming that we had at least one thing in common right from the start.

In addition to seeing all of her gorgeous waves, the nurse could see that Snow Pea was attempting to fit through an opening in my pelvis that was a bit more narrow than her head, which looked like it was beginning to cone in order to fit. Chad was a teeny bit concerned about having a cone-head baby, but the nurse quickly reassured him that her head was made to do this and we could have cute hats on her for pictures for the few days it normally takes for baby's heads to look a little rounder. After laboring down for an hour to give her little noggin a chance to move a bit farther down, I got into position and started pushing.

Contrary to what I have been led to believe by TV and the movies, there was not a lot of commotion during the pushing stage. It was just me, Chad and my nurse. We were actually both surprised by just how relaxed this part of the process really was. There weren't even any stirrups involved. Chad was by side holding my head as I curled my body into each push and my nurse gently tried turning and easing Snow Pea's head down. As they counted me through, I put every bit of focus and energy into sucking in one big breath and holding for a count of ten as I pushed, then blowing it out and repeating it two more times during each contraction. Most of the contractions anyway. Every once in a while we'd take a break so that I could rest or so that the nurse could check in with my OB, Dr Casual, who had been in touch with her all day.

I was doing exactly what I needed to during the pushing and Snow Pea was handling it perfectly, her heart rate never once went outside the guidelines. She was never distressed or tired and neither was I. We were both feeling great. The problem was no matter how well I pushed, or how much my baby tried to wiggle, her head just wasn't coming down. I tried laying on my side for a few pushes, because a change of angle can often do the trick, but that didn't work either.

After almost 2 hours of pushing and another shift change, I got word from my 3rd nurse that Dr Casual had arrived at the hospital. I was shocked and happy to hear he was there. When I had checked in the night before, we had been told that the on-call OB would be delivering the baby and since Dr Casual was not on call that weekend, we probably wouldn't see him at all until my post-natal check up in 6 weeks. But there he was, calmly strolling into the room as if he had been hanging out in the hospital all day. He sat down and casually said "Hey guys, how's it goin?" exactly the same way as he had at the start of every prenatal appointment. We chatted for a bit and then I began pushing again.

After a few pushes, Dr. Casual told me that Snow Pea just wasn't coming down. He said that my pelvic inlet was narrow and my baby's head was not. Further complicating things, my tailbone has a rare trait in that it curves into my pelvic cavity, making the area even narrower and providing a nice bump for Snow Pea's head to get stuck on. Then he and the nurse uttered the word I had been dreading: cesarean. He knew though how much I wanted to avoid surgery if at all possible, and gave me the option of attempting a vacuum assisted birth. My labor was going perfectly and she would just slide out if he could just get her head past the lip that my tailbone had created. I agreed to it and almost instantly the room changed.

The nurse started breaking down the bottom half of the bed as more nurses and neonatalologists began crowding in. Suddenly there were three new people standing around my bed as Dr. Casual attempted to remove the internal monitor that had been attached to Snow Pea's scalp earlier in the day. When the monitor was being placed, Snow Pea's hair had caused some trouble, frequently knocking it loose and setting off the monitor's alarm each time it lost signal. Finally after setting off the alarm at least ten times, a nurse had re-attached it more securely, maybe too securely because now Snow Pea's hair caused trouble again. This time instead of being knocked loose by her mane, it was tangled up in it. Dr. Casual was gently trying to untangle it for quite a while before it finally came free, but not without taking a few hairs with it. We all chuckled at Snow Pea's "first haircut", as Dr. Casual began getting all of his tools ready.

Getting the vacuum into a good position proved challenging as well because of the coning on Snow Pea's head. It works best to have a flatter surface to attach to and more and more of her head was becoming pointy and swollen. Her hair also continued to make things difficult because it was so thick, not the ideal smooth surface for this procedure. But Dr. Casual knew how much it meant to me so he continued adjusting the instrument until he was able to get it right. Then it was time for me to push while he pulled. With the new and expanded team of medical staff in the room, it was beginning to feel and look a lot more like the "holy crap I am about to have a baby" delivery I had seen on TV. Chad was my biggest cheerleader but the rest of the team was also coaching me through each breath and contraction, telling me to "push down through my bottom" and to "get mad". If I hadn't been so focused on what I was doing, I would have laughed. But with the threat of c-section looming over me, I was giving each and every push everything I had.

I could tell that Dr. Casual was doing the same as he tried to simultaneously pull the baby's head down forcefully and gently. There were a few times when we was tugging and the vacuum shot free of Snow Pea's head and sent him flying backward from the force of it. We did quite a few pushes with the vacuum and my army of cheerleaders. All the while I fought back the fear that I was somehow doing it wrong and I was going to fail at giving birth. Finally, Dr. Casual said her head just wouldn't budge despite all of our best efforts and it was time to go into the OR for a c-section.

I couldn't accept it at first. I looked at him pleadingly, begging to try something else. Another position, something, anything to avoid the surgery. He looked at me with a slight sadness and told me this really was the only option we had if I wanted a safe, healthy delivery and baby. Despite all the pushing and even being stuck, Snow Pea had never been stressed. Her heart stayed strong and steady, but the longer we put through this, the more likely she would become distressed. It was better to do a safe, planned c-section now than to keep trying and be in a truly emergency situation. Chad asked one of the nurses what we would be doing had this been the situation outside the hospital or in the 1800s. She replied that we would've kept pushing until a terrible outcome would have ultimately resulted. That was all that he needed to hear to know that he was ok with the doctor's decision. I, on the other hand, was still freaking out in desperation and disbelief that I was being wheeled into the operating room.

But one way or another, it was time for Snow Pea to be born, and I knew that despite how I had wished things would happen, what was most important to me was finally holding my sweet girl in my arms, happy and healthy. So I took a deep breath and signed the consent forms for my c-section. I had been born by c-section nearly three decades earlier, so it looked like being born with a full head of hair wouldn't be the only thing mine and my daughter's births would have in common. And now it was almost time...

Birth Story Part 1: It Starts...

2011-05-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

I feel like queen of the slackers lately. 6 weeks have passed since Snow Pea was born, and I have yet to write her birth story. I think about it every day and keep telling myself I will sit and write this post, but I never seem to actually do the writing part. So much of my last moments of pregnancy and her arrival into the world are still so fresh to me, it seems like I will always remember them, but I know the reality is that more and more details will slip my mind the longer I wait to write them down, so I have resolved to write at least part one of her birth story today. Beginning, of course, with the day before she was born.

The week after Snow Pea's official due date was full of hope, excitement and anxiety. Chad and I had spent lots of time reading up on and trying all of the old wives tales we could find to try coaxing Snow Pea into coming on her own but as my scheduled induction neared, we instead began emotionally embracing and preparing for that moment much as we did as children waiting for Christmas. We wanted to make the most of those last hours before heading into the hospital and they were so perfect and poignant for me, that this story really does start there.

We scheduled the induction for midnight on a Friday and at first I worried it would be a mistake to go into the hospital in the middle of the night, but once the last 24 hours began, I was so glad we made the decision we did. That day I created a "Last Day" list that included a few chores and errands I wanted to finish before we left, as well as a few fun things I wanted to enjoy. And because we went in at the end of the day, instead of the beginning, I was able to leisurely enjoy every moment of that last day. I went for long walk, rubbing my still pregnant belly the entire time, spent some time in Barnes & Noble enjoying a book and a coffee, met with a few of our closest friends for dinner and re-packed my hospital bag taking into account the reality that when I came home again, it would be as a family of three. It was undoubtedly the most exciting, anticipatory day of my life and when it was time to leave the house Chad and I were both nearly breathless from the butterflies flapping away in our stomachs. It was a drizzly drive down the freeway, and of course incredibly surreal as each mile went by.

After we arrived and signed all of the admittance paperwork I was brought to my room where I was asked to pee in a cup one last time and then change into a hospital gown. My nurse, Suzanne, seemed a bit insecure but she was sweet and took good care of me that night. She went over all of the admittance questions as she started my IV and the lowest dose of Pitocin. She showed Chad where he could go to get himself coffee and my hourly allowance of juice, popsicles or jello. After getting my ID bracelet on, Chad and I gave her our birth plan attached to a box of See's chocolate for her and the rest of the nursing staff. I am not sure if it was the chocolate or just that they liked us, but we did feel that we received excellent treatment from all of the labor and delivery staff.

Once the external contraction and heart rate monitors were on, she did a check of Snow Pea's and my status and found that I was between 80% effaced, 2 & 3centimeters dilated and Snow Pea was at -1 station. It was a good place to start and my contractions were very mild, so we took advantage of that early stage and got plenty of rest.

At about 4am my contractions were still very mild, too mild to be making much progress,so Dr.Casual ordered my water to be broken. In our childbirth classes the instructor showed us the slender plastic pokey stick they use to puncture the bag of waters and explained how quick,easy and painless the process is. Apparently my membranes missed that memo because it took the on-call OB a lot of time and effort to actually break my water, which was less than comfortable. The slight discomfort of having my water broken didn't compare to the discomfort of the contractions that followed. Literally within minutes my mild,easy contractions became surges of hard, hollow cramping pain. For about 3 hours I breathed and walked through each wave of pain, but by 7am and at close to 4cm, I succumbed to temptation and had my epidural placed by an anesthesiologist who could have taught a course in bedside manner, while I watched a gorgeous sunrise over Newport Harbor.

Shift change came and while I had liked my night nurse, I really loved Ashley who eventually became my nurse for the day. She was very sincere and easy to relate to. She kept telling us how happy she was for us and I could tell she really meant it. By mid-morning my epidural had made my contraction pain a distant memory but it had been replaced by the most insane itching of my life! No one had ever told me about the possibility of that side effect. It was unreal! The IV fluids coupled with being bed bound by the epidural also caused my feet and legs to swell to nearly epic proportions. I looked like I had sprouted sausages on the end of my torso. Ultimately though, I was able to sleep much better with the drugs than I ever would have without them, so Chad rubbed my legs for me in between naps as my body continued the slow and steady progression of labor.

Snow Pea's birth day was unbelievably exciting and surreal for me and Chad. We napped, chatted with the nurse, enjoyed a delicious lunch of jello and juice, watched the sailboats glide by outside our window and continually marveled at just how amazing and wonderful this whole thing was. I now realize that I was in labor for 18 hours before I began pushing, and it was another 3 hours until Snow Pea was finally born. Not a short amount of time by any means, but for us, giddily enjoying every second, the day seemed to fly by.

There were a few moments throughout the day when I worried I wasn't progressing enough. The nurse would come in to check me and hour after hour, my cervix would be exactly the same. I was so paranoid I would fall victim to the so-called "cascade of interventions" and my progression would stop altogether or Snow Pea would be put into distress and I would end up having to have a c-section, my greatest fear. Thankfully, Snow Pea was never stressed for a second, her heart rate stayed perfect throughout the entire labor and then all at once I went from 6cm to fully dilated. After laboring down for another hour so that Snow Pea could move into position, it was time to push. That's where the real story of her birth begins...

Wordless Wednesday: Say Cheese!

2011-05-18T23:22:00.000-07:00

Making photo books is always a daunting task for me, but I had a free book and 155 beautiful newborn pictures of my sweet baby girl, so I found the time and created this album. I am so glad we were able to have Amy at Miracle Made, come take these gorgeous pictures of Snow Pea (and give me a mini mommy make-over!). I will always cherish these precious photos and the memories of having them taken. I am just in awe every single time I see Eliana's sweet face, and I always will be.

Click here to view this photo book larger

One Month

2011-05-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

My Dear Precious Snow Pea, Eliana,

You are one month old today! It is amazing that even though time seems to be moving at warp speed since you were born, it also feels like you have always been here, where you were meant to be. I know you have only been physically here for one month, but you have been alive and real in mine and Daddy's hearts for much, much longer than that. Now that you are finally here, we can't imagine a world without you in it.

Your first month in the world has been a busy one. Your Grammy came to visit from Florida, your Aunt Pammy came from Alaska and your Grandmommy and Granddaddy drove from Georgia to see your sweet face and spend time with you. Everyone just instantly falls in love with you and then misses you like crazy once they leave. Living far away from so many of the people that love you has been one of the hardest parts of this month, but always remember that no matter how far away they are, there are so many people that wanted you to be here and they all hoped and prayed for you, almost as much as Mommy and Daddy did.

I really can't believe how quickly this time has flown by or how much you have already grown and changed in one short month.You cheeks get squishier and more kissable every day as you become more and more aware of the world around you. It has been incredible to watch you as you notice something for the first time. Lately, you have become more interested in watching and trying to imitate faces. If Daddy or I blow raspberries at you, you start sticking out your tongue and flicking it in an attempt to do it too! It is the cutest thing in the world!

Yesterday thanks to you, I got to do something I thought at times I may never be able to do, celebrate my first Mother's Day. You gave me the most amazing and incredible gift for my first Mother's Day too, your first real smile! In the morning you slept in, while Daddy brought me breakfast in bed. After you woke up and had your breakfast, Daddy and I sat in the nursery playing with you. I was tickling your sweet, little chin and giggling at you like Ernie from "Sesame Street". You locked eyes with me as I kept doing that and at that moment the biggest smile spread across your face. It was incredible! Both mine and Daddy's hearts melted. We thought you were gorgeous before but seeing you smile was true beauty.

I still can't believe I got to celebrate such a special day with you. Last year at this time, I was heartbroken and devastated by longing and loss. My first mother's day was bittersweet because of that. I won't lie to you, I cried quite a bit yesterday morning, for a mixture of reasons. I cried tears of remembrance at last year's pain, tears of empathy for my friends still in longing, tears of gratitude for the support and love of your Daddy, tears of joy at seeing your amazing smile and tears of awe that this is real, I really am a mommy, your mommy, and that is an honor I will strive every day to be worthy of.

Happy one month of life, Baby Girl. You have made this past month the best of my life. I thought I knew love the moment I held you in my arms for the first time, but each day of this past month I've realized that the love I felt for you yesterday, pales next to the love I have for you today. And even though tomorrow hasn't come yet, I know that the love I will have for you then will be even greater still.

Wordless Wednesday: Bathing Beauty

2011-05-04T22:59:00.000-07:00

Today was baby girl's first REAL (not sponge) bath. I was worried she would scream through the whole thing but she LOVED the water almost as much as she loved watching herself in the mirror. The adventure of the bath came before and after. While I was holding her naked bottom in my hand, she decided it was a good time to poop! All over me, the counter and in the bath water. Then after she was all clean and dried off, she peed all over her cute hooded towel and her daddy. It was definitely a fun and memorable event that I will cherish the memory of forever.

NIAW: You Don't Have to Go It Alone

2011-04-30T17:05:00.000-07:00

All month long I have been thinking about National Infertility Awareness Week and this year's challenge to bust an infertility myth. There are so many misconceptions and misunderstandings about infertility, what it is and how it effects those who experience it. Since the birth of my daughter 3 weeks ago, what I have been dying to shout from the rooftops is that just because I have my child doesn't mean that I am no longer infertile and it does not mean I longer feel the pain and loss that infertility has caused in my life. I still feel the hurt of those 4 years of heartbreak and the loss of my first pregnancy, not to mention the financial costs of my IVF and FET and the reality that I will need to turn to these procedures again if I ever hope to provide a sibling for my little girl. But beyond my own experiences, I still also feel the pain, anticipation, anxiety, joy and most of all hope for my fellow infertile sisters and brothers because despite myths to the contrary, infertility is not something we have to face alone.

My husband and I, like most couples who are struggling to conceive, felt very alone when our journey began. We didn't tell anyone that we were trying and only began discreetly mentioning anything about our hopes for children when we realized we needed help. At first, we turned to our usual support network of friends and family members. We still consider ourselves very lucky that most of those people responded with love and support. But very often, despite everyone's best efforts, we couldn't find what we needed most: understanding.

At about the time that we began testing and evaluation to find out just why we had spent two years trying to conceive without success, I was introduced to the social networking site "twitter". I had connected with current friends, old high school acquaintances and a few new internet pals. I had enjoyed chatting with these online buddies about pop culture and the quirky happenings in our day to day to lives. But the farther down the rabbit hole I fell into temperature charting, ovulation prediction kits, blood tests and weekly ultrasounds, the more I found myself wanting to talk about these things in 140 characters or less instead of my usual lighthearted chit chat about who should win the latest tv reality dance show. Since I had so many real life friends following my thoughts online, I started a new account just so that I could vent my TTC (trying to conceive) related frustrations and hopes. I made a couple of connections with fellow TTCers and breathed a sigh of relief that I had found an outlet for my thoughts about trying to become a mom.

The group started out small but very close knit. We rallied behind each other and answered each other's questions about charts, testing and fertility procedures. We made jokes about the number of sticks we had all peed on and started a satirical store devoted to holiday ornaments and household items made of all of our BFN (big fat negative) home pregnancy tests. We "met" in private online chat rooms for a virtual happy hour to discuss our trials and support each other in real time. After encouragement in one of these chats, I finally decided to start this blog and here I've found not only the freedom to discuss my feelings in more than 140 characters at a time, I also found even more wonderful people that cared, that supported me and that understood.

When I was officially diagnosed with infertility and told that my only true chance to ever be pregnant was through IVF treatment, the amazing women and men of this online community were there for me in every sense of the word. I could safely laugh or cry as I expressed the full range of hope, despair and every feeling in between that I was experiencing. Although each of us were facing unique diagnoses and our own individual choices about how to move forward, we were there for each other and we understood, we got it. I truly believe that I would have never survived the year of treatment, miscarriage, waiting and yet more treatment that I underwent before having my daughter without the support and love I found in the infertility community. And what's more, I believe that the love and true hope I was given by this community is a big part of the reason my little one is here today.

Last year during NIAW, I did something big. I came out of the infertility closet. Chad and I both shared our struggle and heartbreak with friends and family who previously had no idea we had been trying to start a family, let alone having trouble doing so. The response we received was overwhelming. Not only was the support of the few close friends and family that already knew reaffirmed, but we were blown away by the support we received from others. We also received messages from others that had also been struggling but hadn't been outspoken about it. We felt less alone than we ever had. It was amazing and inspiring.

In the past year I have continued to be outspoken about my journey and reach out to anyone else dealing with infertility in any stage. Just because our experiences are are our own, it doesn't mean we have to face them alone. Just this week I was given an incredible opportunity to help someone on their journey in a concrete way. The other night I logged on to twitter and saw a plea on my timeline for an IVF medication from someone in my local area. A medication I just happened to have left over in my fridge from my own IVF cycle. Chad had actually tried to toss it on more than one occasion but for some reason I never let him. And now I had my reason. I immediately contacted her to let arrange a meeting so that I could give it to her. And of course I will continue to keep in touch with her and send messages of support and hope throughout her cycle, just as this community did for me. And I know I won't be the only one supporting her or the blogger that is recovering from loss or another that is preparing for her adoption homestudy or yet another that is finding peace with living child-free. Because even though each of our journeys are different, we are here for each other. Years ago, I kept my struggle and my pain a secret because I believed that I had to face these things alone, now I know better. Over the past year and a half my own myth has been busted. Infertility is a very personal journey but it does not have to be a lonely one.

For more information about the basics of infertility please visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
And for more information about National Infertility Awareness Week visit http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

An Unlikely Meeting

2011-04-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

Those of you that know me in real life or have been following my journey for a while now will undoubtedly remember where I was at this time last year. In March of 2010, I had completed my first cycle of IVF and discovered that it had worked and I was pregnant with my little Sprout. By April, both mine and Chad's emotions were in a tailspin of hope, worry and sadness as betas and ultrasounds began to reveal that my pregnancy would not be a viable one. It was and still is the hardest time of my entire life. And the irony of my miracle baby girl being born during the exact same time that my first pregnancy ended in heartbreak has never escaped me. I have often marveled at the coincidence of it and the emotional effect it has on me.

I know to many, Sprout's short time with us doesn't seem so significant, but it is a loss I still feel and probably always will. That will always be my first pregnancy, my first ray of hope and unconditional love for a child of mine. I had a necklace made to memorialize Sprout and have worn it during every major moment during my FET and pregnancy with Snow Pea. I found peace in the belief that Sprout had left my body ready to nurture new life and having that charm close to my heart for transfer, each ultrasound, labor and even Eliana's birth, has helped me keep that connection and that peace. What's really amazed me is the moments I have felt the connection between Sprout and Snow Pea in very unexpected ways.

When Chad and I were hanging by a thread toward the end of my pregnancy with Sprout, we heard the song "Imagine" by John Lennon as we drove to the RE's office and we both felt the comfort of it. We actually heard it nearly every time we went to those appointments and decided very quickly that it was Sprout's song. After the pregnancy ended, we didn't hear it played again until the morning we drove to the office for my beta after Snow Pea's transfer. I will always remember the moment it started playing, Chad and I both froze and looked at each other, with tiny tears in our eyes, and he said "I think Sprout is giving us a sign" And of course, hours later we got the call that the FET had in fact been successful, I was pregnant and this time it went the distance.

In the days right before Snow Pea was born, an even bigger and more surprising connection nearly beat me over the head. I was days from my scheduled induction and trying to stay busy while also finishing any tasks I could pre-baby. I decided to visit the mall near my house to get some yummy chocolates to bring to the nurses when we went into the hospital. As I walked out of the candy store, I saw that a scene had been set and ready for the Easter Bunny's arrival. I was immediately giddy. Holiday fun like that is one of the things I was most looking forward to about mommy-hood and this was the fist time I realized I'd get to celebrate this fun holiday moment with my daughter so soon!

I excitedly called Chad to tell him we just had to take Snow Pea for pictures with the Easter Bunny after she was born, and began looking around the scene for signs indicating how much photos would cost. I couldn't find a price list, but instead I saw a sign that instantly made my eyes water. It said "Sprout, the Easter Bunny, will arrive April 9th". How could my jaw not hit the floor? The Easter Bunny's name is Sprout? And he is coming on my baby's birth date? Does it get more ironic? Why yes, it does. I looked more closely at the scene set for his arrival and saw that on his bunny chair sat a great big Easter basket. Inside there were two big, brightly colored eggs and a pea pod and that was it, nothing else. Sprout had a Snow Pea in his basket. Whoa. I know the whole universe didn't conspire to make all of this happen just for my benefit but suddenly taking my baby girl to get pictures with the Easter Bunny took on new depth. Snow Pea was going to meet Sprout.

Of course, the actual meeting was uneventful for both Sprout the bunny and my Snow Pea, Eliana. She slept through it all in her adorable Easter dress and he held her carefully and sweetly so as not to disturb her, both of them sitting next to the pea prop I made sure was in the picture. But for me it was a bittersweet and wonderful moment. Not only were we there together taking part in our very first holiday tradition as a family of three, but somehow it all made a crazy connection in my heart and gave me a feeling of coming full circle. One year ago exactly I was saying goodbye to my Sprout and now here I am saying hello to my Snow Pea. Last year for Easter, Chad made a basket for Sprout which included an adorable, soft plush chick that for months I had to hide away in a box because the sight of it made me cry. Now it sits in the nursery, a gift from Sprout to Snow Pea.

As I said, I know that to many I may be making way too much out of lots of little things, but it gives my heart a sense of peace to see these connections, whether they are real or imagined. After years of struggle and heartbreak, my first pregnancy was a dream come true and nothing in my life has ever hurt as deeply as when it ended without a child to show for it. And as deeply as I love my daughter, a part of me will still always remember that loss and wonder what might have been. I know this sounds crazy but I continue to find contentment in a thought I had just after my pregnancy with Sprout officially ended. I felt as if Sprout somehow left my body in a state even more ready to grow life. As if, like a truly protective and loving older sibling, Sprout left some special unseen energy to ensure that the next one would grow healthy and strong. These moments, occurring just before learning I was pregnant and just before my daughter's birth, may be coincidence but to me they are signs that my feeling that day was right.

Why So Blue, Baby?

2011-04-19T11:56:00.000-07:00

My baby girl is now nearly 10 days old, and for the first week of her life I was floating so high on a wave of happiness, I began to wonder whether the granddaddy of postpartum symptoms, "the baby blues" would visit me or if I had somehow lucked out and dodged the volatile emotions of the post-pregnancy hormone crash. Over the past few days I have seen that I am in no way that lucky, and I have been a hormonal, crying mess for quite a few of my waking hours.

The good news is I am still head over heels in love with my little girl. And my husband for that matter. If it were up to me and I could make the real world stop, I would hide away with the two of them in a little cocoon for a week or more, not interacting with anyone or anything else. I just want the two of them near me every second and I want everything else to stay at a distance, just for a little while until I feel like me again. But alas, the real world continues to move whether I want it to or not and this is the first morning that Chad has been back to the office. I am actually doing ok with it, mostly because I know he is only staying half a day and then working from home in the afternoon.

The thing making this period of baby blues hard on me is the loop of emotions and thoughts that I just need time to cope with. Not long ago I wrote this post about how excited I was to finally meet my precious Snow Pea, but also about how much I would miss being pregnant. I had no idea just how much I would miss it though. It was my identity for nearly nine months. I don't think it's something you even realize at the time but being pregnant becomes a part of who you are and how the world sees you. It's a lot like leaving a relationship or a job, once it's over, you have to adjust to a new description of yourself, a new role and I miss having "pregnant" be one of my descriptors. I spent years trying to attain that role and I cherished every second, now I am sad to say goodbye to it. I miss being out and feeling that special glow of attention that the belly attracted. I miss talking with friends about the latest symptom or developmental milestone. I miss the special moments with Chad or by myself just rubbing my belly and feeling the life inside. When she was in my belly, I felt every squirm, every hiccup. Chad could lay his head on my tummy and hear every thump of her little heart. I was never alone. No matter what I did or where I went she was always closer to me than anyone had ever been. We were connected.

One of my favorite times of day the past nine months was our mornings together. Each day, me and my belly went for a walk and although I often used that time to catch up on phone calls with friends and family, it was also a special time for me and Snow Pea. I loved seeing my belly grow through my various workout clothes, loved rubbing my tummy as I walked, love the smiles I received from neighbors out tending to their yards as I strolled by. Even more special to me, I realized this morning, was my post walk shower. Every morning, I cranked the Journey station on my Pandora and serenaded my sweet girl with goofy 80's rock ballads, imagining how she would respond to them once she was born after hearing them in utero for so long. For the entire 9 months of my pregnancy I always felt that connection, I always felt her presence, but in the shower this morning I realized for the first time since she was born that I was in there alone. I could sing all I wanted but, Eliana, asleep in the next room, wouldn't hear me. It was a bittersweet realization because I absolutely adore having her in my arms but I also miss having her in my belly. I sometimes still rub my tummy out of a nearly year long habit and feel wistful at the absence of her presence there.

I think part of what makes me miss being pregnant so much though, isn't just the feeling of missing her, it's the way I made the transition from being pregnant to not. I thought I was over it. Days after her birth, before I even left the hospital, I was so elated and so relieved to have my sweet baby in the world, in my arms that I truly felt at peace with my unplanned, unexpected c-section delivery. She was here and that was all that mattered. But now that the dust has settled and the hormones have crept in, I feel robbed of the full childbirth experience and of the time immediately following her arrival into the world. I am planning to write her full birth story soon, hopefully when I am feeling less weepy, so I won't get into a lot of detail now, but I will tell you I was incredibly close to a vaginal delivery and everyone involved did all they could to make that happen, but it just didn't work out. And I am eternally grateful that she is here safe and sound, but I can't help but long for that birth experience and feel jealous of those that have had it.

The worst part of a c-section and what no one ever told me, is that as soon as the baby is free from your body, they shoot you full of drugs that leave you completely out of it, just short of comatose. Which means that I have only the vaguest of memories of those first few moments of her life. She was also born quite a few shades too pale with some swelling on her head on difficulty breathing, so she was taken to the nursery for care and observation and rather than spending those first hours of her life with her and Chad in our own little world, choosing her name and forming a family bond, I was alone and drugged while Chad tried to balance his time between visiting me and her on two different floors of the hospital.

Before you start to worry about me and my mental state, please know that I don't spend every second feeling this way. I am not feeling depressed or irrational. Just blue. It has only been two days of weepiness and it's not constant or overpowering. I do more than cry, I still smile and laugh throughout the day too. I am eating and sleeping and taking care of myself. I don't think there is anything wrong with me, I am just coping with the craziness of these hormonal changes while also coming to terms with a couple of valid, emotional changes. But I have a great support system and some decent coping skills thanks to dealing with the emotions of infertility and the crazy hormonal swings that come with fertility treatments, and this too shall pass. I am just keeping my eye on that light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that I am definitely not the first to have baby blues and that I will come through to the other side of them very soon.

Week One of the Rest of My Life

2011-04-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Precious Snow Pea,

It is 8:57pm, exactly one week to the minute since you were born and changed my life forever. The love and emotion I have experienced this past week are inexplicable in their depth. I always knew that I wanted you. I always knew that I loved you, even before you were conceived, even before your Daddy and I started the long journey to become your parents, even before I met your Daddy and knew that he was where my family would begin, before any of that I knew I wanted you more than anything in the world and that I loved you even more than that. But even knowing those things and feeling those things for as long as I have, still couldn't prepare me for the reality of having you really be here and the overwhelming love I have for you.

I feel unbelievably lucky to be your Mommy. You are so truly amazing in every way imaginable and I have often found myself staring at you this past week, wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve your presence in my life, to be able to call you daughter. For so long I feared I may never get the chance to meet you and I still can't believe you're here. It was a long and heartbreaking struggle for me and your Daddy, and now that you are here with us we truly know how worth every second of that journey was. I would face every challenge and endure every struggle all over again a thousand times if I had to, because there is no joy greater than you.

I will always remember and cherish every second of my pregnancy, of our special time together while you grew and became the little person that you are now. I remember watching with hope and excitement the little white shimmer of you as an embryo on the ultrasound monitor as the doctor transferred you into my body. I remember the tears of joy in your daddy's eyes the day we first saw your tiny flickering heartbeat. I remember the awe with which we watched you grow and change with each doctor's visit and the sheer bliss at feeling you move and kick each and every time. I talked to you often, hugging my belly and telling you how much I loved you. The day we left for the hospital so that you could be born was bittersweet for me, because as I excited as I was to meet you face to face I also realized that I had had you to myself for nine months and now I would have to share you with the world.

And I will always remember that exact moment, when I saw you go from inside my tummy to out into the world. The second I saw your tiny body, I exhaled a breath I didn't even know I was holding and felt peace wash over me. When your daddy brought you to me so that I could meet you face to face, I immediately held on to you and snuggled as much of my body as I possibly could into yours. I wish I could explain how warm and comforted and at peace I felt in those brief seconds when you were in my arms for the first time. Now I have had one whole week of holding and cuddling you and each second of it is better than the last. In so many ways it feels as if you are still snug in my tummy, I admit to having phantom feelings of your movements and hiccups these past few days, but in so many others it seems as if you have always been here a part of our family and our lives. Either way, you have filled up our lives in ways I have only ever dreamed of, and although it's only been a week, I can only barely remember life without you in it.

I love you, Eliana, my precious daughter. I love that you have made Chad a daddy, me a mommy and us a family. This past week I have been so thrilled by every cry, sneeze, whimper, late night feeding and early morning diaper change. I hope you have enjoyed your first week of life because for me it has been nothing short of perfection.

Nearly Wordless Wednesday: Peas Out!

2011-04-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already heard,

I am beyond thrilled to to tell you
that Snow Pea has arrived!

Introducing

Eliana Sue

Born Saturday, April 9, 2011 at 8:57pm
8 pounds, 4 ounces & 19.5 inches

I cannot begin to express just how joyful these past few days since her birth have been. Chad and I have been savoring every single second, even the fussy, sleep deprived ones, we love them all. There are so many thoughts and emotions that I definitely want to write down and share with you all, not to mention her birth story, but I will have to get to that a little later. It is coming though. Thank you so much everyone for all of the well wishes, congratulations, and sweet words of support and encouragement. If you want to see a few more pictures, check my husband's photo blog http://greggpad.blogspot.com/. His caption for yesterday's picture made me teary eyed.

Evicting My Heart

2011-04-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

It's official, Snow Pea has been served a request to vacate. I met with my doctor yesterday and reviewed the current situation. Snow Pea is currently in perfect position and I am dilated about 2cm. The amniotic fluid levels are currently safe but they are definitely on the decline. Because of this, and because we know without a doubt exactly how long I have been pregnant to the minute thanks to FET, Chad, my doctor and I have agreed that if she does not come on her own sooner, I will be admitted to the hospital at 12am on Saturday the 9th to begin the official eviction process. This is not a decision we are making lightly. We have reviewed all the different aspects of what is entailed and reasons to do it versus not, and I truly feel that this is the right choice for us and our baby.

Of course, I am still holding out a bit of hope that she will surprise us all and come on her own before tomorrow night, but I am at peace with the knowledge that either way my sweet baby girl will be in my arms before the weekend is over. It is also incredibly surreal though to have this knowledge though. Part of me feels like a kid the day before Christmas, so excited and giddy and in awe of the day that is about to be here. And another part of me is becoming very sentimental and wistful. My pregnancy is nearly at an end. I truly will miss it. This has been the most magical and wonderful nine months of my life and I have wanted it for so very long. As much as I want to hold my daughter in my arms, I will so miss feeling her inside my tummy. I will miss her hiccups and feeling her kick when Chad reads to her. I will miss rubbing my hand over my belly, knowing that she is on the other side. I am thrilled and honored that I get to be her mommy for the rest of my life, but I also know that I will never be pregnant with her again. As excited as I am to say hello to her and to motherhood, I am a bit sad to say goodbye to pregnancy. Even if I have other children one day, this special time with this special child will never come again. Which, now that I think about it, is a feeling I will experience for the rest of my life. Each milestone she reaches in her life will probably feel a lot like this. I will be over the moon excited to hear her first words and see her first steps, but it will also be bittersweet because it will mark a transition from a stage of her life that I won't get to do over.

Which is why I am taking today to really celebrate my pregnancy and the joy of having my Snow Pea here in my belly, closer than she will ever physically be to me again. I'm taking walks and talking to her as I do, telling her all about the world that is waiting for her. I am rubbing my tummy every chance I get and stopping at every reflective surface I pass to marvel at my pregnant body. After 9 months, I still can't believe it is my reflection I am seeing when I look into a mirror and see a round belly there. I feel so incredibly grateful to be where I am and still don't quite understand what I did to get so lucky. I'm just overwhelmed with love and gratitude for this pregnancy and my daughter.

In addition to being rather emotional and weepy, I am trying to also be responsible and take advantage of these last pre-baby hours. Tomorrow, Chad is taking a half day from work and we are planning to re-pack and be sure we know where everything is, enjoy a meal together, see a movie and take a really good, long nap. I am also planning to take the longest shower in history, because next to sleep, this is one thing all new mothers seem to miss most. I am also wracking my brain to think of any other errands, chores or fun activities I should do now while it is still possible. If you have any other suggestions or things you wish you had done those last days before baby, please feel free to share!

Right now, sitting alone in my house, quietly writing this blog, I keep thinking about how different life will be soon and I can't quite wrap my head around it. Things will never be the same. I will not be able to think of only myself anymore, or be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, like sitting here in the middle of the day, aimlessly writing a blog with no distractions or interruptions. Even though pregnancy requires you to think about the life inside you and it effects the choices you make, I know it will be nothing compared to motherhood. This morning when I woke up, I could still roll over and hit snooze, but I won't be able to do that with a crying baby. Far beyond things like that however, I know my heart will never be the same. I already love this child so much more than I ever could have imagined or explain. And even though she hasn't been born yet, I know that the saying about being a parent is to have your heart walking outside your body is true. My love for my daughter has already forever changed me and I can't wait to tell her how much I love her face to face.

In Due Time

2011-04-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

Today is April 2, 2011. I have been reciting that date for nearly 9 months, every time someone asked me when I was due. And here it is, the official due date. My daughter on the other hand does not seem especially interested in such dates or predictions as she has given no indication that she is in a hurry to join the outside world yet.

My last appointment with Dr. Casual was Wednesday and we learned that Snow Pea has definitely dropped into position but other than that progress has still been slow. I was dilated about 1.5cm and still not fully effaced. There was enough progress though to justify stripping my membranes again. It was definitely not the most comfortable experience, but we were all hopeful it would work. As you can tell from the subject of this post, it didn't have the desired effect so now I have an office appointment this upcoming Wednesday to evaluate induction options. Unless of course, she decides to come on her own sooner, which of course we're all hoping for.

Unlike my labor progress, Snow Pea's growth progress has not been so slow. According to the ultrasound measurements she is keeping up with the half pound a week weight gain and was measuring 8.5 pounds. Which means if she does indeed stay put until Wednesday there is a very real possibility that I will be giving birth to a 9 pound baby! Being born at less than 7 pounds myself, I never would have expected this, but I know I won't be the first to deliver a 9 pound baby and honestly her size doesn't worry me when it comes to labor any more than if she were 6 pounds. It is really the clothes I can't stop thinking about! I have the greatest homecoming outfit specially made for Snow Pea by a wonderful friend from twitter and there is a very good chance she will never fit into it. But really I know that I could bring her home in a potato sack and I wouldn't care because it is HER I am dying to see, not her cute, tiny clothes.

Snow Pea though, does not seem nearly as anxious to see us as we are to see her. I have the distinct feeling that is just nice and cozy in there and doesn't feel like moving yet. Her daddy is the same way when he is comfortable, he just doesn't want to budge and he is incredibly stubborn about it. I can't count the number of times I have heard him whine "just 5 more minutes" only to find him in the exact same position half an hour later. Even though I can't actually hear Snow Pea's voice yet, I get the sense that she is doing the same thing. She would come out, she is just way too comfy right now.

Watching my due date come and go without her arrival isn't exactly what I was expecting or hoping for but I do know that she has to come eventually. There are only so many times she can hit the snooze button before she really does have to get up. I wish I had met her days ago, but the day is coming, it will happen and it will be amazing whether it is today or 3 days from now. She can't stay in there forever, right?

Labor Cookies

2011-03-28T15:59:00.000-07:00

The countdown continues...5 days until Snow Pea's official due date. Chad and I keep hoping that she will decide to make an early appearance but it seems she is still pretty comfortable for now. So this weekend we split our time between enjoying quality pre-parent time together and trying everything we could think of to coax our daughter to come out and meet us.

I have been talking to her a lot, telling her all about the world that is waiting to meet her, and how amazing it all is. I love sitting in her room and feeling her move while I talk to her or sing her song. Chad has also been reading to her, the same book he has read since Christmas, and it always seems to get a reaction from her. I especially make sure he emphasizes the last lines "It's a scrumptulous world and it's ready to greet you, and as for myself, well I can't wait to meet you!" I know that technically she can't understand what we are saying but I think the feelings get through, and she knows how much we love her and can't wait to be her mommy and daddy.

We have also been trying some more direct approaches to help labor along, like walking, lots and lots of walking. Saturday I think we walked a total of 5 times. Every time we realized that we had nothing specific we were doing, we walked. It clearly didn't start my labor yet, but it still felt good to get out and about. Chad has also very kindly been rubbing my feet after these walks, paying extra close attention to the supposed acupressure points located there that are said to cause contractions. A twitter friend also gave me link to a recipe for so-called "Jump Start Your Labor Cookies", which you can read about by clicking here. Of course, I have never thought there was any real way something I eat could cause labor to start, but honestly the recipe sounded delicious and as soon as I read it I was craving them. Besides, what a great excuse to scarf down some yummy cookies!

So yesterday, we ventured out to procure the ingredients and get baking. Not only was it a lot of fun to spend time in the kitchen with Chad making silly puns and jokes about baking and ovens, I was right, the cookies turned out amazing! So good in fact that of the 3 trays we made yesterday, only 10 cookies remain. Chad was especially addicted to them and had forcibly remove them from sight to stop himself from eating any more. I enjoyed my fair share too, while sipping on red raspberry leaf tea, which is said to strengthen uterine contractions.

As expected, none of this got my labor going, but it was still so worth it and made for a great memory for us. We also took advantage of our weekend and enjoyed a lot of other great moments. Friday night we enjoyed a long, leisurely coffee date and again on Saturday we had nice long lunch together. We slept in every morning and took naps every afternoon. Of course, we both can't help but wish we were sleepily holding our little girl instead, but we know these carefree, rested days will soon be gone, so we are doing our best to enjoy them while we can. After all, even if she decides to come late, she is coming! And in the meantime I am going to continue to enjoy dreaming of her and snacking on some mighty delicious cookies.

A Whole New 2ww...

2011-03-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

As far as the dates go, I have reached the "baby could be here at any moment" stage of my pregnancy. I am 38 weeks and 4 days pregnant with only 10 days left until my official due date. I am due April 2, and since the beginning I have been hoping Snow Pea would have a late March birthday. With only a little over a week left in the month, we will just have to wait and see if that happens or not. Of course, I will be thrilled to meet her whatever day she decides to introduce herself, but after learning at today's OB appointment that she is measuring at about 8 pounds, I am hoping now more than ever that decides to come into the world sooner rather than later.

In addition to estimating my baby girl's weight, which has remained consistent since our first size check, Dr. Casual was also happy to tell me that she has also begun dropping although she still has some room to go and she is still sitting "sunny side-up" facing my front instead of my back, which can make labor harder and more painful. As always, he wasn't at all concerned about her position and said most babies turn around a lot right up until they start moving through the birth canal.

We were also all very curious about whether there had been any progress in my body that would indicate labor might be coming and thankfully I have begun to dilate, but only a centimeter or so. Luckily, that centimeter is all we needed to be able to strip the membranes. When I asked about whether we should do it, Dr. Casual got a bit excited and bragged that not only could we give it a shot, but that when he does it, it almost always works and usually rather quickly. He said he even has a reputation for being effective among the hospital nurses. I figured it was worth a shot so he went ahead and preformed the procedure, which was really more uncomfortable than painful. If it works in starting labor, it should be within the next couple of days, which is insanely exciting, but I also know that it doesn't work for everyone so I am trying not to get my hopes too high.

The big conversation throughout my appointment, was about whether I had been having any labor symptoms. And have I? Well, I sure have been analyzing the hell out of every twinge, twitch and cramp that has graced my body for the past week. With less than two weeks to go and nothing to do but wait, I am having flashbacks to the 2ww of TTCing. It started with the cramps. "Could that be a sign?" "Don't people say contractions feel like cramps in the beginning?" " Let's see what Dr Google has to say." Then came the increasing Braxton Hicks contractions, which I stop everything for so that I can try to note just how strong they are and whether they are happening at regular intervals or not. Last night and this morning I was very nauseous and found myself yet again googling pre-labor signs. Now that I have had my membranes stripped the cramps have gone into overdrive which has my hopes higher than ever. But just like the 2ww when TTC, nothing is conclusive and all I can really do is wait and try to make my brain stop obsessing about when labor will happen. The difference however, and it's a huge one, is that with this 2ww I actually know how it will end and the ending is a great one. The best one in the world actually, the one I have been waiting years for! Even if it takes another 2 weeks instead of another 2 days, in the end I WILL be a mom and there is nothing more amazing or wonderful than that!

Oh! I should also mention I have added a few pics to Snow Pea's baby website. If you want a glimpse of the nursery, check it out http://SnowPea.OurBabyChannel.com

On This Day...

2011-03-18T12:47:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of dates happening right now that I can't help but remember and reflect on their significance. Some of them happy, some sad, and some a strange mix of the two.

One year ago today, I was pregnant. Or if you want to look at it in the terms of the TTC community, I was technically PUPO, pregnant until proven otherwise. My first IVF transfer was exactly one year ago yesterday and one year ago today, Chad and I were a bundle of excitement, anxiety and nerves hoping that the transfer would be a successful one. I remember absolutely everything about how I felt that day. It was even more special and memorable because it was not only the day my little blasties would either implant or not, it was also our 3 year wedding anniversary. We couldn't help but smile nervously with the hope that our baby might be snuggling in on the anniversary of the best day of both our lives.

And less than two weeks later we learned that our Sprout had in fact snuggled in, but sadly didn't continue to grow much longer than that, and by the time April came, instead of being happy and hopeful, we were sad and heartbroken. Which means that many memorable dates of the unhappy kind are ahead of us. And that in itself creates a crazy swirl of emotions inside me. My miscarriage is still the absolute hardest and worst thing I have ever had to experience. And there are still places and things from that time period I can't visit or see without crying. I will always mourn that loss, but I also recognize that I wouldn't be pregnant with this baby, with my Snow Pea, and I love her with all that I am. It is very conflicting to still miss Sprout but to not be able to even think of life without Snow Pea. With her due date fast approaching, I can't help but see the connections and feel the confliction. I didn't even realize until recently that my daughter would be born one year after the same time period as the worst moments of my life. It makes me wonder if her being born at the same time was somehow deliberate, meant to bring us healing and love during a time that we'd otherwise remember as painful.

There are other important anniversaries of our journey to parenthood happening around now. Last year on March 12th, I went in for my egg retrieval where my RE collected 21 eggs, 15 of which fertilized and one of which is now the daughter I have reached a full term pregnancy with. It is crazy to think that my unborn child was conceived over a year ago! And even crazier to think that her future sibling(s) were too! Of course, Sprout was conceived that day as well, so it is a bit bittersweet to think about that day but for the most part it is memory filled with hope and awe at what it has resulted in.

You may have picked up on my mention that one year ago today, I was not only PUPO, but also that it was our 3 year wedding anniversary, which means today is 4 years. And I have to say just how wonderful it is to be celebrating another year of marriage to my partner in life and my best friend. The years we spent facing infertility, the rounds of treatment and the loss of my first pregnancy all roll together into what is hands down the hardest battle either of us have ever dealt with, but having done it together has made us a stronger couple than I ever imagined possible. I knew I was making the best decision of my life the day I literally exclaimed "I Do!" but I didn't know just how right I really was. As memorable as these other dates are and always will be, none of them are as important as March 18, 2007, which was quite literally the best day of my life and the day my family truly began.

Somewhat Wordless Wednesday: Showered With Love

2011-03-09T16:22:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, a couple of kind and generous friends of ours hosted the most wonderful baby shower for Chad and I. I woke up that morning with excited butterflies in my stomach. I honestly could not believe this day had actually come! I felt a similar buzzing excitement that I had experienced on my wedding day, it was like a surreal kind of floating. And I am happy to say the day lived up to my morning feelings. The weather was gorgeous, the decorations were beautiful, the food was delicious, and the love that was showered on us was unforgettable.

beautiful flower arrangements created by one of the hostesses, complete with blue hydrangeas our wedding flower

Our wonderful guests

Since we live thousands of miles away from "home" Chad set up a live web stream so that friends and family on the other side of the country could be at the shower too! We also received lots of surprise gifts and well wishes from across the country
Scrumptious moon cake and fluffy cloud cupcakes!

Snow Pea was definitely showered with love and generosity

Diapers! Score!

My sweet sister in law sent this book which was the design for our invites. The tears couldn't be stopped when we opened the book to hear a recording of our precious nephew singing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" to Snow Pea.

The tears really kicked into high gear when we opened a gift labeled "To Snow Pea from Your Daddy". My mother in law had secretly shipped Chad's childhood best friend, Wrinkles, to our hostess' house and she wisely saved it for last. I can't wait to see our daughter play with such a special gift.

Not only were we blessed enough to have such a perfect baby shower, but the following week Chad's office threw one too! It was so touching to be there and see how much his employees and colleagues cared about him and his impending Daddy-hood. Not to mention how great it is to see people putting as much stock into becoming a father as is usually only reserved for moms. Dads are every bit as important and involved in their children's lives and I always smile when they receive equal respect.

Snow Pea is certainly a lucky girl to be born into a world that already loves her so much!

Holy Moly, Roly Poly!

2011-03-07T19:54:00.000-08:00

There have been a few claims in recent years suggesting that babies conceived through IVF have slightly lower birth weights. A few people I know with IVF or FET babies had an extra ultrasound in their third trimesters specifically to check on growth and development. Snow Pea, however, apparently never got the smaller size memo because according to her size check last week, she is huge!

Last Tuesday, I was 35 weeks pregnant and right on target in every way possible. My fundal measurements were dead on, my weight was exactly where it should be and Snow Pea was positioned just where she should be (firmly on top of my bladder). I was relaxed and prepared for a simple end to our routine check in. Then Dr. Casual dropped the bomb. He measured Snow Pea's head, stomach and femur on ultrasound which estimated that my baby was weighing in at 6 pounds 13 ounces! That's very nearly 7 pounds! With 5 weeks to go and an estimated half pound of growth each week, that is one big baby! To say I was surprised and a bit freaked out is putting it lightly.

Dr. Casual of course didn't seem overly concerned, but I could tell he was bit surprised too and he kept mentioning that if she were to be born early, she wouldn't be larger than average at birth. He also reviewed our birth plan and specifically let us know that although I am 37 weeks pregnant, if I were to go into labor at this point, he wouldn't intervene to stop it. He didn't say it outright but both Chad and I could tell he was hoping for labor to start sooner rather than later. He also repeated more than once that he would keep a close eye on her growth in the coming weeks. I just cannot believe this baby could be so big! At 35 weeks the typical fetal weight is about 5 pounds 4 ounces, which means Snow Pea is a full pound and a half bigger than average! The doctor did let me know that these measurements can be off by about 10%, but even subtracting 10% from her estimate would still have her larger than normal.

As we scheduled our next appointment, the nurse at the counter commented that she'd see us next week, if I make it that long anyway. After some nervous laughter, Chad and I rushed home and made sure the hospital bag was packed and ready. Not that we thought things would start immediately, but our doctor's visit made us realize just how close that trip to hospital really is, especially if Snow Pea keeps growing at this rate.

Being the research obsessed person that I am, I have since spent all week trying to learn all I can about the accuracy of ultrasound for predicting fetal weight with very mixed results. I consulted friends, family, message boards, and research studies and they have all ranged in answers from very accurate to not even close. I also spent some time looking into what causes some babies to be bigger than others. Genetics is one of the biggest factors, but genetically I am relatively average, borderline small and my birth weight was only one ounce more than Snow Pea's current estimate, and I was born nearly two weeks late! The other factors are gestational diabetes, which I do not have, and excessive weight gain which I also do not have. I have also heard from just about everyone I have seen that I am carrying small for 8 months pregnant. So why the big baby? If any of you have had ultrasounds to estimate your baby's size before birth, please feel free to share your experiences with their accuracy or anything else I should know.

Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy or disappointed in any way about this news, sure there are a few cute newborn outfits that may be too snug for her, but overall the great news is that my baby is thriving and healthy. I am just surprised, and honestly a teeny bit nervous about whether this will make labor and/or delivery more difficult. I also want to do everything I can to avoid a c-section and I know many doctors and hospitals are more prone to performing them if they suspect that the baby is large. I'm 36 weeks pregnant now, and I go back to see Dr. Casual tomorrow. Hopefully we will get a better idea of what is happening in terms of development. I am also planning to ask about a cervical check to see whether anything has started happening. The exciting side of this is that it does increase the chances that I will be holding Snow Pea in my arms before the month is over! Both Chad and I are crossing our fingers for that to be the case. Our bags are packed, the nursery is just about finished and we are as ready as anyone possibly can be before their whole lives are completely changed forever. Now we just have to wait patiently until Snow Pea is ready to come along and make that change happen.

You may have noticed that I mentioned the nursery is just about finished, so yes, that does mean pictures will be coming soon. Also, I have baby shower pics on the way. Stay tuned...

Getting Away

2011-02-25T14:02:00.000-08:00

And the countdown continues. Tomorrow I will be 35 weeks pregnant which means there only 5 weeks to go until Snow Pea's due date. I can't even begin to tell you how excited, nervous, anxious and generally amazed both Chad and I are that we are going to actually, finally be parents soon. It still feels like a dream I am bound to wake up from at any moment. But before the dream ends I have been doing my best to get everything ready for baby, just in case this really is real life. And that includes taking the time to do things for me and for us as a couple.

A few weeks ago we ventured a few hours away from home to San Luis Obispo, for a long, relaxing weekend together. Chad and I love to travel. Whether it is a day trip to the mountains or a weeks long adventure in Europe we are always going somewhere, doing something. We of course, have every intention of continuing this with our daughter as well, but we also recognized that this is our last opportunity to truly get away just the two of us.

The weekend was everything a "babymoon" should be. We had long dinners, took leisurely strolls around town, enjoyed live theater, talked late into the night while gazing at the stars and probably most importantly, we took advantage of long lazy mornings, sleeping in and enjoying breakfast in bed.

I could go over every detail of our trip but we took a gazillion pictures so I figure it might be more fun to look at a few of those instead.
First stop was a surprise visit to a local brewery. Chad loves microbrews and trying new places so he was excited that I found this place. I can't tell you whether the beer was good but he liked it and they had some refreshing water on tap. After that we headed to downtown SLO and enjoyed the sights and sounds of the evening farmer's market, including some tasty Central Coast bbq.
The next day, after a very lazy morning of sleep, movies and a late breakfast, we ventured out to do some exploring and sightseeing. We paid a visit to Hearst Castle and a few other local sites before enjoying a leisurely creekside dinner together. We finished the night on our hotel room deck, watching the stars and of course talking all about how much our world will change once Snow Pea arrives.
The following day was a lot like the one before. We slept in, enjoyed breakfast in bed, read on the deck, and then headed out for more local sights and experiences. We strolled along the creek, toured an old mission and left our mark on the famous "bubble gum alley". It is gross but also kind of cool to see. Just don't touch anything!
That night after dinner we saw a live show at The Great American Melodrama & Vaudeville theater. It was an original comedic musical and SO much fun to watch. I absolutely love live theater and seeing a show like this probably won't happen easily for quite a while after Snow Pea's grand entrance, so I am glad there was such a great local theater nearby.
Even though it was technically a long weekend, it still came to an end rather quickly but that didn't mean we could still enjoy the day. We had a late checkout Sunday so that we could sleep in yet again, and on our way out we stopped to see the monarch butterfly migration that happens in the area every year. We watched in awe of the several hundred orange and black butterflies fluttering through the trees and along the beach. It was a gorgeous site to see. This is the part where I could be predictable and spout some metaphor about the butterflies transformation from a caterpillar and how it somehow reflects my own life, but really I was just content to watch the pretty bugs fly around my head while I held my husband's hand with the realization that one day soon my other hand will be holding my daughter's.

p.s. I realize I didn't post any good belly shots but I've added a couple new pictures to the baby website if you're interested in seeing more bump http://snowpea.ourbabychannel.com

Infertility Gratitude

2011-02-18T16:43:00.000-08:00

I'm tired, my back is killing me, my rib cage feels like it will burst at any second, and don't even get me started on how swollen my feet are. As I enter the final 6 weeks (!!!) of pregnancy, I can almost understand why I have heard so many pregnant women exclaim that they can't wait for it to be over. I know I am truly excited to meet my daughter and become a mommy, but despite all of the aches and pains I can't say that I am ready for it to be over yet. Not only do I still have a TON to do, I still absolutely love being pregnant! And oddly enough, I think I have infertility to thank for that.

At the beginning of this pregnancy, I had a hard time accepting it was really happening and allowing myself to celebrate. After 3 years of infertility and a miscarriage, my heart was very guarded and afraid. To be honest, it goes even deeper than that because so much of what I have experienced has changed me forever and I will always be a different person than I was before infertility, IVF, and miscarriage became a reality in my life. The good news is I like the person I am now, despite the scars, and I did finally begin to allow myself to enjoy my pregnancy, although I have stayed slightly guarded the entire time.

Some of the biggest things that helped me to accept and enjoy being pregnant were the very things I hear so many other non-fertility challenged women complain about. My first bout of gag-inducing, sitting in the bathroom all day, horrendous nausea was cause for extreme celebration! I happily texted and tweeted the world that I had almost lost my lunch. And although, I couldn't get my to-do list done to save my life, I was incredibly thrilled when the first trimester exhaustion took over my life as my sweet baby grew. With each new symptom came new reasons to celebrate. They have continually reminded me that my pregnancy is healthy and that my daughter is thriving.

My heartburn and leg cramps, while painful, have also allowed to have a little glimpse of what it would be like to be a "regular" pregnant woman. Granted, my pregnancy IS completely and totally normal. How I conceived has absolutely no effect whatsoever on how my pregnancy actually develops, but the world doesn't always know that. Many people assume I am high risk because of the fertility drugs or the FET itself, but the truth is my body and the medical community see my pregnancy as if it had begun the old-fashioned way. But even though I know that to be true, with everything I have gone through to be here and everything I know as a result, I very seldom feel "regular".

I can't imagine what it would feel like to be one of the blissfully unaware. One of those ladies that chucks her birth control and just lets nature take its course, and then have that actually work without any additional knowledge or intervention. How amazing it must be to experience pregnancy without all the worries and baggage that come along with surviving infertility, or to be able to share every teeny milestone and ultrasound picture without infertility survivor's guilt, or to have extra money to start your child's college fund instead of paying back IVF induced debt. I wonder how many of the families who experience a struggle-free road to pregnancy know how lucky they are. I also wonder if those who have never experienced loss know it too. What I wonder most though is what kind of pregnant woman I would have been if had never gone through what I did. Would I rejoice over back pain? Or would I be on Facebook complaining about my sore muscles at every opportunity?

I am in no way trying to attack or criticize anyone who has not dealt with loss or infertility, merely trying to explain how different the experience is for me because I have experienced these things. I think in many ways that what I have gone through to become a parent has been a blessing. My husband and I have developed a closeness and a connection deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I have found a wealth of love and support from friends and family and met new friends that have enriched my life beyond belief. I have learned more and more about the realities of infertility and become a part of the voice for advocacy in the infertile community. I am now proud to be outspoken and educate others on these issues. I have enjoyed every single moment of my pregnancy, even the difficult and painful ones. I also have a feeling that our experiences with infertility will keep Chad and I thankful later when we're dealing with the realities and challenges of parenthood. And even though I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have had an easier road to becoming a mom, I can't imagine my journey any other way, and for that I am grateful.

What's Up, Doc?

2011-02-11T17:17:00.000-08:00

They say a good man is hard to find, but I am in having the opposite dilemma in that I have found two good men and now I can't decide between them. Let me clarify, I have found two great doctors, pediatricians to be exact, and choosing which should be Snow Pea's doctor is proving more difficult than I could have imagined!

If you follow me on twitter or know me in real life you may have noticed my recent obsession with picking the brain of anyone who has ever dealt with pediatricians and getting their perspective on what they did and didn't like about their baby doctor. In the end, everyone comes to the same conclusions- I should go with who I "click" with best and who offers the best services and strategies to suit me and my style, always remembering I can change doctors later. The problem is that the two practices I am trying to decide between can both easily fit that description but for different reasons. Both have flaws but none of them deal-breakers, and both have great qualities but none of them enough to outshine the other. Basically, I like the doctor at one practice a bit better, but I like the overall conveniences of the other practice a bit better. It all comes down to which is more important to me, but I don't know what that is yet.

So I am asking for yet more help, advice and input on the matter. If you have already given me your two cents, please don't hesitate to do so again. I would be more than thrilled to hear what you have to say one more time because there is a good chance I have already forgotten parts of it.

So here is the breakdown. We'll start with Doctor A. Doc A is in a solo practice which means we will only see him and he would be able to really get to know our baby, but it also means that if he is out of town or sick we get a "temp". It also means that if he is very busy we could have a long wait. When we met him he gave the impression that he provides very individualized care for each child and takes the time to get to know the whole family in order to best meet each child's unique needs- he doesn't take a one method fits all approach. He has a well baby schedule of exams every month for the first six months and then at 9 and 12 months. He vaccinates with 2 shots at a time using this monthly schedule. He located on the same property as the hospital we would use if we ever needed to (heaven forbid). It's very close to home and the drive is easy but the parking can be really bad depending on how busy the hospital is.

Doctor B on the other hand is a member in a group practice that has six different doctors. He would be our primary pediatrician but if the office is busy or in case of an emergency we would be able to see one of the other docs. Everyone in the office is friendly and easy to talk to but they don't seem as individualized in their care. Everyone in the practice, including our favorite doctor, basically just follows the recommendations of the American Academy of Pediatrics when it comes to medical care, although they did say that they often turn to each other for opinions and advice when needed since they all have different levels of experience and background. They follow the 2,4,6,9, 12 month check up schedule and the CDC recommended vaccines at each visit. They are a bit farther and require a freeway to get to but with the carpool lane it is not too bad and their parking lot is much easier to navigate.

Both docs have sick and well doors/lobbies, nurses to answer emergency questions after hours, and similar weekday only office availability. They are both very supportive and encouraging of breastfeeding which is important since I very much hope to nurse exclusively for the first six months.

Basically, I like Doc A as a doctor and I like Doc B as a practice and unfortunately I cannot combine the two. So now I am trying to figure out what matters to me more. I keep looking at the big differences and trying to choose which I am more comfortable with and I just don't know. On one hand I can see monthly visits being overkill, on the other I can see it providing Snow Pea with an extra level of care. With vaccines, I am initially more comfortable with the idea of breaking them up, but then I wonder if getting them out of the way all at once wouldn't be easier on the baby and on me. I have heard from many moms that baby's first shots are an emotional experience. And the logistics matter too because I know a doctor's visit will be that much more frustrating for Snow Pea and me if we have to hunt for parking or wait for hours to be seen.

So please, pretty please, if you have ANY insight or advice on any of these points, please feel free to share! I know that I won't really know which is the best fit until my daughter is already a patient, so I would love any real world experiences since I don't have my own yet. Is the monthly schedule overkill or is it a welcome way to know more about what's happening with your little one? Did your baby still get fussy and feverish with a split vaccine schedule or did it seem to lesson the side effects to break them up? Is a great doctor worth waiting for or would you rather see an ok doctor and be able to get in and out? I know everyone has a personal preference and no one can make these choices for me, but the more I hear about the reality the easier it is for me to decide which option fits our family best.

I honestly had no idea this choice would be so difficult. I almost wish we hadn't decided to interview more than one doctor because then it would have been much simpler. We like the first one we met, just as we did with our RE and our OB, so we would have picked him. Normally I would just blame my usual indecisiveness for this difficulty but Chad has been just as hard of a time and for all the same reasons. We both keep going back and forth because there is no clear right choice. In the end though I know that either choice is a good one so there is no losing, just deciding. We'll get there, just hope we can do it sooner rather than later- only 7 weeks to go!

I'm Cute!

2011-02-08T18:27:00.000-08:00

I've been awarded! Seems like even though I am more and more of a blog slacker, there are still lovely readers that heart my blog and think I'm cute. I am incredibly honored. Thank you so much to First Time Mom at Baby Alexander The Great for reading my blog and honoring me with this award!

Here's the CUTE award!!

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 confessions.
3. Award 7 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

7 Confessions:
1. I had my tongue pierced for my 18th birthday and took it out on my 21st. It was my way of bridging the "adulthood gap"
2. The only other piercing I've ever had is the one standard ear lobe piercing, which I got for my 13th birthday.
3. I still use a handwritten planner and keep it with me religiously. I am lost without it
4. I have a turtle shaped scar on my back as the result of a high school friend that was a true backstabber.
5. The 2nd part of #4 is a lie. I have the scar but it's really from a mole removal when I was a teenager. I just like to come up with more "creative" stories about where it came from
6. My current dream is to finish my master's degree so that I can teach Women's Studies courses at a community college
7. I've cheated on the pregnancy no-no's a time or two and had a bite of sushi for lunch or a teeny bit of wine with dinner- nothing drastic though, I swear!

Award 7 other bloggers:
1. Lisa @ Three Cats and A Baby
2. Lori @ Love, Life and Infertility
3. Becca @ Liberal Granola Girl
4. Rose @ Not There Yet
5. The Gimlins @ Growing With The Gimlins
6. Ally @ Life's A Beach
7. Sunny Mama @ Sunny Day Today Mama

What A Pain!

2011-01-31T21:30:00.000-08:00

Wow the last few days have been rough! It all started late Wednesday night/early Thursday morning when I woke up in the middle of the night with terrible tooth pain. It was BAD. And being pregnant I could only take regular strength Tylenol, so sleep was very hard to come by. I was luckily able to get in to see the dentist first thing that morning. I was nervous about what would be needed and how it would affect Snow Pea, but I had a note with instructions on dental care from my OB and the dental staff was very concerned about taking every possible precaution for me and baby. I was in pain but at least I was being well taken care of.

After as few X-rays as possible, the dentist determined I would definitely need a root canal, as I had suspected. He prescribed me an antibiotic and scheduled me to see the specialist the following morning. The rest of the day was still pretty rough since I couldn't take much for the pain but I somehow managed to fall asleep and make it into see the specialist the next morning. I tried to relax as much as possible which was especially tough considering I have a long time anxiety issue when it comes to any kind of dental work. I used to have to take anti-anxiety meds just for a cleaning! Luckily, I have been getting better and the staff once again did all they could to put my mind at ease.

Unfortunately, I couldn't explain what was going to Snow Pea, and once the drill started she began moving like crazy! I can only imagine how shocking the loud sound and vibrations must have been to her. Poor thing must have been so startled and confused. Once it was all over I could feel her calm down considerably though and the good news is the hard part is now over. I do need to go back for a build-up and crown though but there is much less work involved at those appointments.

So no more tooth pain, yay! But of course that just meant a new pain was headed my way because by the end of that night I had developed a different kind of infection thanks to the antibiotics that are treating my tooth. Many of you ladies probably know what I am referring to as I know that many of us suffer these infections from time to time, especially when the natural "good" bacteria in our bodies dies off and things get out of control. If you're not sure what I am talking about, all I will say is that it is downright miserable, especially when it starts on a weekend and you have to wait until Monday to see your OB to do anything about it.

Today is finally Monday, so I was able seen this afternoon and hopefully the prescription I received will have me back to normal very soon. I especially hope to be back to my old self my the weekend because Chad and I are planning a mini "babymoon" weekend. We love to travel and plan to continue our trips and excursions with our daughter, but this will be our last chance to spend this kind of time together as a twosome and I am really looking forward to it.

Since I was already in the office, the NP decided to do my bi-weekly check as well and everything is still right on target. I have lost some weight since my last check up which made me a little nervous at first but she didn't seem concerned about it since my measurements are all right where they should be and showing healthy growth. I am thinking it is must just be the normal fluctuations of water retention, which has me convinced my bloggy friends were right when they said that regular weigh ins during pregnancy aren't necessarily the greatest idea.

She used doppler instead of an ultrasound to check on Snow Pea so I don't know what position she was in, but even if we had seen her I bet she would have moved completely an hour later. She does not stay still! She is not just kicking in there, I can feel and even see her moving and rolling over and flipping from side to side. The other night she was curled into one side of my belly and totally changed the shape of it from round to some sort weird oblong, oval. Then last night she seemed to be fist pumping into the side of of tummy as Chad and I watched the little bump rise and fall repeatedly right next to my belly button. I thought she was moving a lot before but now it really does look like she is trying to break free through the front of my stomach. It is crazy to feel but even crazier to watch! I can't believe how much of it I can actually see.

Since she was so active and so clearly close to my skin last night, we decided to listen to her on our doppler and for the first time since we got it, I heard her actual heartbeat and not just the whooshing sound of blood moving through her body. Both sounds are effectively the same thing and I love them both, but this was especially exciting because the noise was so distinct and so clear! It was so similar to the sound you hear when resting your head on someone's chest except a heck of a lot faster. It definitely took me away from my pain and frustration for those few minutes listening to her heart thumping.

Tomorrow is dentist appointment number two of three. I am looking forward to being one step closer to being 100% pain free but I am hoping that any drilling that needs to be done will be at a minimum for poor Snow Pea's sake. I hate being at the dentist but I hate having to put her through it along with me even more.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again

2011-01-26T17:56:00.001-08:00

This past week I was working on updating my Belly Book pregnancy journal, reviewing past blog entries to double check on certain dates and events when I came across this: "I am continuing to stay hopeful I will hold Snow Pea in my arms, happy and healthy very soon. 9 weeks down, 31 to go." Now take that time line and reverse it. Holy crap, right? I .mean, WOW! seriously, has that much time passed already? In all fairness, I am not officially 31 weeks until this Saturday but still, the time reversal applies. My baby girl will be here before I know it! And there have been lots of little ways I have been reminded of that lately.

Shopping for instance. I was at the store today and had lots of big reminders of my nearing due date in my face as soon as I walked in the door, namely lots and lots of Easter gear for sale. Snow Pea is due 3 weeks before Easter so seeing plastic eggs, wicker baskets and pastel candies everywhere really made me notice that she will be here sooner rather than later. Of course, I know retail sores do tend to push this stuff on to the shelves way before it's necessary, but even though I always mock the early holiday sales, those events do tend to get here quicker than I expect.

We also have finally begun preparations on Snow Pea's room. We live in a two bedroom and we've had quite a few guests in the past couple of months, so we delayed converting our guest room for a little while so that our visitors would have a comfy bed to sleep on. After visiting for two fantastic weeks, my little sister just left yesterday and by the end of the night our guest bed had found a new home. Today, I began boxing and moving all of our books and Friday we have painters coming to turn the wall from neutral to nursery. I can't wait to really get this room going and see it go from an office/guest room into our baby's room! I promise to post updates and pics.

Yet another reminder of just how close my due date is getting, tomorrow is our last childbirth class. It feels like we just started them and now they are already at an end. This past Sunday we also had a tour of labor/delivery and the mother baby unit at our hospital. It was so exciting to see the rooms that Snow Pea will be born in. The rooms are really nice and some even have gorgeous ocean views. I know I am probably a freak but I am starting to get so excited about the birth! Not just the end result of finally meeting my daughter face to face, I am also excited to experience labor and delivery itself! I know I might not still feel this way when it really does get close though, so feel free to remind me I said this. The tour made me realize I am a little behind on preparing though. Apparently I should have pre-registered at the hospital by now and I have yet to do that but luckily it's as easy as mailing in a form and a copy of our insurance card so I am not worried about getting it done.

Oh and last week I got to see my OB again, and this time I saw MY doctor and not his annoying alternate. This visit went so much better than the last. Dr. Casual continued to be true to his nickname and was very relaxed and laid back throughout the visit. We discussed how classes were going, our search for a pediatrician and touched on some basic labor preferences like whether I'd like an epidural. He did a short ultrasound that showed Snow Pea is currently breech but he said chances are she will turn head down in plenty of time for delivery since only about 3% babies that are breech at this point still are by the time they are full term. Then he pointed out the position of her head inside my tummy and showed Chad and I so that we could actually grab her head through my skin! It was crazy! Very weird and surreal but also kind of cool.

I am sure some of you are also wondering if Dr. Casual discussed the weight concerns with me but he didn't even mention it and I didn't bring it up. I am officially of the position that my last appointment had much more to do with water retention than anything because at this visit I was a full four pounds lighter than the last. This just reaffirmed for me that I will not be seeing Dr. Inconsiderate again if I can help it and that all of you were completely right when you told me not to worry. Thank you so much to everyone that sent comments of support. You have no idea how much it really did help.

Overall, though I just can't stop thinking about that blog I wrote at 9 weeks and how much has happened since then. It feels like some sort of crazy time warp sometimes. Honestly, it feels like just yesterday I was anxiously writing about my beta results, still in utter disbelief that this FET worked and now here I am anxiously searching for a pediatrician and hoping I can get the room finished in time. Part of me can't wait for Snow Pea to be here but another part of me will be sad to see this time come to end. As an infertility and IVF survivor I have definitely had a different and sometimes more anxious pregnancy than many others may have, but overall I truly have enjoyed being pregnant these past 7 months. It has been a dream come true. From seeing the 1st flutter of a heartbeat to feeling those 1st flutters to experiencing real kicks and the bonding that comes with them, there have been some amazing moments so far. Sometimes I wish I could take a jump to the left and a step to the right to relive some of those magical moments of this pregnancy all over again. Luckily, I still have 2 months left to enjoy and I will definitely soak up every second.

P.S. My hubby started a project 365 that will follow us in 2011 through a picture a day. Please stop by and take a look! It started on January 1st so feel free to scroll back see what we've been doing so far this year. http://greggpad.blogspot.com/

We also have a baby website with more belly and u/s pics as well as a timeline of Snow Pea's growth and a doppler video. I will continue to update it with news and pictures so please stop by if you're interested! http://snowpea.ourbabychannel.com/

Class Is In Session!

2011-01-13T11:56:00.000-08:00

With the start of the new year, I started the 3rd trimester which means there has been a lot more to think about. Namely, the fact that my sweet little Snow Pea, is getting much bigger every day and getting ready to make her debut into the world! It's just unbelievable to me much closer that day is, and we are trying to do a lot to get ready for it.

Last week was the big preparation kick off. Chad and I went to our first class on childbirth, which gave a great overview of the process, steps and choices during labor and delivery. This was just a free, one time class offered by a cord blood banking company in our area, but we still learned a lot and it made us more excited than nervous for what's to come. Thanks to the nurse who taught this course, I can now say for certain that I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions for the past two weeks. Wow is that a weird feeling! The first time I really felt one it seemed like Snow Pea was trying push her way out of my tummy through my belly button! Now that I know what it is though, I often go through the day barely noticing them.

We also attended a breastfeeding class offered by the same company and nurse. Chad questioned whether there could really be enough information for us to learn to fill up two hours since he has been reading about it lately, and I also think he wondered whether he really needed to be there since I'd be the one actually doing the breastfeeding. But I thought it was important for both of us to really understand as much as we can and to feel confident so that I'd have a higher chance of success. We really did learn a lot and even though we had both read some of the information before, it reinforces it to have an expert you can talk to face to face to reinforce it. My goal is to breastfeed exclusively for 6 months, but I know it is not always easy, so I am happy to use all of the resources I can find.

And in the end, Chad was of course, really glad he came. He is loving all things "baby class" and told me to sign us up for anything and everything. In a few weeks we will be going the class on baby basics as well where they go over everything from to feed and change a diaper to infant CPR. As a longtime nanny of infants, I have the diaper changing stuff down but Chad has vowed to make his first diaper change his child's so I think he'll have a lot of fun at this one.

For myself, I have started attending a pre-natal yoga class. I've been twice now and I really think it is helping my posture and the soreness I was starting to get in my back. It is also very relaxing, and the instructor has given me a lot of great tips for comfortable positions and breathing to use during labor. She also teaches a Mommy & Baby class, which I think will be great once Snow Pea is born.

In addition to all this learnin' we've been doing, we also started meeting with pediatricians. This is the part that really makes Snow Pea's impending arrival feel real, because even though I have had a doctor to get me pregnant and then a doctor to see me through my pregnancy, now I have to think about getting her a doctor of her own! The man we met with yesterday is full of energy and seems to share a lot of our philosophies. Chad and I both really liked him and can see him being very good at treating kids of all ages. He has a solo practice though, so in a couple weeks we are also going to the open house at a group practice that was recommended to me so that we can compare and make an informed decision.

I have really loved these past few weeks getting educated and ready for the day we bring Snow Pea home in my arms instead of in my belly. In addition to all of the classes and meetings, we have both been reading up on different theories and styles of caring for infants and discussing the ideas that work for us and the ones that don't. I know we can parent without the books, but looking into the different schools of thought on feeding, sleeping and infant care now while I am still pregnant gives us the opportunity to really find out where we stand on these choices and to feel prepared to put them into practice when the time comes. And honestly the more I read and the more we learn, the more excited I am for that "put it into practice" day to be here! I can't wait for the parenting part!

Chad has been such a big part of this process and I have to say that seeing him so involved in this pregnancy and getting ready for our daughter makes me melt in a whole new way. Today marks 8 years that Chad and I have been a couple and I know it's cliche but I really do love him more and more every day. He is my lego, we fit together, and seeing him so excited about becoming a dad just reaffirms that. Since we got married, we save our "anniversary" for that date, but I have taken to calling today our non-iversary, because it is still a special day to me. So to celebrate 8 years we are doing what else? Going to another class! Tonight, we start the 3 week long childbirth preparation class at the hospital. I'm so excited to learn more about preparing and relaxing for labor and practicing all of the "Bill Cosby" breathing techniques.

Of course, I know that no matter how much I read or how many classes I take, nothing will fully prepare me to go through the realities of labor and delivery or for parenting itself, but I am excited to take on the challenges of motherhood and to have another opportunity to learn something from it each and every day .

Weighty Realizations

2011-01-04T14:42:00.000-08:00

Today is results day. My one hour glucose tolerance test for gestational diabetes test was last week and this morning I went in for my bi monthly OB appointment, knowing that I would also be getting back the results of that test. I, of course, like anyone else, hoped that I would pass so that I could avoid the longer, more involved 3 hour glucose tolerance test and strict gestational diabetes diet. I felt pretty optimistic this morning that I would get good news though, and enjoyed my drive to the office as I stared in the rearview mirror at the gorgeous snow covered mountains behind me. Now that I have been to my appointment, I have good news and bad news.

Throughout my pregnancy, it has been important to me to keep my weight gain within the recommended limits. I haven't been counting calories or obsessing over what to eat, but I have been mindful of it, and also been staying active with daily walks (usually twice daily if my schedule allows it). I have a had a few tiny jumps in weight gain, and although my numbers have been higher than I expected at some OB visits, I have always stayed within the range. After my last OB visit, I resolved to be easier on myself mentally and not worry about whether my weight gain was a pound or two higher than expected since, while occasionally on the high end, I have still consistently stayed in the healthy range.

I haven't gotten much bigger since my last appointment and I've been told by a few friends that I still don't even look pregnant except for my round belly. I am still able to cross my legs, move around easily and even wear some pre-pregnancy clothes (including at least one pair of pants!) With this appointment being right after the holidays, I fully expected my number on the scale to be a bit higher than what is expected in a two week period. But having this in mind, I was prepared and I felt good. I was not, however, at all prepared for what actually happened this morning. I stepped on the scale totally ready for a higher than normal 3 pound jump, but instead I shot up 6! In two weeks! Which puts me over the recommended weight gain for this stage of pregnancy. In fact, after today, I have just about reached my total recommended weight gain for the entire pregnancy, and I still have 12 weeks to go. I did not handle this realization well. At all.

As soon as the nurse left and I had time to process what the scale had said, I got a little teary eyed. Then Chad hugged me and tried to soothe me and I teared a little more. Then I tried to articulate why I was so upset and a full tear made it out and rolled down my cheek. Then the OB came in and asked what was wrong and I lost it. Full on cry fest in the exam room. It was mortifying but I couldn't make it stop. I told her my concerns and after looking at my chart, she agreed that, yes I was gaining too much. Well, that didn't help the sobbing. She kept saying it would be ok and that I'd just have to eat well and exercise from here on. Which pissed me off because I have been doing that! I will admit, I have not eaten nearly as well or exercised as much over the holidays, but I also have not been stuffing my face with fries and milkshakes and I have still gotten a few good walks in.

The whole thing just made me feel so bad about myself. I have worked so incredibly hard to get here and I was already failing as a mother, not taking good enough care of myself or my baby. I just couldn't stop crying. And for some reason, me crying made Dr. Inconsiderate keep talking about it. All I wanted her to do was stop. The more she talked, the more I wanted her to shut up. I kept trying to pull myself together but her chit chat about how it was bad but not that bad and I could turn it around and slow things down and yadda yadda yadda just kept me from being able to take a deep breath and calm down. I know she was trying to help, but really she was making it worse. Finally she left the room to get my glucose test results and I was able to get it together a little bit.

The great news is I passed the glucose test with flying colors. No gestational diabetes for me and no need for the 3 hour test. The bad news is, I am on the carb/sugar restricted diet anyway for my weight gain. The only things I have consistently craved since day one has been cereal and fruit. I am addicted to apples, tangerines, pears and grapefruit as well as just about anything made from grain or rice with milk poured over it. Turns out that my biggest pregnancy cravings, while they haven't been fast food or doughnuts, are still my biggest downfall. These foods are filled with pound packing carbs that apparently are sabotaging my healthy goals. So now I have to give them up. Which really doesn't bother me nearly as much as the risk of hurting mine or Snow Pea's chances at having the rest of this pregnancy and the following labor/delivery being as healthy as possible. But it still kinda sucks.

I am also incredibly embarrassed that my emotions got the better of me while at the OB's office. I keep daydreaming about going back to do this morning's appointment over again, this time without looking at the scale or having the subsequent melt down. I had other things I wanted to talk about and go over but once the weight conversation started, pretty much everything else was out the window. Luckily, when I go back in two weeks I will be seeing Dr. Casual again and I know that his much more laid back and non-intrusive bedside manner will be much easier to deal with so that I can discuss other things and not worry as much about any of this.

I am trying really hard not to beat myself up about this. I have told Chad I will need his help emotionally to get through the hit on my self esteem, and while I know he has no idea what to do or say, he has really been there with kind, encouraging words and a few wonderfully long hugs. For that I am incredibly grateful. I also can't help but feel guilty for being so upset. Last year, I would have killed to have this be my biggest problem and cried that someone else was crying about gaining extra pregnancy weight when all I wanted to was to be pregnant. And when I remember that, it puts everything into perspective a bit. Am I unhappy about the extra weight? Yes. Would I trade this unhappiness for anything else? Hell no. So, I might go over the recommended weight gain. So, I won't win pregnant woman of the year. So what? I have realized a dream I once feared may never happen. I have a healthy baby growing inside me and that is SO much more important than some stupid scale.

Lemony- Lime Goodness

2010-12-31T14:59:00.000-08:00

Well it is my last blog post of 2010 and if you know about all that has happened in my life this year, I am sure you can imagine that I have a lot to reflect on as we enter into 2011. And of course, I have a lot on my mind and in my heart to blog about on the end of this year and the start of the next. I think I will wait until 2011 has officially begun to share these thoughts though, because there still are a few hours left of 2010 left and I want to be able to reflect on those moments too.

So while I wait for 2011, I will tell you about my very last lab appointment of the year. Yesterday was my glucose test to check for gestational diabetes. I have been kinda nervous about this one from the beginning. No one is ever very excited about getting done it done and the details never sounded particularly fun. If you don't already know, the GD test (which stands for gestational diabetes, not a colorful swear word) basically requires you to fast overnight, then drink a sugary glucose drink in the lab and have your blood drawn exactly one hour later. They test your blood's glucose levels to determine how well your body is processing sugars. If you "pass" you're done and can carry on. If not, you have to test again, this time with a 3 hour glucose test where blood is drawn every hour for 3 hours with nothing in your stomach but the sugary glucose solution.

It might not sound too terrible, and truthfully it's not, but just thinking about not being allowed to eat right when you hit the point of pregnancy where you are literally always hungry, was enough to make me a little anxious. But I scheduled my test early in the day so that I'd only have to starve for that hour plus the time it took me to get dressed and to the lab. And you know what they say about the best laid plans....

I was running a little bit late all morning, with my tummy ferociously growling at me for food. I did my best to push thoughts of food aside and make sure I was ready to walk out the door. I finally made it to the lab only 2 minutes after my scheduled time, which was perfectly fine according the tech. I signed in, handed her my insurance card, validated my parking and moved to sit in the waiting room when she asked for the lab orders I'd received from the doctor. CRAP! I had completely forgotten about that paperwork and left it at home. Of all the preggo brain moments to have, adding a half an hour to my fasting time so that I could go home and get that lab form was the worst! I would have rather been wearing two different shoes, or none at all (as I have heard is a common preggo brain slip) than force myself to wait 30 more minutes before I could eat.

So home I went, and to the lab I returned. And when I got there I was given a small bottle of clear liquid labeled "glucose drink lemon-lime" and was told to suck it down within 5 minutes. Knowing I had to finish it in 5 minutes the bottle suddenly didn't look quite so small, but sucked it down I did. It was cold and sweet and just as others have told me, it really did taste a lot like flat sprite. Snow Pea started bouncing around like crazy the second it hit my stomach and feeling her kick and twirl in my belly actually helped the hour wait for the blood draw pass fairly quickly. There is something about feeling her move like that, that is just awe-inspiring. I frequently get overwhelmed with love for her when she is dancing and making her presence known. I love the feeling so much, and as much as I can't wait to have her out here in the world so we can meet face to face, I know I will miss feeling her sweet little kicks inside my tummy.

Toward the end of my hour, I was admittedly getting a little cranky with no food in my belly but my blood was drawn quickly and easily and I was sent on my way. Then I spent a grumpy few minutes hustling through traffic to Chik-fil-A where I treated myself to the very last chicken biscuit they served that day. Ah food after an 11 hour fast is yummy! I wish I could tell you the results of my glucose test, but you know how lab work goes and it will be a few days to process. Hopefully my doctor's office will have it in time to give me the results at my next appointment on Tuesday. I am really hoping I pass the first time out so that I don't have to take the 3 hour test!

Before I finish up I also want to quickly tell you that last night, Snow Pea really made it know that she knows her Daddy's voice and loves hearing it. I have been trying to get Chad to talk to her more so that she will recognize his voice when she's born. He feels kind of awkward about it though, so for Christmas I got him lots of children's books to read so it would feel less weird. He has read a few times but last night she really got into it. She had been still for a while, but as soon as he started reading, she perked up and began moving almost as fiercely as she had with the glucose that morning. Then I could feel her move across my belly toward the sound of his voice, like she was trying to get closer to him. It was amazing! It reminds me that as much as I love and adore her before she's even been born, she loves us too. I so love these special moments and I can't wait to have even more of them once she is here in my arms.

Happy New Year!

Holiday Hopes

2010-12-25T09:36:00.001-08:00

Happy Holidays to You and Yours!

Happy Heartbeat

2010-12-22T11:56:00.000-08:00

Once again way too long of a break between posts. I am starting to feel like a broken record apologizing for my long blog absences. I am sure you all have been frantically refreshing my page looking for new updates. No? Well, that's ok too.

The past few weeks have been good ones. On December 6, I turned 28. It was a surreal birthday experience. I remembered how difficult and emotional my birthday had felt last year. Birthdays always seem to make us look back at what we wish he had done the previous year and what we hope to do in the new one. For an infertile, birthdays can be especially difficult because each year is a year lost. We know that as we get older the already difficult time we're having creating a family, just gets more difficult. And of course there is always the year you turn the age you always believed you'd be a mother by. That milestone past a few years ago for me, which only made the subsequent childless birthdays that much more emotional. It was bad enough not to be a mom by my "dream age", each birthday I was another year past it!

You may have guessed that, for the past few years my birthday wish has been to get pregnant. Now that I finally am, I was at a bit of a loss as to what to wish for when I blew out the candles this year. It was strange, amazing and wonderful to not know what wish to make this time around. (I finally did figure it out, but I have to keep it to myself or it won't come true!) It was even more wonderful to be celebrating the new life I will be beginning this year- my life as a mom!

More happy things have happened since turning 28. This past Thursday for example was as normal a day as any other until Chad and I were laying in bed. It has become part of his nighttime ritual to rest his hand on my tummy and feel Snow Pea kick. That night, he decided it would be funny to get her to kick him in the head, so he rested his head on my stomach and started talking to get her to move. He got an even bigger surprise though when he realized he could hear her tiny little heart beating through my stomach!. His face was priceless as he realized it and as soon as he told me what he was hearing, I welled up with tears. It was just so amazing! I felt so connected to both Snow Pea and Chad in that moment. Our family felt so real, and I was overwhelmed with love for both of them. I was of course, a teeny bit jealous that I couldn't hear her heartbeat too. I kept telling him how unfair it is that I am so close to her little heart but I can't bend over and hear her. Of course, I have heard her on doppler but it just doesn't seem the same. He tapped the rhythm on my arm for me, as he continued listening until finally we forced ourselves to go to sleep.

Yesterday, I finally got to hear her little heart myself when we went in for a monthly OB appointment. Of course, it was on the doppler so it wasn't nearly as exciting as what Chad got to hear the other night, but it is still the most beautiful sound I have ever heard and I was happy to listen. We met with the partner OB for the first time. Chad refers to her as Dr. Inconsiderate because she accidentally went in to see another patient and after she realized her mistake didn't seem too concerned with having made us wait. I didn't mind too much, but Chad who was on break from a busy day at work was pretty annoyed.

Dr. Inconsiderate was friendly though and said everything was looking perfect with both me and Snow Pea. Her oldest child was born from FET too so it was cool to talk to an OB that really understood everything we had been through to get here. Before the appointment ended she handed me a lab order for the dreaded glucose test and told me I needed to go before my next appointment, which she then informed me would be in 2 weeks! Holy wow! I knew that once you got to your third trimester, appointments were every two weeks, instead of every four, but I can't believe I am about to be at that point!

In case you are wondering, as of today I am 25 weeks 4 days pregnant with about 15 weeks to go! It seems like it is flying by. I guess when compared with how long it took until I had a healthy, viable pregnancy, nine months really isn't a very long time. Although I have heard that time slows down when you get really close to delivery day so we'll see if this warp speed feeling lasts. Maybe it just feels like it is flying by because I am enjoying it so much! Time flies when you are having fun, right? I really am having so much fun watching my body grow with new life and bonding with this little miracle before she is even born. I just can't wait until the day I can hear her sweet heartbeat for myself as she is laying in my arms.

Wordless Wednesday: Modern Miracle

2010-12-08T11:59:00.001-08:00

Our Number One

2010-12-03T14:54:00.000-08:00

Now that I am a few weeks past the half way mark in my pregnancy, I can unequivocally say that I really love being pregnant! My belly is no longer bloated looking but actually round and baby-ish. I won't lie, getting dressed is an epic event every morning as I tear through my closet trying to find something that fits, but once I do I am always excited to see my round tummy in the mirror. I also absolutely adore feeling Snow Pea kicking, flipping, and swimming around inside my belly. She seems to be most active around 10 or 11pm which is perfect timing for me and Chad to lay in bed feel her thumps and bumps. The past few days though the kicks felt a little more scary than sweet.

A few days ago, I was sitting on the couch going about my daily internet habit when I suddenly felt a sharp kick. I smiled and patted my tummy, but a few moments later, I felt a very unnerving and uncomfortable spasm across my cervix. It made me wince in discomfort but I assumed it was just yet another of the weird quirks, pains and aches that come with pregnancy. But it kept happening, and it kept getting more frequent and more uncomfortable. After one evening of quite a few "cervical twitches" that had me jumping in pain and anxiety, Chad was researching the hard to explain symptoms and insisting I call the OB's office first thing in the morning. He is not one to get worried or anxious so seeing him so concerned made more nervous than I already was.

Yesterday morning, I called the office and tried as best as I could to explain what was happening. I was very nonchalant about it, expecting them to reassure me that these feelings were normal and not to worry. Instead, the receptionist asked if I could come in that afternoon and scheduled me for the 1st available opening. Knowing they weren't taking this lightly made me a bit more nervous but I tried to stay busy and optimistic until my appointment.

Finally, 2:45 came. Since my appointment was so last minute, Dr. Casual was unavailable and instead I met with the Nurse Practitioner, I will call her Nurse Understanding because that's what she is! She's simply awesome and totally "gets it". She came in after having read my chart and instantly said how important it is to keep this pregnancy on the safe track after all we went through to achieve it. She asked about my RE and the IVF process and was very attentive and compassionate as she did so. She said she was so thrilled for me and knew how precious this baby is to me. I felt so validated to know that she took the time to learn about our struggle and to honor it.

I explained what was happening a best as I could. She told me she was glad I came in and then checked everything out. I am very relieved and happy to report that my cervix is completely closed and nice and long so there is absolutely nothing wrong with me or Snow Pea. She didn't stop there though. She also did an ultrasound just to give me even more reassurance. The ultrasound confirmed what we suspected- Snow Pea is hanging out very low in my tummy and is extremely active. So those painful spasms turned out to be my sweet baby occasionally using my cervix as her own personal punching bag.

I told Nurse Understanding that I felt silly coming in like this but she reassured me that she would rather see me 100 times and have nothing be wrong than not come in the one time that I really needed to and so I should always call anytime I have questions or concerns. It wasn't doctor lip service either, I could tell she really meant it. She confessed that when she was pregnant with both of her kids, she would sneak into an empty exam room during her lunch breaks and give herself ultrasounds almost daily. Since I don't have that luxury, she treated me to a longer ultrasound and spent time pointing out each of Snow Pea's precious baby parts. She was even thoughtful enough to grab my phone for me so that I could record a video for Chad. During the scan, she flipped on the doppler and I got to hear the sweetest sound in the world for only the second time, my baby's perfect heartbeat.

As we looked closely at her long limbs, toes and fingers, Nurse Understanding and I could see her wiggling her little fingers around and it turns out that my little angel agrees with me that she is the best. This is by far my favorite and the cutest ultrasound picture we have of her yet!

I am so glad I went in. Although I felt a teeny bit over-dramatic it so much better to be safe than sorry, and it's nice to say goodbye to the anxiety of worrying. Plus I was able to spend some quality seeing Snow Pea in action and share the video with Chad. She really is number one!

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: What I'm Thankful For

2010-12-01T11:23:00.000-08:00

I know it's a little late but just because Thanksgiving has passed doesn't mean I don't still have plenty to be thankful for. Such as:

A wonderful, loving husband

An amazing family

Incredible In-Laws (yes, I know how VERY lucky I got on this one!)

Fantastic friends from coast...

....to coast.

Constant, unconditional support from all of you

And of course what I am most grateful for, and the picture I have been most asked for these past few weeks...

A cute belly bump, where my sweet baby girl is currently growing and thriving

I am so grateful for everything in my life right now. Even though my infertility will always be part of me and I still face it daily and will have to receive treatment again when we decide to have another child, I know there is a special appreciation of these things I might not have had without my experiences and struggles. I truly feel incredibly fortunate for all of the love in my life. I may never be a millionaire, or set foot on every continent, or be famous and well-known, or be able to say I've lived a pain free life, but I have the things that matter most- and that includes you, so Thank You.

Halfway to Reality

2010-11-16T18:41:00.000-08:00

This week I am 20 weeks pregnant, halfway there! I can't believe it! The first half of this pregnancy has been nothing short of wonderful. Sure I had some nausea, some trouble sleeping, and I've missed many a funny movie quote thanks to my 300th trip to the bathroom, but none of that compares to living this miracle.

Not long ago, I had begun to question if motherhood would ever happen for me. I spent so long on the exhausting journey to get here that I couldn't imagine any other way of life. I felt like a hamster stuck in a wheel that was doomed to go around and around but never reach my destination. To actually see the progress of each day and to reach this amazing milestone feels like a true miracle. And this week has provided many amazing milestones for me, Chad and Snow Pea.

About 4 weeks ago I began feeling the first flutters of Snow Pea moving around in my tummy. At first I thought I might be imagining things or making them up because I was so anxious to feel something, but when another friend described what her flutters felt like, I knew it was exactly what I felt too. I was amazed and excited. I spent many free moments sitting as still as possible to see if I could feel it again. For the past week or so though, sitting still has stopped being necessary. I no longer feel little flutters but all out baby flips! She is so so crazy active, I jump in surprise regularly when I feel her thump me from inside.

Feeling such distinct movement is all at once amazing and bizarre. I feel so much more connected to her when she makes herself known like that, she feels so much more real and alive. But it also is a little freaky when she whacks me out of nowhere and I am sometimes reminded of a certain famous scene from "Alien". Honestly though, I love it and have been anxious for the day when Chad could feel her move too. I researched the time line of when that usually happens and was sad to read it's typically another month before the baby can be felt from the outside. This past Sunday though she was moving so fiercely, I thought there was no way he wouldn't be able to feel it. So I lay in bed and pressed his hand to my tummy, and shortly after she thumped, hard. I turned to Chad and his eyes were huge and beyond excited. He felt her too! It was incredible. Feeling her move was wonderful enough but it feels even better to be able to share it with him.

The next day we were excited to be able to see our precious Snow Pea again at the 20 week anatomy scan. Some of you may already know there was some drama surrounding this particular ultrasound and whether my insurance would cover it. My OB's office warned me that they have never received a payout on this claim because my company deems it unnecessary unless it is a high risk pregnancy. Chad and I spent days researching the policy, the claim history at the hospital, and the uses of this particular scan. We still are not 100% sure if our claim will be paid, but after talking it over we agreed that we had come much too far and fought much too hard to take any chances now. This is the ultrasound that can potentially find any heart defects or other abnormalities and if there is a problem, knowing about in advance can potentially save our baby's life. Once we realized that, there was no question about what we would do. (Of course I reserve the right to blog an angry rant if our insurance does deny our claim)

The scan itself went well. Snow Pea stayed true to her behavior the previous day and moved around like crazy. She literally did somersaults and flipped position many times, starting out head down and then quickly moving into the exact opposite position and then moving into a completely different spot after that. The poor tech had a lot of trouble getting some of the pictures she needed, particularly of the heart. The good news is, Snow Pea finally did stay still long enough to get those important images, and she gave Chad and I some extra time to watch her on screen.

Since the tech doesn't do the interpretation, we won't have any official reports until my OB appointment next week, but from what I gathered Snow Pea is doing well. She is still a she and measuring pretty much right on target. She is about 14 ounces now and the size of a cantaloupe! The coolest part of the scan was seeing her move on screen and feeling it at the exact same time. I teared up a bit at that moment, it was just such an incredible connection. This isn't just some picture on the screen, this is a baby, my baby, my daughter and she is living and growing inside me. Despite my difficulty believing it, this is real, I am no longer living in the hamster wheel. Every day things progress more and more and I am one day closer to reaching my destination, one step closer to being a mom.

It's the Great Blog Catch Up!

2010-11-12T16:02:00.000-08:00

Wow have I been a bad blogger or what? I have never been away for so long and it's definitely not for a lack of things to write about. There is so much to catch up on! But since it's my fault I've been away so long and not yours, I will spare you the long version of the past 3 weeks and instead give you the fun, quick version along with pictures!

As you may remember, October was Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month and having experienced pregnancy loss myself earlier this year as well as having so many close friends who have also miscarried or lost their little ones, it was important to both Chad and I to honor those precious lives. On October 23rd, we participated in the OC Walk to Remember, a 5k walk to take the steps our babies never got to take.We walked for Sprout and for every other Angel baby. We really wanted to support other parents who had suffered a loss, especially our neighbors, who you may remember lost their little girl earlier this year. It made for a special morning to walk side by side with them and remember their beautiful daughter.
Later that same day, I put my pregnant body through even more physical demands and danced "Thriller" as part of the annual event, "Thrill the World", in which people all over the world dance at the same exact time in an effort to set new world records. (here is Thrill The World's website if you want more info on the dance and the event.) I danced last year and had a blast, so I decided to make it an annual tradition. The dance is surprisingly fun and easy to learn. This year I struggled a bit more as this was also the week I started showing and as such had some trouble with some of the moves, especially the ones that require bending at the waist. Nevertheless, I had fun with my zombie pals and can't wait to do it again next year, this time with Snow Pea there to watch!
Of course if that's all just one day's worth of fun news, you know there is plenty more! Just a few days later, Chad and I boarded a plane for the East coast to enjoy almost two full weeks catching up with our family and friends in Florida. It was an amazing trip. We were all over the place but it was worth it to spend time with the people we love, especially our families. My sister in law was a true hero and took Chad and me to Babies R Us to help us register. It would have been SO overwhelming without her help! I even got the opportunity to have lunch with two of my favorite twitter/blog girls, Katie at From IF to When and Erin at Our Heart's Desire. Both of these ladies have been such amazing and supportive friends and it was wonderful to sit and chat with them. Erin even made me and Snow Pea a sweet and beautiful gift, a handmade bib and matching burp cloth.

While we were home, we also got to celebrate Halloween with some of our best friends and as always it was so much fun to dress up! Chad was a mad scientist while Snow Pea and I were his monster creation. It was so amazing to incorporate our sweet miracle into Halloween this year and have a little fun with it.
We had so much fun with our visit, but spending quality time with my mom was at the top of my list and I am so glad we got to share some special moments together this week. She even got to spoil her first grandchild with the first big purchase for the nursery, the bedding set. It was also my mom who inadvertently discovered it for me, in a book she gave as a gift when I arrived to her house. Of course after I fell in love with the design, I found out it was discontinued. But not to be dissuaded, I scoured the internet and found a full set for sale on craigslist there in town!
So now that I have shown you the bedding we selected some of you may be trying to guess Snow Pea's sex based on the design and colors, so I will tell you what we told our family while we were home visiting last week:

Precious Baby Snow Pea has ten tiny fingers and ten little toes,
A perfect little mouth and a sweet baby nose,
There's two arms and two legs, a head, a tummy and ears,
But according to the doctor the picture definitely shows...
That sweet baby Snow Pea does NOT have one of those!

That's right, Snow Pea is a GIRL! I wanted to tell you all right away believe me, but we wanted to be sure to be able to really surprise our families with the news in person so that meant waiting to post anything online until after the reveal. We didn't even tell anyone that we were having an ultrasound, just in case Snow Pea didn't cooperate. Dr Casual was really great when we told him we were going out of town and agreed to get us in the day before our trip. He did a quick check of Snow Pea's little heart and tried to get a peek between the legs. He said our little one was quite the wiggler and I thought he hadn't been able to see what he needed to, but he smiled and assured me that he saw just everything clearly and that this was news we could shop on!

I am already so in love with this little girl. I know I sound like a broken record but I still feel so incredibly blessed to be at this point, sharing this news. There were so many times when I truly believed I may never experience any of these things and I often still can't believe it's real. We have definitely had a wonderful past few weeks and I am grateful for every second.

Wordless Wednesday: Boobie Beanie

2010-10-20T23:11:00.000-07:00

Too funny!

PS if you want one, they're on Etsy. Click HERE

Facebook: The Final Frontier

2010-10-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

I have a confession, maybe it won't be a big revelation for you but for me it's a big thing to admit. I still don't really believe this pregnancy is real. I have seen the ultrasounds, felt the nausea, read the books, peed a million times but I just have a hard time accepting it. And an even harder time telling people about it.

I feel like I am caught in between worlds right now. I spent years trying to get pregnant. I finally succeeded and then lost my first pregnancy. For that reason Chad and I agreed to keep this pregnancy much closer to the vest. Very few people even knew when our FET took place and even fewer knew about our BETA when it happened. I even waited until we had a rise before sharing on twitter or my blog (something that was not easy for me). And now even though I am firmly in my second trimester I still get butterflies every time we tell someone about the pregnancy. I just don't feel completely comfortable in the "pregnant world" and I don't feel as accepted in my comfort zone of the TTC/IF world anymore since I am in fact pregnant.

We have actually been telling more and more people though, and just about everyone among our families and friends now knows that we are expecting. It is always kind of odd to find the right way to bring it up but it always feels great once it's finally out, and the more people that know the more real and exciting everything feels. But I still hold back a lot.

I have yet to post on Facebook. I keep planning to and telling myself, "today, I'll say something" but I never do. Not that Facebook posts are super necessary or anything but there are a few people that I keep in touch with primarily through sites like that, especially since I live 3000 miles from "home". If we still lived in Florida there are old co-workers and other social groups that I undoubtedly would've seen and shared the news with by now, but since we live so far away, the internet has become the primary way for me to keep in touch with them. And I kind feel like a liar as I exchange messages with them about my life without ever sharing the biggest news of my life.

It is very similar to finally posting about our struggle with infertility. I was so nervous about coming out of the closet. Not only because of the reactions and responses I could receive but because once you tell the world something, you can't un-tell them. Once it's out there, it's out there. I've also been afraid of history repeating and watching things go terribly wrong once I decide to share. Not to mention the fear of alienating myself from the IF community or unknowingly hurting someone else that is struggling. A few of my amazing and supportive twitter friends have encouraged me to post and I came so close after their words of encouragement but for some reason, still didn't go through with it....Until today.

As I wrote this post I sorted through a lot of emotional stuff. I love having this blog as a record of my IVF journey, as well as an amazing source of support from the IF community, but more than anything it is for me and has served as an outlet to work out things that I can't always talk about. Just like the journals I kept as a teenager, it has been a way for me to have conversations with myself. And in talking to myself about this I have realized that there is no reason to hold back anymore. So I did it. I bit the bullet and I posted.

Of course, as an infertile I wanted my post to be as sensitive as possible because I have been on the other side as have so many other people that I care about. I also wanted it to be short and sweet and to the point. So both Chad and I posted the same message, "After 3 years of struggle, and loss, and with the help of amazing advances in science, our dreams are finally coming true". I posted this as a "note" so that people could see our most recent ultrasound pic if they chose or avoid it if they prefer. I have now officially told everyone there is to tell. This is really happening. Snow Pea is really here, growing inside me.

Honestly, I know it sounds crazy but finally coming clean online like that is almost a milestone in itself on this journey toward parenthood. I know for many that might not be the case, but after years of struggle and ongoing venting with others about the heartache of facebook announcements, this almost feels like the final frontier in sharing the news. And I have to say I am glad that I did it. Not for anyone else but for me. It feels good to be proud and happy about Snow Pea and to share that joy out loud.

Remembering Sprout

2010-10-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tonight, Chad and I will be lighting a candle at 7pm to remember all of those who have suffered a loss, as well as to honor the pregnancies and infants that have been lost. Sadly, I have so many friends who know this pain all too well and I think it is not only important to light a candle for them tonight but to spread the word and raise awareness about loss. Far too many go through it alone, unaware that they have friends and family members that can empathize because these losses unfortunately, happen far more often than many people realize.

For Chad and I, today's remembrance ceremonies are incredibly bittersweet. As most of you know, I became pregnant after my first IVF transfer in March and, after a roller coaster of not quite doubling betas, learned that the pregnancy was not viable. I still miss Sprout all the time and while I love Snow Pea more than I could ever express and feel incredibly grateful that this pregnancy has been healthy and problem-free so far, I still can't help but sometimes wonder what might have been.

Being pregnant after a loss brings so much hope but it can also be ridden with hidden emotional land mines. Each time I reach a milestone in this pregnancy, I am simultaneously relieved and a little sad knowing that my first pregnancy never made it to that point. The first appointments after graduation from my RE were the hardest. Dr. Jedi was a model of empathy and support, He and his staff were there with me through the entire ordeal and often asked how I was feeling and recovering, physically as well as emotionally. They also of course knew everything there was to know so I never had to answer any hard questions. At my first OB appointment though, I was completely unprepared to be asked how many previous pregnancies I have had. Having to answer that this was my 2nd and then providing the history of my pregnancy with Sprout was difficult. Especially since I had to write it on my intake paperwork as well as say it out loud. It knocked the air out of me a bit and I spent the rest of the day in bed.

I still relive that moment often and fight a tear each time I tell someone that this is my 2nd pregnancy. But I always tell them that because I want to honor Sprout and also continue to raise awareness for all those who have experienced loss. After the miscarriage I used to cry for hours asking Sprout, why? Why did you leave me Sprout? Although I know it's not rational, I still sometimes wonder what I did to make Sprout leave. Struggling with infertility is hard on so many levels, one of them being the anger and despair felt at your own body for unable to do something you always believed it was made to do, something that is supposed to happen naturally without thought or effort. Then to finally achieve pregnancy and have it end, the feeling of failure and of betrayal by nature can become downright overwhelming. I can't imagine how I would've survived those first weeks without the love and support of others who knew my pain. I know for many it is difficult to share their experiences with loss and miscarriage, but knowing you are not alone helps so much. So although it isn't always easy, I still share.

During our journey with Sprout we discovered that each time something happened, we would hear John Lennon's "Imagine". Chad and I declared it to be Sprout's song, and we would often hold on to those lyrics as a source of hope. After we lost Sprout, I found peace in the thought that Sprout somehow left my body in a state even more ready to grow life. As if, like a truly protective and loving older sibling, Sprout left some special unseen energy to ensure that the next one would grow healthy and strong. Which is why Chad wasn't surprised when on our way to Snow Pea's first ultrasound we heard "Imagine" on the radio. He said it was a sign from Sprout that our Snow Pea was strong and being cared for. I can't think about that moment again without shedding a tear, just as I did then.

I wear my Sprout charm often close to my heart, including to every appointment, and I think of the happy memories each time I do, especially today. I remember the utter joy and hope I felt those first few days of my pregnancy. And I will never forget. Although today is full of tears for many, it is also full of hope, remembrance and love. So when I light that candle tonight I will be thinking of Sprout as well as every other loss, and while I am bound to shed a few tears, I will also be thinking of the joy these precious ones have brought to us. Whether for a moment or a lifetime they have each made us capable of more love with their presence than we thought possible, and they will live in our hearts forever.

In honor of Sprout I also want to post again the beautiful remembrance video my amazing husband made:

Which Way Do We Go?

2010-10-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

For as long as people have had opinions they have argued over whose were better and insisted that one choice is "right" while the other is "wrong". You hear it all the time on every topic imaginable. I used to believe that religion and politics were the two biggest hot-button issues for people to debate. And it's true that these certainly are hot-button issues and probably always will be to a large extent, but now that I am becoming more familiar with the choices and opinions surrounding parenthood, I am realizing this is where people can become very staunch and even aggressive when it comes to what they think the "right" decisions are.

Throughout my struggle with infertility and IVF, I was lucky to find that my friends and family supported me and my choices each step of the way and I was lucky enough to discover an even wider support network thanks to twitter and my blog. In the past three years I faced a variety of choices but I found it relatively easy to research the options available, discuss them with Chad and make a decision that felt right to us. Now that motherhood is drawing closer I am faced with new decisions and not only are these more difficult, I feel as if there is more weight on each one.

Every choice is full of so much pressure, not only thinking about how each one will affect and shape my child and the type of life they will have, but also it seems like I would be picking "sides" in the great parenting war. In the first year alone there are so many choices to make, each of them more divisive than the other- breastfeeding vs formula feeding, crib vs co-sleeping, schedule vs. on on-demand, cloth vs disposable diapers, working vs staying home, natural vs medicated childbirth, and for boys circumcision vs not. Truly, I can see the merits of each choice and believe that most parents make each choice out of love for their children and what suits their family best. For some reason though, many people also take their choices many steps further and feel that everyone MUST do it their way and anyone who doesn't is a bad parent.

I myself have yet to decide on many of these issues. I know in my heart that whichever choices I make, my child will feel my love and will be well-taken care of but I am slightly nervous about facing the wrath of other parents whose choice I don't make. I have seen first hand the fervor with which people will fight their position on breastfeeding or circumcision and honestly it breaks my heart. Most parents are just trying to do the best they can with their own unique circumstances and to judge others and bully them for their choices is just cruel. And even without the outright cruelty, you can still just sense other people's disagreement and see the judgment in their eyes when you mention your plans to pursue a natural childbirth or breastfeed exclusively for a full year.

And sometimes agreeing on one thing just isn't enough for people, you have to subscribe to the entire parenting philosophy. If you feed on demand you must also co-sleep, baby carry, cloth diaper and of course have brought your child into the world with no epidural or medical intervention. Likewise, if you schedule your feeding times, you'd better not pick up your child when he cries and of course you'd never consider a messy home birth or leaving your son's foreskin intact. These attitudes make what are already big decisions, that much weightier.

After the very public and hurtful bullying of a fellow blogger on her choice to circumcise her son I am more concerned than ever about making that particular choice. I have long taken the easy way out and told Chad that if we ever have a son the final decision will rest with him since much of the discussion and teaching on potty training and other matters will start with him. It is amazing how impassioned people have become about this particular issue. I even have a friend who does not have kids or any plans to have them in the foreseeable future who has said that I'd better not plan to circumcise any son we have because it is medically unnecessary and unnatural. When did someone else's opinion become a mandate on how I choose to be a parent?

Honestly, even though I don't know the exact course the remainder of my pregnancy or the first year of Snow Pea's life will take, I am confident that whichever choices I make they will be right for me, my husband and our child. I also have a strong suspicion that despite pressures to choose one parenting camp outright, we will probably pick and choose between them to find the best overall approach and there is a good chance those choices will shift as we go along and begin dealing with the realities of parenthood. Nothing in life is one size fits all and parenting is absolutely no exception.

The important thing is for us all to remember that we're all unique and we should support each other despite our differences. I am so grateful to know that I already have so much of that support no matter what choices we make. I hope to continue to support those that support me in any way I can, whether they are deciding between IVF and adoption or between cloth diapers and disposable, I know that when it comes down to it our goals and motives are the same- we all want to be parents and to raise our kids with love. We may choose to take different roads but we're all trying to reach the same destination.

Checkin Up

2010-10-06T15:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had my monthly OB appointment and it was a mixed bag of sorts. Of course, as always the first order of business was the weigh in. I wasn't overly concerned because I have been eating pretty well and I take 45 minute walks twice a day along with doing some very light weight exercises a couple times a week. I even double checked on my home scale and saw that while I had gained, the extra pounds were right on target for where I should be at 14 weeks. Which is why I was caught of guard and a little bit anxious when the scale at my OB's office disagreed with my own and said I was quite a bit heavier than I thought, which also meant that I had gained far more than is considered healthy in a one month period.

Dr. Casual was, as always, very casual about the whole thing. He asked about my exercise and diet habits without making me feel guilty and reassured me that a million factors affect those numbers on the scale and to trust my own measurements more. He said they are much more concerned with overall patterns and significant jumps than individual numbers. He did schedule a size check for three weeks from now though, I think to be sure me and the baby aren't growing too fast.

Honestly, after checking again today, I am becoming more convinced that a combination of water retention and bloating contributed to the skewed number yesterday and I am trusting that I won't see another scary jump like that again. Please, don't think I am being vain or planning to try to lose weight while pregnant or anything crazy like that. I know weight gain is healthy and necessary right now. I am just concerned with staying healthy for Snow Pea and doing my best to avoid any complications.

I also had to have a pap smear since I hadn't had one in well over a year. Luckily, months of wandy dates prepared me and it wasn't nearly as bad as I remembered it being. I think Dr Casual also did a great job of keeping me distracted and getting it over with quickly. He is really good at diffusing any anxious or nervous moments, which is a skill I am glad he will be bringing into the delivery room.

The greatest part of the appointment though was that we got a quick peek at Snow Pea and everything looks great! Unfortunately, we didn't get any pictures but it was still fun too watch. I never get sick of seeing the sweet image of my growing baby on the monitor. Snow Pea's little heart was beating away steadily and we got to see a full arm wave. There is a lot of movement going on in there! I can't wait until I can feel it for myself. Dr Casual tried to get a look between the legs but Snow Pea wasn't interested in sharing. He was hopeful though that we will be able get a conclusive answer about what's going down there at the next appointment. He asked if we got a guess about the sex at the NT scan and commented that those techs are almost always right in his experience. Hopefully in a few more weeks, we'll know for sure!

Tag! I'm It

2010-09-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

The wonderful Amy over at Miracle in the Making recently tagged me in her blog! Amy is a PCOS survivor and a very supportive friend. She is also an incredibly talented stylist and recently saved me from the most terrible haircut of my life. (you didn't see this haircut but it was BAD, but thanks to Amy I can go out in public again) Anyway, now that I am tagged I have to answer Amy's questions for me and then come up with my own and tag other bloggers to answer them. So here goes!

1) How has infertility changed you? Wow this is a huge question for me with answers that I could blog about for days, but I will try to stick to the short version. Infertility has changed me in very profound ways. Many of my beliefs about life, the universe and the meaning of these things have been changed permanently. My spirituality has certainly shifted, especially after my miscarriage. There is a part of who I was before my struggle with infertility that I will never get back. I am not the same person I was. But that is not to say that all of the changes I have experienced have been negative. I may not be as naive or idealistic as I once was, but I have become stronger than I ever thought possible. And I am definitely more educated and aware about my body and the realities of trying to start a family. As painful as this journey has been, I know that I have grown and learned a lot because of it and I plan to continue to be a voice for infertility awareness and advocacy.

2) What is your biggest craving right now? CEREAL! I just can't get enough of the stuff these past few months! I swear Snow Pea's new nickname should be Cheerio. It's practically all I eat. Right now there are 6 different boxes in my pantry, all bought a week ago and all almost gone. It started in the early weeks when I was too nauseous to eat much else, but now it's still my favorite go-to food. I have had cereal for dinner on more than one occasion and there was even a day when that was literally the only thing I had for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Oh, also I have to have to fruit whenever possible lately. Getting at least 3 of my food groups right?

3) Who do you look up to and why? This is another question that I could go on and on about. I have a lot of heroes. My mom has always been on top of that list. she is just amazing in every way. I also look up to both my sisters-in-law because they are both such amazing mothers and I hope to continue to pick their brains and learn from them as I begin raising Snow Pea. The person I look up to most though is my husband, Chad. No matter what life has thrown his way, he never gets discouraged or gives up. Throughout every difficult or heartbreaking moment we have experienced on our TTC journey he never stopped believing that good things would happen, that we would be parents. When all I want to do is scream and cry about how unfair it all is, he still has always been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's not just dealing with IF that he does this with. In any adverse situation he has been in, he always believes everything will be ok and then he does what it takes to make that true. For someone like me, who is prone to worry, I admire him and rely his strength more than he knows.

4) How did you and your DH meet? He used to be my boss! It's not as sordid as it sounds though. I started working at a soup & sandwich type cafe while I was in college on the exact same day he got transferred to the location where I was hired. I worked for him for about 4 months before I realized food service was not for me. I told him I planned to quit right after he learned he was being promoted. Once he was positive we wouldn't be working together anymore he invited me to hang out. I thought we were friends for two weeks until he finally worked up the nerve to let me know he liked me! Yes, I am clueless and yes he was so adorably nervous.

5) What was your most embarrassing moment? I never know what to answer for this question. Not to say that I have never done anything embarrassing but I never feel like I have a moment worthy to be the answer to this question. I do have foot-in-the-mouth disorder though and regularly say things that come out all wrong and leave me feeling incredibly embarrassed and apologetic. Like when I was younger and my uncle told me I had grown so much and I said he did too, and he happened to have gained a bit of a belly since I'd last seen him. I truly didn't mean it like that and spent flustered minutes trying to fix what I said. I still do stuff like that. All the time.

Ok so now that I have rambled on and answered these questions, it's my turn to tag some of my fellow bloggers and I am going to totally cheat and tag everyone that reads this post, so if you're reading this your tagged and need to answer my questions!

And they are:

1) What do you look forward to or enjoy most about being a parent?
2) What's something about you that would surprise most people?
3) If you could be any animal what would you be and why?
4) What's the nicest thing someone has done for you?
5) What are you most looking forward to over the next month?

Tag! You're It!